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Title: Pain and Christmas

Author: Heather


Summary: Daniel thinks of Christmas and his life.

Pairing: None

Spoilers: lots!!!!!

Season: 8

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: none

Category: angst and hurt with no comfort.

Disclaimers: I don't own Stargate SG-1 or Dr. Daniel Jackson, but hey, what can I say? I'm just a fan girl dreaming of owning them, and what else can I do?

A/N: This is a sad fic, so grab a box of tissues and enjoy

Feedback: Yes, please, it always makes my day!!!

 Christmas Eve............. it's supposed to be a day of happiness, the day before the biggest holiday of the year. But all it ever did for Daniel was bring back the pain of everyone. He could remember all the different Christmases he had, especially the ones he had with his parents in Egypt.  They didn't have snow or a tree, but they still had each other, and they shared gifts. God, he missed those Christmases; the ones he spent with his mom's hugs and the dinners she cooked for them, and all the different stories she told him as he went to sleep being cradled in her arms.


 The Christmases after their deaths were hard, being placed in foster home after foster home, always feeling like he shouldn't be there with that family and knowing that he wasn't a real part of their lives.


 Then he stayed with his grandfather, Nick, but they never had Christmas; no gifts or smiles.  It was just another day to him, not that he ever did anything for any holidays. They didn't even have dinner in the same room or at the same time.


 Then he went to college were he spent his first few Christmases he had doing research, trying to find out about the history of the world and trying to forget his own. He could remember watching everyone else get packed up, all of them so happy to go home and see their families who were at home missing them and couldn't wait for them to come home. There he was, one of the top students in the whole school, and he would go nowhere.  He would spend it alone, at first studying, and then he would go back to his dorm and do what he could never do as a kid: drink himself to sleep.


 Then there was the Christmas he spent with Sarah. He had spent the morning making his dorm perfect for her.  He had even gotten a small tree about a foot tall and put the necklace he had gotten for her underneath it. There was a new bottle of red wine on the table which was also dressed for the night with candles and silver. He had 2 dozen roses waiting for her, and when she had come over it was the best Christmas he had had since the death of his parents. It was a beautiful night of romance and love making.


 But by next Christmas she was gone, and he was alone again, so he'd spent it like the ones he spent before he was with Sarah.


 Then there was the year he had spent on Abydos; the year he had spent with his beloved wife Sha're. Of course she had no idea what Christmas was; he had to teach her and the rest of the Abydonians, but when they got the idea of it they’d throw a grand feast and everyone exchanged gifts. It was one of the most beautiful things Daniel had ever seen. He had traded for a ring earlier that week so he could it to Sha’re, and when he did she was so happy.  It was another one of the most beautiful things that he had ever seen. And as then night wore on, it got more and more beautiful.


 But then she was stolen from him, and he had spent almost three years hoping to find her. Those Christmases he had spent crying, as he had many other nights. But he had not spent one of those Christmases alone; no, Sam had been there, trying to stop him, never ending trying.  They did find Sha're, but not in the way he wanted.  He lost her at the same time as getting her back.


 Christmas was pain and pain was Christmas, and now he sat half drunk at this pathetic Christmas party at Jack’s house five years after Sha're's death. Sam was across the room talking to Jack - the man she loved, the man who had always wanted her to spend Christmas with him but she always said no, so that she could be with him as he cried, every year the same tears.

 She was looked over at him.  It looked like she had said something to Jack, and then she moved across the room to Daniel. Who couldn’t see that Jack was disappointed that she had left him to go over to Daniel? He looked up to see Sam was now standing over him.

 "Hey, Danny, you want to go home?"


She put her hand on top of his and he nodded, the same as ever year.

 The pain was a part of him and a part of Christmas.  And so Christmas must be pain and pain must be Christmas.