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Jeff Foxworthy favorites

Okay, so I'm a Foxworthy fan. That's what living in Kentucky for several years does to you (take no offense, my Kentuckian relatives). Anyway, here are some of my favorite lines from his shows. (I'm praying that this is not a copyright violation. If someone decides to sue me, they should be warned that I don't have any money to begin with.)

You might be a redneck if...

... You have a full set of salad bowls that say "Cool Whip" on the sides.

... Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

... You have an ironing board that doubles as a buffet table.

... You have a home that's mobile and fourteen cars that aren't.

... You mow your lawn and find a car.

... The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

... You walk with your kid to school because you're in the same grade.

... Someone tells you that you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

... Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

... You think a "quarterhorse" is the ride in front of K-Mart.

... You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

... Your working television set is on top of your non-working television set.

... A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000's worth of improvements.

... You miss your fifth-grade graduation because you have jury duty.

... You spend an hour staring at a can of orange juice because it says "Concentrate."

... You think fast food means hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour.

... You think "Tupac Shakur" is a Jewish holiday.

... Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

... You think taking your wife for a cruise means driving around the Dairy Queen a couple of times.

... You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

... You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are "Play ball"

... Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."

... Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

... Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see your family coming.

... You can burp the entire chorus of Jingle Bells.

... You've ever taken a fishing pole to Sea World.

... Your main source of income is the pawn shop.

... You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

... You own a homemade fur coat.

... Your family tree does not fork.

... You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

... You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only have to buy one gift.

... You consider pork and beans gourmet food.

... You've ever made change in the offering plate.

... You think a "cursor" is someone who swears a lot.

... You have a picture of Elvis over your fireplace.

... You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

... You've been on TV more than five times describing the sound of a tornado.

... You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

... Your bicycle has a gun rack.

... You wet the bed and four other people knew it immediately.

... You come back from the dump with more than you took to it.

... You know what kind of leaves work best as a substitute for toilet paper.

... Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

... You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

... You think paprika is a third world country.

... Your checks have pictures of dogs fighting.

... Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight.

... You have more than ten ceramic statues in your front yard.