X - 2001

(Party's bar.  A random assortment of One Piece characters are trapped in a twisted garden of the author's depraved makings.  Currently Luffy and Shanks are reliving the past while ignoring their crews.)

Nami (reading the script):  Crew?  Or respective crews? 

Makino (sourly): Shut up, right now.

Sanji:  When Luffy gets hungry, he'll come back to me.  (Gets hearts in his eyes.) In the meantime, I have Nami.

Nami: (with exasperation) No, you don't.  You didn't and you never will.

Sanji:  But Nami-san -

(Zoro realizes that yet another one of his 'x's is in the process of finding a new 'x'.  He breaks away from his diabolic plans for Shanks and focuses on the cook.)

Zoro :  I told you not to worry about her.  I'll take care of you.

Sanji:  Well…

Usopp:  Well nothing.  He's mine now.  The fans have decreed it.

Zoro:  One website is not a decree

Usopp (has suddenly become the valiant warrior of the sea that he usually just pretends to be): You may be able to handle those katanas, but let's compare real 'swords'!

(Usopp and Zoro have a face off.  Vivi recognizes an opportunity when she sees it and sneaks up next to Sanji, while they are distracted.)

Vivi:  Sanji…

Sanji:  What?

Vivi:  I'm really hungry. (a rumbling stomach completes her plaintive plea for sustenance.  Sanji succumbs to his weakness for helping hungry people and Vivi leads him to the kitchen.  Ben and Makino are still watching Luffy and Shanks bond.)

Ben (looks at Makino, grabs her arm and drags her away from the disturbing tableaux.  He mutters under his breath.)  Two can play this game, captain.

Makino:  Er, Ben, where are we going?

Ben:  Back to the ship. (grins lasciviously) It's where I keep my gun.

Makino:  Sugoi!

(Zoro has now noticed something.)

Zoro:  Wait a sec.  Where's Sanji?

(Nami is helping herself to tequila behind the bar.)

Nami:  He's with Vivi.

Zoro:  What is that siren doing to him?

Usopp:  She distracted us on purpose and lured our hunky cook away!

(Nami snorts at the impossibility of skinny Sanji ever being described as 'hunky.')

Zoro:  Now what am I going to do?  All my 'x's are being torn away from me!  (begins to sniffle)  Doesn't anyone love me and me alone?

(A thousand fan girls scream, 'Yes!' - but in the Smut Garden, no one can hear them!  Oh, the horror, the horror!)

Usopp: Zoro, don't cry.

Zoro:  I'm not! (he bursts into tears and runs off.  Usopp runs after him.)

(Just then Sanji and Vivi return.)

Trailer: What have Vivi and Sanji been doing?  What haven't they been doing?  Why is Zoro such a wuss?  Has the author taken the OOC too far? Do we want to know?  Do we care?

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Terms Explained:
X - 2001: No reference to any manga/anime by Clamp intended  Uh uh.  No way.