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Updated 11/4/04
Most of these are funny passages from some of the episodes I've seen, but some of them are serious. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Btw, this is your spoiler warning. So be warned of spoilers.
Jack: I was right?
HATHOR Season 1 ep. #13
Daniel: Hathor was known as the Goddess of fertility, and also as the goddess of herbal healing and music.
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SOLITUDES Season 1 ep. #17
Sam: Don't move, sir. I think your leg is broken.
Daniel (to Teal'c): What happens when you dial your own phone number? (Teal'c gives him a blank look, clearly not understanding) Wrong
person to ask. (to Hammond) What happens when you dial your own phone number?
PRISONERS Season 2 ep. #3
(this is General Hammond's first trip through the event horizon of the Stargate)
SECRETS Season 2 ep. #9
Jack: If you're gonna print this, there's one thing you've gotta know. O'Neill-two l's. There's
another O'Neil with one l and he has no sense of humor at all.
THE FIFTH RACE Season 2 ep. #15
Jack: Teal'c looked. I looked. I passed out. I came to. We're here. We're home. Can we go?
Jack: I swear, there is nothing crovis with me.
HOLIDAY Season 2 ep. #17
Jack: Okay...What was your sister wearing when I took her out on a date last week?
General George Hammond: So how'd it go?
Jack (in Teal'c's body): Teal'c, what are you doing?
INTO THE FIRE Season 3 ep. #1
Hammond: Yee-hah!
DEADMAN SWITCH Season 3 ep. #7
Jack: So Tealc, how does one Goa'uld fire weapons from several directions?
FOREVER IN A DAY Season 3 ep. #10
Daniel: Everytime we went through the Stargate, I kept thinking that this would be the one, that on this planet I'd find my wife. Now I found
her. I can't keep going through the Stargate anymore. I hope you understand that.
FOOTHOLD Season 3 ep. #14
Sam: "Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week. Couldn't you have taken one day off?"
Sam: And you agreed to this?
(Jack walks up to the guards in front of Teal'c's holding cell)
Jack: (to Maybourne): "Nice save."
URGO Season 3 ep. #16
(Teal'c drinks an entire jug of hot coffee)
(Urgo is invisible to everyone except SG-1)
Jack: There is no way I could have sung that. I don't even know the words to row, row, row your boat...
Urgo: I won't say anything else, not a single word. You won't even know I'm here, I promise. (he covers his eyes with his hands) I'll be like a
little, tiny mouse, not a peep. (he drops his hands, as if he has a sudden revelation) Hey, I know. How about we play a game. It's a very good
game, where you pick a word from a dictionary and everyone guesses what the word means. I think you'll like it. And it's quite educational, too.
(a man who looks just like Urgo walks in)
NEMESIS Season 3 ep. #22
(Teal'c is about to go outside an Asgard ship in a space suit. Jack is testing the radio transmission between the radio in Teal'c's suit and the
walkie-talkie on Jack's shirt.)
Teal'c: Then Thor was correct. We are all going to die.
SMALL VICTORIES Season 4 ep. #1
Sam: The Asgard had this big new ship, the O'Neill.
THE OTHER SIDE Season 4 ep. #2
Jack (to Teal'c): "You have that look."
WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY Season 4 ep. #6
Jack: I ask you, what could possibly be in my eyes that would explain this?
Jack (to an alien archeologist): What kind of archeologist carries a weapon?
(during the fourth loop. Sam is about to start her presentation about SG-1's latest mission)
Teal'c: "Should we not be assisting Daniel Jackson with the translation?"
Daniel: Are you guys getting this, because this is important.
Hammond: Colonel, what the hell are you doing!?
Hammond: Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?
THE FIRST ONES Season 4 ep. #8
Sam: I wonder where they went?
BENEATH THE SURFACE Season 4 ep. #10
Jack: I remember something-a man. He's bald, and wears a short-sleeve shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.
Jack: I remember feeling...feelings.
SG team leader: I can't dispute that, sir, not on a diplomatic level.
POINT OF NO RETURN Season 4 ep. #11
Jack: Okay, the truth. There is a top secret government project called Project Stargate. But, it has nothing to do with space travel.
(Later on, Jack is watching The Day the Earth Stood Still in his motel room. There is a whiring noise in the background. Suddenly
the whiring stops. A dark-skinned hand enters the frame, and Jack hands it more coins. The camera pans back to reveal Teal'c, who then
walks back to his bed, lies down, and inserts the money into the vibrating machine).
SERPENT'S VENOM Season 4 ep. #14
Daniel: Or we didn't program it correctly.
Jacob: I'm pretty sure we've got the primary systems back on-line.
THE LIGHT Season 4 ep. #18
Jack: Nice digs. Kind of remind me of my first apartment.
PRODIGY Season 4 ep. #19
Cadet Haley: Cool.
ENTITY Season 4 ep. #20
Jack: Who put her in charge?
EXODUS Season 4 ep. #22
Jack: I knew this was a bad idea. Didn't I say that? I said, "General, this is not a good idea."
THRESHHOLD Season 5 ep. #2
Daniel: Did he just call me a woman?
ASCENSION Season 5 ep. #3
Jack: Teal'c's seen it, what, eight times?
RITE OF PASSAGE Season 5 ep. #6
Cassandra: I'm different now.
PROVING GROUND Season 5 ep. #13
Cadet Elliot: You knew about this.
48 HOURS Season 5 ep. #14
Jack (over intercom, to Sam): Are you sure you want to be down there?
Sam: Teal'c, what's the last thing you remember?
Daniel: I'm...stealing Yu's cargo ship.
FAIL SAFE Season 5 ep. #17
Jack: I'm confident.
Jack: Oh, come on. We came. We saw. We planted the bomb. We had fun with a meteor shower. We went home. It's a great story.
Sam: I was right.
REVELATIONS Season 5 ep. #22
Jack (to Carter): Next time, I get to be the hologram.
REDEMPTION PART I Season 6 ep. #1
Sam: You think you could spare a few hours?
Bra'tac: He directs his malice toward you because he believes you doubt him as much as he doubts himself.
FROZEN Season 6 ep. #4
Jack: "Doh!" (slaps himself on the forehead)
NIGHTWALKERS Season 6 ep. #5
Teal'c: I have a sufficient understanding of humans.
UNNATURAL SELECTION Season 6 ep. #12
Thor: The contents of your armory at Stargate Command, along with appropriate attire, food, and other supplies you may require are now being transported aboard this vessel.
Jack: They didn't go for it.
(Jack opens the door of Cargo Bay 3 where food is stored. He finds Teal'c and Jonas sitting on crates, digging into cartons of ice cream.)
METAMORPHOSIS Season 6 ep. #16
(Nirrti and Jonas sit side-by-side on a bed. Jonas is turned away from Nirrti. Nirrti is leaning against his shoulder and rubbing her hand up
and down his skin seductively.)
FRAGILE BALANCE Season 7 ep. #3
(Clone Jack, Hammond, and Carter are standing in a holding cell. Daniel walks in and looks at Clone Jack)
Daniel: Jack's account reminds me of a number of UFO abduction casefiles I've read.
Teal'c: Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
Daniel: Well, there's no easy way to tell you this, so...Sam's going to come right out and say it.
Clone Jack: Look, I know you don't think I am...who I am. But as far as I'm concerned, I am...who...I am.
Jack: What are you all doing in my bedroom?
(Clone Jack is floating a few feet above the ground. He is in an Asgard ship. Loki approaches.)
Clone Jack looks for a way to get down from his floating position. He looks up at the device above him. He shoots at it with the zat. The energy field that was holding him releases him. Clone Jack falls to the ground, off-screen.
(Clone Jack looks at the original Jack)
Jack: How long was I asleep?
Loki: No, no, this is all wrong...
Loki: I was stripped of my status after I was caught performing unsantioned experiments on humans.
Clone Jack: So much for massively superior intellect.
Thor: Are you sure you wish him [Clone Jack] to live?
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and Stargate: The Movie belong to Richard Dean Anderson, Michael Greenburg, Stargate(II) Productions,
Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Products. Any copyright infringements were not intended. This site
was created for entertainment and not for profit.
To contact me, e-mail me at sword_girl@lycos.com.
Jack: No, my leg's definitely broken.
Hammond (hesitating): Are you sure they dialed the right address?
SG-3 team member (smiles): Yes, sir.
Hammond (muttering; referring to SG-1): The things I do for these people.
(everyone stares at him)
Daniel: What was that?
Jack: What was what?
Daniel: You just said that there's nothing 'crovis' with you.
Jack: Did not.
Daniel: Did.
Jack: Didn't.
Daniel: Did.
Jack: Crovis? What is that?
Daniel: I don't know. Um, I'm guessing from the context of what you were saying, you were trying to say there
was nothing wrong with you.
Daniel (in Machello's body): I don't have a sister, Jack, and if I did I wouldn't let you near her.
Teal'c (in Jack's body): It did not go well, General Hammond.
Jack (in Teal'c's body): Ya think?
(Teal'c, in Jack's body, puts the scissors down)
Teal'c: If I am to remain in this body, I must shave my head.
Teal'c: Tacs.
Jack: Tacnicketels?
Tealc: Tacunitagaminituron.
(the others look at him with their eyebrows raised.)
Teal'c (sighing): Tacs.
Jack: Yes.
Sam (to Col. Maybourne): Shouldn't that tell you something?
Jack: "I've come to see the bald prisoner."
(they let him in. The guards leave the door open and stand in and out of the door)
Jack (to Teal'c): "You will come with me."
Teal'c: "I will submit to no further experiments."
Jack: "Oh, but you will."
(Teal'c looks up at him. Jack raises an eyebrow. The two guards exchange a puzzled look).
Jack (to the guards): "I'll take it from here."
Guard #1: "We can't allow that, sir."
Jack: "Oh, but you can."
(he shoots them with his zat gun. Teal'c smiles and stands up.)
Teal'c : "Colonel O'Neill, I presume."
Jack: "Yea. What gave it away?"
Jack: Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.
Sam: I can't play right now, Urgo. Go bother Col. O'Neill. I don't care if I'm 'it,' I have work to do.
Hammond: Captain?
Sam: Sorry, sir. Just talking to Urgo.
Hammond: I see.
Sam: Oh, I wish you did.
(Janet plays the security tape showing Jack singing just that)
Jack: Okay, if you call that singing.
Urgo: As handsome as he is evil.
Jack: Say something.
Teal'c: One small step for Jaffa.
Jack: Very nice.
Jack: Oh, Teal'c, lighten up. We've been in these situations before.
Sam: No, sir, we haven't.
Jack: We haven't?
Jack O'Neill (perking up): Oh yeah?
Sam: But...we had to blow it up.
Jack (disappointed): Oh.
Teal'c: "To what look are you referring to, O'Neill?"
Daniel: "The look that says, "I have misgivings about this mission, but deep down I know we're doing the right thing?"
Jack: "No, the other one."
Daniel: "Oh."
Daniel: Uh...I do.
Jack: Bad example.
Jack: All right, here's the deal.
(everyone looks at him and Teal'c)
Jack: We're all stuck in a time loop of some kind. However, Teal'c and I seem to be the only ones who realize it. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with a device on six thirty-nine. It shoots a beam at the Stargate, which...uh...subspace something...
Teal'c: ...accesses the subspace field the Stargate is capable of generating. It is powered by ionization.
Jack: In the atmosphere, right. Which is caused by...ah, I know this one...magnets.
Teal'c: ...the geo-magnetic storm.
Jack: Close. Anyway, I don't know why none of you remember anything, but I do know for a fact, there's no point in having ole Doc Frasier examine us again.
(Sam, Daniel, and Hammond exchange looks)
(cut to the next scene. Dr. Frasier is giving Jack and Teal'c a physical)
Jack (to Dr. Frasier, clearly irritated): I ask you: what could possibly be in my eye that would explain this?
Jack: "Nope. I'm taking this loop off."
(Jack and Teal'c play golf through the Stargate)
Jack: So exactly how far away is Alaris, anyway?
Teal'c: Several billion miles, O'Neill.
Jack: That's gotta be a record.
Jack: In the middle of my back swing!
Jack: Handing you my resignation.
Sam: Resigning? What for?
(Jack looks at his watch. The time loop is about to start all over again.)
Jack: So I can do this.
(He grabs Sam and kisses her hard, then swoops her down right before the loop ends, much to the astonishment of both Sam and Hammond)
Teal'c: This way.
(he points to a sign that says 'This Way.' Above the message is an arrow pointing deeper into the cave)
Jack: You're good.
Sam: Feelings. For me?
Jack (as if saying 'duh'): No, for Tor.
Hammond: Off the record.
SG team leader: There is nothing out there, sir. I don't see any reason Major Carter or Dr. Jackson might have to even want to go out there. And even if they did, there's no way Col. O'Neill would let them.
Hammond: Administrator Hallbrath says they did.
SG team leader: Well, then I'd say he's a damn liar.
Martin Lloyd: What does it have to do with, then?
Jack (with a straight face): Magnets.
Martin Lloyd: What is that supposed to mean?
Jack: Nope. I've already said too much.
(Jacob, Sam, and Jack stare at him, their expressions filled with disbelief and exasperation)
Daniel: I'm pretty sure we programmed it correctly.
Daniel: Good, 'cause I don't think they're buying my cover story.
Jacob: Who did you say you were?
Daniel (grinning): The great and powerful Oz.
(Jacob rolls his eyes in exasperation)
Jack: I said that. Didn't I say that?
Hammond: The U. S. Air Force.
Teal'c: In medical matters, Dr. Frasier may overrule anyone no matter what their rank.
Jack (to Daniel): I'm not getting all my memos.
Teal'c: I distinctly remember you saying that, O'Neill.
Jack: Yep, I believe he did.
Teal'c: Nine times.
Jack: Nine times. And you know, if Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be good.
Sam: You've never seen Star Wars before?
Jack: Well...you know me and Sci-Fi.
(she holds out her hand, and a knight chess piece flies into her palm)
Sam (surprised): How did you do that?
Cassandra: I just...thought it. I thought I wanted a knight, and it flew into my hand. Jack calls
them horses.
Sam: Yeah, well, that's Col. O'Neill for ya.
Cassandra: He always pretends he's not as smart as he really is.
Sam: Ya know, if you take a closer look they really are horses. (she smiles)
(later on, in the Briefing room. SG-1, General Hammond, and Dr. Frasier watch the security tape
recording of Sam's and Cassandra's conversation)
Hammond: How could she do that?
Jack: Magnets.
(everyone looks at him)
Jack: Magnets. Every little one of those pieces have got a magnet to hold it on the board-like when
you're driving so that they don't roll off-anyway, every one of those have an electrical field
around it. That's how she was able to manipulate them. Magnets.
(everyone keeps staring at him)
Jack: They do look like horses.
Cadet Halley: Of course I knew. How do you think I was able to fake the alien cells?
Cadet Elliot: I'm going to kill you.
Tech (turns to face Jack): No, sir.
Jack (taken aback): Wasn't talking to you.
Sam: Sir, if this goes off, it won't matter where we are.
Jack (now worried): Right.
Teal'c: Tanith is dead. I have had my revenge.
Jack (pats him on the shoulder): Good for you.
LAST STAND Season 5 ep. #16
Jacob: You know how to fly that thing?
Daniel: Well, I've flown a mothership. How hard can it be?
Daniel: Me, too.
Teal'c: As am I.
(he looks around at his team. Teal'c and Daniel look anywhere but at him)
Jack: Isn't it?
Daniel: This could be a problem.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Jack: I don't want to hear it.
Sam: Sir, the asteroid's core is composed almost entirely of naquada.
Jack: Of course it is.
Sam: It makes up about 45% of the total mass.
Daniel: Of course it does.
Jonas: Sure. For what?
Sam: Well, you're been here for three months. General Hammond thought you might like to finally leave the base.
Jonas: Yes, that would be great. Where are we going?
Sam: Nevada.
Jonas: Oh, clear skies, seventy-three degrees.
Sam: There are at least five hundred other channels, you know.
Teal'c: Why would he believe such a thing?
Bra'tac: Because you are his father, and you have not told him otherwise.
Teal'c: What is it, O'Neill?
Jack: I forgot to tape The Simpsons.
(Teal'c raises an eyebrow)
Jack (defensive): It's important to me.
Jonas: But you'll never be one of them.
Teal'c: This is not my home. When my time with SG-1 is done, I will return to Chulak with my son.
Jonas: I guess that's the difference between you and me. I don't think I'll ever go back.
Jack: I hope you did the paperwork.
Sam: They didn't approve the mission?
Jack: Oh no, they did that. Once they knew the stakes and the Fate of the Universe stuff, both the President and Hammond realized
we had no choice. He sends good luck, godspeed, and all those things he says when he thinks we're going to die.
Sam: So what didn't they go for?
Jack: The name I suggested.
Sam: For the ship.
Jack: Yeah.
Sam: Sir, we can't call it the Enterprise.
Jack: Why not?
Sam: The codename for the project is Prometheus. What's wrong with that?
Jack: It's a Greek tragedy. Who wants that?
Sam: Okay. The X-303 it is then.
Jack: Yeah.
Jack: You guys trying to make yourselves sick?
Nirrti: I could make you more powerful than you can imagine. Powers you have seen in the others are only a fraction of what I could give you.
Jonas: Wow, that is...definitely the most interesting offer I've had in a very long time. But you can't risk giving me those kinds of powers unless you're certain I won't use them against you.
Nirrti: Once I share those powers, we could rull the galaxy-together.
Jonas: What about everyone else?
Nirrti: Unnecessary.
Jonas: Wow. I can only imagine what it would be like to have powers like that. (to himself) Would what I do?
(Nirrti begins to smile)
Jonas: I guess the first thing I would do would be to free my friends and all those other people you've got caged up there. And then I would destroy you.
(Nirrti pulls away, angry.)
Jonas: Not necessarily in that order, but you get the idea.
Daniel: This is the security breach?
Clone Jack: Daniel! Will you tell them who I am? Please?
Daniel: Okay, love to. Who are you?
Hammond: This young man claims he's Colonel O'Neill.
Daniel: This is a joke, right?
(Carter is half-way between a smile and a grimace. She shakes her head 'no')
Daniel: What's going on?
Clone Jack: Daniel!
Daniel: Sounds like him, least the loud, grating part.
Clone Jack: This you remember. My birthday you forget.
Daniel: ...Looks like you'll have a lot more.
Clone Jack: Hey, come on, that Salsa's still good.
Loki: Hello. Do not be afraid.
(Clone Jack shoots him with a Zat)
Next shot. Jack is lying on the ground, moaning.
Clone Jack: Wow, uh, I'm really much taller than I think.
Carter: Seven days.
Jack (tilts an eyebrow): That's a record.
Jack: Hey! I'll tell you what's wrong. I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out that you stole my ass and made a...mini me! Carter, I should be urked currently, yes?
Jack (incredulous): What, you've got sanctioned ones?
Jack: I was going to say that.
(Jack doesn't answer. Clone Jack stares at him and snaps his fingers, getting Jack's attention. Jack looks at him)
Jack: I'm thinking.
