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Prince Harry the Damned
(Amsterdam. A Mysterious Person has entered the scene.)
Vivi (unconcerned): Akio, why are you bugging us?
Akio (sitting down): Can't a guy come and get high with his friends?
Vivi: After that fiasco at the Prince of Monaco's palace, I would hardly label you as one of my 'friends.'
Akio (laughs weakly): Oh, you remember that.
Sanji (rage rising): Who is this, Vivi?
Vivi: He's the ultimate evil, the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, Abraxas, the Devil -
Akio: Please. I'm blushing. (reaches across Vivi to shake Sanji's hand) Call me Akio.
Sanji (rage still rising): How does Vivi know you?
Vivi (cuts in): Through the whole 'royalty has to hang out together', euro-trash thing.
Akio: I'm not euro trash.
Vivi (hikes a thumb in Akio's bishonen direction): This one thinks that just because he feeds a girl a line about 'seeing the Ends of the World' and then takes her for a spin in his car, that she's just going to let him yank a sword out of her chest or something.
Sanji (after a long puff on his new 'cigarette,' rage recedes): Sounds dodgy.
Vivi: Dodgy indeed. He was lucky. I talked Prince Harry out of kicking his ass.
Akio (darkly): That Harry, he's a feisty ginger Limey.
Vivi (grins): Who also likes a bit of the green, eh?
Akio (returns the grin): Yeah he does.
Nami (sighs happily and snuggles up next to Shanks): Touga.
Shanks: Get off of me.
Vivi: So what brings you into town, Prince of Darkness?
Akio (reaches across the table for a doobie): The Amsterdam campus. Oh, and business interests. You know how it goes.
Vivi: I thought Ohtori took up all your time.
Akio (lights up his blunt): You think the duels just happen? There's a lot of financing going on. I have to keep the projector running at all times so that it looks like the Castle of Illusions is hanging up there. Do you know what that costs in electricity? And extension cords! (takes a toke, then exhales happily) And generators. It's expensive. I've had to expand outside of private education and into more lucrative fields. (examines his blunt appreciatively) Damn. This shit is good.
Sanji (mellowing even more): Isn't it? (pushes bowl forward) Have some Doritos. I made them myself.
Akio: Don't mind if I do. I needed this, after that meeting. One of my employees got it into their head that they were going to become independent. I informed them that the business wasn't for sale, but they were very 'difficult.'
Vivi: I hate that. Don't you sometimes wish people would acknowledge your obvious mental superiority and let you run the world the way you wished it to be?
Akio: Heck yeah.
Vivi (scornfully): I was talking about me.
(Ben stands up and takes the Dutch pizza delivery guy's hands.)
Ben: Come with me, my handsome Dutch god.
Luffy: Whew. Now I can eat in peace.
(Ben picks up Luffy by the scruff of the neck. The Gomu boy struggles valiantly but in vain.)
Luffy: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I don't wanna go!
(Ben drags the Gomu translator and the Dutch pizza guy upstairs. Shanks watches glumly.)
Akio: Is something wrong?
Shanks: (shakes his arm. Nami squeals with delight) You mean other than her? Well, it's been about a billion episodes and my contractual obligations have yet to be fulfilled, but now this Dutch bimbo walks into this spam-fic and my First Mate gets some. (pouts) It's not fair.
Akio (sympathetically and smoothly): No, it isn't.
Shanks: I mean, I'm the cute one, right?
Akio (almost purring): Oh, indeed.
Vivi (raising an eyebrow): Akio has a thing for redheads.
Akio (purring): That's right.
Vivi: AND blondes AND people with pink hair AND underage students AND your own sister.
Akio (off-guard): Well yeah but -
Shanks (derisively): I'm a slut, but I'm not dirty.
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Trailer:
Is Shanks really not dirty? Will Ben -
Usopp (pirouettes through the scene): Gwah. Colors.
Will Ben -
(Zoro walks slowly and deliberately forward, holding one of his swords out. He is in the throes of a paranoid episode.)
Zoro (mutters): Sloths. They're after my He-Man collection! Bastard sloths, I'll be cold and dead in my grave before they get my Teela doll!
Will Ben -
Zoro (offscreen): By the power of Greyskull - I have the power!
I give up. Let's go see what the Arsonist Anonymous Group are doing.
(A local church basement. The group is discussing who really should be there, since it is obvious that they are well-adjusted individuals who are in no need of mental help.)
Mars: What about Wufei? He sets all sorts of stuff on fire with that Gundam of his.
Moderator: Wufei's got bigger problems than setting planets on fire, most notably his utter lack of self control when it comes to wielding a sword. He's focusing on that aspect of his recovery at the 'Intense Bushido' Anonymous meetings.
Shayla Shayla (dryly): That must be a very large group.
Moderator: Wufei isn't an arsonist, anyway. His tendency to set fire to some things is an extension of his Gundam's abilities.
Dilandau (with disgust): That's what those nancy boy Gundam pilots always say. "It's an extension of my Gundam!" Blah, blah, blah. Wait until they meet a Guymellaf! Then they'll know what mecha really is! (laughs insanely)
Moderator (ignoring Dilandau): Male arsonists are rare. Arsonism is an X/X dominant trait.
Sailor Mars: What is that supposed to mean?
Moderator: Genetics has determined that most anime arsonists are female.
(The group looks at Dilandau.)
Dilandau: I don't get it.
Shayla Shayla (grins wickedly): Nothing - pretty boy.
Dilandau (confused): No. Really. What's that supposed to mean?
next
smut
home
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Terms Explained
The title was originally made to mock Anne Rice's tendency to put 'the Damned' in her titles. This chapter was written before Prince Harry's indiscretion.
He-Man is cool. So is She-Ra and Fraggle Rock and Goonies and Mr. T.
Sloths are menacing, but not as menacing as emus.
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