A New Hope (for this Spam Fic!)

(Party's Bar.  The morning of the second day.  A cock crows in the village and the sun comes through the windows.  The scene is tranquil in the OnePiece universe.  This is because everyone is asleep.  Nami, Usopp, and Camera Girl are on the futons.  Scene change: Luffy is sprawled on Makino's bed.  Scene change: Ben and Shanks fell asleep sitting at the bar, with their heads in the arms.  Shanks is drooling.  Ben is whimpering quietly.)

(Slowly, insidiously, the light creeps across the floor, intent on waking the pirates.  It pauses, and then leaps a few feet and lands right on Nami's face.  She moans and pulls the cover over her head.)

Nami:  Don't wanna get up yet. 

(The rooster crows again, this time more insistently.  She rolls over and looks up.  Usopp is three inches from her nose and grinning like a madman.)

Usopp:  So was it good for you?

Nami:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Ben wakes up and sees Zoro appear at the head of the stairs.  His black head cloth is on, his three swords are at his side, but he is wearing a black bathrobe and green fuzzy slippers.)

Zoro:  What the hell was that?

Makino (who is still standing up and is cleaning glasses.  Addresses audience): What?  I told you, Mr. Party doesn't let me sleep while there are customers in the bar. (looks up at Zoro) Where have you been?

Zoro:  If you must know, I fell asleep in the bathtub.  (begins to stalk forward, but trips over a sleeping Sanji.  The smoking cigarette that Sanji had in his mouth falls from his lips and promptly sets his suit on fire.)

Sanji:  Oh my gawd, I'm on fire!

(Shanks immediately wakes from his pool of drool.)

Shanks:  Fire?  Where's Makino?

Makino:  I'm right here, Red.

Shanks: Don't call me that.

(Zoro picks Sanji up by the seat of his pants, pulls the bathroom door off of its last working hinge and throws him in the bathtub of tepid water.  Sanji sits there, drip-er, saturated.  His jacket smokes.)

Sanji (dryly, but actually wetly too): Thank you so much.

Zoro (comes down stairs, followed by a we.. a drippi- um, a saturated Sanji):  Now, as I was saying, before the cook interrupted me by doing a Pearl, what the hell was that?

Usopp:  Just the scream of delight from Nami-san when she woke to find me beside her.

(Sanji leaps from the top of the stairs and begins pummeling Usopp.  They roll over O.Z Girl and she wakes up.) 

O.Z. Girl: Get off me! (O.Z. Girl sees Zoro and gives a low wolf whistle.)  Or switch around what I just said.

Zoro:  WHO BROUGHT THE PSYCHO BACK?

Sanji (drops an unconscious Usopp onto the ground): But Zoro, I have 'on' with her.  It is a horrible debt that I must fulfill.  I must repay it at all costs.

Zoro:  Did she eat her leg for you?

Sanji:  No…

Zoro:  THEN THERE IS NO 'ON'!

O.Z. Girl: I'm on.  Ready and willing!  (She springs after the swordsman, who races back upstairs.  Usopp, who has amazing healing abilities due to his blood ties with Wolverine - )

Usopp (sitting up):  I do?

Ben:  You didn't know?  You're a mutant.

Usopp:  That's cool!  What's my power? 

Ben:  Since your second cousin is Wolverine, you have a healing factor and you can make a giant razor sharp knife come out of your nose.

Usopp:  Wicked! (Usopp stares at his nose, making himself cross-eyed, as he attempts to get a knife to pop out of his nose.)

Ben: (thinking)  Ha!  I can't believe that stupid kid fell for that.

(Continuing with the plot…)

Ben (laughs): Plot?

(Usopp, who has amazing healing abilities due to his blood ties with Wolverine, sits up - )

Shanks:  He already is.

(- and notices that Vivi is still in the corner, hog-tied.)

Usopp:  It's just like Christmas! (he takes off Vivi's gag)  Did you sleep well?

Vivi:  NO I DIDN'T SLEEP WELL.  I WAS HOG-TIED ALL NIGHT!

Sanji (blinks): What's your point?

(The Former O.Z. Girl, wearing a wig that makes her look suspiciously like Kuina, stomps downstairs, with Zoro behind her, trying to explain.)

F.O.Z. Girl: You were right, cook.  That sooooooooo wasn't worth the effort of a life goal. 

Sanji (smugly): The Kuina thing always works.

Ben:  Always?

Sanji:  Every single time, so long as you don't challenge him to a swordfight.

Zoro (protesting): I told you! I fell asleep in the bathtub!

F.O.Z. Girl: I should have known.  'Three swords' scream compensation.

Zoro:  I am NOT compensating.

Trailer: Did this episode have more action in it?  Is that really a good thing?  Will Usopp ever get a blade to come out of his nose?  Would it be a good thing if he did?  Will more stuff be set on fire?  In all ways that is a good thing, isn't it?
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Terms Explained
The title was taken from an independent underground feature…Star Wars.
'Doing a Pearl' - setting yourself on fire
'On' - obligation towards someone