I'm still doing all-around updating. This is going to be a very slow process. I'm gone from AU for winter break... This page will not get updated much until I go back.

Sometimes I think that all I've ever done with my life is create pain... For myself and for others... Can I not live without causing pain?

I'm still doing all-around updating. This is going to be a very slow process. I'm gone from AU for winter break on Dec. 15... This page will not get updated much during that time, for previously mentioned reasons.

I feel really crummy... I went to a party at Craig and Linda's house last night, which was fun. And I got to talk to John from the Pantheon, who's studying Shamanism. He's an amazing person. He seems to know a lot about the kind of things i'm interested in. Several times while sitting out by the fire, he asked me what I was thinking, and I told him nothing each time. He's a smart guy, and I'm a lousy liar, he knew better. The last time he asked, I said nothing, and when he called my bluff, I asked why I should tell him, then that I didn't particularly want to tell him. Fact is, the moment I said it, I felt like an asshole. It's a defense mechanism for me really, to keep everyone at a controlled distance. Everytime he had asked me what I was thinking, my mind had wandered into the area where I don't let people in. Whether he was trying to be nice, or just jokingly picking on me, I was really rude and mean. I tried to find him a little bit later to apologize, but he had dissapeared from the party.
Sometimes I think that all I've ever done with my life is create pain... For myself and for others... Can I not live without causing pain?

I'm still doing all-around updating. This is going to be a very slow process. I've been drawing a lot of SesshouMaru pics recenctly, I may do a little shrine to my favorite anime dog demon. ^_-

Well, I'm back from Home... for the whole three weeks until they let me leave again... So i'm gone on Dec. 15... This page will not get updated much during that time, because I don't particularly want to explain to my parents why I haven't been talking directly to them on a lot of this stuff. Thus, they don't know about this website. I will be locatable via e-mail, AOL IMer, and ICQ, as if anyone ever tries to locate me...

Going home was nice, when my little brother wasn't bitching... I love him anyways... Emily S, Mark W, Brad, and I all went to see Unbreakable and got ice cream afterwards on Wednesday evening, then Em and I ended up talking outside her house for a while until my little brother called to find out where I was. Roberto came over for Thanksgiving and he and I stayed up until 4:30am watching anime, playing FF9, and just hanging out, BJ was up too, until about 1 or 2 am. ^_^ Then Rob drove home so he could get some sleep before work the next day.
On the crummy side... I was attacked by a shadow-walker, which hasn't happened since I moved to Auburn, there's actually an extreme lack of them here. It wasn't a huge problem, it was just painful b/c it caught me off guard. Hmph, my own fault really... I shouldn't let my guard down, and the night preceding Sunday, the 26th, I had an odd dream, I'll record it soon...

It was so hard leaving home again... I miss my friends, no da? It makes me feel like a weakling to say that. I'm a loner, damn it all... I'm not supposed to care about being alone or not...

I'm still doing all-around updating. There's a lot of new images in the My Mind section and they have text boxes when you move your mouse over them. Also there's anew back button, my artwork (it's the pack of my Skye RPG character). I'm hopeing to get rid of all images that aren't my own work by the time i'm done, with the exception of links, and the animated candle.

I've put a new entry in the visions section, and if you visit the Tower, we have a new writer, can't wait for him to start...

I feel so alone recently, I'm glad i'm going home for Thanksgiving. I have friends here, but I just don't feel close to anyone here. I'm a tool for fortune-telling at my dorm, and i have a few friends i've met between classes and at club meetings, but no real connections. I really want to get to know the people in the Pantheon, i feel like I can trust them, that in itself scares me. But even worse is the fear that if I try to get close to them, they'll either decide i'm phsychotic and hate me, fear me, or avoid me w/o admiting they hate me or are afraid of me. I couldn't deal with it. It's hard enough for me to even want to trust or care for people that much, I couldn't deal with them hating or fearing me. Then there's the fear that anyone I let get too close to me is in danger of being hurt because of me, because of 5 years ago, and I couldn't bear harm coming to them. Its better to be alone... At least that, I'm used to.

I'm doing all-around updating this eve' don't know when i'll be done, but almost every page will eventually get at least one minor modification.
I'm in the process of doing this.

Ever since sunday the weather has been composed of gray-blue cloud-filled skies, with a good bit of wind, and a decent amount of rain... I've been enjoying it immensly... I'm strange I know, but for me, this kind of weather just feels wonderful... Walking out in the wind... you just want to stop and spin & spin... just feel how it feels to feel everything all at once...

Baka! Baka! Baka!

And that's the language lesson of the day, Baka is japanese for idiot...
Update in the vision section... If you think I shouldn't call myself an idiot, bugger off... i'm mad at myself...

But I finished that Ethics paper today, so all is not lost to idiocy....

Still waiting for a page subject to do from that bet... *shrugs* I act as if people actually see this page...
Ah well, if you have no idea what i'm talking about, look at my old updates link.

Ah, persecution, hatred, holier-than-thou attitude... feels like i'm back home....
This is supposed to be a Blairwitch 2 review?

Still waiting for a page subject to do from that bet... *shrugs* I act as if people actually see this page...
Ah well, if you have no idea what i'm talking about, look at my old updates link.

New entance image! Everyone like? Oop, oh yeah, no one ever sees my page...

Still waiting for a page subject to do from that bet... *shrugs* I act as if people actually see this page...
Ah well, if you have no idea what i'm talking about, look at my old updates link.

Well, I've got the basics down for the "my Beliefs" page, But, I'll probably be updating it from time to time indefinitely. On other news, i'm re-doing my entrance page, making it a little less, er... rude. I'm going to keep the copyright notice, it's the first thing i made for this site, but it will just become a link at the bottom of my updates.

Still waiting for a page subject to do from that bet... *shrugs* I act as if people actually see this page...
Ah well, if you have no idea what i'm talking about, look at my old updates link.

Something just occured to me, I have a tendancy to say "my beliefs" a lot, but never say what those beliefs are. Therefore, we have a new page on this site. It is still being built. I doubt it will ever truly be complete, but I'll let you know when it's basics are done, so don't assume any of the sections are complete. I'll be working on and off at least all day today, and probably some of tomorrow.
The new page is linked in both the "My Mind" and the "My Notebook" areas. Also, i've linked it directly below.
My Beliefs

Still waiting for a page subject to do... *shrugs* I act as if people actually see this page...
Ah well, if you have no idea what i'm talking about, look at my old updates link.

On the Updates frontier: My old Tower website is up and running again! It is where a friend and I co-write stories. W're looking for more writers, so check it out.
The Tower

Well, you guys won the bet. After classes in the morning I did not leave my dorm except to get food, and nothing happened. I'm kind of happy that it was a calm 13th.
So... tell me a new page subject you want, i'll do. Short of something sick, be reasonable ok? Post it on the message board or e-mail me.
I'm kinda wishing that I had gone to the Esbats ritual held friday, but it's probably better for my health that i didn't.

On a new subject, I had a blast last night! I started to head downstairs for the hall council meeting, and my tarot cards demanded they come. I had time before the meeting so i brought them and sat in the hall living room to see what they felt like saying. I got jack. Typical when i try to read myself though.
But, through and after the meeting I ended up reading the council members. I was fairly accurate on everyone, except one girl. We ended up talking about the basics regarding tarot what they had heard, what was true and what wasn't. We also talked about sheilds and sensitivty. Through the course of the time, I found something i'd been hoping to find in the dorm, but had almost given up on, OPEN HEARTS AND MINDS. They were all interested and patient, and they didn't judge me. They actually seemed to want to learn more.
One girl, who was especially interested, told us about how she is and has been since birth sensitive to the Other Side. Where as I am sensitive to fae and general spirits, Other Realm type, she is sensitive to ghosts, Other Side type, they are apparently attracted to her. I think she will come up to talk to me later on. I do want to make sure she can protect herself if she comes into danger.

Side Note: Do not start doing 10 card tarot reads around 9pm and do so many that you don't leave until about 11:30 when you can't sleep in the next morning. I think I did more than 10 in a row, with no breaks. I thought I was fine, but damn if i didn't feel drained this morning when i got up for that 8am class. I had to chug a lot of caffeine to get moving, but i think i'm okay now. I'll be running on sugar and caffiene until I get a good rest. Luckily, classes don't start for me until 3:30pm tomorrow.

October 13th is here... The bet is still on...
If no weird shit happens to me... I'll owe you a new page on a subject of your request...

Hmm. I made a big Blairwitch symbol to hang on my door in honor of the holiday season. You know real sticks and twine, just so it would look authentic. Should've known i'd get hate notes on my white board...

Note to self - do not watch Hanging up while thinking about what your family went through during and after the death of both grandmothers within three months of each other almost a year ago. I almost started crying. Dammit. I hate this. It was supposed to be scary movie night at the dorm, not sappy chick flick. Funny how I can watch violent slashers and creepy movies like Apt Pupil and never blink an eye, even smile now and then, but that junk makes me flash back to my mom hypervenilating in a corner of the kitchen after trying to talk to my bitch of an aunt about splitting up the estate again, want to cry.

October 13th is coming... The bet is still on...
If no weird shit happens to me... I'll owe you a new page on a subject of your request...

Crappy Sunday! damnable machines... sometimes they just... OOH! Well, shit happens...
I live a good 4 and 1/2, 5 hour drive from home, 3 hours into the drive back to college this weekend, one of my back tires dies, lovely, I couldn't get it off... Thank the gods for cell phones though, I called mums and dads and they came to the rescue, I was on the side of I-65 for 3 hours, but that's just how my luck runs...
While I was waiting, I saw this thing in the trees nearby... The size of a small human it was darkly-colored and was "climbing" up and jumping between the thick mass of trees outside my car... The way it climbed was so strange, imagine a person climbing around and up the tree in a spiral, kind of like a snake twisting around it, but there was a definate movement like legs, one being put on a side of the tree then pushing off to move the body upward... I wasn't afraid of it, it was just odd...

Welcome to october people! This month, the thirteenth falls on a friday night, and its a full moon...
I'll make you people out there a bet, if no weird shit happens to me... I'll owe you a new page on a subject of your request...

I've done some link shifting... "My Mind" is now pretty much all my journals and the excess pages from "My Mind" are now on a "My Notebook" link.

Welcome to october people! This month, the thirteenth falls on a friday night, and its a full moon...
I'll make you people out there a bet, if no weird shit happens to me... I'll owe you a new page on a subject of your request...

On the other hand, I really enjoyed the Pantheon's meeting tonight on Reiki, a japanese system of healing.
Five people got level one attunements... the energy flow in the room was amazing... the air seemed to pulse, especially around the healers, the five new and the two old: Cliff and Stormy. I was a wonderful feeling in the entire room.
As the attunements were being given, I was drawn to look at the symbols in the Reiki reference book... One of the symbols I immedeately regonized as being one of the missing two symbols that i could not quite recall from my "A Gym And Four Swords" dream on Dream journal page 1. I asked Cliff about it, and apparently it means gathering power. If i wake up in the morning and know the chant that matches the symbol... well, whoa... something's going down, and has been ever since I arrived in Auburn...

Oh great news, after the meeting I was flagged down by a group of three christians taking an opinion survey for their church; no biggie really, until when I finished the survey one of them asked if he could make a comment on the last question. That was when a Convert, Jesus Christ is your savior speech began... conversion speeches are one of my pet peeves, but I humored him, listening politely, towards the end all three of them were getting that "we've got this one" look i see whenever i don't attempt to put my two cents into a conversion speech... When he asked, "So, are you ready to make a decision tonight?"
I smiled and told him, "I've already made a decision about my faith, and I don't think that it quite correlates with yours." and told them to have a nice evening and be safe. It was a big thing for me, though i'm not sure why... I have believed what i have believed for a long time, and the past two years i have realized that what i believed fit closer with paganism than anything else, but it wasn't until i joined the Pantheon that i felt like my beliefs were linked to anyone elses... I think I don't feel quite so alone anymore... that means a world and a half to me... And the Pantheon members may never know the difference that they have made in my life since I came to Auburn... but I will always appreciate it...