"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away." "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable." The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times." "What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!" "We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth. The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out what was going on. "Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is empty?" "Yeah. It's my wife's seat." "And why is it empty?" "She died." "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend to come to the game with you today?" "Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her funeral."

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD c/o Heaven Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady. A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those jerks at the post office."

A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field." "You must work in information technology," says the balloonist. "Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?" "Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"

A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior. "The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore." "When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her vacations." "Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize." "When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket." "I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'" "(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later." "(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1." "(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood." "She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind." "He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk." "The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear." "(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person." "Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset." "On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people."

30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid: *A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A few beers short of six-pack *A few peas short of a casserole *Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box *The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead *One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl *One taco short of a combination plate *A few feathers short of a whole duck *All foam, no beer *Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel *Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt *Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear *Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I instructions on the heel *Too much yardage between the goalposts *An intellect rivaled only by garden tools *As smart as bait *Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash *Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair *Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor *Forgot to pay his brain bill *Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels *His belt doesn't go through all the loops *If he had another brain, it would be lonely *No grain in the silo *Proof that evolution can go in reverse *Receiver is off the hook *Several nuts short of a full pouch *He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

How To Tell if You're a Geek: *You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it. *You can name six "Star Trek" episodes. *You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. *You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work. *People groan at the party when you pick out the music. *You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. *You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers. *You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. *You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in the overhead compartment. *You've tried to repair a $5 radio *Your laptop computer costs more than your car. *Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate. *You tend to save power cords from broken appliances. *You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside. *A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it looks like an 'A'" on your paper. *You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. *You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile tires. *Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight. *Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory. *You ran the sound system at your senior prom. *Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone. *You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. *You know what "http" stands for. *You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. *You've ever used a computer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend. *You find yourself interrupting computer store salesman to correct something he said. *The first thing you notice when walking in a business is their computer system. ...and offer advice on how you would change it. *You've ever mounted a magnetic tape reel. *You own any shareware. *You know more IP addresses than phone numbers. *You've ever accidentally dialed an IP address. *Your friends use you as tech support. *You've ever named a computer. *You have your local computer store on speed dial. *You can't carry on a conversation without talking about computers. *Co-workers have to E-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the building. *You've ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry. *Your computer has it's own phone line - but your teenager doesn't. *You check the national weather service web page for current weather conditions (rather than look out the window). *You know more URLs than street addresses. *Your pet has a web page. *You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link. *You have ever sent E-mail to someone sitting next to you. *You have ever had a dream involving computers. *You have ever modified an ini file. *You would sell your grandmother for more bandwidth. *You start tilting your head sideways to smile. *You get up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on your way back to bed. *You've entered that USR X2 contest so many times you get e- mail saying "Forget it, Mike you are not going to win, just go buy the modem". *You know what the USR X2 contest is. *If you have ever dozed off while at the computer. *Have ever e-mailed yourself. *The tech support folks at your ISP call YOU for the tough ones. *You have more than one copy of the same version of software on your machine. *You have ever submitted a tip to windows95.com. *You have ever chatted with someone while talking to them on the phone. *You've ever thought about, or have, bought a laptop for the sole reason of 'wanting to be 'outside more'. *You are surprised that there are other real foods besides pizza.

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A father often read Bible stories to his young children, One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado. "What's wrong?" a woman asked. "I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said. "What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?" "He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'" "What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'" "I can guess what happened," the woman said. "Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely." "Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?" The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"

The Following Quotes Were Taken from Actual Medical Records as Dictated By Physicians:
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. *Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. *On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. *The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. *The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. *Discharge status: Alive but without permission. *Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. *The patient refused an autopsy. *The patient has no past history of suicides. *The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. *Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. *The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days. *She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. *Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. *The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. *She is numb from her toes down. *The skin was moist and dry. *Patient was alert and unresponsive. *When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail." Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. He then threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered. "On the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of good." "But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

---

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest. "I think my line of work would win this one hands down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me." "Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was architectural accomplishment." "Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone had to create the chaos."

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?" "Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said. "In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."

Have you ever heard about the lawyer with a conscience?
Neither has anyone else.

The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror. From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The test came back, and your DNA is an exact match. "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler: * Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo" * There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare. * Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars. * Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms. * In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami. * Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him." The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Bumper Stickers we'd like to See:
He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

---

First Farmer: I used to quit plowing for lunch every day at exactly eleven-thirty. Second Farmer: Did you have a wristwatch or a pocket watch? First Farmer: Neither. The whistle at the sawmill blows every day at noon, and I would just quit a half-hour before I heard it.

A professor was conducting a class in decision making. In his first drill, he picked a student from Georgia. "Now son," he said, "I want you to tell me the decision you'd make in this situation. You're driving a fully-loaded truck down a mountain road at seventy miles an hour. Just as you get close to an oncoming truck, two cars pull out from behind him to pass. You hit the brakes and your brakes go out. On your right side is a five-hundred foot cliff; on your left side in a one-thousand food precipice. Now, son, you have three second. What would you do?" "Well," the boy drawled, "I reckon I'd wake up Leroy." "Leroy!" the professor exclaimed. "Who's Leroy?" "Leroy's my relief driver, sir. You see, he's from a small country town and I'd wan to wake him up 'cause he ain't never seen an accident like this before."

The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer priced it to him like this: Basic cow, $200; two-tone exterior, $45; extra stomach $75; product storage compartment, $60; dispensing device, four spigots at $10 each, $40; genuine cowhide upholstery, $125; dual horns, $15; automatic fly swatter, $35. Total = $595.

The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume. "This one is called 'Perhaps'," the sales clerk said. "It's $285 per ounce."
"Listen," the fellow shot back. "For $285 per ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called 'You Can Bet Your Sweet Bippy on It'!"

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant. "Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am." "Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad McDonald's:
10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail. 9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead. 8. Sign out front reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can't get a job here." 7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack. 6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas. 5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure it's okay. 4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number. 3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants. 2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food. 1. Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

Differences Between You and Your Boss When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills. He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash. He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?" The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!" When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in- law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you." Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat. He said, "Heck, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"

Actress Jane Wyman tells of her most embarrassing moment, which happened when she was entertaining some very special guests. After making sure the entire house was in order, she put a note on the guest towels which read, "If you use these, I will murder you." It was intended for her husband. In the haste of her preparations, she forgot to remove the note. When the guests had departed, she found the towels--and the note--exactly as she had left them."

As a poor student, these are things you definitely would NOT want to see happen at the ATM: * You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper.", and ejects your card. * You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card. * You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card. * You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room. * You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken. * You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well." -or- "Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary paper trash.

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A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."