Chapter Three
by Hayley, 2001

But I can't confront the doubts I have
I can't admit that maybe the past was bad
And so, for the sake of momentum,
I'm condemning the future to death so it can match the past.
--Aimee Mann "Momentum"

*JANUARY'S JOURNAL*

June 15, 2001 5:42 pm

So I guess this is where I'm supposed to look in the mirror and wonder if I've changed and if people can tell that I've had sex just by looking at me. Well, that's bullshit. I'm not gonna do that. I still look the same. I still think the same. I am still the same person! Except now I know how big Zac's dick is and what his mouth tastes like and how he sounds when he moans.

Surreal. I guess that would be the best word to describe it. This guy, this very good friend of mine, inside me....but it wasn't as weird or awkward as I expected it to be. It was...good. Nice. Surprisingly hot. Hell, more than hot. Lust, raw and passionate. He was very passionate; the boy is sexier than I ever imagined. But he wasn't rough or forceful, that's what was amazing. He was still so gentle. This amazing mix of sweetness and sex. He was scared, his hands were shaking, but it's like he knew how scared I was, so he acted confident, took control. I was grateful for it.

Every moment is vividly burned into my memory. All I have to do is close my eyes and I see it, like I'm there again. I remember every second, every touch, every whisper, every kiss. The kiss. That first one. All slow motion, like a bad Dawson's Creek episode. Those amazing lips of his. Soft, sweet.

I can't write about the details. Even though I remember everything, I just...can't write about it. Dont' think I can talk about it either. But it was really quite perfect for the first time. And I'm glad I did it.

......oh fine, a few details: hurt like a bitch, condoms are a pain in the ass, orgasm count: 1 (yay me), and it is true what they say about guys with big feet and hands......I can't wait for Taylor.

*ZAC*

Whew. So. That was...something. Aw, who am I kidding? It was good. I liked it. But...there's this feeling...in the pit of my stomach. This voice in my head saying nothing good will come of this. But it's already done. It's too late to stop now. Well, too late for me at least.

I wiped the shit-eating grin off my face as I walked into the house and prayed to all that is good and holy that Ike and Tay wouldn't realize what had just happened. Of course I'm not going to tell them, that's the rule, but I mean...we're brothers. We live together, work together, spend nearly every minute of the day together. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they took one look at me and instantly knew, as cheesy as that sounds. Ike is like a fucking psychic, I'm pretty sure he'll figure it out. But I'm worried about Taylor. I just have a feeling he's not going to handle this whole thing very well. I can't put my finger on why but....I just know.

"Sup?" A hand clapped down on my back and I nearly fell into the refrigerator. Shit, I didn't even realize I had opened it.

"Hey." I tried to sound casual. Hopefully it worked. I'm not a very good liar.

"So, what'd you do this afternoon?", Taylor asked as he pulled himself up onto the kitchen counter.

"Nuthin' much", I answered quickly. A little too quickly. Keep it cool, Zac. "Are we actually out of Dr. Pepper?"

"Yeah, surprising, huh? So, where did you go today?" Oh shit, oh shit. I think I hear a suspicious edge to his tone. Do not say January's house. He'll know.

"Just out, you know. I reeeeally wanted a Dr. Pepper!" Hopefully my whining will piss him off and throw him off track.

"Yeah, well, in the immortal words of the Rolling Stones: 'You can't always get what you wa-hant'. You had to have gone somewhere." Fuck, he is really suspicious. There is no shaking him now. I can't lie. I can't do it. I closed the fridge and cast my eyes downward. Whether I lie or tell the truth, I cannot look him in the eye right now.

"I just...went for a walk." That's right. Keep it simple.

"Zac, you never go for walks. Go rollerblading, go for a ride on your dirtbike, sure, but you never walk. You hate walking." Shit, he knows I'm lying. What do I do?!

"Yeah, well, today I went for a walk." I put my hands in my pockets and leaned against the kitchen table. "You know, just walkin' around..." Could I sound any more lame? I quickly glanced up at him. Damn. He's not buying any of this. I sighed. That's it, fuck it. "Then I walked to January's." ...Silence. Is it possible to hear crickets in the kitchen? I slowly looked up at Taylor. He was looking at the floor. With an unreadable expression. Damn.

"Oh." I startled as he suddenly jumped down from the counter. He walked right up to me and met my gaze evenly. "Did you have a good time?" I recoiled from him slightly. There was venom in his voice, pure and simple. His eyes bore into mine, icier than I'd seen them in a long time. I couldn't hold the stare. I turned my head.

"Yeah. I guess so." Fear. Shame. Guilt. It's all there in my voice.

"Good. I hope you had a good time." He spat his cold remarks at the side of my head. Pause. I braced myself for whatever snarky comment he would hurl next. But it didn't come. Instead, he quietly said, "She's a great girl", then turned on his heel and walked out of the kitchen. I snapped my head around and stared at his back as he walked away, my mouth hanging open. Sweet Jesus. I know why he can't handle this.

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.
One is the loneliest number,
much, much worse than two.
One is the number divided by two.
--Aimee Mann “One”

*TAYLOR*

Why did I do that? No really, what the fuck was I doing? I knew it was going to happen. I knew they were going to...you know. God, I can’t even think the words. Sex. Have sex. There, I did it. My brother and January had sex. Ugh, I still don’t like thinking about it.

God, I was mean to Zac. He probably thinks I’m insane. This is the pact we made. It’s all going according to plan. Except for me going slightly apeshit on Zac. I’m like...jealous...or something. Why? I’m gonna do it too. I’m probably still just jealous about not being first.

*thunk*

Ah, the feel of a piano under my forehead. Seriously, I do all my best thinking here, with my head on my piano. Am I gonna act like this when Isaac does it? Great, then both my brothers will think I’m retarded and probably not want to talk to me. I should apologize to Zac. But how? How on earth would I begin to explain why I freaked out? I’m still figuring it out. Come on piano, do your stuff. Help me think this through. Great, the phone is ringing. Someone else better get it, I’m deep in piano-thought here. ...still ringing. I’m not answering it. ...Jesus, nine freakin’ people live here, isn’t someone else home?! ...still ringing. Fine, you win. I lifted my head and picked up the cordless.

“Hello, last man on earth speaking.”

“Huh?”

Oh shit. It’s January. Oh Christ. What am I supposed to say? Should I let on that I know? Should I get Zac? Should I...I should say something before she thinks I’ve dropped dead.

“Uh yeah. Sorry. It’s Tay.”

“Yeah, I know who it is, dork. What’s up?”

Well, she sounds casual. Cheerful, even. I wonder if it was good for her. Gah. Less obsessing, more talking.

“Nothing. I’m just sitting in the studio.”

“Ah. Doing some piano thinking?” She knows me too well.

“Yeah, kinda.” Ouch, you should’ve lied, stupid. Now she’s gonna ask what you’re thinking about and you better make something up fast. You should also stop thinking in the third person. Whoops, I think she just said something.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“God, you must be doing some serious thinking. You’re like a million miles away, Taylor, what’s going on?”

“Nothing. Just. Stuff.” Could I sound any more stiff and awkward?

“Okaaaay. You don’t wanna talk about it. That’s fine, I’ll just beat it out of you later.” I forced out a small chuckle and said nothing.

“Alright, freak show, I’ll let it go. So what time are we leaving tonight?”

“Tonight?”

“Yes. Tonight. We’re going to the movies, remember? Just me and you? The new David Spade flick? Remember? We saw the commercial and had that huge discussion about the rise and fall of the mullet? Hello?! Anybody home?!”

Whoops. The reason she’s still talking is because I’m sitting here in stunned silence.

“You...still wanna go?”

“Yeeeeaah...why wouldn’t I?”

A million answers flew through my head. You’re exhausted ‘cause my brother’s such an animal. You’re too busy basking in the afterglow. You’re in too much pain...what?--everyone says it hurts girls the first time. How about the very simple reason that you just fucked my brother. And now you wanna go to the movies with me? Unbelievable.

“I don’t know. Why wouldn’t you?” Ouch, the icy tone I used with Zac has returned.

“There is no reason why I wouldn’t wanna go”, she answered carefully. “Why? Why wouldn’t I want to go, Taylor?”

“You tell me.”

“No, you tell me! You’re the one who seems to think I don’t wanna go!”

Shit, I better stop this. She’ll get suspicious, if she isn’t already.

“Look, never mind”, I said hastily. “I’ll pick you up in an hour, ‘kay?”

“’Kay.” She sounds confused and hurt. I don’t blame her.

“I’ll see you then.” I tried to sound more cheery. Failed miserably.

“’Kay, bye.” She hung up without waiting for my goodbye, but then she always does that.

I hung up the phone. Christ. I have to go out with her alone and try not t think about what she just did with my brother a few hours ago. I have to act normal. And I have to do a better job than I just did on the phone. Man, it’s gonna be a rough evening. This requires more piano thinking.

*thunk*

*ISAAC*

"Come in."

Zac pushed open my door apprehensively and then hovered in the doorway. I sighed inwardly. Zac needs to talk. And it's always like pulling teeth with him. You have to coax him into telling you what's bothering him and then when he starts, he won't stop.

"All right, Zac. Sit down and tell me what's going on." I put my book aside and sat up. Zac slowly crossed the room and hesitantly perched on the end of my bed.

"What's eating you, Zac?" I asked, knowing it wouldn't be that easy to get him talking. I was right. He just stared at his hands in his lap. Sometimes--not often, but sometimes--I really hate being everyone's confidante. I like it for the most part. I'm glad that everyone feels comfortable enough to talk to me, but sometimes it really sucks being burdened with everyone else's problems when you've got your own to deal with. But I do it anyways. Back to Zac. He ain't budging an inch. All right, time to engage him in simple conversation, then gradually work up to whatever's bothering him.

"So, what'd you do today?" I asked.

Zac's eyes widened in the manner of a deer in headlights and he quickly looked away. Zac doesn't blush, that's his way of blushing. Taylor blushes. Furiously. Constantly. But why would Zac be "blushing"? All I did was ask what he did today, what's so embarrassing about--...oh...my...God. He did the deed. Zac slowly looked up at me. His face crumbled as soon as he saw mine.

"Oh man, you know!" he moaned, flopping onto his back.

"Uh...yeah...sorry...?" What the hell do you say in this situation?! I'm not supposed to know! We're not supposed to talk about it! Zac sat up again.

"Okay, it's actually good that you know, 'cause it's part of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Whoa, stop right there. We're not supposed to talk about this, not without all four of us."

"Fuck the rules, Ike! God! This is important!"

"Could you do me a favor and not scream at me?", I spat out, narrowing my eyes.

"Okay, I'm sorry. But this is important."

"No, Zac, we're not talking about this, not without January and Taylor", I replied stubbornly.

"We can't talk about it with them, it's about them." Okay, now he's piqued my interest.

"What do you mean?" I asked warily.

"I think...well, I know that Taylor likes January. You know, like likes her...God, that sounds so stupid. But it's true. And I'm not sure, but I think she likes him back. I could've sworn she almost called me Taylor when we were--"

"Whoa! Too much information!" I struggled to fight off mental images of my brother and January...doing stuff.

"Sorry. But the point is, I think they like each other."

"Okaaaay, it's possible", I conceded. "But what's that got to do with the price of eggs?" Zac blinked.

"God, you sound just like her. I always thought that was a retarded expression, I can't believe you've picked it up." I rolled my eyes and gestured at him to get to the point.

"Right. The point is..." He hesitated. "I think we should...stop the pact."

I froze. Oh no, you ditn't. I can't believe this.

"No!", I exploded, startling Zac.

"But, Ike--"

"No", I said firmly.

"Ike!"

"No. I'm not gonna be a part of this. If you wanna quit, quit. Of course, it doesn't really matter to you if it stops now since you already got some", I said accusingly.

"Ike! Quit acting like this!" Zac looked thoroughly hurt and confused.

"No. I'm not stopping it. That's final. We shouldn't even be talking about this." I walked to the door and held it open in a gesture for Zac to leave.

"Fine", he said bitterly, storming out the door, his eyes flashing with anger. I slammed the door behind him.

I flopped onto my bed, feeling pain in the pit of my stomach. Yeah, that would be guilt, eating away at my insides. I know I should stop the pact, it's the right thing to do. But having sex has become this all-encompassing thing. It's like it's next on my life's to-do list: 'must get laid--life depends on it'. And really, if I stop it now, exactly what would it accomplish? This whole thing has already been set in motion by Zac and January doing it. It can't be stopped now. Yes, it can. I'm just making excuses. I know this makes me the asshole, but I'm not gonna back down. January's always rhapsodizing about fate and if something is really meant to happen, then it'll happen, no matter what. So if she and Tay are meant to be together, it'll happen, whether we have sex or not. So I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna put fate to the test.