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The Gathering
We held Heloise's funeral at The Chapel by the Sea, a beautiful little windswept structure overlooking the headlands of Botany Bay. A striking, sizeable stained glass window faces the sea - it's horizon running directly through at eye level, making one feel calm, centered. It's clever because sometimes the sea in it's entirety can be too stirring, too big, too much. But to see a portion through one large window in a darkened room gives it some managable boundaries. It's settling. Outside the Chapel can seem a bit chaotic with the wind coming over the cliffs, or clouds rolling past and the tide smashing on the rocks; but inside is very peaceful, quiet. The distant pull of the tide the most dominant accompaniment inside it's cool walls.
It was a small, intimate group of about 30 friends that joined us for the afternoon service. We gathered around Heloise's white coffin in a semi-circle, her coffin adorned with Australian native flowers. We began with a naming ceremony. Each of us poured water from a ceramic carafe over her coffin as we named her Heloise Quince, our mothers participating too. The water was so lively, it bounced around and spashed all over, surprising me. I hadn't realized this action would feel so uncontrolled. It matched the turbulence inside my entire body yet at the same time, it seemed quite playful, melting the edge of something hard inside of me.
Our good friend Mark gave the Eulogy, followed by selections from scripture, read outloud by our good friend Mardi. We then played a song by The Smiths - Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want. I remember recording this song onto tape years ago and thinking it was so powerful that I had to record it twice. Kieron chose it specifically, remembering too the first time he heard it. How could we have ever known that more than 12 years later it would mean so much more.
After a quiet meditation where we all sat in silence with the sea, we asked everyone to join us outside for our final farewell. When Kieron went to lift Heloise's coffin, the water from our baptism splashed and splattered all over him. Once again, the water took on a life of it's own, surprising us, keeping us in the moment. Kieron then carried Heloise's coffin out of the chapel and down to the headland. She seemed so small in his arms. We interrupted a few golfers who were passing by, forcing them to wait and watch. I hoped that by being witnesses to our pain they could see how important Heloise is to us, something I wish everyone could know.
I passed around balloons, 10 white and 5 red hearts representing our children. Father John played the digereedoo, that haunting instrument of aboriginal australians and as the music resounded all around, we released the balloons. They took off and were gone!...........so fast! I felt my body lurch, wanting to follow - it was very painful to watch them, feeling left behind. We watched them until they were tiny dots in the sky, until they were gone from sight. Right before they disappeared forever, a small group of balloons separated from the group, configured together in their atmospheric dance.........We often wonder where they are now.
After the balloons were gone there were many tears and much lingering. It was very hard to make our move towards the cars that would eventually carry us to the crematorium. But finally, as friends drifted back up the hill we followed, carrying Heloise for the last time ever. Her coffin easily slid into the back seat of the car, giving me the odd thought, "I wonder if other people have coffins in the back seat of their car?", which led me to other thoughts about everything that we hide from each other in the effort to "spare pain". Except none of the approved tactics, like silence or changing the subject or tsk, tsk, tsking pats on the arm actually spare pain. It's all a silly myth.
As we climbed into the car, a dog came out of nowhere and pushed his nose into my hand, begging a pat. We sat for a moment, sharing time. I hoped that Heloise was watching. I hoped, for the sake of hoping, because hope is the only remaining thing.
Above: Father John playing the digereedoo for Heloise.
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