Ecstatic
Happiness that overwhelms
And you just feel it is your duty to succumb
So you smile and nod and smile and nod
Until your face feels sore and your neck kills
You know you can't share the facade forever
But, there's no need to worry everyone with nothing
So you close your eyes
And pretend to think happy thoughts
All they can see is your smiles, your laughter
When all you feel is your internal tears
And yet you're ecstatic
Well, that's what they see
That's all you show
You great actress
Keep it up for the rest of your life
And you'll be perfectly fine and happy.
Reflection
Smiles, hugs, kisses, laughter
Ah, the day has just begun
And all ready it feels like heaven
Because you see your friends
And they talk to you and make you happy
You're so included
Because you know they love you
And want you to be happy
Yay! Life is cool
So, you go through your day
Without a care in the world
Without one negative thought invading your mind
And when you get home
You look at yourself in the mirror
And you see your world reflected
It's now backwards
But, it's the truth
The real world is beyond that mirror
You are the actual reflection
All backwards and opposite
But, because you don't have to deal with reality
You ignore it and never explain it to anyone
...
I am a happy teen
I get good grades because I am highly intelligent
I am well loved
I have tons of friends - too many to count
I am perfect as me
I'm so nice, everyone likes me
My problems vanish when I smile or laugh
I'm an optimist
When I talk, people listen and learn
I have reasons to grin
I do my best, and that's all that's required
I am a happy teen
...
There Are Those Times
There are those times
When you feel like crying
But then there are those times
When your laughter interferes
And shows you that it's not a big deal
There are those times
That you feel like you want to smile your face off
So you do
And there are those times
That you have to be strong
For yourself and everyone
So you try, and you may succeed
And those are the times
Where you're obliged to be proud of yourself
Because it's a great accomplishment
And there are those times
That you actually like the way you feel
When you deserve to be proud
There are those times
Rare as they may be
I know those times
And there are those times for everyone
Jump, Frog, Jump
Jump
Jump and land
Go higher...
Jump
Jump and slam
Once more...
Jump
Jump and splat
Mission accomplished
Take that pavement!
Deeper Meaning
Do you get it yet?
Maybe, maybe not.
Ask and maybe I will tell
But my subtlety was supposed to be your only hint
C'mon, read into it
Look closer
Get deeper
Go into my mind
Analyze and find the deeper meaning
Have you found it yet?
I hope so
Way To Go
Way to go
You ruined it all
Just screw yourself over
Good job
Just smush them together
That'll make it better
That'll make you feel good
That'll fix everything
Yeah right, moron
Don't you see what you did
And now you hang your head in shame
Or depression
Both come so naturally
And of course no one understands
You look happy most of the time
Who could tell, right?
You really did it this time, though
What an intelligent person
Mess it all up
Lose everything you had and everything you wanted
We're all so proud of you
For erasing all hope, all happiness
Congratulations
Way to go
Make Me Feel Better
As you say what you say and give your thanks
It makes everything worse
It makes it hurt more
Because I wasn't forceful, just hopeful
Just praying that what I did would help me
I lost
I was wrong
And now when you rub it in my face
I want to scream and pull my hair out
Or yours
Or someone's
And when you smile and laugh
I feel it in my hear and lungs
It suffocates because it should have made me happy
But I lost
I was wrong
And I am now sorry for that
So, stop saying "Thank-you"
Stop being happy because of me
Be happy because of you and what you've done
Not the mistake I so ignorantly made
What did I think it would fix?
It fixed you, I guess
I thought I knew what I was doing
But I lost
And I was wrong
So very wrong
And now it sucks even more
I can't be as enthused as I once was
Damn her
Damn the one who calls herself me
She ruined everything
Blah
I feel like Blah today
Not that Blah is a rare occasion
But I just feel particularly Blah today
Maybe it was what happened
Or maybe it was what didn't
Or maybe it's what is happening in the near future
Perhaps I should think more on this
Yet I just can't seem to concentrate
Do you have any clue what Blah feels like?
It's kind of sickeningly painful
In your heart, soul, mind, everywhere
I guess I brought it on myself
My friends could have predicted everything
I only make things worse
And Blah is the outcome
Damn Blah
I could blame it on someone else
But it's actually all my fault this time
Blah Blah Blah
Blah is consuming my thoughts
It has taken over
And now I leave to make amends with myself
By means that we all know could help
End all the Blah
Down with Blah
Just hang the Blah to dry and throw it off a cliff or rooftop
The Blah will go away
I'll make sure of it
Stupid Bad Word
You stupid bad word!
The fact that you've ruined everything
Only adds to the anger I have for myself
And I can't actually call you a name
Because cursing is not my forte
So, for now, I will attempt to glare,
Attempt to think bad thoughts and be angry
But all the while, you say you're my friend
Which you can be at times
But I guess I'm the one who's not the real friend
Jealousy doesn't become me
Yet I have the urge to feel it
It courses throught my veins
And at this moment, I'm thinking
Maybe I'm the only bad word
You should be shouting profanities at me
For wanting to destroy your happiness for my selfish ways
Well, friend, I'll try my best to be titled as such
And maybe I can learn not to be such a bad word
And we'll continue to be friends
And like eachother
I have a good feeling about this new me
I will not be a bad word and you won't either
This could work
I Lie
I guess I lie
Because you don't even know the truth
Damn I'm good
I can hide it all
Lie away the world
And when I feel like telling you the truth
How will we distinguish it from the lies?
I'll be the only one with all the knowledge
And I could lie about it
You'll never know what's going on
Doesn't that suck?
I guess I lie
Because when I'm sad you don't know it
I hide the tears behind a shield of smiles
When I laugh I may be dying inside
And guess what
You won't have a clue
I am a damn good liar
Fishing
Gone Fishing says my sign
Fishing for compliments
Fishing for pitty
I don't want to, but that's what I do
I want to confide in you
Tell you the truth
But you're the type of person
One of those who feel the need to try to make me feel better
Better about myself
By giving me compliments
Pease do not
They only make it worse because I know it's a lie
I know that you're just trying to make me happy
And it feels like I tell you things so you'll make compliments
That's not it at all
But that's how it seems
So, I hurt inside because I want to let it out to you
Yet you'll just make it worse
With your kind words and loving care
Damn your niceness
It makes me feel like I'm fishing
Fishing for your compliments
Finally
I have finally realized how cool you really are
That I was the mean one, the crazy one
The fool for letting the stupidest things get to me
You don't deserve my anger, my moronic glares
So, we'll be friends like we were
Like we are meant to be
And I will stop letting anything bother me
I will be cool and true
I have finally realized that we have fun
Even though miniscule at times
I guess I understand the situation now
About how I am no longer #1 for anyone
But, that's okay with me
Because #2 for a lot of people is better than #1 for one
So I finally see how it's going to be
That I'm the friend
I'm cool in my own respect
And I get to be cool with you anyway
Short Poemness
This is an apology poem
Because I know how tedious it is to have to read mine
So, all I have to say is that I'm sorry
And this isn't really a poem
You're just jealous of my skills, I know
And the whole not really poemness thing
Yeah....uh huh....I see it
To Die
Jumps off a bridge
To die
To wait for heaven or hell
Suicide was a sin, right?
Then hell it is
Wrong
Why am I so wrong?
Why do I feel the urge to say and believe one thing
And then make myself a hypocrite?
I shun your kind words
And I look to you for help
But the help I seek comes from those kind words
So, now that you've learned my wishes
They've changed
And when I say horrible things about myself
I want you to reverse them for me
Where did I go wrong?
When did I make it so I wanted it this way?
Because my heart doesn't
But my mind needs the words
Like brain candy
Sweeten my thoughts on me
But it's so wrong
Forget To Breathe
Sometimes I forget to breathe on purpose
Because it makes me lightheaded
And I like that feeling
I'd like to keep it forever
But forever is a long time to hold my breath
I would die
So, now that I think of it
I want to forget to breathe
To be in that safe, lightheaded, lighthearted haven
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
Inhale..................................
Yes, that's it
Light as a feather in this bright white sanctuary
Name Calling
I called you a name today
Well, more than one
Evil, hurtful names
Ones that tear at the soul, at the heart
I think them all to be true
But I am such a terrible person to act in such a way
Forgive me
I'm sorry
I'd hug you, but you cannot hug back
But I do know that you have feelings
To be mean to one's reflection is one thing
And to apologize is another
But it should be done to ease the ache for a while
I called you a name today
Well, more than one
I have to say that I am sorry
But, you knew that, didn't you
Sad Moment For The World
You preach tolerance
And I follow your every word
Because what you say is what I believe
And I always found you to be so intelligent
Idealistic and what is right in this world
Brave words and mind
You opened my soul and spread it's contents through your own words
As if you read my heart and mind
And then I realized a half truth
And it was a sad moment for the world
Tolerance must be shown and spoken--
Which you do so well--
But to all, to everyone
And when I hear the names come out of your mouth
Even the time when you were joking
It hurt me and the world
Predjudice comes in all forms
I realize that now
If we want to educate this world
We too must be educated
And you mocked one person
And used the 'name' of another
So while you preach your tolerance that I once loved
I have to build my own path now
One of ever living, ever loving, every person
You can join me one day
But leave your sad moments away from my world
***
Hero of the night,
Heed my beck and call.
Release the morning light
So I may see the path on which to fall.
Gliding down from that high place,
I watch you wave me past.
I once saw good upon your face,
But I knew it wouldn't last.
Help me to descend so low
That I may never stand again
Because when you gave your darkest blow,
My life came to an end.
***
I hear the voices
They whisper softly
And then disappear as fast.
Then back again
To scream at me
For not listening to the last.
They puncture my heart
And ravage my soul
Only to silence my whole head.
And when they're done
And had their fun,
They leave me silent, dead.
***
Do you like what I've done?
How I kicked myself down?
How you've no need to hurt me much more?
I've shattered myself
Let myself drown
And finally settled the score.
***
Can a test be given for loyalty?
To separate good from bad?
Guilt causes one to tell the truth,
But I wish you never had.
***
We watch and wait for the continuous cycle of similarity.
***
Patience is a waste of time.
Shut your mouth, and I'll shut mine.(RW)
***
Slave to the system
One without thoughts
Except the ones that have been force fed to you.(maybe RW)
***
I'm sorry for all the things I said, but you weren't supposed to hear. I'm not saying that I have lied, just that it wasn't for your ear.(RW)
***
Stripped of your soul,
I feel your anger creeping in.
***
At an impasse, you and I.
I'll face you down 'til you die.
Or until you can admit
That your ideas are full of shit.(RW)
***
And to see clear to light through the clutter in your skull. How shallow you must be for all to see the very rocky bottom of your depth.(RW)
***
Work too hard.
It comes too late.
Death for death
Is your fate.
***
Got to play.
Got to run.
Got to jump.
Got to fall.
Got to hate.
Got to kill.
Got to get myself away from your subliminal messanging.
***
Burn the houses.
Burn the church.
Garnish with nooses
The oak and birch.
As white as snow,
We'll kill your sleep.
Did you know
Evil's skin deep?
***
Padded walls
Padded
Padded
Let me be free
Let me breathe
Relish on my misery
Only to tell me I am fine
The walls are closing in
Padded walls
Padded
Padded
***
Tortured soul
For all to see,
You once died,
And now it's me.
But when I'm gone,
Will you be free?
***
Tragic.
Tragic you.
Tragic girl.
You once had hope,
And now, what you say
Aims to kill.
Die evil! Die sin!
Die what YOU feel is bad within!
Tragic you, but tragic more.
Tragedy will come again
To settle your unhindered score.(RW)
***
Smile and cheer,
For all to hear.
You are alive and well.
Clap and sing,
Let the death toll ring,
Condemning all to hell.(RW)
***
Lost inside
Can't get out
Of a membrane so clear.
After all,
Your conformist mouth
Has gotten you trapped in here.(RW)
***
Oceans of blood
We swim in now.
Paddle through the death.
***
When the clock strikes 8,
We know we're done.
Hypocrisy is so much fun.
You murdered once,
We murder then,
And soon it all will come again.
***
Happy tree.
Don't be sad.
We'll hang from you that evil lad.
***
Land once young robin,
But do not try to fly.
After falling once before,
Can you really reach the sky?
***
Skip a beat.
My heart stops.
But magically, I live.
***
Tears of joy
Stream down your face
At my misfortune and disgrace.
Laugh at me,
I'll laugh as well,
When I'm in heaven,
And you're in hell.(RW-ish)
***
Pessimism,
The way to go,
When you expect to fall.
How can I see
A glass half-full
When you have drunk it all?
(that's my favorite, actually)
=++=Ode To Obsession=++=
=++=
I wait all day just to see a trace of you,
And when it finally comes,
My heart races.
It beats so fast my blood cannot catch up.
I need to take deep breaths to keep the oxygen flowing.
And then I get light headed
As I am light hearted
Just thinking of you.
=++=
Step by step
You inch towards me
Though I am not your target.
I can hear my heart beating
And my soul singing,
Screaming out to you.
But you walk past
To your destination
Of anywhere else.
=++= Silly woman.
Eyes full of hope.
Heart all aglow.
Don't you know that dreams don't come true.
They all lie.
Pathetic fool.
Silly girl.
Having those thoughts.
Saying those words.
Feeling that pain.
You've welcomed agony.
Silly child.
You are not ready.
=++=
I've got it bad?
In the sense that it's just a dumb crush.
Insignificant in the world of crushes,
Yet heavy bearing on my shoulders.
It is crushing me.
I've got it bad.
=++=
You're an arms length away.
I can feel the threads of your clothes,
Of what you wear on the outside.
And you can be right next to me,
But your heart just isn't in it.
I can hold your hand,
But not your depth.
You say one thing and think another.
And just when I think I have a solid grasp,
You cough or sneeze or twitch
And I miss.
=++=
Love is over rated.
You think it is love,
But could you define love?
You are just a child of a generation of pathetic girls who don't understand that
THEY DONT NEED BOYS!!
Never
What do I really know about you?
Pretty face.
Nice clothes.
Charm.
The works.
But, do I know the truth?
Are you really those things?
Never.
Deal
I'm okay without your love.
I'm even okay without your like.
I take comfort in that stability.
I accept what I cannot have,
And I've learned to like it,
Live it,
Love it,
Deal with it.
God-like
Stripped of immortality.
You are no longer a god.
I cannot worship what I do not believe in,
And I do not believe in you.
You cannot be real.
I've lost my faith in man.
I guess you qualify.
Weed Amongst Roses
I'm a weed.
Useless, ugly, annoying.
You'd get rid of me if you could,
But I always seem to come back.
And I surround the flowers,
Popular and pretty.
They don't want me.
They don't need me.
I'm a clever, ever-lasting weed.
No more.
Only less.
Enlighten Me
I grazed the surface of your mind.
I saw what you saw,
I felt what you felt.
And when it ended,
I was enlightened.
I wish I could be you,
Be perfect like your perfection,
Know what you know.
I've yet to uncover the caverns of my own mind,
But I am sure it is more complex.
There is much garbage to sort through
While you have a vast, spotless, awesome intellect.
(5/7/02)
***
Who is worth the struggle?
He.
He who turns ice to fire.
He who turns night to day.
He who turns silence to music.
He who turns hell to heaven.
He who turns nothing to everything.
He who breathes underwater and in outerspace.
He who would give that all up for me.
Who is worth the struggle?
He who answers that question with my name.
***
The dark, solemn sky fades to an actual black.
Once a midnight blue,
And now a space.
***
How long is forever?
Can we really know what has no measure?
The sky's the limit,
And a vast limit it is.
So expansive, we do not know where to stop.
Eventually you'll hit the ceiling made of glass.
Some skies cannot go on forever.
Some things need an end
To bring one's life to a satisfactory conclusion.
Otherwise, when can we rest?
We may not know how long forever is,
But I'm sure it's longer than I can stand.
***
We lay the bricks of the future with our present.
Better keep it perfect.
A bump in the road must be smoothed over.
Prevent the breaks.
To trip and fall on the best laid track cannot be blamed on a worthy past.
Redemption
Where do you go for redemption
When you've lost your soul?
Is there a sacred, hallowed 'Lost and Found'?
But, once you find that place,
Who's to say that another has not yet stolen your very being
With false claims to your loss?
Such a person finds solace,
Enjoyment,
With a holy investment.
Who can say that he or she has not attempted to sell your soul online,
Waiting for the highest bidder
To set their price.
If you had known the monetary value of your soul,
Would you not have lost it?
Would you have held it closely as something priceless?
Or would you run your own modem rampant for the auction of a lifetime?
Or, another train of thought ---
What if there was a coupon for the soul,
Redeemable only at select locations for select times?
Would you have to know redemption before being redeemed?
Is your coupon just a raincheck?
"I'd like to be a saint now. My soul will have angel wings."
Redeemable only on February 29th.
Oh well. What's another year or so?
Then again, your "ticket" to freedom may be just that.
A receipt from 'Souls-R-Us'.
One soul for one receipt.
Now all you need to do is bring in your paper and you can retrieve your captured essence.
Only one problem.
Where is that piece of paper bearing the end to your suffering?
Under the couch?
You must have put it somewhere for safe keeping.
How could you lose that too?
Wait ---
Shoot.
Nothing is going your way.
You must have washed that sanctifying little receipt in the pocket of your $50 khakis.
Level
We need to find level ground.
You're always one inch above me.
And yet, what I say is over your head.
When can I be your equal
And look straight into your eyes?
You won't be able to look down on me
In your high and mighty way.
Each day you grow taller.
You go higher up.
It is so hard to see you now.
The clouds block my view,
And the sun is blinding.
A majestic eagle perches atop your head all thw while wishing to find a more humble haven.
Even the bird needs refuge from your tireless supremacy.
I have to laugh.
You're so far gone that I can't hear you anymore.
You've gone so high that you have gone off of the screen.
You're coming back up from the bottom.
Now that I am the inch above,
You retract.
You refuse to find level ground.
Saccharine
If I could sing,
My throat would ache from my song.
An almost saccharine sweetness envelops my thoughts with music.
If I could dance,
My shoes would be worn to the soles of my feet.
An almost painful truth leads to happiness with movement.
If I could breathe,
My lungs would burst with lost capacity for perfect air.
An almost chilling glimpse of heaven with oxygen.
If I could fly,
I would soar 'til I crash and burn.
An almost ironic end to an utopia with wings.
If I could write,
My hand would quake with the revelation:
Confusing, blissful ignorance of what I can do and what I have done.
An almost imperceptible magic occurs with expression.
With me...
(9/26/02)
***
You're so cute when you're tired
All I can do is laugh
At your messy hair
Disheveled clothes
Drooping head
But where are you today?
Did you possibly sleep in?
You're so cute when you're doing anything.
(10/06/02..most of these are from CompSci, waiting for Plishka to fecking show up late everytime)
***
Trapped in silence.
The void surrounds only me.
I want to break free,
But I cannot.
I see the void as solace
Because it is easier that way.
I'll never be a part of something
Other than nothing.
***
Where does the time go?
It flies when I am happy.
It pauses when I am sad.
Time is fickel.
All I know is that I wish that you made me miserable
So I could spend eternity in the same time as you.
***
It's so quiet in here,
In my mind.
I think of nothing but breathing.
I want nothing but you
And yet, I dare not speak.
It's so quiet in here.
A pin drop could rupture my being.
I definitely dare not speak.
***
My head aches.
It's not a good week.
The demands,
The lectures,
The failure
All consume me.
What can I do but pound my head?
My head aches, and I know why.
It's not a good week.
***
Forever?
Forever, you say?
How can that be?
Forever is a bit too long even for a hopeless romantic like me.
***
Eye candy,
Speak to me.
I can't help but stare.
Look back at me.
Do you see what I see?
Understand me.
Do I dare say anything?
Reassure me.
When will this be over?
Call to me.
I have to run.
Beg for me.
I cannot stay.
Love me.
I'll love you too.
Smile at me.
Ah, that eye candy.
***
The truth is sad.
It hurts.
It scalds.
It braces.
It angers.
It frees.
It marvels.
It's rare.
Ain't it the truth.
***
The Glow. I see it now. Sparkling dust surrounding your life. The perfection you swim in. The perfection I wallow in. Can it be true that it's right in front of me? I believe so.
***
It's only 8:00,
but it feels like Monday.
Time too slow.
Always too early.
Never ending boredom.
I wish it was Monday
Because Wednesday shouldn't be this bad.
***
Where is the sea? It is in your eyes.
Where is the wind? It is in your laugh.
Where is the sun? It is in your heart.
And it is warming me as well.
***
I trekked through the desert.
Through fire and ice,
Through storm and calm.
And not one element stopped me.
I need you that much.
***
Delving into "society,"
I conform for a day.
I'm a good kid.
***
It's an illusion:
How clear you are to me.
How well I can see your face.
A game of optics.
What I see cannot be real,
And if it was,
My life would shatter.
Because everything is based on the falsehood of my greatest illusion.
***
Stop the madness!
I willingly throw myself to the lions
Because, for some reason,
The pain is better than this.
But all THIS is is a dream.
I can only imagine what's in store.
***
Sick with grief.
Sick with rage.
Sick with envy.
Sick with fear.
I think the world is going to vomit.
***
It's so useful to study
Caverns and crevices
Dents and swells
Of your head.
Sometimes it works.
***
You're breaking up.
I don't hear you anymore.
Maybe if you opened your mind,
I'd open my hand,
And stop crumpling plastic.
***
Lean against my back.
I promise to hold you up.
I promise to be here.
I promise to stay.
I'll hold you up forever.
Just lean on me and all will be well.
Lean against my back.
***
User of agitation,
Cool yourself down,
Hold your hands high,
And be free.
***
Hey there.
What's up?
Not much, you?
Ah, same.
Fun.
Oh yeah.
You doin good?
I'm great, you?
Nifty.
Jeez.
What?
I gotta stop talkin to myself.
Yeah.
...
You still there?
Yeah.
Good.
***
I'd sing,
But it'd hurt.
I'd dance,
But it'd hurt.
I'd live,
But it'd hurt.
I'll die,
And it'll hurt,
But I'd be with you,
Without the hurt.
***
It's busy here.
Everyone moves,
Nobody speaks.
We're trying to last,
Trying to win.
It's hectic here.
People come in,
People go out.
They're trying to see,
Trying to feel.
It's cold here.
Silence
Silence
Crescendo
Silence.
***
Where is your perfection now?
That little bubble you were in.
You were born there.
You would have died there.
But it popped.
Where is your perfection now?
Right where it should be:
Oblivion.
***
Happily, I open my eyes to see your face.
I'd close them again to prove it's real,
But I know it isn't.
Technically, you never came.
I'd wait for you again to prove it false,
But I know it isn't.
Warily, I follow my heart.
I'd let it suffer to prove it's love,
But I know it isn't.
So, sadly, I'll just stay here.
***
It's violent,
How your eyes pierce through me like a wayward arrow.
Knowingly, you've tipped the bow
And broken my heart.
All with one direct hit that should have been meant
for someone else.
Don't mind If I cry today;
It's just the searing pain.
***
There is a range of possibilities--in the flowers.
The scent is magnificent,
The colors so luminescent.
I can only pause and cry.
Their freedom will be the death of me and I--I know it.
I grasp at straws,
Rasp at doors.
No one will let me in.
Their closure will be my loss, their win--win by default.
There is a range of possibilities--in the flowers
***
How hard it is to love you
Let alone like you.
How hard it is to like you
Let alone know you.
How hard it is to know you
Let alone see you.
Maybe I should just let you alone...
How hard could it be?
He Plays the Guitar
He sings to me
I can hear it
But before I let him know
It's gone
And just one little word could have saved my life
But the music stopped playing
And we forgot the chorus
Sometimes, I think I can still hear him
But that's only my heart mimicking life
Did I forget to breathe?
*** And winter came to stop the lights
The sky fell, and we ran
And at the hill we watched the world
And silence overcame
Through light and comfort to cold and dark
We knew not what to do
You'll hold my hand as the world ends, and I'll feel safe with you.
***
Funny how even when you don't acknowledge me, my world becomes a better place
How all of time can be erased by just one look upon your face
And night is day and cold is warm and death is life!
One day, you WILL look my way, and I'll be lost forever.
***
There's not much that I wouldn't do to wake up everyday next to you and have you love me like I do you
Tell me what you're looking for and I'll supply it ten times more and be the one that you adore
And wake me if I fall asleep so in my clutches I can keep the sound that makes my open heart leap
Please let me be your world
***
I don't love you, so why does this whip keep crack-cracking against my back for days on end. I think I fear you, and create the pain to runaway from reality. These scars are real; cover them with your hand...We work for light and dark...
***
Something's stirring inside my head
Could be a thought
Could be a tremor
Lost inside my soul for weeks on end
And no one else hears teh voices.
Do you hear the voices?
I hope and pray they go away
But only time will tell
And maybe then, I'll be too lonely
At least I have someone to talk to
***
He just sings it
Crashing on the shores of melody
His heart lets it out
So free and pure
I wish I was that note
The harmony and whole
To die a thousand times to hear it again
I lack the luck
Shot me in the spine
The crack and stumble of a girl gone dead
Release the pain into the wilderness
And hope, for our sake, the blood doesn't stain
Hot hot tears stream down my face
And freeze upon your cold, stifling grip
I feel it, I do. Now let me go
Shed my light for all to see
Kill me
How much harder do I have to beg for you to love me?
For you to look me in the eyes and not see right through them?
Is it my pain you want?
I can suffer
Oh, I can suffer
And I have
And I will
Until you can tell me the truth that I want to hear
I can wait for it, but for how long?
I don't have much else to live for,
And I'd like a healthy life.
How much harder to I have to beg?
I'm willing to try it all
***
I tried to be completely miserable today
Make all the things you've said to me burn a hole in my head
But it's impossible
I tried to cry all day
Open wounds you never knew existed
But it's impossible
I tried to suffer all your consequences
Beat myself down for even knowing your name
But it's impossible
I tried to be your friend again
Break my heart in all the wrong places
You made it impossible
Thank you
***
Sweet carnations
Mock the daffodils, if you will
Sleep in scents I remember from those childhood days of wandering
Discovery
Open book to a flat world
And conscious of nothing but the grass
And then the tiger lilies.
They drooped like my story fell short at the end
The carnations put to shame become daffodils as the daffodils become dandelions.
Those tiger lilies
What do you remember?
***
He grabbed her
He dragged her down
By force, by love, by need to own
He pulled her away and shattered the mirror
What reflection can she know now?
He loved her all too much
One left alone for my eyes to dread
She likes it there
With no way to see her complexion
Oh how swelled those eyes are with tears.
Her mascara drips, and she'll never know
He keeps on dragging
***
It's safe to say you've lost it,
That edge with which you cut me down so many times
A sword or knife or sting or bite
All I know is pain
The tool of no importance
But it's lost
You lost me
I found the right and lost the light and hope again to find myself
You've found me
But I've lost you
And I'd like to stay this way
She rips it to shreds and hates every minute
"I hope life takes me to you"
But at long last she gives in
And right is left at the northern point of the Southern belle
And the ball has yet to start
We wait for the lights to dim, but really, we just close our eyes and hope for the best
I have no flashlight, and you have no switch
"Turn it off, turn it off..."
I can't digest the air
It sticks in my throat
In my lungs
In the cold pools of my veins
I try to swallow you whole but you cling to your breath
Exhale into me
I can't take it
Can't digest it
But I'll hold it for all eternity
You are stuck with me and I choke on you
As you slide down my spine into the void
Where'd my heart go?
Take three a day and call me in the evening
And I'll bite the apple and show you this world
And all you knew will be discarded
For I can love like no other
And the wind will be jealous
The serpent slithers past whispering secrets we already know
I'll wrap you up in nature's clothes
And we can be together
And the snake will know of fear
We hear the cry of our best friend and foe
And what we believe is right
I will ive you power and judgement
If you give me life and warmth
But the cool breeze sits on my lungs and when I breathe, it hurts
You sit on my chest and break me in two
Sacrifice me for the good of two by two and all that ends this life
Fortune bears to those who care
And I, for one, have lost the wheel
I have no eyes
No heart, no soul
It's a black hole that encompasses me
Or so you say
Because you look right past me and walk right through me
Am I shadow or a figment of someone's imagination?
Yesterday, I thought I was real
But you make me feel like I don't exist
Like I don't belong
My face was there before, I swear
But my reflection's quickly fading
This is what you said
This is what I am
Nothing
Am I really nothing?
I must be something because this hurts so bad
Do shadows know pain?
This one does
This one knows more pain than you ever will
***
Restless
So restless
I want to wake up to sunlight and rainbows and birds singing my song
So restless
I want to run through tall grass in long shorts and climb trees a million times high
So restless
I want to hold you and love you and never let you leave
So restless
Oh so restless
The time has come
***
Yes, We're Open
Life obliterated like tomorrow never comes
Bleed forever in the deep darkness, so deep it hums
And the sign on the door reads "Sorry, we're closed"
So closed that daybreak seems to hit on the other side of the world
I would be there, but I have lost my way and found my place outside this empty coffee shop
Losing my breath as I breath on the window, hoping someone realizes I need to be inside
I need the warmth, but there is none here
None left for a forlorn stranger with 12 dollars and one shiny nickel in a flattened purse
Shadows swim past in an effort to redirect my gaze, but I am focused and calm and indirect
Indirect
Indirectly devoted to you
When the doors open, I will be here waing for you, like you asked.
You do remember asking, right?
I will be here when the doors open again and you will place the sign that reads "Yes, We're Open"
