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Baseball Top Ten Lists

From David Letterman's Show

Top Ten Complaints Of The Average Baseball Player

10. Medical plan does not cover cryogenics
9. It's the grueling 3-hour work day
8. Beer vendor seldom makes it to the dugout
7. Being called "out" is a crippling blow to one's self esteem
6. A certain percentage of us have to play for the Devil Rays
5. Mitt hand doesn't get any sun
4. It's 2002 and we still have to endure tiresome "We Will Rock You"
3. When a beach ball comes on the field, we want to keep it
2. People think strike is about money, when it's actually about a boatload of money
1. "I think Mike Piazza's checking me out"
Top Ten Perks of Being a Member of the National Baseball Hall of Fame

10. I get a ballpark frank for a reduced price of only $20 (He's a member of baseball's elite 3,000 hit club, Lou Brock)
9. If I don't have the money for the Domino's kid, I hand him any old bat and say, "I used this to hit my 500th home run" (He hit 573 home runs in 22 seasons, Harmon Killebrew)
8. I once saw Earl Weaver naked (He was named to 18 consecutive all-star teams, Brooks Robinson)
7. All the rosin you can eat (The only man to lead his league in home runs 7 years in a row, Ralph Kiner)
6. I'm not just a guy with a crazy mustache, I'm a Hall of Famer with a crazy mustache (He won the MVP and Cy Young awards in 1981, Rollie Fingers)
5. "I gotta do Hall of Fame stuff" -- perfect excuse to get out of plans the wife made (He won 20 games 5 times and the Cy Young Award twice, Bob Gibson)
4. I can run on the field shirtless and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it (300-game winning knuckleballer, Phil Niekro)
3. Get to appear on lame late night talk show (He pitched 3 no-hitters and led the league in wins 6 times, Bob Feller)
2. We're the only ones who can rebroadcast or retransmit an account of a game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball (13-time Gold Glove winner at shortstop, Ozzie Smith)
1. One free swing at a costumed mascot of my choice (This weekend he'll be inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. All-star catcher, Gary Carter)

Top Ten Least Successful Baseball Promotions

10. Sticky seat night
9. Get a free piece of that crappy gum that comes with baseball cards
8. Win Tommy Lasorda's pre-slimfast pants
7. Ticket stub night
6. Get hit in the face by a 90-mph fastball
5. Completely obstructed seating day
4. Babe Ruth's last survivng hookerer gives you the opportunity to catch the Clap
3. Keep the beachball going or die
2. Steinbrenner fires your ass
1. "Nothin' but bunts"

Top Ten Least Popular Attractions at the Hall of Fame (1997)

10. Animatronic Albert Belle that grabs himself
9. The hall of pitchers who threw like girls
8. Diorama of insect parts found in stadium hotdogs
7. Babe Ruth's partially-eaten baseball glove
6. Bus ticket to Columbus autographed by Hideki Irabu
5. Wishing well filled with Steve Howe urine samples
4. Titanium dugout bench built for Cecil Fielder
3. 1968 photo showing how Gaylord Perry got his nickname
2. The Louisville Slugger that Kathy Lee used on Frank
1. Tobacco spit flume ride

Top Ten Other Highlights of the 1998 Baseball Season

10. San Diego Chicken reveals 1-year relationship with Henry Hyde
9. Opening day when Clinton threw out the first lady
8. David Wells pitches a perfect game - goes on 18 day malt liquor bender
7. Price of Yankee Stadium nachos breaks $20 barrier
6. Cal Ripken's streak of 40 consecutive games without scratching himself
5. This: (Video clip of Paul Shaffer throwing like a girl)
4. May 19th in Milwaukee - 1 millionth fan teases Chipper Jones about his name
3. Have-Sex-With-An-Oriole-Night at Camden Yards
2. The Yankees give Steinbrenner 114 reasons to shut the hell up
1. Mets actually reach double figures in wins

Top Ten Signs an Umpire is Nuts

10. His chest protector has large silicone implants
9. Cleans Home Plate with his tongue
8. The first batter has worked the count up to 46 balls, 29 strikes
7. Makes own face mask out of bubble wrap and duct tape
6. Was seen checking into Motel 6 with the Philly Phanatic
5. Three small and very telling words: wears a cape
4. Keeps running up to fat guys in the stands and yelling, "Babe Ruth, you're alive!"
3. Insists that "baseball fever" is the cause of that weird rash on his back
2. Whenever he sees a player adjusting himself, he yells, "Ball Two!"
1. Long after the game has ended, he's still squatting

Cal Ripken's Top Ten Favorite Games of His Career (1998)

10. Game 87
9. Game where he drilled Steinbrenner in the thorax with a foul ball
8. Game number 666, because Streak would not have been possible without the help of his dark lord, Satan
7. All-Star game '88 - unforgettable half hour whirlpool with Steve Sax
6. Any game where Hanson sang the national anthem
5. Milwaukee '96 - played entire game with open gunshot wound
4. 1985's Duran Duran night when the great Simon Lebon signed his bat
3. He cannot recall one game in particular at the present time (number 3 is brought to you by President William Jefferson Clinton)
2. June 8th, 1984 - you should've seen the smokin' chick in the first row
1. The game when he finally got to sit his tired ass down