You're the reason I'm not sleeping lately
You keep me up all night
I got nowhere to hide
The day before, though, Howie had been watching him, as if debating whether he should ask Alex what was wrong, but had eventually elected to remain a silent observer for the time being. When Howie turned his attention to something else, Alex had relaxed considerably. He still had no idea how to answer the question he knew would inevitably come. How could he ever tell his best friend that he, Howie, was the problem?
From the vision you left behind
Though I try to fight
It's gonna be a long night
In the room next door, Howie wearily marked his place in the book he was attempting to read. He had hoped reading would clear his mind and help him sleep, but he couldn't concentrate. He set the book on the night table with a sigh. Every time he tried to get into the book, his thoughts drifted to Alex. The dark rings under Alex's eyes that betrayed his late night torment worried Howie. Unlike the rest of the guys, Howie didn't believe that Alex's problem had anything to do with his alcoholism. Alex had been doing amazingly well, going to AA meetings whenever he needed extra support. And as far as the break up with Sarah, Alex had seemed pretty unaffected when it happened.
I lie awake thinking of the time
Before you came into my life
Suddenly you took me by surprise
You opened up my eyes
While Howie racked his brain trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong with his best friend, Alex lay in his own bed, letting his mind drift. From the time the group had gotten together, Howie had been his best friend. Despite the almost five year age difference, they had clicked in a way Alex had never experienced before. Over the years Alex had always known that if something was wrong, Howie would do everything in his power to fix the problem. But what could Howie do when he was the problem, although in this case it wasn't exactly a problem per se. Alex just had no idea what to do. What's a guy to do when he realizes he's fallen in love with his male best friend? In spite of himself, Alex felt a tear trickle down his cheek. With that one tear the floodgates opened again, and a rush of tears streamed down his cheeks as he released his pent up anxiety.
The clock upon the wall
Is moving so slow
The more I twist and turn
The more I need you now
Exhausted from trying to figure out what was bothering Alex, Howie lay in bed watching the minutes tick by on the bedside clock. He had heard Alex tossing around in bed in the next room and knew whatever was bothering him was keeping him awake once again
Suddenly Howie sat up in bed, alarmed to hear quiet sobs drifting through to wall from Alex's room. Alex crying?! That simple fact worried Howie more than anything else had. If Alex was crying something was very wrong. In a split second Howie made up his mind. He got out of bed quickly, pulled on a t-shirt and grabbed the two key cards from the dresser. One was for his own room, the other was the extra key for Alex's room, which he always gave to Howie in case he lost or forgot his own.
Howie left his room and walked the few feet to Alex's door. He knocked quietly, then slid the key card in the lock and opened the door. When he reached the bedroom Alex was sitting up in bed, wiping tears away.
"Alex?" Alex fought back more tears when he saw the deep concern radiating from his best friend's warm brown eyes.
And I cannot erase
The picture of your face
I just can't leave it behind
"God, Alex. What's going on with you, man?" Howie asked, worry clouding his face as he quickly crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed.
At the concern in Howie's voice, Alex lost the battle to keep his tears at bay. Wordlessly, Howie drew Alex into his arms. Alex buried his face in Howie's neck, his shoulder shaking as he cried.
"Oh, Alex. Shhh. What's wrong?" Howie murmured, gently stroking Alex's hair and rubbing his back, trying to calm him. Alex's tears slowed and finally stopped, soothed by Howie's touch.
"I'm sorry." He whispered against Howie's neck.
"It's okay." Howie replied softly, still gently running his hand up and down Alex's back. "What's wrong, Alex? I know you haven't been sleeping well lately; I've heard you moving around at night. Why haven't you talked to anyone? Whatever's wrong you don't have to deal with it alone."
"I know." Alex whispered, his voice gravelly from crying. He didn't move from Howie's arms. "But I can't talk to Kev, or Nick, or Bri about this."
"Why didn't you come to me? You know I'll always be around if you need to talk." Howie was no closer to figuring out what the problem was, but he forced himself to be patient, waiting until Alex was ready to open up.
"I couldn't talk to you either because it involves you." Alex said slowly.
Howie pulled away and looked at him, confusion plain on his face. "What?"
Alex pulled out of Howie's arms, and pulled his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. He bit his lower lip, trying not to cry again. This was the moment of truth. There was no way he could get out of this now; not with Howie looking at him like that, with confusion and hurt in his wide brown eyes.
"I... Howie, I... don't really know how to say this. I don't want... to... upset you. You're my best friend... and I don't want that friendship... to be... ruined by what I have to say." Alex started slowly, haltingly, searching for the right words.
"Alex, you don't have to worry about that. You're my best friend no matter what, okay?" Howie said softly.
Alex nodded and swallowed hard. "I... god... I don't... know when this happened... I don't know why..." He paused, hoping that his whole world wasn't about to blow up in his face. "I don't have any way to explain this. All I know is that something changed. That somewhere in all this chaos... I fell in love with you." Alex finished quietly, bracing himself for what might come next.
Howie sat on the bed, stunned, frozen from the moment those words left Alex's mouth. Had Alex really said...? The words swirled around in his head, echoing over and over.
Cautiously Alex looked up from his feet after a few minutes of silence. Howie still sat on his bed, a stunned look on his face, but Alex knew that behind Howie's blank eyes, his mind was turning his words over again and again.
"Howie?" Alex finally spoke again, a note of anxiety in his voice and he watched as Howie shook himself a little, as if to clear his head.
Howie blinked and looked up at his best friend. If not for his many tattoos, Alex would have looked like a little boy again, in his boxers, t-shirt and bedhead, anxiously waiting to know what Howie would say. A silent tear slid down Alex's cheek, causing Howie to break his silence.
"Alex." Howie whispered and held his arms open to him.
Relief that Howie didn't hate him washed through Alex's body and he fell into Howie's open arms, more tears slipping unbidden down his cheeks. Again Howie soothed him with soft words and gentle hands. As Alex's tears began to subside he became aware of the enticing scent of Howie's cologne, left over from the day before. Alex breathed in the comforting scent and tried to relax. The next second he was shocked to feel the soft, warm touch of Howie's lips on his forehead. His eyes snapped open and his breath caught in his throat as Howie's lips moved from his forehead to his cheek and, very softly, along his jaw.
Slowly he lifted his head a little and his eyes met Howie's. So close to the man he loved, staring into his eyes, Alex fought the almost overwhelming urge to press his lips to Howie's. In the end he needn't have worried.
A few moments later Howie moved closer. Alex's eyes drifted shut, not daring to believe that he wasn't just dreaming again. A second later, Howie's lips touched his, lightly, hesitantly, then again, more firmly. All thoughts but those of the man kissing him flew out of Alex's head. Now wasn't the time to think about what this meant; now was the time to feel. Just feel the soft, warm lips moving over his own, the strong arms around him, the strong, solid body pressed tightly against his own.
Breaking away to breathe, Howie stared into Alex's eyes again. "I love you, Alex." He whispered.
Alex thought his heart might burst. "I love you, too, Howie." He said softly, then closed the distance between them, capturing Howie's lips with his own. He sensed Howie had more he wanted to say, but that could wait.
I got nowhere to hide
The magic of this sleepless night
Song Credit: Sleepless by Wave
