CHAPTER IV: MARCO: Let me get this straight. You KNEW the Abyss could close itself off and trap everyone inside forever, and you STILL rent space??
GIULIANNA: (through clenched teeth, very exasperated) Do you KNOW how much money it costs for even THIS much plotless fan fiction space? This was the only thing I could afford on my low budget. Besides, I WILL get you guys out. I'm working on it, I swear to God.
CASSIE: (rubs temples) Tell me what's going on again, please?
FOREMAN: Basically, everyone here but Rachel, Jake, and Tobias -- who escaped before the Abyss closed itself off -- and Ax who wasn't here in the first place, is trapped here forever. Unless Giuli actually DOES find a way out, which she'd better before I lose my mind!!!
GIULIANNA: I WILL. Sheesh. Have some patience, Eric. I CAN get us out, I'm thisclose to getting us out, and you WILL get out via me, so everyone SHUT UP AND STOP COMPLAINING!!! I'm under a lot of stress right now, trapped inside an Abyss while I'm supposedly writing a book report on My Brother Sam Is Dead so leave me the hell alone!!!!!Everyone stares at her, shocked. Then, Marco begins to pace back and forth.
MARCO: Isn't there, like, some kind of a warantee or something?
GIULIANNA: (rolls eyes) I didn't BUY it, dumbass. I don't have much long-term use for a defective Abyss.
CASSIE: Do they have directions on how to get us out of here or something when this happens? An instruction manual?
FOREMAN: (whining) I wanna go home!
GIULIANNA: Shut UP, Eric. And the manual is outside the Abyss.
MARCO: (excited) You mean, it's in the fanfic?
GIULIANNA: No, it's in real life, on my bedsta-
FOREMAN: Hot diggitee dog! We can find it, I'll bet!
GIULIANNA: (pleading) But you can't escape the Abyss! If you DO escape, you'll create a plot hole so big that it may very well engulf us all!!!Ignoring everyone's shouts, Foreman takes a Swiss Army Knife from out of his pocket and tears a large, gaping hole in the cloth wall of the Abyss. Harsh wind and even harsher bright light peeps through it, and nearly throws Eric down to the Abyss floor when he walks towards it. He then steps into Oblivian, the home of fanfic authors' imaginations. Giulianna quickly runs up and uses her Omnipotent Fanfic Author Magic to seal the hole.
GIULIANNA: Dammit, the boy's just written his own death sentance.
CASSIE: Am I missing something?
GIULIANNA: Oblivian is a death trap for fictional characters!
MARCO: Could YOU survive in it?
GIULIANNA: Well, yeah, I'm not fictional. I am kind of new to fic writing, so I'm not saying the place doesn't freak me out. But if a character like you EVER ventured into Oblivian, you'd never make it! It's a natural system created to prevent fictional characters from wandering around freely; to keep them in their writers' imaginations or wherever their writers wish to put them, like this Abyss. There are storms of Frustration, and you could get crushed forever underneath a massive hovering Writer's Block!
MARCO: Damn. So there's no way out for us?
GIULIANNA: Well, not if you don't include suicide, yeah.
MARCO: Damn. Shampoo, Cassie, you, and I in the Abyss, Rachel and them in the fanfic...
GIULIANNA: (sits on the floor, face in hands) And, of course, the producers of That 70s Show are all going to blame ME.
SHAMPOO: Why don't you just leave us here, go out into Oblivian, find your imagination, and write us into the fanfic?
GIULIANNA: (giving Shampoo a "No shit, Sherlock" look) I can't. Someone's broken into it one way or another and taken over the fic! He or she sent some of his or her agents to add (shudders) PLOT!The others gasp in pure horror.
GIULIANNA: That's right. And when they're done, THEY will hog all the credit!
CASSIE: How do you know all this?
GIULIANNA: (shivers) I sensed a disturbance in the Spork.
MARCO: Spork? What spork?
GIULIANNA: (pulls a glowing, crystal spork out of her pocket) This one. It tells me who's in MY imagination and what they're doing in it. (looks into the spork) No way! RT romance?! (gets a very, very angry look on her face and growls) That's it. That's just it right there. NO ONE adds cheesy RT romance to MY fanfic!Giulianna marches to where she sealed up Eric Foreman's gash in the Abyss wall and re-opens it. She steps out into Oblivian and seals the hole behind her.
MARCO: Hey, Big Booming Voice? You still there?
YES, MARCO. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?
MARCO: Yeah, please separate sections now. Make the next section the fanfic.
SHAMPOO: Yeah, I want to see what's happening to my Jakie-poo!
CASSIE: (muttering darkly at Shampoo and giving her The Eye) Yeah.
ALL RIGHT. I, THE BIG BOOMING VOICE, HEREBY DECLARE THAT THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE IN THE FANFIC UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED.Tobias was getting very upset with Rachel, the walking radio. He had given up saying anything, because whatever he said was turned into a song. The poor boy was still suffering through his recent mistake of attempting to bribe Rachel into making her stop.
"If I had a million dollars," Rachel sang in her best Steven Page voice. "I'd buy you a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkEY?!"
Mr. Mystery wasn't much help, either. He had given Tobias a map to Visser 3's secret lair (and a single volume containing all six books in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series) before leaving. So the three Animorphs set out to Visser 3's lair alone, hoping for the best.
Jake, who had returned to the fic, annoyingly enough, kept requesting songs.
"Hey, do you know 'Banditos'?" Jake asked Rachel eagerly. Rachel nodded enthusiastically with a blank look in her eyes, briefly reminding Tobias of Ed the hyena in The Lion King.
Tobias hit himself on the head as Rachel began to sing 'Banditos.'THE FOLLOWING SCENE TAKES PLACE IN OBLIVIAN.
I wandered the white, windy desert of Oblivian, trying to ignore the many storms and Writer's Blocks overhead, silently threatening to crush me.
No, I tried to convince myself. You're a fanfic author. They leave you alone. It's okay.
Through terrified looks I'd sneak to the dismal gray sky above, I told myself repeatedly to keep on moving against the wind, which was blowing sand into my eyes and stinging them harshly. I HAD to save my fanfic and get those characters out of that piece of shit Abyss.
I stumbled past differently-colored and -shaped houses marked with many names; Rb, Sky Sorceress, Guardian, and AniUsagi were passed before I finally came to a clear patch of land.
Here it wasn't as stormy and the ground was cracked, dry, and hard, so no sand flew up to sting my eyes. I rubbed the sand from before out of them and looked half-hazardly for a small blue trapezoid with rounded-off edges, marked 'Giulianna.' It wasn't much compared to many of the others, with just enough room to hold my few fanfic files, a comfortable swiveling chair, and a poster of the Barenaked Ladies, but it was the home of my puny little fics and those fics were important to me! If that creep guessed the password to all my files and somehow got through...
I shuddered, imagining plot added to my work. He or she WOULDN'T. Couldn't. Would be stopped. By ME.
Believe it or not.
Then, behind that large red square... YES! It was my imagination! I'd found it!
I zoomed past a sleeping bum without a second look and ran to the door. I threw it open and skid in like Kramer, ready to say: "Heeeeeeere's Giuli!" and frighten the living hell out of the jerk who'd taken my fanfic over.
But I just stood there in the doorway, gaping. I couldn't believe my eyes.
The Big Booming Voice. I tried to say some clever catch phrase, but only a tiny croak escaped my mouth.
The Big Booming Voice sat in MY swivel chair, typing stuff into MY computer and editing MY files!
"I knew it," I said. "Well, actually, I didn't know it, but I KNEW there was something fishy about you working for me for free! I want Mr. Separating-Line back!"
The Big Booming Voice grinned evilly. YES, IT WAS ME. IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME. I DESPISED YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE EXCUSES FOR HUMOR FANFICS. THAT'S WHY I SHOWED UP. YOU KNOW, GIULI, YOU SHOULD REALLY GET ON MY GOOD SIDE. WITH A FEW LITTLE ADJUSTMENTS TO YOUR PROFILE, I CAN DESTROY YOU.
"NO," I shouted. "You don't even know the password to my account! You can't upload or edit ANYTHING on fF.N!!
OH, CAN'T I? His finger hovered above the first key in my password. I watched, horrified, as littles *s showed up on the screen in the box for password. I could see he was typing in the correct word. Soon, I would be nothing but a memory in fanfic authors' minds!
Just in case you weren't aware, that's a BAD thing.FANFIC
"MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOT A JUPEBOX!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??"
"--Captain John Luke Picard and the United Federation of Planets, 'cause they don't speak English anywaaaaaaay..."
"Hey, Rachel, do you hear a scrawny little wimp trying to stop me from hearing my favorite song? Because I sure don't hear one."
"Ever-y body knoows... that the world is full of stuuuupid people, so meet me at the mission at midnight, we'll divy up there. Dun dun dun dun daaaa da da taaaa!"
"Thought not."
"SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT SING! SHE NEVER SAID --"
"Tobiiiiaaaaaas, please. This is the last round."
"Every-body knoooows that the woooorld is full of stuuupid people, but I got the pistol, so I kep the pesos... Yeah, that seems fair!!"
"It better be."
The snappish trio was nearing a large stretch of flat pasture land. According to the map, they were almost to Visser 3's secret lair. It was under a large mountain, a part of the cloudy mountain range that Tobias could barely see in the distance.
As usual, Jake and Tobias were bickering.
"To abuse the curse like that--"
"--I'm just saying that since I didn't bring my discman,"
"--That's just low, right there. I mean, when she gets back to normal, she's gonna kick you a new --"
"--need SOMETHING for entertainment."
Rachel cut in between them. "I'll never let you turn around your back on each other, that's a good idea: Break a promise to your mother. Tuuuurn around your backs on each other, that's a good idea: Break a promise to your mother," she sang, trying to make peace through song.
It didn't work in the 60's and it didn't work just then, with Jake and Tobias. Tobias turned red and just lost it. "I DON'T HAVE A MOTHER TO BREAK A PROMISE TO!!" he shouted.
"Oh, don't you?" a voice said.
Tobias spun around. It was Mr. Mystery. "Narrators come and go so quickly here!" he remarked.
"Actually, I'm an intern," Mr. Mystery replied dryly. "Anywhoo, your mother is not dead."
Tobias's eyes widened. "She's... she's not?"
"No. In fact, you can see her now."
Tobias took a slow step forward. Jake and even Rachel were silent for the first time on this whole trip. Mr. Mystery pulled a large mirror from out of nowhere.
"This," he proclaimed. "is the Mirror of Erised. Look into it, and you will see your parents."
Tobias snorted. "It's a MIRROR! For Chrissakes--"
"Look into it." Mr. Mystery's face was solemn and truthful, and he had a bag of Doritos behind his back. So, Tobias obeyed.
He looked into the mirror. There he was, and the field, and Rachel, seeing lots of free clothes; and Jake, seeing a stack of porn mags. But another set of eyes stared back at him. A woman with long blond hair and bright blue eyes smiled down at him.
"Mom...?"
"TOBIAS, GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Jake's shouting yanked Tobias out of his trance. Jake and Rachel were both pointing wildly at dust rising in the distance, and coming closer quickly. He could just make out what animals the stampede was made up of -- they weren't animals at all. They were giant, rampaging copyright symbols. And running in front of them was J.K. Rowling and her 20 lawyers!
"RUN!" Tobias shouted. This was shouted primarily at Rachel, who was standing there like an idiot, eyes completely blank, happily singing "Yeeeah, run away, yeah, to-oniiiight. Leet's run away, yeah, tonight..."
The rampaging herd galloped ever closer. Both Mr. Mystery and the mirror of Erised had disappeared. Tobias guessed that maybe he was in a courtroom being sued by Hogwarts right then. But with whom? It seemed all the British lawyers in England were here, ready to stomp his head in with their Wingtips of Doom.
In desperation, Tobias grapped Rachel's arm and dragged her over a nearby hill behind which Jake was huddled.
But it was too late.
Tobias's grip wasn't strong enough, and Rachel's arm slipped out of his. Still singing stupidly, she happily stumbled back into the stampede.
"RACHEL!!"
J.K. Rowling herself paused before the blank-eyed blonde writhing at her feet. She lifted back her heel and kicked her repeatedly in the head. Dust flew up around Ms Rowling, kicked up into the air by the herd of copyright symbols. Soon Rachel was unconcious. Her work was done. She brushed her expensive suit off and continued running with the herd, hoping to gain enough speed to be knocked into the dimension Mr. Mystery was in.
With the sound of the beating of hooves now pretty far off into the distance, Jake and Tobias ran out from behind their little hill to see how Rachel was doing.
"Rachel!" Tobias shouted urgently, after making sure she could breathe (It would be pretty stupid to urgently shout at a corpse, eh?). She sat up and blinked.
"I'm... I'm fine... What happened?" she asked, rubbing her head. There was some blood streaked through her blond hair, and bruises in the shape of expensive womens' heels.
Jake and Tobias stared at Rachel. Then at each other. Then at Rachel.
"Whaa-aaa-aaaat?!" Rachel demanded, sitting up and rubbing her head.
"You're not... you're not... you know, singing?" Tobias said tentatively, as if she might burst into song at any given moment.
Rachel stared at the two boys like they were two total morons. Which, in actuality, they were. "Singing?" she asked cynically. "Yeah, whatever."
Rachel then stood up and continued walking toward Visser 3's secret lair.CHAPTER V
Marco, Cassie, and Shampoo sit in the Abyss. Marco sits and twiddles his thumbs, Shampoo cooks up some ramen noodles, and Cassie paces back and forth.
MARCO: Hey, Giuli left her spork here.
CASSIE: Look into it. Maybe we can see what's happening to Jake!
MARCO: (looking into the spork) Oh my God! Giuli's in trouble! The Big Booming Voice is in her imagination!!! HE's the one who took over the fic! (angry look) And I trusted him.
SHAMPOO: (leaning over to look at the spork) Heh. Not much of an imagination, if you ask me.
MARCO: Well, she's got a low budget. Give the girl a break.
CASSIE: (grabs the spork from him) They're - they're BATTLING!
MARCO: With what?
CASSIE: Words... apostrophes... conjunctions... little symbols... Ouch, hit in the head with a percent sign. Gotta hurt. And magic! Oh, and salted snacks of some kind.
MARCO: (grabs the spork back) Looks like Giuli's losing, too. Wait... those are Doritos! Cassie, they're hurling Doritos at each other! What are we going to do??
CASSIE: (stands up, looking all proud and strong and stuff) We can go out there and save our author!
SHAMPOO: Well, we can't do that. We'll die if we go out there.
CASSIE: I don't care. Who KNOWS what that fiendish fiend could be doing to our friends back in the 'fic?? And to Giuli!
MARCO: How come you care so much about Giuli now? She's the one who dragged us to this stupid cheap little Abyss.
CASSIE: (shrugs and waves arm) Yeah, well, she's got Doritos. We HAVE to help her! If not for her, then for us! And for Jake and Tobias and Rachel!
MARCO: (nods slowly) Yes... for Rachel...
CASSIE: For Doritos!
MARCO: (stands up, suddenly determined) God dammit, Cassie, let's go save those Doritos! Shampoo, you coming?
SHAMPOO: (shakes head vigorously, still slurping noodles) No way. Not me! I have brains enough to know that that place out there is a death trap.
MARCO: That it may be, but those Doritos are out there.Marco goes up to the Abyss wall and re-opens the hole. He and Cassie step out into the blankness.
Suddenly, Marco disappears from view!CASSIE: (looking around wildly) Marco! Marco, where did you go??
SHAMPOO: (shakes head sadly) Plot hole. That escape route has been used one too many times. He is gone.
CASSIE: Where?! WHERE??
SHAMPOO: (grimly) No one will ever know.Will Marco survive? Will the Big Booming Voice take over the fanfic? Will Tobias, Rachel, and Jake ever find Ax in Visser 3's lair? Find out in the third installment of The Fanfic Consisting of Little to No Plot!!!
By Giulianna