The way you’ve never seen it before
Mirror: Gus
Queen/Witch: Jellylorum
Snow White: Victoria
Prince: Mistoffelees
Horse: Pouncival & Tumblebrutus
Huntsman: Munkustrap
Happy: Tumblebrutus
Grumpy: Rum Tum Tugger
Dopey: Pouncival
Sleepy: Alonzo
Sneezy: Plato
Bashful: Admetus
Doc: Mungojerrie
Animals: Jennyanydots’ mice & cockroaches
Director: Rumpleteazer
Assistant Director: Etcetera
Producers: Tantomile & Coricopat
Script: Pouncival
Special effects/Supervisor: Skimbleshanks
Scenery & Props: Cassandra
Lights & Music: Jemima & Electra
Costumes: Jennyanydots
Choreographers: Demeter & Bombalurina
Narrator: Jennyanydots
Snow White
Act One
(curtain opens to reveal Victoria/Snow White scrubbing the steps of a huge castle)
Victoria: Wow! This is really fun! (grumbles) I’m gonna kill you, Pouncival, for writing this stupid script.
Jellylorum: (pokes her head out of a window) Snow White? How’s it coming?
Victoria: Okay I guess. I only have 27 more steps to wash.
Jellylorum: Wow! You’re coming along really well! Now if you’ll excuse me, I must leave to go talk to myself in my mirror.
(she turns to her mirror on the wall)
Jellylorum: Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest one of all?
Gus: Um, let me think for a second. (he looks at Rumpleteazer) What’s my line?
Rumpleteazer: Gus! You’re the Theatre Cat! You should know your line.
Gus: Oh, I know it! Snow White is the fairest one of all.
(Rumpleteazer rolls her eyes)
Jellylorum: Snow White! That’s not possible! I mean, she is young and beautiful, and I’m old and ugly and shriveled up like a prune and…POUNCIVAL!!!
Rumpleteazer: (whispering) That’s not part of the line.
Jellylorum: I DON’T CARE! Who hired Pouncival to write this play anyway?
Rumpleteazer: I did.
Jellylorum: Oh. (pause) I DON’T CAAAAARE! I quit this stupid play! (storms off)
Pouncival: Sheesh, she must be pretty angry that she’s shriveled up like a prune.
Rumpleteazer: We need someone to fill in for Jellylorum. Um…Victoria!
Victoria: (from offstage) ME?
Rumpleteazer: Yes you. Now hurry up. I don’t’ have all day.
Victoria: But I…but…I’m already playing a part. I’m Snow-
Rumpleteazer: Victoria, have a heart. It’s up to you to save the play!
Victoria: (frantic) But…but I don’t know the lines!
Etcetera: Improvise! We’re probably better off without Pouncival’s lines anyway!
Victoria: Well, okay…(steps timidly onto the stage) Uh…hi.
Rumpleteazer: You can do better than that!
Victoria: Um, okay…Thank you for that information Mirror!
Gus: No problem.
Victoria: Now I know what I must do. I must kill Snow White! (cackles so loudly that the audience alarmingly covers their ears) Oh. Sorry.
(curtain closes, then reopens to reveal the empty stage with castle steps backdrop)
Rumpleteazer: Victoria! Where are you! You’re on again!
Victoria: Wha—oh! (rushes onto stage, half in Snow White costume, half in Queen costume) Hee hee! Oh, washing steps is fun! (starts scrubbing floor and glares offstage at Pouncival)
Jennyanydots (narrator): Off in the distance, Snow White could hear a horse carrying a handsome yet short Prince.
Mistoffelees (offstage): Pouncival!
Victoria: Hark! I hear a horse!
(Mistoffelees can be seen riding a very strange-looking horse)
Pouncival: Tumble, you’re suppose to be the horse’s butt! Not me. (he crawls towards the front, causing the horse costume to start looking like a huge lump)
Tumblebrutus: Uh-uh! You’re supposed to be there. (he pushes Pouncival in the back. Pouncival pushes back)
Misto: Whoa, horse! (in a whisper) Will you two stop that?
(Pouncival and Tumblebrutus keep shoving)
Misto: WHOA! (Mistoffelees falls off, and the costume splits in two)
Jennyanydots (in the background): MY COSTUME! Do you two have any idea how long it took to make that?!
Rumpleteazer: Calm down, Jenny. (to Mistoffelees) Go on.
Misto: You guys are getting on my nerves! ( he shoves Pouncival and Tumblebrutus offstage.)
Pouncival and Tumblebrutus: HEY!!!
(as they roll offstage, the audience hears a loud “thunk”. All the lights flicker once, then go out)
Cast and Audience: POUNCIVAL!
Pouncival: I’ll fix it! Really!
Etcetera: Misto, just say your line!
Misto: Fine. Ahem. (clears his throat) Look at the beautiful castle. My bride would love it. I think I’ll buy it!
Jenny: As the Prince is looking at castle, Snow White is looking at the Prince.
Victoria: Isn’t he dreamy? I want him to be my boyfriend, and marry me. Yes, I know he’s short…
Misto: Pouncival!
Victoria: …but I think he’s cute.
Jenny: The Prince leaves after awhile and Snow White goes to pick flowers in the woods.
Victoria/Queen: Huntsman, follow Snow White into the woods. I want you to kill her, so I can be the fairest of the land.
Munkustrap/Huntsman: Okay, O Mighty Queen.
Jenny: So The Huntsman takes Snow White to the flower field. While Snow White is picking the flowers, the Huntsman drew his knife to kill her for a gruesome, bloody, disgusting, vile death.
Victoria/Snow White: Oh, I love picking flowers almost as much as I love to wash steps!
Munkustrap: Okay, let’s kill her!
(huntsman draws his knife and gets ready to stab Snow White)
Victoria: Eeep! Don’t kill me! I’m too young to die!
Munkustrap: (widens his eyes and drops his knife) I’m sorry, my dear Snow White. I had direct orders from the Queen to kill you.
Victoria: (widens her eyes wider than Munkustrap’s) But WHY?
Munkustrap: Because you’re young and beautiful and she’s old and ugly and wrinkled up like a prune. (shrugs) She’s jealous.
Victoria: Of ME? Wow! Nobody’s ever been jealous of me before! I feel honored!
Munkustrap: But now… you must run. Run away and never return.
Victoria: (mumbling) Why does that line seem so familiar?
Pouncival: (offstage) I got it from the Lion King. Hakuna Mattata!
Victoria: (rolls her eyes) Whatever. (to Munkustrap) Thank you Huntsman for your advice. I think I’ll go move into the 7 dwarf’s apartment. They were always such nice fellows. (smiles at Munkustrap) I’m so happy that you decided not to kill me, so I’m going to give you these lovely flowers! (stuffs the flowers into Munkustrap’s paws)
Munkustrap: (sniffs the flowers) Aah… they smell beautiful. Just like you.
Victoria: (frowns) I smell beautiful? (lifts arm and smells her pits) Eew! No I don’t!
Munkustrap: Well, I think you do.
Victoria: Thanks. Now, I must go before you decide to kill me after all.
(Victoria runs offstage and Munkustrap just stands there, smelling the flowers. Curtain closes, and Act One is over.)