(Recently the Grandline Times interviewed the staff at the wildly successful drinking establishment, SaDIstiC TaNUki.)

Interviewer: Please state your name, age, and rank.
The Proprietor: The Proprietor, older than you, and bartenderess extraordinaire.

I: What is your quest and what is your favorite color?
P: To serve the best drinks on the Grandline and red.

I: Why did you open a bar on the Grandline in the first place?
P: For the adventure, the excitement, the chance to meet new and interesting people and for the boat loads of cash I rake in every week.

I: You've been described as evil.  What do you say to that?
P: I'm not evil.  People get me confused with my cousin, the Author.  It's quite easy to tell us apart though.  She favors leather bustiers and has blue skin.  Plus there is her impressive wing span...

I: Is it true that you have a rabid Redline Gorilla in a state of near-starvation in the back room and will unleash it on anyone who dares break the bar stools?
P: Yes.  His name is Pepe and he likes flowers and the taste of human flesh.

I: You also threaten your customers with calling their mothers if they get out of line.  How many mothers of pirates do you know?
P: All of them.  I even know yours and you aren't a pirate.

I: No you don't.
P: Her name is Charlene and she lives at 884 Crestview Lane in -

I: Okay.  You DO know my mother.  Moving on to the next question. If you could eat any Devil Fruit, what would it be?
P: The Zaku Zaku Fruit - once you eat it you can pull coins out of thin air, behind people's ears, etc.  But I would never eat a Devil Fruit because I like to swim.

I: Have any quirks or flaws?
P: Too many to be named.

I: Do you have a favorite pirate or pirate crew?
P: My favorite pirate is the one who's spending all of his or her money in my bar.

I: While most people like SaDIstiC TaNUki, there have been grumblings about your décor.
P: My décor?  What's wrong with my décor?  Screw those grumblers!  It's the content that counts, not the damn design of the place.  And like I said, Skippy Mitchell is color-blind. Aren't ya?  (pokes her brother in the ribs)

I: That segues nicely into the next portion of the interview.  Hello.  Please state your name, age, and rank.
Skippy Mitchell: Skippy Mitchell, legal, and bartender.

I: What is your quest and what is your favorite color?
SM: To get as drunk as possible while wor…I mean to sell lots of drinks to lots of people.  My favorite color is bright red…especially when it's coming from someone's new toothless mouth.

I: Why do you work for your sister?
SM: It sure beats working for your mom. (Under his breath) Might have to kick this one's ass.

I: What's the favorite quirk or flaw that you have?
SM (staring pointedly at Interviewer): My hacklust toward those that ask stupid questions.

I: The women want to know - do you have a boyfriend? I meant, a girlfriend!  I did!  Please stop choking me!  GACKT! (there is a pause of a few moments while the Proprietor and Skippy wait for the Interviewer to regain his ability to speak without wheezing) Moving on to current events. What is your opinion on the state of civil unrest in Vespa?
SM: Where or what the hell is Vespa…do you mean that chick in Space Balls?

I: Is it true you're color-blind?
SM (evasively): Sometimes.

I: Is it also true that your sister has no taste in décor?
SM: I don't know what you're implying, but I might just deck you, you sorry toe-biting piece of bunion brained gutter trash, if you talk about my sister again.

I: What do you think about lemons, limes, and other citrus products?
SM (makes himself comfortable): Lemons are just a part of life.  I'm one of those "go with the flow types".  I bought a used ship one time and boy oh boy it was a lemon.  Well, I chose to make lemonade out of my misfortune.  I set explosives all throughout the thing and guided right into the shipyard that I bought it from.  That was the best money I ever spent.

(The Proprietor tries to get Skippy's attention, but to no avail.  Skippy suddenly turns bright red.)

Wait just a gawd damn minute…did I hear you say 'limes,' you pansy milk-drinking gasbladder?  That's one group of sorry, good for nothing, sail stitchers that never gets through the door on my watch.

(Skippy's inappropriate rage directed at those of English origin subsides and he continues, still ignoring his sister.)

Citrus products…I'm rather fond of those.  They mix well and sometimes make it easier to down an extra shot or twenty of Liverbusters. (to sister) WHAT?  What do you want, woman?

(The Proprietor leans over and whispers into her brother/employee's ear.  She gestures, rather vaguely, while her brother slowly and surely turns a brilliant shade of purple.)

What the hell!  You're joking! (Skippy turns in his chair and glares at the interviewer.) I don't know what rag you write for, but you don't talk like that in front of my sister!

(Skippy decks the interviewer. So concludes the interview.)

(At the bottom of the interviewer's notepad scrawled in bad print is this):

SkipPy sez; CoMe to thee bar.  We have drincks and darts.  Spennd yore moniey here.