Volume 7: Issue 2K5,8 ; Want to read the Previous Issue
It was 20 years ago today...

Oops... it's been a while

Well. Who would have thought it? After the last issue proclaimed "woohoo it's been a year", six months pass... But... Has the Hamster Times been silent? Yes... and no. The Hamster Times as you know and love it has evolved into an ever-churning blog-a-thon of blog-er-ific delights. Some of which find themselves in this "March to July" collection.

We will try and be a bit more regular - I'm on a prune-only diet as we speak... well... as I speak, you may be reading this at a time that differs from when I started typing it, the nature of the internet being what it is and all that. Enjoy this issue, check out the HT:Blog, and have a heck of a lot of fun in the meantime.

N.Massey, sorry for the delay - I blame the brain... July [just barely] 2005

Lettuce know what you think...

If you would like to put pen to paper, then please do. Email tends to work a lot better though.Please direct any communication to... HamsterTimes at yahoo dot co dot uk and make sure you give us a subject of "Lettuce to the Editor".

Many thanks, and have several nice days.

the HT: Blog... because we're too lazy to update the main site as often as we should...


Jason soon became disillusioned bt his internet dating services idea of people with similar interests

N Korea makes missile test threat

North Korea is no longer observing it's own ban on testing of long range nuclear weapons...

The North Korean Government have issued a statement Wednesday [2nd March 2005] that "the time has come to test our missiles" The actual timing of the test has yet to be announced but it is expected within the next month. While remaining tight-lipped about the test in general, we managed to get someone to tell us that;

* It is in three parts
1) 20 multiple choice questions
2) a "choose 2 from 4", longer descriptive section
3) and an examination of physical dexteritry
* The total time alloted will be 3 1/2 hours, you can't leave in the first hour or the final 15 minutes
* It is closed book - all notes and textbooks must be placed in lockers at the front of the room before beginning
* Extra paper will be provided
* Programmable calculators are forbidden.

We looked at one of the missiles in question, and it was extremely nervous.

Spice up your life 2005

from the 3rd March to the 13th March is national spice week

[it's also 10-day week - the extra days being a throwback to Roman times when leap years would have an additional February 14th]... Seriously though, everything goes to charity to help people with HIV and AIDS in India... so here's the link... Spice up your life - spice girl, not included... [we hear Victoria goes cheap... so we put her in a birdcage]

Muddy Shoe

Golden palace casino buy an uninteresting lump of mud

Adding to their collection of virgin-mary-toast, tatoo logos and ebay imagebuying a mystery envelope, Golden Palace Casino have bought an uninteresting lump of mud for $7,600.

From the original auction...

Whilst walking home, I found this particularly uninteresting lump of mud stuck to my shoe.

Since there seem to be people who will bid for any old rubbish, no matter how stupid, I thought I would auction it on eBay.

Be aware you would be bidding for an uninteresting, indeed quite dull and boring, lump of mud. Its only redeeming feature is its inparticular uninteresting-ness.

Bloodclots kill thousands in Hospitals

Even more dangerous than MRSA, bloodclots are terrorising hospital patients...

Local physician, Dr Nick Riviera, had this to say about the outlandish claims that thousands more people die from bloodclots than any of the super bugs.

"You see, the clot is normally dormant and lives happilly with all it's blood cell friends. But should you go into hospital, it becomes enraged. It leaps up through your throat and picks up the nearest sharp object - often the wit of a visiting relation, and pokes you repeatedly with it until you expire. The Superbugs , like MRSA, tend to cause fatalities through posing for the camera and arriving too late to save the person..."

In spite of adveritising compaign man finds he still needs a closet full of vacuums.

The Bissell Lift-Off advertising campaign proudly proclaims that "you just don't need a closet full of vacuums anymore" - but they failed to take into account Mr Alan Jenkins of West Sussex who was not taken in by their claims.

Mr Alan Jenkins currently owns 425 vacuums, and one big closet. He has named each and every one of them and each has its own, specific use. Take Betsy - "the slightly curvy corners hoover" or Jacques Poison the "cobwebs in the attic" cordless. He said "I don't know what I'd do without all my cleaners. I can't imagine any single vacuum taking their place. I mean, I like having Bob and Wilkins for the lounge and Janet and Sue for the bedroom."

Children's book to be published...

a new children's book is to be published documenting the life and times of Prince Charles.

The book is a special "Learn to read" book aimed at children. The book has been serialised on the HT: Blog during April.

Part 1: the man-child is born
Part 2: the man-child grows up
Part 3: the man-man falls in love... or does he?
Part 4: the man-man gets his end away... twice...
Part 5: the man-man is alone in the world..
Part 6: the man-man falls in love... again ?
Part 7: the man-man lives happily ever after... or does he?

Chinese save Rover... no they don't... Yes they do!

Rover, the backbone of British industry may or may not be saved by a Chinese consortium. Who knows.

On table 14 of the local restraunt "China Mae" a group of Chinese Businessmen were said to be in talks to determine the fate of Rover. Overheard conversation gave us the impression that half the table were concerned about the costs - and the associated baggage that would obviously come with it - the British public would no-doubt have their oars to stick in and opinions that would be voice through the tabloid press. The rest of the table were split between those who were on the fence, and those that would just like to order sweet and sour pork.

In the end, they ordered a variety of dishes, all of them tradional - nothing domestic.

[postscript: Despite popular belief Dog is not widely eaten in China. Rather it is restricted to a small number of locations in the south of the country and even then it's a rarity.]

Right - that's the plan. Synchronise watches - we meet at eighteen hundred hours by the Michelangelo frescoes of Bible scenes. Some interesting facts about the Papal Idol Election...

1. 115 Cardinals from 52 countries [2 couldn't attend as they're currently working on the BBC's rival show Papal Academy]

2. 66 Cardinals are over 80 years old and are inelligable to vote. They can, however, sit on the side and give scathing feedback to each of the candiates.

3. The new Pope doesn't have to be one of the Cardinal electors, it was once a victorian armchair in 1596 but this was a rather unusual odity.

4. The Cardinals meet in the Sistine Chapel and enjoy alfresco meals while admiring Michelangelo's bible paintings.

5. The Cardinals [for the first time] stay at the Vatican hotel during voting. If you had booked a room in the hotel, you are going to be out of luck and should seek out alternative accomodation during this process.

6. They are not allowed to communicate with the outside world - except to order pizza and rent movies.

7. The voting "conclave" comes from the Latin "cum clave" which means to rend asunder

8. The Cardinals fight for the right to choose in a one-off football match against rivals "the Chicago Bears"

9. The process dates back to the election of Celestine IV in 1241 when the Cardinals were forced to eat rhubarb crumble.

10. The cardinals cast their votes on papers printed with the Latin words "Eligo in Summum Pontificem" ("Elephants go and entice french fries")

11. When a pope is chosen, a senior cardinal appears on the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica and announces: "Habemus Papam" - "The Hippo is a hermaphrodite".

12. Once the new pope has accepted, he picks a name. The most popular over the centuries have been John (23 times), Gregory (16), Benedict Arnold (15), Clementine (14), Innocent (13), Leo the Lion(13), White Power Ranger (10) and Baby Spice (2)

Imagine 5 more years of himTory's Put price on Tony's head.

Conservatives want him out of office, one way or another...

Okay, so you want him out of office... but to want him dead?! Are you thinking what we're thinking?

Having seen alarming number of posters going up from the Conservative Party, we decided to actually read what it said for once instead of saying

"Are you thinking what we're thinking Pinky?"
"I'm thinking that these tights don't half chafe!"
"No you idiot, tonight, like every night, we will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

We were shocked to discover that Mr Howard had upped the ante on electionering, and more than wanting dear lovable Tony out of office, he want's him KILLED!

We spoke to well known mob hitman [you may have seen him on Trisha last Tuesday] Bobbi Selatori. For his own protection, Bobbi's will be voiced by an actor.

BS: Whell yu see, when hefer we see sains seyin "Imagine 5 more years of him", it is a coded message meaning "we will pay the usual price for him to 'meet with an accident'" Yu know wad I mhen?

HT: Indeed we do. What is your usual price?

BS: Whell, thadepens on the amount of danger, th' himportents ov the pershon an' so un.

HT: Have you seen Elvis recently?

BS: Whad kandda inervoo iz thiz - haim ouder here!

Well. That says it all doesn't it? We're onto you Mr Howard...

Queer signs to save lives

Oooh Camp it up lovie!

It is reported today that a bunch of bent signs are going to be introduced to the nations highways and bi-ways to protect vehicle occupants. The signs, when hit with force, bend over backwards. This then reduces the chances of injury [due to a forceful entry] to nil.

It is said that these signs are already in force in Norway and nothing serious has happened because of them.

Jackson's Fine!

After months of ignoring the proceedings of the MJ child molestation case, the Hamster Times decided to open that bag of worms and find out exactly what was inside of it...

Ugh! Worms!
Mary Jane, Spider-hero love interest. Has been on trial for the past few months for child moleman station. No, wait. That cannot be right. Who's been messing with my notes? Here am I, brain the size of a small hamburger, trying to make a report on possibly the most important trial of our time, and someone has replaced half my research material with pages pulled from "The official handbook of the Marvel Universe, Spiderman 2005" - and is this special sauce smeared all over page 42?

Never mind. I'm sure no-one's going to notice.

Mary Jane Watson ParkerMary Jane Watson - Parker, no relation to Sarah Jessica Parker [ Sarah Jessica Parker is a fictional character dreamt up by Stan "the man" Lee back in 1963 after a particularly large serving of fried green tomatoes at the whistlestop cafe], has been on trial for the crime of "Moleman Child station". During the course of the trial, countless surprise whitlesses were brought forward - each one more surprised and whitless than the previous one. The fairytale ranch dressing where he lived, "Stay airbourne", is the scene of these alligators. Many of which have been raised by the showing of the Martin Scores-Crazy film "Bedfellows".

Mary Jane, someone whose life has been dogged by claims of "plastic surgery" and "skin bleeching" is happy to be finally getting her life back together now that she has been found "not Gil Fish" on all charges.

This edition of the HamsterTimes is copy-ptang-ptang-ptang-right, 2005 N.Massey and is based on the some not-so-funny things that may (or many not) have actually happened in the news lately. Or, in this case, about 4 months ago. Shh. Don't mention the war.

The small print

Live 8? Pah! What about 5 alive? I much prefer their boyant fragrence than 1000 ebay auction cancellations and no misturkey dinner can make me say otherernie!
I'm sure I could write more, but it's too hot outside and I need a small Australian popstar to perform a melody of hits on my wind instrument.

Stop it! It's an oboe.