PKI: Mystery Science Theatre 3000 Adaption
of the fanfiction Star Ruby's Unexpected Surprise by Star Ruby
MiST by Cavalier the Sonic Assassin
artemisprime@allspark.com
Note: This goes out to Bad Fic Chick, aka Thundercracker, a fellow appreciator of, well...fangirl fanfiction. :P
*music begins with a Generation 1 Season 3 montage type intro, the music, obviously the Theme to the Satellite of Love but in the industrial type music of G1 Season 3.*
In the not–to–distant future
somewhere in the dregs of space
Cyrway and her gang of demons
were picking up their pace
To get away from Demona's evil scheme
they found a spacial rift within a dream
but Fate ripped a paradox fart
that tore the fabric of the multiverse apart
(GIR: "It's gonna explode!" *giggles maniacally*)
MECHA–WASHU: I'll find her fangirl fanfics,
The worst I can find!
GIR: Lalala!
MECHA–WASHU: I'll force her to sit and read them all
And I'll watch them melt her mind!
GIR: Lalala!
Now keep in mind Ace can't control
when the fanfics end or begin
The demons join in so she won't be alone
when the insanity sinks in.
(GIR: Demon Rollcall! YAY!!!)
MALIBU!
(MALIBU: The camera continues to roll!)
ARIN!
(ARIN: Hot Rod/Sideburn forever!)
MONDO GECKO!
(GECKO: Slash as in bodycount!)
BROOOOOOOKLYN!
(BROOKLYN: What's with all the "o's?")
If you wonder where all the demons came from
you'll have to read the FAQ
GIR: Lalala!
Just remind yourself it's just a fic
so you really should relax
For Mystery Science Theatre 3000!
*Countdown, as the infamous sound effect from Friday the 13th echoes*
What looks likes the bowels of a space station, a gauntlet with razor sharp knives on the fingers scrape against a railing, leaving sparks in its wake. Cut to a gloved hand clenching around the hilt of a machete. Cut back to the brim of a tattered fedora. Cut to a beat–up hockey mask, with one green eye peering out. Cut to the back of a sweater, striped red and green, faded and tattered. Cut to a pair of dingy blue coveralls topped by what used to be a sweater, now an undistinguishable colour.
Full pan scene of the engine room, where CYRWAY, dressed in a Freddy Krueger outfit, faces off with GECKO, dressed as Jason Voorhees, as a Chemical Brothers–type techno song starts playing. Cyrway places the hand with the blades around her left shoulder, waiting for Gecko's first move, the brim of the hat hiding her eyes.
CYRWAY: *with a smirk* Welcome to my world, Voorhees.
GECKO rushes forward, swinging the machete; Cyrway dodges to the right, and a brutal battle ensures as the two dodge and parry attacks as the soundtrack gets louder. Eventually, a winged creature in a beat up duster and an equally beat up cowboy hat shows up on the rafters on one of the overhead passes of the camera, watches over the scene, spreading its wings and jumping from the rafters and joining into the fight.
Now there's a three way battle between Jason. Freddy, and the demon from Jeepers Creepers, represented by Brooklyn. They are so enthralled in their own competition they do not notice the engine room warping, becoming more of a cross with the assimilated ship from Aliens and a Borg ship. Close–up on each of the three, as they exaggeratedly dodge cables shooting from the walls, all of them looking around for the cause of this. Suddenly, more cables lash out, taking hold of Gecko and pinning him to the wall. He looks around frantically and, true to Jason's nature, does not say anything.
Cyrway and Brooklyn halt their fighting, melodramatically confused as the Alien world takes over, and the front of Gecko's overalls soak through blood. Gecko convulses, especially when, a la Manny Galan, a very Giger–esque caricature of Starscream's head bursts through, hissing and spitting not unlike an Alien.
At this point, the soundtrack statches to a halt as Cyrway takes off the fedora and throws it to the floor.
CYRWAY: Dammit, Screamer, can't you stay out of our RPs for once?
GECKO: *sulks, looking down at the thing coming out of his chest.* Okay,
that's just gross, dude, and from someone who likes Overfiend, that's saying quite a bit.
The grotesque head hisses, then retracts back into the wall, dropping Gecko to the ground with a groan.
BROOKLYN: You know, I don't understand why you two have to go through this every time you have a marathon of Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the Thirteenth.
CYRWAY: Dude, Jason vs. Freddy didn't have a true winner, so we don't know canon–wise who would whip the other's ass, especially when the Scooby Gang keep interfering.
GECKO: Jason had the higher body count.
CYRWAY: But Freddy was more exclusive in his prey, and had a more creative way of taking them out.
GECKO: *stands up, facing off with Cyrway.* What's wrong with sticking with the classics? They work, and he's got the higher body count.
CYRWAY: There's only so much hack and slash one can take; tell me, how many times did Freddy repeat a killing method, hmmm?
STARSCREAM: *disembodied, sighs, annoyed.* They're still arguing this point?
BROOKLYN: *as the two argue, indistinct, in the background.* Oh, they'll argue this for quite some time.
ARIN: *over the intercom* We're being hailed, mates.
CYRWAY: *breaks out of the argument.* By who? The Evil Autobots are gone and the Good Decepticons pretty much ran in horror after they got Evil Starscream back.
ARIN: Um...the Evil Autobots aren't out of the picture.
CYRWAY: Huh?
ARIN: Remember Mecha Washu?
CYRWAY: Didn't she get jettisoned into space?
ARIN: Actually, she took off with the Evil Autobots while Starscream was seducing a rather drunk Arty.
STARSCREAM: I was not!
CYRWAY: *grumbles, storming offscreen.* Okay, I better just get it over with.
BROOKLYN: I'm going to get rid of this stupid costume. Jeepers Creepers was a lame movie anyway.
GECKO: *as the two leave* Would anyone complain if I kept the mask?
BROOKLYN: *offscreen* Why would I complain? You'd be doing me a favour.
On the bridge, Cyrway, in her normal clothes and still wearing the bladed glove, leans against the console, the blades tapping against her shoulder. Gecko and Brooklyn, also in their normal clothes, save for Gecko wearing the hockey mask, tilted upward, off his face, join her.
On screen is a throne scene straight from the Star Trek episode Mirror Mirror, the Evil Autobots surrounding the throne where Mecha Washu now sits, giving a wide, goofy smile.
MECHA WASHU: Hiiiiii!
CYRWAY: What the hell do you want? We've already proven we could beat you.
GECKO: Yeah, do you want another ass–kicking?
MECHA WASHU: No, you see, we've figured out your one weakness, and now, we're going to exploit it! Originally, we were going to send you a Jason/Freddy smut fic––
Everyone on the bridge cringes back in horror.
MECHA WASHU: ––but due to the fact that we couldn't find it nor can any one of my minions compose a coherent sentence, I, Mecha–Washu version 3.0a(2), decided to send you something much, much more evil.
BROOKLYN: Like what, Jason meets Samara from the Ring?
CYRWAY: Sadako.
BROOKLYN: Whatever.
GECKO: Now there's a match made in hell.
MECHA WASHU: No, you pathetic peons...this is a Transformers fic dealing with all the niceties of the Decepticon Empire...Star Ruby's fic entitled, obviously, "Star Ruby's Unexpected Surprise."
BROOKLYN: A little redundant, wouldn't you think?
CYRWAY: Star Ruby? *Whimpers*
GECKO: Now there's a SNAD name if ever I heard one.
MECHA WASHU: Now go! Or else, I shall feed you to the gerbils!
The klaxon sounds loudly.
CYRWAY: We have fanfic sign!
*countdown*
This story is unusual because it focuses on Transformer reproduction.
CYRWAY: Furman beat you too it, honey.
If the Autobots can have children why not Decepticons?
BROOKLYN: Because Decepticons have no females?
CYRWAY: When did Autobots have kids?
MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY !!!
ALL THREE: *laugh hysterically, dying down to snickers.*
BROOKLYN: There's three words that don't describe us.
GECKO: "Mature" usually doesn't describe Transfans in general.
Megatron and I go out for an evening flight.
GECKO: *In the tune of Tom Lehrer's "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park."* "What fun it will be just my lover and me as we're slaughtering humans in the dark!"
We land on the tallest power dam on Cybertron.
BROOKLYN: And all of Praxus's power goes out, ensuring mass chaos and confusion, the end.
Megatron finds my beauty dazzling in the evening sky.
CYRWAY: No ego here folks!
The sunset enhances my crimson red body and optics. He sighs because I am a vision of loveliness.
BROOKLYN: Or he's annoyed he's put in this position.
GECKO: Either way, she looks like Starscream to him.
I can sense that Megatron brought me to his favourite hiding place for a reason.
CYRWAY: So there were no witnesses to her death.
I know that something is troubling him.
BROOKLYN: This fic?
"Meggy what's wrong?
CYRWAY: Well, you used a cute nickname on him, for starters.
You are not acting your usual self."
GECKO: And with that, he blasts her head off, the end.
A thought just comes to mind.
CYRWAY: That must have hurt.
"How silly of me.
BROOKLYN: Just remembered you're in a fangirl fanfiction, eh?
You are thinking about your mate who died millions of years ago.
CYRWAY: Thank you for clarifying for the people at home!
Megatron what was Pearl like?
BROOKLYN: With a name like that, probably an overweight great aunt with too much makeup and horrible tastes in fashion.
Do I remind you of her?"
GECKO: *to Brooklyn* Good call!
CYRWAY: My kingdom for Sonyx.
"Star Ruby, Pearl was an Autobot
BROOKLYN: Traitor!
that I married.
GECKO: What, casual sex wasn't good enough?
She had this strange affect
CYRWAY: *makes a tsk–tsk sound*
on me.
BROOKLYN: It was as though she rewritten my CPU to tolerate fangirls.
I made love with her
GECKO: "I thought about Starscream..."
and I wound up with a mixed breed of Decepticon.
CYRWAY: Hopefully, she's as messed up as Sadako.
BROOKLYN: Samara.
CYRWAY: Sadako. Japanese version came out first.
MegatroniaOne
GECKO: *groans* How original is that?
lacks the instincts of a true Decepticon.
BROOKLYN: MegatroniaOne's Made For TV Movie, coming soon to ABC.
She is more Autobot than Decepticon.
CYRWAY: then why haven't you killed her yet?
That bothers me a lot because my heir has to be 100% Decepticon.
GECKO: You just admitted you were macking an Autobot. Traitor.
I will not accept anything less."
CYRWAY: If you were 100% Decepticon, you would have killed Star Ruby by
now. And MegatroniaOne. And Pearl.
I remain quiet the whole time. I let Megatron get his pent up feelings out in the open.
CYRWAY: I'm expecting the fusion cannon to go off any click now.
"Star Ruby, you do remind me of Pearl. You have the same feelings about me like she did.
BROOKLYN: Ah, yes, the fangirl admiration that, if you told them to jump off a cliff, they would do it.
You even look similar to her. The only difference is she was an Autobot femme seeker jet and you are a Decepticon seeker jet.
GECKO: Uh...yeah.
Oh Ruby I miss her." Megatron does something unimaginable, the Decepticon commander cries.
CYRWAY: Just when I thought I couldn't lose any more respect for Megatron after "Trichess..."
GECKO: At least there was a body count in Trichess. *Grumbles and pouts.*
I am at a loss for words.
ALL THREE: We're not!
I massage Megatron's back to calm him. Megatron looks into my optics and kisses me.
GECKO: All the better to drive that energon knife straight into your spark....
I am surprised because Megatron is being affectionate to me. I let Megatron make love to me on the dam.
BROOKLYN: Is this the mature warning part?
GECKO: And here I was expecting a full blown lemon.
CYRWAY: *gets up, her hair in her face, as she lurches off–screen.*
Megatron enjoys himself because he forgot what sex felt like.
GECKO: *grumbles, disappointed.* Tits! Tits! Show us your tits!
CYRWAY returns, a laptop case over her shoulder, as she sits down, placing the laptop on the floor.*
Primus is ever watchful,
CYRWAY: Okay, so she gives a nod to Furman...
he gives me the capability to reproduce like the Autobot femmes.
BROOKLYN: And Maximo's Decepticons...
CYRWAY: Swarm kicks ass.
I am unaware that Megatron just got me pregnant.
GECKO: That'll teach you to screw without protection...like using a condom, or birth control––
CYRWAY: Or an anti–virus.
That never happened to a Decepticon femme before.
CYRWAY: It was mostly a guy thing, really.
GECKO: *in a really deep voice* "I don't see Megatron as an ancestor, but rather a descendant..."
CYRWAY: Yesssss.... *cackles*
Primus knows that I would be a good mother.
BROOKLYN: Okay, what part of "Decepticon...?" You know what, I'm not even going to ask anymore.
Megatron and I return to base. We retire to our own rooms for the night.
CYRWAY: *pulls out the laptop and starts typing.*
GECKO: More Arty/Magnus?
BROOKLYN: Probably Octane/Sandstorm.
CYRWAY: Actually, Sunstorm/Cosmos.
GECKO and BROOKLYN: *stare at her, in unison* I don't want to know!
Morning arrives at Decepticon base, my alarm clock goes off, I grumble and summon my fusion cannon from subspace; I blow the clock up and lay down again on my recharging bed.
ALL THREE chuckle weakly.
I am not ready to get up because my romantic evening with Megatron has exhausted me.
GECKO: You didn't do anything! *Grumbles* At least not for the audience at home to see. *Scoffs* "Mature Audience Only" my ass.
CYRWAY: Frig, Sadako's final scene was more romantic that that.
BROOKLYN *cringes.*
I turn my optics off and go back to recharge mode.
CYRWAY: And then Freddy invades her dreams and kills her, the end.
Megatron has a meeting with all of his Decepticon team leaders. He notices me absent from the meeting. This surprises Megatron because I never miss a meeting.
CYRWAY: He's gonna blast her!
GECKO: Supposedly, he already did.
BROOKLYN: *groans*
Something is definitely not right.
BROOKLYN: The Insecticons aren't eating the upholstery.
He will stop by my office after the meeting to find out why I never bothered to show up at his important meeting.
CYRWAY: All the important meetings are the same. "Destroy the Autobots! Drain this planet dry of energy for our goal of total domination of the universe!"
BROOKLYN: I notice she has a habit of repeating herself.
"I am very displeased with you; StarScream,
CYRWAY: What else is new?
GECKO: She spells Starscream like you spell WarWorld, Ace.
Onslaught, MotorMaster, Bonecrusher
BROOKLYN: Scavenger is the leader, not Bonecrusher. *Grumbles* And you call yourself a Transfan.
CYRWAY: *looks at him and blinks*
and Razorclaw.
GECKO: And the Predacons didn't show up until Season Three!
You let Defensor, Superion, Computron
GECKO: Season Three!
and Omega Supreme
BROOKLYN: *monotone* Cameo, not appreciated.
make you look like incompetent weaklings.
CYRWAY: Considering Motormaster doesn't give a flying slot what Megatron thinks!
Do you guys need to go back to military academy?
BROOKLYN: I don't think Menasor can even read.
CYRWAY: Motormaster was in "Big Mutha Trucks..."
I hate failures especially when it concerns: Menasor, Bruticus, Devestator and Predaking.
CYRWAY: Points for using a colon correctly, but really, in dialogue?
GECKO: Speaking of colons...
BROOKLYN: Don't start!
Now get out of my sight." Megatron aims his cannon at his warriors.
GECKO: By this time, the troops are so used to it, they're desensitized by the gesture.
They retreat quickly because Megatron is really upset.
BROOKLYN: We kind of figured that one out ourselves, really.
Megatron sits down on his throne to
GECKO: What he does in the bathroom isn't our concern!
think up another vile scheme to destroy the Autobots.
CYRWAY: This looks like a job for...*fanfare* Simon Furman!
MegatroniaOne enters the meeting hall.
GECKO: *flatly* Say what?
StarScream begged her to talk some reason into Megatron.
CYRWAY: Starscream does not beg!
BROOKLYN: Unless his life is threatened.
CYRWAY: Too true.
"Good morning father,
GECKO: *Megatron* "Don't call me that, you miserable half–breed!"
I think you were a little bit rough on your warriors.
CYRWAY: They like it rough. Hell, Motormaster's a masochist!
Was it really necessary to threaten them with your fusion cannon?"
GECKO: And, with that, Megatron shoots her, the end.
Megatron glares at his daughter. "MegatroniaOne, I have to be tough on my troops. That is part of being a leader. If you do not approve of my methods tough!"
CYRWAY: Kill her and get over it.
MegatroniOne knows why Megatron is so upset, Star Ruby never showed up at the meeting. "You are mad because Star Ruby never showed up at your meeting.
BROOKLYN: Thanks for the redundant observation, Meg.
GECKO: I've been noticing a pattern myself.
Am I correct father?
CYRWAY: Kill her! She knows too much!
I also know that you love her;
BROOKLYN: Bah.
that does not bother me.
GECKO: The fact that he tried to push Pearl down the stairs when she was pregnant with MegatroniaOne doesn't bother her either...
By the way Star Ruby is still in her quarters and I am really worried about her."
BROOKLYN: Nightbird kicked her ass and she's sulking.
Megatron cools off because MegatroniaOne has a calming affect on him.
CYRWAY: I'll tell you what's affecting me right now... *Tosses a dictionary at the screen.*
"Alright MegatroniaOne, I will check on Star Ruby for you. I am sure she had a good reason for missing my latest meeting."
BROOKLYN: Probably because it was exactly the same as the past twelve meetings?
GECKO: Yeah, she got bored with you saying the same exact thing.
Megatron heads to my quarters and rings the door chime.
CYRWAY: Slot, she was doing the omniscient first person voice!
GECKO: I thought all fangirls were omniscient. *Looks over at Cyrway with a big grin.*
I wake up feeling worse.
BROOKLYN: Morning sickness.
I manage to make it to my door and open it before fainting.
CYRWAY: Budding has commenced...*cackles maniacally*
Megatron has lightning fast reflexes. He catches me so I do not injure myself. He carries me back to my recharging bed and lays me down on it.
GECKO: Where's the fighting?! "Body count body count body mutha–frellin' count!"
Megatron runs to get Hook because he is alarmed over my condition.
CYRWAY: *sinks in her seat and continues typing.*
Razormoon watches Megatron rush out of my quarters.
GECKO: I can see her cleavage through her cockpit.
She senses that something is not right.
BROOKLYN: *taps on his chair arm, propping his head on his fist.*
She decides to pay me a visit.
GECKO: It's the adventures of Seeker Girls Gone Tame!
Razormoon enters my room, she notices me resting. "Star Ruby, how are you feeling?
CYRWAY: "I made a terrible mistake!"
"I feel lousy Razormoon, I think that I have a serious case of malfunction.
BROOKLYN: I'd say she does.
I have a secret to share with you my friend.
CYRWAY: "I'm going to give birth to a ravaging virus...."
Megatron and I are very intimate with our relationship. He and I did a little experiment with interfacing last night.
GECKO: S&M bondage!
I hate to admit but I actually enjoyed the experience.
BROOKLYN: Let me guess, it was your first time.
I really felt one with him."
CYRWAY: Whatever happened to stories about casual, promiscuous sex?
Razormoon grins at me because she has a hunch what my problem is. "Star Ruby I believe that you are pregnant."
BROOKLYN: Well, thank you, Dr. Spock.
GECKO: It wasn't like it was painfully clear in the first place.
"What!? That is not possible because Decepticon femmes never reproduce.
CYRWAY: Yeah, but seeing this is some twisted fantasy of someone's happily–ever–after....
Primus only gave that ability to the Autobot femmes."
GECKO: Relying on a god is bad, mmmkay?
I realise that Razormoon is serious.
BROOKLYN: This is hard to swallow for us too.
"Oh, how am I going to explain that to Meggy?
GECKO: First, I'd recommend not calling him that.
He needs DeathCrystal,
ALL THREE: Who?
BROOKLYN: My guess, female gestalt.
GECKO: Ah, I can see it now, Menasor ends up getting Bruticus's sloppy seconds.
CYRWAY: Oh, Chaos!
how is she going to work without me, Razormoon?"
CYRWAY: I don't want to know. *Still typing.*
"Star Ruby, if Megatron truly loves you he will understand.
GECKO: If not, he'll just kill you.
I heard a rumour that he wants a Decepticon heir.
ALL THREE: Of course.
CYRWAY: So basically, he's using her. Works for me.
I will tell you this, Decepticon femmes of the future can have children. The history books mentions you being the first Decepticon femme to reproduce.
BROOKLYN: Ah, I wonder if she's from the future.
CYRWAY: *stops typing.* This fic stopped entertaining three minutes ago.
GECKO: Too bad Rico's gone the way of the Quiwee, Jamal's been fired, and Rosie's the Hurricane's sidekick.
If you want I can help you handle your pregnancy." I gladly say yes to her offer.
CYRWAY: Parasite, parasite, parasite...*cackles maniacally*
Razormoon leaves my room. She spots Hook and Megatron. "Hi Commander Megatron, I know what is wrong with Star Ruby. Star Ruby is pregnant.
BROOKLYN: *scribbles something on a placard, and holds it up for the Audience to see..."Help me!"*
I have to practice in the arena. See you later."
GECKO: Well, that's one way of breaking the news.
Megatron and Hook can hardly believe what they are hearing.
ALL THREE: Neither can we!
The duo run into my chamber.
GECKO: Followed by the Heero and the Trowa...
I am happy to see Hook. He runs a scanner on me.
CYRWAY: 300 dpi at 100%, with an 85lpi descreen....
"Megatron you are not going to believe this but Star Ruby is pregnant.
Razormoon was right about your mates condition.
BROOKLYN: The lack of commas and apostrophes are getting to me now.
Megatron you are going to be a father that is great because Decepticon femmes never had children before.
ALL THREE: WE KNOW! WE KNOW!!!
CYRWAY: Looking at it from Leige Maximo's point of view, they now have portable factories to breed new warriors.
There is hope for our side after all. Megatron? Megatron?" Hook spots Megatron out cold on the floor. Megatron fainted over the news that he is going to be a father.
GECKO: Okay, at least Magic's Megatron didn't faint.
BROOKLYN: Not to mention Magic knows how to use commas.
CYRWAY: STARSCREAM!!! NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO STRIKE!!!
This surprises Hook because he never dreamed that Megatron could faint. He uses an energon booster to wake Megatron up.
CYRWAY: Speed does a body good!
"Hook when will Star Ruby have her child?" Hook just shrugs his shoulders. "I am new to this Commander, I have no idea how long Star Ruby will be pregnant. Razormoon seems to know more about this than I. Maybe you should consult her about it."
GECKO and CYRWAY: *singing, off key* "When I seeeeeeeeee you smiiiiiile!"
Megatron has no problem finding Razormoon she is busy sparring with StarScream in the arena.
BROOKLYN: Starscream, on his hands and knees, begging her not to kill him.
"Razormoon I need to talk to you in private. It concerns one of my femmes."
CYRWAY: And no, it's not Nightbird! *Grumbles* Stupid Japanese built blowup dolls...
Razormoon grins because she has a hunch that the femme he is talking about is Me.
GECKO: Oh, now THAT'S modesty. Who does she think she is, Primus?
"See you later Scream, I have to talk to Megatron." She kisses StarScream on the mouth
GECKO: When she tastes the 100 proof on his breath, she knows...he's been kissing Arty.
BROOKLYN: He has this mentality that lushes are easy.
then leaves the arena following her Commander. StarScream sighs because he really loves Razormoon.
CYRWAY: We all know his one true love is himself, come on!
Razormoon and Megatron go to my chamber.
GECKO: *air guitars cheesy porn music*
I am awake thanks to the energon booster Hook gave me earlier. I am happy to see my friends. "Hello, Megatron and Razormoon, how nice of you to visit me."
BROOKLYN: *scribbles something on the placard, and holds it up again. This time, "Help" is crossed out, and "Kill" is replaced, added, in frantic underline, "Please!"*
Razormoon explains to Megatron and I how long it takes a Decepticon femme to gestate. I groan because four Cybertronian months is a long time. Megatron just pats me on the shoulders. "Thank you for the information Razormoon, I will make sure that Star Ruby gets all the necessary energon to handle her pregnancy.
BROOKLYN: *starts snoring*
You can go back and see StarScream."
GECKO: To further kick his ass for kissing the lush.
Razormoon leaves my chamber feeling great because she will get to see a baby Decepticon in the near future.
CYRWAY: *chuckles darkly.*
GECKO: Oh, we have to do it...
She will help me have my baby when it is due.
GIR: *lands on top of Gecko.* Hiiiiiii!
Megatron gives me a hug. "Star Ruby, I am happy for the both of us. I am glad to have the chance to have a true Decepticon heir.
CYRWAY: Figures. Poor MegatroniaOne.
GECKO: Dropping her on the head when she was a child didn't help things, either.
GIR: I want a cookie!
I love you Ruby, will you marry me?" Megatron gives me a pleading look.
MAIN THREE groan loudly, exasperated.
CYRWAY and GECKO: *chanting* Body count! Body count! Body count!
GIR: *loudly* What's going on?
"Alright Meggy, I will marry you because I love you too."
CYRWAY: Spare me this romantic nonsense!
GECKO: Says the recently engaged woman...
Megatron and I kiss.
GECKO: *Billy Idol, "White Wedding"* "It's a nice day for a white wedding...!"
Megatron makes his announcement to all of his troops. "Decepticons, as you all know I am allowed to marry a femme.
CYRWAY: Congratulations, Screamer! You'll make a beautiful bitch––I mean bride!
GIR: Screamer's getting married! Yay! *Holds up a box.* I got cheesy poofs!
That has been a tradition for Decepticon Commanders for millions of years.
GECKO: Whatever happened to rape and pillage? I tell you, things were so much better when Liege Maximo was in charge.
I am going to marry Star Ruby, she is worthy enough to be my wife."
CYRWAY: She'll be the first in his harem...wait, I think Magic came first...
GIR: My wife's a toaster oven!
The Decepticons cheer because Megatron is getting married.
CYRWAY: They're thinking of the bachelor party.
GECKO: Otherwise, why would they care?
GIR: Elita One's gonna pop out of the cake!
StarScream is the only Decepticon not happy because he never knew that I was dating Megatron.
GECKO: Well, of course, he's jealous!
CYRWAY: That and Megatron was seeing him at the same time.
GIR: Too bad, Screamer. *Holds the box up again.* Want some Cheesy Poofs?
He dislikes the idea of Me
CYRWAY: There's the Primus complex again.
marrying Megatron. He must find a way to interfere with that wedding.
GECKO: Starscream's doing something right for a change!
Four months go by fast I forget that I am pregnant.
CYRWAY: CLUTCH!!!
I hardly even look it.
GECKO: Of course not, you're a robot.
GIR: I may be pregnant. *Looks down and pokes his midsection. A timer sounds off.* Done! *Opens his head and pulls out a beanie baby race car.* Awww...I'll name him Jeff.
Razormoon and I design my wedding gown.
CYRWAY: What the hell...?
GECKO: Hey, if Nightbeat can wear a trench coat and fedora––wait, you're right. That's just silly.
I grin because the pattern on it is pretty.
CYRWAY: *slashes upward the hand with the Freddy glove on.* It is made from the flesh of humans. *Cackles maniacally*
I have a matching tiara and vail to go with it.
CYRWAY: Made from human bones...
GECKO: Okay, this is obviously some little girl's fantasy.
GIR: Cheesy poof?
"Razormoon something is bothering me. StarScream has been giving me the cold brother routine.
GECKO: And yet he hasn't killed you yet. Pity.
I get the impression that he doesn't want me to marry Meggy.
CYRWAY: *continues typing.*
GIR: Whatcha writing?
CYRWAY: Sunstorm/Cosmos shonnen ai.
GIR: Why?
CYRWAY: For a bad fic contest.
GIR: Why?
CYRWAY: Because I want to.
GIR: Why?
I do not want him to interfere. Could you keep a close eye on him for me?" Razormoon knows StarScream very well.
GECKO: Everyone knows Starscream very well...or at least think they do...
CYRWAY: Make him smell Arty's breath. That'll knock him out for a couple of hours.
"Star Ruby, do not worry I will talk to Screamer. He does not like it when I get angry with him.
CYRWAY: Razormoon smash bitch–bot!
GECKO: *to Cyrway* Gir's being too quiet, Ace.
GIR: *cuddles the plushie racecar.* That's a good Jeffie...
He will not ruin your wedding." Thankyou Razormoon."
CYRWAY: CLUTCH!
Megatron's wedding day arrives. He has an Autobot guest. His Decepticons managed to kidnap Optimus Prime.
CYRWAY twitches.
"Megatron, why have you kidnapped me?" Optimus Prime's eyes blaze bright blue when he is angry.
GECKO: The easier to kill you, my old friend. *Cackles maniacally*
"I need you to do me a little favour. I promise to release you after the favour is complete." Optimus glares at Megatron. "What do you want from me and what is the favour you require?"
GECKO, CYRWAY, and GIR: "When I seeeeeee you smile!" *an anvil falls on
GIR's head.*
GIR: *sighs contently*
"Optimus Prime I need you to perform a bonding ceremony for me.
GECKO: Moonie smut!
I am going to marry Star Ruby. Do that for me and I will let you leave after the ceremony. This is no Decepticon trick,
GECKO: See, even he admits the deception part.
you would be wise to oblige me."
CYRWAY: Refuse, and he'll kill you. Accept, and you'll be humiliated for the rest of your existence.
This news surprises Optimus Prime. He never knew that Megatron could love.
GECKO: That's what he said in Trichess too.
CYRWAY: Of course, I'm still standing by the "he's only using them" explanation.
"Alright I will perform the bonding ceremony for you."
"Excellent, the wedding will be in the afternoon. MotorMaster take Prime to a temporary guest room.
CYRWAY: So they're going to play Big Mutha Trucks while they wait.
I must get ready for my wedding."
GECKO: *takes Brooklyn's sign, scribbles on it, and holds it up. "Kill Me Please" has now been edited to "Kill Me Swiftly and Painlessly, preferably by a fusion cannon, please!"
Optimus Prime is still in a mild case of shock because his arch enemy is getting married.
GECKO: You're not the only one. *Looks over at Brooklyn.* Damn, he's a deep sleeper.
CYRWAY: *pokes Brooklyn.* Dude, I think he's stoned.
GECKO: That's impossible, he doesn't turn to stone in space!
The afternoon arrives, Megatron is wondering what is keeping me.
CYRWAY: The dress had been sized four months prior.
I never am late for anything.
CYRWAY: Save for important meetings.
Soundwave plays the wedding tune.
GECKO: And just as I thought it couldn't get worse, it did.
CYRWAY: Let me guess...Rumble's the ring bearer and Ravage is the flower kitty.
Megatron sighs with relief because I finally have shown up. StarScream reluctantly gives me away to Megatron.
GECKO: So much for his plan to stop the wedding.
CYRWAY: *types feverishly*
Optimus Prime finds me attractive.
GECKO: Well, THAT was pointless. And egotistical.
"Do you Megatron, take Star Ruby to be your bonding partner; to love and cherish her, to honour and protect her, as long as you both shall live?"
CYRWAY: *snores loudly.*
GECKO: I hope this isn't what you do on your wedding day.
Megatron looks at me and says "I do." Optimus Prime asks me the same question. "Do you Star Ruby, take Megatron to be your bonding partner; to love and cherish him, to honour and protect him, as long as you both shall live?" I look at Megatron and reply, "I do."
GECKO: Yep. Definitely a giggling girl fantasy. *Blinks, sees Brooklyn stoned, GIR squashed, and Cyrway sleeping.* Oh, Christ, not again.
"Then the power given to me by the Matrix, may Primus grant you eternal love and happiness. You may kiss your bonding partner."
GECKO: Whatever happened to "any objections?!"
Megatron and I kiss, the entire assembly cheers wildly. The other Decepticon femmes cry at my wedding.
GECKO: And Arty's at the reception hall, spiking the punch with 80 proof.
They find me lucky because I am bonded to the most powerful Decepticon of them all. They envy me.
GECKO: Oh, please. *Kicks Cyrway.* Don't do this to me again.
I toss my tiara behind my back. Razormoon manages to snag it and grin. She is the next to get bonded.
GECKO: Rhetoric: would it be just as bad if it were Autobots getting married?
CYRWAY: *yawning* I'm thinking we should have had the B–Team heckling this fic.
GECKO: Granted, it would have been more explosive.
Megatron removes one of my chest clips and toss it.
BOTH stare slackjaw at the screen.
GECKO: What the hell...?
Would you believe that Hook caught it. If Hook could blush he would have been extra dark green.
GECKO: Which means he has to put it on Razormoon.
Megatron keeps his word. He releases Optimus Prime to return to the Autobots.
CYRWAY: Who is forever scarred from the incident.
The Decepticons throw a huge party.
GECKO: And everyone gets sloshed.
CYRWAY: And it turns into one big orgy.
I am feeling uncomfortable. Megatron notices my discomfort. "Star Ruby, what is it? Are you alright my beloved?"
GECKO: *turns the placard over, scribbles on it, and holds it up, now reading "Snipe Me Heero! I beg of you!"*
I give Megatron glazed optics and groan.
CYRWAY: "The wedding cake's giving me indigestion!"
Razormoon, heard me groan. "Megatron, Star Ruby is in labour.
GECKO: And now do you know this?!
CYRWAY: Because she's the author...duh.
Lets take her to Hook's office immediately before she gets everyones attention." Hook spots Megatron and Razormoon carrying me out of the party room. He knows that something is wrong.
GECKO: "Wrong" being the operative word.
Hook arrives at his office before Megatron, Razormoon and I. He prepares a bed for me. "Hook, Star Ruby is in labour."
BOTH: Yes, yes, we know!
GECKO: Christ! Where's the fighting?!
Hook replies, "I know,
GECKO: Good! We're not the only ones!
I am ready to help her." I gasp because the pain is unbearable.
Hook puts restraining clamps on me to make sure I do not hurt myself. Hook removes part of my armor, he has Razormoon try and calm me down.
CYRWAY: Break out the painkillers!
GECKO: *grins wickedly as both crouch in their seats.*
Megatron quickly returns to the party before anyone notices him missing.
"Star Ruby you have pain nullifiers use them. It will reduce the labour pains." I obey Razormoon because she is right. I activate my pain nullifiers.
CYRWAY: She had to be told to do that?
I stop crying because the pain has stopped. Two metal plates shift on my belly, Hook removes my infant out of me.
GECKO: Well, that was easy.
I sigh with relief because the process is over. My body returns to its normal shape.
CYRWAY: *Cackles* Here comes the Swarm!
BOTH: *loudly in false baritones, singing to the tune of the theme to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.* ATTACK OF THE KILLER PLACENTA! AAAAAATTACK OF THE KILLER PLAAAAAAAACENTA!
It is hard to believe that I just had a baby.
CYRWAY: It's "Rosemary's Baby" all over again!
Hook cleans my baby. He tells me that I just gave birth to a daughter.
GECKO: In ten years, Star Ruby is going to go nuts and throw herself into a volcano.
She looks like me only Megatron's colours. Hook places my infant onto my chest I giggle because my daughter is beautiful.
BOTH still sing the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Parody.
Megatron returns to the hospital.
CYRWAY: *as Gecko continues to sing* Only to be devoured by the Swarm. *Continues singing*
Hook tells him that I gave birth to a daughter.
GECKO: And a virus that will wipe out all of Cybertron–kind.
That news pleases Megatron. He enters my room to see the new Decepticon.
"Hi Ruby, can I see our daughter?" I grin at my husband and hand him our daughter.
CYRWAY: Look, she has your trigger!
Megatron grins at his heir. "Star Ruby, our daughter reminds me of Pearl. What have you named her?"
CYRWAY: Sadako Yamahara. *Cackles maniacally*
I grin at Megatron and reply, "I named her Pearl because she reminded me of your former mate."
GECKO: You never met her!
"Ruby, this is one of the best wedding gifts I could ask for."
GECKO: That's so very redneck of you, Megatron.
Megatron and I are happy to be parents.
CYRWAY: And MegatroniaOne's pushed out in the cold!
The End
BOTH: Thank Primus! *Leave the theatre, still singing the song at the top of their lungs, abandoning Brooklyn and Gir.*
*countdown and return to the Bridge, where Arin is watching the viewscreen.*
NEWSCASTER: ...Jason Voorhees and his blushing bride Sadako Yamahara will be honeymooning on the shores of Crystal Lake...congratulations, you crazy youngsters!
ARIN: That was seriously buggered...*turns her head to the sound of Cyrway and Gecko still singing "The Attack of the Killer Placenta." Okay, mates, do I really want to know...?
GECKO: A fanfiction about premarital sex and shotgun weddings, followed by the birth of the true Decepticon heir named "Pearl."
ARIN: And here I thought I was a fangirl creation...
NEWSCASTER: In other news, the pedophilia lawsuit against Freddy Krueger by Charles "Chucky" Ray has been dropped due to lack of sufficient, not to mention credible, evidence. Says spokesperson for Ray, Kreuger had sexually assaulted the boy in a nightmare; Kreuger's lawyers, however, rebutted with the facts that the accusation lacks any credible and physical evidence, not to mention the fact that Ray is, in fact, a 35–year–old inside the body of a doll. The case was thrown out earlier today.
CYRWAY: Okay, that's REALLY twisted.
GECKO: Not as twisted as this. *Hands her a Totally Twisted Iced Tea.*
CYRWAY: Nothing like an alcoholic beverage to deaden the shock of a fangirl fanfiction. *An empty Budweiser can bounces off her head.*
ARTEMIS: I've got news for you, Ace; it's not working. *Cocks her gun and sulks off.* If anyone needs me, I'm hunting Starscream.