tried to do this earlier but had nothing to say. just one of those days where i feel all my energy fading into the shadows, as if part of me has left with out saying goodbye or at least leaving a note. i feel like a jangled ghost of myself sitting in the middle of a dark graveyard, all the headstones and bare tree branches scratched out in grey and white and cold but not because it's december but because of absence. and i read all these things other people write and wonder why i bother writing anything at all. i will never be a published author. never. even if i had the balls to submit stuff, nothing is good enough for publication, despite how much i liked writing it or like rereading what i wrote. sometimes i wanna take down my website out of embarrassment and vow never to write again, but i've felt that way innumerable times in the 18 years i've been writing, and i always come back to it. i'm in the middle of something of a block. after nanowrimo, i wrote two short stories, cucumber and indian summer halloween, both of which had been bothering me all november. then i put this year's nano crap on my website. since then i've been writing bits about a story i've wanted to write for over four years now and just never felt comfortable enough with the characters to write. now i know what i'm doing, since parts of the story have been told in the derelict ship episode and in brain damage. and a little bit in samurai star. but the problem is that i've still got a bunch of other stuff to write. i have six folders of notes and scenes plus a short story i've been writing to keep myself sane at work. i hate telling any of my characters to wait because i love them all so much. but my muse seems to have passed out in a drunken stupor (again), and they have no choice but to wait. if i could take a whole month off to write (not november), i could make some headway. i put everything on back burners for so long that i can't get the front burners fired up again, and of course, there's that sneaky little old story that i adore that needs a little tlc which is a simple thing of cutting (at least) two scenes and getting the passage of some time a little clearer. of course, i'd be better off without distractions like the internet, hockey and books to devour.
oops i forgot to do the christmas cards. i knew there was something i was supposed to be doing other than reading neil gaiman's journal.