~humorous souls~
One day Johnny comes home from school and asks his father, "Dad, what's a penis?" His father whips out his tool and says, "That, son, is a penis. It's not only a penis, it is the perfect penis." The next day some of his friends ask him what a penis is. Johnny exposes his tool and says, "This is a penis. And if it was three inches shorter it'd be the perfect penis."
There was this 3rd grade teacher who was talking to her students about which part of the body goes to heaven first. One student said brain,one said arms. One student got this really serious look on his face and said, I think it's the legs. The teacher asked why he thought it was the legs he replied saying, I went into my parents room and my mothers legs was up in the air and she said," OH LORD,I'M COMIMG,I'M COMING! "
According to a new survey, 58% of male college students say they don't believe in sex without love. . . . . Apparently the other 42% told the truth.
One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger so he couldn't do anything. Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything because he needed to fix the Batcar. Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened. So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding bullet and flew away. Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this
and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady
said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was
surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said
when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries
and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her
head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and
has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach.
So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a
quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's
sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to
look like an asshole!"
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living
room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in
the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went in and
told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use
nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and
resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stops and the mother
hears her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you
for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon." Then she hears the little boy
continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of
your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Paul says to
the the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun
says "Yes, with my finger." St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the
holy water before you enter." The second one says, "Yes, with my hand."
And she has to dip her whole hand in. The third one's about to answer,
but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK
I'M GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE
OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"
Q. What is the difference between women and PCs?
A. Women don't take three and a half inch floppies!
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos,
then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
A little boy opened the big and old family
Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something
fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf
from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma,
look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's
suit!!"
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lay down for
bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets
in he notices a huge black
dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small
white guy and says: "7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right
ball, Turner Brown" The
small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy
and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's
wrong?". The small
white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
looks down and says "7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right
ball, my name is Turner
Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn
around. '
"Maria is a devout Catholic.She gets married and has 17 children.Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later,
and has 22 children by her next husband.Then he dies. A while later, she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says,"At least they're finally together."A guy sitting in the front row says,"Excuse me Father, but do you mean with her first husband,or her second husband?"The priest says,"I was referring to her legs."
Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The
doctor comes back and says "Frank, I am not going to beat around
the bush. You have AIDS."Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and peanuts,
box of Grape nuts cereal, and to it off with a gallon of prune
juice." Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."
Q. Why is it impossible for a woman to find a man who is caring,
sensitive, and also good-looking?
A. All those men already have boyfriends.more humor
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