Season Six
***
SPIKE: I'm never gonna get anything killed with you lot holding me back.
TARA: I thought the big ones were supposed to tire more easily.
SPIKE: No, that's over-the-hill shopkeepers.
GILES: I'm fine. I just need to ... to die for a minute.
SPIKE: It was that powder you blew at him made him rabbit off.
TARA: It's sorbis root, it was supposed to confuse him, but ... it just kinda made him peppy.
TARA: It's not supposed to mix with anything, you think he might be taking prescription medication?
SPIKE: Yeah, that must be it.
GILES: Good god, I hope he doesn't try to operate heavy machinery.
***
XANDER: Great googly-moogly, Willow, would you quit doing that?
WILLOW: I told you I was going to get the lay of the land.
XANDER: But not the lay of my brain.
ANYA: It's kind of intrusive. You could knock first or something.
WILLOW: Xander
XANDER: I know, I know, I don't have to talk when I answer you. But I saw "The Fury," and that way lies spooky carnival death.
***
GILES: You might have let me in on your plan while he throttled me.
SPIKE: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea?
***
WILLOW: It's a glitch, I'll fix it.
GILES: We just can't have her messing up in front of the wrong person. Or the wrong thing. We, we need the, the world and the underworld to believe that Buffy is alive and well.
WILLOW: And I will therefore fix it. I got her head back on, didn't I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
BUFFYBOT: Ooh, who's there?
XANDER: You know, if we want her to be exactly-
SPIKE: She'll never be exactly.
XANDER: I know.
TARA: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
GILES: And she's gone.
BUFFYBOT: 'If we want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone' who?
***
XANDER: House of chicks, relax. I am a man, and I have a tool.
XANDER: Tools. Lots of plural tools. In my, uh ... toolbox. Ah! Sandwiches. Excellent. Men like sandwiches.
***
GILES: Anya, this register report for January looks a bit off. Pull the files again.
ANYA: Are you mad at me?
GILES: Mad? No, I'm-I'm-
ANYA: Well then why are you torturing me? You know, I used to punish people like this when I was a demon. I made them double-check spreadsheets for all eternity.
GILES: I'm sorry if you resent my authority, but I won't feel comfortable leaving here until I know that absolutely everything-
ANYA: You're taking the Ramadan effigy?!
GILES: It's not inventory, it's my personal collection.
ANYA: Oh, huh. Aren't you Mister Dicey Semantics. So, what, you think you can just take anything you want?
ANYA: Give it!
GILES: No, you give it!
GILES: Ow! Ow! Ow!
XANDER: Okay, when *I'm* marveling at the immaturity ... be scared.
***
XANDER: What are you doing? What kind of gratitude is that?
ANYA: I know, I know. It's just ... he keeps saying he's going, and then he doesn't. And I keep almost being in charge, but then I'm not. And maybe he shouldn't be going at all, but we can't talk about that. And it all just leaves me with this stress and bossiness stored up, and it just ... leaks out.
XANDER: Just give it time, Ahn. This is hard for all of us. Just ... be patient.
ANYA: I *was* being patient, but it took too long. I mean, I-I miss Buffy. I do. But life shouldn't just stop because she's gone. I'm sick of waiting to take over here, and I'm sick of waiting to tell everyone about us.
XANDER: We've talked about this. We can't announce our engagement while things are so up in the air.
ANYA: Why not? It's happy news. Happy news in hard times is a good thing.
XANDER: It is, but ... if things go as planned, everything could be different. Let's just hold on.
ANYA: You've been saying that all summer.
XANDER: Please, Anya. We'll know more after we talk to Willow and Tara tonight.
ANYA: Fine, whatever. Just remember that this whole marriage thing was your stupid idea. I didn't ask to be all crazy.
***
SPIKE: So, uh, what do you fancy, bit, uh, game of rummy?
DAWN: Well, uh, Willow and Tara said they'd be back early. You don't really have to hang. I mean, if you're bored.
SPIKE: I'm not, and yeah, I do.
DAWN: But I'm fine alone. It's not like anyone's coming after me. I'm not the key. Or if I am, I don't open anything any more. It's over. Remember?
SPIKE: I'm not leaving you here by yourself, so forget it.
DAWN: Well, I'm just saying-
SPIKE: No. I'm not leaving you ... to get hurt. Not again.
***
VAMP: You're ... you're ... you're, you're a machine!
BUFFYBOT: Thank you!
***
XANDER: This is deep stuff, Willow. We're talking about raising the dead.
WILLOW: It's time we stop talking. Tomorrow night ... we're bringing Buffy back.
***
XANDER: Scenario -- We raise Buffy from the grave, she tries to eat our brains. Do we, a) congratulate ourselves on a job well done-
WILLOW: Xander, this isn't zombies.
ANYA: Zombies don't eat brains anyway unless instructed to by their zombie masters. A lot of people get that wrong.
WILLOW: This isn't like Dawn trying to bring Mrs. Summers back, or anything we've dealt with before. Buffy didn't die a natural death. She was killed by mystical energy.
TARA: Which means we do have a shot.
WILLOW: It means more than that. It means we don't know ... where she really is.
XANDER: We saw her body, Will. We buried it.
WILLOW: Her body, yeah. But her soul ... her essence ... I mean, that could be somewhere else. She could be trapped, in-in some sort of hell dimension like Angel was. Suffering eternal torment, just because she saved us, and I'm not gonna let ... I'm not gonna leave her there. It's Buffy.
XANDER: What time do we meet?
***
WILLOW: Can you get me a flashlight? It's in the, uh, kitchen.
SPIKE: She wanted to go out and look for you again, but I figured there are enough things in Sunnydale that go bump in the night.
WILLOW: Good thinking.
BUFFYBOT: But my homing device locates you when I am injured. I am programmed to go to you.
WILLOW: Right, I know. Still, I think just this once, it was a good idea to stay put. Spike was right.
BUFFYBOT: Sorry I questioned you, Spike. You know I admire your brain almost as much as your washboard abs.
SPIKE: I told you to make her stop doing that.
WILLOW: I did. I mean, I thought I got all that stuff out of the program.
SPIKE: Well, you've got her opened up, fix it.
***
BUFFYBOT: Did I say something wrong?
WILLOW: No, it's not your fault.
BUFFYBOT: I think Spike stopped liking me.
WILLOW: That's not true, he-he thinks you're swell.
BUFFYBOT: Then how come he never looks at me any more? Even when he's talking to me.
WILLOW: He just gets cranky, the way vampires do. Now, just relax. I am gonna make you good as new. I promise.
***
ANYA: You know, she's not the descendant of a long line of mystical warriors. She's the descendant of a toaster oven.
GILES: Yes, well, I appreciate your input, Anya, but I think Buffybot has responded nicely to our sessions.
ANYA: Well, you're the boss. Still.
***
GILES: Perhaps Anya's right. Perhaps I am trying to teach you as if you were...
BUFFYBOT: Human?
GILES: Yes.
BUFFYBOT: I like your teachings. Every Slayer needs her Watcher.
GILES: I'm not so sure about that.
BUFFYBOT: What do you mean?
GILES: Nothing. I just can't help but wonder if ... she would have been better off without me. Buffy.
BUFFYBOT: I don't think that's true. You were very helpful to her.
GILES: Right. Yes, I was a perfect Watcher. I did what any good Watcher would do. Got my Slayer killed in the line of duty.
BUFFYBOT: Oh, that wasn't your fault. G
ILES: Of course not. That's how all Slayer/Watcher relationships end, isn't it? He puts his glasses on, turns to face the bot again, calmer now.
GILES: She's gone. I did my job.
BUFFYBOT: Well, then why are you still here?
***
WILLOW: Aw, you got butterflies, baby?
TARA: More like bats.
ANYA: Y-you wanna look at the money? I find it always calms me.
***
GILES: Willow. I don't know where to start.
WILLOW: Well, maybe you shouldn't. I'm trying to be stiff-upper-lippy.
GILES: Right, right.
WILLOW: Well, you should get going. Don't you have a life or something?
GILES: Um, well, I suppose that's the question really.
***
XANDER: Willow!
TARA: No! She t - she told me ... she'd be tested. This is supposed to happen.
WILLOW: Osiris! Here lies the warrior of the people. Let her cross over.
XANDER: She needs help!
TARA: Xander, she's strong! She said not to stop, no matter what. If we break the cycle now, it's over.
***
RAZOR: Slayer. I've been hearing interesting things about you.
BUFFYBOT: Yes. I am interesting. These your friends?
RAZOR: They're my boys, yeah.
BUFFYBOT: Good. Now tell them to get back on their loud bicycles and go back wherever they came from.
RAZOR: Or what? You'll electrocute us? Hold her. You're nothing but a toy. A pretty toy. Wanna play?
BUFFYBOT: I would, but you've injured me. I have to return to Willow.
***
WILLOW: Xan ... Xander, where - where-
XANDER: Shh! We're using our quiet voice, Will.
WILLOW: Wh-wh-where's Tara?
XANDER: Off and running. Like we need to be. We gotta keep moving.
WILLOW: Oh ... right. Demons ... on bikes.
XANDER: Yeah. We got trouble. Right here in Hellmouth City. And our very own robo-Buffy led them right to us.
WILLOW: Buffy! The ritual! We have to go back.
XANDER: Will. I told you.
WILLOW: We have to try again.
XANDER: No, we can't.
WILLOW: We have to, Xander! I - she - she's waiting! She's counting on us, on, on me! I can't leave her there any more, I won't. We have to finish.
XANDER: Shh! Will .. .the urn of cirrhosis...
WILLOW: Osiris?
XANDER: Yeah. It got kind of...
WILLOW: Broken. It's broken. I remember.
XANDER: So we'll find another one. Better made. Anya and I will jump back on the web-
WILLOW: There is no other one.
XANDER: Okay, we'll fix this one. A little tape, a dab of Crazy Glue.
WILLOW: No. It's no use. The urn's defiled. It's gone. Nothing, it was all for nothing. Buffy's gone. She's really gone.
***
SPIKE: Here! You want me to bloody thump you? I told you to stay away from the window.
DAWN: Who are they?
SPIKE: Hellions. Road pirates. They raid towns ... use 'em up, burn 'em down. It's usually backwaters, any place... Any place they think is vulnerable.
DAWN: They know. The Slayer's gone.
SPIKE: Can't stay here.
DAWN: W-well, I'm not going out there!
SPIKE: Got no choice, bit, I can't protect you here.
DAWN: Well, we can lock the doors, turn out the lights.
SPIKE: And what, hide under the bed linen? Not really my style.
DAWN: But we need to wait for the others, and Buffy ...bot. You know, the-the Buffybot. We-we have to wait for the others-
SPIKE: Look! Dawn, I get that you're scared. But I'm your sitter, so mind me. I'm not gonna let any of those buggers lay so much as a warty digit on you. Right?
DAWN: Right.
SPIKE: Right, then. We can't wait around to see if the others will pop in. We're on our own. No one's coming to our rescue.
***
WILLOW: I, I can't walk any more. I need to rest.
XANDER: It can't be much further.
WILLOW: You said that an hour ago. I just ... that spell took a lot out of me.
XANDER: As for example, snakes? How come you didn't tell us how much-
WILLOW: No. Not now.
XANDER: What were we into back there, Will?
WILLOW: It doesn't matter anyway.
XANDER: Do not get all avoidy on me.
WILLOW: I'm not avoidy, I just ... we have bigger problems. Demons?
XANDER: Demons! Ah. There's something you don't see every day. Unless you're us.
***
TARA: It wasn't your fault. We, we don't know if the spell would have worked, even if the demons hadn't-
WILLOW: It would have worked.
TARA: Well ... maybe...
WILLOW: What?
TARA: Maybe it wasn't supposed to. I mean, those demons showing up at the exact wrong time? Maybe we really were in over our heads. Invoking forces that we have no right to. Maybe the fates sent down all that destruction on us to stop us. I mean...
WILLOW: You mean, maybe it was my fault.
TARA: No. No.
***
ANYA: What's wrong with her?
WILLOW: Nothing! She - she's ... she's in shock.
TARA: Her hands are bleeding. Her fingers.
ANYA: Oh, she's filthy.
XANDER: Oh no.
WILLOW: What?
XANDER: No. How could we ... so stupid!
WILLOW: Xander!
XANDER: Our spell. Our resurrection spell worked like a magic charm. We brought you back to life, Buffy. Right where we left her.
WILLOW: Oh god.
XANDER: In her coffin.
TARA: She had to ... dig out of her own grave.
***
RAZOR: Ah. So you got a witch in the mix.
TARA: More than one.
XANDER: I happen to be a very powerful man-witch myself. Or ... male... Is it a warlock? Warlock.
ANYA: Plus, we have a Slayer here, uh, who might actually be looking to eat some brains, so, I think a little quiet moseying, no hard feelings, and I'm sure your demon horde won't think any the less of you.
RAZOR: Now, my boys, see, that's tricky. They came looking for a massacre ...and I think you got exactly enough magic between you for a kiddie birthday party.
WILLOW: Then you'd be wrong.
RAZOR: Whoa. Well, I better back off, or you might, what? Pull a rabbit out of a hat?
ANYA: Don't, don't do that! Why would she do that?
WILLOW: We don't want trouble ... you don't want trouble.
RAZOR: Of course we want trouble, we're demons. We're really all about trouble.
WILLOW: Not this kind.
***
BUFFYBOT: Dawn. You're my sister Dawn. Where did I go?
DAWN: What?
BUFFYBOT: Where did I go? I was here. Here. But then I ran away.
DAWN: I-I don't...
BUFFYBOT: No. Not me. The other Buffy. Yes. The other Buffy.
DAWN: Buffy?
BUFFYBOT: I don't ... I don't ... know where she ran off to. Maybe-
***
DAWN: Don't jump, Buffy, don't move! Just walk to me. Please! Please? I'm your sister. Dawn. We were up here ... together, and then ... you went away. And you don't wanna do that again. I don't know how you're back, but you are, and please, just stay still. Or-or move. But-but towards me. Because the tower was built by crazy people and I don't think it's holding up very well. Talk to me. Say something!
BUFFY: Is ... this hell?
DAWN: What?
BUFFY: Is this hell?
DAWN: No! Buffy, no! You're here ... with me. Whatever happened to you, whatever you've been through, it's ... it's over now. You're- We have to get off this tower!
BUFFY: It was so ... clear ... on this spot. I remember ... how ... shiny ... and clear everything was. But ... now ... now...
DAWN: Buffy ... please ... listen to me. You told me I had to be strong ... and I've tried. But it's been so hard without you. I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better, I will! If you're with me. Stay with me ... please. I need you to live. Live! For- Buffy!
BUFFY: Dawn.
DAWN: Buffy!
BUFFY: Dawn!
***
SPIKE: Thank God. You scared me half to death ... or more to death. You - I could kill you.
DAWN: Spike.
SPIKE: I mean it. I could rip your head off one-handed and drink from your brain stem.
DAWN: Look.
SPIKE: Yeah? I've seen the bloody bot before. Didn't think she'd patch up so-
DAWN: She's kind of, um ... She's been through a lot ... with the ... death. But I think she's okay.
DAWN: Spike? Are *you* okay?
SPIKE: I'm ... what did you do?
DAWN: Me? Nothing.
SPIKE: Her hands.
DAWN: Um, I was gonna fix 'em. I don't know how they got like that.
SPIKE: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?
BUFFY: Yeah. That's ... what I had to do.
SPIKE: Done it myself.
***
BUFFY: How long was I gone?
SPIKE: Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh ... hundred forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it? How long was it for you ... where you were?
BUFFY: Longer.
***
ANYA: I think Willow's wrong. I don't think she's particularly normal at all.
XANDER: Well, she just got back. Give it time. I bet in a week she'll be our little Bufferin again.
ANYA: Oh yes, cause six or seven days, that's all you really need to get over eternal hell experiences.
XANDER: Who's that? Spike?
XANDER: What are you doing out here? I hope you're not going to start your little obsession now that she's around again.
ANYA: Hey!
SPIKE: You didn't tell me. You brought her back and you didn't tell me.
XANDER: Well, now you know.
SPIKE: I worked beside you all summer.
XANDER: We didn't tell you. It was just ... we didn't, okay?
SPIKE: Listen. I've figured it out. Maybe you haven't, but I have. Willow knew there was a chance that she'd come back wrong. So wrong that you'd have ... that she would have to get rid of what came back. And I wouldn't let her. If any part of that was Buffy, I wouldn't let her. And that's why she shut me out.
XANDER: What are you talking about? Willow wouldn't do that.
SPIKE: Oh. Is that right.
XANDER: Look. You're just covering. Don't tell me you're not happy. Look me in the eyes, and tell me when you saw Buffy alive, that wasn't the happiest moment of your entire existence.
SPIKE: That's the thing about magic. There's always consequences. Always!
***
WILLOW: Hey.
TARA: Did you get through to London?
WILLOW: Yeah. He's gonna head back as soon as he can. I'm not sure, like maybe a couple days.
TARA: How did he take it?
WILLOW: Um ... I'm not sure. I mean ... glad, but ... kinda weirded out, which I get, you know? Lots of "dear lords". And I think I actually heard him cleaning his glasses.
***
BUFFY: What did you do? Do you know what you did? You're like children. Your hands smell of death. Bitches! Filthy little bitches, rattling the bones. Did you cut the throat? Did you pat its head? The blood dried on your hands, didn't it?
TARA: Oh my god, oh my god.
BUFFY: You were stained. You still are. I know what you did!
***
WILLOW: Buffy! You're not supposed to be up.
TARA: How, how are you feeling? Are you okay?
BUFFY: So what are we killing?
ANYA: A demon you brought back from Hell with you.
BUFFY: Oh.
WILLOW: It's not like she's making it sound. A little haunting-type stuff. Boo-scary, everything's normal.
TARA: You shouldn't worry about it.
BUFFY: Um, I remember something, last ... night, uh...
XANDER: Buff?
BUFFY: Um ... the photographs. O-of us. They changed.
TARA: How did they change?
BUFFY: They were ... dead. I-I-I mean, we were dead. Like, um ... dead bodies? But, but then they were okay. So I just, you know, figured it was me. That I was going crazy.
ANYA: Well, maybe you are. Going crazy. From Hell. No. You're fine.
***
ANYA: I found one of those 24-hour places for coffee. Remember that bookstore? Well they became one of those books-and-coffee places, and now they're just coffee. It's like evolution, only without the getting-better part. Uh, coffee, coffee, coffee, um, hot chocolate for Dawn. You're too young for coffee.
DAWN: Idiot.
ANYA: You can have my coffee.
DAWN: All of you did it. You stupid children. Did you think the blood wouldn't reach you? I smell the death on you. Look at what you've done!
***
SPIKE: You should be careful. Never know what kind of villain's got a knife at your back.
BUFFY: Your hand is hurt.
SPIKE: Hmm. Same with you.
BUFFY: Right.
SPIKE: Willow's getting pretty strong, isn't she? Bringing you back. It's hard to get a good night's death around here. You can sit down. Got furniture. You should see the downstairs, too, it's quite posh.
SPIKE: Uh ... I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I had done that ... even if I didn't make it ... you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I save you.
***
DEMON: Did they tell you, you belonged here? Did they say this was your home again? Were you offered pretty lies, little girl? Or did they even give you a choice?
***
WILLOW/TARA: Child of words, hear thy makers. Child of words, we entreat. With our actions did we make thee, to our voices wilt thou bend.With our potions thou took motive, with our motions came to pass. We rescind no past devotions, give thee substance, give thee mass.
DEMON: You're the one who's barely here. Set on this earth like a bubble. You won't even disturb the air when you go.
***
TARA: Child of words, hear thy makers. Child of words, we en...treat...
WILLOW: Solid.
***
BUFFY: You brought me back. I was in a ... I was in hell. I, um ... I can't think too much about what it was like. But it felt like the world abandoned me there. And then suddenly ... you guys did what you did.
TARA: It was Willow. She knew what to do.
BUFFY: Okay. So you did that. And the world came rushing back. Thank you. You guys gave me the world. I can't tell you what it means to me. And I should have said it before.
WILLOW: You're welcome.
XANDER: Welcome home, Buffy.
***
BUFFY: Spike, it's daylight and you're-
SPIKE: Not on fire? Sun's low enough, shady enough here. I was gonna go inside, but I overheard you and the Super-friends exchanging a special moment and I came over a bit queasy. Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?
BUFFY: Just wanted a little time alone.
SPIKE: Oh, uh, right then.
BUFFY: That's okay. I can be alone with you here.
SPIKE: Thanks ever so.
BUFFY: Right.
SPIKE: Buff? ... Slayer? Are you okay?
BUFFY: I'm here. I'm good.
SPIKE: Buffy, if you're in ... if you're in pain ... or if you need anything... or if I can do anything for you...
BUFFY: You can't.
SPIKE: Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
BUFFY: I was happy.
BUFFY: Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn't mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ... knowing what I've lost...
BUFFY: They can never know. Never.
***
BUFFY: But I haven't spent any money. I was all ... dead and frugal.
WILLOW: I-I know, this comes as a bit of a shock after ... a bit of a shock, but ... it took us by surprise too.
TARA: Your mother prepared everything really well. She had insurance ... life insurance.
XANDER: Which should have left you covered, but ... hospital bills.
WILLOW: Pretty much sucked up all the money.
ANYA: Which you're still hemorrhaging, by the way.
BUFFY: How am I doing that?
ANYA: No, not you, the house. Uh, see, this house, just sitting here, doing nothing, um, by itself costs money.
DAWN: So, what do we do?
BUFFY: Easy. We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty.
***
WILLOW: He still turned you down?! That's crazy! I mean, even if the bank did get robbed, which, you battling demons couldn't possibly know ... you would think there would be some kind of reward. But no, they're like, "Oh, we're not gonna give you money unless you prove you don't need it." I mean, what kind of system is that?
BUFFY: You're asking the wrong gal.
WILLOW: Hey. Buffy, you're mad.
BUFFY: You noticed. It'll pass.
WILLOW: No! Anger ... is a big, powerful emotion you should feel.
BUFFY: Well ... that's good then. It's gone now.
WILLOW: Okay ... uh, let me make you mad again. Uh ... ready? Um ... Last semester, I slept with Riley.
BUFFY: And you know I really doubt it.
WILLOW: Caught me. Big fib. To ... cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel.
BUFFY: Will ... what the hell are you doing?
WILLOW: Pissing you off.
BUFFY: Yes, true. Why?
WILLOW: Well, 'cause, you know, since you've ... been back, you haven't exactly been big with ... the whole range of human emotions thing.
BUFFY: What do you mean?
WILLOW: Well, you haven't ... no, I mean it's just, um ... You know, this is really ... my problem. I'm just, I'm all over the place and, you should just, uh, forget I even said anything, cause, cause, well, 'cause you know... banks, man.
***
GILES: You're alive. You're here. And you're still ... remarkably strong.
BUFFY: Huh? Oh. Sorry.
GILES: Willow told me, but I didn't really let myself believe ...
BUFFY: I take a little getting used to. I'm still getting used to me.
GILES: It's, uh ... you're ...
BUFFY: A miracle?
GILES: Yes. But then, I always thought so.
***
GILES: And how are you? Really? You look tired.
BUFFY: Me? Nah. Fine. I mean, yeah, you know, sleeping's hard, but ... just because of the whole waking up in a box thing. So maybe waking up's the problem. You know, but just for a second. I sleep okay. Great even. Except, you know, for the dreams ...
GILES: You seem to be doing remarkably well under extreme circumstances. I'm proud of you.
BUFFY: Well, actually, it wasn't me. Willow brought me back. I just lay there.
GILES: You-you know -- I meant -
BUFFY: I know what you meant. It was just a little post-post-mortem comedy.
***
WILLOW: Isn't it awesome?
GILES: Mmm. Tell me about this spell you performed.
WILLOW: Oh, okay, first of all? So scary. Like, the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this. And, and, and this giant snake came out my mouth and there was all this energy crackling, and this pack of demons interrupted, but I totally kept it together. And then, the next thing you know? Buffy.
GILES: You're a very stupid girl.
WILLOW: What? Giles...
GILES: Do you have any idea what you've done? The forces you've harnessed, the lines you've crossed?
WILLOW: I thought you'd be ... impressed, or, or something.
GILES: Oh, don't worry, you've ... made a very deep impression. Of everyone here ... you were the one I trusted most to respect the forces of nature.
WILLOW: Are you saying you don't trust me?
GILES: Think what you've done to Buffy.
WILLOW: I brought her back!
GILES: At incredible risk!
WILLOW: Risk? Of what? Making her deader?
GILES: Of killing us all. Unleashing hell on Earth, I mean, shall I go on?
WILLOW: No! Giles, I did what I had to do. I did what nobody else could do.
GILES: Oh, there are others in this world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them.
WILLOW: No, probably not, but ... well, they're the bad guys. I'm not a bad guy. I brought Buffy back into this world, a-and maybe the word you should be looking for is "congratulations."
GILES: Having Buffy back in the world makes me feel ... indescribably wonderful, but I wouldn't congratulate you if you jumped off a cliff and happened to survive.
WILLOW: That's not what I did, Giles.
GILES: You were lucky.
WILLOW: I wasn't lucky. I was amazing. And how would you know? You weren't even there.
GILES: If I had been, I'd have bloody well stopped you. The magicks you channeled are more ferocious and primal than anything you can hope to understand, and you are lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur!
WILLOW: You're right. The magicks I used are very powerful. I'm very powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off. Come on, Giles, I-I don't want to fight. I ... Let's not, okay? I'll think about what you said, and you ... try to be happy Buffy's back.
GILES: We still don't know where she was ... or what happened to her. And I'm far from convinced she's come out of all this undamaged.
***
BUFFY: Hello, Spike.
SPIKE: You hear all that noise?
BUFFY: Just enough to make me feel crappy.
SPIKE: You know watcher-boy doesn't mean anything by it.
BUFFY: I guess. Everyone ... they all care. They all care so much, it ... makes it all harder.
SPIKE: I'm not sure I followed you around that bend, luv.
BUFFY: I don't know. I just, I feel like I'm spending all of my time trying to be okay, so they don't worry. It's exhausting. And then, I...
SPIKE: And that makes 'em worry even more. You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little. Knew I could get a grin.
BUFFY: Why are you always around when I'm miserable?
SPIKE: 'Cause that's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not one for crowds myself these days.
BUFFY: Me neither.
SPIKE: That works out nicely then.
***
BUFFY: Angel.
GILES: Is he in trouble?
BUFFY: He knows that I'm ... He, he needs to see me. I have to see him.
GILES: Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow.
BUFFY: Not L.A. And not here. Somewhere in the middle. There's a, a place.
GILES: I see. Well, we should get all these ... bills and things out of the way before-
BUFFY: I gotta go now. Um, thanks for taking care of this for me.
***
BUFFY: Life is stupid.
SPIKE: I have a dim memory of that, yeah. And I didn't figure you were here cadging my whiskey 'cause life's all full of blood and peaches.
BUFFY: No. There's this thing ... someone's doing stuff to me. Messing up my life. Except that it was kind of pre-messed already. You know, with school, and jobs ... pretty bad even without the evil.
SPIKE: So you, uh, just what? Gonna let this whoever play you till it figures out what kills you?
BUFFY: Giles is working on it.
SPIKE: Oh, good, 'cause Giles wields the mighty force of library books.
BUFFY: You'd do better?
SPIKE: Damn right! I'd hit the demon world. Ask questions, throw punches, find out what's in the air. Hmm? It's fun too.
BUFFY: It's not my kind of fun.
SPIKE: Yeah. It is. And your life's gonna get a lot less confusing when you figure that out.
BUFFY: You have had *so* too much to drink at this point, I am cuttin' you off.
SPIKE: You're not a schoolgirl. You're not a shop girl. You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.
BUFFY: Are there drinks in your world?
***
BUFFY: You play for kittens?!
SPIKE: So, who's gonna advance me a tiny tabby, get me started? Come on, someone's gotta stake me.
BUFFY: I'll do it! What, you thought I was just gonna let that lie there?
***
SPIKE: What's wrong, luv?
BUFFY: What's wrong?! You were gonna help me! You, you were gonna beat heads and, and, and fix my life! But you're completely lame! Tonight sucks! And, and look at me! Look at, look at stupid Buffy! Too dumb for college, and, and, and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And, and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even *before* the hour that wouldn't end! And the only person I can even stand to be around is a ... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.
SPIKE: Oh, you saw the cheating, did you.
BUFFY: Also? I think you're drunk.
***
BUFFY: He blew up. Did you see that?
SPIKE: Yeah, I saw. He's gone.
BUFFY: Gotta love it, you know. It makes you feel all powerful. Strong. Kinda sick.
***
JONATHAN: Ohh, next time I do that spell, one of you guys has to look like the demon.
ANDREW: The Slayer touched you.
JONATHAN: Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists. I only looked big. I actually had the proportional strength of ... uh ... me.
***
BUFFY: I'm really screwing up, Giles.
GILES: What? Come on. You were being tested ... sequentially, by some ... unknown demon. I don't call that screwing up.
BUFFY: No, it completely is. I let the demon set the rules.
GILES: Go easy on yourself, will you? I mean, you don't have to figure the whole thing out at once, you know, job and everything. You're pushing yourself too hard.
BUFFY: The nice people at the phone company? Seem to think it's not hard enough.
GILES: Well, maybe there's something I can do about that. This is, um ... I... It's for you.
BUFFY: A check? This is, is too much, I can't take it.
GILES: Well, tear it up then.
BUFFY: No! I was just being polite. I'm taking the money. This is, this is great. This is more than great. I don't ... really know how to say this ... but it's a little like having Mom back.
GILES: In this scenario, I am your mother?
BUFFY: Wanna be my shiftless absentee father?
GILES: Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?
BUFFY: I'm just saying ... Thank you. So much. I'm gonna ... show this to Dawn. She loves it when things get easy. I just ... wanna tell you ... that, um ... this ... makes me feel safe. Knowing you're always gonna be here.
***
DAWN: So what are you supposed to be?
ANYA: An angel.
DAWN: Oh. Shouldn't you have wings?
ANYA: Oh no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime. Where's your costume?
DAWN: Like I'm six years old? Halloween's so lame.
ANYA: But you get to dress up, and play games! Xander's gonna teach me a new one after work called Shiver Me Timbers. Ever play?
TARA: Uh, Dawn, Willow could use some help in magical texts.
DAWN: I'm all over it.
ANYA: How 'bout you, ever play Shiver Me Timbers?
TARA: I'm not really much for the timber.
***
BUFFY: Bell. Neck. Look into it.
SPIKE: Come with a nice leather collar, does it?
BUFFY: What are you doing lurking down here?
SPIKE: Came through the tunnels. Running low on burba weed. Stir it in with the blood. Makes it all hot 'n spicy. What? I was gonna pay for it.
SPIKE: I mean, no. I was gonna nick it, 'cause that's what I do. I go where I please and I take what I want, and what's your excuse anyway? I thought you'd had it to the brim with customer disservice.
BUFFY: One-time deal to help out. And I mean straight time. No loop-de-loop mummy hand repeat-o-vision.
BUFFY: Where's the mandrake root?
SPIKE: Um ... here. Only three to a jar. Tend to ... go a bit wonky if you cram them too close.
BUFFY: Thanks.
SPIKE: Feel like a bit of the rough and tumble?
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: Me ... you... Patrolling? Hello?
BUFFY: Oh. Uh ... I ... should stay. Maybe tomorrow.
SPIKE: It's not like I don't already have plans. Great Pumpkin's on in twenty.
BUFFY: (to herself) So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me.
***
DAWN: You do this every night?
ANYA: Every time I close out the cash register. The dance of capitalist superiority.
***
XANDER: I'm gonna marry that girl.
BUFFY: What?! She's fifteen and my sister, so don't ev- Oh.
XANDER: Hey, everybody. Can I, um ... uh ... there's something Anya and I ... wanna tell you.
ANYA: Now?
XANDER: Now. We're getting married.
DAWN: Oh my god.
TARA: Congratulations!
WILLOW: That ... that's ... wow.
XANDER: It's a big wow.
ANYA: I ... I thought you were waiting for the right moment.
XANDER: I did.
***
BUFFY: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing?
GILES: Tell no one.
***
ANYA: And he said he couldn't imagine the rest of his life without me, and then he gave me this!
XANDER: Which I'll be paying for the rest of my life.
DAWN: Can I try it on?
ANYA: Oh, absolutely not.
***
BUFFY: You're getting married! You!
XANDER: Me. Choking.
BUFFY: Oh, sorry. I just, I can't believe it. Seems like only yesterday you had to pay a girl to date you.
XANDER: Like I'd ever pay. Define 'date.'
***
ANYA: I mean, there's just so much to consider, though, I mean, planning the wedding, and, and new cars, house and babies. You *have* to plan for babies, or they just run roughshod over your entire existence.
XANDER: Yeah, y...you gotta know what to call 'em before they hit college.
GILES: Ah. Rupert is an exceptionally strong name.
ANYA: Ha ha ha! Yeah, if we want our progeny to eat paste and have their lunch money stolen.
***
DAWN: Okay, okay, it was my first kiss. I know, I know, I suck, my ... my lips are dry and my tongue's all horrible and sticky and I'm pretty sure I drooled on you ... so just please tell me how awful it was.
JUSTIN: It was perfect.
***
TARA: Do you think Dawn might have come here?
WILLOW: It's where I'd be if I were fifteen and on the lam.
TARA: Really?
WILLOW: Well, not me at fifteen, 'cause, hello, spaz.
TARA: You?
WILLOW: Yeah. Hard to believe such a hot mama-yama came from humble, geek-infested roots?
***
BUFFY: Spike?
SPIKE: You know... in civilized cultures, that's called trespassing.
BUFFY: Good thing you're uncivilized.
***
BUFFY: Were you parking?! With a vamp?
DAWN: I-I didn't know he was dead!
JUSTIN: Living dead.
DAWN: Shut up!
BUFFY: How could you not know?
DAWN: I just met him!
BUFFY: Oh! Oh, so you were parking in the woods with a boy you just met.
JUSTIN: We've seen each other at parties.
BUFFY: Shut up. I don't believe you!
DAWN: Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?
BUFFY: That was different.
DAWN: It always is when it's you.
VAMP 1: Uh, excuse me! Can we fight now?
BUFFY: Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out?
BUFFY: Aw, that's sweet. You run. (to Vamp 1) You scream.
***
VAMP 2: Die, slayer!
BUFFY: Mm-hmm.
JUSTIN: Your sister's the slayer? I totally get it! I knew there was something about you.
***
VAMP 1: What is your malfunction, man?!
SPIKE: It's Halloween, you nit! We take the night off. Those are the rules.
VAMP 1: Me and mine don't follow no stinkin' rules! We're rebels!
SPIKE: No. I'm a rebel. You're an idiot.
SPIKE: Give the lot of us a bad name.
***
JUSTIN: Trick or treat. Give me something good to eat.
DAWN: I thought you really liked me.
JUSTIN: I do. And you like me too.
DAWN: I do.
***
BUFFY: Sorry about the party.
XANDER: Aah, don't worry about it.
ANYA: It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower. Where do we order obscenely muscular male strippers?
XANDER: Anya.
ANYA: Well, I'm kidding, geez.
***
WILLOW: So, uh, big monster mashing? Sorry we missed it.
TARA: As long as Dawn's all right.
WILLOW: Yeah, that's what's-
TARA: I, I think I'm gonna turn in. Good night.
***
GILES: We need to have a conversation.
DAWN: This the part where you tell me you're not angry ... just disappointed?
GILES: Pretty much. Except for the bit about not being angry.
***
WILLOW: I, I'm sorry, okay?
TARA: It's not that easy.
WILLOW: Well, what do you want me to do? Reverse time and take it back? 'Cause I could probably-
WILLOW: Joke. I don't think I could really-
TARA: You know what, can, can we not do this now? I'm tired.
WILLOW: Okay. Let's just forget it ever happened.
WILLOW: Forget.
***
BUFFY: So, uh, no research? Nothing going on? Monsters or whatnot? Good! Good. Uh, so, did anybody ... uh ... last night, you know, did anybody, um ... burst into song?
XANDER: Merciful Zeus!
WILLOW: We thought it was just us!
GILES: Well, I sang but I had my guitar at the hotel...
TARA: It was bizarre. We were talking and then it was like-
BUFFY: Like you were in a musical!
TARA: Yeah!
GILES: That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps.
WILLOW: We did a whole duet about dish washing.
ANYA: And we were arguing and, and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and the dance with coconuts.
WILLOW: There was an entire verse about the cous-cous.
XANDER: It was very disturbing.
***
BUFFY: So what is it? What's causing it?
GILES: I thought it didn't matter.
BUFFY: Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish yet affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here. And that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies.
***
WILLOW: ...those guys are checking you out.
TARA: What? Wh-What are they looking at?
WILLOW: The hotness of you, doofus.
TARA: Those boys really thought I was hot?
WILLOW: Entirely.
TARA: Oh my god. I'm cured! I want the boys!
***
ANYA: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
XANDER: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them.
***
XANDER: It's a nightmare.
ANYA: It has to be stopped.
XANDER: It's a plague. It's like a nightmare about a plague.
ANYA: It was like we were being watched.
XANDER: It's like, I didn't wanna be saying things-
ANYA: Like there was a wall missing-
XANDER: -but they just kept pouring out.
ANYA: -in our apartment.
XANDER: And they rhymed and they were mean and
ANYA: Like there were only three walls and not a fourth wall and
XANDER: My eyes are not beady!
ANYA: My toes are not hairy!
XANDER: Giles, you've got to stop it.
GILES: Well, I am looking into some leads, and I-
ANYA: It's just, clearly our number is a retro pastiche that's never going to be a breakaway pop hit.
XANDER: Work with me, British man. Give me an axe and show me where to point it.
***
SPIKE: The sun sets and she appears. Come to serenade me?
BUFFY: So you know what's going on.
SPIKE: Well, I've seen some damn funny things in the last two days. A 600 pound Chirago demon making like Yma Sumac, that one will stay with you. I remain immune, happy to say. Drink?
BUFFY: A world of no. So any idea what's causing this?
SPIKE: Oh. So that's all. You've just come to pump me for information.
BUFFY: What else would I wanna pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?
SPIKE: Yeah, well ... don't wanna bore you with the small talk. Don't know a thing.
BUFFY: What's up? You're all bad moody.
SPIKE: Nothing. Glad you could stop by.
***
GILES: Good. Good.
BUFFY: I feel like I should ... bow, or ... have honor or something.
GILES: It may seem hokey, but we need to work on precision and concentration as much as power. We're still not sure what we're facing.
BUFFY: Oh, you'll figure it out. I'm just worried this whole session's gonna turn into some training montage from an 80's movie.
GILES: Ah. Well, if we hear any inspirational power chords, we'll just lie down until they go away. Anyway, I don't think we need to work that much on your strength.
BUFFY: Yeah, I'm pretty spry for a corpse.
***
SPIKE: Strong. Someday he'll be a real boy.
BUFFY: So. Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.
TARA: I-I just left her for a few minutes.
BUFFY: Oh, it's not your fault. So what's the plan?
XANDER: Plan, schman. Let's mount up.
GILES: No.
ANYA: Uh, Dawn may have had the wrong idea in summoning this creature, but ... I've seen some of these underworld child bride deals and, and they never end well. Well, maybe once.
WILLOW: We're not just gonna stay here.
GILES: Yes we are. Buffy's going alone.
SPIKE: Gah! Don't be a stupid git. There is no-
GILES: If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll- I'll never want your opinion.
WILLOW: A little confusion spell could-
TARA: No! I mean, I don't think it'll help.
SPIKE: Look, forget them, Slayer. I've got your back.
BUFFY: I thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang?
XANDER: Spike sing a widdle song?
ANYA: Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit or more of a book number?
XANDER: Let it go, sweetie.
SPIKE: Fine. I hope you dance till you burn. You and the little bit.
***
SWEET: I love a good entrance.
BUFFY: How are you with death scenes? You got a name?
SWEET: I've got a hundred.
BUFFY: Well, I ought to know what to call you if you're gonna be my brother-in-law.
DAWN: Buffy, I swear I didn't do it.
BUFFY: Don't worry. You're not going anywhere. I am.
DAWN: What?
BUFFY: Deal's this. I can't kill you? You take me to Hellsville in her place.
SWEET: What if I kill you?
BUFFY: Trust me. Won't help.
SWEET: Hm, that's gloomy!
BUFFY: That's life.
SWEET: Come now, is that really what you feel? Isn't life a miraculous thing?
BUFFY: I think you already know.
***
ANYA: Xander?!
XANDER: Well, I didn't know what was gonna happen! I just thought there were gonna be dances and songs. I just wanted to make sure we'd... we'd work out. Get a happy ending.
SWEET: I think everything worked out just fine.
XANDER: Does this mean that I have to... be your queen?
SWEET: It's tempting. But I think we'll waive that clause just this once. Big smiles everyone! You beat the bad guy.
***
SPIKE: You should go back inside. Finish the big group sing. Get your kum-ba-yayas out.
BUFFY: I don't want to.
SPIKE: The day you suss out what you do want, there'll probably be a parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones.
BUFFY: Spike...
SPIKE: Look, you don't have to say anything.
***
SPIKE: Can we talk?
BUFFY: Vocal-cord-wise, yes. With each other? No.
SPIKE: We have to talk.
BUFFY: About what?
SPIKE: We kissed, Buffy.
BUFFY: So?
SPIKE: We ... we kissed, you and me. All Gone With The Wind, with the rising music, and the rising ... music, and what was that, Buffy?
BUFFY: A spell?
SPIKE: Oh, don't get all prim and proper with me. I know what kind of girl you really are. Don't I.
BUFFY: What we did is done. But I will never kiss you, Spike. Never touch you ever, *ever* again.
***
BUFFY: If I were to stop saving his life, it would simple things up *so* much.
***
ANYA: Do you think she ... walked around on clouds, wearing like ... Birkenstocks and played a harp? 'Cause those are just not flattering. You know, the clonky sandals, not a harp. I mean, who ... doesn't look good with a harp?
***
WILLOW: I can fix it. I know a spell.
TARA: No! No more spells.
WILLOW: Then what? This isn't something that's gonna be fixed by a video club. I know I messed up, okay, and ... I wanna fix it.
TARA: I can't believe that we are talking about this again. You know how powerful magic is, how dangerous. You could hurt someone, you ... you could hurt yourself.
WILLOW: I know a spell that will make her forget she was ever in heaven.
TARA: God, what is wrong with you?!
XANDER: I'm gonna go get that ... phone you probably don't hear. High-pitched ring, ears like a dog.
ANYA: I'm gonna help you with that.
TARA: Do you think I'm stupid? I know you used that spell on me.
WILLOW: Tara, I'm sorry, I-
TARA: Don't! Just ... don't. There's nothing you can say.
WILLOW: Tara, I didn't mean to-
TARA: To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Willow? How could you after what Glory did to me?
WILLOW: Violate you? I ... I-I didn't ... mean anything like that, I-I, I just wanted us not to fight any more. I love you.
TARA: If you don't wanna fight, you don't fight. You don't use magic to make a fight disappear.
WILLOW: But I-I just wanted to make things better. Better for us.
TARA: But you don't get to decide what is better for us, Will. We're in a relationship, we are supposed to decide together.
WILLOW: Okay. I'm ... I realize I, I did it wrong.
TARA: You did it the way you're doing everything. When things get rough, you ... you don't even consider the options. You just ... you just do a spell. It's not good for you, Willow. And it's not what magic is for.
WILLOW: But I ... I just wanna help people. TARA: Maybe that's how it started, but ... you're helping yourself now, fixing things to your liking. Including me.
WILLOW: Tara, no!
TARA: I don't think this is gonna work.
WILLOW: Hey. It is, i-it's working. Tara, please. I need you, baby. I need you. I don't need magic, I-I don't, I ... let me prove it to you, okay? I, I will go a month without doing any magic. I won't do a single spell. I swear.
TARA: Go a week. One week without magic.
WILLOW: Fine. Fine, that's easy!
TARA: Go a week, and then we'll see.
TARA: I don't know, I just ... think we both need some ... I don't know, space. Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this.
WILLOW: Are you saying you're gonna leave me?
***
GILES: You have to be strong. I'm, I'm trying to-
BUFFY: Trying to, to what? Desert me? Abandon me? Leave me all alone when I really need somebody?
GILES: I don't want to leave-
BUFFY: So don't. Please don't.
BUFFY: I can't do this without you.
GILES: You can. That's why I'm going. As long as I stay you'll always turn to me if there's something comes up that you feel that you can't handle, and I'll step in because, because ... Because I can't bear to see you suffer.
BUFFY: Me too. Hate suffering. Had about as much of it as I can take.
GILES: Believe me, I'm loathe to cause you more, but this...
GILES: I've taught you all I can about being a slayer, and your mother taught you what you needed to know about life. You ... you're not gonna trust that until you're forced to stand alone.
BUFFY: But why now? Now that you know where I've been, what I'm going through?
GILES: Now more than ever. The temptation to give up is gonna be overwhelming, and I can't let-
BUFFY: So I won't! No giving up. You can be here, and I can still be strong.
GILES: Buffy, I've thought this over ... and over. I believe it's the right thing to do.
BUFFY: You're wrong.
***
GILES: Spike?
ANYA: Holy moly.
SPIKE: You need to give me asylum.
XANDER: I'll say.
SPIKE: No need to get cute. It's a disguise. Happens there's a bloke I'd rather not see just now. You met him, I believe. Toothy bloke with the baby-seal breath?
***
BUFFY: I just, I don't think...
WILLOW: Buffy, listen. I know this must be awful for you, and I, I'm sorry, I ... I'm so sorry for...
BUFFY: Sorry. Everybody's sorry. I know that you guys are just trying to help ... but it's just, it's too much. And, and I, I can't take it any more. If you guys ... if you guys understood how it felt ... how it feels. It's like I'm dying, it-
***
GILES: We'll all get our memory back, and it'll all be right as rain.
SPIKE: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
GILES: Welcome to the nancy tribe.
SPIKE: You don't suppose you and I ... we're not related, are we?
ANYA: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
GILES: And you do inspire a, um ... particular feeling of ... familiarity and ... disappointment.
GILES: Older brother?
SPIKE: Father. Oh, god, how I must hate you.
GILES: What did I do?
SPIKE: There's always something, and what's with the trollop?
ANYA: Hey!
GILES: Her?
SPIKE: I saw you! Sleeping together.
GILES: Resting together.
ANYA: Look! It's okay. We're engaged.
GILES: Oh.
ANYA: It's a lovely ring.
SPIKE: Oh, great, a tarty stepmom who's half old Daddy's age.
ANYA: Tarty?
GILES: Old? You little twerp, I'm young enough to still get carded.
***
GILES: I'm, uh, called Rupert Giles.
ANYA: Rupert.
SPIKE: Rupert!
GILES: You're not too old to put across my knee, you know ... sonny. Anyway, what did I call you?
SPIKE: Um... 'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!
GILES: Randy's ... a family name, undoubtedly.
***
DAWN: So you don't have a name?
BUFFY: Of course I do. I just don't happen to know it.
DAWN: You want me to name you?
BUFFY: Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me ... Joan.
DAWN: Ugh!
BUFFY: What? Did you just 'ugh' my name?
DAWN: No! I just ... I mean, it's so blah. Joan?
BUFFY: I like it. I feel like a Joan.
DAWN: Fine, that's your purgative.
BUFFY: Perogative.
DAWN: Whatever, Joan.
BUFFY: Whatever, Umad.
DAWN/BUFFY: Boy, you're a pain in the/Boy, you're bossy!
***
BUFFY: Any suggestions on how we're gonna get there?
SPIKE: Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
***
BUFFY: I think I know why Joan's the boss. I'm like a superhero or something!
***
BUFFY: Randy!
SPIKE: Hey, I'm a superhero too! Joan, where're you going?
***
SPIKE: Bloody hell, what are you doing?
BUFFY: You don't know who you are.
SPIKE: Right, none of us do, and we're being chased by-
BUFFY: You're a vampire!
SPIKE: How can you say - I, me, a vampire? No.
BUFFY: Check the lumpies. And the teeth. I kill your kind.
SPIKE: And I bite yours. So how come I don't wanna bite you? And why am I fightin' other vampires? I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
BUFFY: A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?
***
GILES: Perhaps we should try another book.
ANYA: No! This book made the little fluffers, and this book's gonna send 'em back. I've got it this time, okay. 'Himble abri, abri voyon.'
GILES: Yes, dear.
***
SPIKE: I'm a hero really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life and then to rise above it. To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us... natural enemies, thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me.
BUFFY: Depends on how long you keep on yapping.
***
GILES: Come down, and we will go about fixing this in a sensible fashion!
ANYA: Sensible! You think it's sensible for me to go down into that pit of cotton-top hell, and let them hippity-hop all over my vulnerable flesh?
GILES: Fine, then just stay up there and keep making bunnies! That's a capital plan!
ANYA: What capital? I never know what you're talking about. Loo, shag, brolly, what the hell is all that?
GILES: What? There's no way that you could remember me saying any of those words.
ANYA: Oh, bugger off, you brolly.
***
GILES: Get a different book! Put that book down, do you hear? Not ... that... book!
***
WILLOW: How you doin', Dawn?
DAWN: Uh, I'm okay. It's scary ... but, weirdly? Kind of familiar.
WILLOW: I know what you mean.
DAWN: How are you?
WILLOW: A little confused. I mean, I'm ... all sweaty ... and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire... And I think I'm kinda gay.
***
GILES: Look what you've done, you lunatic woman!
ANYA: Don't blame me, you snobby, snotty, thinks he's so great kind of jerk ... and I feel compelled to take some vengeance on you.
GILES: Ow!! God, no wonder I'm leaving you!
ANYA: What?!
GILES: Look! One-way ticket to London, and out of this engagement!
ANYA: Of all the nerve! Now look at what you've done! That thing is gonna eat my ring.
***
BUFFY: What the hell are you doing?
SPIKE: I thought they were demons.
BUFFY: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
SPIKE: Remind me not to help you.
BUFFY: *More* often?
SPIKE: Hey. Little sympathy for the man with the migraine here, can we?
BUFFY: Well, that's what you get for attacking a human.
SPIKE: Yeah. You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they'd at least make it so I could attack criminals and that sort.
BUFFY: Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten. Just have to get your rocks off fightin' demons.
SPIKE: There are other ways.
BUFFY: And to that, an extreme 'see you later.'
SPIKE: Buffy.
BUFFY: Spike ... it's late, okay, can we just finish this another time?
SPIKE: Oh, so you wanna jump right to the kissing then, eh?
BUFFY: I am not kissing you, Spike. Once was-
SPIKE: Twice.
BUFFY: But not again.
SPIKE: You're a tease, you know that, Slayer? Get a fellow's motor revving, let the tension marinate a couple-a days, then bam! Crown yourself the ice queen.
BUFFY: Need a few more metaphors for that little mix?
SPIKE: It's only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you, pet. You got no one else!
***
WARREN: Dude, what are you doing?
JONATHAN: We're not breaking into Langley here. It's Sunnydale.
ANDREW: Well, you never know what new stuff they have, better safe than-
WARREN: Okay, the security system here is a guy named Rusty.
***
ANDREW: See, that's cool. How come he gets to play with all the cool stuff?
JONATHAN: Because I'm allergic to methane and you're still afraid of hot things?
ANDREW: I know.
JONATHAN: Besides, the tank kept making both of us tip over, remember?
***
AMY: Mm-hm. Yeah. Just ... you know. Everything feels weird. I mean, it's like ... I felt like I was in that cage for weeks. But it can still be okay ... right? I-I can still get into the swing of things, like ... prom's coming up. I-I'm so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at- Oh. Oh god. He hasn't asked someone else, has he?
WILLOW: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.
AMY: How long was I in the cage?
***
BUFFY: Oh, Tara, hey- Amy?!
AMY: (to Willow) The whole school? By a giant snake thing. Okay, still adjusting. Hi Buffy.
BUFFY: Hi. How've you been?
AMY: Rat. You?
BUFFY: Dead.
AMY: Oh.
***
SPIKE: Uh, you know, as long as we're both here, you might as well tag along. I mean, as a team we could-
BUFFY: Yeah, that never really ends well, does it?
SPIKE: It did the other night.
BUFFY: You really seem awfully fixated on a couple of kisses, Spike.
SPIKE: And you seem awfully quick to forget about them.
BUFFY: Look. I'm sorry, okay? I'm-I'm sorry if you thought that it meant more.
SPIKE: But...
BUFFY: But ... when I kissed you ... you know I was thinking about Giles, right?
SPIKE: You know, I always wondered about you two.
BUFFY: What? Oh, gross, Spike! He left. I was depressed. Ergo vulnerability and, and bad kissing decisions. Okay, but, that's all that it was. You have to let it go.
SPIKE: Did it work?
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: You convince yourself?
BUFFY: Please, stop.
SPIKE: A man can change.
BUFFY: You're not a man. You're a thing.
SPIKE: Stop walking away.
BUFFY: Don't touch me! You're a thing. An evil, disgusting, thing.
***
SPIKE: That's right, you should scream. Creature of the night here, yeah? Some people forget that.
WOMAN: Please.
SPIKE: She thinks I'm housebroken. She forgot who she's dealing with.
WOMAN: Anything you want, please-
SPIKE: Just 'cause she's confused about where she fits in, I'm supposed to be too? 'Cause I'm not. I know what I am. I'm dangerous. I'm evil.
WOMAN: I-I'm sure you're not evil.
SPIKE: Yes, I am. I am a killer. That's what I do. I kill. And, yeah, maybe it's been a long time, but ... it's not like you forget how. You just ... do it. And now I can, again, all right? So here goes.
SPIKE: This might hurt a little.
***
WILLOW: Guys, I'm fine. What's the deal with-
ANYA: Oh, for crying out loud. This is bizarre. You're all, 'la la la!' with, with the magic, and the not talking, like everything's normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you and now everyone's scared to say anything to you. Except me. Is this that thing I do that you were commenting-
WILLOW: Guys ... it's okay. It's hard ... but i-it's better this way. Little things just ... starting taking over, things that didn't matter, but we saw them differently, so ... they got blown out of proportion. And, this time away will help us sort through things. Really. Now, let's just keep working on this. I don't wanna leave Amy alone in the house so long.
XANDER: Amy, is she ... how is she adjusting?
WILLOW: It's hard to say. It's a lot to take in. I keep expecting her to do, like, ratty stuff, you know, licking her hands clean, shredding newspaper, leaving little pellets in the corner.
BUFFY: Let's definitely not leave her alone in the house too long.
***
SPIKE: Knock knock, robot boy. Need you to look at my chip.
JONATHAN: Is that like, British slang or something? 'Cause we're not-
SPIKE: In my head, the chip in my head.
WARREN: We're kind of in the middle of something.
SPIKE: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
WARREN: Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like maybe playing your- What are, wait, what are you doing?
SPIKE: Examine my chip, or else Mister... Fett here is the first to die.
***
ANDREW: You're English, right?
SPIKE: Yeah.
ANDREW: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. Not Red Dwarf, though, 'cause, um...
JONATHAN: 'Cause it's not out yet on DVD.
ANDREW: Right. It's not out on ... DVD.
SPIKE: Warren!!
***
SPIKE: Help me out here, Spock, I don't speak loser.
WARREN: Okay, right, um ... your chip works fine, yeah.
SPIKE: There's gotta be something wrong-
WARREN: No, no, listen. I don't know what that thing does ... I'd like to...
SPIKE: Hey.
WARREN: But whatever it is, it works fine. There's no deterioration of the signal, it still is coming through on a steady pulse. Which it's supposed to.
SPIKE: If you're lying to me-
WARREN: No! It's all right here. I, I mean, it is. It's really not that hard to figure out, if you just... What?
SPIKE: You tell anyone about this...
WARREN: No, I promise. Who would I tell, I don't even know what this is about!
SPIKE: It's about the rules having changed. Everything's different now. Nothing wrong with me. Something wrong with her.
***
WILLOW: I know. Xander engaged, I couldn't believe it either.
AMY: It's just so weird. So what's she like?
WILLOW: Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia.
AMY: Well, that's so his type.
***
SPIKE: Slayer.
BUFFY: Spike?
SPIKE: Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone.
BUFFY: Spike?
SPIKE: Bloody hell. Yes, it's me.
BUFFY: You're ... calling me on the phone?
SPIKE: Just be there.
BUFFY: Why? Are you ... helping again? You have a lead on this frost monster thingie?
SPIKE: Something like that, yeah. Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.
BUFFY: What?! No, no-no grunting!
SPIKE: I was talking shop, luv, but if you got other ideas ... you, me, cozy little tomb with a view...
***
SPIKE: Slayer.
BUFFY: And so my night is now complete.
SPIKE: You never showed.
BUFFY: Sorry. Little busy actually doing stuff.
SPIKE: You shouldn't be so flip, luv.
BUFFY: What are you gonna do, walk behind me to death?
SPIKE: I'm just saying things might be a little different. You oughta be careful.
BUFFY: Enough. Get out of my way.
SPIKE: Or what?
SPIKE: Oh, the pain! The pain! Is gone.
SPIKE: Guess what I just found out. Looks like I'm not as toothless as you thought, sweetheart.
BUFFY: How?
SPIKE: Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong.
BUFFY: It's a trick. You did something to the chip, it's a trick.
SPIKE: It's no trick. It's not me, it's you. Just you, in fact, that's the funny part. 'Cause you're the one that's changed. That's why this doesn't hurt me. Came back a little less human than you were.
BUFFY: You're wrong.
SPIKE: Then how come you're so spooked, luv? And why can I - do that?
BUFFY: You're wrong.
***
SPIKE: Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love.
BUFFY: Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes.
SPIKE: I'm in love with you.
BUFFY: You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me ... because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?
SPIKE: Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?
***
SPIKE: I wasn't planning on hurting you. Much.
BUFFY: You haven't even come close to hurting me.
SPIKE: Afraid to give me the chance?
SPIKE: You afraid I'm gonna-
***
BUFFY: When ... When did the building fall down?
SPIKE: I don't know. Must have been sometime between the first time and the, uh...
BUFFY: Oh. Oh my god.
***
BUFFY: Shoe, need my shoe.
SPIKE: What's the hurry, luv?
BUFFY: The hurry is I left Dawn all night. And don't call me love.
SPIKE: You didn't seem to take issue with that last night. Or with any of the other little nasties we whispered.
BUFFY: Can we not? Talk?
SPIKE: I just don't see why you have to run off so quick. Thought we could-
BUFFY: Not gonna happen. Last night was the end of this freak show.
SPIKE: Don't say that.
BUFFY: What did you think was gonna happen? What, we're gonna read the newspaper together, play footsie under the rubble?
SPIKE: Not exactly what I had in mind.
BUFFY: Stop!
SPIKE: Make me.
BUFFY: No! No! No, no, I-I have to-
SPIKE: Stay. I'm stuck here. Sun's up.
SPIKE: I knew. I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be f-
BUFFY: What?! Is that what this is about? Doing a slayer?
SPIKE: Well, I wouldn't throw stones, pet. You seem to be quite the groupie yourself.
BUFFY: Shut up.
SPIKE: I'm just sayin' ... vampires get you hot.
BUFFY: *A* vampire got me hot. One. But he's gone. You're just... You're just convenient.
SPIKE: So, what now? You go back to treating me like dirt till the next time you get an itch you can't scratch? Well, forget it. Last night changed things. I'm done being your whipping boy.
BUFFY: Nothing's changed. It was a mistake.
SPIKE: Bollocks! It was a bloody revelation. You can act as high and mighty as you like ... but I know where you live now, Slayer. I've tasted it.
BUFFY: Get a grip. Like you're god's gift.
SPIKE: Hardly. Wouldn't be nearly as interesting, would it?
BUFFY: No! Let me go!
SPIKE: I may be dirt ... but you're the one who likes to roll in it, Slayer. You never had it so good as me. Never.
BUFFY: Uhh, you're bent.
SPIKE: Yeah, and it made you scream, didn't it?
BUFFY: I swear to god, if you tell *anyone* about last night, I will kill you.
SPIKE: Right. You're gonna want these, too.
***
WILLOW: Hey.
TARA: Hey. I just ... B-Buffy didn't come home last night ... either, so...
WILLOW: Uh, hey, uh ... this is Amy. Amy, Tara, Tara, Amy.
AMY: How you doin'?
TARA: Fine, I ... I'd b-better g-get going.
WILLOW: Amy! Amy the rat? Sorry.
AMY: No, that's fair. I was a rat.
TARA: When...
AMY: Last night. It's nuts, everything's different. I mean ... the Bronze, for one thing. And Willow! She's a freaking amazing witch now. I couldn't even keep up with her last night.
WILLOW: Amy.
AMY: No, it's true! I mean, I can do some transmography, but she is messing with dimensions and everything, it was awesome! This blowhard dude, first she made his mouth disappear? Thank god. And then- I'm talking too much. Sorry. It's just been ... you know ... me and a bag of pellets for the last few years, so...
TARA: No, it's, it's fine. It's just, um, I, I re-really need to go.
WILLOW: Tara, uh, you left some stuff upstairs, it's in-
TARA: I'll get them later.
WILLOW: Tara!
***
XANDER: Anya!
ANYA: I'm sorry, but this is pointless! We've been researching forever, and we're not even close to finding out who robbed that museum.
BUFFY: What's up?
XANDER: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
ANYA: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
XANDER: Please, she- Really?
ANYA: Of course. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness.
BUFFY: Guys, while this is fascinating, we still have work to do.
ANYA: I know I do! I can't decide whether to put my bridesmaids in cocktail dresses ... or the traditional burlap with blood larva.
XANDER: The traditional what?
ANYA: Well, I was a demon for a thousand years, you don't expect me to turn my back on all the ways of my people.
BUFFY: Uh, can I weigh in on this whole me wearing larva-
ANYA/XANDER: No.
***
RACK: Oh. This one's givin' off vibes.
WILLOW: I don't mean to ... vibe at you, I, if it's in a negative way.
RACK: No, no, I-I mean you ... have power, girl, it's just coming off you in waves.
WILLOW: Not so much. I mean, I-I can do stuff, but, I get tapped out quick, and I've used practically every spell I know.
RACK: And what do you want me to do about that?
WILLOW: I-I don't know, I, I thought- Amy said-
RACK: Amy said. Amy said I could help you. But did Amy say how you could help me?
WILLOW: No, I-I have some money, a-a bit-
RACK: Not money.
WILLOW: Well, I could help you with your computer, I'm really handy-
RACK: Just relax, I'm not gonna hurt you. You gotta give a little to get a little, right?
AMY: It's okay. It's over fast.
RACK: That's right. I'm just gonna take a little tour.
RACK: You taste ... like strawberries.
***
BUFFY: What's going on?
AMY: Uh-oh. Busted.
BUFFY: Where's Willow?
AMY: She said - she said I, I-I could -wait!
BUFFY: What is this?
AMY: It's not what you think it is, it's sage!
BUFFY: That is what I think it is. What's going on? Where's Willow and Dawn?
AMY: I ... I saw - I saw her, but that was - I like your coat. When does the slayer find time to shop?
BUFFY: So they didn't let you in?
AMY: Not that they know of.
BUFFY: What else did you take?
AMY: Nothing. Ow!
BUFFY: What else?!
AMY: Please! Please, I need this stuff. Willow wants me to have it, she understands.
BUFFY: Understands what? Breaking into someone's house for kitchen spices? No, I don't think so.
AMY: You should. She's as bad as I am, worse. Bet she's at Rack's right now.
BUFFY: Rack's?
AMY: A place. He does spells, heavy stuff. Willow's his new favorite.
BUFFY: She's there? With Dawn?
AMY: Ohh, don't shake me again, super strength. I think I'm gonna boot.
BUFFY: Then tell me where this place is, and I won't.
AMY: Well, it's downtown, but it moves.
BUFFY: What do you mean, it moves?
AMY: It's downtown, I'm, I'm not sure where it would be tonight exactly-
BUFFY: Tell me how to find it.
AMY: You just kinda have to feel it out ... oh god, I think I'm gonna-
***
BUFFY: God, do you sleep through anything? I was like yelling, and nothing.
SPIKE: I'm a bit knackered. Had a long night. Someone should teach you how to use candles in foreplay, luv.
BUFFY: Get dressed. Dawn's missing.
SPIKE: Again? Ever think about a Lojack for the girl? What's the story?
BUFFY: She went out with Willow.
SPIKE: Willow? That's kind of a sorry excuse to come by. If you want the touch all you need to do is-
BUFFY: Spike. Willow's into something. Okay, her and Dawn have been missing for hours. There, there's some guy named Rack.
SPIKE: Rack?
BUFFY: Yeah, he's, uh, some sort of-
SPIKE: I know who he is, he deals in magic. Black stuff, dangerous.
BUFFY: I've been all over downtown and I can't find his place.
SPIKE: Because he cloaks it. You can't feel it unless you're into the big bad - a witch or a vampire or-
BUFFY: So let's go!
SPIKE: Oh, that's right. Hide your blushing eyes.
***
DAWN: I'm serious, I think we should just get out of here.
WILLOW: ' I think we should just get out of here.' Come on, Dawnie, it's grownup time, do you wanna play with the grownups or not?
DAWN: Why are you acting this way?
WILLOW: Oh, don't get all weird on me, we're fine. Everything's fine.
***
BUFFY: Anything?
SPIKE: Not yet. I might pick up on it if you stop asking me about every two seconds.
BUFFY: Spike, if you're dragging this out...
SPIKE: What, so I can linger near your precious self? Get a grip.
BUFFY: Like you've never drawn things out before.
SPIKE: Maybe, but we've been through this, haven't we? Things have changed.
BUFFY: Will you quit that? The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. That's the power of your charms. Last night ... was the most perverse ... degrading experience of my life.
SPIKE: Yeah. Me too.
BUFFY: That might be how you get off, but it's not my style.
SPIKE: No, it's your calling. Gave me a run for my money, Slayer. Now, I admit it. You've had me by the short hairs. I love you. You know it. But I got my rocks back. You felt something last night.
BUFFY: Not love.
SPIKE: Not yet. But I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood. And the next time you come crawling, if you don't stop being such a bitch, maybe I will bite you.
BUFFY: That, that's it! I want you out of my life! Out of my work, out of my home-
SPIKE: Too late for that. You invited me in already. And as for your work, you need me. Like tonight.
BUFFY: I'll find Dawn myself.
SPIKE: You really gonna put your little sis in danger just to spite me?
***
WILLOW: Oh, it's okay, he's not real.
DAWN: Seems real! Very! Real!
DEMON: You summoned me, witch.
WILLOW: I, I didn't-
DEMON: Did. You raised hell with your magicks.
DEMON: Fresh.
WILLOW: Don't! She has nothing to do with it, it was me!
DEMON: Yessss.
***
BUFFY: What happened? Are you okay?
DAWN: Uh ... He was after Willow, she made the car drive, don't! No, don't!
BUFFY: I need to see, okay, let me see your arm.
WILLOW: Dawn? Oh god, there's blood.
BUFFY: (to Spike) Okay, we need to get her to a doctor.
WILLOW: Is she okay? Is she okay?
BUFFY: Back off, Will, I got her.
WILLOW: No, Dawnie!
BUFFY: I mean it, stay away from her!
WILLOW: Dawnie! Dawnie, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, it was an accident! I didn't see, I'm so, so sorry. Dawnie! Dawnie, don't! Dawnie, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm sorry! I'm sorry...
BUFFY: Get up.
WILLOW: I screwed it up, everything, Tara...
BUFFY: Yeah, you know what, you did screw up, okay? You could have killed her! You almost did!
WILLOW: I know! I know! I can't stop, Buffy! I tried and I can't.
BUFFY: You can.
WILLOW: I can't! I can't, I ju ... god, I need help. Please! Please help me, please.
***
BUFFY: I just don't understand. I don't understand why you'd go to see somebody like Rack, and I certainly don't understand why you'd drag Dawn into it.
WILLOW: I don't know. The magic, I ... I thought I had it under control, and then ... I didn't.
BUFFY: Because of Tara?
WILLOW: No. It started before she left. It's why she left.
BUFFY: Seemed like things were going so well.
WILLOW: It was. But I mean ... if you could be ... you know, plain old Willow or super Willow, who would you be? I guess you don't actually have an option on the whole super thing.
BUFFY: Will, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need magic to be special.
WILLOW: Don't I? I mean, Buffy, who was I? Just ... some girl. Tara didn't even know that girl.
BUFFY: You are more than some girl. And Tara wants you to stop. She loves you.
WILLOW: We don't know that.
BUFFY: I know that. I promise you.
WILLOW: I just ... it took me away from myself, I was ... free.
BUFFY: I get that. More than you- But it's wrong. People get hurt.
WILLOW: If something had happened to Dawn tonight ... something worse...
BUFFY: I know.
WILLOW: No, I don't think you do. I-I ... I was out of my mind, I ... I did things I can't even... It won't happen again, I promise. No more spells. I'm finished.
BUFFY: Good. I think it's right. To give it up. No matter how good it feels.
WILLOW: It's not worth it. Not if it messes with the people I love.
WILLOW: The magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff.
BUFFY: There you go.
WILLOW: Or ... keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra. Don't ask.
BUFFY: Now I don't have to.
WILLOW: 'Cause it's over.
BUFFY: Exactly. It's over.
***
DAWN: Candles?! We can't have candles?
BUFFY: Dawn, it's magic clearance. Everything must go.
DAWN: B-but they're just candles!
BUFFY: Well, yeah, you know, to you and me they're just candles, but to ... witches they're ... like bongs.
***
WILLOW: Hey Dawnie, uh, I'm making you a nice omelet.
DAWN: Not hungry.
BUFFY: Dawn, you need to eat something.
DAWN: Thanks for your concern.
WILLOW: Okay, I deserve the wrath of Dawn, but ... why is she taking it out on you?
BUFFY: Because I let it happen.
WILLOW: Buffy, I was the one who-
BUFFY: Who was drowning. My best friend. And I was too wrapped up in my own dumb life to even notice.
***
SPIKE: Morning.
BUFFY: What are you doing? And, here?
SPIKE: Just, uh, took a stroll. Found myself in your neck of the woods.
BUFFY: Couldn't find a less flammable time of day to take a stroll?
SPIKE: Yeah, well, the fact is my lighter's gone missing. Thought it might have, uh, dropped outta my pocket the last time I was here.
BUFFY: Haven't seen it.
***
BUFFY: Lame.
SPIKE: What?
BUFFY: You. Making up excuses.
SPIKE: Oh, don't flatter yourself, luv. Bloody fond of that lighter.
BUFFY: Stop trying to see me. And stop calling me that.
SPIKE: So, um ... what should I call you then? Pet? Sweetheart? My, uh ... little goldilocks? You know I love this hair. The way it bounces around when you-
SPIKE: Ah-ah-ah! This flapjack's not ready to be flipped.
BUFFY: What the hell is that supposed to- Stop that.
XANDER: Good Godfrey Cambridge, Spike! Still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen! Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. Well, unless she's a simpleton like Harmony, or a, or a nut sack like Drusilla-
BUFFY: Hey! You really need to get Dawn off to school. Let's go, go fetch her, okay?
***
BUFFY: Okay, you have everything you need?
DAWN: Yep.
BUFFY: And after school, you-
DAWN: Yeah yeah. Let's go, Xander.
BUFFY: You will come straight home.
DAWN: Sure. Maybe we can find some time for you to get me into another car accident.
***
SPIKE: So, we gonna chat this out, or what?
BUFFY: Uh ... now's really not a-a good time. Um, I have company.
SPIKE: No worries. I'll wait.
MS. KROGER: Um, Miss Summers, if you and your boyfriend would like to-
BUFFY: He is NOT- Not my, my boyfriend, he's, um, just ... a... Spike ... this nice woman is, uh, from Social Services?
SPIKE: Oh, right! Uh ... hey! Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis. Like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
MS. KROGER: I'm sorry, did you say-
BUFFY: Crib! He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang.
BUFFY: Uh, Spike, didn't you have to go now, you know, because of that thing?
SPIKE: Uh, thing, yeah. Uh, my blanket.
MS. KROGER: He sleeps here?
BUFFY: What? No! No. Oh, uh, the, the, the blanket. That's, um, uh, it's a security thing, you know. He ... has issues. Nope, just me and Dawn living here.
WILLOW: Buffy, I'm not feeling hot, so uh, I'm gonna take a quick nap, okay?
BUFFY: Okay, Will! That's Willow. She, uh, she kind of lives here too, actually.
MS. KROGER: Oh, so you live with another woman.
BUFFY: Oh! Oh, it's not a, a gay thing, you know, I mean, well... she's gay, but, but we don't ... gay. Not that there's anything - Oh! Wrong with... You know, I know what that looks like, but I, I swear, it's not ... what it looks like. It's *magic* weed. It's not mine.
MS. KROGER: I think I've seen enough.
BUFFY: No, a-actually, I really don't think that you have. It's just ... i-it's been kind of, kind of a, a bad time.
MS. KROGER: It's been a bad time now for a while, hasn't it, Ms. Summers? Your sister's grades have fallen sharply in the last year, due in large part to her frequent absences and lateness.
BUFFY: But there-there are good reasons.
MS. KROGER: Oh, I'm sure there are. But my interest is in Dawn's welfare. And the stability of her home life, something I'm just not convinced that an unemployed young woman like yourself can provide.
BUFFY: I can. I, I do!
MS. KROGER: Well, we'll just have to see about that then, won't we? Oh, and I'm, uh, going to recommend immediate probation in my report.
BUFFY: What does that mean?
MS. KROGER: It means that I'll be monitoring you very closely, Ms. Summers. And if I don't see that things are improving, well, I'll be forced to recommend that you be stripped of your sister's guardianship.
BUFFY: You can't do that.
MS. KROGER: I do what is in Dawn's best interest ... as should you. Have a nice day.
***
ANYA: Well, seems pretty obvious it's some kind of spell that's done this to her.
XANDER: Spell from who? You said it yourself, it makes no sense for one of her enemies to make her invisible.
ANYA: Maybe it's a mistake.
XANDER: A magical mistake. Who'd be messing with that kind of pow-
***
BOSS: I've, uh, got a few, so if you wanna discuss that case file now...
MS. KROGER: What? Oh! Oh yes, the, um, Summers file, it's, uh, it's right over here. Uh, it's a fifteen-year-old girl, living under her older sister's guardianship. The house is a complete-
BOSS: What is this? 'All work and no play make Doris a dull girl'?
MS. KROGER: What?
BOSS: 'All work and no play make Doris' - the pages are filled with it.
MS. KROGER: I ... I... I, I, I didn't do this, I ... It was the voice.
BOSS: Excuse me?
MS. KROGER: There was a voice, before. It made my coffee dance. It told me to-
BOSS: To ... what?
MS. KROGER: Nothing.
BOSS: Doris ... take the rest of the day off. See your doctor.
MS. KROGER: But what about my cases?
BOSS: We'll, uh ... put someone else on them. And have them redo the Summers interview.
***
SPIKE: Whatever beastie you are, I know you're here. And I hurt beasties.
SPIKE: Hey, watch it.
SPIKE: A ghost, is it? Go and haunt the living, like a good spook.
SPIKE: Buffy?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I told you ... stop trying to see me.
***
JONATHAN: What do you mean she's gonna fade away?
WARREN: The Slayer got slammed with a big-ass dose of radiation when the gun overloaded. Her cells are mutating at an accelerated rate. Eventually her molecular makeup will start losing its integrity and then ... pfft.
ANDREW: But, wouldn't that kill her?
WARREN: Well, lemme think. Yeah!
JONATHAN: Wait a minute! We're not killing anybody. Especially not Buffy!
WARREN: You guys are so immature! We're villains! When are you gonna get that through your thick skulls?
JONATHAN: We're not killers, we're crime lords!
ANDREW: Yeah! Like, like Lex Luthor. He's always trying to take over Metropolis, but he doesn't kill Superman!
WARREN: Because it's Superman's book, you moron!
ANDREW: But Lex doesn't kill him, does he?!
JONATHAN: Listen, Warren ... you get that ray working and the first thing we're gonna do is find Buffy and re-visible her before it's too late! You got me?!
WARREN: Fine. Whatever you guys say.
***
XANDER: What are you doing?
SPIKE: What am I ... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I?
XANDER: Exercising. Naked. In bed.
SPIKE: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. Gotta keep fit for the killing.
XANDER: Yuh-huh. Looks like you had a little trouble upstairs. Mini-disaster area.
SPIKE: So what, you just come here to criticize my housekeeping?
XANDER: No, uh, no. I'm looking for Buf-
SPIKE: Haven't seen her.
XANDER: Well, uh, you wouldn't. The fact is, she's come down with a slight case of invisibility.
SPIKE: Yeah? How did, uh...
XANDER: We don't know yet. Anyway, she's not at the house, and I really, really need to find her.
SPIKE: Uh, tell you what, I'll ... take a peek around first chance I get... and if we bump into each other, I'll clue her that you're on the lookout.
XANDER: After your ... exercises.
SPIKE: Yeah, right.
XANDER: You know, kidding aside, Spike ... you really should get a girlfriend.
***
SPIKE: That was bloody stupid.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: What's the matter? Ashamed to be seen with me? Come on. He had no idea I was here. This is perfect.
SPIKE: Perfect for you.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Well, picture me confused. I thought this was what you wanted.
SPIKE: What I want... This vanishing act's right liberating for you, innit? Go anywhere you want. Do anything you want. Or anyone.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: What are you talking ab-
SPIKE: The only reason you're here, is that you're not here.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Right. Of course, as usual there's something wrong with Buffy. She came back all wrong. You know, I didn't ask for this to happen to me.
SPIKE: Not too put off by it though, are you?
INVISIBLE BUFFY: No! Maybe because for the first time since ... I'm free. Free of rules and reports ... free of this life.
SPIKE: Free of life? Got another name for that. Dead.
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Why do you always have to ... I thought we were having fun.
SPIKE: Yeah, now! But sooner or later your chums are gonna work out a way to bring you back to living color. You need to go. Get dressed if you can find your clothes, and push off. 'Cause if I can't have all of you, I'd rather- Okay, that's cheating.
***
INVISIBLE BUFFY: I don't believe this. He threw *me* out? He threw *me*. Did I, like, fall into some ... backward dimension here? Is this Bizarro World? And after he's always going on and on about being the only one that understands me. 'We're alike, you and me. Birds of a bloody feather.' Uh! He's so ...
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hey, I'm walking here!
INVISIBLE BUFFY: Insensitive! That's what he is.
***
BUFFY: Pretty neat, you finding the van. So ... how did you manage to ... do it exactly? I mean, to locate it?
WILLOW: The hard way. The spell-free way. The oh-my-god-my-head's-gonna-fall-off, my-feet-are-killing-me way. I don't know how I got through this day.
BUFFY: Well, the important thing is that you did. It's a ... good first step.
WILLOW: How are you doing, post-invisibleness?
BUFFY: Okay. I still have to do some damage control from my giddy-fest. Dawn was pretty freaked out. The whole taking-a-vacation-from-me thing didn't work out so well.
WILLOW: Tell me about it.
BUFFY: Except ... when I got Xander's message ... you know, that I was ... fading away ... I actually got scared.
WILLOW: Well, yeah. Who wouldn't?
BUFFY: Me. I wouldn't. Not too long ago I probably would have welcomed it. But I realized ... I'm not saying that I'm doing back-flips about my life, but... I didn't ... I don't ... wanna die. That's something, right?
WILLOW: It's something. So I guess we both made good first steps.
BUFFY: I guess.
WILLOW: Yay for us.
BUFFY: Yay.
***
XANDER: Now I get Warren being the supervillainy type, but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson. I never even heard of this other guy.
WILLOW: You should have seen their headquarters. It was like the nerd natural habitat.
ANYA: Well, if we know where they are, shouldn't we do something?
WILLOW: We tried. Buffy was gonna go in there and bust them on the spot.
XANDER: I'm sensing a 'not so completely.'
WILLOW: Yeah, well, she went in, and then-
ANYA: Speaking of Buffy, isn't she ready? She's gonna be late for her first day.
WILLOW: Hey, respect the narrative flow much?
ANYA: Please continue the story of failure.
WILLOW: So, Buffy went in, but they'd cleared out. And she brought back the stuff that they left... spell books, some parchments, a couple of rare things, charmed objects, and a conjurer's harp... A-and they had other stuff, you know, Razor scooters, and pictures of the Vulcan woman on "Enterprise."
XANDER: Ooh! I mean ... nerds.
ANYA: Okay. See, this is why demons are better than people.
WILLOW: Interesting turn.
ANYA: When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately.
XANDER: Welcome to today's episode of 'Go Money Go!' I hear it daily.
WILLOW: Yep, for the rest of your life.
ANYA: But supervillains ... want reward without labor, to make things come easy. It's wrong. Without labor there can be no payment, and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America.
BUFFY: Good to know. I was kinda feelin' like a tool. And now I know why.
***
BUFFY: So ... what's the deal with Manny the manager? If I ask him really nice can I write a children's book called that?
GARY: Fill this while I get the fries.
BUFFY: Fill this? I didn't know there was gonna be drug testing on this job.
GARY: You're funny. You better stop that.
BUFFY: Why?
GARY: Productivity. One of Manny's watch-words. 'Levity is the time-thief that picks the pocket of the company.'
BUFFY: I prefer the one that goes, 'Manny's a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me.'
GARY: You really need to be quiet with that.
***
ANYA: Well, if you like the food here, honey, maybe we should get it for the reception.
DAWN: You're serving burgers? Cool!
ANYA: Well, time is running very short. After Willow gave us the 'whoosh' engagement party, I got slack on the planning 'cause I figured she'd help, but, well, now that's all been blown to hell.
WILLOW: Hey, standing right here! Standing right exactly here.
ANYA: Sorry. Didn't mean to tempt you.
***
BUFFY: This'll make my day complete. What?
SPIKE: What's in the DoubleMeat nuggets?
BUFFY: I'm working. Go away.
SPIKE: Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I'm a consumer. Service me.
BUFFY: Order something or go.
SPIKE: Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead. Some demons love 'em. The way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kinda demon you are, luv?
BUFFY: I am not a demon. I don't know why you can hit me, but I am not a demon.
SPIKE: Oh. I see. That why you took this job? Prove something to yourself? A normal job for a normal girl? Good way to drive yourself crazy, that is.
BUFFY: I'll be fine.
SPIKE: Buffy. You're not happy here.
BUFFY: Please don't make this harder.
SPIKE: You don't belong here. You're something ... you're better than this.
BUFFY: I need the money.
SPIKE: I can get money. Walk with me now, come on.
BUFFY: I ... I need to go help Gary with the fries.
SPIKE: You gotta get outta here, this place'll do stuff to you. This place'll kill you!
***
HALFREK: So, um ... you're marrying that man with the large upper arms?
ANYA: Yes.
HALFREK: Why?
ANYA: Well, because I love him.
HALFREK: Hmm.
ANYA: Oh, we're gonna be very happy together.
HALFREK: Hmm.
ANYA: What?
***
HALFREK: Tell me more about Xander.
ANYA: You keep asking about him. Do you think I'm making a mistake?
HALFREK: Do you?
ANYA: Well, no! Xander, he... He's very kind, and brave ... he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and ... he loves me. I mean, sometimes it isn't easy, but, he does.
HALFREK: Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?
ANYA: Well, you know, I'll do something, or say something, and, and then he has to say stuff like, 'it's incorrect for you to appreciate money so much,' or, or, 'Observe: here is how a real human would behave.'
HALFREK: Oh, so he corrects you?
ANYA: Well, no, it's just ... um ... well, no, I mean, now I'm all confused, I mean, wha, do you think there's something wrong with, with the way he treats me?
HALFREK: Do you?
ANYA: Okay, you have to stop doing that. I love Xander.
HALFREK: Even though he thinks he knows better than you?
ANYA: B-but he doesn't, he doesn't think that.
HALFREK: Okay. I'm sorry. I was just curious. You know, you don't have to say another thing about it if you're not comfortable.
ANYA: B-but I am! I mean ... it's not like I'm hiding any deficiencies or anything.
HALFREK: Hmm.
***
DAWN: Have you been demon-fighting? Is that why you smell funny?
BUFFY: No! I'm talking about... Ucch. That's great. That's, that's just great. I try to do the simplest thing in the world, get an ordinary job in a well-lit place, and look, I'm right back where I started. Blood and death and funky smells.
***
XANDER: People?
BUFFY: Xander, you ate the burger?!
XANDER: Well, first you say it's cat, then you come in and hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later 'oh and by the way, it happens to be hot delicious human flesh'!
BUFFY: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.
XANDER: *That's* your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?
***
DAWN: My friend Janice? Her sister's a lawyer.
XANDER: You think I should sue over the burger? That's interesting.
DAWN: No, I just mean... Buffy's never gonna be a lawyer, or a doctor. Anything big.
XANDER: She's a Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger.
DAWN: But that means she's gonna have like crap jobs her entire life, right? Minimum wage stuff. I mean, I could still grow up to be anything. But for her ... this is it.
XANDER: Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor, and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister.
DAWN: Oh, that's terrifically better. Thanks.
***
ANYA: I'm here! I'm here.
DAWN: We're doing chemistry.
ANYA: Oh. So sorry I hurried.
XANDER: Hey, did your friend have a good time? And then leave?
ANYA: She's gone.
XANDER: So, Ahn, the way she looked, with ... the face... That wasn't what you used to look like, was it?
ANYA: Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive?
XANDER: Okay, is there any answer to that question that won't make you nuts?
ANYA: Halfrek was always considered to be a great beauty.
XANDER: Well, hon, she was a little... there was some veinyness.
***
BUFFY: Uh ... we missed the bed again.
SPIKE: Lucky for the bed.
BUFFY: Is this a new rug?
SPIKE: Mm...no. Just looks different when you're under it.
BUFFY: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
SPIKE: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
BUFFY: I've been thinking about doing something to my room.
SPIKE: Yeah?
BUFFY: Yeah, I think the New Kids On The Block posters are starting to date me.
SPIKE: Well, if you want, I can... Are we having a conversation?
BUFFY: What? No! No. Maybe.
SPIKE: Hmm.
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: Well, isn't this usually the part where you ... kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering?
BUFFY: That's the plan ... soon as my legs start working.
SPIKE: You were amazing.
BUFFY: You got the job done yourself.
SPIKE: I was just trying to keep up. The things you do ... the way you make it hurt in all the wrong places. I've never been with such an animal.
BUFFY: I'm not an animal.
SPIKE: You wanna see the bite marks?
BUFFY: You know, it's late, I-I should ... get home before Dawn goes to sleep.
SPIKE: And she's off.
BUFFY: Have you seen my underwear?
SPIKE: What is this to you? This thing we have.
BUFFY: We don't have a ... thing, we have ... this. That's all.
SPIKE: Do you even like me?
BUFFY: Sometimes.
SPIKE: But you like what I do to you.
SPIKE: Do you trust me?
BUFFY: Never.
***
XANDER: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing.
ANYA: Come share in the joy of our groove thang.
WILLOW: And despite that, I succumb to the beat.
BUFFY: I think I'll catch the next Soul Train out.
XANDER: You sure?
BUFFY: Oh, yeah, you know, glass all the way empty. More nectar required.
XANDER: Cool, well, shimmy on out when you're done lubricating.
***
SPIKE: You see ... you try to be with them... but you always end up in the dark ... with me. What would they think of you ... if they found out ... all the things you've done? If they knew ... who you really were?
BUFFY: Don't.
SPIKE: Stop me.
SPIKE: No ... don't close your eyes. Look at them. That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me. Look at your friends ... and tell me ... you don't love getting away with this... right under their noses.
***
BUFFY: Don't think about the evil bloodsucking fiend. Focus on anything but the evil bloodsucking fiend.
***
SPIKE: So you thought you could just slip away, then? Vampire, remember? I could feel you.
***
SPIKE: All right. Listen to me. Buffy. Buffy!
BUFFY: She's dead.
SPIKE: It was an accident.
BUFFY: I killed her.
SPIKE: I'm gonna get you home.
BUFFY: No!
SPIKE: I'm gonna get you home, and you're gonna crawl in your warm comfy bed and stay there! We're gonna sort this out. Trust me.
***
SPIKE: You're not going in there.
BUFFY: I have to do this. Just let me go.
SPIKE: I can't. I love you.
BUFFY: No, you don't.
SPIKE: You think I haven't tried not to?
BUFFY: Try harder.
***
SPIKE: You are not throwing your life away over this.
BUFFY: It's not your choice.
SPIKE: Why are you doing this to yourself?
BUFFY: A girl is dead because of me.
SPIKE: And how many people are alive because of you? How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale.
BUFFY: That's all it is to you, isn't it? Just another body!
SPIKE: Buffy-
BUFFY: You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?
SPIKE: Why don't you explain it?
***
SPIKE: Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me. That's my girl.
BUFFY: I am not your girl! You don't ... have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never ... be your girl!
SPIKE: You always hurt ... the one you love, pet.
***
ANYA: Mm. The Rwasundi. Very rare. Um, its presence in our dimension causes a sort of ... localized temporal disturbance.
BUFFY: So that's why time went all David Lynch?
ANYA: Right. Uh, human perception is based on a linear chronology. Being exposed to the Rwasundi for more than a few seconds can cause, uh, vivid hallucinations. And a slight tingly scalp.
WILLOW: So that's it. These things just made you think you killed her.
XANDER: She was probably dead long before you stumbled across her.
BUFFY: It wasn't the demons. It was Warren. He knew Katrina. He had something to do with it, I know it.
WILLOW: How can you be sure?
BUFFY: You always hurt the one you love.
***
TARA: I-I've double checked everything. There's nothing wrong with you.
BUFFY: Then why can Spike hurt me?
TARA: Well, I said that there was nothing wrong with you, but ... you are different. Shifting you out of ... f-f-from where you were ... funneling your essence back into your body ... i-it, it altered you on a basic molecular level. Probably just enough to confuse the sensors or whatever in Spike's chip. But it's all just surfacey physical stuff. It wouldn't have any more effect than ... a bad sunburn.
BUFFY: I didn't come back wrong?
TARA: No, you're the same Buffy. With a deep tropical cellular tan.
BUFFY: You must have missed something. Will you check again?
TARA: Buffy, I-I promise, there's nothing wrong with you.
BUFFY: There has to be! This just can't be me, it isn't me. Why do I feel like this? Why do I let Spike do those things to me?
TARA: You mean hit you. Oh. Oh, huh. Really.
BUFFY: He's everything I hate. He's everything that ... I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when ... Don't tell anyone, please.
TARA: I won't.
BUFFY: The way they would look at me ... I just couldn't...
TARA: I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that.
BUFFY: Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?
TARA: Do you love him? I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're...
BUFFY: What? Using him? What's okay about that?
TARA: It's not that simple.
BUFFY: It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please... Please don't forgive me, please... Please don't... Please don't forgive me...
***
ANYA: Do you think we should set up lots of candles for Buffy's party tomorrow?
XANDER: Not if they're that horrible slug kind you keep trying to unload.
ANYA: I don't know why people get so turned off by slug.
XANDER: Honey, slugs get turned off by slug. (to Willow) Oh, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.
WILLOW: Slugs?
XANDER: No, the party. Or, Tara ... at the party.
WILLOW: Oh.
XANDER: It's just ... Buffy really wants her there. It seems important to her, so I told her I'd ask you.
WILLOW: Oh ... yeah, of course, she should totally be there. It'll be great.
***
XANDER: So, who's coming, you invite anyone else?
BUFFY: Just you guys. Willow, Tara. The gang. Oh, and Sophie from work. What? Like I'm one of those losers who can't make friends outside her tight little circle? No. I'm friendly. We bonded instantly. Peas in a pod. Bonded peas.
ANYA: Really? Um, what's Sophie's last name?
BUFFY: Okay, shut up.
XANDER: Don't worry about it, we're all over the new friend thing.
BUFFY: What ... new friend thing?
ANYA: Well, well ... we invited someone for you. A guy.
DAWN: For Buffy? Really?
XANDER: Ahh, don't worry, it's not a setup.
ANYA: Right. No. Just an attractive single man, with whom we hope you find much in common. And if you happen to form-
XANDER: Ahn-
ANYA: -a romantic relationship leading to babies-
XANDER: Ahn-
ANYA: -and many double dates with us so we have someone else to talk to, yay!
BUFFY: I assume this was an act of kindness? That'll help with the not throttling.
***
BUFFY: Hey! You made it!
TARA: Of course, sweetie. So, how're you doing?
BUFFY: Oh, you know. Better. Mostly. Sometimes.
TARA: So, is, um... Spike coming?
BUFFY: No. He may be a chip-head, but ... he still doesn't play too well with others. Besides, I'm definitely not ready to, to...
TARA: Come out.
BUFFY: Yeah. I'm all ... stay-inny.
***
RICHARD: Uh ... the guy with the...
BUFFY: Skin condition. He doesn't like to talk about it.
SPIKE: Stupid git!
TARA: I don't know. He seemed ... cute. W-was he cute? I mean, I'm not a very good judge, but...
TARA: I think he seemed cute.
CLEM: I think he seemed cute, yeah.
***
SPIKE: You wanna slip away for a minute, luv?
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: I'll let you blow out my candles.
BUFFY: Here. Now? I don't think so.
SPIKE: Oh, what, you worried about Richard? You don't wanna make your new boyfriend jealous, huh?
BUFFY: Shut up. He's ... sweet.
SPIKE: "Oh, shut up, he's sweet."
BUFFY: Maybe he's not the jealous one.
SPIKE: You think he'll take you out on his ten-speed, pet? (to himself) Maybe he'll let you ride in that little basket in the front. Jealous my ass.
***
BUFFY: Welcome! Uh, we're somewhere between, uh, presents and cake. There is gonna be cake eventually, right?
SOPHIE: Hey. Uh, my mom told me to say thank you right away, 'cause, otherwise I usually forget. So, thank you. And, also, um, I can't have any, any chocolate, or, or peanuts or egg yolks.
ANYA: Is this the friend you brought from work?
BUFFY: Yes.
SOPHIE: A-and sometimes dairy.
BUFFY: No problem.
ANYA: Our friend is better.
***
SPIKE: Ooh, Buffy. Can I get you a soda pop? I think I'm in looove.
BUFFY: Stop it. Someone's gonna see.
SPIKE: Mm-hmm.
SPIKE: I had ... a ... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.
TARA: A muscle cramp? In your ... pants?
SPIKE: What, it's a thing.
TARA: Right.
***
DAWN: Oh! We should totally have a slumber party.
BUFFY: Oh, I don't know... I guess, as long as everyone's staying up anyway.
SPIKE: Must be some late-night activities to keep us busy till morning.
TARA: How's that cramp, Spike? Still bothering you?
SPIKE: What? Oh. Yeah.
TARA: Maybe you, uh, wanna put some ice on it.
***
RICHARD: I can't be late today.
SPIKE: You should definitely go. Let's find your coat and get you on your merry way.
BUFFY: Spike.
RICHARD: I don't know why I'm not leaving.
SPIKE: Me either. Besides, Richie, you can't skip breakfast. Growing boy like you. Me, I used to love breakfast. In the old days, I probably would have eaten by now.
BUFFY: Of course, with that new diet of yours, you wanna be careful what you try puttin' in your mouth now, Spikey.
SPIKE: Yeah? I don't know. Tummy's making all kinds of gurglies. Maybe I oughta just feed on whatever's around... even if it doesn't go down well. You, uh, work out?
BUFFY: Okey-dokey. 'Scuse us.
BUFFY: Hey, Mister Passive-Aggressive Guy. Seriously, you wanna take it down a notch or two in there?
SPIKE: What, poor dainty Richard can't take a joke?
BUFFY: We do not joke about eating people in this house!
SPIKE: What are you gonna do, beat me up again?
BUFFY: I should have thrown you out the second you got here. I was insane to ever think you could just hang out with my friends.
SPIKE: And *I* was insane to think... No, wait. You were right. *You're* insane.
***
RICHARD: All right, somebody wanna tell me what's, what's going on here? We're trapped in a house by ... by what, some unseen force or something. Who knows what she's doing in there. And I have to tell you... I don't think that's a skin condition.
***
SPIKE: So, you ever think about *not* celebrating a birthday? Just to try it, I mean.
***
ANYA: Why is it so hot in here?
XANDER: You're just a little freaked out, that's all. It'll pass.
ANYA: He's gonna die. He's gonna die, and we're gonna watch.
XANDER: Ahn...
ANYA: And we're just sitting here. Why are we just sitting here? Why aren't we doing something?
XANDER: We are. We will. We've been through worse.
ANYA: Not like this. Not trapped like animals. Seriously, did someone turn on the heat? I can't breathe, I just ... oh, I just can't breathe ... I can't breathe...
XANDER: Ahn, stop. Stop, Ahn, stop! Listen to me. You're just freaking out, okay? It's normal. You're just ... you're just scared. We all are. We'll come up with a plan ... and we'll get through it, all right? We'll do something.
***
SPIKE: Well, we can't just stay put like cattle, waiting for that thing to pop out every time it gets peckish.
TARA: I'd say we do another spell, but I, I think we've tried everything.
ANYA: Well ... that's not completely true, is it? I mean, not everything. Not exactly. We're sitting here with an incredibly powerful witch ... much more powerful than you, Tara, I'm sorry ... only no one seems willing to say it.
WILLOW: I can't.
ANYA: No, see, that's not exactly true either. Not can't, won't.
WILLOW: You don't know how much I hate this. I don't know if there's even ... anything I could do.
ANYA: Yes ... and a good way to find out is to sit around and try nothing. That was sarcasm, by the way.
SPIKE: Look-
WILLOW: It's dangerous.
ANYA: And so is all of us dying!
XANDER: Will ... look, I don't wanna gang up on you ... but Anya kinda has a point. We brought you back from it once. We're all here, it's just one little spell, whatever happens, we can bring you back again.
WILLOW: No. I can't. If I start, I ... I might not be able to stop.
ANYA: And whose fault is that? You know, if you hadn't gotten so much of this in your system in the first place-
TARA: Hey! You're gonna back off! She said no, and that's it. You're not gonna make her do something that she doesn't want to. And if you try... You're gonna have to go through me first. Understood?
***
HALFREK: William?
SPIKE: Hey, wait a minute.
BUFFY: You guys know each other?
HALFREK: Uh, no. No.
SPIKE: Not really.
***
TARA: I thought vengeance demons only punished men who wronged women.
HALFREK: Oh, that was Anya's little raison d'être. Most of us try to be a little more well-rounded. And actually, we prefer 'justice demon.' Okay? FYI.
ANYA: Well-rounded, huh? Is that how you explain your thing for bad parents?
HALFREK: Oh, it's not a thing. The children need me.
ANYA: Hmm! (coughing)Daddy issues(coughing)
HALFREK: Sling all the little barbs at me that you want, Anyanka, it doesn't change the fact that this girl was in pain, and none of you could hear it. I could hear her crying out everywhere I went in this town. It was unbearable. And none of you knew. You people deserve to be cursed. Enjoy your time together. From now on ... all you have is time. Time ... and each other. Good luck!
***
WILLOW: Thanks ... for before. And, and for taking this stuff with you.
TARA: No problem.
WILLOW: Just so you know, I-I was never ... gonna use it. I mean, not really, I ... I just kept it like a safety net. 'Cause ... there was always this ... thing in the back of my head. This, you know, voice, saying, like, 'what if things get bad, I mean really bad? And what if you can't handle it?' A-and it made me panic, so ... that's why I kept a couple of things. I ... kept them so I-I didn't have to think about it, so I could focus on ... on getting better.
TARA: I get it. I-I really do. But it's time to work without the net, Will. You know, I don't know if you noticed, but it actually did get bad in there. Really bad, and ... and you still said no.
***
RICHARD: You have some weird friends.
XANDER: News from the file marked 'duh.'
***
VAMP: What's that smell? Geez, Slayer, is that you?
BUFFY: I've been working!
VAMP: Where, in a slaughterhouse?!
BUFFY: Double Meat Palace.
VAMP: Ohhh. You know what? Let's just call it a night. If it's all the same to you, and you've been eating that stuff, I'm not so sure I wanna bite you.
BUFFY: You're dead! You smell like it! How do you get to say I'm the one who's stinky?
VAMP: Really, it's, it's cool, I'll just catch you next time.
***
BUFFY: Oh, for pete's sake. Spike?
SPIKE: Ah, it's a fair cop, you caught me, Slayer. However, in all honesty, I think we have to say this one doesn't count. After all, I wasn't exactly hiding.
BUFFY: No, Spike.
SPIKE: No? What kind of answer is that, you haven't even heard the question yet.
BUFFY: I don't have to. We both know what you're thinking.
SPIKE: And we both know ... that I'm not the only one thinking it.
BUFFY: No! Not here.
SPIKE: Why not?
BUFFY: Dawn. She's inside waiting for dinner, she's counting on me. I'm not letting her down by letting you in.
SPIKE: So it's the fear of getting caught, then, is it?
BUFFY: Reason number one on a very long list.
SPIKE: Needn't be an obstacle.
BUFFY: Spike, I mean it. Come on.
SPIKE: I hear you're serious. So am I. I want you ... you want me... I can't go inside, so ... maybe the time is right ... for you to come outside.
***
DAWN: Some vamp get rough with you?
BUFFY: He's not getting any gentler.
WILLOW: He?
BUFFY: They. Them. You know. Vampires in the, in the ... general population sense. Now I'm gonna have to wash this.
***
DAWN: Your Arnold Palmer, milady.
WILLOW: Thanks. So how are Mr. and Mrs. High-Strung?
DAWN: I'm betting they explode.
WILLOW: You know, when I was little, I used to spend hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like. And now I look at them... I just think... "Nee-hee-hee!"
DAWN: You're awfully chipper tonight.
WILLOW: Can't hide it.
DAWN: Hmm. Big wedding coming up ... lots of date possibilities ... you and Tara are speaking again. You wanna call her? Invite her over?
WILLOW: Oh, no. Too soon for so bold a maneuver. But if I did call? She wouldn't hang up on me.
DAWN: That's progress!
WILLOW: Hence the happy.
***
BUFFY: Riley.
RILEY: Sorry to just drop in on you like this, Buffy.
BUFFY: It's you.
RILEY: It's me.
BUFFY: You're here.
RILEY: I know.
BUFFY: And ... were you always this tall?
RILEY: Look, this isn't the way I wanted it. But something's come up, something big. We don't have much time. You understand?
BUFFY: Not a word you've said so far.
RILEY: Right. I should have known, anticipated. You're working.
BUFFY: Well, just counter, not grill any more.
RILEY: I want to explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad, and now it's come to Sunnydale.
BUFFY: My hat has a cow.
RILEY: I know that I'm putting you on the spot, showing up like this, but ... but you know, here we are. I need the best. I need you, Buffy. Can you help me?
***
BUFFY: How's your arm?
RILEY: It'll heal. How you doin'?
BUFFY: Complicated question.
RILEY: I just meant-
BUFFY: I know.
RILEY: I hear ya. Got some, uh ... big stories to tell you to. If we ever get half a second.
BUFFY: Did you die?
RILEY: No.
BUFFY: I'm gonna win.
***
ANYA VOICEOVER: I think we died in this car on the way to the airport, and now we're stuck in hell.
XANDER: The radio said no traffic.
ANYA: It's a hell radio, of course it said that. We'll never get to the airport in time to pick up your stupid uncle.
XANDER: It just gives my uncle Rory more time at the bar. Trust me, he'll be happy.
ANYA: Great. So he can sleep off his drunken stupor on our newly re-upholstered couch.
XANDER: He can't afford a hotel.
ANYA: Why are you defending him?
XANDER: I'm not. I hate my uncle. I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you, to start a new family. Have children, make them hate us, then one day they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life.
ANYA: Well, the Gnarals are teleporting in in twenty minutes. If I'm not there to greet them? Somebody's getting incinerated.
XANDER: Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place?
ANYA: Well, I can only do so much, Xander. Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.
XANDER: Without the laughs. We should have eloped.
ANYA: No! I've been through too much planning this wedding, and it is *going* to happen. It is going to be our perfect, perfect day if I have to kill every one of our guests and half this town to do it.
XANDER: Mm. Cool Ranch?
ANYA: Cajun Fiesta.
***
WILLOW: Just so you know? I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
BUFFY: Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty.
WILLOW: Well, that's the beauty! You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.
BUFFY: Go nuts.
***
SPIKE: Buffy. Hey now. If I'd-a known you were coming, I'd-a baked a cake.
BUFFY: I need information.
SPIKE: Well, suppose I could be helpful. If the price is right. I'm not sure I'm selling out at Double Meat Palace wages, though.
BUFFY: I need to find a guy. Dealer. Calls himself The Doctor.
SPIKE: Human?
BUFFY: His traffic isn't.
SPIKE: Clock ticking?
BUFFY: Whatever he's doing, he's doing it soon.
SPIKE: Soon but not now?
BUFFY: Tell me you love me.
SPIKE: I love you. You know I do.
BUFFY: Tell me you want me.
SPIKE: I always want you. In point of fact-
BUFFY: Shut up.
***
SPIKE: Well, looky here. I don't usually use the word delicious... but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh? Me and your former? Must kill. What can I say? Girl just needs a little monster in her man.
RILEY: That's not why I'm here ... Doctor.
BUFFY: Oh god.
SPIKE: Here I thought we'd run you out of town, mate. Last time I saw you, if memory serves, you were getting the juice sucked out of you by some undead ladies of very questionable reputation. Now, be a good tin soldier and, uh...
RILEY: Where are they ... Doctor?
SPIKE: Where are what, and why do you keep calling me that?
RILEY: Glad to be back in Sunnydale. The locals all speak English, and I know who to beat for information. It's all brought me here.
SPIKE: Look, crew cut. She's not your bint any more. And if I can speak frankly, she always had a little thing for me, even when she was shagging you.
RILEY: Nice. That's very distracting. Now tell me, before I get unprofessional... where are the eggs, Spike?
SPIKE: Eggs? You're off your nut. It must be those drugs they were keeping you on. I did warn you.
RILEY: Okay. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the fatal way.
RILEY: Where are the eggs?
BUFFY: Look, the Doctor, it can't be Spike.
SPIKE: No need to defend me, luv.
BUFFY: Look, i-it can't be, okay? He-he's too incompetent. It's just Spike, Riley.
RILEY: Right. Deadly ... amoral ... opportunistic. Or have you forgotten? I'm taking this place apart until I find that nest.
SPIKE: Over my dead body.
RILEY: I've seen enough of your dead body for one night, thanks.
***
BUFFY: No more games.
SPIKE: Well, that's bloody funny coming from you! No more games? That's all you've ever done is play me. You keep playing with rules you make up as you like. You know what I am. You've always known. You come to me all the same.
RILEY: Can you shut him up?
BUFFY: Not so far.
***
RILEY: Buffy-
BUFFY: Riley-
RILEY: By mission parameters I'm done here. But I have authorization to take the Doctor out. Do you want me to do that?
BUFFY: Do I want you to... How can you ask me ... I'm sleeping with hi-him. I'm sleeping with Spike.
RILEY: I had actually noticed that.
BUFFY: And then you come back ... and did you wait until your life was absolutely perfect and then send that demon here so you could throw it in my face?
RILEY: Look ... you think this was easy for me?
BUFFY: Yeah! I think it was a rollicking adventure, fun for the whole family.
RILEY: I was terrified about seeing you again.
BUFFY: Well, I'm sure my incredible patheticness softened the blow for you.
RILEY: I don't know what you're talking about.
BUFFY: Riley, please don't patronize-
RILEY: Hey! You want me to say that I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that ... burger smell is appealing?
BUFFY: You smelled the smell?
RILEY: Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved ... and the strongest woman I've ever known. And I'm not advertising this to the missus ... but you're still quite the hottie.
BUFFY: You know, it goes away after many bathings.
RILEY: This isn't about who's on top. I know how lucky I am right now. I love my work, and I love my wife.
BUFFY: I know. And I kinda love her too.
RILEY: So you're not in the greatest place right now. And maybe I made it worse.
BUFFY: No.
RILEY: Wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down ... it doesn't change what you are. And you are a hell of a woman.
BUFFY: Riley, that night... I never got the chance ... to tell you ... how sorry I was. About what happened between us.
RILEY: And you never have to.
***
SPIKE: So she's back. Thought you'd be off snogging with soldier-boy.
BUFFY: He's gone.
SPIKE: So, you come for a bit of cold comfort? The bed's a bit blown up, but then, that was never our-
BUFFY: I'm not here to- And I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme, either. That's just you. I should have remembered.
SPIKE: So this is worse then, is it, this is you telling me-
BUFFY: It's over.
SPIKE: I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want.
BUFFY: I know that. I do want you. Being with you ... makes things ... simpler. For a little while.
SPIKE: I don't call five hours straight a little while.
BUFFY: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just ... being weak, and selfish...
SPIKE: Really not complaining here.
BUFFY: ...and it's killing me.
BUFFY: I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry ... William.
***
WILLOW: Buffy, it's hideous. Oh my god, Buffy. Look at its arms!
BUFFY: I know. But it's my duty. I'm ... Buffy the bridesmaid.
WILLOW: Duty-schmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all ... Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number?
BUFFY: No.
WILLOW: Oh.
BUFFY: That would be totally unfair. We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridesmaids-dom.
WILLOW: Well, maybe ... if I ask Anya, I can still go with the traditional ... blood larva and burlap. I mean, she was a, a vengeance demon for like a thousand years, she would know all the most flattering ... larvae. What was she thinking?
BUFFY: I think she's probably too stressed to be thinking right now. What with Xander's relatives and her ... demons.
WILLOW: Oh my god, last night, that rehearsal dinner. That was like a, a zoo without the table manners. And I bet it got worse after we left.
BUFFY: I just can't believe everyone bought that story about Anya's people being circus folk. Did you see the guy with the tentacles? What's he supposed to be? Inky the Squid Boy?
WILLOW: And Xander's family. I haven't seen them that bad since my bat mitzvah. Ugh, did you see how much they drank?
BUFFY: Kinda. Mr. Harris threw up in my purse.
***
XANDER: Is it too small?
BUFFY: Nah.
XANDER: It fit when I picked up the tux. How could it not fit now?
BUFFY: It'll fit.
XANDER: Aw, man, what if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund, and then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt? Buffy, that can NOT happen. I must wear das cummerbund!
BUFFY: And so... you... shall!
XANDER: Hey, you got it!
BUFFY: Slayer strength.
XANDER: And I've been meaning to cut back on that habit-forming oxygen.
BUFFY: Look at you. You look great, Mr. About-To-Get-Married. Glowing. Oh my god! Maybe you're pregnant!
XANDER: Maybe. I dunno. Maybe I'm just happy.
XANDER: Teary.
BUFFY: Oh! Good. Good teary.
XANDER: Happy teary? Not frustrated with bow-tie teary?
BUFFY: Yes. Happy. Happy for you. That makes me happy for me. You and Anya give me hope. It's like ... you two are proof that there's light at the end of this very long, long, nasty tunnel. And, I cannot tie this tie. Isn't, where's your best man, isn't she supposed to do this?
XANDER: Well, she said she had something important to do.
***
ANYA: Are you guys even listening? I need feedback, people.
TARA: Sorry. Please continue with the vows.
ANYA: 'I, Anya, promise to ... love you, to cherish you, ...to honor you, uh, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something? However, I do entrust you with...' What? Is something funny?
TARA: No, n-nothing, sweetie, just, just keep still.
ANYA: Okay. Blah, blah, blah, misogynistic. Blah, blah, 'I do however entrust you ... um, with my heart. Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because, it's all that I have. And, if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too.'
ANYA: 'I'll protect it and tend to it, like a little stray.' Wait, no. 'Like a, a little mangy stray that needs a home.' No, that's not it either.
***
D'HOFFRYN: Ah. Hymen's greetings.
DAWN: Hy - what?
D'HOFFRYN: Hymen, the God of Matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline.
DAWN: Cool.
D'HOFFRYN: I brought a gift. I suppose there's a table.
DAWN: Oh, uh... Halfrek. Hello.
HALFREK: Oh, please! Call me Hallie, we're practically family now.
DAWN: Hmm. Neat. I can put this on the table for you.
D'HOFFRYN: Thank you. Uh, careful, it's, uh-
DAWN: Fragile?
D'HOFFRYN: Squirmy.
***
XANDER: How do I look?
BUFFY: Well, let's see. Found your shoes ... your fly's zipped. I'd say you look like you're ready to get married. You're one of the decent ones, Xander. I hope I'm as lucky as you guys someday.
XANDER: You wanna get lucky? I've still got, what, fifteen, twenty minutes?
BUFFY: Oh! All right. Into the breach with you.
XANDER: Okay, breach me.
***
DAWN: Spike's here and he brought a total skank.
BUFFY: A-
DAWN: Skank! A manic-panicked freak who he's like totally macking with right in the middle of the room. I saw him shove his tongue-
BUFFY: Spike brought a date?
DAWN: Yeah. Wait till you see her.
***
OLD MAN: You can't get married today. It's a huge mistake.
XANDER: Yeah right, thanks for the advice, Uncle ... help me here?
OLD MAN: Uncle? You don't recognize me, do you?
XANDER: I'm sorry, I don't-
OLD MAN: It sounds crazy, I know. But you have to believe me. I'm Xander Harris. I'm you.
***
MR. HARRIS: Hey, what's this?
BUFFY: You must be so happy for Xander on his very special, once-in-a-lifetime day, huh, Mr. Harris?
MR. HARRIS: Nice chassis, what's under the hood? Rrowr!
BUFFY: You know, I could use a strong cup of coffee. Hey, let's get you one too, what do you say?
MR. HARRIS: Did you used to own a little square pinkish purse?
BUFFY: I did.
MR. HARRIS: I thought so. Hey, what do you say we slip in the back room and I show you my-
BUFFY: You finish that sentence and I guarantee you won't have anything to show.
***
SPIKE: Hello, Buffy.
BUFFY: Hey.
SPIKE: It's a happy occasion. You meet my friend?
BUFFY: No. Not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.
SPIKE: Is it working?
BUFFY: A little. It doesn't change anything ... but if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts.
SPIKE: I'm sorry. Or, Good! You want us to go?
BUFFY: No. No, I ... you have every right to be here. I pretty much deserve-
SPIKE: That's not true, you... God, this is hard.
BUFFY: Yeah.
SPIKE: I think we'll go.
BUFFY: Go where? To your place?
SPIKE: Yeah, I suppose. That was the idea.
BUFFY: Yeah.
SPIKE: Evil.
BUFFY: Of course.
SPIKE: But I won't. Or I... I'll just go. Give 'em my best or whatever. The happy couple.
BUFFY: I will.
SPIKE: It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, uh... you glow.
BUFFY: That's because the dress is radioactive. I should...
SPIKE: Yeah. But it hurts?
BUFFY: Yeah.
SPIKE: Thanks.
BUFFY: (to herself) You're welcome.
***
WILLOW: I'll say this for the Y chromosome ... looks good in a tux.
XANDER: Well, your double X's don't look too bad there, either.
WILLOW: You're getting married. My little Xander.
XANDER: All growed up.
WILLOW: It's a good thing I realized I was gay, otherwise, hey, you, me and formal wear... Do you know how much I love you?
XANDER: Mmm ... 'bout half as much as I love you.
WILLOW: You ready for the long walk?
XANDER: Um ... yeah, just give me a sec, I wanna work on my vows.
WILLOW: Take your time. It's not like we can start the wedding without you.
***
ANYA: 'I, Anya, promise to cherish you...' Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, 'I promise... to have sex with you whenever ... *I* want, and, uh... uh, pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your sex poodle...'
TARA: Uh, sex poodle?
ANYA: Yeah, why?
TARA: Um, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.
ANYA: Huh.
***
ANYA: Okay. For the last time. 'I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because ... I love you and I'll always love you. And ... before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really... and I had seen what love could do to people, and it was ... hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly there was you, and ... you knew me. You saw me, and it was this ... thing. You make me feel safe and warm. So, I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do.'
***
ANYA: Tell me what you did with Xander. What are you?
DEMON: You did this. You brought this on. I've waited a long time for this, Anyanka.
ANYA: Who are you?
DEMON: Remember Chicago? South Side, 1914? Stewart Burns. Philanderer! You'd think you'd remember. I remember you. But then again, you ruined my life.
ANYA: You were a ... I punished you.
DEMON: That's right. Some hussy I'd been taking around summons you, next thing I know, I look like this and I'm being tortured in another dimension.
ANYA: I forgot.
DEMON: Well, I didn't.
BUFFY: Anya!
DEMON: Every day I remembered ... and every day I thought how I would somehow get here, and ruin your life like you ruined mine. It didn't take much either. I scared off your fiance with a couple of phony visions.
ANYA: Visions of what?
DEMON: Your future. Or his nightmare vision of your future.
ANYA: That's it? That's all you did?
DEMON: Yeah, it was easy. Look at that, you're crying. Oh, I like that.
ANYA: Stop it.
DEMON: Oh, cry, Anyanka, cry. I love to see you cry. And now, I'd love to see you scream.
***
ANYA: Hey. It's okay. It's all over now, he's dead, and it was just smoke and mirrors.
XANDER: I know.
ANYA: So ... we're ready now. Let's get married.
XANDER: I... I'm not. I'm not ready. I can't, Ahn, I'm sorry.
ANYA: But it wa - it wasn't real. What he showed you, it wasn't real.
XANDER: I know it wasn't real. But it could be.
ANYA: What was it? Was it about me? 'Cause he wanted you to hate me, Xander.
XANDER: It wasn't you. It wasn't you I was hating. I had these thoughts, and ... fears before this. Maybe we just went too fast.
ANYA: Look, everybody has thoughts. It's natural, it doesn't mean that, that getting married is wrong.
XANDER: I know, I know...
ANYA: Look, you're just shaken up, okay? You just calm down and we'll start over, okay?
XANDER: We can't start over. If this is a mistake, it's forever, and ... I don't want to hurt you. Not that way. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
***
D'HOFFRYN: Are you okay?
ANYA: I'm tired... of crying. I'm just so tired, D'Hoffryn.
D'HOFFRYN: Oh, Anyanka. I'm sorry. But you let him domesticate you. When you were a vengeance demon, you were powerful, at the top of your game. You crushed men like him. It's time you got back to what you do best ... don't you think?
***
WILLOW: We missed you, where were you?
XANDER: I know, I tried calling, but I couldn't without...
BUFFY: Hey. You don't need to explain to us.
XANDER: Right. Is she here?
WILLOW: Oh ... n-no, you ... wanna find her?
XANDER: I need to. Her suitcase is gone and some of her stuff. There's a Closed sign on the Magic Box, which, like, chills me to the bone.
WILLOW: She left a couple days ago.
XANDER: Was she looking for me? Before she left, did she say anything?
WILLOW: You mean, between sobs? There was mostly just wheezing.
BUFFY: She was a little ... she was ... kinda broken.
XANDER: I don't know how stuff got so mixed up! I blew it.
BUFFY: No. Well ... maybe it wasn't the best time to break up with her, but...
XANDER: No. It wasn't about breaking up. I love her, and god, I miss her so much.
WILLOW: So, you left her at the altar, but you still wanna-
BUFFY: You still wanna date?
XANDER: I guess. I know that I'm a better person with her in my life. But things got so complicated with the wedding, and with my family, and with her ... demons, and ... what if it all goes to hell, a-and forever? But then I left ... and ever since ... I've had this painful hole inside. And I'm the idiot that dug it out. I screwed up real bad.
BUFFY: Hey. We all screw up.
***
SPIKE: You lookin' for me?
BUFFY: Really not.
SPIKE: Oh. Right then. Off you go. Did you cry?
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: The wedding. Two hearts joined for eternity, great pelting showers of rice and so forth.
BUFFY: You didn't hear.
SPIKE: What? Families get out of hand? Tear the place apart?
BUFFY: No. Well, yes, absolutely. But ... Xander left. The wedding didn't happen.
SPIKE: Well. Gotta say ... I didn't see that coming.
BUFFY: It was awful. Anya was devastated.
SPIKE: Is that right.
BUFFY: And, Xander ... thinks maybe they can still get back together, but ... he hurt her a lot.
SPIKE: Yeah, well ... some people can't see a good thing when they've got it.
***
XANDER: Spike. I shoulda known you'd be tagging along.
BUFFY: Hey, guys. I, uh ... I found Spike and was, uh, trying to figure out what kind of dangerous contraband he had.
SPIKE: Tell you what, Slayer. Let me get out of your way. I'll stop bothering you.
XANDER: Yeah, maybe you should do that, Spike, just run along.
SPIKE: You know, I guess you know all about that, don't you? The king of the big exit. Heard it brought the house down.
XANDER: I don't need this crap from you.
SPIKE: Right. Let's not listen to Spike. Might get a bit of the truth on you.
WILLOW: Okay, okay. Heh. Calm now. Let's, uh, turn around and release this very manly thing the other way.
XANDER: I forgot. Willy Wannabite can't hurt me. Dumb to pick a fight, I guess.
WILLOW: Xander.
BUFFY: Guys...
SPIKE: More than happy to beat you right through the pain, you pathetic poof.
***
BUFFY: I was, uh, checking houses on that list you gave me, and looking for Warren and his pals ... and then, bam! Some kind of gross, waxy demon-thing poked me.
XANDER: And when you say poke...
BUFFY: In the arm. It stung me or something, and ... then I was like ... no. It, it wasn't "like." I *was* in an institution. There were, um ... doctors and ... nurses and, and other patients. They, they told me that I was sick. I guess crazy. And that, um, Sunnydale and, and all of this, it ... none of it ... was real.
XANDER: Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! What? You think this isn't real just because of all the vampires and demons and ex-vengeance demons and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy?
BUFFY: I know how this must sound, but ... it felt so real. Mom was there.
DAWN: She was?
BUFFY: Dad, too. They were together ... like they used to be ... before Sunnydale.
WILLOW: Okay! All in favor of research? Motion passed. All right, Xander, you hit the demon bars. Dig up any info on a new player in town.
***
JOYCE: Are you saying that Buffy could be like she was before any of this happened?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Summers, you have to understand the severity of what's happened to your daughter. For the last six years, she's been in an undifferentiated type of schizophrenia.
HANK: We know what her condition is. That's not what we're asking.
DOCTOR: Buffy's delusions are multi-layered. She believes she's some type of hero.
JOYCE: The Slayer.
DOCTOR: The Slayer, right, but that's only one level. She's also created an intricate latticework to support her primary delusion. In her mind, she's the central figure in a fantastic world beyond imagination. She's surrounded herself with friends, most with their own superpowers ... who are as real to her as you or me. More so, unfortunately. Together they face ... grand overblown conflicts against an assortment of monsters both imaginary and rooted in actual myth. Every time we think we're getting through to her, more fanciful enemies magically appear-
BUFFY: How did I miss-
DOCTOR: and she's-
BUFFY: Warren and Jonathan, they did this to me!
DOCTOR: Buffy, it's all right. They can't hurt you here. You're with your family.
BUFFY: Dawn?
HANK: That's the sister, right?
DOCTOR: A magical key. Buffy inserted Dawn into her delusion, actually rewriting the entire history of it to accommodate a need for a familial bond. Buffy, but that created inconsistencies, didn't it? Your sister, your friends, all of those people you created in Sunnydale, they aren't as comforting as they once were. Are they? They're coming apart.
JOYCE: Buffy, listen to what the doctor's saying, it's important.
DOCTOR: Buffy, you used to create these grand villains to battle against, and now what is it? Just ordinary students you went to high school with. No gods or monsters ... just three pathetic little men ... who like playing with toys.
***
BUFFY: I feel so lost.
WILLOW: I know. You're confused. It's, it's that crazy juice inside you.
BUFFY: It's more than that. Even before the demon ... I've been so detached.
WILLOW: We've ... all been kind of slumming.
BUFFY: Every day I try to ... snap out of it. Figure out why I'm like that.
WILLOW: Buffy, look at me. You are not in an institution. You have never been in an institution.
BUFFY: Yes, I have.
WILLOW: What?
BUFFY: Back when I saw my first vampires... I got so scared. I told my parents ... and they completely freaked out. They thought there was something seriously wrong with me. So they sent me to a clinic.
WILLOW: You never said anything.
BUFFY: I was only there a couple of weeks. I stopped talking about it, and they let me go. Eventually ... my parents just ... forgot.
WILLOW: God. That's horrible.
BUFFY: What if I'm still there? What if I never left that clinic?
WILLOW: Buffy ... Buffy, you're not. I'm ... so sorry you had to go through that. But, i-it's the past. You've got to trust me. We're gonna get you that antidote. Xander's hunting the demon right now.
BUFFY: Alone? Will, he can't. It's too strong.
WILLOW: Oh, it's okay. We got help.
***
SPIKE: So, she's having the wiggins, is she? Thinks none of us are real. Bloody self-centered, if you ask me.
XANDER: Spike, we need muscle, not color commentary.
SPIKE: On the other hand, it might explain some things -- this all being in that twisted brain of hers. Yeah. Thinks up some chip in my head. Make me soft, fall in love with her, then turn me into her soddin' sex slave-
XANDER: What?!
SPIKE: Nothing. Alternative realities. Where we're all little figments of Buffy's funny-farm delusion. You know, in a different reality, you might not have left your bride at the altar. You might have gone through with it like a man.
XANDER: Okay, one more syllable about Anya-
SPIKE: Oh, balls. You didn't say he was a glarghk guhl kashma'nik
XANDER: 'Cause I can't say glar-
***
SPIKE: I'll hold here, keep an eye on the wax job.
XANDER: Make sure that's all you're ogling.
WILLOW: Xander!
***
BUFFY: What happened?
WILLOW: It took a little longer than I'd hoped. No magic and all. Went boom twice, but then I got it. Just ... when it's cool, drink it all down, and ... everything should go back to normal.
BUFFY: You never stop coming through. Thank you, Willow.
SPIKE: How is she?
WILLOW: Make sure she drinks all that. I'm gonna let Dawn know that everything's gonna be okay.
SPIKE: You all right?
BUFFY: You need to leave me alone. You're not part of my life.
SPIKE: Fine, then. You know, but I hope you don't think this an- I hope you don't think this antidote's gonna rid you of that nasty martyrdom. See, I figured it out, luv. You can't help yourself. You're not drawn to the dark like I thought. You're addicted to the misery. It's why you won't tell your pals about us. Might actually have to be happy if you did. They'd either understand and help you, god forbid ... or drive you out ... where you can finally be at peace, in the dark. With me. Either way, you'd be better off for it, but you're too twisted for that. Let yourself live, already. And stop with the bloody hero trip for a sec. We'd all be the better for it. You either tell your friends about us ... or I will.
***
BUFFY: Oh ... please, help me. I-I wanna go home, with you and dad.
JOYCE: I know, Buffy. But first you've gotta get better.
DOCTOR: It's not gonna be easy, Buffy. You have to take it one step at a time. You have to start ridding your mind of those things that support your hallucinations. You understand? There are things in that world that you cling to. For your delusion, they're safe-holds, but for your mind they're traps. We have to break those down.
BUFFY: Slaying?
DOCTOR: Yes ... but I'm talking about those things you want there. What keeps you going back.
BUFFY: My friends.
DOCTOR: That's right. Last summer, when you had a momentary awakening, it was them that pulled you back in.
JOYCE: They're not really your friends, Buffy. They're just ... tricks keeping you from getting healthy.
DOCTOR: You have to do whatever it takes to convince yourself of that, Buffy. Whatever it takes.
***
XANDER: Hey, there, sane girl. So did Willow get that antidote to you all right?
BUFFY: Yeah. I'm better now.
XANDER: Great. So, it's settled. We're, uh, we're real, right? Guess we should finish off that demon and drag it out of the basement. And tell me you're up for that. I so don't wanna see Spike right now. I mean, talk about losing touch. Hate to say it, but I almost... feel sorry for the guy. Almost. The things the poor guy was saying ... I mean, I get it, you know. Been a part of the Buffy obsess-
***
DAWN: Buffy ... look at me. I'm right here. You're my sister. I need you and love you. Somewhere inside you must know that's real.
BUFFY: Sure it is. 'Cause what's more real? A sick girl in an institution...
DAWN: Don't. Please. Listen to me.
BUFFY: Or some kind of supergirl ... chosen to ... fight demons and... save the world. That's ridiculous. A girl who sleeps with the vampire she hates?! Yeah, that makes sense.
DAWN: No! Buffy, stop! I'm real!
***
JOYCE: Buffy? Buffy! Buffy, fight it. You're too good to give in, you can beat this thing. Be strong, baby, ok? I know you're afraid. I know the world feels like a hard place sometimes, but you've got people who love you. Your dad and I, we have all the faith in the world in you. We'll always be with you. You've got ... a world of strength in your heart. I know you do. You just have to find it again. Believe in yourself.
BUFFY: You're right. Thank you. Good-bye.
***
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, there's no reaction at all. I'm afraid we lost her.
***
SPIKE: How you doin'?
BUFFY: Oh, fine. You know, same old same old.
SPIKE: Here, I could take care of this guy if you want.
BUFFY: Whatever. Your call.
SPIKE: I mean, sure he don't look like much...
VAMP 2: Hey!
SPIKE: ...but I'd wager he could give you a bit o' nasty. Save you the staking. All you gotta do is-
BUFFY: I am not telling my friends about us.
SPIKE: Right, I'll just be dropping him down to you then.
BUFFY: You wanna tell them so badly? Go ahead. You know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week ... and guess how much they hate me. Zero. Zero much. So I'm thinking, sleeping with you? They'll deal.
SPIKE: In that case, why won't you sleep with me again?
VAMP 2: Huh?
BUFFY: Because I don't love you.
SPIKE: Like hell.
***
BUFFY: Okay, how about this store?
DAWN: Ah. Three pairs of earrings, a coin purse and a toothbrush.
BUFFY: You stole a toothbrush.
DAWN: A mother-of-pearl handle. Very fancy.
BUFFY: Yeah, but you stole a toothbrush. As far as rebellious teenagers go, you're kinda square.
DAWN: Dental hygiene is important.
BUFFY: Guess this was kind of a lame sisters' day out, huh? I make up for trying to kill you by taking you to places you can't go in.
DAWN: No, it's my bad. I'm the one that got caught taking stuff.
BUFFY: Hey, how about the pet store? You didn't take anything from there, did you?
DAWN: A pocketful of goldfish. It didn't work out. No!
BUFFY: Okay, good. We can go, and we can look at all the puppies.
DAWN: Ehh. It's so awful! There's puppy mills, and keeping them in cages, and, and people poking at them all day.
BUFFY: Yeah, but puppies, cute! Come on, you used to love the pet store.
DAWN: Yes, when I was in my fives and sixes. Uh, come on, we'll go look. Besides, I don't think there's another store here where I can ... show my face.
BUFFY: It'll pass. You've returned all the stuff that you still had, and we're paying for the rest.
DAWN: I'm paying for the rest.
BUFFY: We'll figure it out.
***
XANDER: I know there's nothing that I can say or do to make up for what I did. I can't. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, 'oh god, is this my life? Was that me?'
ANYA: Me too.
XANDER: But you gotta believe me, please. I want to make up for it. I want to take away the hurt. I love you so much. I, I may have practiced that a couple times in front of the mirror.
ANYA: I just ... don't understand what happened.
XANDER: I do. I'm an idiot. All I had to do was say something earlier. I could have spared you from that ... that nightmare.
ANYA: Said something about what?
XANDER: No, no! I mean, you know, if I were, like, more ... self-aware. Because, with the whole idiot thing.
ANYA: If you had been more self-aware, you would have what? Been able to stop the wedding?
XANDER: No no, it's not like that, that's not what... Okay, see, I didn't practice this part.
ANYA: Do you still want to get married?
ANYA: Oh.
XANDER: Ahn, it's a very complicated question.
ANYA: No, actually, it's really not. It's kind of an either-or deal. Do you want to get married?
XANDER: Someday, yes, very much. When we're ready. I don't want you to take this as a bad thing. It's good. I love you, I love you so much, I'm just trying to be honest with you.
ANYA: Yes, honesty *now*. Congratulations, Xander, on being honest now. I wonder what the medal will say.
XANDER: Okay, clearly I'm not handling this well.
ANYA: Well, duh!
***
WILLOW: Well, it was this thing, it just came out from inside her head.
TARA: That's disgusting! What did it look like?
WILLOW: Well, let's put it this way, if I wasn't gay before...
TARA: God, and this was *after* the invisible ray?
WILLOW: Yep.
TARA: Okay, I'm gone for a couple of months-
WILLOW: Oh, did I tell you about the demon eggs?
TARA: See, now, now I know you're just trying to make me jealous.
WILLOW: So, what, no rollicking adventures in the dorms?
TARA: Mm, it's not the same. It's not like living with a house full of family, or sharing a room with someone you...
WILLOW: ...are friends with?
***
BUFFY: I don't think he could feel any worse.
ANYA: Let's test that theory.
BUFFY: Anya, Xander's my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and ... if it had happened to me, I'd-
ANYA: Wish his penis would explode?
***
XANDER: And I'm supposed to what? Walk away? Shouldn't be too hard. It's what I'm good at, right?
BUFFY: Okay, see, that's exactly why a heart-to-heart is probably not your best course of action right now. When you're both angry and upset and ... what the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? Did Willow put that there when I was dead? 'Cause if I had known, I would have crawled out of the grave sooner to-
XANDER: Buffy.
BUFFY: Oh my god.
XANDER: Looks like someone's been keeping an eye on all your ins and outs.
BUFFY: What the who?
XANDER: Well, now, let's see. Who's obsessed with Buffy? Who likes to hang out in her yard and keep an eye on her? Who's in love with you and not getting any?
***
SPIKE: What's this?
BUFFY: It's a camera.
SPIKE: Yeah, I got that part. Why am I holding it?
BUFFY: Someone was using it to spy on me. On my house. Xander thinks it's you.
SPIKE: Oh, the great Xander thinks so! Shudder gasp! It must be true!
BUFFY: Spike-
SPIKE: That ponce has always had it for me. Every chance he gets, he sticks it- You believe him, don't you? You think I was spying on you. You think I could do that?
BUFFY: Because you don't lie or cheat or steal or manipulate...
SPIKE: I don't hurt you.
BUFFY: I know.
SPIKE: No, you don't. I've tried to make it clear to you, but you won't see it. Something happened to me. The way I feel ... about you ... it's different. And no matter how hard you try to convince yourself it isn't, it's real.
BUFFY: I think it is. For you. I know that's not what you want to hear. I'm sorry. I really am. But, Spike, you have to move on. You have to get over-
SPIKE: Get out.
***
SPIKE: So then, this girl says, "real for *you*."
ANYA: Right. But getting back to Xander...
SPIKE: Xander. Let's not waste any more breath on that wanker.
ANYA: But he made a fool of me. And nobody seems to care enough to do anything!
SPIKE: I care. What he done to you? I've never stooped that low, and I'm an 'evil, soulless thing.' According to some people.
ANYA: But shouldn't he pay? Don't you wish he had to pay in some horrible way?
SPIKE: Absolutely. Take him on myself, if it wasn't for my little handicap.
ANYA: Right. So ... hypothetically, what do you wish you could do to him?
SPIKE: You name it, pet. You're the wronged party. Something, uh... gruesome, how 'bout?
***
ANYA: Thing about it is, none of this was my idea. I didn't ask to be human.
SPIKE: Right! And I didn't ask for this bloody chip in my head.
ANYA: To tell you the truth ... all I wanted was to use him and lose him. I hadn't had a good tumble in a thousand years...
SPIKE: Me too. The using part. I just wanted to know what I was missing, move on.
ANYA: Yeah ... and he was ... all bumpy ... in the right places. And nice to me...
SPIKE: She was so raw. I've never felt anything like it.
ANYA: Next thing you know ... I'm changing to please him. I care if he cares!
SPIKE: Right.
ANYA: And I'm off my guard. Happy! I'm singing in the shower and doing my sexy dance?!
SPIKE: Exactly. I ... have no dance.
***
ANYA: I did everything for that man. Was it ever enough?
SPIKE: Never! I was always going above and beyond. I saved the Scoobies how many times? And I can't stand the lot of you.
ANYA: Me either! I hate us! Everybody's so *nice.* Nobody says what's on their mind.
SPIKE: You do. That's why you're the only one of them I wouldn't bite if I had the chance.
ANYA: Really?
SPIKE: Absolutely. I have nothing but respect for a woman who is forthright. Drusilla was always straightforward. Didn't have a single buggering clue about what was going on in front of her, but she was straight about it. That's a virtue.
ANYA: Mm. Xander didn't think so. He thought I was rude.
SPIKE: That's because he's one of them. Uptight. Repressed.
ANYA: You think?
SPIKE: Please. It's no wonder they couldn't deal with the likes of you and me, luv. We should have been dead hundreds of years ago ... and we're the only ones who are really alive.
***
ANYA: This is the first time since ... It feels good to be with someone who understands.
SPIKE: Intimately.
ANYA: This whole time, I've been coming on all ... hell-bent and mad. Wanting his head, you know?
SPIKE: Yeah.
ANYA: When, really, I ... can't sleep at night, thinking it ... has to be my fault, somehow...
SPIKE: Shh...
ANYA: What if it was just pretending? What if he never wanted me ... the way I wanted him? Ohh. I'm sorry.
SPIKE: Now now. He would have to be more than just the git he is, Anya. He'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want a woman like you.
ANYA: Then why?
SPIKE: The two of them ... they're weak, is all. But, I'll tell you what, though. They'll, uh, miss the water now that the well's gone dry.
***
ANYA: You know I'm only doing this 'cause I'm ... I'm lonely and drunk and you ... smell really good.
SPIKE: See? Forthright.
***
JONATHAN: Oh my god.
WARREN: What is that, p-porn?
JONATHAN: Oh my god.
WARREN: Is that the cam in the Magic Box?
JONATHAN: Oh my god.
ANDREW: What are they ... ohh.
WARREN: Is that-
JONATHAN: Spike.
ANDREW: He is so cool. And, I mean, the girl is hot too.
WARREN: Dude.
***
DAWN: So. This is it? This is the stuff you've been protecting me from? You and Spike?
BUFFY: And a lot of monsters.
DAWN: Uh-huh.
BUFFY: But it's over. Spike.
DAWN: I wish you'd told me.
BUFFY: I kinda didn't wanna admit it to myself.
DAWN: I get that.
***
XANDER: Get up. Get up! You're just gonna sit there? Do nothing? That the kinda man you are?
SPIKE: I'm not gonna fight you. Chip.
XANDER: Too bad.
ANYA: Xander, no! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
ANYA: Xander, I...
XANDER: Don't even try to deny it. 'Cause I saw it all. The whole beautiful show.
ANYA: How...? It was just, it ... it was just a thing. I ... I felt bad, and he was just ... there.
BUFFY: (to Spike) Didn't take long, did it?
XANDER: Oh, oh, oh, okay! You had to do it. Because he was there. Like Mt. Everest. Like I used to be.
ANYA: And then you weren't. You left *me,* Xander. At the altar. I don't owe you anything.
XANDER: So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive?
ANYA: Where do you get off judging me?!
XANDER: When this is your solution to our problems. I hurt you, and you hit me back? Very mature.
ANYA: No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes, so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure little boy!
XANDER: I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you ... and I feel sick. 'Cause you had sex with that.
SPIKE: It's good enough for Buffy.
XANDER: Shut up and leave her out of...
ANYA: Buffy?
BUFFY: Xander...
XANDER: I don't want to know this. I don't want to know any of this.
***
TARA: Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.
WILLOW: Tara?
TARA: You can't ever ... put them back the way they were.
WILLOW: Are you okay?
TARA: I'm sorry, it's just ... You know, it takes time. You can't just ... have coffee and expect-
WILLOW: I know.
TARA: There's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides ... You have to learn if ... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives. It's a long... important process, and ... can we just skip it? Can-can you just be kissing me now?
***
WILLOW: Yeah, I'm not really worried about her going up against Warren and the others. I know this is going to sound crazy, but ... I think something might be going on. With Spike and Buffy. I mean, she looked so hurt when she saw him with Anya. I think maybe-
TARA: They've been sleeping together.
WILLOW: No. I wouldn't go that far.
TARA: No, I mean she told me they've been sleeping together.
WILLOW: Sleeping together? You mean like the naked kind of together?
TARA: I'm sorry I didn't say anything, but I, I promised her I wouldn't.
WILLOW: Does everybody else know? Am I the only one she didn't-
TARA: God, no. She, she didn't even mean to tell me, it just came out.
WILLOW: How could she hide something like this from me?
TARA: I think she was afraid of the look you'd get on your face. Kinda like the one you're wearing now.
WILLOW: Oh, no, I'm not ... I'm just trying to understand.
TARA: So is she.
***
SPIKE: Not planning a camp-out, are we?
DAWN: No. I'm sleeping over at Janice's. Figured Willow and Tara might want some time to, uh...
SPIKE: Oh, so the birds are flying again, eh? Ain't love grand.
DAWN: I wanted to stop by on my way and, you know. Everybody's pretty mad at you.
SPIKE: Yeah. Kinda picked up on that.
DAWN: You're not going to be coming aroundanymore. Are you?
SPIKE: It's complicated, Nibblet.
DAWN: Everybody's been saying that.
SPIKE: Must be true then.
DAWN: Was it worth it? What you did with Anya?
SPIKE: Buffy told you?
DAWN: Kinda caught the show. There was a camera somewhere in the Magic Box. Warren and Jonathan and that other guy have been watching Buffy.
SPIKE: Wankers! Dawn walks down the steps and a few feet into the room.
DAWN: Do you love her?
SPIKE: Oh, no. No. It was just a ... It was a bad day. For both of us. And we just had a few drinks and, things just-
DAWN: No. Not Anya. Buffy.
DAWN: Do you really love her?
DAWN: Then how could you do that to her?
SPIKE: Oh, right , 'cause Big Sis was treating me so well up until that point. Must still be a bit of the evil left in me after all.
DAWN: I don't know what happened betweenyou two. But what you did last night ... If you wanted to hurt Buffy, congratulations. It worked.
***
BUFFY: She loves you. You know that. Anya was just ... She was hurting. She was ... hurting and, and she did this really stupid thing.
XANDER: With your boyfriend.
BUFFY: He's not my boyfriend.
XANDER: I know why Anya ... I understand, I do. But you... All those times I told Spike to get lost ... that he didn't have a chance with a girl like you.
BUFFY: You don't know how hard it's been.
XANDER: What, lying to me?
BUFFY: Being here. After I was brought back. You have no idea how hard it is just being here.
XANDER: You could have told me.
BUFFY: You didn't want to know.
XANDER: So you went to him instead?
BUFFY: Xander, what I do with my personal life is none of your business.
XANDER: It used to be.
BUFFY: It just happened, okay?
XANDER: Oh, like, uh, "Say, you're evil. Get on me"?
BUFFY: You fought side by side with him when I was gone. You let him take care of Dawn.
XANDER: But I never forgot what he really is. God, what were you thinking?
BUFFY: You're asking me that? Oh, 'cause your decision making skills have really sparkled lately.
XANDER: I'm not saying I didn't make any mistakes. But last time I checked, slaughtering half of Europe wasn't one of them. He doesn't have a soul, Buffy. Just some leash they jammed in his head. You think he'd still be all snuggles if that chip ever stopped working? Would you still trust him with Dawn then?
BUFFY: It doesn't matter. I'm not seeing him anymore. It's over.
XANDER: Yeah. There's a lot of that going around.
***
WOMAN: You're all wet.
XANDER: It's a good thing I'm part fish.
WOMAN: Which part?
XANDER: The part with the hook in it.
WOMAN: Careful. Someone might reel you in.
XANDER: Yeah, but then there'd be the flopping and the ... gasping, and ... sure, maybe it'd work out, but chances are I'd up and leave you at the helm in your white dress. Then find you spawning with another fish who turns out to be spawning my very good friend night and day behind my back. Then comes the fighting and again with the flopping and the gasping, 'cause hey , Chicken of the Sea here's not doing too good with the women these days.
WOMAN: Huh?
XANDER: Sorry, I'm just looking to curl up with the quiet alone tonight.
***
SPIKE: You hurt? You're not moving so well.
BUFFY: Get out.
SPIKE: We have to talk.
BUFFY: I really don't.
SPIKE: Well, this isn't just about you... as much you'd like it to be.
BUFFY: You spoke. I listened. Now leave.
SPIKE: I'm sorry. Not that it matters any more, but I needed you to know that.
BUFFY: Why?
SPIKE: Because I care about you.
BUFFY: Then you might want to try the not sleeping with my friends.
SPIKE: I didn't go to Anya for that. I was looking for a spell.
BUFFY: You were going to use a spell on me?
SPIKE: It wasn't for you! I wanted something . Anything to make these feelings stop. I just wanted it to stop!
SPIKE: You should have let him kill me.
BUFFY: I couldn't do that.
SPIKE: Why?
BUFFY: You know why.
SPIKE: Because you love me.
BUFFY: No. I don't.
SPIKE: Why do you keep lying to yourself?
BUFFY: How many times- I have feelings for you. I do. But it's not love. I could never trust you enough for it to be love.
SPIKE: Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy. Great love is wild ... and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes.
BUFFY: Until there's nothing left. Love like that doesn't last.
SPIKE: I know you feel like I do. You don't have to hide it anymore.
BUFFY: Spike, please stop this.
SPIKE: Let yourself feel it.
BUFFY: No....
SPIKE: You love me.
BUFFY: Ow, no, stop it.
***
WARREN: Don't worry, babies. Daddy's gonna give you some too.
XANDER: See now, I think it's the daddy thing that's throwing her. 'Cause incest , not that sexy. So, uh, why don't we leave the ladies to their impending nausea and move the freakshow outside, whaddaya say?
WARREN: Okay. But lemme ask you something first. You think maybe you could put in a word for me with that Anya chick? 'Cause if she's taking it from a vamp ... I think I might have a chance .
WARREN: No wonder she's screwing a dead guy. You hit like a girl.
XANDER: Well, at least I know how to get one.
***
SPIKE: What have I done? Why *didn't* I do it? What has she done to me?
CLEM: She done who? Ohh. The Slayer, huh? Gosh. She break up with you again?
SPIKE: We were never together. Not really. She'd never lower herself that far.
CLEM: She's a sweet girl, Spike, but hey. Whew. Issues. And no wonder, with the whole coming back from the grave and whatnot. Hey, I had this cousin, who got resurrected by some kooky shaman... Whoo-boy! Was that a mess.
SPIKE: Why do I feel this way?
CLEM: Love's a funny thing.
SPIKE: Is that what this is? I can feel it. Squirming in my head.
CLEM: Love?
SPIKE: The chip. Gnawing bits and chunks.
CLEM: Uhh ... maybe a wet cloth?
SPIKE: You know, everything used to be so clear. Slayer. Vampire. Vampire kills Slayer, sucks her dry, picks his teeth with her bones. It's always been that way. I've tasted the life of two Slayers. But with Buffy... It isn't supposed to be this way! It's the chip! Steel and wires and silicon. It won't let me be a monster. And I can't be a man. I'm nothing.
CLEM: Hey. Come on now, Mr. Negative. You never know what's just around the corner. Things change.
SPIKE: Yeah, they do. If you make them.
***
XANDER: How did we get here?
BUFFY: Scenic route. Long drive.
XANDER: The past few weeks...
BUFFY: I know.
XANDER: I thought I hit bottom, but ... it hurt. That you didn't trust me enough to tell me about Spike. It hurt.
BUFFY: I'm sorry. I should have told you.
XANDER: Maybe you would have, if I hadn't given you so many reasons to think I'd be an ass about it.
BUFFY: Guess we've all done a lot of things lately we're not proud of.
XANDER: I think I've got you beat.
BUFFY: Wanna compare?
XANDER: Not so much. I don't know what I'd do ... without you and Will.
BUFFY: Let's not find out. I love you. You know that, right?
***
JONATHAN: That guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.
ANDREW: Don't flatter yourself. I heard him talking to the guard. He's in here for parking tickets.
JONATHAN: That doesn't mean anything! The joint changes you. I hear they like the small ones, with little hands like their girlfriends.
***
BARTENDER: (to vampire) Man, this is gonna be good.
WARREN: Oh, the best. This town is ours.
VAMPIRE: Ours, maybe. You are screwed.
BARTENDER: Metal meets propulsion, yeah. But you still better be a good shot!
WARREN: This isn't the evil laugh of victory, is it.
VAMPIRE: More like the evil laugh of "you're a dead man."
WARREN: Okay, uh ... what, what's the joke?
BARTENDER: It was just on the news. Girl was shot.
VAMPIRE: In her back yard.
BARTENDER: She survived. She's in the hospital. Slayers heal fast. Real fast.
VAMPIRE: Yeah. I was gonna eat you myself during the commercial, but now I think it'll be more fun to let the Slayer de-gut you. Might want to get a head start, my friend. 'Cause this girl is gonna be coming for you, big time.
***
RACK: How'd you find me?
WARREN: I talked to a guy. He's one of your regulars. Offered to show me the way for twenty bucks.
RACK: Should have haggled. Most of my customers'll bring you here for five.
WARREN: Great, great I'll file that away. Look, I'm in a bit of a situation here. I tried to do us all a favor, and eliminate the Slayer, but it ... I.... I guess it didn't take.
RACK: Killing a Slayer, that's big business for a kid.
WARREN: I'm not a kid.
RACK: Okay.
WARREN: I had my own guys. The Trio, yeah, you've heard of us.
RACK: Right. What were you, a band or something?
WARREN: I thought word traveled in the underworld. You know, we were evil. Robots were my thing. You didn't hear about the freeze ray?
RACK: Sorry. So why aren't your guys helping you?
WARREN: Look, I thought this was a cash for service gig, not an interview process, all right? I need protection. I've got the Slayer after me.
RACK: Slayer is the least of your problems.
WARREN: You're right. Let's talk about my skin troubles. You know, I'd say on the scale of problems, that she ranks!
RACK: If I were you, I'd be worried about the witch.
WARREN: Witch? W-which witch?
RACK: Willow. Slayer's pal? She's the new power, man, anybody with intuition can feel it. She's going to blow this town apart .Starting ... with you.
WARREN: Me? What did I, what did I do to her? O-okay, okay, I, I shot her friend...
RACK: I feel death.
WARREN: But the Slayer's alive. And - and she heals.
RACK: She might, but somebody's stone cold, and that ... is why the witch wants your head. She can sense your essence right now, man. It's just a matter of time before she finds you.
***
WILLOW: He tricked me. We'll find him another way.
BUFFY: And then what?
WILLOW: And then we'll kill him.
BUFFY: Okay, you need to calm down.
WILLOW: Calm down?
BUFFY: Look, you're angry. I, I am too. There's no excuse for what Warren did, but that-
WILLOW: He shot Tara. When he shot you, he hit her too. Upstairs in my room.
BUFFY: Oh my god.
WILLOW: Guess the last shot was the charm.
XANDER: She's dead?
WILLOW: She's dead. Now he's dead too.
BUFFY: Oh my god ... Tara...
XANDER: Christ, Will, how come you didn't say anything?
WILLOW: I'm busy.
BUFFY: W-Willow, please, just stop. We love you. And Tara. But we don't kill humans. It's not the way.
WILLOW: How can you say that? Tara is dead.
BUFFY: I know ... I know. And I ... can't understand ... anything. Not what happened ... a-and not what you must be going through. Willow, if you do this, you let Warren destroy you too.
XANDER: You said it yourself, Will ... the magic's too strong, there's no coming back from it.
WILLOW: I'm not coming back.
***
VOICE: You seek me, vampire?
SPIKE: You do the finger paintings? Nice work.
DEMON: Answer me.
SPIKE: Yeah. I seek you.
DEMON: Something about a woman. The slayer.
SPIKE: Thinks she's better than me. Ever since I got this bleeding chip in my head, things ain't been right. Everything's gone to hell.
DEMON: And you want to return to your former self.
SPIKE: Yeah. What?
DEMON: Look what she's reduced you to.
SPIKE: It's this bloody chip-
DEMON: You were a legendary dark warrior, and you let yourself be castrated. And you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?
SPIKE: I'm still a warrior.
DEMON: You're a pathetic excuse for a demon.
SPIKE: Yeah? I'll show you pathetic. Give me your best shot.
DEMON: You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request.
SPIKE: Do your worst. But when I win ... I want what I came here for. Bitch is gonna see a change.
***
ANYA: I don't need a spell. I can feel her.
XANDER: You can...?
ANYA: Feel her. Her thirst for vengeance, it's overwhelming.
XANDER: Is that like, left over from your vengeance demon days? You just sense her?
ANYA: No. Not left over.
XANDER: Oh.
ANYA: Yeah.
XANDER: When?
ANYA: When do you think?
***
WARREN: It was an accident, you know.
WILLOW: Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend, you killed my girlfriend.
WARREN: It ... it wasn't personal, that's all.
WILLOW: Well, this is.
***
WILLOW: Wanna know what a bullet feels like, Warren? A real one? It's not like in the comics.
WARREN: No. No.
WILLOW: I think you need to. Feel it.
WARREN: Oh god! Stop it!
WILLOW: It's not going to make a neat little hole. First, it'll obliterate your internal organs. Your lung will collapse. Feels like drowning.
WARREN: Please! No.
WILLOW: When it finally hits your spine, it'll blow your central nervous system.
WARREN: Oh please, stop, god! Please-
WILLOW: I'm talking! The pain will be unbearable, but you won't be able to move. Bullet usually travels faster than this, of course. But the dying? It'll seem like it takes forever. Something, isn't it? One tiny piece of metal destroys everything. It ripped her insides out ... took her light away. From me. From the world. Now the one person who should be here is gone ... and a waste like you gets to live. Tiny piece of metal. Can you feel it now? I said, can you feel it?
WARREN: Please! God! I did wrong, I see that now. I need, I need jail! I need ... But you, you don't want this. You're, you're not a bad person. Not like me.
BUFFY: Willow!
WARREN: Oh, and when you get caught, you'll lose them too. Your friends. You don't want that. I know you're in pain, but-
WILLOW: Bored now.
***
JONATHAN: I don't get it. Willow's a witch. Why doesn't she just , you know, wave her arms and make us dead?
BUFFY: Because she doesn't want you dead. She wants to kill you.
***
DEMON: You understand, then.
SPIKE: Yeah. Yeah, it's not like you haven't been clear about it, oh great mysterious one. This is a test. I don't get what I want unless I pass said test. That about the size and shape?
DEMON: Yes.
SPIKE: And since your pad is decked out gladiator-style, and no number two pencils have been provided ... I guess we're not starting with the written. Oh, here we go then. Just me and the walking action figure. I'm venturing this would be the kill-or-be-killed type of situation, then?
DEMON: To the death.
SPIKE: Right. Here we are now. Entertain us.
***
DAWN: Rack's place was right around here last time.
CLEM: Oh, huh, I don't feel anything. Oh well. Not here. Let's go home.
DAWN: You don't feel anything because his place moves. I told you.
CLEM: Know why Rack moves all the time? Because he's shady. A bad element comes down here.
DAWN: I get that. But Willow's part of it now. She is the element. If she isn't around somewhere, Rack may know where she is. Which is why we need to talk to him.
CLEM: We? In a face to face way?
DAWN: Or me. I'll go in there without you.
CLEM: No, no, it's fine, I'm good, it's just, Rack isn't partial to the floppy-eared. He has a thing! But, but hey, I'm in. Absolutely.
DAWN: Either way. Just get me there.
CLEM: Say Rack does know where Willow is. He's not going to tell you for nothing. He's gonna want something.
DAWN: I have money.
CLEM: That's not the kind of something he's gonna want. Rack likes little girls.
DAWN: I am not a little girl.
CLEM: I, I don't know if you've thought this through. I'm supposed to keep you safe and this whole thing is... I mean, even if you find Willow ... you really think you can stop her?
***
RACK: Hey, babe. I been waiting for you. Guess the rehab didn't take, huh. That's the way it goes sometimes. But I gotta say ... I could feel you coming a mile away, the power you got. And you know something, sweetness? I liked it. When you first came to me, you were just a little ... slip of a girl. Look at you now, all ... growed up. So full of dark juice. And you still taste like strawberries. Only now ... you're ripe. You came because you want something. Don't you? I thought so. So tell me, Strawberry... what on this earth do you want?
WILLOW: Just to take a little tour.
***
WILLOW: Dawnie, what are you doing here? 'Cause if you're looking for me? Now's not a great time.
DAWN: You look terrible.
WILLOW: Do I?
DAWN: You're back on the magicks.
WILLOW: No, honey. I am the magicks.
DAWN: Did you kill that guy?
WILLOW: It's an improvement, believe me.
DAWN: I have to go.
WILLOW: Why? So you can run and tell Buffy?
DAWN: Willow ... please, just listen to me.
WILLOW: You don't have to talk. Just think real loud. I can hear you.
DAWN: You're freaking me out.
WILLOW: Oh, don't be like that. I'm just a little wired. And I have some things to do. I thought if anybody'd understand-
DAWN: I miss Tara, too! But this? What you're doing here? This is not the way to go! You're only going to make things worse! But I promise, it's not too late to-
WILLOW: You miss her?
DAWN: Yes.
WILLOW: Did you cry? Of course you did. I get that. I understand the crying, you cry because you're human. But you weren't always.
DAWN: Yes, I was.
WILLOW: No, please. You're telling me you don't remember? You used to be some ... mystic ball of energy. Maybe that's why you're crying all the time, Dawnie. 'Cause you don't belong here. Wanna go back? End the pain? You'll be happier. I'll be happier. We'll all be a lot happier without listening to the constant whining.
DAWN: Willow, stop...
WILLOW: "Mom!" "Buffy!" "Tara!" "Waah!" It's time you go back to being a little energy ball. No more tears, Dawnie.
***
XANDER: Hey now, play nice, fellas, or you'll break our concentration.
ANYA: Which means no protection spell.
XANDER: And Willow will make you two boneless chickens skinless, too.
ANDREW: And then what? You think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck-driving Magic Mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa-burgers, and not one of you bunch has the midichlorians to stop her.
XANDER: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
ANYA: The annoying virgin has a point. What if Willow fillets their soles and then comes after us?
XANDER: She won't.
ANYA: You don't know that.
XANDER: We're her friends, Anya. Her family. She would never hurt us.
ANYA: She tried to use you for a hood ornament, Xander. She doesn't care if you live or die.
XANDER: Guess you two finally have something in common.
ANYA: I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which one I want.
***
ANYA: You know, none of this would be happening if it weren't for you.
XANDER: You think I don't know that? You think I'm the hero of this piece? I saw the gun. Before Warren raised it, I ... I saw it, and I couldn't move. He shot two of my friends ... before I could even.... You want me to know how useless I am? That it's my fault? Thanks. Already got the memo.
ANYA: I was talking about us.
***
BUFFY: Willow, I know what you want to do, but you have to listen to me. The forces inside you are incredibly powerful. They're strong ... but you're stronger. You have to remember you're still Willow.
WILLOW: Let me tell you something about Willow. She's a loser. And she always has been. People picked on Willow in junior high school, high school, up until college. With her stupid mousy ways. And now? Willow's a junkie.
BUFFY: I can help.
WILLOW: The only thing Willow was ever good for... the only thing I had going for me ... were the moments - just moments - when Tara would look at me and I was wonderful. And that will never happen again.
BUFFY: I know this hurts. Bad. But Willow, if you let loose with the magicks, it will never end.
WILLOW: Promise?
BUFFY: You don't want that.
WILLOW: Why not?
BUFFY: Because you lose everything. Your friends, your self.... Willow, if you let this control you then the world goes away. And all of us with it. There's so much to live for. Will, there's too much-
WILLOW: Oh, please! This is your pitch? Buffy, you hate it here as much as I do. I'm just more honest about it.
BUFFY: That's not true.
WILLOW: You're trying to sell me on the world. The one where you lie to your friends when you're not trying to kill them? And you screw a vampire just to feel? And insane asylums are the comfy alternative? This world? Buffy, it's me. I know you were happier when you were in the ground. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole life is when you were dead. Until Willow brought you back. You know, with magic.
***
BUFFY: I don't want to hurt you.
WILLOW: Not a problem.
BUFFY: I said I didn't *want* to. Didn't say I wouldn't.
***
WILLOW: So. Here we are.
BUFFY: Are we really gonna do this?
WILLOW: Come on, this is a huge deal for me! Six years as a side man, and now I get to be the Slayer.
BUFFY: A killer isn't a Slayer. Being a Slayer means something you can't conceive of.
WILLOW: Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
BUFFY: Then show me what you got. And I'll show you what a Slayer really is.
***
WILLOW: Buffy ... I gotta tell ya ... I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world with the power to stop me now.
GILES: I'd like to test that theory.
***
WILLOW: Uh oh. Daddy's home. I'm in wicked trouble now.
GILES: You have no idea. You have to stop what you're doing.
WILLOW: Uhh, sorry. Can't do that. I'm not finished yet.
GILES: Neither am I. Stay down.
ANYA: How'd you do that?
WILLOW: That's borrowed power. No way is it gonna be strong enough-
GILES: I'm here to help you.
WILLOW: Thanks, but I can kill a couple geeks all by myself. But, hey, if you'd like to watch ... I mean, that's what you Watchers are good at, right? Watching? Butting in on things that don't concern you?
GILES: You concern me, Willow. Stay on this path and you'll wind up dead.
BUFFY: Willow. Listen to him. I don't want to fight you anymore.
WILLOW: I don't want to fight you either. I wanna fight him.
GILES: Stay down.
WILLOW: No. Remember that little spat we had before you left? When you were under the delusion that you were still relevant here? You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.
WILLOW: Asmodea, bring forth--
GILES: Vincire!
WILLOW: What? No! Get off! Solvo, libero...
BUFFY: What did you do?
GILES: Contained her and her powers within a binding field. It puts her in a kind of ... stasis for the time- You cut your hair.
ANYA: I'm blonde. I, I colored my hair. Again. I'm blonde.
GILES: Yes, I noticed.
***
GILES: Buffy, what's happened here?
BUFFY: God. I don't even know where to start.
GILES: Well, Willow's clearly been abusing the magicks.
BUFFY: She has. She was ... and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything's just been so... Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again... Dawn's a total klepto ... money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace ... And I've been sleeping with Spike.
***
ANYA: I know what you're trying to do. And I hate to burst your bubble, but that mind control mojo doesn't work on vengeance demons, so why don't you just-
WILLOW: Stop talking and listen.
ANYA: Okay.
WILLOW: You need to free me.
ANYA: No.
WILLOW: You don't want to call out to them. You want to take away this binding spell.
ANYA: I don't know how.
WILLOW: I do. Do you want me to tell you?
***
GILES: Well, the coven is working on a ... way to extract her powers without ... killing her. And, uh, should she survive, you ought to know, Buffy, that there's no guarantee she'll ... be as she was. Willow has killed a human being. How will she be able to live with herself?
WILLOW: I wouldn't worry about that. Willow doesn't live here anymore.
***
DAWN: You know, if Spike were here, he'd go back and fight.
XANDER: Sure, if he wasn't too busy trying to rape your sister.
DAWN: What?!
XANDER: Forget it.
DAWN: I don't believe you.
XANDER: Fine.
DAWN: He wouldn't do that.
XANDER: Is this blind spot like a genetic trait with the Summers women? The only useful thing Spike ever did was finally leave town.
***
SPIKE: Well, that was a bloody doddle and piece o'piss. Got any more ruddy tests for me, you ponce? I'll take anything you can throw at me, if it'll get me what I need to take care of the Slayer. Give her what's coming to her. So you just bring it on. Bring on the whole- Bloody hell.
***
GILES: Your powers ... may be undeniably greater. But I can still hurt you if I have to.
WILLOW: Boy, you just don't get it, do you? Nothing can hurt me now. This? ...is nothing. It's all ... nothing.
GILES: I see. If you lose someone you love ... the other people in your life who care about you... become meaningless. I wonder what Tara would say about that.
WILLOW: You can ask her yourself. ...(To Buffy) You're always saving everyone. It's kinda pesky. You probably even think you're buying escape time for Jonathan and the other one. Well, I got a little secret for ya. I can kill them from anywhere I want. With this. It'll find them. It'll bury them. Along with anyone helping those Dead Men Walking.
BUFFY: Don't.
WILLOW: Unless ... somebody, somehow ... can get there in time to save them. Huh. Oh, well. Fly, my pretty, fly. See what I did there?
GILES: Go.
WILLOW: (To Buffy) Good luck. (To Giles) Thought she'd never leave. Now I finally have you all to myself.
***
WILLOW: You're such a hypocrite. Waltzing in here with your borrowed magicks. So you can tell me what? Magic's bad? Behave? Be a good girl? Well, I ... I don't think you're in any position to be telling me what to do. Do you? I used to think you had all the answers. That I had so much to learn from you.
GILES: Willow...
WILLOW: You were jealous. Still are. Just couldn't bear that I was the one with power. That's why you ran away.
GILES: Incurso!
WILLOW: That's why you- That ... was rude! Now I forgot what I was saying.
GILES: Perhaps you're not as strong ... as you think you are. You're expending way too much of your mystical energy to maintain your powers. At this rate you're going to ... burn out. And up.
WILLOW: Blah blah blah.
GILES: Willow, you ... you need to stop.
WILLOW: What I need... is a little pick-me-up.
***
GILES: Anya.
ANYA: I'm so sorry. Willow forced me to free her with her brain. Are you okay?
GILES: I can see...
ANYA: Oh. It's a ... miracle.
GILES: Willow ... I can see her. She took the magic I had and ... now ... I know where she is. I can feel what ... Oh, God.
ANYA: Giles ... you have to rest.
GILES: Silly girl. I'm dying.
ANYA: No you're not.
GILES: It was ... It was the only way. I thought we ... there'd be a chance ... now ... I know where Willow is. She's going to finish it.
ANYA: Finish what?
GILES: The world.
***
DAWN: Maybe one of the tunnels Spike uses is around here. Uh, we could use it to get to his place.
BUFFY: That's the last place on Earth we need to be.
DAWN: Oh, but it was good enough for you to take me there after what he did to you.
BUFFY: What he...
DAWN: Tried to do. Whatever.
BUFFY: Xander.
DAWN: So it's true?
BUFFY: Dawn, you may not have noticed, we're in really big trouble here. This isn't-
DAWN: Why did you not tell me?
BUFFY: Because you didn't need to know.
DAWN: Yes, I do. I need to know! I'm not a kid anymore.
BUFFY: Dawn, I'm trying to protect you.
DAWN: Well, you can't! Look around, Buffy. We're trapped in here! Willow's killing and people I love keep dying! And you cannot protect me from that.
***
BUFFY: Proserpexa? Who's she?
ANYA: Uh, way up there in the hierarchy of she-demons. Her followers intended to use her effigy to destroy the world. They all died when the temple got swallowed up in the big earthquake of '32.
BUFFY: So now seventy years later, Willow's going to make their dreams come true?
ANYA: She's going to drain the planet's life force, and funnel its energy through Proserpexa's effigy and, and burn the Earth to a cinder.
BUFFY: Not if I can help it.
ANYA: You can't. Something else Giles said. No magic or supernatural force can stop her.
BUFFY: What does that mean?
ANYA: Don't know. He, he said, "the Slayer can't stop her," and then he said a bunch of other stuff. He really wasn't too clear.
BUFFY: Anya, what are you-
ANYA: I ... I should get back to him. He's alone.
BUFFY: Is he okay?
ANYA: Don't think he ... has a lot of time left. I'm sorry.
***
BUFFY: I have to stop her.
WILLOW: Always the Slayer... Right to the last.
BUFFY: Willow?
WILLOW: And it is the last, you know? For all your fighting ... thinking you're saving the world...
DAWN: Buffy?
WILLOW: And in the end ... I'm the only one that can save it.
BUFFY: By killing us?
WILLOW: It's the only way to stop the pain. I can't take it anymore. But I know you, Buffy. You're a warrior. You won't go out without a fight. I don't really have time for one. But you should go out fighting.
BUFFY: Willow, what are you-
WILLOW: It was me that took you out of the Earth. Well, now... the Earth wants you back.
***
BUFFY: They just keep coming. I can't take them all. Dawn. Will you help me?
DAWN: I got your back.
***
ANYA: Giles? Giles! Don't die. Not yet, there-there are things I wanna tell you. Thanks a lot for coming. It was good of you to teleport all this way. Though in retrospect, it probably would have been better if you hadn't come and given Willow all that magic that made her like ten times more powerful. That would have been a plus.
***
XANDER: Hey, black-eyed girl. Whatcha doin'?
WILLOW: Get out of here.
XANDER: Ah, no. You're not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped-up uber-witch, but ... this carpenter can dry-wall you into the next century.
WILLOW: I'm not joking, Xander. Get out of my way. Now.
GILES: There...
ANYA: What?
GILES: It's not over.
***
WILLOW: You can't stop this.
XANDER: Yeah, I get that. It's just, where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end ... where else would I want to be?
WILLOW: Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?
XANDER: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but ... it seemed kinda cartoony.
WILLOW: Still making jokes.
XANDER: I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. And I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid, and hey. I still want to hang. You're Willow.
WILLOW: Don't call me that.
XANDER: First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love ... scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I've earned that.
WILLOW: You think I won't?
XANDER: It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.
WILLOW: Shut up.
XANDER: I love you. I ... love y-
WILLOW: Shut up!!
XANDER: I love you, Willow.
WILLOW: Stop!
XANDER: I love you.
WILLOW: Stop.
XANDER: I love you.
***
ANYA: You're not dead!
GILES: No. However, I am still in some pain.
ANYA: Oh... Well ... why aren't you dead? Why aren't I dead?
GILES: Uh, the threat's gone. Willow's been stopped.
ANYA: Oh. You mean she's-
GILES: No, she's alive. It, uh ... the magic she took from me, it-it did what I hoped it would do.
ANYA: Oh. You dosed her.
GILES: Yes.
ANYA: You knew she'd going to take your powers all along.
GILES: The gift I was given by the coven was the true essence of magic. Willow's magic came from a ... place of rage and power.
ANYA: And vengeance. Don't forget vengeance.
GILES: Oh. How could I? In any case, the magic she took from me tapped into ... the spark of humanity she had left. Helped her to feel again. Gave Xander the opportunity to ... reach her.
ANYA: Xander?
GILES: Yes. It was he who got to her in time. He saved us all.
***
BUFFY: Things have really sucked lately, but it's all gonna change. And I wanna be there when it does. I want to see my friends happy again. And I want to see you grow up. The woman you're gonna become. Because she's gonna be beautiful. And she's going to be powerful. I got it so wrong. I don't want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you. There's so much that I want to show you.
***
DEMON: You have endured the required trials.
SPIKE: Bloody right I have. So you'll give me what I want. Make me what I was. So Buffy can get what she deserves.
DEMON: Very well. We will return... your soul.
***
