Jarrod was immersed in paperwork by the time Nick entered the library a half hour later. He threw down his pen in irritation as his brother went over, poured a large whiskey and went to stand at the French doors, staring out at something only he could see.

"It's about time you showed up, where have you been? You said you'd only be a few minutes."

He watched the rigid back and waited for an answer. When none was forthcoming, he sat back with a sigh. "All right then, can you tell me why you and Heath were home all day? I was under the impression you two had the whole north pasture fence to repair."

Still no answer from the dark, brooding presence looking outside. Jarrod slapped his hands on the arms of the leather chair and his voice took on his lawyer's questioning tone. "I want to know what's going on here Nick, now you had better start talking to me."

He was surprised when his brother finally spoke. He had expected the usual loud voice that the big man considered normal, but instead, he had to strain to hear the quiet, almost tired answer as Nick didn't turn around.

"Heath wants to go up to the lodge for a few days, just the three of us."

Jarrod stood up and came around to lean on the front of his desk. "Mother hasn't said anything about opening it this year Nick, but I'll certainly ask her about it. It's still too wet to get a wagon up there right now, but maybe in a couple of weeks..."

"I want to leave in a couple of days Jarrod. We can take our horses, there's enough supplies up there to last us for a few days anyways."

He shook his head, "why do you have to go now? Why can't you wait until we can get proper supplies up there?"

The deep voice held an angry edge, "if ya can't rough it for a few days councilor, then stay home. Heath and I'll go up alone."

"Now you just hold on a second here Nick." He walked up behind his brother, "why are you in such a hurry to leave? And while I'm at it, I'll ask you again, why were you two home today if you have so much work to do?"

He grabbed Nick's arm when he didn't answer and turned him around to face him as he tilted his head to try and catch the downcast eyes. "I asked you a question Nick, now I want an answer."

The dark head lifted and Jarrod caught his breath. 'So', he thought, 'that's why he kept me waiting'. The red rimmed eyes and clenched jaw told him all he needed to know.

"How many Nick, and don't lie to me."

Nick took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "three."

His shoulder's slumped and he went over, sank into a chair and put his hand over his eyes as he rubbed his forehead. "Yesterday was bad."

Jarrod came over to stand in front of him and hooked his thumbs in his vest pockets. "Why haven't you said anything to Mother or me Nick?"

Nick pushed himself out of the chair and paced around the room as he waved his hand at him, "what good would it do Jarrod?"

The eldest Barkley sat on the arm of the chair his brother had vacated and spread his hands, "you don't need to take this all on yourself Nick, we can help."

He stopped pacing and shook his head with a weary sigh, "there's nothing anyone can do Jarrod, not you, not Mother, not Doc Merar ... no one."

Jarrod tried to reason with him calmly. "it would have taken some of the burden off of you if we had known."

The dark brows lowered and Nick crossed his arms and sat on the edge of the pool table. "So you think if we spread the hurt and pain around a little more it'll make it easier to take. Is that what you think Jarrod?"

Jarrod opened his mouth to answer and Nick cut him off with a wave of his hand and got up to start pacing the room again in agitation.

"Well let me tell you something Jarrod, it won't make it easier. It would be just that much harder. Heath has more than he can handle already without having to worry about the rest of the family being upset all the time. He asked me not to say anything, especially to Mother, and I agreed. He doesn't want everyone watching him and worrying and neither do I, it's enough that we worry about each other. He's scared Jarrod, we both are, and we can't deal with anything else right now, can't ya understand that?"

Jarrod watched the distraught man as he stopped in front of the windows and looked out again. "I do understand Nick, believe me I do, but he's my brother too and I care about him just as much as you do."

Nick spun around and lashed out, "IT'S NOT THE SAME JARROD!! YOU DON'T KNOW HIM THE WAY I DO, YOU COULDN'T. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BY HIS SIDE ALMOST EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS. HE'S NOT YOUR PARTNER OR YOUR BEST FRIEND! HE'S MINE!"

Jarrod spread his hands and nodded, "I know that Nick and I DO understand how you feel."

"YOU DON'T..."

His chest was heaving and his voice became rough, his hazel eyes glistening with unshed tears. He looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath to calm down before going over to sit on the edge of the desk.

"You don't understand how I feel Jarrod." His gaze was intense as he tried to explain, "I waited all my life for a little brother, a brother who would be my friend and stay by my side through the good and the bad. A man who would love this ranch and the work just as much as I do. When Heath came, it was as if all my wishes had come true. He's everything I could ever have wanted or needed in a brother and more."

He shook his head, "you'll always have your younger brother but I'm losing mine and it ... it hurts Jarrod. It hurts so much ..."

Jarrod swallowed the lump in his throat as he watched his brother struggling to keep it together. He got up, went over and laid his hand on the tense shoulder. "Nick, listen to me..."

Nick shrugged off the comforting hand. "No Jarrod, all the talking in the world won't change things. I held my brother in my arms yesterday not knowing if it was going to be for the last time and it almost tore me apart. I won't put Mother through that kind of pain, she doesn't need it and Heath and I don't want it."

"Nick, we have the right to know."

"No Jarrod. What good would it do to have the whole family hurting all the time? All it'd do is make Heath feel guilty and I won't have that."

The rustle of silk had both men straightening up and turning towards the door where Victoria stood with her hands clasped tightly in front of her. Her pale face and the handkerchief she was holding told them she had heard a good part of the conversation.

"Jarrod, would you leave us please." The tone told him it was not a request. "I would like to speak to your brother in private."

"Mother ..." His protest died on his lips when he caught the look in her eyes. "All right Mother, I'll be in the living room if you want to talk later."

She nodded as he went out and shut the door quietly behind him. Nick had gotten up and gone to stand in front of the fireplace and she watched him as he raked a shaking hand through his hair then put his hands on his hips and stared at the flickering flames in the hearth.

He took an unsteady breath and his deep voice came out rough. "I'm sorry Mother."

He heard her cross the room and braced for the anger he knew she was feeling, he had kept things from her, whether right or wrong and deserved her anger.

She came up behind him and touched his arm gently. "Nicholas Jonathon Barkley." She never used his full name unless he was in trouble and he took a deep breath and let it out slowly before he turned and looked down into her tear filled eyes. She put a hand up to caress his cheek. "Have I told you lately how very much I love you son?"

"Mother?"

"It's all right Nick. I understand why you and Heath didn't tell us and I love you both for trying to spare us this pain. You're a good man Nick and I've always been proud of you, of both of you - don't ever forget that."

He shook his head as he tried to explain. "It's just..."

She hugged him and laid her head on his chest, "I know how hard this is for you, for both of you, so you and Heath do what you think is best and we'll accept it."

He dropped a kiss on her hair and said, "thank you for understanding Mother."

She lifted her head and looked up at him with a smile. "I'm a mother, it's my job to understand my children and their needs." She dropped her arms and went to the door before turning back, "is your brother sleeping?"

He nodded, "I should go wake him up now, he gets cranky if he sleeps too long during the day."

"I'll go Nick, I need to have a little Mother and son talk with that young man and you need to start getting ready to go up to the lodge."

He gave her a worried look, "we won't go if you don't want us to Mother."

Her smile held a hint of sadness, "you go Nick, I think you three need the time alone together to talk and just be brothers."

He came over to where she stood at the door, "but what if..."

Her small hand rubbed his arm gently, "it's all right Nick, my son has already said goodbye to me and to Audra too. He needs to be with his brother's now and if ..."

Victoria squeezed his arm and tried to hold back the tears as her voice caught, "and if something happens, I'll know he couldn't be with anyone who loves him more than you do. You go Nick, enjoy this time you have together and remember it, because believe me, it'll help you later on. The happy memories are what got me through when your father died, they will help you too."

He felt a gentle hand stroking through his hair and smiled before opening his eyes. He knew it wasn't Nick, his brother always banged open his door and, if the sound of spurs crossing the room didn't wake him, the loud voice next to his bed telling him it was time to get up did. He rolled onto his back and his smile vanished as he looked into his mother's eyes. She knew, he didn't know how, but she knew.

"How are you feeling Heath?" She rubbed his arm lightly and he dropped his eyes. He couldn't look at her and lie.

"I'm fine Mother."

"Heath Barkley," she put her fingers under his chin and forced him to look at her. "We both know you're not 'fine', don't we?"

"How did you..."

"I'm your mother Heath, I know when you're not feeling well, and you haven't been for the last couple of weeks have you?"

He picked up her hand and tried to reassure her, "we didn't want to worry you Mother. It's bad enough that Nick has to be put through this, I don't want everyone else to be upset because of me."

Her grey eyes flashed with anger and she pointed a warning finger at him. "Heath Barkley, you listen to me and you listen good. You are a member of this family, we love you and care about you and I will not have you feeling guilty about something you have no control over. Do you understand me?"

He nodded contritely. "Yes Mother." He enfolded her hand in his and rubbed his thumb over the back of it as she sat back and gave his hand a squeeze. She studied his handsome face and suddenly her anger was gone and tears filled her eyes. She tried to smile, she had vowed to herself that she would be strong and not upset him by having him see her cry. Her voice held a tremor as the words she wanted - needed to say came out softly.

"I love you Heath, you're my son and I just can't bear to lose..."

A tear rolled down her cheek and splashed onto their entwined hands and she tried to stand up, 'I will not let him see me cry', but he wouldn't let her go. He put his arms around her and she laid her head on his chest, the tears she had tried so hard to hold back coming silently as he rubbed her back and comforted her.

Nick and Heath took the wagon into town the next day to pick up supplies for the ranch before they left for the lodge in the morning. Jarrod would be at his office all day, clearing up paperwork and rescheduling appointments and would meet them for lunch at The Cattleman's. They stopped in at the feed store and placed an order, then made their way to the post office to pick up the mail. They were striding along the sidewalk heading for Wilson's Mercantile when Nick grabbed Heath's arm and jerked him to a stop

"Well looky here, if it isn't Madeline's Fashion Shop. Would ya care to go in and have a little look around Heath?"

"No thanks Nick, but if you wanta' take a peek, you go right ahead." He crossed his arms and nodded, "I'll just wait right here for ya."

Nick had just opened his mouth to answer when the little bell above the door tinkled and a woman came out with a broom to sweep the step. She stared at the two men for a moment ... she would never forget them. They were those rough, uncouth sons of Victoria Barkley and they looked like they were thinking of invading her shop once again! She gave them a dirty look then bustled inside, shot the bolt on the door, flipped the closed sign around and quite firmly pulled down the shade.

Nick scowled at the door and Heath grinned at him and made an observation, "guess ya didn't leave her with a very good impression Nick."

The black gloved hand waved at the window where the woman peered out at them waiting for them to leave. "What did I do? I was a perfect gentleman the whole time we were in there Heath. That woman was just embarrassed to have two men in her frilly little shop is all."

"If you say so Nick." Heath turned and started to walk away, "c'mon, let's get what we need at Wilson's and then ya can buy me a beer at Annie's before we meet Jarrod for lunch."

A dark scowl crossed the rugged face as Nick planted his fists on his hips and raised his voice. "I'M NOT BUYIN' THIS TIME HEATH ... YA HEAR ME??"

The woman was making shooing motions at him from the window and he threw her a final glare before hurrying to catch up with his brother. They gave Mr. Wilson their list, then made their way to the saloon for a drink while they waited for the stoorkeeper to get their order together. They were just about to push open the swinging doors when a voice hailed them from across the street.

"Nick, Heath."

They turned to see Doctor Merar getting out of his buggy and stopped to wait for him as hecame over and shook their hands. "I haven't seen you boy's for a while, how are you feeling Heath?"

"I'm fine doc."

Nick was standing behind him and gave the doctor a quick negative shake of the head. The family didn't notice because they saw him every day, but Howard could see the slight weight loss and tired look around the young man's eyes.

"I'd like to see you today if you can spare the time Heath." He wanted a better idea of where things stood and he knew this patient wouldn't come to him voluntarily.

The blond gave him a lop sided grin and patted him on the arm, "no need Doc. Besides, me, Nick and Jarrod are heading up to the lodge for a few days."

Howard nodded and said, "all right Heath, but I want to see you when you get back." He shook both men's hands again and was surprised when Heath held his grip a little longer.

"Goodbye Doc, and thanks."

Howard looked into the expressive eyes watching him closely and reached out to squeeze the denim clad arm. "Goodbye Heath."

He nodded at Nick and crossed the street to his buggy where he sat for a few minutes after watching the two push open the saloon doors and disappear inside. He heaved a weary sigh and drove home with a heavy heart.

"Coupla' beers Harry."

"Right Nick."

Harry set the frothy beers on the scarred oak bar and looked back and forth between the two brother's to see who would be paying. Heath picked up his mug and inspected the deep amber color of the brew before quaffing down half of it, then turning to face the room, elbows leaning on the bar behind him. He nodded to a few acquaintances playing poker at a table across the room and winked at Meg when she ran her eyes over him coyly as she picked up her drink order. He pointedly ignored the frowning eyes staring at his profile, waiting for him to pay.

They played this game nearly every time, and Nick was more often than not, the loser. Well, not this time. He settled in for the long haul. He wasn't paying this time, no how, no way. His eyes narrowed in thought as he perused the tanned cheek beside him looking for a twitch ... anything. 'Well little brother, they don't come any more stubborn than Nick Barkley and I intend to stare at ya until ya crumble and hand over that two bits.'

As usual, his plan was faulty. While he was staring at Heath, Harry seeing no sense looking at the back of the tan Stetson, was now staring at him. Heath started whistling nonchalantly as he ignored the man beside him. Nick's mouth thinned into a hard line and he tried not to blink as Harry leaned closer to him and raised his eyebrows. It was too much pressure and Nick slapped his hand on the top of the bar and gave an inarticulate grumble as he jerked a coin out of his vest pocket and tossed it to the barkeeper.

He threw the grinning blond man beside him a dirty look and drained his beer. "One of these days I'm gonna beat ya Heath and you'll have to shake loose some of that coin ya got in there." He flicked his fingers at the rattlesnake tail attached to the coin pouch his brother always carried in his pocket.

Harry whipped a towel off his shoulder and started wiping down the already clean bar. "I don't know why ya keep trying to best him Nick. There' ain't a better poker player in these parts. I'd think by now ya'd know there ain't nobody can stare him down."

The black gloved hand waved him away, "it's your fault Harry, ya threw my concentration off. I woulda' had him in another five seconds."

"Uh huh." The portly barkeeper walked away shaking his head as Nick pushed his empty glass across the bar and picked up his hat.

"You about ready Heath?"

Heath turned back to the bar and picked up his glass, "you go ahead Nick, I'll just finish this and meet ya at Wilson's. I wanta' talk to Harry for a bit."

"All right, but don't be long. We gotta meet Jarrod in an hour."

"I'll be there."

Heath waited till the jangle of spurs faded into silence before reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out a wad of bills. He called Harry over and laid the cash on the bar.

"Nick doesn't pay for another drink until that's gone ok?"

Harry picked up the cash and counted it. He looked at Heath in amazement. "There's a hundred dollars here Heath."

"I know Harry. I figure after five years of ol' Nick buyin' most of the time, it's about time I paid for him."

The bartender could read the sober blue eyes looking at him and he knew what his friend was saying without words. He also knew Heath wouldn't want to dwell on it, so he just nodded and put the money in the cash box.

The Irish brogue came out as Harry leaned on the bar and smiled, "why didn't ya buy for himself today then lad?"

Heath gave him a grin and shrugged, "I guess I just wanted to get to him one more time."

Harry laughed and slapped him on the arm, "I still remember the first time ya did it to him. You two came in here one day just after you came to live here."

"Yeah, I remember that. He hated the sight of me, wanted nothin' more than for me to ride out and never darken his doorstep again. Mother had made him go with me to see Doc Merar after I cut my hand on some barbed wire. He wouldn't even tell Doc who I was. You should of seen the look on his face when I introduced myself as Heath Barkley. Thought he was gonna shoot me right on the spot."

"Yep, then you two came in here and ordered beers. Nick just ignored ya like ya wasn't even standin' beside him."

Harry slapped his hands on the bar and laughed, "I asked who was paying and you gave him that innocent look and told him that your money was in your right pants pocket and with your right hand all bandaged up like it was you couldn't get it out. That was the first time he ended up paying."

Heath joined in the laughter, "I can still see him lookin' at me like he wanted nothin' more than to beat on me again. We still had bruises from the first time we had gotten into it and I reckon that was a step backwards in our relationship that day."

Harry let out a sigh, "aye, it took awhile Heath, but things sure did change. I think it was maybe a month later that someone bad mouthed ya in here and Nick busted him up good. He still insisted he didn't like ya, but no one was allowed to talk bad about ya."

The work roughened hand cradled the beer glass, "I've heard he stood up for me a lot back then, it couldn't of been easy for him. I didn't know it then, but the day I met Nick Barkley, was the day I found my best friend. I couldn't have wished for a better man to be my brother."

Harry nodded in agreement, "that ya couldn't lad."

Heath drained his glass and shook Harry's hand, "I gotta' get goin', goodbye Harry."

"Good bye Heath."

Nick was helping Mr. Wilson load up the supplies when Sheriff Madden walked up to him and shook his hand in greeting.

"Hey Nick, Heath not with ya today?"

"He's over at Annie's havin' a beer." He tossed a bag of flour onto the pile in the back of the wagon and went back inside to settle up the bill. Fred followed him and leaned on the counter as Mr. Wilson pushed the receipt across to be signed.

"How's he doin'?"

The black hat dipped to hide his expression as Nick shrugged and signed the book. "Not so good Fred."

The big man sighed and shook his head, "I'm sorry to hear that Nick. Heath's always been a good friend." He didn't bother to say more, he knew how hard it was for Nick to talk about, so he changed the subject and asked casually, "you ever see Billy Watkin's around town?"

Nick turned to him and frowned, "no, we haven't seen him since he left the ranch awhile back. Why?"

"Just wonderin' if he's been back to see his pa or anything. I was over Hagersville way a couple of weeks ago and stopped in to see Sheriff Forrest. He says he run Billy outa' town last month. The boy's been stealing from shopkeepers and getting into fights and such like. Rick told me he put Billy on his horse and told him if he ever shows up there again, he'll arrest him."

The dark eyes narrowed, "you think Billy might come back here Fred? Me and Heath would like to talk to him if he shows up."

"I'll keep a lookout Nick, but I don't think he'll be back. Told Forrest he was goin' to be headin' down Mexico way." Fred straightened up and pulled his hat down firmly, "I'll tell ya now, if he comes around here causing trouble, I'll be running him outa town too."

Nick leaned his arms on the countertop and his thoughts went to a fair haired boy with light green eyes. He remembered the happiness in those eyes the day the three had gone fishing, Billy sitting beside Heath and admiring the fishing pole Heath had given him.

Mr. Wilson handed him his copy of the receipt and added his opinion to the conversation. "I told Heath when he first took him on, that that Watkin's boy was a bad apple. Always stealing off me and the other shop owners, breaking windows. Nothing but trouble that kid."

Nick didn't answer as he pushed away from the counter and headed for the door. The shopkeeper called after him, "that boy never cared about anything or anyone in his life."

Nick stopped at the door when he saw Heath across the street, talking to old Mrs. Randall and laughing at something she said before he bent down to her tiny stooped frame and planted a kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Nick smiled to himself as the old lady giggled like a school girl and swatted his brother's arm in a, 'get on with you now, young man' gesture.

Just before he went out the door he looked over his shoulder at the glowering storeclerk and said quietly, "that's where you're wrong Wilson, that boy did care about something ... someone ... once."

They met Jarrod for a leisurely lunch, then headed for home. The miles fell behind them and Heath kept the horses at a slow trot while he enjoyed the warm sunshine. He was lost in his own thoughts when Nick nudged his arm.

"Hey Heath, I forgot to tell ya, I was talkin' to Fred while you were at Annie's."

"What about?"

Nick kept his eyes trained straight ahead, he knew he couldn't look into those eyes and lie. "He says he just come back from Hagersville and heard tell that Billy was there for awhile."

Heath's fingers clutched the lines tightly and he turned to look at him and asked eagerly, "where is he now, does he know if he's all right?"

Nick put his hand on his brothers shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Fred says he heard Billy got hired on by a big ranch down Texas way. They were in town for a cattle auction and were lookin' for ranch hands too."

Heath voice held a worried tone, "do ya think they'll keep him on? He's so young."

The black gloved hand patted his back, "'course they will. Wasn't he trained by the best cowboy in these parts?"

"I don't know about that Nick, but I'm glad he's doin' all right . I've been real worried about him."

"I know Heath, but he's fine and he'll do well there, don't worry."

"You're right Nick, thanks for tellin' me."

The blue eyes were twinkling with pleasure and, as Nick finally looked into those eyes and saw the relief and happiness expressed there, he could never find it in himself to regret the lie.

....Continued