How much to leave the shop and never come back? Seventy? Eighty? Alright, a pound!
(Edward Tattsyrup, League of Gentlemen)
----------------
Jerry: I'm just a puppet here.
Brian: A puppeteer? Do you do kids' parties?
(Phoenix Nights)
----------------
Ms Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder!
(Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons)
----------------
'I want you'- that's it, that's the ultimate statement you can make to anybody. What else can you say?
(Bruce Springsteen)
----------------
Stuart: Ooh, look, three condoms. I'm assuming this was a three-pack?
Paul: I'll have you know that was a five-pack!
Stuart: What happened to the other two?
Paul: Balloon animals.
(Spin City)
----------------
I'm not afraid to die. I'm not afraid to live. I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to succeed. I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm just afraid I might have to stop talking about myself for five minutes.
(Kinky Friedman)
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Jerry: Okay, next. Cadillac rides. What's that?
Brian: Rides. In a Cadillac.
(Phoenix Nights)
----------------
Papa Lazarou: Hello Dave!
Woman: I'm sorry?
Papa Lazarou: Is that Dave?
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you've got the wrong house.
Papa Lazarou: Okay, is Dave there?
Woman: No, there's no one called Dave here.
Papa Lazarou: Okay.
(League of Gentlemen)
----------------
Okay, Brian, don't panic. Think. What would Thora Hird do?
(Brian Potter, stuck in his broken-down stairlift, Phoenix Nights)
----------------
In the meantime, a little vision test. Is this a poopie? Or a Toblerone?
(Stewie, after Meg loses her glasses, Family Guy)
----------------
Ooh, it's half past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work. Other men stay in bed until dinnertime watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are! ...Good morning, jobseekers!
(Job Centre Restart Officer Pauline Campbell-Jones, League of Gentlemen)
----------------
Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my worm went into my mouth and I ate my worm. Can I have a new one?
Ms Hoover: There are no more worms, Ralph. Just go to sleep.
Ralph: Yay! Sleep is where I'm a Viking!
(The Simpsons)
----------------
Austin: Basil, this cofee smells like shit!
Basil: It is shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh good, it's not just me then.
(Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me)
----------------
Lois: Oh my God!
Peter: Yes?
(Family Guy)
----------------
David: I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be?
Tubbs: Um... (counting on fingers) Seven and twelvety pence, of course!
(League of Gentlemen)
----------------
War is fun when you know you won't die. (Right, Mr Bush?)
(Michael Moore)
----------------
I picked up the guitar because I wanted to speak to you.
(Bruce Springsteen)
----------------
I am convinced there is nothing you can stick up your nose or inject into your veins that can possibly compare to the joy of beating Manchester United at Old Trafford.
(Colin Shindler)
----------------
Mary: All I know is, I was once her age, and I know I didn't appreciate middle-aged men fawning over me.
Dick: You were once her age?
Mary: Believe it or not, yes.
Dick: Very well. Not it is!
(3rd Rock From The Sun)
----------------
Wesley: Does everyone know about you?
Buffy: She's a friend.
Cordelia: Let's not exaggerate.
(Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
----------------
The world is filled with people who are no longer needed, and who try to make slaves of all of us. And they have their music and we have ours- theirs, the wasted songs of a superstitious nightmare, and without their musical and ideological miscarriages to compare our song of freedom to, we'd not have any opposite to compare music with. And like the drifting wind, hitting against no obstacle, we'd never know its speed, its power.
(Woody Guthrie)
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