The next days passed in quiet coexistence. Heath had been home almost a week on the day he packed his saddlebags with the things he would need. There wasn’t much. He took a change of clothes, his razor and comb. He took a book he hadn’t finished reading yet. He picked up the picture of his Mother, gazed at her image with all the love he could muster. She had denied him the father that would have saved him from Bentell. She had betrayed him as well. He kissed her and set the picture down. On his way out he glanced at the family portrait taken a few months ago. It seemed a lifetime. He looked out of place in it. Each face felt empty. He straightened up, took a deep breath and prepared to meet those same faces downstairs. He left his room and saw indeed that all the Barkleys were gathered and scattered about the foyer and parlor. Nick had the front door blocked with a wide-open stance, bold, threatening and yet vulnerable.

Victoria was the one to approach as soon as he reached the bottom step. “Please let us talk about this.” Victoria was so small and for the first time Heath saw her as fragile. It was an unwanted vision.

It reminded him of her death. “Nothin’ to talk about.” It was the only time that he realized his mother was breakable, mortal. Even as she lay dying he expected her to live, tell him about the bible, God, read to him, teach him something, ease his heart, but when he returned with the good book she was dead. Only for that brief moment did he remember how delicate life and love were. He denied it right away. He closed his heart again and kept it that way. He didn’t remember exactly when he allowed it back in his life. But it had been a mistake. He did not want to see Victoria that way and turned his face to the others. Each in their own way was still fighting to live, believing in love, only Heath realized that it was in vain. Death was the only way to love and to peace. The only way to end the pain of oppression and emptiness.

“Heath,” Victoria tried.

“I did something I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life. I tried to be something I’m not. We all know it; I didn’t pass the test. Even the fact that I tried cost two men their lives. They survived Carterson only ta have me and all of you kill them. I had the chance to kill Bentell and instead I killed two brothers who deserved, earned the right to live. They were my brothers in ways you will never understand and I betrayed them for the name of a man I never met.”

“We want to understand.”

“Mother,” Heath was still not healed and couldn’t handle a fruitless discussion. “You can’t. You weren’t there and nothing I say is going to matter. You just can’t know and I am so tired of runnin’.

“Then don’t sweetheart. Stay here. Help us understand.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry. I just can’t go back there again. Not even for you.” Heath wished it had been different. “I haven’t been here a year. I told you what happened you saw the nightmares I live with. I tried to tell it plain but you couldn’t see. You didn’t try hard enough.” Victoria cried at the blame he put on her. “How could you miss the truth of that place? How could you tell me to protect that man, to die in his place? I ain’t fightin' my way in anymore. I’m leavin and glad of it. Don’t try and stop me. There ain’t any reason to. We all know where we stand now.” Heath was pale and lightheaded. His accusations had cost a good deal of energy and causing his Mother pain, cost him as well.

“Heath, sweetheart, please stay. I promise you I will never decide for you, what is best.” Victoria still cried, pleading with her newest son to stay.

“You’re doing it now.” Heath said softly. He didn’t want to hurt her. He told himself he just wanted the nightmare to end. He wanted peace of mind. He wanted an absolute end to it. He didn’t want to take any more chances. There was no one he could trust, not even himself.

“Sweetheart, I love you.” Victoria approached him slowly, smiling through her tears not wanting him to run.

“NO YOU DON’T.” Heath was loud and adamant with his response. “How can you say that? You don’t even know me and I know you don’t want to. I survived. For what?”

“Please stay, we can work through this.” She wanted to hold him. Make him feel her love. He needed it so badly.

“NO, that’s what you say now. What happens if you invite Bentell for dinner? Please, just let me go. Forget about me. I can’t take that chance. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do What?” Nick growled.

Heath spun around. “I won’t be fooled Nick. My Mama fooled me, made me believe I was something good, something special. But I’m not. I can’t escape who I became in that hell hole just by takin’ another name. I can’t stop blaming Bentell and I can’t stop hating him.”

Heath closed his eyes but not before Nick saw and remembered the look that Heath showed him again. Nick’s blood ran cold, turned to ice. One touch and he would shatter.

“I will always love you sweetheart, I made a mistake; I couldn’t stand it if you left.” Victoria slowly approached him and as clear as his desire to run marked his face he stayed still. Victoria embraced him and he lowered his head to receive a kiss. “I am so sorry. I will never forget about your past or consider it less than it was. I am so sorry, please forgive me. I will never be able to forgive myself if you leave.”

Heath couldn’t say anything. As much as he wished it was true, he didn’t believe it. He stepped out of her embrace and turned back to the door and Nick.

“Heath, I,” Nick started. He couldn’t let Heath do it. Could he? Should he? Nick’s mind was racing. How could he stop him, with force? Heath would never give in to that again. With love? Heath would never give in to that either, would he?

“I said, I don’t want to hear it Nick, now stand aside or are you still going to tell me what I have to do? You still gonna hold the strings, or are you going to let me live the way I want, be the man I want to be.” Heath stood at the door in front of Nick whose heart pounded then was broken by the cold hollow stare. Nick saw Heath sway and jerk upright. Nick squinted his eyes searching for something, searching for his brother. Heath took a deep breath. “Let me go Nick.”

Those words stung and Nick let him pass. Nick watched as Heath made his way unsteadily to the barn. He turned back to his family as if to speak but shook his head and held up his hand asking for some time alone with Heath.

When Heath was inside the barn Nick began his trek to join his brother. He entered through the large doors that Ciego opened early on clear days. “I know what you aim ta do boy and I can’t let you do it.”

Heath’s blood rose and his face became red. “You telling me what I can and can’t do is old news Nick.” Heath had Charger out of his stall and a blanket tossed across his back. He gripped his saddle with strength he didn’t have. He tossed it across the blanket. That move cost him dearly. The barn began to spin. And he hung on to Charger’s mane waiting for it to slow down.

“You can’t run away from this Heath.”

“I ain’t runnin’ anymore Nick. Thought you knew that.”

Nick grabbed his brother by the back of his shirt and spun him around. Heath was dizzy again with that move and let Nick hold him up. He’d fall anyway so he wasn’t worried that Nick would let go. He wasn’t worried about anything.

“You’re staying here ’til you’re well and you won’t hurt Mother or Audra for trying to help and whether you like it or not when and if you still want to leave....” Nick’s voice that had been rough and stern now became soft and pleading, “I aim to go with you.”

Heath steadied himself and caught his breath. “I was going to come here after I thought things through, but you couldn’t wait. You couldn’t take me to Walnut Grove like I asked. You brought me here against my will. It’ll always be that way and I can’t live like that. I don’t need his name or to live under his roof or your thumb. I will never work with Bentell, I will never protect Bentell, and I will never let him have any power over me again. I can’t believe I tried.”

“Never is a long time Heath.” Nick’s hands were shaking. His eyes appealed for forgiveness.

Heath looked down. “Don’t you see you’re not good for me, this isn’t good for me? I can’t …, I have to leave.”

“You think we don’t love you but we do love you Heath. I made a damn awful mistake the biggest mistake of my life. You think you have the right to decide this but it would be wrong.” Nick saw how weary Heath was and let him go. “We made a mistake and you’re going to make sure we pay for it aren’t you boy? You want to die today. You’re right Heath, I can’t stop you if that’s what you want. That’s been you’re ace up the sleeve the whole time hasn’t it? Just how far are you gonna go before we get the news, of your sad demise.” The words were hard. Nick wanted them that way. He needed to rile up some emotion for Heath to grab hold of. If it wasn’t love maybe it could be anger or hate. Nick cinched and tightened Heath’s saddle for him. “There,” Nick patted Heath’s saddle. “Nice knowin’ ya brother.” Actions were harder to pull off than words. Nick concentrated solely on his fingers making sure they did what he told them.

Heath tried to ignore the pain that stabbed with those words. “You won’t get the news. I’ll make sure’a that. So don’t worry. Mother won’t be hurt.”

“Mother won’t be hurt?! What the hell do you think she said to you in there?” Nick thundered. He was getting no where with words at all.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“No? What did you mean? That she won’t be worried about you. That she won’t want to know that you are safe. That she wouldn’t give everything to take back what happened. That any of us would gladly pay for our mistake with our lives, if you’d let us. That I could forget about my brother? That I, that I don’t need you? If that’s what you meant Heath you’d be wrong. Dead wrong.”

“What the hell do you care? You made that damn place real again. You took what little peace I had and threw it away.” Heath accused vehemently. He was shaking. Fists clenched. He didn’t want this confrontation. He just wanted it to be over. “I just want to be left in peace. Can’t you understand that?” “I made that place real?” Nick denied. “You let me. I didn’t hold a gun to your head.” Nick accused forcing Heath to defend himself. He was unrelenting, fighting for his own life as much as his brother’s.

He had let them deny him. He’d had the ultimate decision and he’d done what they’d asked. Heath was angry, “I trusted you.” His eyes teared at the betrayal they found there. He stepped up and faced Nick who saw the storm clouds darken and flood with emotions.

“No you didn’t. If you trusted me you would have gotten a room and a bottle of whiskey and waited for us to come after you. But you didn’t trust us.” Nick managed a haughty smirk. He couldn’t read Heath’s eyes but he knew there was still a strong will, one that needed another way to go. In the moment Nick wondered if he’d gone too far Heath lashed out quickly punching Nick in the chest effectively pushing him away.

“You think I wanted to go?” Heath spat back.

“No I think you didn’t trust us enough not to go.”

“I can’t even trust myself, can I?” He turned his back to Nick and nearly fell backward when he put his foot in the stirrup.

“Whoa there, Heath.” Nick steadied his brother and kept hold under his arms tighter and longer than was necessary. “Today is not a good day to die.” He choked out in a harsh whisper.

Heath wrenched himself loose and grabbed the saddle horn. “Why the hell not?” Heath looked over his shoulder. “If I liked that hellhole enough to keep goin’ back I may as well just make it permanent.”

Nick wasn’t sure he hadn’t dug his spurs in too deep. Heath cleared his head, turned and shoved him, right in the chest again. Nick hated that. Heath knew it. “Either way Nick, it was a test and I failed. I didn’t trust you so you didn’t betray me. It’s all my fault. I don’t belong here. I ain’t Barkley enough to figure out what games yer playin’.”

Reining in the strength his emotions provided, Heath used their power to fuel his escape and stepped up into his saddle. Nick grabbed Charger’s bridle. He needed to stay with this line of communication, however fragile. “Heath we can’t change the past but we can help you and we will.”

“I don’t need your kind of help.” He was red faced and screaming. “You can put this on me, but you can’t change what happened or who I became because of that prison. Not you, Jarrod , Mother, Audra, Gene, none of you. Not my Mother, Tom Barkley, this ranch, all the money in the world, not even me. I can’t change what happened or how I feel. So don’t waste your breath. No, you can’t change what you did but you can get out of my way.”

“Just hold on a minute Heath, I made a mistake a big one. I know you think we don’t love you. That life is just a big show and that no one can ever love you. That you’re just some bastard from Straw.....,” Nick had more to say but Heath had heard enough and kicked his boots into Charger’s side causing Nick to be pushed and fall to the side by the large horse. Nick was done trying to beg, plead, or make sense. He just wasn’t going to lose his brother. He jumped up and before Heath had a chance, grabbed him by his belt and pulled him off Charger’s back. Heath went wild before even hitting the ground. Nick had a hard time fending off the punches that came at him and there were many that connected with bone. Nick wrapped his arms around his brother pinning his arms against his side. Nick held on dodging Heath’s kicks despite his quick maneuvering. Nick felt like he was holding on to a fish out of water. “I won’t let it happen again. I am so sorry Heath. I promise it won’t happen again. It is my fault Heath. Please stop, I’ll let ya go. I’m sorry. I just don’t want ya hurtin’ yourself. You’re hurtin’ Heath. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.” Nick streamed words, one right after the other hoping to get through. He’d wanted Heath’s emotions back but was not sure anymore whether that was the right idea either.

Heath’s struggles eventually waned. Both he and Nick lay sprawled on the barn floor. Nick’s arms locked around Heath’s middle and they caught their breath. Nick calmed first and tried to get his wits about him. That was not what he had planned but he wasn’t all too disappointed with the results. Heath was still there.

Heath’s breathing slowed. He snorted disgusted with his efforts. “Don’t Nick.”

Nick didn’t move. He wasn’t sure what Heath was referring to. “It’s not a promise you can keep anymore than I can. I’ll never escape Carterson. Hell I went willingly this time.” Hating the ease with which Nick contained him Heath struggled weakly. Giving up, he relaxed still trapped by strong arms. “It’s over Nick, let it go.”

“It’s not over. You didn’t go willingly. We made a mistake not you. You’re right Heath. We don’t know you but I swear to you on my life, I will get to know you and we’ll get through this.”

“I learned to trust, trusted you ….with everything.”

“And I betrayed you.” Nick felt the trembling begin and held tight as Heath struggled to stop the tears so long in coming. Heath didn’t want to be weak and the stream of profanities that he voiced in an attempt to hide the hurt and the memories that caused them came with a vengeance long denied. Heath fought and struggled through the tears and cries he couldn’t prevent. Nick worried at the duration of Heath’s exertion. He was wild. Nick could feel his heart pumping madly. Heath directed his hurt onto his brother who was forcing it to the surface.

Heath finally lay still and Nick thought he was either asleep or had passed out. “You are my brother, I do love you. I know you don’t believe it. I admit I did the stupidest thing in my life and I’m not makin' excuses. I just want you to know it was a mistake. You were right, I did know it was wrong and I sent you there anyway. It doesn’t make sense now but it did then. I can’t explain it. It seemed to make sense and even if it didn’t, I wanted it to. I wanted the hurt to be gone. I wanted you to be clear of Carterson. I wanted the nightmares gone. I wanted it because I love you. I shoulda known better. I’m sorry Heath. I can’t lose you. I’ll do anything to prove it.”

“Nick I appreciate you sayin’ what you did an’ all. I already forgave ya, all of ya. I just can’t find it in my heart. I can’t find much at all right now. Not much that’s worth anything. Ya can’t tame the wild in me. I got things inside no one alive should have to carry.”

Nick held him tighter. “Let me help you carry it. I won’t lie at how much it scares me, but you’re right, it’s too much for one man, but two Heath, maybe two? Please let me try.”

Heath tried to deny the love he felt being offered. Heath’s soft voice finally gave some hope to his brother. “Guess I shoulda gotten that room and bottle o’ whiskey.”

“Yeah, well whiskey sounds awful good right now but the only room you’re getting is your own.” Heath wound down quickly and fell asleep feeling safe, still embraced in his brother’s arms on the dirt of the barn floor.

Nick couldn't hold back his own tears any longer for all the pain one mistake, one grievous mistake had caused. The lump in his throat gave way to silent tears. Nick held on to Heath for dear life soaking up his substance and warmth until he felt the uncomfortable difference between the cool floor and Heath’s temperature. Nick took a deep breath. Heath shouldn’t have been out of bed in the first place. Nick eased himself away from Heath to carry him into the house.

Heath roused and leaned up on his elbow when Nick moved. “Hey.” Nick gently placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder. Heath grunted at the energy his small movement cost. Nick smiled. “Don’t I know it! I’m plumb wore out. You okay now?” Nick asked.

Heath scowled and Nick shrugged, acknowledging his dumb question. Heath offered his one-sided grin in return. “I’ll live.”

Nick beamed and pulled Heath tight against his chest. He cupped the back of Heath’s head and spoke softly in his ear. “Promise?”

Heath nodded and did what he’d learned to do. He surrendered to Nick’s lead once more.

Nick loosened his grip and tilted Heath face so he could look in his eyes. Heath was beyond tired and a whole host of emotions still raced in him. Heath had let them out and they were there right under the surface again. “Can you walk?”

“Yeah.” Nick helped Heath to his feet. It was more difficult than either had thought and took a couple of awkward tries until Nick grabbed him under both arms and lifted Heath upright.

Heath groaned as dizziness made his head swim. “I can carry you.” Nick offered.

“I can walk.” Heath stood still. “Just give me a minute.” Heath moved his feet to find his balance. “Alright let’s go.”

Nick didn’t consider what Heath was doing as walking but would’ve been happy to drag him for miles if it made him happy. Together they stumbled through the yard toward the house.

“Nick?”

“Huh?” Nick could feel Heath’s waning energy and control. “Come on,” Nick tugged at Heath’s waist to keep him upright, “we’re almost there.”

Nick felt Heath pull in another direction.

“I’m goin’ in the back door.”

“Why? They’re all looking through the window.”

“Then they’ll know I don’t want to see them.”

“They’ll be hurt.”

“Maybe they’ll be glad I didn’t leave.”

“Right.”

They continued in the direction of the kitchen door.

“What’m I gonna do?”

“You’re gonna do this the hard way but you’re gonna get better and I’m gonna help you every step of the way.”

Nick was getting tired . He was practically dragging Heath. “Heath, leavin’ was not a good idea. First off, you ain’t walkin’, and second, you ain’t leavin’.”

“’come by it honestly.”

“What’re you talkin about?”

“Mama used to shake her head wondering how I came up with some of the ideas I did. She was a smart woman you know. Frustrated the hell out of her.”

“What did?”

“My dumb ideas.”

“Yeah, so. Me too.”

“So, must be from the Barkley side of the family.”

Nick chuckled. “The secret’s out of the bag then, so don’t you forget it.”

Heath took a deep breath, “Don’t reckon I could if I tried,” and used every last ounce of concentration to put one foot after the other.