The excellent adventures of Cid and Vince

It was a fine morning in Rocket Town.As usual,Cid was in his favorite couch,enjoying a smoke and getting ready to see the Dukes of Hazzard, when a yell came from the kitchen.
"Aiiieeee!"it was Shera´s voice.
"Shera! What is it?" Cid said when he got to the kitchen.
"I was making myself a coffe,when suddenly,a spider came out behind the coffe maker.It was a huge,horrible spider"
"Don´t worry,I´ll kill that spider" Cid said,knowing that sometimes women exagerated,and that the spider wouldn´t be bigger than one of his hand nails.Knowing that he begun to search the kitchen for the little bug.After searching for it for all the kitchen,he decided to check the living room.When he was about to give up,he feeled Shera taping his shoulder.
"Cid,there it is."
As Cid turned around prepared to squash the bug,he saw it wasn´t as little as he thought.It was a huge monster of the likes you expect to see in a brazilian jungle,but not in a house.As Cid was trying to get to his spear to kill the spider,he saw another one coming to him!.And another one!.The spiders kept coming until the house was full of them. Cid,desperated,used an Exit spell and he and Shera apeared in the plains near Rocket Town.

An hour later.
"What do you mean you can´t do a $#%@%#&?!!!" Cid yelled at the bug exterminator,a fat guy who was inside an astronaut-like suit.
"Well Mr. Highwind,I´m afraid we can do nothing.Your house has been infested by the dreaded Nicotinus arachnys,which it´s commonly found in tobacco plantantions,but never in such large numbers.It seems they were atracted by the intense tobacco odor that it´s in your house.They are extremely resilient against insecticides,so you must wait until the odor dissipates from your house and they leave.Until then you must stay in another place."
"#%$(/%"#" Cid muttered.
"What was that?"
"Nothing"
After the man was gone,he and Shera went into the Shangai Inn.Cid hated being in a hotel room,but at least it had a TV,so he turned it on to see if the Dukes were in any channel.
"You know Cid,now it would be a perfect time to go and visit my aunt Sylvia"
At the mere mention of that name Cid froze.He didn´t like aunt Sylvia a bit.And she didn´t like him too.The first and last time he was there ,she tried to poison him with her cookies,was attacked by her cat,and almost broke a leg when she "accidentally" kicked the stair he was on while fixing the roof.He didn´t want to go again to that Hell´s sucursal known as aunt Sylvia´s house.He had to think quick in an excuse before Shera could drag him there.
"Ahh,I would,ahh,be glad to acompany you to see aunt Sylvia,but,umm,I had,err,promised Vincent I would visit him.Yes that´s it".
"OK,then I will give my aunt your greetings".
The next day,Cid had mounted his gold chocobo Darth and traveled trough the Nibel mountains heading to Nibelheim.He didn´t liked hotel rooms,and it had been a while since he had payed a visit to Vinny.When he arrived at Nibelheim,he went to the Shinra mansion and ringed the doorbell.The notes of "Holy Grail" from that Monty Python movie filled the air and the door opened.
"Hello Cid" Vincent said
"Hi Vinny.What´s up?"
"Come in and tell me why are you here"
"Can´t I visit my best friend on earth without a motive?.Vinny you hurt me".
"Seriously"
"Well,I need a place to stay some days until those goddamn spiders leave my house".
"Can´t you stay at a hotel?" Vincent asked.
"Why to pay for a room,when I can stay with my best friend?" said Cid grinning.
"Alright.Come"
Cid entered the mansion,and while Vinny was at the kichen pouring himself a glass of milk,Cid turned on the TV to see if the Dukes were on.The song "Bad Boys" was heard,along with scenes of the Turks arresting people,getting drunk,beating some bums and again getting drunk;then the white letters TURKS apeared on the screen along with the announcer´s voice.
"TURKS it´s filmed on location,with the integrants of the Turks.All suspects are guilty.Period.Otherwise,they wouldn´t be suspects,would they?".
"What the &#$$&@/) it´s this?" Cid cursed
"It´s a new program.It shows how the Turks work." said Vincent,while holding in one hand a glass of milk and in the other a bottle of beer, which he gave to Cid.
"Now we have a little domestic dispute" Reno said on the TV "It seems the guy is having a big discussion with his mother and the neighbors are complaining"
The view goes inside the house,where Sephiroth´s voice can be heard.
"But mother,I want to see the Teletubbies."
"No,you can´t until you go out and kill all the people on the Planet, and after that you become a god!"
"But can´t you see I cannot be like you?.What I really want to do is become a videogames programmer or maybe a comics artist."
"Stop dreaming Sephy.If you don´t go and kill everybody in sight,I will ground you for a week."
"Now,what´s the problem here?." Reno asked.
"I hate her! that´s what´s happening here.She wants me to become a supervillain,but I don´t want to be one!." Sephiroth said.
"That´s how you pay all the years of sacrifice I´ve been trough?" Jenova said "I though you would made me proud by being the first supervillain to conquer a world,but now you stab me in the heart!!."
"Mother,I...(now noticing the camera).Hey!! I didn´t authorized that my face would be shown on TV.I want you to blur it!!."
"But,sir the program is in live and..." the cameraman didn´t finished because Sephiroth smashed the camera with his Masamune.
"That´s a pretty stupid show." Cid commented.
"Yes.Change it to see if there´s anything good in other channel."
"We regret to inform that,due to low audience,the Dukes of Hazzard will be canceled.We instead will air the new show "A Mog´s life"."
"WHAT?.It can´be!!!!.Those #/&$@$#/$% have cancelled the Dukes!!!.How could they???."Cid then smashed the TV with his spear.
"Well done Cid,now we can´t watch the TV." Vincent stated.
"Sorry,I got a little carried away.But when I think of what those "#$%/(&%$ did to the Dukes...AARRGGGHHHH!! I´m pissed."
"Well it´s a godd chance to read my old comics." Vincent suggested.
"Uh?.You read comics?.I didn´t know that aspect of you Vincent."
"What do you think it´s in the library in the basement?.When I came here, I brought with me all my comics to make sure I wouldn´t bore."
"And what´s your favorite? Batman?" Cid asked.
"Actually it´s Spawn."
"Why didn´t I thought of it?" Cid said out loud."You know Vince,I would love to stay here and read comics with you,but I gotta go to the TV station to see why they cancelled the Dukes."
"I will go with you.I need experience for my Diablos materia."
"It isn´t a summon in Final Fantasy 8?"
"When I worked as a stunt for the Diablos summon,Square give it to me as part of the pay." Vincent answered.
"But how are you going to come with me? I just have one chocobo,and the airship is under maintenance."
As an answer,Vincent just gave a little jump in the air,did the back flip thing he does when you find him,and landed. "I can fly" he said.
"Why didn´t you tell us?."
"Because it wasn´t neccesary."
"Then let´s get going."

At a secret lair,in ????(Hey,if I told you,it wouldn´t be a secret!!).
"Sir,I´m pleased to inform you,we have already took over the last TV station." a flunkie said.
"Good.Every program has the subliminal message on it?" a dark figure asked.
"Yes sir."
"Excellent!.Now we can proceed to phase two.MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Um,sir?" the flunkie asked "what´s phase two?"
"...HAHAHAA!!! Eh?,well I didn´t expect to complete phase one so soon, so I haven´t planned phase two."
"And what we will do then my lord?"
"Well,we just will make sure nobody goes against us,MWAHAHAHAAAHAAA!!!. And already I have a plan for that".

At the Junon TV station.
"I want to see who is in charge of this dump!" Cid said while banging his fist against the receptionist desk.
"I told you,if you don´t have an appointment,I can´t let you pass." the receptionist said.
"Well,then I must do something I sweared I would never do" Cid said as he kneeled down "PLEASE!!!PLEASE!!! let me see the manager of the TV station to know why they cancelled the Dukes of Hazzard.It´s my favorite program and I can´t live without it, I BEG YOU PLEASE!!!"
"Alright,alright,I let both of you pass,but just because you´re pathetic."
Cid smiled and quickly got up, and entered the manager´s office.The manager was busy playing minesweeper in his computer.
"Damn!.Another mine."Cid coughed and the manager turned to face them.
"Yes,what can I do for you?"
"I want to know why you cancelled the Dukes of Hazzard."Cid asked.
"Um,well,it was because it was a bad show."
"What the %/$#/)% are you saying?!!.The Dukes are the best show on the planet!!!."Cid yelled.
"I was a decision of my superiors."
"Then we shall talk with your superiors." Vincent said.
"I´m afraid it can´t be" the manager told them while pressing a button behind his desk.At the moment three security guards grabbed Cid and Vincent and throwed them on the street.
"What the $%@$&/$# happened?"Cid asked.
"I don´t know,this it´s very strange,indeed."
"I smell something foul on this or my name isn´t Cid Highwind."

At Midgar
Cloud was really happy.He had found in his mail a coupon that said:
"Atention!!.The first 300 heroes that present this coupon will receive a free special edition Furby!!!.Come to the abandoned warehouse district to get yours!!!."
Cloud inmediately went to exchange it because Tifa collected those things and would be very happy with him when he gave her a special edition one.As he walked trough the warehouse doors he saw Duran,Locke,Shadow,Mina,Frog,Kevin,Chrono,Angela,Purim,Cain,Magus,Lucca,the new guys Squall,Zell,Selphie,and many others he didn´t recognize.
"Hey,Cloud,over here!." Cloud turned to see who it was and saw Cait, Yuffie and Barret.
"Hi guys,you too came for your Furby?."
"Yup,that´s right."Yuffie said." I wouldn´t miss the chance to have a special edition one."
"I´m here cuz Marlene wants one of dem Furbies.But they look like gremlins I tell ya!."
"I hope it´s blue with a green mane." Cait said.
"No way cat!.It´s going to be gold with a silver mane." Yuffie said.
"Blue and green!!."
"Gold and Silver!!."
"Blue and green!!."
"Gold and Silver!!."
"Guys,let´s not fight about it,we´ll just see."
Yuffie just sticked her tongue out to Cait and then turned around.
In that same moment,a group of heavily armored soldiers entered the warehouse,with enough firepower to take a small country.
"Freeze!!!.Don´t move!!." shouted a soldier "if one of you does something else than breath,you´re toast!."
"Are you here to give us the Furbies?." Cait asked.
"In your dreams cat.Now go to that tube over there."
One by one,they were throwed through a tube.When Cloud got out he could see the burning sun over what seemed a prisoners camp.
"Where da heck are we?" Barret asked.
"You are at the Solomon´s Islands prisoner camp." Said a guard. "Now star smashing those rocks or there is no dinner!!!."

"Well Vinny,our other 7 plans to get in didn´t worked..."
"And also alerted the guards."
"Yes.So we are taking a different aproach now.You will carry me in."
"What?"
"You just carry me and fly to the top of the building,then we will talk with the manager and convince him to give the Dukes another chance."
"But why I must carry you?" Vincent complained.
"Because the Highwind isn´t available to leave us in the roof."
"Fine.But you owe me one."
The plan suceeded,and in less time that it take to Cid say "Snuffallufagus",they were in the manager´s office.Inside was a chair turned to the window.
"Now you $$%&#/@@ are going to listen to me."
"Cid."
"Wait Vinny!.I want to know why you cancelled the Dukes of Hazzard!!."
"Cid."
"Wait dammit!.The Dukes are the best show and..."
In that moment Vincent turned the chair and they saw it was empty.
"What the %/$%/(@&%/!!!.Vincent,why didn´t you told me?."
"Sigh.Let´s see if there´s any clue around here."
Cid then taked a notebook from the desk and started rubbing a pencil on it.
"What are you doing?."
"I saw this once in a movie.Dammit!!!.I thought I could see the message clearly but I don´t understand it."
"Talk with the boss at 5 pm.345-26-43." Vincent said.
"Wow! how could you read it?."
"Because the original was in the paper bin."
"Let´s call Reeve and see if he can tell us anything."
Cid dialed the number of Reeve in a nearby phone and asked him about the number.It was a building in Midgar.Reeve asked him if he knew anything about Cloud and the others.
"No.But don´t worry,as soon as the Dukes are on air again,we´ll search for them."
Cid hanged the phone.
"Well Vinny,to Midgar!!!."

"Sir,it seems we have a situation here." Said the flunkie.
"What´s the situation?."
"It seems we failed to catch a couple of heroes.They are..." reviewing a file "Cid Highwind and Vincent Valentine."
"I thought this Cid was a dumb guy,and Valentine never cared about anything that weren´t Hojo,Lucrecia or his comic books."The boss said.
"Maybe they discovered the trap.Intelligence says they are coming this way."
"How could they see through my plan?,it was so perfectly done."
"Perhaps our reports about them are not as complete as we thought."
"Then we must prepare to give them an appropiate welcome.MWAHAHAHAHA!!!."

At Midgar´s sector 3.
"HHMMMM!!!.THIS is a good food!!!." Cid said while biting an hamburger.
"Cid come on!!!.We must see who is behind the heroes dissapearance."
"And the Dukes cancellation."
"And the Dukes cancellation.Why don´t you just ordered an hamburger at McShinra?."
"Because those hamburgers taste like crap,that´s why.Every time I come to Midgar I come here." Said Cid while pointing at the sign "Juan´s hamburguers."
"But haven´t ever you think where they get the meat?."
"Why don´t you ask?."
"Fine.Hey Juan!!! what´s the hamburguers meat?." asked Vincent while thinking maybe he shouldn´t had asked.
"Es de perro." Juan said (translation:dog!!)
"What did he said?." Cid said.
"Hum,he says it´s a family secret."
"Well maybe I should just order one more and then go that building Reeve said.Hey Juan!!!,one more and three to take."

A while later in front of a misterious building.
"How are we going to get in?." Vincent said.
"You are the secret agent.Weren´t you assigned to a mission like this?."
"Well,I was assigned to only two missions and only the first one had to be with infiltration.I was assigned to go into a the fortress of Outer Heaven with another rookie,David,who kept telling me to call him by his code name "Solid Snake".And I was "Hudson Hawk".It was insane because..."
"You will tell me later the history of your life Vince.Now the guards went to buy some candy so let´s move."
Inside they were faced with their bigger threat ever.Forget Sephiroth. Forget Emerald and Ruby Weapon.Forget the ESRB.The only thing the building had inside were stairs.Vincent had heard from Cloud how they got into the Shinra building.How Barret waked in the nights crying "Da stairs,da stairs." He was glad he hadn´t been there but now...
And Cid was so impressed by the stairs he just stared with his mouth open.They searched for an elevator but didn´t find one.So they went up the stairs.Cid began to count "One,Two.Three,Four..."

A hour later.
Cid was about to faint.But he had to do it.Not just for him but for every fan of the Dukes out there.But he had no strenght left.
"Cid come on,it´s only the twentieth step." Vincent complained.
"Save yourself Vinny.Huff,pant...Save yourself and take care of my baby."
"Shera."
"No dammit!!.The Highwind."
"Come on Cid we will never get there in this century at this rate."
"Why don´t you carry me?."
"Again?" Vincent complained.
"Please.If I die here it will be because of you."
"Fine." Vincent grabbed Cid by the arms and flied to the top.There was a huge metal door.
"How we will get in?."Cid asked.
"Wait." Vincent began to search on the top of the door and found the key.
"People always left an extra key in there."
"Clever" Cid said."Now open the door."
The door opened and they saw a huge room,with a huge desk in the middle and a figure in a black chair,spinning and laughing.Then he noticed Cid and Vincent.
"What are YOU doing here?."
"Very clever.I never thought it was you who was behind this." Vincent said.
"Who is he?." Cid asked.
"It´s ..." then Vincent took a script out of his cape and readed.
"It´s Barney the dinosaur!!!!."
"Huh?." Cid and the dark figure were confused.Vincent noticed the strange glares and rectified.
"I mean...Bill Gates."
"Aaah?." Cid and the figure looked puzzled.
"Sorry...The mastermind behind this is Leonardo DiCaprio!!!."
"Uhh?." Cid glared at the figure and said "Yeah,now I recognize the @#$"%."
"Who are you calling an @#$"%,you old man?." DiCaprio then got up and tried to touch a button.Vincent grabbed him by the neck and slammed him against the wall.
"OK you #%/$%#@ what were you planning?." Cid said while holding his spear next to DiCaprio´s neck.
"OK,OK,OK.I was planning to use idiotic programs to brainwash people and made them adore me as a god."
"Haven´t you done that in your movies already?." Vincent asked.
"Yes but it only worked for women of 12-22 years old.I tried to do the same to men in Titanic in the nude scene but it didn´t worked.So I improved it and installed in stupid TV programs to make it effective."
Cid and Vincent saw each other and then started to laugh.
"That´s the most idiotic plan I have ever heared in my life!!!!.HAHAHA HAHAHAHA!!!!." Cid laughed.
"Yes.It sounds like Dr. Evil made that one.HARHARHAR!!!." Vincent said while trying not to fall.
"But,but..."
"Now go out of here before we mop the floor with you.HAHAAAHAHA!!!."
DiCaprio got up and cried while running to the exit. When he was gone,Cid and Vincent stopped laughing and saw each other.
"Damn!!.That was a good plan,I tell you."
"Yes.Good thing he doesn´t has autoestime."
"Well Vinny,let´s make sure the Dukes are transmitted again."

A couple days later in Rocket Town.
Cid now was happy.DiCaprio´s evil plan was twharted,his house was free of spiders,and he could see the Dukes.Then Shera appeared with the phone in one hand.
"Cid it´s for you."
"%/$@&)$,I´m watching the Dukes."
"It´s Cloud."
"Uh oh,I knew we forgot something.Give it to me.Hello Cloud,where are you?."
"Cid you got to help us!!!.We are in a prisoners camp in Solomons Islands.Yes that´s in the Earth.It´s a long story.Look come here and take us out of here!!!."
"Alright Strife,time´s up." a voice was heard in the background.
"HHHHEEELLLPP!!!." then a click was heard.
"Cloud?,Cloud?."
"What did he wanted?." Shera asked.
"I gotta go Shera.I got to save Cloud and the others." Cid said while dialing Vincent´s number."Vince?.It´s me Cid.Meet me here in twenty minutes.We are going on a mission."
"To where?."
"To that dump know as Earth."

Thanks to all of you for reading the fanfic.If you have any comments send them to Kal