I would keep my job at Titan
And give up on my fightin’
From boxin’ I’d refrain...
And all day I’d be thinkin’
Not just standin’ here a-blinkin’ -
If I only had a brain.

I’d admit I have neglected
My wife more than expected,
And caused her too much pain...
‘Cause if I really love her
I would not put things above her -
If I only had a brain.

I’d wear hair that’s not so scary,
Refer to her as Carrie,
‘Cause "my wife" sounds inane...
I’d respect her opinion
And not treat her like a minion -
If I only had a brain.

I would not run off with Sami,
Give Carrie such a whammy,
Which I cannot explain...
I’d think of Carrie’s feelin’s,
Not be crawlin’ through the ceilin’s -
If I only had a brain.

I would not be so connivin’
Con-tin-u-al-ly strivin’
To constantly outsmart...
I would know good from evil
And would not cause such upheaval -
If I only had a heart.

I would not be always teamin’
With Nancy for some schemin’
To tear lives all apart...
Instead I would be carin’
Heart on my sleeve I’d be wearin’ -
If I only had a heart.

I’d be kind and sympathetic,
Be nice and not regret it,
And play a helpful part...
No one’s trust I’d be breakin’,
Lots of friends I would be makin’ -
If I only had a heart.

I would act quite unassumin’
And I’d become more human,
Be lovin’ from the start...
No plannin’ and a’sneakin’
Only truth I would be speakin’ -
If I only had a heart.

If I’d shown my love to Carrie,
Refuse to let her marry,
Throwin’ her quite a curve...
We’d have seen stormy weather
But right now we’d be together -
If I only had the nerve.

If I hadn’t kept so silent
Through all the days that I spent
Tryin’ hard not to swerve...
She might have been persuaded
And from Austin be dissuaded -
If I only had the nerve.

I would cut all ties with Ali,
Not even try to dally
In bein’ friends with her...
‘Cause if I’d made her let go
She might not be goin’ psycho -
If I only had the nerve.

Maybe now I’d have a real chance,
If I would push for romance
And show a little verve...
A spine I would be sportin’
And would show that I’m a Horton -
If I only had the nerve.

(Mike)

I admit there’s no denyin’
Inside I’m really dyin’,
This pain I don’t deserve...
I’d be brave as a prizefighter

(Craig)
I’d be gentle as a first-nighter

(Austin)
I’d be clever as a scriptwriter

(Carrie)
If the Writer is a writer who will serve

(Austin)
Then I’m sure to get a brain...

(Craig)
A heart...

(Carrie)
True love...

(Mike)
Dah Noive! 8-)

Weeee’rrree off to see the Writer
The Wonderful Writer of Days
We hear she is a Whit of a Wit
If ever a Wit there was
If ever, oh ever, a Wit there was
The Writer of Days is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the WONderful stories she does
We’re off to see the Writer
The Wonderful Writer of Days...

Follow the Green Mountain road , follow the Green Mountain road
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the Green Mountain road
Follow the Green Mountain, follow the Green Mountain
Follow the Green Mountain road...

(Alright, alright, I know not everyone likes SSM, but I really didn't want to drop the word 'wonderful' from the song. 8-) So there.)