Facets Of The Facade

no you don’t

smiling in their faces
while filling up the hole
so many dirty little places
in your filthy little worn out
broken down see through soul

baby’s got a problem
tries so hard to hide
got to keep it on the surface
because everything else is dead on the other side

teeth in the necks of everyone you know
you can keep on sucking until the blood won’t flow
when it starts to hurt it only helps it grow
taking all you need
(but not this time)
no, you don’t

and just for the record
just so you know
i did not believe
that you could sink so low

you think that you can beat them
i know that you won’t
you think you have everything
but no, you don’t

no, you don’t
no, you don’t
no, you don’t
no, you don’t

“pilgrimage” by NIN from the album “the fragile”

“Hi Buffy!”

A bright, cheery voice cut through the noise of pre-first period rush, easily reaching Buffy’s ears as she walked towards the steps. Turning around she saw Willow slowly making her way through the human crush in the hallway. After much halting and sidestepping Willow finally made her way to where Buffy stood.

Willow’s scarlet hair was parted down the middle, the long ends prettily framing her flushed face. The purple sweater she wore was paired by a pair of blue jean overalls and purple sneakers tied with white laces. Her assortment of textbooks and notebooks were clutched tightly with one hand while the other was busy quickly smoothing back a lock of hair that had fallen onto her face.

“Hi Will” Buffy softly replied in greeting, the joy of seeing her friend clearly shown on her face.

Willow quickly smiled before saying “I thought you’d call this weekend. Did...you know, have something come up?”

Looking at her for a second Buffy decided to stay neutral. She knew her friends would not purposely distance themselves from her. Everything she knew about them for the past two years told her that but the venom from Angelus’ insinuations and accusations had left an unwanted sentiment of distrust. As much as she tried to ignore it, nevertheless it remained there. Holding her own books a bit tighter Buffy smiled and said “No, not really. I just---” Spent a weekend in hell she darkly thought, seeing flashes of darkness, pain, want, and Angelus.

Always Angelus.

His tongue languidly traveled down her body, working it’s way down to the apex of her thighs, while she restlessly shifted on the wide bed. She didn’t want to feel such pleasure but she also couldn’t imagine him stopping. She was long past that. Hours past. His every touch hurt so badly simply because it made her feel so alive. The pain of his touch was devastating in its beauty.

Angelus knew her body as well as his own. Already he knew the places that made her sing without words, and he showed her others that heightened the pitch of her melody. He enveloped her in his scent; she never knew how masterfully wonderful her heated flesh could feel against the cool leather of his clothing.

His cool breath gently fanned the small patch of curls, parting them to display the gleaming folds within. She felt his hands firmly grip her thighs, pushing them far apart and causing her muscles to strain from the pressure. After much teasing Angelus finally drank deeply from Buffy, taking her to yet another height of guilty pleasure. Just when she thought she could not bear it, he drank from her again. This time from her thigh...

Banishing him from the surface of her thoughts Buffy casually shrugged and allowed her smile to grow wider before finishing with “I really didn’t do much, just hung around the house. Caught up on some homework---”

Willow’s slender brow came up just the tiniest bit while her mouth twisted into a small, slightly-skeptical moue. “Homework Buffy?”

Rolling her eyes heavenwards Buffy raised her hand in exasperation. “What is it with everyone?! Can’t I do homework? Is homework to me like crypton and Superman?”

“Umm Buffy? It’s kryptonite.” Willow helpfully pointed out. “Oh, and of course you’re not like some comic book superhero. You have wonderful fashion sense and you don’t have to find a phone booth before you can kick butt. Willow finished with a definite nod and said “You are far cooler than the Caped Crusader.”

Seeing Buffy’s ‘I’m still waiting about the homework thing’ face she rushed out with “I think we’re going to be late to class. I’ll see you in third period.”

“Bye Will” she replied, not missing the avoidance of her homework issue. Watching her friend begin her daily dance of sidestepping and apologies Buffy murmured “Kryptonite. I always thought it was crypton. Hmmm, well I hope I’m right about it being a rock...”

Buffy turned around to walk up the stairs and had to wait for a student to move out the way. “Excuse me” she politely said. The boy just continued to stare at her open-mouthed. Buffy’s brows arched a bit at his weirdness as she repeated again “Excuse me.” The boy came down a step and mumbled “Hi” as he gazed adoringly at her face. Bewildered Buffy walked around him, shaking her head in wonderment. What was that all about?

The rest of Buffy’s morning was uneventful. Boring, boring, blah, blah, homework, boring, boring. blah, blah, no homework (which was a big yea! for all involved) until third period. Buffy was rushing to class when she bumped into someone. Apologetically she said “Sorry” not really noticing who it was until she felt a hand on her arm. Looking up she was surprised to see it was the new student, Cynthia.

Dimly Buffy was again taken aback by the loveliness of the girl. Cynthia’s curly locks were pulled back into a high ponytail, the style emphasizing the delicate yet strong bone structure of her face. Looking down at the hand Buffy arched a brow in question, not quite trusting her especially after all the hostility.

“I’m the one who should be saying sorry. It was my fault” Cynthia politely exclaimed. Looking down she pulled at a fallen strand of hair that was on Buffy’s arm. “I should have paid more attention to where I was going.” Buffy saw her flick her fingers, as if she was tossing the strand onto the tiled floor.

Pulling her arm back Buffy said “It’s not a prob---if you weren’t paying attention, neither was I.” She flashed her a friendly smile, rethinking her impression of Cynthia. Impulsively she said “I know we didn’t quite get off to a “friends-forever” start but I know how hard it can be coming to a new school.” Glancing at a group of jocks barrel their way through the student population she emphasized “Especially at this school.” Looking back at her Buffy said “If you want, you’re always free to hang out with me and my friends.”

Cynthia seemed to measure Buffy for a moment, making her aware again of a certain hostility, before smiling in return. “Thanks Buffy--it is Buffy right?”

“Yep, that’s me.” There was nothing but warmth in Cynthia’s dark eyes now, definitely making Buffy believe that she had been paranoid. Angelus had that undesirable effect on her, causing her to believe that everyone was judging her.

He held her tightly within his arms, the gesture seemingly loving if not for the bruising force with which he held her. Languidly he sipped from her throat, purring deeply as Buffy sighed with lazy pleasure. One of her thighs was draped over his hard hip, one of her hands rhythmically clenching in the dark hair at his nape.

Angelus withdrew from her neck only to kiss her deeply. Buffy arched her back as the world opened up before her. Exquisite life waltzed with devastating death as her body rejoiced. The taste of them was not repellent to her senses, in fact it was intoxicating. She drowned in him, feeling his world and wanting him to be hers.

He released her mouth only to caress her smooth, tear-stained cheek. Opening up her eyes Buffy stared at the ceiling and saw everything. The colors, the textures, the minuteness of detail overwhelmed her. Allowing her lids to close and her head to fall into his silk covered chest Buffy softly asked “What’s happening to me? Angel...

“That’s really nice of you Buffy. Maybe I’ll take you up on your offer one day.” Cynthia then walked into the classroom before turning back. Studying Buffy’s face she commented “You look really pretty today, did you do something new with your hair?”

Startled Buffy merely shook her head no, again feeling something elusive, feeling that Cynthia knew something.

Shrugging the girl said “Oh well, anyways---maybe you’re just one of those girls that looks good no matter how much sleep she gets. If you weren’t so nice, I’d just be catty and hate you.”

“I guess I’m lucky that you’re not then” Buffy casually tossed over her shoulder as she made her way to her seat, not quite liking the comment or the oddness of it.

“Lucky, Definitely the word I’d use to describe you.” It was murmured in a near whisper but Buffy’s suddenly keen hearing picked it up. What did she mean by that? Thoughtfully Buffy stared as Cynthia took her seat, her mind whirling and weighing the girl’s actions and comments. She couldn’t know, could she? No one in Sunnydale really knew about her calling, no one wanted to know, so how could this new girl?

A hand tapped her on the shoulder, jolting Buffy out of her musings. The guy behind her asked “Hey did you finish problem 5? I heard that he’s” he motioned with his head to Mr. Bushrow “picking it up today.”

Buffy was about to answer “No” when she saw Willow waiting with her eyebrows raised. “I...hey! No copying.” she said instead, turning away from his disgruntled expression and calmly opening her folder. She did do some homework, just not for this class.

She would simply do a pass-in-the-notes-oops!-must-have-done-that-by-accident trick. Willow would never need to know...and gloat.

The rest of the period went by uneventfully. A couple of hours later a much needed lunchtime rolled around. Pushing her tray along Buffy reached for an orange while Willow commented “I saw you and the new girl in third talking---I guess she’s coming around, huh?”

Looking over her shoulder Buffy said “I guess. She---” What was Cynthia? Nice? Maybe, but Buffy’s feelings were mixed concerning her so she just finished with an ordinary “seems nice.” It was on the tip of her tongue to ask Willow what she thought of Cynthia but then decided to talk to her about it later. Besides she was going to ask about Friday once they all sat down, so later was definitely better.

Handing over her lunch money Buffy thought about how to broach the subject of Friday. She just wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Holding out a hand to receive her change Buffy stalwartly thought They didn’t leave me out purposely, I know it.

After waiting for Willow to pay, they casually strolled the cafeteria looking for Xander. He usually found and held a table for everyone and today was no different. Seeing his raised arm both girls made their way to the far side of the room. “How do you do it Xander” Buffy asked in amusement. People were already cruising the large room, searching for a blank space among all crush.

Presenting his elbow Xander merely explained “This is one mighty sharp elbow Buff” before biting into a roll. Soon Oz and Cordelia made their way to the table. Usually the blunt cheerleader had her own special brand of commentary now that she was eating lunch with them and today was no different.

“God Xander! Could you have picked a worse table today?” We’re all the way in the back like a bunch of losers,” pausing she swept everyone with her gaze before she continued “which may be okay with you guys because you’re used to it, but I’m not!” Cordelia bluntly griped as she slid into the seat next to her as-of-now-boyfriend.

Defensively Xander showed his elbow again and said “Hey! This elbow has done its job, do not insult it!”

Comfortably sitting in an uncomfortable chair Oz surveyed the view and nodded his head once. “It’s low key, like us.” His five word commentary conveyed his approval and respect for Xander’s mighty elbow.

“Ugh! Is that chili on the wall?” Cordelia asked in disgust.

Reproachfully looking at his as-of-Friday-girlfriend Xander soothed his elbow while saying “It’s okay man, I appreciate you.” Gesturing with the offended limb he demanded “Kiss him!”

Cordelia merely rolled her eyes and began eating her lunch. However, to pacify his wounded pride she discreetly rubbed his leg with her own. Quickly both Xander and his elbow were appeased. After flashing a besotted grin Xander heartily tore into his spaghetti and the lunchtime drama was over---for the moment..

Buffy looked between Cordelia and Xander before sweetly saying “She wuuuvs him.”

Oz looked at the two and agreed. “I can feel the love.” Wanting to season his fries Oz looked for the salt before spotting it by Buffy’s elbow. “Hey Buffy---can you pass the salt?”

“Sure” she replied, reaching for the small plastic container. “So Will---you gonna add your own commentary on the Cordy-Xander love affair?” Buffy asked while passing it to Oz.

Willow merely smiled and shook her head before glancing over at Oz. He was staring at Buffy, his hand on hers and his nose flaring for several moments. Suddenly he stopped, took the shaker and then resumed eating his food. How strange. If Buffy realized the intent perusal she gave no notice of it. She was idly playing with her food, pushing her spaghetti back and forth, occasionally taking a bite.

Is she getting sick? Willow concernedly wondered. She was about to ask when a ray of sunshine suddenly broke through the clouds, streamed through the window, and bathed her friend’s face with warmth. Willow’s eyes widened, her senses taken by surprise and any previous thoughts completely gone from her mind.

Buffy’s skin seemed almost translucent, a beautiful golden light radiated from her poreless face. The youthful skin seemed perfect, not a blemish in sight. While Buffy boasted good skin, there was always the occasional pimple or blackhead. It went beyond her skin. Her brows were beautifully arched, not a stray hair at all. Even her lashes seemed darker and much longer. If Buffy wasn’t in profile Willow would swear that she must have applied fake lashes, but it was obvious that she didn’t.

Flicking her eyes upwards Willow realized that even her hair looked fuller, natural curls giving the tresses more volume without the aid of chemicals. Watching Buffy’s mouth she saw that her lipstick had been wiped off. Normally Buffy’s lips were pale without color but now they were a vibrant strawberry hue.

The longer Willow looked the more that it seemed that Buffy was not really Buffy at all. It was the same face but changed...living, textured porcelain. Did something happen over the weekend? On Friday? Is that why Buffy didn’t call?

Cordelia’s voice quickly broke through Willow’s thoughts. “Why are you staring at Buffy?”

“Huh?” she asked in a daze. Seeing four pairs of eyes trained upon her she quickly regained her composure. “Oh! I was just...just... thinking of how, um, pretty Buffy looks today.”

Buffy felt her face pale. It was the same comment again. Normally it would be a nice one but she felt as if she had been slapped instead.

Pulling back Angelus looked down at her. Blankly she looked up at him, realizing his displeasure but forgetting what she could have done. Then she remembered---she had cried Angel’s name. His full lip was curled in a derisive snarl while his dark eyes blazed in terrible ire. Mentally she cringed from his unseen punishment. He would make her pay for saying the other.

His hand raised up only to softly stroke her cheek. “You are so beautiful darling, so incredibly lovely.” Leaning forward Angelus brushed his lips against her cheek. Drawing closer he whispered in her ear “But you already know that don’t you?” Drawing back he looked down into her wide, watchful eyes. “I can see it here" his index fingers lightly brushed her lids, "you know you are.”

Never breaking eye contact with him Buffy shook her head. She wasn’t beautiful, not naturally anyways.

“Angel loved you and you loved him.” Looking up he smoothed her hair back, enjoying the feeling of her locks against his hand. “You don’t understand yourself. You don’t understand what’s happening, so you call for him instead of me.” Piercing her with his stare Angelus suddenly smiled. “I understand baby, I’m not completely without compassion. You’ve always run to him.”

Lifting her out of his bed Angelus set Buffy on her shaky feet. “Run to your memories now Slayer. Let them comfort you tonight---perhaps Angel will even sneak out the Pearly Gates to visit.”

Mutely Buffy stared at him, feeling hot tears splash down her cheeks. It was beyond cruel to banish her this way. She would have preferred a slap or more to this. He could not leave her this way. But already he was cutting himself off and punishing her far more cruelly in the end with his compassion.

Angelus withheld his touch from Buffy, striking her far more deeply than his fist or fangs ever could.

Her body’s changes were obviously of an unnatural sort and humans responded to it naturally. Even if they didn’t know what was wrong, instinct alerted them to the fact that something ‘was’ wrong. Oz had been staring at her earlier, maybe he was noticing the difference. Werewolves might be more sensitive to differences in body chemistry than humans.

Werewolves!

What if Oz could smell Angelus on her? He might even be smelling her own response as well! What if what he smelled was several days markings of sexual claiming? And now people were noticing the other. Oh she wished she didn’t have to have this damn change!

Looking at her friends Buffy saw all of them quietly staring at her. Expecting to soon say something along the lines of new makeup and a fab makeover she was relieved when Cordelia shrugged and said “She looks the same to me---a blonde in need of makeover. No offense Buffy.”

“None taken” she dryly replied. I guess the makeover bit wouldn’t have gone far anyways.

“No, I think...” Xander paused and leaned forward. “Did you do something with your hair?” Not giving Buffy a chance to answer he revised “No, no, that’s not it. I thought you looked a little different, but you do look the same---one fine lookin’ Buffster.”

Cordelia loudly cleared her throat to which Xander turned to her and attempted to soothe her wounded vanity. Willow looked back at Buffy and her eyes widened again. She looked the same, only not the same as she was.

“Aww Cordy, honey, you know I didn’t mean anything bad about what I said.”

Now she looked normal. Slightly shaking her head Willow discreetly continued to observe her friend. She did not look the same as before.

“No...I’m sorry Xander Harris but that was just beyond insensitive...”

Tilting her head to the side Willows observed Buffy beneath the fringe of her lashes. No, she had to have been mistaken. It was probably a trick of light or maybe even her subconscious.

“Really Cordelia, Xander was just being nice. I’m sure he thinks you’re way prettier than I am---”

“Well of course he does! Who wouldn’t? But still, he shouldn’t have said it like that...”

Straightening up in her chair Willow liked that theory very much. It was her subconscious projecting an idealized image of the goodness to be found in the Slayer.

“C’mon Oz---back me up on this! You know what I meant, don’t ya?”

“Totally, but I wouldn’t have said it like that in front of my girlfriend...”

Buffy was, after all, a special soul to carry such tremendous responsibility. The past several weeks had been very trying for all and this was just her psyche’s way of relieving stress.

“See! He doesn’t even have a girlfriend and he sees it...”

“Okay, you SO didn’t help my situation...”

Biting into her apple Willow felt much better. Things were too weird in Sunnydale as it was without her imaginations making it worse. A small giggle escaped her. Hearing it Cordelia turned to Willow and asked “You haven’t said anything yet. What do you think?”

Not sure of what was going on Willow looked at everyone before smiling weakly and saying “He wuuuvs you.”

The bell suddenly rang, announcing the time for even more teen-age drudgery and the end of the C and X Show. Reluctantly the group scraped their chairs back and headed towards the tray drop-off area. Xander was apparently not in Cordelia’s good graces as of yet, so a bit of groveling was in order. It was an assignment that he was quite comfortable with and one that she was quite comfortable assigning.

Because Buffy didn’t get a chance to ask about Friday, that only left some time after school. She didn’t know why she was making such a big deal out of it anyways, it was a simple misunderstanding. Just as she put her tray up Oz did and this left them facing each other. Buffy could see that he wanted to say something, instinctively she knew what---then the moment passed. Whether he lost courage or changed his mind Oz just said “See you in the library.”

“Bye Oz. See ya.” Watching him walk away Buffy grappled with what to say if he asked. Not if but when---Oz would come to her, especially about this. Mentally sighing she knew that until Oz spoke to her, anything she thought right now could be the wrong thing.

Thankfully the rest of the day went by quickly. Buffy strolled into the library just as Giles was coming out of his office. He held a slender text in one hand as he was softly reading aloud from it. Seeing Giles brought such a strong rush of guilt that she should have been driven down to her knees by it. Her Watcher was obviously still searching for more information about her prophesy while she spent the weekend wallowing in lust. Her intimacy with Angelus never seemed more like a crime until the moment Giles looked up and warmly smiled with just a small movment of his lips.

How could she live with herself?

She hoped that he would take her home himself. But he did not. Instead he held out her clothes, the same ones she wore earlier. Buffy couldn’t hide the disgust she felt when she saw the pile in his hand, nor could she hide the disgust she felt for them both. He merely withdrew his hand and casually tossed the clothes to the floor. “Forgive me lover. What was I thinking?”

Buffy knew that his apology was as hollow as the pleasant lines in his face. Standing in the midst of his room she felt so muddled, the strength of her emotions pulling her in sharp jerks, each feeling determined to win. She needed to leave but she didn’t want to. She wanted to stay here, to give up all the tomorrows for tonight. She was addicted to the wicked seduction of Angelus’ sharp kiss.

The young girl struggled within herself, no longer recognizing her own flesh or what was truly right or wrong. She only knew that while momentarily sated, her body could not tolerate being gone from him for long. Staring ahead she watched him approach her, carrying a small bundle in his hand. Mutely she watched Angelus shake the cloth out to reveal a rich ruby velvet cloak.

Casually draping it across her shoulders he fastened the clasp shut. Looking down Buffy saw that she was completely hidden from view. Only when she shifted did the tips of her small toes show. Immediately feeling the plushness of fine velvet rub against her Buffy felt her body awaken. “It’s lovely, thank you.” So polite they were now, hiding all that had happened between them with gifts and thank-you's.

“You seem to have again claimed a favorite piece of leather, this time another of my coats, so I’ll gift you with this one as well.”

Startled Buffy looked at Angelus’ sleeves and realized that they were shredded. Apparently in the throes of passion she had rent the supple fabric with her nails. Blushing slightly she felt obligated to apologize. “Sorry about that” she mumbled while automatically reaching for the leather coat.

Mocking laughter filled the room as he turned away from her. Sauntering over to the bed Angelus negligently sprawled himself against the headboard. His bent knee served as an armrest while his other leg was lay straight out. Buffy’s blood boiled and her insides burned miserably at the picture of male beauty he created for himself. It was almost painful to watch him yet she still looked.

“On your way home, beware the big bad wolf Buff. Oh and baby? Don’t let yourself get caught with your cloak spread---I’ll know” Angelus threw out as farewell.

Mutely she walked out the door---what more was there to say? She had been played with and now he was through. The house was eerily quiet. Coming into the main room Buffy saw that none of the revelers remained, only the echo of their laughter stayed---in her mind.

The utter stillmess was enough to make Buffy doubt the events of the past five hours. She only had to look at the table to remember. The sharpness of her vision clearly saw the tiny shards of glass scattered about. It happened. Quickly her nimble feet flew over the steps, across the marble foyer, and finally to the elevator. Mechanically she punched in the code, briefly waiting for the polished doors to hiss open.

Stepping in she heard the doors efficiently close behind her and the decent down began. Survive the night Lina had told her. She had survived the darkness of the night and now was free to find her own sanctuary. She was free to nurse her wounds and build up her walls again. She was free to shut Angelus out once more.

She had survived the night.

Almost as a whisper in her head she heard his voice. “Who do you belong to darling?”

Inaudibly Buffy whispered “You. I belong to you and now I’m damned by it.” She survived the night but how would she SURVIVE not being with him? Slowly Buffy sank down to the floor and wept while holding Angelus' coat to her face.

“Buffy, I trust your weekend went well.”

Putting on the facade she nodded and asked “So do we know anything new?”

Rubbing the bridge of his nose Giles appeared extremely weary. “Not very much I’m afraid.” Straightening his back in a slight stretch Buffy noticed the strain on his face give way to a wince of pain. She wanted to guide him to a chair but remained silent. Giles would not want her to see his strength slipping and she would not want to make him feel uncomfortable by exposing the little known fact. On the surface he appeared fine, but as Buffy now had intimate knowledge about the deceitfulness of the superficial, she could clearly see beyond.

While his pale blue shirt and gray slacks looked freshly laundered and his face was not shaded by several days growth of beard, his hair showed the dishevelment wrought by careless fingers. Giles’ spectacles could not disguise the fatigue etched beneath his eyes. Eyes that usually appeared bright with snapping vitality were now dulled with the wistfulness of missed sleep. Dulled or not, however, they had no problem communicating to Buffy the keen intelligence honed through years of experience. “I’m surprised that I didn’t see you this morning.”

“Yeah...I’m sorry Giles. I meant to drop by but I was just running really late for class and well...I know how important punctuality is to you” she hurriedly finished.

She had actually gotten to school early with every intent of reporting to her Watcher. She steeled herself against all thoughts except slaying. With each step she took she felt stronger in her resolve to think of nothing but the immediate. The closer she came to the library, the more confident her walk became, a glint of purpose shading her hazel eyes verdant. Turning the corner she felt prepared to face Giles but upon facing the wooden double doors Buffy was quickly reminded of another pair.

A pair far grander and far older than those of the Sunnydale HIgh library. A pair that belonged to a creature far older than Sunnydale itself...

Buffy lost all resolve as her senses drowned in the bitterness of carnality and torturous desire. Turning around she suffered the stun of disorientation. The young faces held no meaning for her. In the distance she saw a passing shadow of the blackest night. Her heart began to painfully beat in time to her tremulous breath.

Without hesitation Buffy’s feet nimbly flew down the hall despite the growing crowd. Her eyes were glued to the beacon of dark hair and clothes. It was daylight, how could he be here? Why did he not come to her? Perhaps he wanted her to instead come to him...

At times the crush became unexpectedly thick, squeezing Buffy back a few feet, causing her to become especially sharp with the faceless obstacles. Every moment that separated her from him was a moment that gave her an unrelenting hunger in the mind. She touched her neck, wondering why it didn’t beat with the same ferocity that her heart did. Her eyes never left the smoothly moving figure, watching him turn the corner towards the direction of the gym.

Had he forgiven her for last night? she wondered, pushing herself through a throng of chattering girls, heedless to the curses they threw her way. The gym was usually dimly lit with plenty of dark recesses in which two people could hide. He would have chosen it just for those reasons. Only several yards ahead of her now Buffy saw him turn into the gym. Just the thought of touching him made Buffy softly moan, a sound that was surely carried to the male ahead of her.

Breaking into a run she quickly reached the door before it had completely closed. Rushing towards the dark clad figure Buffy laid her hand on his arm while tremulously crying “Angelus!”

The person turned back to her in surprise. Buffy stepped back several steps, belatedly realizing that it wasn’t her lover at all---simply a dark-haired faculty member wearing a black raincoat. Shamed to the roots of her hair Buffy stammered “Oh! I.I’m sorry!” before abruptly turning back out of the gym.

She fled to the girls bathroom and enclosed herself in a stall. For ten minutes she sat on the edge of the toilet seat while the shudders coursed through her trembling body. She pressed her fists to her eyes, hoping to erase all thought of him, all memory. It was no good. Even the bathroom stall itself reminded her of what she had done for him and done to herself.

How could she have been so confused? Remembering the incident she could now see no resemblance between the science teacher and Angelus. Only her mind believed it to be him, not her body, as her neck’s lack of riotous pulsings had eloquently declared. But now her blood wanted her vampire badly, almost as if to be reassured that he was real and not a figment of her imagination.

‘It’s too much’ Buffy silently thought as she steadily stared at the ivory door in front of her. She could almost feel his cool fingers brush back her hair, she could clearly see the sensuously cruel twist of his mouth as she smirked at her.

Eventually Buffy found a way to fight for control over herself but the price was high. She scored her nails down her bare arms, over and over again, hardly feeling the pain. Blood freely welled in crimson drops, but was never given an opportunity to anoint her clothing. The wounds closed too quickly, tragically reminding her of what she had become.

A creature of Angelus’ making.

Smiling slightly he replied “It should be important to you also Buffy.” Relaxing his shoulders Giles repeated himself. “Did the weekend off go well for you?”

Her features were inscrutable, innocent to those who would want to see such sweetness. “Yes. I felt a little weird without two days of patrol,” pausing she ruefully smiled, “made me remember what it was like without ‘extracurricular activities’, but it gave me a chance to catch up on homework.”

Giles cleared his throat slightly before asking “Homework Buffy?”

Buffy opened up her mouth in protest before muttering in chagrin “Nevermind.” Walking towards the librarian station she breezily stepped behind the counter and deposited her weapons bag on the floor. Coming back she asked “Anything happen during patrol?”

Buffy and Giles had argued vehemently about the issue of weekend patrol.

Buffy had wanted to, Giles had wanted her to stay home.
She refused, he threatened to make her.
She laughed, he frowned.
She smugly yet discreetly gloated, he sighed sadly.
She looked at his melancholy yet stiff upper-lip, he sighed even louder.
She reconsidered, he pounced.
She grilled his every proposed movement, he reminded her who was Watcher and who was Slayer.
She pouted, he raised a British eyebrow.
She grudgingly agreed, he openly gloated.

Stubbornness alone made her patrol that Friday night, despite Giles’ wishes, and allowing fate to play a merry jest with her life. By Saturday Buffy could barely keep herself from screaming aloud much less wield a stake.

Now she regretted letting Giles bully her out of patrol. He could have been harmed. Something you should have thought about before now Buffy. She should never have agreed to it. It was the last patrol he would do and no amount of Watcher bullying was going to change her mind.

Sitting on the edge of the table he allowed one leg to idly swing back and forth. Giving her his full attention Giles shook his head and said “Umm, actually no. It was rather odd. There were no risings, no attacks. Simply put---there was absolutely no activity.”

Frowning Buffy was surprised. “Nothing?” Since she moved to Sunnydale there had always been something on the weekends, even if it was a case of Pimerotaque trolls. The past week had been unnaturally quiet and now the weekend had been too. Looking back Buffy knew now that in the back of her mind she believed it to be a part of some strange courtship ritual of Angelus’. But after Friday, she would have expected things to resume back to normal.

Which is more reason why Giles should not have been patrolling by himself. Buffy felt the shame burn her again because she never gave it more than a cursory thought during the past two days. She was just thankful that nothing had happened because of her personal failing, but now it was time to play catch-up.

Why had the weekend been so quiet? Surely Angelus didn’t turn over a new leaf in search of peace, or because their new change in circumstance. No, he wouldn’t keep his goons from raising Hell just because they were... Don’t be shy. Fucking Buffy. You and Angelus fuck, or at least he fucks you. What was going on?

Gracefully folding herself onto a chair Buffy looked up at her Watcher and said “I don’t like it.”

Agreeing Giles nodded his head. “Neither do I. Vampires residing on the Hellmouth and not following their nature? I don’t understand it.” He rubbed his chin for several moments, his mind obviously selecting and discarding several theories. Slowly his swinging foot came to a halt. “Such behavior perhaps suggests that a shift in their ranks is occurring. Spike held control until very recently yet the transition of power was rather bloodless considering the circumstances. Maybe he’s prepared to take back his position and they’re awaiting the outcome, not wanting to make a definite move to either side.”

Nodding her head while she listened Buffy’s own mind raced in search of answers. While she hadn’t seen Spike recently she didn’t sense his hand behind this. She sensed Angelus’. Just from what she observed last night, there was no doubt that Angelus held power over his clan in Sunndale. The power was not even close to being in Spike’s control---Angelus held it firmly.

Buffy learned many things the past two days and her education was far from being purely sexual. She was learning that he did nothing without reason, continuously setting the chessboard of his world with precise strategy. If the undead sector of Sunnydale was pulling back, the pieces on the board were merely changing. Why?

“I don’t think so Giles. If there was a war between them the streets would report it. I haven’t heard anything.”

“Heard what?” Oz asked, his gaze settling on Buffy.

Looking over his shoulder Giles greeted Oz with “Oh, hullo Oz.” Coming off the table he elaborated. “Buffy and I were discussing the lack of vampire activity this past week.”

Setting his bookbag on the floor Oz asked “Do you think that it has to do with Buffy’s prophesy?”

“There is just as strong a possibility of that as to my earlier theory. Quite frankly I’m at a loss.” Pausing for a moment the Watcher looked at a point in the distance as he murmured “something that is happening more and more often.” Before either Buffy or Oz could dispute his statement he briskly continued. Piercing the younger boy with his sharp gaze Giles explained “I was suggesting to Buffy that perhaps the vampires are preparing for a change in power, keeping their visibility to a minimum, in order to---”

“Not step in it?” Oz supplied.

Smiling slightly Giles nodded his head and replied “Yes. That is my theory,” pivoting to the left he now included Buffy with his gaze, “but Buffy disagrees with me.”

“Why? What do you think it is?”

“I don’t know.” Pushing her chair back Buffy came to the front of the table and leaned back on it. “I just don’t think there’s a struggle for power---yet. It’s no secret that Spike isn’t to be trusted,” frowning she voiced with much irritation “I’m sure he’ll crawl out from under the rock he’s been hiding soon enough, but I don’t think this has to do with him.”

“So you’re going on a hunch, instincts right? I can trust that.” Oz declared while settling himself into a chair. Leaning back he laid his crossed hands on his stomach and said “Maybe someone’s pulled the big uglies back to keep out of Buffy’s way.”

Buffy paused, the feelings of Oz’s statement causing her to come back to Angelus. ...beware the big bad wolf Buff

Interest flaring in his face Giles came closer to the table. “Are you suggesting Angelus?”

His gaze flitting over to Buffy for a second Oz answered “He’s got the most to lose if Buffy dies.”

Her eyes shaded with wariness Buffy listened while Giles asked “What do you mean?”

“Well if Buffy falls to someone other than him, it’s like someone stealing his car while he’s still sitting in it.”

Is there more to that sitting? it’s not another one of those nasty guy sex-talk ways of saying “riding”, is it?

“Makes him look real bad, real stupid. I don’t think Angelus is the kind of guy who can shrug that off.”

That’s true.

Looking up at Buffy he clarified “I have total faith in you, I know you won’t go out like that---”

Oz I’ve already gone out like that. You know don’t you?

“---but I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same.”

Pondering Oz’s words Giles rubbed his chin for several moments. Finally he asked “But Buffy’s been attacked several times since...” the absence of words hung heavily in the air before Giles briskly finished with “Angelus’ return. Why would he take this tact now?”

Silent for a moment Oz appeared to be carefully choosing his words. “Maybe because he wants her.”

On the inside she wondered at how it could all be summed up so neatly “Maybe because he wants her.”

The absence of sound in the large library was deafening. Giles appeared to have been kicked in the gut, almost as if he had never allowed himself to think of Angelus feeling anything remotely sexual towards his Slayer---at least that’s what it looked like to her. Turning away from her Watcher, Buffy stared at Oz, her face decidedly void of all feeling, all thought.

Oz stared back, but not in challenge. His eyes appeared troubled, not quite as confident as they usually were. It was as if silently he were looking for the answers from her. What did he expect to see? What did he want her to say? I didn’t sleep with him again, and again, and again? Right now at this instant I wouldn’t strip myself naked for him?

Giles’ face suddenly took on a palid hue, a sheen of moisture dotting his upper lip and dampening the hair at his temples, while his eyes gleamed with a faraway look of disbelief. Whirling around he urgently asked “Buffy, has Angelus made any advances towards you at all? Any? Has he come near you or your home?”

“Giles---” Buffy began, her voice clearly sounding harassed.

“Answer me girl! Has Angelus made ANY advances towards you at all?”

Do or die. It comes out or not. Oz either knows or he doesn’t. Now is the time to come clean. “No! Angelus has not come near me Giles, not for a couple of weeks.”

Giles looked away from Buffy, his jaw set tightly and his mind obviously processing her words. Turning towards her again he demanded “When was the last time?”

Feeling a bit of panic now that the lies were really going to begin she hid it by lightheartedly complaining “Don’t you have it recorded somewhere in your---”

Raising his voice he snapped “Now is not the time to be flippant with me.” Looking at Buffy he saw that she was completely unfazed by his raising ire, almost as if she expected it. Why would she expect him to be angry with her?

Was it because she was hiding something from him?

Or was it because of the guilt that had been eating her since she lost her innocence to Angel?

Glancing at Oz he noticed that the young man was completely stepping out of the picture, allowing the events to unfold between himself and Buffy. Buffy would never lie to me. She is not hiding anything from me, I know it. Forcing his voice to a lower decibel Giles said “Please, Buffy, when was the last time that you fought?”

Not taking her gaze from his Buffy smoothly answered “Right before the prophesy came out.”

“Right before? The night before, two, three?”

She paused a moment before replying “Five.” Silently she justified her lies by the knowledge that as long as no one knew about Angelus and herself, she would better protect them. Somehow it still rang hollow within the confines of her mind...

“What was the last thing he said to you?”

“Giles---” Buffy prefaced this with a disbelieving laugh.

“Buffy, I beg of you, try to remember what he said to you. Angelus is known for his ego and arrogance---I know he would have said something to you.”

Closing her eyes for a moment she then opened them while tipping her head back. Without much inflection in her voice she called out “He said that I was a terrible lay. He said that even God almighty would not force him to endure me for an eternity. He said that if by chance I was turned, he would run a stake through me himself.” Bringing her head down she faced Giles’ direct gaze with one of her own. The memories of those words made the pain in Buffy’s hazel eyes very real, even if the timeline was false.

Hating to see the hurt in her face Giles still forced himself to clinically ask “Did he seem consumed by hatred for you?”

Letting out a dry chuckle Buffy thought about how easily it was for him to let her go the night before. Hatred? No, there was no hatred there---only a deliberate calculated act of cruelty. Angelus’ inhumanity was far more pronounced when there was distance, whether physical or emotion, and no real hatred. At least any hatred that she had been taught to see as such.

“No, Giles he didn’t show any hatred, not anymore. He appeared more bored by me than anything.”

“What do you mean by anymore?”

“I mean just that. When Angel---” there was a noticable catch in her voice before she continued “---left Angelus’ hatred was there in his every word, his every...step. Then there was his Judge thing, well, after that...not much else. Whatever demons he had about me, about Angel, they’re gone.” If I tell them and myself that long enough, maybe I’ll begin to believe it...

“How can you be so certain?”

“I don’t know Giles. I can’t be.” Taking a deep breath Buffy managed to keep her voice from betraying her lies. “All I can tell you is that it’s different with him now. I don’t see him when I patrol, he hasn’t been harassing my family, me, or any of my friends.” Pausing she asked “Has he approached you?”

Shaking his head slightly Giles answered “No.”

“When he walked before, how did he deal with the Watchers?”

A hard look entered his eyes while he brusquely explained “Torture, maiming occassionally, death always.”

“Did it start off early or late?” she quickly asked, neatly turning the questions away from herself.

“Early.”

Buffy silently digested the information, already knowing the answers before the questions but wanting to hear it from his lips. Angelus had been a vicious bastard, carving plain crosses into the faces of some victims, but only did the Watchers have intricate designs of Christianity carved into their flesh.

Forcing the pictures from her mind Buffy continued. “So he made his intentions pretty clear, didn’t he? The girls that he wanted---”

“You mean his victims, don’t you?”

Slightly nodding her head Buffy hated herself in that moment. How could she be so fucked in the head to desire such a godless, remorseless creature! “How was he with them?” She forced herself to stand perfectly still and await the words that were already burned into her heart.

“It depended. At times he courted them quite extensively, other times he pulled them into an alley and...” pausing Giles’ distaste was plainly heard in his voice “drained them after he had finished. His need was compulsive, obsessive, and utterly methodical even in its passion.”

“Did he play games with them?” she continued to ask, even as she shouted to herself to just shut-up.

“Games. Oh yes, that bloody bastard played games with them. Only with a few though, generally his infatuations lasted solely a night or two. Especially when Darla visited.”

Lifting her head up Buffy queried “Darla?” Angel had barely mentioned his dead sire, and the fact that she died by his hand made her feel that there could never have been anything too deep between them. When Druscilla arrived with Spike Angel could not bring himself to kill her, so as much as she hated it, she knew that there had been something between them. But Darla?

“Angelus was usually preoccupied with being her consort.” Frowning he amended “Well, actually he was occupied with keeping her as HIS consort in whatever luxurious accomodations there were to be had. The streets were generally safer when she visited...”

Sudden rage rose in Buffy’s heart. The power of her jealousy blanked all other thoughts out of her mind, other than to see them both dead. It didn’t matter that Angel had already killed Darla, Buffy wanted to do it again. “So he was too busy boinking her, right.”

“Umm, you could put it like that.”

“Maybe he’s too busy boinking Druscilla.” While her words were calmly said, Buffy felt the relentless drum of jealousy pound her. He better not, be better not be with her... Buffy did not even allow herself to think about the utter pointlessness of her emotions or what they meant...

The Watcher digested Buffy’s words, soon following the path that his Slayer so easily lay for him. “His infatuation with Druscilla was strong during her humanity and transcended many normal bonds after death. He is still quite enamored of her, I’m sure. Perhaps you’re right Buffy---”

Sensing her hollow victory Buffy smoothly said “Giles, I’m not saying to totally discount Angelus or any of them as a threat, but I don’t think that Oz quite has it.”

“Quite?” her Watcher pressed.

“Okay, so I didn’t want to be rude but I don’t think Oz is on the right track.” He’ll either come out now or he won’t.

Both Slayer and Watcher turned their gazes onto Oz, silently awaiting his next words with separate motives. After the stillness stretched for several moments Oz nodded his head once and finally replied with “Okay, so my first shot at it was wrong.. Maybe there’s a conference. I heard that Puerto Vallarta is excellent this time of year.”

Giles arched a brow as he repeated “Puerto Vallarta?”

“Hey, just brainstorming. It’s what I do between talking.”

Shaking his head at Oz’s words Giles heaved a large sigh. She was safe. His translation of the ancient scrolls of Arramitik had been correct and she was safe, at least from that part of the prophesy. Even though Angelus had not been taken into that kind of account, now he knew that his error had not had consequences.

By her own words Angelus was not interested in her. While calculating the possible translations neither he nor Jenny had seriously thought out Angelus’ motives being beyond the public battlefield. It could have ended up being a serious error on their part. Angelus did not want Buffy. Perhaps it was because she was a Slayer. Angelus had killed other Slayers and by all accounts he never courted them for their feminine attention. He simply did not desire Buffy.

Which was excellent for all for while he had plenty of training in physical combat and strategy, Giles knew he could not successfully battle Angelus for long. He had not the resourcefulness nor the keen skill to protect Buffy if the demon wanted her. It was impossible for Angelus to keep away from the ones he desired. Human women had always been his weakness, the years of being Angel would not have been able to change that. If he wanted to destroy Buffy, he would seek her out.

So Angelus was not, thank God, a part of the research he and Jenny had found. But they hadn’t been so sure at first...

It was quite by accident that he and Jenny had even come across the tiny reference concerning the new, volatile religion, the flaming orb and the distant frozen world, and most importantly---the Slayer.

Drift across the liquidness of time
Find the one unlike power but like
Touch the creature and find life or
everlasting banishment
Keep it clean

The newness of faith will hold all
lies and truth
all the same

Search for the flaming creature belonging to the orb
Find the land of darkness
Near and far

The creature hides from the cold light
The creature is free

The creature melds with this faraway place
The creature is enslaved

The creature is enslaved...

This unearthing eventually had led him to the scrolls. Etched across the fragile, heat baked documents they had uncovered a few lines dedicated to a date. After much calculations and separate verifications they both came to one day: last Friday.

One moment in time
Led by countless
Freedom is desired
Choice is courted
Decision is by one
Only one

While difficult it had only taken them six hours to bring the pieces together. Much had been debated. Could the obvious reference to the night not really be so obvious? Did it refer to Buffy’s slaying or to not? Could Angelus be the danger or many?

Soon Jenny and himself came to the uneasy conclusion that it was not possible, a vampire as strong as Angelus would surely be mentioned directly, or at the very least, the mention would be singular.

If not Angelus then it had to be to her night time slaying, meaning it could come from any direction. The only decision to be made was to have Buffy stay home that weekend. While their calculation had led them to Friday, there was always the possibility that they could be off a day or two. After much conferring the realization was that the day did not fall before Friday, but because of the differences in the measurement of a full day, it could extend past. To be safe Buffy had to be in before dark, yet he could not directly come to her or even see her. The scrolls had stated:

Life yet unknown
Choices yet unmade
must not see nor be seen
must not hear nor be heard
by the creature

If so foolish

Tragedy will befall
Destiny will be set

The choice must be made by one
The choice must be made without gifts
Only the gift of ignorance

The choice must be made
Alone
By one
Only one

Convincing Buffy not to patrol had been a task far harder than it would have been several weeks ago, back when Angel had been on their side. It was absolutely imperative for her to stay home and not venture into the night. Eventually she had agreed. Even though the choice was ultimately hers, he had done what he could to influence her. The thought that he was interferring crossed his mind, but he was reassured in the fact that her time was not yet there.

The found prophesy only mentioned the time of her trial, not before. To be safe he had ordered her to stay. There had been a lapse when he had said he could make her. Thankfully Buffy had laughed, thereby bringing him back to task. In the end she had agreed and it had been her choice.

That night Giles made a sweep of the cemetaries and found nothing. While on one hand that eased the stress of battle from his palette, it also raised questions.

Later he and Jenny had stayed in the library and continued to work. The hours flew by while simultaneously feeling as if they were bogged down by mire. A knot twisted his gut viciously, the uneasiness of the night weighing heavily on him.

Even Jenny appeared unsettled, the constant soft hum of her laptop not able to disguise the nervous rapping of her fingers on the table, nor the continuous tapping of her foot on the floor. When the sudden storm erupted, the lights dimmed several times before going out completely. Only the luminous electronic glow of Jenny’s machine provided illumination.

Moving to her side of the table with book in hand Giles pulled out the chair next to her. Glancing at the active screen he asked “How?”

Smiling slightly Jenny explained “It’s running on batteries. I always make sure I’m using them when we work on our kinds of subjects. See? Lights go out, but we don’t.”

“Yes, well that’s...nice.”

“C’mon Rupert, surely you can say something more than just NICE?” Jenny cajoled.

Smiling painedly Giles searched before laying his book on the table and peered at it. Finally he elaborated with “I, umm...it provides good lighting? Considering the circumstances” he added as an afterthought.

Patting him on the shoulder Jenny remarked “I know how hard that was for you. It’ll get better next time, I promise.”

Looking away from the text Giles raised his eyes, meeting Jenny’s. “Will it?” he asked in return, a haunting sadness deepening the grooves of his face.

Both knew that those two words signified far more. Grasping his hand in her own Jenny squeezed it in comfort. “You did what you could. The fact that we found it was a miracle in itself! Buffy is home safe---”

“Is she? Safe that is.”

“Rupert, you can’t second-guess yourself. Anything more would constitute direct violation---”

“Yes, yes, but how can we be certain? Perhaps if I go there now---” Rising he made to stand up before being pulled back down by a surprisingly strong hand.

“Look at me,” she waited until he looked directly at her. In very measured tones she said “If you go there you WILL close any escape she could have had. The scrolls are very specific: if she sees you, hears you, or if you directly change her circumstance, it will be the end of her. She must choose her own path Rupert, we can not force her.”

“I should have told her!”

“If you do not let her choose her path, she will be forfeit to the prophesy.”

“I know” he sighed wearily. Looking down at his clasped hands Giles felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. No matter all his efforts throughout the past two years to distance himself emotionally from Buffy, it had all been in vain. He loved the Slayer as much as he loved the child he never had.

To lose her...it would be unbearable.

His throat muffled with unshed tears Giles rasped “Jenny---I, I’m scared.” He felt the comforting warmth of her arms slide about him just as his large frame shuddered from the strength of his sobs.

Giles had been overjoyed to see Buffy that afternoon. When she did not come that morning he had been beset with fear. It had taken Jenny’s strength to keep him from contacting Buffy or going by her house, then he had to see if she was even in school. Once the office received her record of attendance he had allowed himself the tiniest bit of relief.

She was safe.

If she survived her test of choice, then perhaps the Acrymydion prophesy was no longer a threat to her. He had to be sure. So he had spent the rest of the day researching every available source. When Buffy had finally come in he had to force himself not to grab her and spin her around. He wanted to tell her about this new discovery, but he still feared that he was wrong. Until he knew for sure, Buffy had to continue under the belief that the loathsome prophesy had not changed.

“Where are the others?” Giles asked.

Buffy shrugged. “I don’t know, they’ll probably be here soon.”

Oz answered “I think Willow is meeting someone to give them some work they missed.”

Nodding the Watcher said “I’ll be back. I need to check on something.” He was about to walk away when he stopped and asked “Buffy, you didn’t patrol on Friday, did you?” He HAD to ask. Even though he knew she COULD NOT have unknowingly jeapordized her life by disobeying him, he HAD to ask...and wait for her words.

Her voice was completely calm and unruffled when she lied “No, I stayed like you asked.”

“Suggested, not asked” Giles quickly pointed out.

Frowning at the oddness of his statement Buffy said “Okay. I did what you suggested.”

Nooding in satisfaction Giles turned around, walked into his office, and quietly closed the door. Sliding into his new chair he felt every muscle in his body relax. There could be no doubt now: Buffy was safe.

He did what he swore he would: he found a way to save her life.

For the first time in too long Rupert Giles felt something very rare: pure joy.

Alone with Oz Buffy decided to attack first, if attack was the best word for what might happen between friends. “I get the feeling you want to say something to me.”

Standing up Oz made his way to where Buffy stood. Stopping in front of her he nodded his head and said “Yeah, I do.”

Buffy's eyes glanced to the closed door of Giles' office briefly before she said “Okay, so go.”

Shrugging one hand into his pocket Oz took out a tiny, folded up piece of paper. “See this?” Waiting for Buffy’s nod he continued. “This is Willow’s. I found it in the hallway today.” Pausing a moment he amended. “Actually it wasn’t IN the hallway. It was on the floor, under the lockers, which happen to be in the hallway. You know what I mean?”

“I guess Oz.” What did this have to do with Angelus?

“I don’t think you really do.” Not waiting for Buffy to answer he murmured “I think you will though once I finish.” Holding up the tiny slip of paper Oz slowly brought it to his nose before pulling it away. “You know how I’ve got this werewolf thing working for me now, right?” he asked in a bland voice.

Nodding Buffy replied “Yeah...” during the heavy silence she felt compelled to assure Oz “which you know that I’m completely okay with. Definitely werewolf friendly here,” wrinkling her nose slightly she amended “well, you know---beyond the-fact-that-you-would-tear -out-my-throat-if-you-weren’t-locked-up-thing. “

Letting a small smile twist his lips Oz said “Glad to hear that.” Straightening up he allowed the smile to fall from his face. “I’m still trying to understand the changes that I’ve gone through, the ones I’m going through, and the others that I haven’t even yet to feel.” Taking a deep breath Oz lifted a hand to rub the back of his neck. “The other side of me is only here for a few nights out of the month, but it’s not only the change that I feel. The wolf side is coming out even before the physical can react.”

Patiently Buffy waited, tense with wariness yet curious for curiosity’s sake. Oz never opened up or spoke more than necessary. In all the time she knew him, this was probably the most she had ever heard him say.

“I can smell things..hear things...taste things that I never could before. At first I thought that it was all my imagination or that maybe I was going a little schizoid.” Rocking back on his heels Oz asked “Did you know that Angel knew?”

Taken aback Buffy blinked once before repeating “Angel?”

“Angel...he knew. It was after playing a set at the Bronze. I was getting off the stage when it was like WHAM! I could feel her, smell her hair,---”

“Her?” she broke in, shock and confusion lacing her voice from Oz's confession.

“Willow. It was Willow, but I didn’t know then.” Piercing her with his gaze he continued. “Buffy, I was drowning in her but...not. Apart yet together.” Shaking his head Oz quietly said “I don’t know how to explain it even now, I’m still trying to understand it.” Looking away he seemed lost in his thoughts while Buffy became lost in hers.

Angel knew about Oz, even before she did. Why didn’t he ever say anything? Sighing softly Buffy immediately knew why. Angel wouldn’t break Oz’s confidence; he would have felt that it wasn’t his place to say anything.

Angel.

Bittersweet love tightened Buffy’s chest and hot tears rose to bathe her eyes before she quickly blinked them away. She forced herself to hide her feelings deep down inside, away from the present. It was something that she was getting frighteningly good at doing...

Clearing her thoughts she focused on Oz’s words.

“...it was the most terrifying thing. Still is. Even worse than actually changing.”

Silent Buffy nodded her head in encouragement.

“I was having what I thought was an episode, when he just came out and said “The wolf is getting stronger.” That was it, nothing more, just ‘The wolf is getting stronger.”

Looking down Oz stood silent for another moment, searching for the words or maybe just searching through the memories. Tilting his head he continued. “I remember just staring at him, just thinking should I say ‘I think you’ve inhaled too much crypt dust’ or just say ‘Cool. Wolf getting stronger---I really needed to know that.’”

“So what DID you say?”

“Say? Nothing---I just kept quiet.” Crookedly grinning Oz mocked himself by commenting “I’ve been told I excel at it.”

Laughing Buffy agreed while demonstating with her thumb and pointer pressed together “Just a little bit.” The atmosphere lightened considerably before settling down very quickly, both sides again being unsure of the other.

Clearing his throat Oz continued. “Angel pulled a chair out and waited until I took it. He then sat down, and hunched over the table---you know, just kind of put his elbows on it and took over the table. You know what I mean?”

A small strangled chuckle escaped Buffy’s lips as she replied “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I used to---” I used to always say that furniture was never made large enough for him and he’d always give me a goofy smile. It was such a goofy, perfect smile...God! how much I miss his smile. Damn you Buffy! You have no loyalty---you don’t deserve Angel. When was the last time you thought about him before now? All you’ve thought about is Angelus. The only time you even gave Angel a thought was out of guilt. Some guilt---it didn’t stop you from opening up your legs for Angelus again, did it? You deserve the demon and everything that he chooses to do to you...

Oz patiently waited for her to finish her sentence, seeing the grief paint her expression with such violent colors. When Buffy finally cleared her throat it was just to say in a husky tone of voice “I know what you mean.”

Silent for a moment Oz was torn between giving comfort to a friend and running the risk that his comfort would be misplaced and unwanted. Instead he began to talk again. “Angel asked...”

”How long has it been since you were bitten?”

Oz stared at Angel for several moments, undecided if he could trust anyone with his secret.

Letting out an unnecessary sigh Angel leaned away until his back was fully resting against the small chair. “I’d like to help you---but I can’t if you won’t let me.”

“What makes you think I need any?” he asked a bit coolly.

Glancing at the now-empty stage Angel replied “If you keep on like the way you were a few minutes ago---everyone will know.”

Interest flared on Oz’s face as he imperceptibly leaned closer. “What do you mean?”

“It’s like I said---the wolf is getting stronger. Guessing by your reactions to her, I’d say that you haven’t been one for very long.”

“Her?” Oz asked vehemently.

A kind half-smile shaped Angel’s lips briefly. “Her. The one your human side wants your wolf side to accept. The one that makes your wolf take notice. Willow.”

Letting Oz digest this bit of information Angel signaled for a passing waiter. Giving his order Angel silently observed the young man across from him, seeing that he was locked in his own thoughts.

Willow.

Oz suddenly focused on the beat of his heart, instinctively feeling that a path had been cleared for him---if he’d only open his senses and see it.

Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom.

Ba-ba-boom. Ba-boom-boom.

Ba-ba-boom-boom. Ba-ba-boom-boom.

Unconsciously Oz opened his mouth slightly while furrowing his brow.

Ba-ba-boom-boom.

Scanning the room Oz sought the heatbeat intwined with his own, surveying and discarding each face until a flash of red flared brightly in the charcoal scape. A powerful jolt went through him, darkness smearing his vision and then...

...clarity...

Closing his eyes Oz felt her heart, he could hear her blood flow, he could SMELL the blood flow from her pure womb. It flowed thick and heavy, her body’s mourning drink of barreness.

Hot, so hot.

It beckoned him, awakening the predator’s need to seek out the giver of this precious liquid. The knowledge of her most private moments drove him to unconsciously bolt up from his chair. Only the solid pressure of Angel’s hand kept him from tearing across the room and...

And what?

The wildness receeded, leaving the unsureness of humanity. Shaking a bit Oz sank into his chair. How did he do that? How could he hear her and even more important---how could have ever known that Willow was on her period? Suddenly an ice-cold sensation pricked his hand. What was it? Another aspect of the wolf?

“I thought you might need this.”

Looking down Oz realized that Angel had pushed a drink into his hand. Absently lifting it he halted his hand. Turning his head slightly he asked “Alcohol?”

Shrugging Angel said “Like I said---I thought you might need it.”

Nodding once Oz took a healthy drink, the alcohol burning a streak of fire down his throat. Coughing a few times Oz choked out “You know you’re...contributing to the...delinquence...of a minor?”

Chuckling Angel leaned over and slapped his back a few times. “In my day you would have been man enough to have a wife and a few namesakes of your own.” Sitting back he waited for Oz to stop coughing before asking “Okay now?”

Pushing the drink away Oz let out one last cough before saying “Totally.” Looking at the vampire across from him he asked “How did you---”

“How did I know you were a werewolf or how did I know about Willow?”

“Both.”

Resting his forearms on the small table Angel replied “Well about you being a wolf---historically you and I are enemies. Vampires and werewolves that is. You get a sense of those around and...well...I knew when I first saw you.”

Holding eye contact with him Oz felt a shifting inside, an awareness that suddenly screamed at him to get away from Angel. He ignored it.

“I see that you feel it now---now that you know.” Pausing for a moment Angel stared at the younger male, getting a sense of the inner turmoil. “You’re also ignoring it.” Nodding in satisfaction he remarked “A lot of others wouldn’t be strong enough to override their instinct, but you are.”

Oz merely shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. I know you’re not my enemy, even if you are a vampire.”

Shifting in his chair Angel exclaimed “Ah! That’s your logic Oz, but not your instincts. When you’re like them” he gestured with his finger at those in the Bronze “your logic can be trusted, no matter if it’s wrong. When you’re like us, your instincts will override your logic every...single...time.”

“But then?” The question hung in the air.

“Unless you’re as strong as them both---human and demon.”

Oz drew back, his face a scowl of wariness. “Demon?”

Angel lowered his head a bit. His voice was emotionless as he said “They say that all that are not completely human and walk the earth come from the seed of demons. Werewolves would fit the bill.”

Oz took a deep breath and reached for his drink. He took a small sip this time, feeling a pleasant warmth heat his insides. Demon. The word itself was terrifying with all its connotations. Not that being a werewolf was the easiest thing to get used to, but he always equated it with just being a big hairy dog-like creature. Okay, so a mean one but still----a dog-like creature.

Not a demon.

Demons were evil.

Demons were beings damned by God.

Angel’s voice broke through his rambling thoughts. “Look---it doesn’t have to define who you are.”

“It doesn’t?” Oz let out a bitter, sarcastic chuckle. Bringing the glass back to his mouth he muttered “I have demon in me.”

“So do I” the vampire replied quietly.

Oz paused with the drink almost touching his lips. Slanting a look towards Angel he saw him steadily staring back. Sighing again he put the drink back down on the table.

“Listen to me Oz: this doesn’t mean you’re sentenced to a life of evil. The wolf is a part of you, okay, but there’s the other side of you that IS human. The side that is as strong, if not stronger than your animal impulses.”

“I don’t know...”

“I DO know.” Pinning Oz with his fierce stare Angel said “You are strong Oz. Strong enough to one day control the wolf. When we can control both sides, we can show both sides---or neither. You accept yourself, you accept your power, one day the night will no longer dominate you.”

A thick heavy silence descended over the tiny table. Oz reeled from the implications. His curse, his terrifying secret, might one day disappear, if not entirely, enough for him to return to some semblance of life. One day the counting of days might not be a matter of life and sanity. One day he might be able to see the full moon with human eyes.

One day...

Finally he brought himself to ask “Do you mean that...” pausing again Oz gathered strength to crush the tiny seed of hope that sprung in his heart, “do you mean that I might not have to worry about the...”

“The full moon?” Smiling Angel spoke with much satisfaction in his voice. “That’s exactly what I’m saying Oz. You tap into your inner force, you control the moon---and the demon does not define you.”

A small smile quickly grew into a large smile. Angel’s grin mirrored his own. Resting his head between his hands Oz just could not believe this turn of events. All he had to do was tap into his inner power.

Tap into his inner power...

“Wait.” Immediately he brought his head up. “How do I tap into myself? How am I going to learn how to control the wolf?”

“I can help. I can’t show you as much as a werewolf could, obviously, but I do know enough to tell you what to expect and keep you from---”

“Falling on my ass?”

Wryly Angel grinned and murmured “Yeah.” Shifting more comfortably in his cramped chair he broke into his first lesson. “Which brings us to what happened on stage. What did you feel?”

Thinking for a moment Oz slowly replied “I zoned out. One minute I was walking off stage and the next...it was like I didn’t know where I was...I just felt lost.”

Nodding the vampire said “That’s because Willow came into the room.”

“So.”

“So, huh?" Angel skeptically expressed. "You’re attracted to her, correct?”

“Yeah, but I’m attracted to a lot of girls---”

“Maybe, but it’s not the same with her. You think about her all the time, you want to be near her all the time. You see a pretty girl across the room you think ‘She’s hot’ but then two minutes later you wouldn’t recognize her on the street. But with Willow...”

“I can’t stop thinking about her” he grudgingly admitted.

“You want to mate with her Oz. That’s why you can smell her hair, and that’s why you can hear her heartbeat, and that’s why you can smell her period.”

Oz stared at the handsome male across from him, suddenly feeling the urge to pummel his face. He felt as if Angel had somehow violated something between himself and Willow. His shoulders tensed as his hands became two clenched fists.

Correctly reading the situation Angel calmly explained “I’m a vampire, remember? Trust me---I’d rather not know when every woman within a 5 mile radius is on her monthly but it comes with the territory.”

Slowly Oz felt his body relax. It was Angel, not some scumbag pushing up on his woman...

His woman?!

Shaking his head Oz apologized with “Sorry man.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

Looking past Oz’s shoulder Angel suddenly stood up. Looking back Oz saw that Buffy was strolling through the crowd. “Besides Oz, even if I didn’t know the other I’d still know that you needed Willow.” Staring across the room Angel saw the moment Buffy saw him. Watching her face glow with happiness he softly said “I’d know because you look the way I feel when I’m with her.”

Patting the younger man’s back he said “Come by my apartment tomorrow afternoon and I’ll tell you all I know.”

“I won’t be waking you up?”

Smiling Angel shook his head. “No, you won’t be. Anyways, I only sleep when I’m bored.”

Standing up Oz held out his hand. The werewolf and vampire shook hands, the bond of friendship making a lie out of history. Turning away Angel began to walk across the room when Oz said “Angel!”

Stopping he turned back “Yeah?”

A moment passed before Oz answered “Hey, it doesn’t define you either.”

A storm of grief violently clouded his eyes before he sadly replied “When you have the blood on your hands that I do---it does.” Shaking off his inner torment Angel determinedly stated “But you won’t ever know because I won’t let it happen.”

And with that, Angel melted into the crowd, finding the one girl that let him see sunshine despite the darkest hour...

The quiet ticking of a wall-clock thundered in the silence following Oz’s story. Buffy blinked rapidly, the tears defeating her struggle as they slid down her smooth cheeks.

She could feel him, right at this moment, as she remembered that night.

She had just come in from training with Giles, wanting to catch a little bit of relaxation before beginning her nightly sweep of Sunnydale’s cemeteries. She had seen Oz shake Angel’s hand and had wondered what they had been talking about. When she had asked him, Angel merely smiled and replied “Bonding.” Then he had placed his lips on hers...

Unconsciously she touched her mouth, feeling the illusive kiss of his ghost.

“Buffy.”

“Buffy.”

Whipping her head towards him Buffy forced the answer out of herself, while still touching her lips. “Huh?”

“Here.” Looking at his hand Buffy saw that Oz held out a tissue. “Don’t worry---it’s clean. I just always keep a few in my pocket.”

Shakily laughing Buffy took it and thanked him. Breathing deeply she tilted her head to look up at the ceiling. A flash of memory raced across her mind. A flash of intricate design and enormous wealth...

Angelus.

Beware the big bad wolf Buff...

It wasn’t over just yet.

Turning away from him Buffy nimbly hopped onto the library table, letting her legs dangle over the edge. Forcing her dark emotions away again she calmly asked “What happened the next day?”

Keeping his gaze steady with hers he answered “A lot. A bit of history, a bit of philosophy. A lot.” Digging his hands in his pockets Oz rocked back on his heels. Things were going to be coming to a head now. “He showed me a lot Buffy, including how to recognize scents. Human and otherwise.”

Buffy’s stomach plummetted. She waited.

“I still don’t have a strong grasp of how to do it. The only one I knew for sure was Willow’s but that’s because...” pausing he seemed a little embarrassed. “Well, I already told you. But I couldn’t make any sense of anyone else’s. It’s like when you go to a department store and try on 50 different perfumes. Your nose can smell them, and your mind tells you that there’s 50, but you can’t understand the difference anymore. It’s there but you don’t know how to separate them.”

Alright Oz: how bad is it?

“So Angel threw a shirt at me and told me to smell it. It was his.” Wryly chuckling Oz commented “I got to learn his smell pretty well---he used it to quiz me on everything. Animal or Angel. Reptile or Angel. Lasagna or Angel.”

Suddenly she understood. Now she understood. Maybe it was better this way, how long could she really keep the lie going? Smiling briefly Buffy asked “Why was it so important for you to learn his?”

“It wasn’t really about it being his. What the lesson was is this: if I can understand what makes him Angel, then I can understand what makes him different from other vampires. Once I understood that then I’d know what makes them different from me, a werewolf.”

“Did you learn?”

“Yes and no. Like I said before: I still don’t have the hang of it.” Coming towards Buffy he gravely said “But I do know his Buffy.”

“What are trying say Oz?” Alright here we go...

“I don’t know your scent Buffy, I don’t Cordelia’s, I don’t anyone else’s really, but there are only two scents in this world that I know as well as my own. When I touched your hand today at lunch---Angel’s smell hit me.”

“When you touched my hand?”

“Scent goes beyond the nose, it can be felt, heard, tasted. It just takes a connection of mind and body.” Somberly he stated "When I touched your hand Buffy I sensed something that I hadn't sensed in weeks. Angel. There's only one way for that to happen: you had to be with him. Angelus, that is."

Buffy blinked slowly. "You think I've been with Angelus?"

A troubled look clouded his clear gaze. He looked down for a brief moment before resolutely looking back at her. "I'm only telling you what I know. I smell him all over you Buffy." Coming closer to her a faint note of pleading entered his low voice. "I want to be wrong Buffy, I really do. The thought of you being with that---that---ASS!---is enough to make me puke."

He doesn't know for sure, I can still hide it A kind smile curved her soft lips. "Oz: I haven't been with Angelus." Liar! A feeling of self-disgust raked across her emotions before being ruthlessly squashed. "You smell Angel because I sleep with his coat every night."

"You what?"

"I sleep with his coat. It's like when Angel threw the shirt at you; you can smell him on me because I sleep with his scent every night."

In a rare moment, Oz's thoughts were transparent. Buffy easily read the shifting ideas on his face. "Why were you so weird with me then?"

"Because you were."

He pondered that a moment. His words came out slowly. "So you haven't been with Angelus?"

Somberly she lied with such simple eloquence. "No."

Nodding once Oz rubbed the back of his neck. Awkwardly he began to apologize. "Buffy...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have---"

She broke in with "There's nothing for you to apologize for." Laying her hand on his arm she sincerely thanked him with "I'm glad that you came to me first."

"No, I should have known better. I-I..." Oz paused, obviously searching for his words. "I knew you couldn't be with Angelus---I just had to make sure."

Oz continued, his voice sounding more and more agitated with each sentence. "I thought maybe you had gotten into a fight with him, maybe...I DON'T KNOW!...but I KNEW you couldn't have done it. I'm sorry Buffy. I shouldn't have even THOUGHT it."

The guilt in his eyes gave her pause. In one day she had lied and betrayed more than she had ever in her entire lifetime. "Oz, look---let's just forget this, okay?"

Relief brightened his eyes before darkening again. "I can't---"

"Yes you can." Shrugging her shoulders Buffy breezily stated "I've already forgotten. If I have---you have to."

Laughing softly Oz said "Alright. It never happened."

Hopping off the table Buffy smiled and said "Never happened. Now you know if you smell Angel on me---well, you'll know why." How easy the lies come out of your mouth

"Yeah, I'll know why" he replied, relief heavily dosing each word.

"Hey guys---is it just me or are the teachers here REALLY sensitive?"

Xander's boisterous voice echoed throughout the library, returning the scene to a semblance of normalcy.

Oz replied with quiet wit, which in turn, brought out a Xander's rendition of his "sensitive Phys-Ed coach" saga. Buffy quietly watched her two friends, satisfied on a certain level with the way things turned out. It had come too close. How she would have been able to perpetuate the lie if Oz REALLY knew---she had no clue. She was just glad that she was able to turn Oz off the track.

God.

She was becoming as manipulative as Angelus. Twice she had made the people closest to her think the way SHE wanted them to think.

I bring out the best in you.

Silently she tried to convince herself that it was for the best. They couldn't know about her new circumstances. The best way to keep them all safe was if they knew nothing. Absolutely nothing. Better to lie and keep them alive than not.

It still rang hollow.

I bring out the best in you...

How long before she grew as hollow as her lies? Before she had as much substance as the words that came so easily out of her mouth?

Before she too became something that did not exist?

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