WILLOW: No. It's fine. It's just, you've been Mr. Project all summer. You know? Labeling the amulets and indexing your diaries. I draw the line at making giant rubber band balls. That's when you'll just have to get a life.

GILES: That's what I'm trying to do, actually, is, um, get a life.

WILLOW: It might go better if you left the house.

GILES: Willow, um... you mustn't repeat what I'm about to say. Especially not to Buffy.

WILLOW: Uh-oh.

GILES: You promise?

WILLOW: Oh, god. Well, I guess. Now that I know there's something to know, I can't *not* know, just because I'm afraid somebody'll know I know, you know?

GILES: Did that mean yes?

WILLOW: Yeah.

GILES: We're doing all this because I, I want you and the others to have everything you need at your fingertips. You see, I'm, I'm going back to England.

WILLOW: You're ... what? But you can't! You're ... Buffy's Watcher! I mean, in a fired way, but...

GILES: Well, it's become quite obvious that Buffy doesn't need me. I-I don't say that in a self-pitying way, I'm, I'm quite proud, actually.

WILLOW: But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched! Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.

GILES: I appreciate the sentiment, but it's, it's just not so. You'll be fine. You all will. And you know, we'll, we'll stay in touch. You can always call me whenever you like.

WILLOW: When are you gonna tell Buffy?

GILES: Soon. It won't be easy, but, um... I know she'll understand.

***

MAN: Very impressive hunt. Such power.

BUFFY: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?

MAN: We're not going to fight.

BUFFY: Do you *know* what a slayer is?

MAN: Do you?

BUFFY: Who are you?

MAN: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.

BUFFY: Get out!

***

WILLOW: Xand ... what if somebody had a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone.

XANDER: News flash, Will. Everybody knows.

WILLOW: No, thi-this isn't about me and Tara.

XANDER: Oh. Well, not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty.

WILLOW: Sorry, this is of the non-naughty variety. And I'm not telling you.

***

BUFFY: So lemme get this straight. You're ... "Dracula." The guy, the count.

DRACULA: I am.

BUFFY: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? Cause ... I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.

DRACULA: You know who I am. As I would now without question that you are Buffy Summers.

BUFFY: You're heard of me?

DRACULA: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.

BUFFY: Naw. Really?

DRACULA: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned ... killer.

BUFFY: Yeah, I prefer the term slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...

DRACULA: Naked?

BUFFY: Like I ... paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?

DRACULA: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.

BUFFY: No. You know what I feel? Bored.

***

XANDER: And then frigging Dracula's standing right behind us.

WILLOW: And then, he lunges at us, like whoosh!

XANDER: He totally looked shorter in person.

BUFFY: I told you he'd heard of me, right? I mean, can you believe that? Count Famous heard of me.

RILEY: I couldn't believe it the first twenty times you told us, but it's starting to sink in now.

BUFFY: I'm sorry. Am I repeat-o-girl? I was just ... blown away.

RILEY: It's not that surprising that he's heard of you, Buffy. You are the slayer.

BUFFY: I guess. Just - the way he said it, you know, I mean, he made it sound so...

WILLOW: Sexy? I bet he made it sound sexy.

BUFFY: Kinda. He of the dark penetrating eyes and lilty accent.

XANDER: I wonder if he knows Frankenstein.

TARA: You thought Dracula was sexy?

WILLOW: Oh! No. He, he was ... yuck.

ANYA: Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing? Yucko.

XANDER: How would you know?

ANYA: Well, we hung out a few times. Back in my demon days, you know, once or twice. He's pretty cool. You know, from, from a whole ... evil thing perspective.

XANDER: Please. He was no big whoop.

WILLOW: No big whoop?? What about that thing where he turned himself into a bat? That was awesome!

GILES: It must have been, yes. I must admit, I'm sorry I missed that.

WILLOW: Me too! The whole time I was thinking, 'Gosh, I wish Giles were here, he'd know what to do!' Didn't you guys ... think that?

BUFFY: Actually, I was more thinking, 'Bat!'

***

ANYA: I doubt he'd remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean, like seven hundred or so. But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don't you think?

XANDER: Adorable.

ANYA: It was a great spell. I made this jerk incredibly fat, like a human minivan. You should just mention my name if you see him again.

XANDER: Or better yet, why don't you just go sit on top of a crypt and flaunt your neck cleavage until Dracula shows up? Then you two can talk private.

ANYA: Oh please, don't tell me you're jealous.

XANDER: Oh no, just because you're panting over the guy.

ANYA: I am not panting. Now stop being silly. I'll see you tomorrow.

XANDER: You don't wanna come back to my place?

ANYA: It's whites day, remember? The bleach smell makes me nauseous.

XANDER: Fine. I suppose Dracula doesn't use bleach, huh? He's a darks-only man.

***

RILEY: I'm looking for some information. Might pay a little.

SPIKE: I'll play.

RILEY: What can you tell me about Dracula?

SPIKE: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me eleven pounds, for one thing.

RILEY: You know him?

SPIKE: Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes. I'll tell you what. That glory hound's done more harm to vampires than any slayer. His story gets out, and suddenly everybody knows how to kill us. You know, the mirror bit?

RILEY: But he's not just a regular vampire. I mean, he has special powers, right?

SPIKE: Nothing but showy gypsy stuff. What's it to you, anyway?

RILEY: He's in town. Making his presence known.

SPIKE: Drac's in Sunnydale. I guess the old boy needed closure after all.

RILEY: Actually, he's gunning for Buffy. But I'm out to find him before he gets another shot at her.

SPIKE: Tough talk, cowboy. But you're not gonna catch him napping in a crypt. No, the count has to have his luxury estate and his bug-eaters and his special dirt, don't he?

RILEY: So you're saying I should check out mansions, that sort of thing?

SPIKE: No. I'm saying ... you should go home to your superhoney. Have a nice, safe snog. You're out of your depth on this one, boy.

RILEY: You've helped Buffy before, so she has a problem with killing you now that you're helpless.

RILEY: I don't.

SPIKE: I'd like to see you try.

RILEY: Would you?

SPIKE: Pfft. You're never gonna find him. (to himself) Not before he gets to her.

***

BUFFY: You think you can just waft in here with your music video wind and your hypno-eyes...

DRACULA: I have searched the world over for you. I have yearned for you. For a creature whose darkness rivals my own. You have been tasted.

BUFFY: He was-

DRACULA: Unworthy. He let you go. But the embrace ... his bite ... you remember.

BUFFY: No.

DRACULA: Do not fight. I can feel your hunger.

***

RILEY: Hey. Take off that scarf.

BUFFY: What? No.

RILEY: You're under the thrall of the dark prince!

BUFFY: I am not under the thrall of the dark prince.

RILEY: Then take off the scarf.

BUFFY: Oh, let go of me! This is ridiculous.

GILES: Why didn't you say anything?

XANDER: Cause she didn't want to worry us, right Buffster? It's nothin'. Just a scratch.

WILLOW: Two deep, puncture-y scratches.

BUFFY: I'm not sure why I tried to hide it. Uh, there was just this voice, and it was, it was telling me to cover it.

RILEY: And what did I tell you? That's thrall.

XANDER: You're saying Dracula has some sort of freaky mind control over her? You're watching too many creature features, man.

BUFFY: But it does seem like he has this ... control over me, I ... even though a big part of me is resisting.

RILEY: No, that's okay. I shouldn't take this personally. I mean, what with Angel, I mean, it's understandable that there would be transference. I mean, they're both broody immortals.

BUFFY: I am not transfer-y. I swear to you. I'm your girl, and I'm gonna stay that way.

RILEY: Okay. But you are not going anywhere near him again.

GILES: Uh, Riley's right, you should - you should stay out of sight. Let the rest of us look for Dracula.

BUFFY: I can't go home. He already got inside once.

XANDER: You can come over to my place. I'll make sure you stay put.

GILES: Good. Um, Riley and I can, uh, can... search for Dracula, and Willow, you and Tara could uh, could do a protection spell on Buffy's mother's house, and prevent him from returning.

***

JOYCE: He seemed so nice and normal. A little pale.

WILLOW: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes.

JOYCE: I'm not like this. I don't invite strange men over for coffee, it's just ... Oh, when you girls are older you'll understand. It's hard to date. Sometimes you just ... feel like giving up on men altogether.

***

XANDER: I'm supposed to deliver you to the master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?

BUFFY: Take me to him.

***

BUFFY: Stay away from me.

DRACULA: Are you afraid I will bite you? Slayer, that's why you came.

BUFFY: No. Last night ... it's not gonna happen again.

DRACULA: Stop me. Stake me.

BUFFY: I... Any minute now.

DRACULA: Do you know why you cannot resist?

BUFFY: Cause you're famous?

DRACULA: Because you do not want to.

BUFFY: My friends-

DRACULA: They're here. They will not find us. We are alone. Always alone. There is so much I have to teach you. Your history, your power ... what your body is capable of...

BUFFY: I don't need to know.

DRACULA: You long to. And you will have eternity to discover yourself. But first ... a little taste.

BUFFY: I won't let you.

DRACULA: I didn't mean for me.

***

XANDER: Nobody harms my master.

RILEY: Your master?

XANDER: You want him? You come through me.

RILEY: Okey-dokey.

***

GILES: You would ... be the three sisters, yes? E-excellent, right. Uh, I'd heard that you were myth ... obviously erroneous. Aah! Ooh, that's, uh, that, uh... tickles! Ooh, uh... oh, dear god.

***

BUFFY: What are you-

DRACULA: All those years fighting us. Your power so near to our own... and you've never once wanted to know what it is that we fight for? Never even a taste?

BUFFY: If I drink that-

DRACULA: I have not drunk enough for you to change. You must be near death to become one of us. And that comes only when you plead for it.

BUFFY: I'm not hungry.

DRACULA: No. Your craving goes deeper than that. You think you know ... what you are ... what's to come. You haven't even begun. Find it. The darkness. Find your true nature.

***

RILEY: Buffy? Are you in- Giles! Giles! Come on, come on. Grab my hand.

GILES: Thank god you came.

RILEY: Come on!

GILES: There was no possible escape. Oh, my shoe. Silly me, I'll just pop-

RILEY: No no no, sir! No more chick pit for you. Come on.

***

XANDER: Where is he?? Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?

BUFFY: He's gone.

XANDER: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!

BUFFY: Check. No more butt-monkey.

RILEY: It coulda been worse. At least you weren't making time with the dracu-babes like Giles here.

GILES: I was not making time! I, I was, uh, just about to kill those, uh, loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me.

RILEY: You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?

***

BUFFY: You wanted to see me?

GILES: Yes. Thanks for coming. Can I offer you some tea?

BUFFY: Oh ... no, thanks. Ooh, cookies. How come I rate the little cookie treatment?

GILES: Well, actually, I have something to tell you.

BUFFY: Actually, I have something that I'd like to talk to you about, too.

GILES: Oh, well, you go first, by all means.

BUFFY: No, go ahead.

GILES: No, I insist.

BUFFY: You haven't been my Watcher for a while. I haven't been training ... and I haven't really needed to come to you for help.

GILES: I agree.

BUFFY: And then this whole thing with Dracula ... it made me face up to some stuff. Ever since we did that spell where we called on the first slayer ... I've been going out a lot. Every night.

GILES: Patrolling?

BUFFY: Hunting. That's ... what Dracula called it. And he was right. He understood my power better than I do. He saw darkness in it. I need to know more. About where I come from, about the other slayers. I mean, maybe ... maybe if I could learn to control this thing, I could be stronger, I could be better. But ... I'm scared. I know it's gonna be hard. And I can't do it ... without you. I need your help. I need you to be my Watcher again. Boy, I just, I just keep talking, don't I? I'm sorry, you-you had something you wanted to say?

GILES: No ... it's nothing.

***

BUFFY: I'm outta here. Riley and I are going to the movies.

JOYCE: Okay. Have a good time.

BUFFY: What are you *doing* here?

JOYCE: Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?

BUFFY & DAWN(in unison): Mom!

***

Real Me

DAWN (Diary entry): Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. It's like, nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask *me* what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No. Underline. Exclamation point. Exclamation point, exclamation point. No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks. Just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's *such* a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus Mom lets her get away with everything. "Your sister's saving the world." *I* could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers... but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.

***

RILEY: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.

JOYCE: Oh, thank you, Riley.

BUFFY: Suck up.

RILEY: What? It's a nice outfit.

BUFFY: Mm-hmm.

RILEY: Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. Not sure why.

***

DAWN (Diary entry): I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so ... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time. So he's gotta be pretty far gone.

***

GILES: Blast!

BUFFY: You put it in neutral again, huh?

GILES: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this sitting here, not contributing. No, i-it's not working out.

BUFFY: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?

GILES: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty!

BUFFY: Little two-door tramp.

GILES: I-I-I don't know, I just - I was so at loose ends, I-I found myself searching for ... some way of feeling more...

BUFFY: Shallow?

GILES: Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.

BUFFY: Do I have to?

GILES: I'm serious, Buffy, there's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous-

DAWN: Hey, there's Willow and Tara!

GILES: Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.

***

DAWN (Diary entry): Willow's the awesomest person. She's the only one I know who likes school as much as me. Even her friends are cool! Like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. A-and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. Huh. I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.

***

BUFFY: So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school. A block of time every day just to focus on my new slayer training.

WILLOW: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.

BUFFY: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?

WILLOW: People gotta respect a solid work ethic. Look at you, motivated Buffy. Eager to soak up learning. Oh, you and I are gonna have so much fun this semester.

BUFFY: Yeah, that reminds me. With the whole new training schedule, I kinda had to drop a class.

WILLOW: That's understandable. Your slayer studies are way more important.

BUFFY: So I won't be taking drama with you.

WILLOW: What? You have to, you promised!

BUFFY: Well, I know, but Giles said that it just was-

WILLOW: The hell with Giles.

GILES: I can hear you, Willow.

WILLOW: Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. You can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?

BUFFY: What happened to "people gotta respect a work ethic"?

WILLOW: Other people, not me! There's a whole best friend loophole.

***

GUY: What are you doing here? You can't loiter. There's no loitering. That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard but they find you there anyway, and it hurts. Please, make it stop. Shut up, shut up, they'll hear you!

DAWN: Buff-

GUY: I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You ... don't ... belong ... here.

***

DAWN (Diary entry): Xander is so much cuter than anyone. And smarter too. He totally skipped college and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of ... deep, you know? He builds things. And he's brave too. Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy.

***

RILEY: That's a lot of weapons for somebody you weren't sweating twenty minutes ago.

BUFFY: Well, that was before Dawn gave Harmony a backstage pass to kill us all in our sleep.

XANDER: Buff, I left word with Willow. She'll come do a return engagement of her uninvitation spell. She probably still has the stuff from last week. And bang, boom, you're back in the Fortress of Solitude. All better.

BUFFY: No. Not all better. I mean, it's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules. Especially the biggie! Numero one-oh. "Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our house." I mean, please. I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.

XANDER: People slip, Buffy. Your mom did. She invited in the mas- Dracula. In for coffee.

BUFFY: Well, that was different. I mean, she ... He would ... She was lonely, and, and, and she didn't know he was a vampire. *The* vampire. Meanwhile, Dawn knew exactly what Harmony was and she rolled out the welcome mat for her.

RILEY: She's just a kid.

BUFFY: You know, will everybody please stop saying that? I was just a kid when I met my first vampire, but somehow, I still managed to remember the rules.

RILEY: You had to. It was your job.

BUFFY: No. No, it was common sense. But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No, she has to be protected and coddled from the big bad world, well you know what? We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed.

***

SPIKE: Bollocks. Gonna have to pinch one of those satellite dishes... Well, speaking of dishes, to what do I owe this unpleasant- Ow! Bloody hell!

BUFFY: I don't have time for banter, Spike. Where's Harmony's lair?

SPIKE: Haven't seen her in months. How should I know- Ow!

BUFFY: Where is she?

SPIKE: At least lay off the nose. Okay! Okay! Used to have a cave in the north woods. About forty meters past the overpass construction site. Ow!! I was telling you the truth!

BUFFY: I know.

***

HARMONY: So, slayer, at last we meet.

BUFFY: We've met, Harmony, you halfwit.

HARMONY: I'm the halfwit? Um, excuse me, but look who's fallen into my- Trap.

BUFFY: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad ... you *suck*.

***

BUFFY: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.

DAWN: Yeah, well ... I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.

BUFFY: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped....

***

BUFFY: Giles, are you sure about this?

GILES: Why wouldn't I be?

BUFFY: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer ... and, have you ever run a store before?

GILES: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus. Increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.

BUFFY: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored *were* you last year?

GILES: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

***

The Replacement

BUFFY: Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba- see, now with the flying kick. From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw enthusiasm?

RILEY: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know?

BUFFY: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and ... invading all willy-nilly. And anyway, I mean, you know, you can't blame me for being critical. Willow's the same way when we watch a, a movie about witches, right Xander?

XANDER: What? Oh yeah, she's all like, "What's that, a cauldron? Who uses a cauldron any more?"

***

WILLOW: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's."

BUFFY: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.

RILEY: Really? I will.

XANDER: Hey, we're just lookin'. Rent's way high, so don't get your hopes all carbonated.

ANYA: But you have references.

XANDER: No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. 'Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow.'

***

BUFFY: How badly did you hurt him?

GILES: Well, hurt, uh ... maybe not ... hurt.

WILLOW: Well, I-I'm sure he was startled.

GILES: Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn.

BUFFY: He ran away, huh?

GILES: Um, sort of more ... uh ... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.

BUFFY: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?

GILES: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.

***

ScruffyXANDER: Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.

WILLOW: Um ... okay.

ScruffyXANDER: Let's see. Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday ... I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance.

WILLOW: Xander ... stop dancing.

ScruffyXANDER: Aha! You called me Xander!

WILLOW: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?

ScruffyXANDER: Oh. Huh.

WILLOW: What's goin' on?

ScruffyXANDER: Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.

WILLOW: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It, it's more like a really nice hovel.

ScruffyXANDER: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night, fall down boom, woke up this morning.

WILLOW: Nuh uh! We walked you home last night, remember?

ScruffyXANDER: You walked? Will. Did I do anything weird? Did I wave any shiny things around?

WILLOW: Shiny things, what are you talking about?

ScruffyXANDER: Last night, that wasn't me. There's a double out there. Some ... thing has stolen my face, and it's going around pretending to be me, and it's hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and Giles and Riley. It's over there right now and they have no idea.

***

ScruffyXANDER: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do.

WILLOW: Well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to ... unhypnotize her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.

ScruffyXANDER: Right. Whatever.

WILLOW: Xander, you sound a little ... you have to help me figure this out, you know.

ScruffyXANDER: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.

WILLOW: That's not true! Sometimes we all help save you. And sometimes you're not in trouble.

ScruffyXANDER: I'm just ... another great humiliation. But this time it's even worse. This demon, he's like taking my life, and everyone's treating him ... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up! Will, I'm starting to feel like...

WILLOW: Like what?

ScruffyXANDER: Like ... he's doing everything better. He's smarter, and ... I don't know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.

WILLOW: Xander, no! You're just tired, and ... and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.

ScruffyXANDER: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I'm sure the guy is not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in!" No, what have I got that's even worth- Anya!

WILLOW: You think he's after her?

ScruffyXANDER: She won't know. He can just ... no. No way! No way. He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her.

WILLOW: Really?

ScruffyXANDER: He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell, something ... revealy. I gotta find her.

WILLOW: Xander.... You already knew he was taking over your life, and ... you didn't think about Anya till just now?

ScruffyXANDER: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.

WILLOW: I handled it fine.

***

ANYA: So... what happens next?

SuaveXANDER: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.

ANYA: I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?

SuaveXANDER: A car? ANYA: And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.

SuaveXANDER: What are you talking about?

ANYA: Just ... we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.

SuaveXANDER: There's no hurry.

ANYA: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.

SuaveXANDER: Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.

ANYA: What about the sling?

SuaveXANDER: You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.

ANYA: No, that's not it.

SuaveXANDER: Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years. And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.

ANYA: You don't understand what it's like.

SuaveXANDER: Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.

ANYA: You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And ... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm ... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.

SuaveXANDER: No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.

***

GILES: Oh, dear lord.

RILEY: Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little-

BUFFY: He seemed kind of forceful and confident.

WILLOW: That's not Xander.

GILES: I said, "Oh, dear lord."

BUFFY: You always say that.

GILES: Well, it's always important! Neither Xander is a demon.

WILLOW: Um ... is one of them a robot?

GILES: What? No. Um, uh, the rod device, it's called a ferula-gemina. It splits one person in half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell, Toth was attempting to split the slayer into two different entities.

BUFFY: Two Buffys?

GILES: Yes. One with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers, and the other one with everything that belongs to the slayer alone ... the, uh, the-the strength, the, uh, speed, the heritage. And when it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest points and his weakest.

RILEY: But which one's the real one?

GILES: They're both real. They're both Xander. Neither one of them is evil. There's nothing in either of them that our Xander doesn't already possess.

RILEY: I still don't get the original plan. I mean, why do it? The slayer half would be like slayer concentrate, pretty unkillable.

GILES: But the two halves can't exist without each other. Kill the weaker Buffy half, and the slayer half dies.

BUFFY: So the same goes for the Xanders. We lose one, we lose them both.

***

BUFFY: Riley, do you wish-

RILEY: No.

BUFFY: No? You don't even know what I was gonna say.

RILEY: Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two.

BUFFY: Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole slayer gig. Instead of having slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy.

RILEY: Hey. I *have* Buffy Buffy. Being the slayer's part of who you are. You keep thinking I don't get that, but...

BUFFY: It's just ... I know how ... un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters...

RILEY: Buffy... if you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I'm talkin' toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything. There's no part of you I'm not in love with.

***

BUFFY: Look, there's a scar there, and there's the same one right there.

WILLOW: It's all double. This zit, and this ... kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way

ScruffyXANDER: Okay! Back off, ladies.

RILEY: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? ...Just me, then.

ANYA: So ... you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same ... physical attributes?

SuaveXANDER: We're completely identical.

ScruffyXANDER: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. Fingerprints!

ANYA: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and ... we can all have sex together, and ... you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

SuaveXANDER: She's joking.

ScruffyXANDER: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is ... *wrong*, and, and it would be very confusing.

GILES: Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.

WILLOW: Check. Candles and pretense.

***

ANYA: What'll we do if this doesn't work?

XANDERS: (unison) Kill us both, Spock!

BUFFY: They're ... kinda the same now.

GILES: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

***

XANDER: How is it that she can always make me feel SuaveXander's left the building?

RILEY: You two have your friction, but ... she digs the whole package. It's obvious.

XANDER: Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.

RILEY: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like ... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just ... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half ... is so still and peaceful ... just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.

***

Out of My Mind

BUFFY: Better keep out of my way, Spike. I'm not gonna take this much longer.

SPIKE: And I should do what in my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?

BUFFY: Would it keep you out of my way?

RILEY: She's right. You shouldn't be out here when she's patrolling.

SPIKE: Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy's entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow.

BUFFY: Spike ... I just saw you taste your own nose blood, you know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.

SPIKE: It's blood! It's what I do!

***

WILLOW: Buffy!

BUFFY: What?

WILLOW: Listen to us! We-we're arguing! We're having a debate about a college lecture! I have dreamt of this day since ... forever! You are turning into quite the student. Should I be watching my occipital lobe?

BUFFY: Your what?

WILLOW: Occipital. The lobe in the back of your brain. You know, like, "should I be watching my back?" But, you know, the ... back of your brain.

BUFFY: Apparently not. Don't worry, Will, you still wear the smarty-pants in the family.

WILLOW: I don't know. You've been studying ... really a lot.

BUFFY: I'm trying. But they're really piling on the reading, and Giles fills any free time I have with extra training ... I'm starting to think this working hard is hard work.

WILLOW: Isn't it crazy like that?

BUFFY: I thought it was gonna be like in the movies. You know, inspirational music ... a montage, me sharpening my pencils, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe.

WILLOW: Aw. Poor Buffy's brain.

***

SPIKE: Well, well, well. Looky here.

HARMONY: Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now ... with a stake! She won't give up until she's killed me to death!

SPIKE: Buffy's looking for you.

HARMONY: Of course! That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis!

SPIKE: Is that right. I must have missed the memo.

HARMONY: There was a mem-? Spike, oh my god! This is like a real emergency! Uhh! I need a hideout so bad. You're my only hope. We're just gonna have to rise above ... our petty differences... Listen, Spike ... I'm desperate.

SPIKE: Desperate, are you? Harmony smiles a cajoling smile.

HARMONY: Come on, Spike. Pretty please? I'll do anything!

SPIKE: Anything, will you?

HARMONY: Yeah! I said I'll do anything. Ohhhh. You mean will I have sex with you? Well, yeah.

***

BUFFY: What's going on? What are you doing? What if you have a heart attack?

RILEY: Listen to me. Calm down.

BUFFY: *Me* calm down? I'm not the one with a pulse of a hundred and fifty.

RILEY: My heart's different than yours, Buffy. It works differently now, but it's okay.

BUFFY: But you're still a human, Riley. You could still have a heart attack.

RILEY: I'm a human who was used as a lab rat for months.

***

BUFFY: So you messed up and now he's gone and when are you even gonna tell me what's wrong with him?

GRAHAM: I'm not permitted to say.

BUFFY: Say.

GRAHAM: Hyperadrenal overload and a bunch of stuff that sounds even worse than that, and all it means is he's way stronger than he oughta be and feeling no pain. His heart can't take it. We've been at him for weeks about it. There's a specialist waiting at Sunnydale General, fourth floor neurology. Get Riley there. If you don't-

BUFFY: I'll get him there.

GRAHAM: I'll tell the doc. Buffy.

BUFFY: If you tell me to hurry ... I'll kick your ass.

***

SPIKE: Okay, is it bigger than a breadbox?

HARMONY: No. Four left.

SPIKE: So it's smaller than a breadbox.

HARMONY: No! Only three!

SPIKE: Harmony ... is it a sodding breadbox?

HARMONY: Yes! Oh my god! Someone's blondie bear is a twenty-question genius!

***

BUFFY: I've got a proposition for you.

SPIKE: Funny, I've got a proposition for you, what about knocking? Seems only fair since we vamps can't enter your flat without an invite, you could at least - Say, look at those pretty pieces of paper.

BUFFY: Riley's sick with some Initiative thing and he's missing. I think he might be in the caves. You find him, bring him to the fourth floor of the hospital, their doctors get to him in time... you get the cash.

SPIKE: Oh, dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die?

BUFFY: He is not the only person that can die.

SPIKE: Hey. I'm just saying, if it's really that important to you, I think I'll get half now.

***

RILEY: You know, this doesn't even hurt.

BUFFY: Your hand is bleeding.

RILEY: Don't feel a thing.

BUFFY: This stops now. I'm taking you to the doctor.

RILEY: The one from the government, you mean? Like the ones who did this to me in the first place?

BUFFY: He's the only one that understands what's wrong with you. He's the only one that can help.

RILEY: What's wrong with me? I'm more powerful than I've ever been, Buffy. Most people would kill to feel this way.

BUFFY: Yeah, and this feeling is *going* to kill you. Riley, your body was not built for this kind of strength-

RILEY: I can handle it. This is my deal, Buffy, just ... back off.

BUFFY: What is this? What's happening to you?

RILEY: I go back ... let the government get whimsical with my innards again ... They could do anything that- Best-case scenario, they turn me into Joe Normal, just... Just another guy.

BUFFY: And that's not enough for you?

RILEY: It's not enough for *you*.

BUFFY: Why would you say that?

RILEY: Come on. Your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian.

BUFFY: So that's what this is about? You're going to die, all over some macho pissing contest.

RILEY: It's not about him. It's about us. You're getting stronger every day, more powerful. I can't touch you. Every day, you're just ... a little further out of my reach.

BUFFY: You wanna touch me? I'm right here. I'm not the one running away.

RILEY: Not yet.

BUFFY: So you have this all figured out? I'm bailing because you're not in the super club.

RILEY: It's human nature.

BUFFY: Don't Psych 101 me. Not now. Not after everything that ... Nobody has ever known me the way you do. Nobody. I've opened up to you in ways that I've never opened up to ... God, you're just sitting back there thinking that none of this means anything to me.

RILEY: I never said that.

BUFFY: Because it obviously doesn't mean anything to you. Do you really think so little of me-

RILEY: Buffy.

BUFFY: No! No. Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike. Riley, I need you. I need you with me ... and I need you healthy. But if you wanna throw it all away because you don't trust me, then ... then I'm still gonna make you go to that doctor.

***

HARMONY: I read in a magazine that some women think a man's real sex organ is his brain. Yecch! No contest. I mean, look at it. It's so ... pink and wriggly-looking. Can I touch it?

SPIKE/OVERHEISER: (unison) No!

HARMONY: Oh my god, you're awake?

OVERHEISER: Local anesthetic.

HARMONY: Wow, Spikey, how does it feel?

SPIKE: Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint.

HARMONY: You know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means he can't even pick flowers.

SPIKE: What? Yes I can!

OVERHEISER: Please be quiet.

HARMONY: Is it supposed to do that?

OVERHEISER: Please. For god's sake, please, be quiet.

HARMONY: Listen, buster. I don't see a crossbow in *your* hands, okay?

SPIKE: Harmony, if your incessant prattling bolloxes up this operation, I'm gonna personally yank out your pink and wriggly tongue.

***

SPIKE: Buffy. I swear I was just thinking of you. I wanted to tell you the great news. My head's all clear now. No more bug-zapper in my noggin.

BUFFY: That means I get to kill you.

SPIKE: You get to try.

***

SPIKE: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there! That nasty little face, that ... bouncing shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.

HARMONY: Well, aren't we kinda unholy, by the-

SPIKE: She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike round the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture.

HARMONY: Spike!

SPIKE: You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony! This ... has got to end.

***

GRAHAM: It's a good thing Buffy found you when she did, 'cause you were about to detonate big-time. Always said she's pretty impressive.

RILEY: You know, she really is.

GRAHAM: But you know you don't belong here, right? This town? I mean, you're nothin' here.

RILEY: Hey. What are you saying?

GRAHAM: Come on, man. You know it's true. There's nothing for you here.

RILEY: There's her.

GRAHAM: Okay, right, there's her. And? You used to have a mission, and now you're what? The mission's boyfriend? Mission's true love? You belong with us.

***

SPIKE: Should have known it's you. Been nearly six hours.

BUFFY: Well, it would've been less if I wasn't busy cleaning up your mess.

SPIKE: *My* mess? I just *borrowed* the doc. The mess is yours, Slayer. Yours and the boy's.

BUFFY: I'm done. Spike, you're a killer. And I shoulda done this *years* ago.

SPIKE: You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it.

BUFFY: What?

SPIKE: End ... my ... torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me ... out of a world ... that has you in it! Just kill me!

***

BUFFY: Spike ... I want you.

SPIKE: Buffy, I love you. God, I love you so much. Oh, god, no. Please, no.

***

No Place Like Home

BUFFY I put this before the group. What the hell is it?

GILES It appears to be paranormal in origin.

WILLOW How can you tell?

GILES Well, it's so shiny.

BUFFY Found it on patrol.

RILEY May be more where that came from. I say we go back out again tonight.

BUFFY Um... sure.

DAWN (to Riley) You can't patrol. Buffy said.

BUFFY No, I didn't.

DAWN Yeah, remember? You said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out for anybody.

BUFFY Well, I wasn't talking about Riley.

RILEY Don't worry about it.

DAWN Oh, she just said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitteny and she'd better go solo or you'd get hurt. So welcome to the club. She'll never let me go either.

***

BUFFY She's so annoying. Especially now that Mom's sick. She's all over her while I have to be the grown-up and the two of them are like the Giggle Twins and why can't I ever be L'il Punkin' Belly?

WILLOW While I don't feel qualified to address the last part, I can tell you that Dawn's not just the youngest, she's the baby and maybe your mom needs that right now.

BUFFY Dawn doesn't care what my mom... You just have no idea how much I wish I were an only child these days.

***

XANDER Anya, the Shopkeeper's Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "please go" just got replaced with "have a nice day".

ANYA But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?

XANDER No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

ANYA Hey, you! Have a nice day.

XANDER There's my girl!

***

DAWN What are you doing?

BUFFY My boyfriend. Go away.

DAWN Liar. Are you doing magick?

BUFFY No, I'm not!

DAWN Can I watch?

BUFFY No, you can't!

DAWN Oh, come on! Please, please, like times ten and cubed? Please?... Yeah, well, I can smell your stinky incense down the hall, you know. And your clothes are gonna reek. And if you are doing magick, I am so telling.

***

GILES We've uncovered more than expected about this orb. It's called the Dagon Sphere and it has a history going back many centuries.

BUFFY What's it do?

GILES It's a protective device, used to ward off ancient primordial evil.

BUFFY Any word on what this evil looks like?

GILES Unfortunately, no. This is where- (to customer) Excuse me. (to Buffy) This is where accounts get vague. All we've managed to uncover so far is the Dagon Sphere was created to repel That Which Cannot Be Named.

***

BUFFY Spike.

SPIKE Hi, Buffy.

BUFFY Don't take this the wrong way but...

SPIKE Ow!

BUFFY What are you doing here? Five words or less.

SPIKE Out... for... a... walk... bitch.

BUFFY Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.

SPIKE On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.

BUFFY Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.

SPIKE Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair.

***

GILES Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?

XANDER Would that involve moving?

WILLOW My feet are numb.

XANDER I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain.

GILES I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.

ANYA You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better re-stock and raise the price 10%. Make it 15.

GILES Anya...

ANYA Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it.

GILES Anya...

ANYA And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a seven-day background check for-

GILES Anya! Would you like a job?

ANYA Okay.

GILES Good. Then we can talk shop tomorrow.

ANYA Okay... boss.

***

GLORY The whole "beat ya to death" thing I'm doing? It's valuable time out of life that I'm never gonna get back. Wait, I've always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms where if you have one, you rip it in half, you got two worms? Do you think that'll work with you?

GLORY You hit me! What, are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people. What, were you born in a barn? Fine. Be that way.

GLORY I just noticed something. You have super powers. That is so cool. Can you fly?

***

MONK My journey's done, I think.

BUFFY Don't get metaphory on me. We're going.

MONK You have to... the Key. You must protect the Key.

BUFFY Fine. We can protect the Key together, okay, just far, far from here.

MONK Many more die if you don't keep it safe.

BUFFY How? What is it?

MONK The Key is energy. It's a portal. It opens the door...

BUFFY The Dagon Sphere?

MONK No. For centuries it had no form at all. My brethren, its only keepers. Then the abomination found us. We had to hide the Key, gave it form, molded it flesh... made it human and sent it to you.

BUFFY Dawn...

MONK She's the Key.

BUFFY You put that in my house?

MONK We knew the Slayer would protect.

BUFFY My memories... my mom's?

MONK We built them.

BUFFY Then un-build them! This is my life you're-

MONK You cannot abandon.

BUFFY I didn't ask for this! I don't even know... what is she?

MONK Human... now human. And helpless. Please... she's an innocent in this. She needs you.

BUFFY She's not my sister?

MONK She doesn't know that.

***

BUFFY I'm sorry.

DAWN You hurt my arm.

BUFFY I know.

DAWN Butthole.

BUFFY Really sorry.

DAWN I tell you I have this theory? It goes where you're the one who's not my sister. 'Cause mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys and never told you 'cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings.

BUFFY That's your theory?

DAWN Explains your fashion sense. And your smell.

BUFFY I'm sorry, okay?

DAWN Broken record much?

BUFFY You can't even take an apology. You always do that. Ever since- I just had a bad day.

DAWN Well, join the club.

BUFFY Can I be president?

DAWN I'm president. You could be the janitor.

BUFFY Okay.

***

Family

GILES: This ... woman, this, uh, whatever she was... she knows you now. Should we be thinking about ... sending Dawn away?

BUFFY: Away where?

GILES: I don't know, uh ... your father's?

BUFFY: Yeah, he's, um ... in Spain, with his secretary. Living the cliche. I called him when Mom got sick, he hasn't even...

GILES: I'm sorry.

BUFFY: When he bailed on us ... I remember, Dawn cried for a week. Except she didn't. She wasn't there, but ... I can still feel what it was like. They sent her to me, Giles. I think ... I have to take care of her. I want to.

GILES: Do we tell the others?

BUFFY: No. No one. They-they'd act weird around her, and it's, it's safer for everyone if they don't know.

GILES: Yes. We have to find out who this woman is, and what she needs Dawn for. I mean, if she comes after you-

BUFFY: She'll come. She'll come for us.

***

RILEY: Starting to feel that fight?

BUFFY: Nothing like gettin' your ass kicked to ... make your ass hurt.

DAWN: You'll totally take her next time.

XANDER: 'Cause you'll have backup, baby. She's messin' with all of us.

GILES: Yes, uh, we'll, we'll, uh, find her weaknesses, and then, uh-

TARA: Yeah. You learn her source, and, uh, we'll introduce her to her insect reflection. Um ... that, that was funny if you, um, studied Taglarin mythic rites... and are a complete dork.

RILEY: Oh, then how come Xander didn't laugh?

XANDER: I don't know that Taglarin stuff.

RILEY: Oh.

***

BUFFY: So, any breakthroughs on the identity of Miss Congeniality?

GILES: Well, I have narrowed it down somewhat.

BUFFY: Your definition of narrow is impressively wide.

GILES: Well, you didn't give me much to go on. She-she looks human, so the mug shots aren't any use, and, uh, you can't be more specific about what she's like?

BUFFY: She was kinda like Cordelia, actually. I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair.

GILES: Right! That one, of course. Our work is done.

***

MR. MACLAY: The door wasn't locked. I was a little early. I suppose you ... wanted me to see all these ... toys. You don't even try to hide it any more. I'd hoped maybe you'd gotten over the whole witchcraft thing. That if we let you go, you'd ... get it out of your system. Then they told me to look for you in ... that store.

TARA: I didn't - I, I didn't kn-know that you were coming.

MR. MACLAY: Of course we came. We haven't heard from you in months. Your birthday's getting closer and closer. You know what that means.

TARA: I don't think it's ... it, it won't mean that-

MR. MACLAY: You're turning twenty. It's the same age your mother was when she... Do your friends even know?

TARA: Y-yes.

MR. MACLAY: Are you lying to me? Tara, you're coming home with us. You know it's the only way.

TARA: Home?

MR. MACLAY: You can't control what's going to happen. You have evil inside of you and it will come out. And letting yourself work all this magic is only going to make it worse. Where do you think that power comes from?

TARA: It ... it doesn't feel evil ... sir.

MR. MACLAY: Evil never does. I don't feel much like eating right now. I'll give you some time, but we need to be gone by morning. Your family loves you, Tara, no matter what. How do you think your friends are going to feel when they see your true face?

***

GLORY: A slayer?? Oh god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! How unbelievably common! If I had friends, and they heard about this ... and you know she's going around telling everybody, I mean she probably just- Pay attention! I am great and I am beautiful, and when I walk into a room all eyes turn to me, because my name is a holy name, and you will listen! Get your friends ... find the girl ... kill the girl ... okay baby? You have the cutest little suppurating sores! Has anyone ever told you that?

***

SANDY: I'm Sandy.

RILEY: Riley.

SANDY: This place is such a dive.

RILEY: No no, it's great. You just have to close your eyes, plug up your nostrils, it's fine.

SANDY: We ... could go somewhere else. Someplace more ... private.

RILEY: Ohhhh, Sandy, Sandy. It's no good. My heart belongs to another. Besides, I don't go out with vampires. Never interested in my intellect.

***

TARA: I'm sorry. I'm s-s-so sorry. I was, I was trying to hide. I didn't want you to see ... what I am.

WILLOW: Tara, what?

BUFFY: What do you mean, what you are?

MR. MACLAY: Demon. The women in our family... have demon in them. Her mother had it. That's where the magic comes from. We came to take her home before... well, before things like ... this started happening.

GILES: You cast a spell on us, to keep us from seeing your ... demon side. That's why we couldn't see our attackers.

BUFFY: Nearly got us killed.

TARA: I'll go. I'm very sorry.

MR. MACLAY: The camper's outside.

WILLOW: Wait! Go? I, she just did a spell that went wrong. It-it was just a mistake.

MR. MACLAY: That's not the point and it's not your concern. She belongs with us. We know how to control her ... problem.

WILLOW: Tara ... look at me. I, I trusted you more than anyone in my life. Was all that just a lie?

TARA: No!

WILLOW: Well, do you wanna leave?

MR. MACLAY: It's not your decision, young lady.

WILLOW: I know that! (to Tara) Do you wanna leave?

MR. MACLAY: You're going to do what's right, Tara. Now, I'm taking you out of here before somebody *does* get killed. The girl belongs with her family. I hope that's clear to the rest of you.

BUFFY: It is. You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me.

MR. MACLAY: What?

BUFFY: You heard me. You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me.

DAWN: And me!

MR. MACLAY: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.

DAWN: You don't wanna mess with us.

BUFFY: She's a hair-puller.

GILES: And ... you're not just dealing with, uh, two little girls.

XANDER: You're dealing with all of us.

SPIKE: 'Cept me.

XANDER: 'Cept Spike.

SPIKE: I don't care what happens.

MR. MACLAY: This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. *We* ... are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?

BUFFY: We're family.

DONNY: Daaad. You -- you gonna let 'em just... Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by god I will beat you down.

XANDER: And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.

BETH: Well. I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon.

ANYA: E-excuse me. What kind?

BETH: What?

ANYA: What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society.

BETH: Well, I-I ... what does it matter?

MR. MACLAY: Evil is evil.

ANYA: Well, let's just narrow it down.

SPIKE: Ohhh. Why don't I make this simple. Oww!!

WILLOW: Hey! Hey...

TARA: He hit my nose!

WILLOW: And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean.

BUFFY: (to Mr. Maclay) And that only works on humans.

SPIKE: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.

TARA: I'm not a demon.

WILLOW: You're not a demon.

TARA: He hurt my nose.

WILLOW: Aw.

SPIKE: Yeah, you're welcome.

***

Fool For Love

RILEY So tell me about the bad guy- or guys. What do you think they were?

BUFFY Vampire.

RILEY How many?

BUFFY One.

RILEY So... what? He was like a super-vampire or something?

BUFFY No, he was the regular kind. He just beat me.

RILEY That ever happen before?

***

GILES You didn't lose last night, Buffy. You just-

BUFFY Got really close. I slipped up, Giles. I've been training harder than ever and still I... And there's nothing in any of these books to help me understand why. I mean... look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto. If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.

GILES Yes, well, the problem is after a final battle, it's difficult to get any... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather...

BUFFY It's okay to use the D-word, Giles.

GILES Dead. And hence not very forthcoming.

BUFFY Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just stop.

GILES Well, I suppose if they're anything like me, they just find the whole subject too-

BUFFY Unseemly? Damn. Love ya but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.

GILES Painful... I was going to say. But you're right. Accounts of the final battles would be very helpful. But there's no one left to tell the tales.

***

SPIKE You know, there quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This unfortunately is not one of them.

BUFFY Update, Spike. We're not here to discuss the fine choice of hops. It's about two Slayers: one in China during the Boxer Rebellion, one in New York. Both got killed by you. Tell the tale, you get the cash.

SPIKE Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.

BUFFY That's not what I-

SPIKE What did you want, eh? A quick demo? A blow-for-blow description you can map out and memorize? It's not about the moves, love. And since I agreed to your little proposition, we can do this my way. Wings.

BUFFY What?

SPIKE Spicy buffalo wings. Order me up a plate. I'm feelin' peckish.

BUFFY Excuse me-

SPIKE As I thought. Some nasty thing got a taste of you.

BUFFY Don't get all excited. I'm fine.

SPIKE Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, diggin' up past uglies, 'cause you're fine.

BUFFY Just tell me what I want to know.

SPIKE I told you. No one's narrating on an empty stomach here.

BUFFY Were you born this big a pain in the ass?

SPIKE What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.

***

Flashback London, 1880

***

LADY Have you heard? They call him William the Bloody because of his bloody awful poetry!

GENTLEMAN It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!

***

CECILY Your poetry, it's... they're... not written about me, are they?

WILLIAM They're about how I feel.

CECILY Yes, but are they about me?

WILLIAM Every syllable.

CECILY Oh, God!

WILLIAM Oh, I know... it's sudden and... please, if they're no good, they're only words but... the feeling behind them... I love you, Cecily.

CECILY Please stop!

WILLIAM I know I'm a bad poet but I'm a good man and all I ask is that... that you try to see me-

CECILY I do see you. That's the problem. You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me.

***

DRUSILLA And I wonder... what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?

WILLIAM Nothing. I wish to be alone.

DRUSILLA Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory. That burning baby fish swimming all around your head.

WILLIAM That's quite close enough. I've heard tales of London pickpockets. You'll not be getting my purse, I tell you.

DRUSILLA Don't need a purse. Your wealth lies here... and here. In the spirit and... imagination. You walk in worlds the others can't begin to imagine.

WILLIAM Oh, yes! I mean, no. I mean... mother's expecting me.

DRUSILLA I see what you want. Something glowing and glistening. Something... effulgent.

WILLIAM Effulgent.

DRUSILLA Do you want it?

WILLIAM Oh, yes! God, yes.

***

Present Time

***

BUFFY So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?

SPIKE No, please. Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery Channel. Becoming a vampire is a profound and powerful experience. I could feel this new strength coursing through me. Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time. I was through living by society's rules. Decided to make a few of my own. Of course, in order to do that... I had to get myself a gang.

***

Flashback Yorkshire, 1880

***

ANGELUS Perhaps it's my advancing years that makes me so forgetful, William. Remind me. Why don't we kill you?

WILLIAM ...ike.

ANGELUS What's that?

WILLIAM It's Spike now. You'd do well to remember it, mate.

ANGELUS I'm not your mate. And when did you start talking like that?

DARLA Look, we barely got out of London alive because of you. Everywhere we go, it's the same story and now-

ANGELUS You've got me and my women hiding in the luxury of a mine shaft, all because William the Bloody likes the attention. This is not a reputation we need.

SPIKE Oh, I'm sorry. Did I sully our good name? We're vampires.

ANGELUS All the more reason to use a certain amount of finesse.

SPIKE Bollocks! That stuff's for the frilly cuffs-and-collars crowd. I'll take a good brawl any day.

ANGELUS And every time you do, we become the hunted.

***

SPIKE Yeah, you know what I prefer to being hunted? Getting caught.

ANGELUS That's a brilliant strategy really... pure cunning.

SPIKE Sod off! Come on. When was the last time you unleashed it? All out fight in a mob, back against the wall, nothing but fists and fangs? Don't you ever get tired of fights you know you're going to win?

ANGELUS No. A real kill. A good kill. It takes pure artistry. Without that, we're just animals.

***

ANGELUS You can't keep this up forever. If I can't teach you, maybe someday an angry crowd will. That... or the Slayer.

SPIKE What's a Slayer?

***

Present Day

***

SPIKE After that, I was obsessed. I mean, to most vampires, the Slayer was the subject of cold sweat and frightened whispers. But I never hid. Hell, I sought her out. I mean, if you're looking for fun, there's death, there's glory and sod all else, right? I was young.

BUFFY So how'd you kill her?

SPIKE Funny you should ask. Lesson the first: a Slayer must always reach for her weapon. I've already got mine. A good thing, too. Become a vampire, you've got nothing to fear. Nothing but one girl. That's you, honey. Back then... it was her.

***

Flashback China, 1900 Boxer Rebellion

***

DRUSILLA Oh, Spike, look at the wonderful mess you've made. That's a Slayer you've done in. Naughty... wicked... Spike.

SPIKE You ever hear them saying the blood of a Slayer is a powerful aphrodisiac? Here, now... have a taste.

***

DRUSILLA My little Spike just killed himself a Slayer.

ANGELUS Congratulations. I guess that makes you one of us.

SPIKE Don't be so glum, mate! The way you tell it, one Slayer snuffs it, another one rises. I figure there's a new Chosen One getting all chosen as we speak. I tell you what... when and if this new bird does show up, I'll give you first crack at her.

***

Present Day

***

SPIKE That was the best night of my life. S And I've had some sweet ones. What are you looking at?

BUFFY You got off on it.

SPIKE Well, yeah. I suppose you're telling me you don't? How many of my kind reckon you've done?

BUFFY Not enough.

SPIKE And we just keep coming. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the enemies of Hell besides and all we need is for one of us- just one- sooner or later to have the thing we're all hoping for.

BUFFY And that would be what?

SPIKE One... good... day.

***

SPIKE Lesson the second: ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat 'em? The question isn't "How'd I win?". The question is "Why'd they lose?".

BUFFY What's the difference?

SPIKE There's a big difference, love.

***

SPIKE The first was all business but the second, she had a touch of your style. She was cunning, resourceful... oh, did I mention? Hot. I could have danced all night with that one.

BUFFY You think we're dancing?

SPIKE That's all we've ever done.

***

SPIKE And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. Every Slayer... has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world... your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second- that happens... You know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did.

***

SPIKE Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance.

BUFFY Say it's true. Say I do want to. It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me.

***

HARMONY Okay, I'm trying to be supportive here so don't drive a stake through my heart like last time, but you can't kill Buffy. She's the Slayer. She is so gonna kick your ass.

SPIKE I've got two barrels here that'll prove you wrong.

HARMONY I knew you'd take this personally. You are so sensitive! How are you going to kill her? Think! The second you even point that thing at her, you're gonna be all ahhh! And then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street unless she's had enough and just stakes you!

SPIKE Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours... But she'll be dead just a little longer than that.

HARMONY Fine! But don't come crying to me when you fail. You couldn't kill her before you got the chip. You had plenty of chances!

***

Flashback South America, 1998

***

DRUSILLA Why can't you kill her?

SPIKE You're the one who keeps bringing her up! I haven't said a word about the bloody Slayer since we left California. She's on the other side of the planet, Dru!

DRUSILLA But you're lying! I can still see her floating all around you, laughing. Why? Why won't you push her away?

SPIKE But I did, pet. I did it for you. You keep punishing me. Carrying on with creatures like this.

CHAOS DEMON Okay, you guys obviously have a thing going on here.

DRUSILLA I have to find my pleasures, Spike. You taste like ashes.

SPIKE So this is my fault now?

CHAOS DEMON I didn't know she was seeing somebody. I should take off.

SPIKE Yeah, why don't you do that?

DRUSILLA You can't blame a girl Spike. You're all covered with her. I look at you... all I see is the Slayer.

***

Present Day

***

BUFFY What do you want now?

SPIKE What's wrong?

BUFFY I don't want to talk about it.

SPIKE Is there something I can do?

***

Shadow

XANDER: Okay, we were supposed to hook up with Riley this morning, to take on a nest o'vamps holed up in a tomb? So we get there, and guess what? Tell him, Will.

WILLOW: Tomb go boom.

XANDER: Yep. Captain America blowed it up real good. All by his lone wolf lonesome.

GILES: Hmm, uh, rather reckless of him.

XANDER: I'd say very rather.

GILES: All that aside, I should think you'd be pleased to avoid the confrontation.

ANYA: That's what I've been saying. I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!

***

DREG: Most beauteous and supremely magnificent one, this dark spell I hold in my worthless and scabby hand is our gift to you, most tingly and wonderful Glorificus...

GLORY: Please, call me Glory. And get up, looking at you is hurting my neck.

DREG: Forgive me, shiny special one. I beg of you to rip out my inadequate tongue.

GLORY: Gimme.

DREG: Oh. I thought... You should know, your elaborate marvelousness, that this dark incantation has been lost for eons...

GLORY: Uh-huh.

DREG: And great dangers have been faced to...

GLORY: Does this pump make my ankle look bony?

DREG: No! No, no, your terrifically smooth one, it is the epitome of ankles. To touch such an ankle would be - but I'm not touching. I'm backing away.

***

RILEY: What are you doing in here?

SPIKE: What, me? I was um ... uh ... what are *you* doing here?

RILEY: Looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out you were in her bedroom.

SPIKE: Oh yeah? Well ... me too.

RILEY: Were you ... were you just smelling her sweater?

SPIKE: No. Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a ... predator thing, nothin' wrong with it. Just ... know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. Ah, that's the stuff! Slayer musk, it's bitter and aggravating!

RILEY: Out.

SPIKE: Hey, watch it! Easy, you're bruising the leather! Look. I know for a bleeding fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here.

RILEY: Right. What's a little sweater-sniffing between sworn enemies.

SPIKE: Your girl in the habit of buying her enemies drinks? 'Cause she spent the better part of last night with me, doing just that.

RILEY: 'Cause you guys are such tight pals.

SPIKE: Yeah.

RILEY: That's good. Tell me another.

SPIKE: Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?

RILEY: Because you're harmless.

SPIKE: Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you ... but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough.

SPIKE: Hey ... Hey! Hey! Hey!

RILEY: Am I dark enough for you now?

SPIKE: Bloody pull me back in, you sod, I'm starting to sizzle!

RILEY: You don't know anything about Buffy, you never did. I'm the one who knows what she needs.

SPIKE: Oh yeah? That's why you're with her at hospital right now, giving her what she needs.

RILEY: What are you talking about?

SPIKE: Don't you know, didn't she tell you?

RILEY: You tell me.

SPIKE: Mum's sickly. Buffy took her to the hospital for a bit of prod 'n probe. Bite-sized one went too. You know, it's-it's funny her not calling you about that. I've known since last night.

***

BUFFY: Mom, what did they find?

JOYCE: A shadow. I've got a shadow. Somewhere ... over there ... he showed it to me, but, um ... they have to do a biopsy to find out exactly what it is. Doctor says it's too early to be concerned.

BUFFY: Right. No concern.

JOYCE: Just a shadow.

***

TARA: Maybe she's not in the books.

WILLOW: What do you mean?

TARA: I mean, what if she's not a demon or sorceress or spirit or whatever these books cover? What if she's something else altogether?

GILES: (To Customer)Thank you, come again. (To Tara) Something new, you mean?

TARA: Something old. So old it pre-dates the written word.

WILLOW: Giles, the Dagon sphere. You said that was created to repel...

GILES: That which cannot be named.

WILLOW: So I'm thinking maybe she...

GILES: Predates language itself?

XANDER: Well hey, if it means I don't have to read any more, woo! And might I add a big hoo!

GILES: If Tara's right, then we're blind. There's ... there's no way we can determine ... her moves, her habits, where she'll turn up next- Oh! I beg your-

GLORY: Uh-huh. I want these.

GILES: Yes, of course! Um, you find everything all right?

GLORY: No problemo.

GILES: That's, um... Your receipt. And ... Thank you! (To the group) She could be anywhere. But if she is as powerful as, uh, Buffy says, I imagine it won't be long before she makes herself known.

***

DR. ISAACS: Your mother has ... the term is low-grade glioma. It's a brain tumor. The clinical name is oligodendroglioma. It's in the left hemisphere of the cerebrum. In your mother's case the tumor seems to have started there. In other words, it hasn't spread from another part of the body... I know this is very difficult, and, uh, because of the nature of your mother's illness ... unfortunately, things may progress very quickly.

BUFFY: Things? What things?

DR. ISAACS: Symptoms. There's a fair variety that might present. Loss of vision or appetite, lack of muscle control, uh, mood swings...

BUFFY: But what can we do?

DR. ISAACS: Well, not much, until we determine if the tumor's operable. Which we are working on.

BUFFY: Is there something that I ... I mean ... can I help?

DR. ISAACS: Well, there's some literature you might want to look at. If we aren't able to go in surgically, there are a number of new treatments that are very promising. Your mother's prognosis is a lot better today than it would have been only a year ago. Even if the tumor's not operable, she has a real chance.

BUFFY: What's a real chance?

DR. ISAACS: Nearly one out of three patients with this condition does just fine.

***

ANYA: Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!

GILES: Anya, your heys are startling the customers.

XANDER: And-and pretty much the state.

ANYA: You sold someone a Khul's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone.

GILES: Yes, I believe I did.

ANYA: Are you stupid or something?

GILES: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.

XANDER: She's kidding! (to Anya) An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.

ANYA: You never sell these things together, ever! Bad news! Don't you know about the Sobekites?

WILLOW: Oh! I do. It was an ancient Egyptian cult, heavy into dark magic.

TARA: And the Khul's amulet, wasn't that a transmogrification conduit?

ANYA: Damn straight!

GILES: Be that as it may, I still see no reason for concern. I mean, the-the Sobekian transmogrification spells were lost thousands of years ago. And besides, the young woman to whom I sold them would have to have had enormous power-

WILLOW: Young woman?

GILES: Oh, dear lord.

***

DAWN: I'm really glad you're here.

RILEY: Thanks.

DAWN: Buffy's glad too.

RILEY: Yeah?

DAWN: She sure cries a lot less with you than she did with Angel.

RILEY: Angel ... made her cry a lot, huh?

DAWN: Everything with him was all ... eee, you know?

RILEY: All...?

DAWN: You know ... "my boyfriend's a vampire" crazy crazy. Every day was like the end of the world. She doesn't get all worked up like that over you.

***

GILES: The, uh, demon woman was here, the one who attacked you.

WILLOW: It's no biggie, she-she just got an amulet and a bloodstone.

ANYA: That can create a monster.

WILLOW: Okay, biggie.

BUFFY: My god, are you guys okay though? I mean, did - no one got hurt, right?

GILES: Oh no, thankfully, no, uh, no violence to speak of.

BUFFY: Okay, so, that's good ... How did she get away with this bad mojo stuff?

ANYA: Giles sold it to her.

GILES: I, I, I... I didn't know it was her! I mean, how could I? If it's any consolation, I may have overcharged her.

TARA: Anya figured out what the demon lady's up to.

ANYA: Yeah, a few thousand years ago there was this cult, the temple of Sobek.

BUFFY: Sobek.

ANYA: Reptile demon. Sobekites were reptile worshippers.

XANDER: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.

ANYA: Great. Thank you very much for those nightmares.

XANDER: Sorry.

ANYA: Anyway, their high priest Khul had great mystic powers. He, um, forged an amulet with transmogrifying crystal.

WILLOW: Transmogrifying is changing a living thing into a different kind of thing.

GILES: We've managed to decipher the markings that were on the bloodstone that I sold - that she left with. Um, cobra. She's going to transmogrify a cobra.

***

RILEY: Where's Buffy?

GILES: Um, she-she left a while ago.

RILEY: What? Where?

XANDER: That creepy demon woman's conjuring some kind of monster.

RILEY: And you let Buffy go after her? Alone?

GILES: Uh, "let" isn't really a factor when she sets her mind to something, you know that.

RILEY: (to Xander) She'll get herself killed. It's crazy.

XANDER: Yeah. Crazy. Going off alone, half-cocked, instead of waiting for much-needed backup ... charging in with a big old hand grenade ... oh, wait.

RILEY: This is different.

XANDER: Yeah, it is. Buffy needs something she can fight, something she can solve. I don't know what kind of action you're looking for ... Do you?

***

XANDER: Dawn, you okay?

WILLOW: Why was the big snake afraid of Dawn?

BUFFY: It knows!

***

RILEY: You okay? You look pretty beat up.

BUFFY: Minimal damage of the fighting kind. It's all the other kind.

RILEY: Come here. It's okay. Just let it out. I'm right here.

BUFFY: I can't. Not now. They need me. If I start now ... I won't be able to stop.

***

Listening to Fear

GILES: My god, what a rough night.

WILLOW: I just did two of 'em! Yay on me! That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified and ... and now my knees are all dizzy.

XANDER: Not so much a big success night for me. But I think I should get points just for showing up. Unlike some Riley Finn who shall remain unnamed.

GILES: Yes, that was disappointing. Things would have been easier if he'd been here.

WILLOW: Oh, piffle, who needs him when I'm dusting two at a ti- Whoops. Maybe it would've been good if ... he'd shown up.

GILES: Perhaps he forgot.

***

WILLOW: Care package! Special delivery for the Summers girls. Now, let's see what I have in this sack of mine. Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger and female and, well, Jewish. This (to Dawn) is an extra-special gift for your mom, that I know she'll need. A beer hat! See, i-it's got cup holders, and a straw that goes directly into your mouth, and (to Joyce) you can fill it with other stuff than beer. And somehow, when I was in the store this seemed like the most important idea and now there's the whole part where I'm crazy.

JOYCE: It's perfect. Thank you, Willow. You're very sweet.

WILLOW: Now, let's see, who's next? Dawn, I believe I have something in here for you...

BUFFY: (To Joyce) Headache?

JOYCE: Just a little one. A biggish little one. I'm fine! Go on, what else is in that sack of goodies, Willow?

WILLOW: All right. Dawn, to keep you busy.

DAWN: Ooh, spells! Thank you, Willow!

BUFFY: You got her a book on spells. The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to ... break things by looking at them?

WILLOW: Oh, well, it doesn't actually have spells in it. Just history, and anecdotes, stuff like that. Oh, Buffy- I have this for you.

BUFFY: Homework? Oh. I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa any more.

WILLOW: And a yo-yo.

BUFFY: Thank you.

***

WILLOW: You know what's weird?

TARA: Japanese commercials are weird.

WILLOW: Yes. And also, you know some of the stars we're looking at ... don't even exist any more? In the time that it takes for their light to reach us, they've died. Exploded. Poof.

TARA: Were, um ... were things rough at the hospital?

WILLOW: You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but ... they made me feel like ... like I was in space ... part of the stars. There's ... Canis Minor ... and ... and Cassiopeia.

TARA: And the big pineapple.

WILLOW: Hmm. You know, I'm not sure I remember that one.

TARA: Oh, it's, it's a major one. See those three bright stars right over there?

WILLOW: Yeah.

TARA: And see those stars along there? That's the bottom of the pineapple.

WILLOW: It's big.

TARA: Hence the name. The real ones never made sense to me, I ... sort of have my own.

WILLOW: Teach me.

TARA: See those stars over there? "Short man looking uncomfortable." Uh... "Moose getting a sponge bath." Umm... "little pile o'crackers." Tha-that was a bit of a stretch. You do it. What would you call ... mm, that one?

WILLOW: Hmm, let's see. A huge flaming meteor about to crash into something!

***

RILEY: Everyone stay close. I'm glad you called me in on this.

XANDER: Glad you answered.

RILEY: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about last time. Heard I missed out on some fun.

XANDER: Oh, yeah, fun was had. Also frolic, merriment, and near-death hijinks.

***

BUFFY: Mom, wha-what are you doing?

JOYCE: I'm making breakfast. And you shouldn't eat any more, you're disgustingly fat. Oh, Buffy, I don't know what I'm doing.

BUFFY: You just need some rest. We'll put you back to bed. Okay, here we go. That will help you sleep. Come on, let's get you all tucked into bed.

JOYCE: (To Dawn) Don't touch me! You - you thing!

DAWN: Mom, please!

JOYCE: Get away from me! You're nothing, you're, you're a shadow!

BUFFY: Mom-

JOYCE: I don't know what you are or how you got here!

BUFFY: Mom, it's Dawn.

JOYCE: Dawn? Honey, what's wrong?

BUFFY: She's .. just tired. We all are. Come on, go to sleep. I'll check in on you in a little bit.

***

DAWN: She hates me.

BUFFY: No.

DAWN: She called me a thing.

BUFFY: She loves you. Okay? She's not herself. I told you what the doctor said about the tumor.

DAWN: No, not just Mom. People. They keep saying weird stuff about me.

BUFFY: Are you talking about the man in the hospital?

DAWN: He called me a thing too. And there was another one. Weird guy outside the magic shop. He said I didn't belong. He said I wasn't real. Why does everybody keep doing that? What's wrong with me?

BUFFY: Nothing. It's not you. I think there's something that happens in people's brains when there's something wrong. It's, it's like a short-circuit ... and it makes them feel like nothing's real except for them. That's all it is. Look, it is not you. Okay? And if anyone says anything like that to you again, don't listen. Even if it's Mom.

DAWN: I hate it.

BUFFY: I know. Just don't listen.

***

XANDER: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.

GILES: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. I did not say that.

***

WILLOW: Uh, guys? I've got some stuff. The most recent meteoric anomaly was the Tunguska blast in Russia in 1917. Some witnesses claimed the meteor was hollow.

XANDER: Hmm. Maybe with a chewy demon center like ours.

GILES: How far back does this list of anomalies go?

WILLOW: Pretty far. Back to the Queller impact in the twelfth century.

TARA: The what?

WILLOW: Queller. I-I don't know why they call it that, it didn't hit a place called Queller or anything. It landed just outside of Reykjavik in Iceland.

XANDER: Wait, I just saw... Queller. Quell ... here, here! "Primitive people used to believe that the moon was a cause of insanity. Sometimes they would pray to the moon to send a special meteor to fix the problem the moon had caused. These meteors were expected to *quell*" the madmen.

TARA: The man in the woods. He was a mental patient.

XANDER: And he got pretty well ... quelled.

WILLOW: Okay, I'm looking in history right now. It says in the Middle Ages there were these sweeping plagues of madness. People were losing their marbles everywhere. But then it would suddenly subside. And these dates look pretty close. Like-like maybe it happened after each one of the meteor events.

GILES: So something emerged from the meteors ... and quelled the madmen.

XANDER: Meteor go boom, crazy guy goes bye-bye.

***

JOYCE: I just didn't know. Those eyes ... Those eyes, they're like gasoline puddles! Tell me. Tell me because I need to know why, why are you staring at me like that? What are you asking me? You are asking me, aren't you? Is this a test? And if this counts for the final grade, I need to know now! Okay, there are teachers, and they put this on the syllabus, but they do not stare down at you, they do not cling, they do not look down on you.... You know there are people who are nice, and they give you presents, even when you are bad.

JOYCE: Does someone know you're here? Because they should have told you that at the gate. You are *not* supposed to be here. I need to rest now. I-I don't like the way you're staring at me! Did they tell you that at the gate? Stop staring at me, I don't like it!

***

GRAHAM: Trail stops here, edge of the parking lot.

ELLIS: It stops?

RILEY: A car. It hitched a ride. Probably underneath. So much for containment.

ELLIS: So some poor mental patient checks out of here today, drives away with this thing, took it right to his own home.

RILEY: Checked out today.

ELLIS: Get me a list of all patients discharged in the last 24 hours.

RILEY: No. I know where it's going. We've gotta move, now!

***

BUFFY: Spike?

SPIKE: Yeah. Listen, uh, did you hear a noise?

BUFFY: What the hell are you doing in my house?

SPIKE: Right then, caught me. Your basement's full of junk. And me being in need of, uh, junk...

BUFFY: You were stealing?

SPIKE: Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn, can I?

BUFFY: Wait, are those pictures of me?

***

DREG: It's strange. A body might ask what exactly it is you think you're doing. He might ask what all this was meant to accomplish. Because to a humble postulant, it looks like chaos. Like unnecessary attention drawn where it ought not to be.

BEN: Get out!

DREG: Sir. Sir, forgive me. I just want to understand. Why summon the Queller?

BEN: What do you think? Because I'm cleaning up Glory's mess. Just like I've done my whole damn life.

***

JOYCE: Buffy, uh, I'm gonna ask you something, a-and if I'm, if I'm being crazy you just tell me, okay?

BUFFY: You got it.

JOYCE: The other day ... well, actually, I'm, I'm not sure when, the days seem to all bleed together...

BUFFY: It's not important.

JOYCE: No, I guess it isn't. I do know I was ... pretty out of it, and I had ... not-not a dream ... exactly, more like I had this ... knowledge, i-it just came to me like ....truth, you know? Even though it didn't seem...possible, even though I shouldn't even think such things.

BUFFY: What?

JOYCE: That Dawn... She's not ... mine, is she?

BUFFY: No.

JOYCE: She's ... she does belong to us, though.

BUFFY: Yes, she does.

JOYCE: And she's important. To the world. Precious. As precious as you are to me. Then we have to take care of her. Buffy, promise me. If anything happens, if I don't come through this-

BUFFY: Mom-

JOYCE: No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe. That you'll love her like I love you.

BUFFY: I promise.

JOYCE: Good. Good. Oh, my sweet brave Buffy. What would I do without you?

***

Into the Woods

DR. KRIEGEL: Okay, your mom's in recovery.

BUFFY: What happened, is she all right?

DR. KRIEGEL: It was possible to visualize the tumor completely, which means I was able to get all of it. So, barring complications in recovery ... I think your mother's going to be fine. Of course we're still going to have to watch your mother carefully, and, uh, have her back in here for some follow-up testing, but, uh, overall I'd consider the procedure a complete success.

***

DAWN: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, 'I'm the slayer, I'm going to get you!'

ANYA: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly.

DAWN: No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know.

XANDER: Buffy's pretty cool like that. So, what do you wanna do now, Dawnster? Keeping in mind that I won't chase you because I'm old and I'm stuffed full of moo goo gai starch.

ANYA: Well, we could play that game again, Life. That was fun.

DAWN: For you. You always win.

ANYA: Well ... we can make a wager this time. You can give me real money. That would be different.

XANDER: And after we teach her to gamble, maybe we can all get drunk!

ANYA: I don't think the bar would serve her, but we could bring something in. Strawberry schnapps taste just like real ice cream.

XANDER: Okay, how's about a movie? They're showing them in theaters now. I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor.

DAWN: That one looks sad.

XANDER: The chimp playing hockey? Is that based on the Chekhov?

ANYA: There's a chimp playing hockey?

DAWN: Um, no, the other one. I don't wanna see a sad movie.

ANYA: We have to see the chimp playing hockey! That's hilarious! The ice is so slippery, and, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this.

XANDER: You pick, Dawn. This is your night. We are celebrating your mom's good news.

ANYA: Go monkey. Choose monkey.

DAWN: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink.

XANDER: No, that's not, that's not it at all, they just need time to, uh... be tender. Relax.

ANYA: He's not very convincing, is he?

***

BUFFY: Riley?

SPIKE: It's me.

BUFFY: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?

SPIKE: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you, and I - are you naked under there?

BUFFY: Get out.

SPIKE: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean...

BUFFY: Get out or I will drop you out head-first.

SPIKE: I wanna show you something.

BUFFY: What?

SPIKE: You need to see this. But we need to move if we wanna get there in time.

***

RILEY: Buffy. Buffy!

SPIKE: We only came here because we care about you, friend. You need help.

***

ELLIS: We have a Code One in Belize. A demon tribe is taking apart missionaries in the rain forest down there.

RILEY: And you're telling me this because?

ELLIS: We're going down to terminate their operation. We want you to join us.

RILEY: I'm a civilian.

ELLIS: You're a soldier.

RILEY: I quit the government a long way back.

ELLIS: We're not government. We're army.

GRAHAM: Just like you.

ELLIS: It's not the Initiative, Finn. We don't do experiments. None of us give a damn what makes monsters tick. We just stop 'em.

RILEY: What do you need me for?

ELLIS: I think you can handle yourself. And I always need bodies. I'm not gonna lie to you. It's the real deal. High risk, low pay, and seriously messy. We ship out for Central America tomorrow midnight. Now maybe civilian life is working out for you... and maybe not. Midnight. Tomorrow. The decision's yours.

***

ANYA: Oh. Who ordered more chickens' feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.

XANDER: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.

ANYA: I'm serious. Maybe we could do a ... holiday promotion. One free with every purchase!

GILES: Oh, yeah. Dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas ... chicken feet.

WILLOW: Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep. Painting their little toenails.

ANYA: That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private. 'I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal.'

WILLOW: Anya, I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.

ANYA: There's nothing wrong with my idea anyway. I've been very good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.

GILES: I say, that's an exaggeration.

WILLOW: Anya, you've helped out a lot, but I have too.

ANYA: Yes, I forgot about all the vigorous sitting around.

XANDER: Anya, you can back off a little. You get paid. Willow's doing this on her own time.

ANYA: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.

XANDER: Anya, play nice.

ANYA: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you, bathes you...

WILLOW: She bathes you?

XANDER: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way, not in a sponge-bath-y geriatric sort of...

GILES: Please! Stop, I beg of you.

***

SPIKE: What took you? Guess it takes a while to get back to full strength after those bites. Hey! Hey, let's be reasonable about this.

RILEY: You may have noticed, Spike, I left reasonable about three exits back.

SPIKE: Look, I'm not the one who got you into this. Don't kill the messenger.

RILEY: Why the hell not?

***

SPIKE: Ow! Bloody hell! Oh god! Hey.

RILEY: Plastic wood-grain. Looks real, doesn't it? Don't think I don't know what's goin' on with you, Spike. Stay away from her. Or we'll do this for real next time.

SPIKE: Oh, man. You are really under it, aren't you?

RILEY: What?

SPIKE: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey.

RILEY: Because you are.

SPIKE: Well ... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her. Ow, bloody hell!

RILEY: Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough.

SPIKE: Come on. You're not the long haul guy and you know it.

RILEY: Shut up.

SPIKE: You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from two-bit vampire trulls. The girl needs some monster in her man ... and that's not in your nature... no matter how low you try to go.

RILEY: You actually think you've got a shot with her?

SPIKE: No, I don't. Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can.

RILEY: If you touched her... you know I'd kill you for real.

SPIKE: I had this chip outta my head, I'da killed you long ago. Ain't love grand? Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent ... No, you got the better deal.

RILEY: I'm the lucky guy. Yeah. I'm the guy.

***

XANDER: How long has she been in there?

ANYA: A while now. Seems pretty gung-ho about it too. Didn't even stop to say hello.

XANDER: Yeah, when we went to deal with that vampire nest, she got all Rambo and torched the place. Something seriously bad is going on with her.

ANYA: Oh, I don't know, maybe you're overreacting. I mean, who hasn't done stuff like that from time to time? I mean, I made this one guy spontaneously combust, and he set his whole village on fire.

XANDER: Can you stop being scary for a minute and listen to what I'm trying to tell you?

***

RILEY: We need to talk.

BUFFY: I'm not ready to talk to you yet.

RILEY: Too bad.

BUFFY: I'm serious. Unless you wanna fight.

RILEY: So let's fight. We need to have this out, Buffy. Right now.

BUFFY: And say what, Riley? 'What were you thinking? How long have you been lying to me?' Nothing you say right now is gonna make this better.

RILEY: I realize that. I don't expect... I just need you to hear me out.

BUFFY: Fine. Get your hand off of me.

RILEY: I think, when this thing started, it was just some stupid, immature game. I wanted to even the score after you let Dracula bite you.

BUFFY: I did not *let* Dracula-

RILEY: I know. On some level I know that. But I was still spun. I don't know, I - I wanted to know what you felt. I wanted to know why Dracula and Angel have so much power over you.

BUFFY: You so don't get it.

RILEY: I wanted to get it, Buffy. I wanted to get you.

BUFFY: So this is my fault? Hey, gee, Buffy's so mysterious, I think I'll go out and almost die. I think I'll go and let some other w...

RILEY: This isn't your fault. It's mine. I feel like hell for what I've put you through. It's just... these girls-

BUFFY: Vampires. Killers.

RILEY: They made me feel something, Buffy. Something I didn't even know I was missing until-

BUFFY: I can't. I can't hear this.

RILEY: You *need* to hear this.

BUFFY: Fine. Fine! Tell me about your whores! Tell me what on earth they were giving you that I can't.

RILEY: They needed me.

BUFFY: They needed your money. It wasn't about you.

RILEY: No. On some basic level it *was* about me. My blood, my body. When they bit me ... it was beyond passion. They wanted to devour me, all of me.

BUFFY: Why are you telling me this?

RILEY: It wasn't real. I know, it was just physical. But the fact that I craved it ... that, that I kept going back ... even if it was fleeting, they made me feel like they had such... hunger for me.

BUFFY: And I don't ... make you feel that way? How on earth can you compare me to that? How can you tell me you understand what those vampires are feeling? You aren't a passion to them, you are a snack! A willing, idiotic snack.

RILEY: No, I know exactly what they feel when they bite me, because I feel it every time we're together. It's like the whole world falls away. And all there is is you.

BUFFY: And you think that I don't feel the same way about you? How dare you tell me what I feel?

RILEY: You keep me at a distance, Buffy. You didn't even call me when your mom went into the hospital.

BUFFY: Oh, I'm sorry. You know, um, I'm sorry that I couldn't take care of you when I thought that my mother was dying.

RILEY: It's about me taking care of you! It's about letting me in. So you don't have to be on top of everything all the time.

BUFFY: But I do. That's part of what being a slayer is. And that's what this is really about, isn't it? You can't handle the fact that I'm stronger than you.

RILEY: It's hard sometimes, yeah. But that's not it.

BUFFY: Then what? What else do you want from me, Riley? I've given you everything that I have, I've given you my heart, my body and soul!

RILEY: You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it.

BUFFY: Well, whose fault its that? Because I'm telling you, this is it, this is me. This is the package. And if it's so deficient that you need to get your kicks elsewhere ... then we really have a problem.

RILEY: They want me back, Buffy ... the military. It's deep undercover, no contact with civilians. Transport's leaving tonight.

BUFFY: Tonight? When were you gonna tell me about this?

RILEY: I'm telling you now.

BUFFY: Are you going?

RILEY: I don't know. If we can't work this out...

BUFFY: Then what? This is goodbye? You are unbelievable. You're giving me an ultimatum?

RILEY: No, I'm not.

BUFFY: Yes you are! You expect me to get over it now or you're gone!

RILEY: I don't, Buffy, that's not what I meant.

BUFFY: Well, I have heard enough. I will not take the blame for this.

RILEY: I'm not asking you to.

BUFFY: Let go of me!

RILEY: Or what? You'll hit me? Go ahead. Come on, do it.

BUFFY: Get out of my way.

RILEY: I'm serious, Buffy, hit me. Hit me. I'm leaving, Buffy. Unless you give me a reason to stay ... I'm leaving tonight.

***

BUFFY: Just leave me alone, Xander. You have no idea what's going on.

XANDER: No? Good, so you and Riley *aren't* imploding? It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming.

BUFFY: What? Who told you?

XANDER: Nobody told me anything, Buffy. It was right in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you.

BUFFY: The guy got himself bit by a vampire! He lied to me. He ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed! And now he tells me that he's leaving with some covert military operation at midnight unless *I* convince him not to. Now tell me that you understand. Because I sure as hell don't.

XANDER: You gonna let him go?

BUFFY: It's not my decision to make.

XANDER: Of course it is.

BUFFY: Well, it's not fair.

XANDER: Who cares if it's fair? In about twenty minutes, Riley's gonna disappear, maybe forever, unless you do something to stop him.

BUFFY: What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?

XANDER: Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here-

BUFFY: I don't even know who he is any more. I mean, I thought he was ... dependable.

XANDER: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?

BUFFY: You know what I mean.

XANDER: Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to, and take off when you didn't.

BUFFY: Look who's talking. Look who has Anya following him around like a lovesick puppy.

XANDER: Oh boy, is this *not* about me.

BUFFY: Is she more than a convenience? 'Cause that would kinda be a surprise.

XANDER: If you don't wanna hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now.

BUFFY: Good, 'cause I don't.

XANDER: I lied. See, what I think, you got burned with Angel, then Riley shows up.

BUFFY: I know the story, Xander.

XANDER: But you miss the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy ... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need ... if you're ready for that ... then think about what you're about to lose.

BUFFY: Xander...

XANDER: Run.

***

XANDER: (To Anya) I've gotta say something... 'Cause ... I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do ... the way you think ... the way you move ... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I just thought you might wanna know.

***

Triangle

ANYA: If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?

XANDER: Check. Big bomb clock. Come here.

ANYA: Maybe it's her.

XANDER: Huh?

ANYA: Well, maybe it won't happen to us because it's all about *her* messing things up. She couldn't make it work with Angel, and then she let Riley go away.

XANDER: Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.

ANYA: Hmm. Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah, the next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em you start going "my goodness, young lady ... maybe you're doing something wrong here too."

XANDER: I don't think it's a pattern with her. No, it's just ... you know, now that it happened again ... man number two ... I wonder how she's dealing with it.

***

GILES: I, I'm not gonna mention Dawn's name. I wouldn't do that, I promise.

BUFFY: But you're gonna tell them about the key? That Glory's looking for something called the key?

GILES: Well, knowing her goal is, is crucial. I mean, i-i-if anything helps them uncover her origins, her, her plans...

BUFFY: I know. It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as ... you could throw them.

GILES: Thank you very much.

BUFFY: I'm just freaked about the idea of giving them any information that could possibly lead them to Dawn.

GILES: Truly, Buffy, if I saw an alternative ... if, if the Initiative were still around, I'd consider using them, but... they're gone, and then Riley was, was, uh, the last link we had to the government. Sorry, I didn't mean to....

BUFFY: It's okay. You can say his name. I'm doing all right. These things happen. People break up and they move on ... for a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but ... big picture...

GILES: Not so huge.

BUFFY: Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world, don't you listen?

***

XANDER: So, how goes the slaying?

BUFFY: I killed something in a convent last night.

XANDER: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.

BUFFY: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Ooh! But I met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.

XANDER: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

***

SPIKE: (To a mannequin) Um ... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to ... Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and - you ungrateful bitch! Bitch!... Buffy ... there's something I wanted to tell you.

***

ANYA: Hey. What are you two doing?

WILLOW: Oh, we're gonna try out a few spells.

TARA: There's this thing you can do where you create light, and we thought, what if you could make, like, simulated sunlight?

WILLOW: Yeah, so then, you know, there Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps, a-and then she just goes, "Presto!"

TARA: Only it won't be "presto" exactly.

WILLOW: And, and voom! There's a, a floating ball of sunlight. Vamps get dusty.

TARA: You don't wanna look right at it, though.

ANYA: That's swell, but you can't use this stuff. Giles has only been gone two days and you're already causing trouble. You shouldn't do things while he's gone.

WILLOW: You're the fish!

ANYA: What?

WILLOW: The, the fish in the bowl, in The Cat in the Hat. He was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was out.

ANYA: What are you talking about?

TARA: It's a book. This cat does all this mischief.

WILLOW: It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl! A-and, but don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.

ANYA: You're referencing literature I have no way to be familiar with. You're trying to make me feel left out, and you're stealing!

WILLOW: I'm not stealing. I-I'm just taking things without paying for th... In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?

TARA: Willow, maybe we should just pay.

WILLOW: Anya, Giles would be totally fine with this. Come on, it'll be fun. We could show you how to do some stuff! You could be floatin' pencils by the end of the day.

ANYA: Sometimes I miss having powers. Oh. Oh! I know what this is! This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and, and have drugs.

***

ANYA: The cash register! What did you do with the cash register? Dear god!

WILLOW: I'll fix it, I'll fix it! Recursat. There, all back. Good as new.

ANYA: Money. Did you hurt the money? Money good? She endangered the money!

WILLOW: Of course, that's what she cares about. "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services."

ANYA: Xander, she's pretending to be me!

WILLOW: Well, can you even believe how she's acting?

XANDER: Okay, you know what? I'm tired of being the one in the middle. I'm not gonna let you pull me into this.

WILLOW: I'm not.

XANDER: Whatever the issue is between you two, just figure it out without me.

***

WILLOW: I don't even get how we made that guy, because, wow, advanced!

ANYA: No one made him. He must have been trapped in that crystal, and you released him.

WILLOW: *I* released him? No, this was definitely a "we" thing. Or, or a "you" thing! I-it definite feels like a you thing.

ANYA: Look, just find the reversal spell. And hurry! Look what he did to that lamppost!

WILLOW: I'm trying. Put the top up, the pages are all blowy!

ANYA: Well, I don't know how to put the top up, I only just figured out what the left pedal does. It makes us stop!

WILLOW: You don't know how to drive? Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?

ANYA: Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?

***

SPIKE: Hey, watch it. Oh, it's you.

XANDER: Spike, don't let me stop you from not being here.

SPIKE: I was here first, you know.

XANDER: Uh-huh. Go away.

SPIKE: Now why would I do that, when it's bugging you so much having me here? They have chicken wings too. Also a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.

XANDER: Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?

SPIKE: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.

XANDER: Hey! Those are mine.

SPIKE: My, my. Someone's in a temper. This all sympathetic misery borrowed from the Slayer?

XANDER: What? No, nothing to do with Buffy.

SPIKE: So she's all right then. Not, uh ... holding grudges.

XANDER: What are you talking about? What does Buffy have to do with anything? What grudges?

SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Okay. No need to talk about her then. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time.

***

XANDER: And they get in these fights, and they're both looking at me like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look, this, um, "what the hell do you see in her" look.

SPIKE: I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know.

XANDER: Well, she was insane. Then it's like, well, I get all torn. Because, Willow's my best friend and I really value her opinion, but, uh, Anya's my girlfriend, you know?

SPIKE: Hmm. What does the Slayer think of all this ... friction in the ranks? Can't be good for morale.

XANDER: I don't know.

SPIKE: She's a little ... preoccupied, maybe. It's understandable what with all the upset, all the blaming of innocent bystanders who got caught up in the mess.

XANDER: What?

SPIKE: I mean, did she *want* to be made a fool of? And, what does a person have to do to make it right?

***

WILLOW: I wish Buffy was here.

BUFFY: I'm here.

WILLOW: I wish I had a million dollars. Just checking.

BUFFY: What's going on? Where did he come from?

SPIKE: Hello, Buffy.

ANYA: Willow stole ingredients and released him from a purple crystal. He's a troll.

BUFFY: You did this?

WILLOW: Me? No, we. I mean, us. Uh, her. It's very complex.

ANYA: Well, we can stop him. Willow, do the spell.

WILLOW: Uh, let the conjuring be-

OLAF: Stop!

WILLOW: Nobody lets me finish!

OLAF: You ... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!

ANYA: Uh, um...

XANDER: You dated him?

BUFFY: You dated a troll?

WILLOW: And we're what, surprised by this?

ANYA: Well, he wasn't a troll then! You know, he was just a big dumb guy, and ... well, you know, he cheated on me and I made him into a troll, which by the way is... how I got the ... job as a vengeance demon.

***

BUFFY: What are you doing?

SPIKE: Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.

BUFFY: You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?

SPIKE: Well, yeah.

BUFFY: You're disgusting.

SPIKE: (to himself) What's it take?

***

ANYA: In case we need 'em, I'm getting more of all the things you stole.

WILLOW: I didn't - why do you do that?

ANYA: What?

WILLOW: You're so rude! I mean, sure, at first, ex-demon, doesn't know the rules. Well, you been here forever. Learn the rules.

ANYA: Rules are stupid.

WILLOW: Great, whatever. I just thought you might be interested in learning to act more human. Some of us enjoy it. Oh, look for, uh, spells with dimensional portals too.

ANYA: I *am* a human. And there are ... many humans who are stranger than me.

WILLOW: Uh-huh, but, unless I'm really wrong about crazy Larry down at the bus stop, he's probably not gonna turn Xander into a troll.

ANYA: Well, now, that's a very complicated proced... Oh. You think I'm gonna hurt Xander? I would *never* hurt Xander! You really think I would do that!

WILLOW: Anya, it's what you do. You spent what, a thousand years hurting men? You got your "thousand years of hurting men" gold watch.

ANYA: I was a demon then, and, and I don't even have any powers now! Is this the spell?

WILLOW: Only if you want him to double in size, and grow extra arms, which ... let's not. A-and by the way, you weren't a demon when you turned Olaf into Lord of the Hammers. You managed that. Also, there's ... other ways to hurt Xander.

ANYA: I don't do magic now. You're the one with that kind of power. In fact, D'Hoffryn offered you my old job. You're closer to being a vengeance demon than I am, maybe Xander should be afraid of you.

WILLOW: Xander's my best friend!

ANYA: Oh, and you don't want anyone else to have him. I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!

WILLOW: No it was not! Well, yes it was so, but ... that was a long time ago. Do you think I'd do that again?

ANYA: Why not?

WILLOW: Well, hello, gay now.

ANYA: But you're always doing everything you can to, to point out how much I'm an outsider. You've known him since you were squalling infants together. You'll always know him better than I do. You could sweep in and, and poison his mind against me.

WILLOW: You're insane! I am not gonna take him away and I am not gonna hurt him.

ANYA: Well, I'm not either!

***

OLAF: You fight well, although you are a tiny man. I shall reward you. Only one of your women shall die, and you shall be the one to choose.

WILLOW: Did he just say-

OLAF: Ha ha. Choose! Anyanka or the witch. One of your women must die.

XANDER: No. You are one crazy troll, I ... I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic.

ANYA: Go Xander. I love you.

OLAF: Good for you. You are a loyal man.

WILLOW: Xander!

OLAF: Now. Choose!

ANYA: Olaf, no!

XANDER: I'm not choosing.

OLAF: Then you shall be the one who dies.

ANYA: No! Choose me! Just don't take him! Don't take Xander!

***

ANYA: How can I help?

WILLOW: Uh, distract him from Buffy, uh, piss him off.

ANYA: I don't know how.

WILLOW: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.

***

XANDER: You really dated him?

ANYA: Yes.

XANDER: But you like me better, right?

ANYA: Yes! Oh, and Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way, you know, 'cause she's gay. And she's not gonna try to break us up, so, you know, it's all okay.

***

Check Point

GILES: Uh, yes, yes, we, we're here for a reason. I've had some rather, uh ... well, I've had some news. It seems that the Council of Watchers has ... found some information that may help us out.

BUFFY: About Glory?

GILES: Presumably. We'll find that out when they ... arrive. Could be very important.

BUFFY: Arrive? They're coming here? Now? W-why do they have to come here?

XANDER: Yeah, don't they have phones? "Allo, Buffy, here's some stuff we know, pip pip."

BUFFY: Yeah! Phones. See, I'd like them on phones.

TARA: Well, what's so bad about them coming here? Aren't they good guys? I mean, Watchers, that's just like other Gileses, right?

BUFFY: Yeah, they're scary and horrible!

GILES: Um, they, well, they can appear a bit ... well, uh, hard-nosed, but, uh, well, essentially, their agenda is the same as ours, they want to save the world and kill demons.

ANYA: Kill the current demons, right? *Current* demons.

BUFFY: Giles, I don't want them to come here. I don't trust them. Make them not come here.

GILES: They're probably already on their way. Our old friend Quinton Travers is ... heading up the delegation.

BUFFY: They put me through that test, and it almost killed me. And then, when I was Faith, they almost killed me again. Honestly, I really can't handle almost being killed right now.

ANYA: I don't like the sound of this. They don't sound very ex-demon-compatible.

TARA: Are you sure they're English? I-I thought English people were, um, gentler, then, uh, normal...

WILLOW: Maybe it won't be so bad this time. I mean, Buffy, they did think you were Faith last time. Now that they know you're just you, maybe they won't care enough to kill you.

***

GILES: You all stand around and look somber. Good job.

TRAVERS: You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us.

GILES: You used to pay me. If you recall, firing me was not my idea.

TRAVERS: Touche. But you were on the inside once. You know what sort of resources we command. We've discovered information about this creature, your Glory. Some of it is clearly vital, the rest merely extremely disturbing. And it won't be handed over until we're convinced that you and your Slayer are prepared for it. Thus the review.

GILES: I'm not having you put her through another one of your insane tests.

TRAVERS: It's not a test. It's a check of her methods. We need to know that this information is safe.

GILES: You can trust her. Buffy's come very far recently. She's acquired a remarkable focus.

***

BUFFY: Spike ... why did you do that?

SPIKE: Not for money, if that's what you're thinking. Your heartfelt gratitude's plenty. I expect I'll be getting that any moment.

BUFFY: Gratitude. For getting in my way?

SPIKE: Ge-getting in your way? I saved you.

BUFFY: I was regrouping.

SPIKE: You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help.

BUFFY: I didn't need you. I never need you, Spike.

SPIKE: Oh, I get it. You just don't like who did the rescuin', that's all. Wishin' I was your boyfriend what's-his-face. Oh wait, he's run off.

BUFFY: You know what? I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason.

SPIKE: Don't need or can't keep? You keep making notches in the headboard but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they?

BUFFY: You're disgusting.

SPIKE: Oh, rough talk. Maybe that's your problem, maybe you push 'em away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much. Or maybe ... your beauty's fading. The stress of slaying, aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm.

BUFFY: You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't.

SPIKE: Or maybe you just don't hold their interest.

***

GILES: They're ... staying a little longer than I'd anticipated.

TRAVERS: We've already laid out our project for Mr. Giles. Nigel?

NIGEL: It's an exhaustive examination of your procedures and abilities. We'll observe your training, talk to your friends...

BUFFY: Talk to my friends?

TRAVERS: Yes, we understand you're still taking civilians out on patrols.

BUFFY: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

TRAVERS: Buffy ... I can sense your resistance, and I don't blame you. But I think your Watcher hasn't reminded you lately of the resolute status of the players in our little game. The Council fights evil. The Slayer is the instrument by which we fight. The Council remains, the Slayers change. It's been that way from the beginning.

GILES: Well, that's a very comforting, bloodless way of looking at it, isn't it?

TRAVERS: Giles, let me talk to Buffy, because I think she's understanding me. Glory is stronger than you. She's a more powerful instrument, if you will. We can help you. We have information that will help. Pass the review and we give it to you without reservation. Fail the review, either through incompetence, or by resisting our recommendations...

GILES: Resisting your recommendations? She fails if we don't do whatever you say! How much under your thumb do you think we are?

TRAVERS: How much do you want our help?

GILES: She's not your bloody instrument and you have no right to do any of this!

BUFFY: Giles!

TRAVERS: I understand you think this is unfair. But there are factors which should motivate you to go along with the review. Now, I don't want to do this, but obviously we could shut this place down permanently.

BUFFY: You can't do that. You don't have that kind of power.

TRAVERS: Of course we do, and a great deal more. In fact, if you insist on fighting us, we'll arrange to have Mr. Giles deported within the day. Never set foot in this country again. Now perhaps you're used to idle threats and sloppy discipline, Miss Summers, but you're dealing with grownups now. Am I making myself clear?

***

WILLOW: Questions, great.

TARA: Well, we can answer questions.

NIGEL: Good. I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.

TARA: O-o-our relationship?

WILLOW: We're friends.

TARA: Good friends.

WILLOW: Girlfriends, actually.

TARA: Yes, we're girlfriends.

WILLOW: We're in love. We're ... lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.

NIGEL: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.

TARA: Um, just good friends.

***

XANDER: *Best* friends. Willow and me and Buffy. The three of us have been together from the beginning. We've always gone on patrols, and uh, done demon research with her and everything.

PHILIP: Have you mastered any fighting disciplines over the years?

XANDER: No.

PHILIP: So, you have no special skills, or powers, or knowledge that you bring to the mix. Neither of you.

ANYA: Just enthusiasm for killing the demons. Go deadness for the demons.

XANDER: I don't have any powers, but I do help.

PHILIP: How? Be specific.

XANDER: Last year, uh, Willow, Giles and me combined our essences with Buffy, which isn't as weird as it sounds. We merged, and I was the heart part of a super-Buffy. Again, let me stress the not-as-weird thing.

ANYA: I'm told it was all very professional.

***

NIGEL: Are you saying that the Slayer needs that level of help from you often?

WILLOW: No, no, she doesn't need help.

TARA: She'd be fine without us. Sometimes she goes off and does stuff without even telling us.

WILLOW: Not that she's like a, a weird loner or anything.

TARA: I'm not sure we're saying this right.

WILLOW: See, here's the thing. We, we can help because we do magicks. I'm working on this ball of sunshine thing. See, I have this theory.

TARA: It's very cool.

WILLOW: A-and if it works, easier slaying for Buffy. Not that it's hard for her now!

NIGEL: Interesting. What level are you at?

TARA: Level?

NIGEL: Magical proficiency level?

WILLOW: Oh! Uh, high, a high level. Very high. One of those ... top levels.

TARA: Five!

***

SPIKE: I pitch in when she pays me.

FEMALE WATCHER: She pays you? She gives you money?

SPIKE: Money, a little nip of blood out of some stray victim, whatever.

FEMALE WATCHER: Blood?

SPIKE: Well, if they're gonna die anyway. Come to think of it, though, that's a bit scandalous, isn't it? Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slipping.

FEMALE WATCHER: You've noticed a decline in her work?

SPIKE: Oh, yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments, she'll be cryin' on my shoulder, mark my words.

FEMALE WATCHER: Is that what you want? I'd think you'd want to kill her. You've killed Slayers before.

SPIKE: Heard of me, have you?

FEMALE WATCHER: I ... wrote my thesis on you.

SPIKE: Well, well. Isn't that neat. Tell me, pet, now we're such good friends, how's the Slayer doing? Is she okay? High marks in all categories?

***

GLORY: So ... this is where the Slayer eats, sleeps, and ...combs her hair? Oh... so cute. I can't even stand it. Personally? I need more space, but uh, this is good for you, it's, it's so quaint, and... Buffy... If I wanted to fight, you could tell by the being dead already. So play nice, little girl.

BUFFY: What do you want?

GLORY: The key. Why else do you think I'd come here? See, I think you knew where it is. And that's a good thing.

BUFFY: I'm glad you think so.

GLORY: Well, it's the only thing keeping you alive right now. Because you may be tiny queen in vampire world... but to me, you're a bug. You should get down on your knees and worship me! But oh, no, you still think it's neat having Slayer strength. Ooh, big deal! Stronger than humans! Who isn't? I could crush the life from you as easy as you'd break a nail. But I need the key. Kid! Come here a sec.

BUFFY: Leave her out of this.

GLORY: Not asking twice.

BUFFY: This is between you and me.

GLORY: No. This is between me and my key. You just happen to be the thing in the way. And you are just the darlin'-est thing I ever did see in my life. What's your name, honey?

DAWN: Dawn.

GLORY: Dawn? Did you know your sister took my key, Dawnie? And she won't give it back! I bet you know where she put it, don't you?

BUFFY: She doesn't know anything.

DAWN: I know some stuff.

GLORY: I bet she takes your stuff all the time without asking, doesn't she? Where's my key, Dawn?

BUFFY: Go upstairs, Dawn.

DAWN: You're always talking about stuff I'm not supposed to hear. I'm gonna figure it out, you know.

GLORY: Ooh, I like her. She's sassy. And I'll kill her. I'll kill your mom, I'll kill your friends ... and I'll make you watch when I do. Just give me the key. You either have it or you know where to find it. Obviously, this is a one-time-only deal. Next time we meet, something you love dies bloody. You know you can't take me. You know you can't stop me.

***

SPIKE: So, what's with the family outing?

BUFFY: I need your help.

SPIKE: Great. I need your cash.

BUFFY: I'm serious. You have to look after them.

SPIKE: Well, that's a boatload of manly responsibility to come flying out of nowhere. What's the matter, Slayer? You're not feeling a hundred percent?

BUFFY: No.

SPIKE: They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?

BUFFY: No!

SPIKE: Be funny if they did.

BUFFY: Spike, I need an answer. Now. In or out? You're the only one strong enough to protect them.

SPIKE: All right then. Ladies... Come on in. There's plenty of blood in the fridge.

DAWN: Do you mean like, real blood?

SPIKE: What do you think?

DAWN: Mostly I think "ew."

BUFFY: (to Joyce) Keep Dawn here as long as you can. I'll be back soon.

JOYCE: Okay.

BUFFY: I don't think I need to remind you, but-

SPIKE: Yeah, yeah, "anything happens to 'em I'll stake you good and proper." Sing me a new one sometime, eh? That bit's gone stale.

***

BUFFY: There isn't gonna be a review.

TRAVERS: Sorry?

BUFFY: No review. No interrogation. No questions you *know* I can't answer. No hoops, no jumps - and no interruptions. See ... I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Glory ... came to my home today.

GILES: Buffy, are you-

BUFFY: Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.

NIGEL: This is beyond insolence-

BUFFY: I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions.

XANDER: That was excellent!

BUFFY: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...

GILES: (coughing) Retroactive.

BUFFY: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends...

FEMALE WATCHER: I, uh, I ... don't want a sword thrown at me, but, but, civilians, I - we're talking about children.

BUFFY: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.

ANYA: Willow's a demon?!

PHILIP: The boy? No power there.

BUFFY: The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.

WILLOW: (To Xander) That's Riley-speak.

XANDER: I've clocked field time.

BUFFY: Now. You all may be very good at your jobs. The only way we're gonna find out is if you work with me. You can all take your time thinking about that. But I want an answer right now from Quinton, 'cause I think he's understanding me.

TRAVERS: Uh, your terms are acceptable.

***

BUFFY: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.

TRAVERS: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.

BUFFY: What is she?

TRAVERS: She's a god.

***

Blood Ties

XANDER: We're going up against a god. An actual mightier-than-thou god.

WILLOW: Well, you know what they say, the bigger they are-

ANYA: The faster they stomp you into nothing.

***

GILES: From what the Council's been able to discover from the book of Tarnis and, and, and other sources, Glory and two of her fellow hellgods ruled over ... one of the more seriously unpleasant demon dimensions.

TARA: There's more than one?

ANYA: Oh, there are thousands of demon dimensions. All different.

GILES: All pushing on the edges of our reality, trying to find a way in.

BUFFY: I guess Glory found one. The question is, why?

GILES: There's nothing to indicate that here. Just ... vague references to ... chaos and destruction.

BUFFY: Okay, so, we know where Glory's from. What do we know about her? You know, she's tough, yeah, but, but no bolts of lightning, no blasts of fire, shouldn't a god be able to do that kind of stuff?

GILES: Uh, usually, yes, but um, being in human form must be severely limiting her powers. All we have to worry about right now is she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane.

XANDER: A *crazy* hellgod? And the fun just keeps on leaving.

GILES: From what I've been able to gather, her living in this world is ... seriously affecting her mental state as well. She's only being able to keep her mind intact by, uh, extracting energy from us. Well, from, from the human brain.

TARA: She, she, she's a brain-sucker?

GILES: She, um ... "absorbs the energies that bind the human mind into a cohesive whole." Once drained, all that's left behind is, uh-

BUFFY: Crazy people.

GILES: Which is, I'm afraid, why there's been a marked increase in the ranks of the mentally unstable here in Sunnydale.

TARA: At least vampires just kill you.

BUFFY: We have to find a way to stop her.

WILLOW: Oh, well, Tara and I can work on some tactical spells.

ANYA: I can do some research. I know *way* more about demon dimensions than Giles does. Well, I do.

XANDER: This is great long-term plan-y stuff, but what about this ... key thingy Glory's looking for?

TARA: Yeah, I mean, shouldn't we be trying to find it before she does?

BUFFY: I don't think that's what we should be worrying about right now.

WILLOW: They've got a point. Whatever Glory's planning on opening with the key, I'm guessing it won't be filled with candy and flowers.

XANDER: So where should we start looking? Do we know where it used to be kept? Who saw it last?

BUFFY: We did. Giles and me. We, we know where it is.

XANDER: You what?

WILLOW: You know, and you didn't tell us?

GILES: There were ... reasons.

BUFFY: Look, i-if Glory knew that you guys knew where it was, I ... I-I just didn't wanna put you in that kind of danger.

XANDER: As opposed to the other kind we're always in?

WILLOW: You should have said something.

BUFFY: Will, there- You're right. It's time.

GILES: Are you sure?

BUFFY: If they're gonna be risking their lives, they deserve to know.

XANDER: Know what?

BUFFY: There's something that you need to know ... about Dawn.

***

TARA: How can she not be real?

WILLOW: She's real, she's just ... kinda ... new.

***

DAWN: Hey. We on the case?

XANDER: Yeah. Right on top, perched, ready for action. How's my sweet fancy Dawn doing?

DAWN: Fine. What's up with you? Did you get into the sugar again?

ANYA: You make a very pretty little girl!

XANDER: Anya, you wanna help me with that thing?

ANYA: Xander needs help with his thing!

***

DAWN: I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?

BUFFY: Glory is evil. And powerful. And in no way prettier than me.

DAWN: I just think you're getting soft in your advanced age. She didn't look that tough to me.

***

DAWN: Why does everybody start acting all weird when I'm around?

XANDER: Me? Me not weird.

DAWN: I'm not an idiot. I know you're talking about me.

XANDER: No, no, we really weren't.

ANYA: We were talking about sex.

DAWN: (to Joyce) They were talking about me, just like everybody is.

XANDER: Again, not so much. In fact, none.

ANYA: We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us, sometimes we like to pretend stuff-

JOYCE: Um...

XANDER: Anya!

ANYA: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd-

BUFFY: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.

DAWN: Oh. Right. Of course. Can't let Dawn hear anything. Fine. I'm just gonna go to bed. That way I won't accidentally get exposed to, like, words.

***

DAWN: Geez! Lurk much?

SPIKE: I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe.

DAWN: What is- Are you giving Buffy a birthday present? Oh my god. Weird. And chocolates? Lame. And the box is all bent, and, well, you know she'd never touch anything from you anyway.

SPIKE: Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?

DAWN: Is that supposed to scare me?

SPIKE: Little tremble wouldn't hurt.

DAWN: Sorry, it's just ... come on. *I'm* badder than you.

SPIKE: Are not!

DAWN: Am too. You're standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm-

SPIKE: What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?

DAWN: No. I'm breaking into the magic shop ... to steal things.

SPIKE: Magic shop, eh? All number of beasties between here and there. Bet they'd really go for a little red riding hood like you. Bet that wouldn't sit too well with big sister.

DAWN: I can take care of myself. You wanna come steal some stuff?

SPIKE: Yeah, all right.

***

DAWN: "The key is not directly described in any known literature, but all research indicates an energy matrix vibrating at a dimensional frequency beyond normal human perception. Only those outside reality can see the key's true nature." Outside reality. What's that mean?

SPIKE: Mm. Second-sight blokes, mostly. Or even just your run-of-the-mill lunatics. What else does it say about this key? Is it made out of gold? Maybe we can hock it, split the take.

DAWN: Um, "The key is also susceptible to necromanced animal detection, particularly those of canine or serpent construct."

SPIKE: "The monks possessed the ability to transform energy, bend reality." Blah, blah, blah. Good lord, Giles writes as dull as he talks, doesn't he? "They started work. But the Council ... has suggested ... to us that they were interrupted. Presumably by ... Glory. They obviously did manage to accomplish the taste... accomplish the task. They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life. So they sent the key to her ... in human form. In the form of a sister." Huh! I guess that's you, nibblet.

***

DAWN: Is this blood?

BUFFY: Dawn!

JOYCE: Oh, baby.

BUFFY: What did you do?!

DAWN: This is blood, isn't it? It can't be me. I'm not a key. I'm not a thing.

JOYCE: Oh, sweetie, no. Wha-what is this all about?

DAWN: What am I? Am I real? Am I anything?

***

DAWN: Why didn't you tell me?

BUFFY: We were going to. It just...

JOYCE: We thought it would be better if we waited until you were older.

DAWN: How old am I now?

JOYCE: You're fourteen, sweetheart, you know that.

DAWN: No. The monks. When did ... when did they ...

BUFFY: Six months ago.

DAWN: I've only been alive for six months, huh?

JOYCE: Honey, you've been alive a lot longer than that to us.

DAWN: You don't know that! You don't know anything. I'm, I'm just a key, right? Everything about me is made up.

BUFFY: Dawn ... Mom and I know what we feel. I know I care about you. I know that I worry about you-

DAWN: You worry about me because you have to. I'm your job. Protect the key, right?

BUFFY: I worry because my sister is cutting herself!

DAWN: Yeah? How do you know? Maybe this is just another fake memory from my fake family.

JOYCE: Sweetheart-

DAWN: Get out.

BUFFY: Dawn...

DAWN: Get out, get out, get out!

***

BUFFY: How could you let her find out like that? From books and papers? You hate me that much?

SPIKE: I was just along for the ride. Not like I knew she was mystical glowy key thing. Nobody keeps me in the bloody loop, do they?

BUFFY: You could have stopped her.

SPIKE: Oh, yeah, here it comes. Something goes wrong in your life, blame Spike. News flash, blondie. If kid sis wants to grab a midnight stroll, she'll find a way sooner or later. I just thought she'd be safer with big bad looking over her shoulder.

BUFFY: She shouldn't have found out like that.

SPIKE: You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? Maybe if *you* had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of Kick The Spike.

***

XANDER: There's so many things I remember. Seeing Dawn ... hanging with her ... listening to Buffy complain about her. Mostly that last one. How could it be that all those things never really happened?

GILES: Well, it takes some getting used to. The idea of a ... bright fourteen-year-old actually being living energy thousands of years old.

XANDER: I'm guessing some kind of super-powerful in her raw form.

GILES: People have killed, died for it ... summoned armies to control the key.

XANDER: You know, uh ... she kinda has a crush on me.

GILES: Your point being?

XANDER: Well nothing, no, uh ... just saying, powerful being ... big energy gal digging the Xan-man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?

***

BUFFY: Dawn! Dawn!

SPIKE: Yeah, that should do it.

BUFFY: Shut up.

SPIKE: The nibblet scampered off to get away from you. She hears you bellowing, she's gonna pack it in the opposite direction. Can't say I blame her.

BUFFY: You were right. This is my fault. I should have told her.

SPIKE: Look, she probably would have skipped off anyway, even if she never found out. She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a fourteen-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now, spin the bloody wheel. You'll find her, just in the nick of time, that's what you hero types do. You'll find her.

***

DAWN: What am I?

ORLANDO: The key. I found it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

DAWN: You know what the key is? Where did I come from? Who made me, wha-what am I?

ORLANDO: Thank you, thank you...

DAWN: Please!

ORLANDO: Destroyer! Cracked ... bones ... the sun bleeding into the sky! The key is the link.

DAWN: No, no.

ORLANDO: The link must be severed. Such is the will of God. Such is the will of God. Such is the will of God.

***

BEN: Dawn-

DAWN: I'm nothing! I'm just a thing the monks made so Glory couldn't find me. I'm not real.

BEN: You're the key?

DAWN: How do you know about the key?

BEN: Go! Before she finds you. Don't ask me how she knows, 'cause she always knows. Just go.

DAWN: Wait! Calm down, just tell me-

BEN: You don't understand, you're a kid. You stay, she'll find you. She finds you, she'll hurt you.

DAWN: What's wrong with you?

BEN: You're what she's been searching for. I am telling you, run. You don't know, you - Oh god. Oh god no, she's coming. I can feel it, you've gotta get out. No ... oh no, she's here! She's here!

GLORY: Hey, don't I know you?

***

GLORY: Now. What I'm trying to noodle, is what in the world was the Slayer's little sis doing here with gentle Ben?

DAWN: Y-you don't remember?

GLORY: Remember what? You were talking to him, not me. Oh, he wasn't being naughty, was he?

GUARD: Excuse me, ma'am. This area's for hospital personnel-

GLORY: Rude! I was talking! What do you say ... we find a nice place off the beaten where you and I can have a long uninterrupted chat.

***

GLORY: Okay. Small talk over. I'm in a bit of a crunch here, so let's cut right to the ooey gooey center. Your sister, the Slayer, has my key. It's mine, I want it. Do you know where she squirreled it away? There's ice cream and puppydogs in it for you if you start singin'.

DAWN: I'm not sure. What does it look like?

GLORY: Well... the last time I caught a peep ... it was a bright green swirly shimmer. Really brought out the blue in my eyes. But then those sneaky little monks pulled an abracadabra, so now it could look like anything. You see the predicament I'm in.

DAWN: Maybe...

GLORY: Yes?

DAWN: Well, maybe if you ... told me more about it, I'd know if I've seen it.

***

DAWN: So this ... key thing ... it's been around for a long time?

GLORY: Well, not as long as me, but ... yeah. Just this side of forever.

DAWN: Is it evil?

GLORY: Totally! Well, no, not really. I guess it depends on your point of view.

DAWN: What's it for? I mean ... if it's a key, there's gotta be a lock, right?

GLORY: Yes. We have a winner.

DAWN: S-so what does it open?

GLORY: I smell a fox in my hen house. Is that why you've been playing sugar and spice with old Uncle Ben? Trying to get a peek at Glory's unmentionables?

DAWN: No, I-

GLORY: Shh! I kinda wanna hear me talking right now. Me talking. You know what I'm starting to think? I'm thinking ... that maybe you ... don't have any idea where my key is. Very irritating. Irrational. Know what I mean, tiny snapdragon? Like... bugs under my skin. And say, I'm feelin' a little...

DAWN: What's wrong with you?

GLORY: Hey. Hey! This doesn't have to be a complete waste of my precious time. I've been meaning to send the Slayer a message. And I could use a little pick-me-up. Two birds, one stone, and Boom. You have yummy dead birds.

***

BUFFY: What did you do to her?

WILLOW: Teleportation spell. Still working out the kinks.

BUFFY: Where'd you send her?

WILLOW: Don't know. That's one of the kinks.

***

GILES: That was an incredibly ... dangerous spell for an adept at your level.

WILLOW: Yep. Won't be trying that one again soon.

***

BUFFY: Are you okay? Did she hurt you?

DAWN: Why do you care?

BUFFY: Because I love you. You're my sister.

DAWN: No I'm not.

BUFFY: Yes you are. Look, it's blood. It's Summers blood. It's just like mine. It doesn't matter where you came from, or, or how you got here. You are my sister. There's no way you could annoy me so much if you weren't.

DAWN: I was so scared.

BUFFY: Me too. Come on.

DAWN: Wait. Ben. He was here, he was trying to help me. He... I ... I think he might have left before Glory came ... I can't, I can't remember.

BUFFY: It's okay. Don't worry about it. Next time we see him, we'll thank him. I have to get you back home though. Mom's freaking out.

DAWN: Oh. Is she mad about the whole fire thing?

BUFFY: I think you sorta have a get-out-of-jail-free card on account of big love and trauma.

DAWN: Really? Okay. Good. You think she'd raise my allowance?

BUFFY: Don't push it.

***

Crush

BUFFY: What are you doing?

SPIKE: Wha, what do you mean what am ... I ...

BUFFY: Here? At this table? Talking to me. Like we're some kind of talking buddies.

SPIKE: Well, I saw you ... sitting here alone. Thought, I don't know, you could, maybe do with a bit of, uh, you know, company... Suit yourself! Although... It's just, we took on that Glory chippie together, I was right there with you, fightin' the fight.

BUFFY: Actually, you were sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious.

SPIKE: Still, points for intent. You'd think that would be enough to cut me a sliver of slack. Earn a little consideration, respect.

XANDER: Hey, uh, Evil Dead, you're in my seat.

SPIKE: Bugger it.

ANYA: Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings.

XANDER: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice. So, who's up for some more liquid refreshments? I'm buying, for I am payday man.

WILLOW: I could use a water.

XANDER: Water poses no challenge for payday man, for I have... Hey, where's my change? Spike, you diabolical fiend.

***

HARMONY: Aren't you coming to bed?

SPIKE: I'm not tired.

HARMONY: Me neither. Don't you wanna come in and ... tire me out?

SPIKE: Harm ... really not in the mood right now.

HARMONY: You're never in the mood! We could do something different tonight.

SPIKE: Like what, you stop yammering for two seconds?

HARMONY: Well, we could ... I don't know ... maybe play a game?

***

HARMONY: Oh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, and I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up, and I'm going to stake you so much with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the chosen- ...Oh, Spike!

***

WILLOW: I just don't see why he couldn't end up with Esmerelda. They could have the wedding right there. Beneath the very bell-tower where he labored thanklessly for all those years.

TARA: No, see, it can't, it can't end like that, 'cause all of Quasimodo's actions were selfishly motivated. He had no moral compass, no understanding of right. Everything he did, he did out of love for a woman who would never be able to love him back. Also, you can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy.

***

DAWN: So is that how you get around town in the daytime? I mean, does that lead into the sewers or something? Can you show me?

SPIKE: No. Why are you- Does Buffy know you're here?

DAWN: Yeah, right. 'Cause nothing would make her happier than to find out I'm hanging out after school in the vampire's lair. Especially yours.

SPIKE: Go home then.

DAWN: I don't feel like it right now.

SPIKE: Well, you can't bloody well stay here.

DAWN: Why not?

SPIKE: Because, I've got things to do. Bad, evil things! That are not for a child's eyes.

DAWN: I'm not a child. I'm not even human. Not originally.

SPIKE: Yeah, well, originally I was. I got over it. Doesn't seem to me it matters very much how you start out.

DAWN: That's smart. I get that. I like how you talk to me like I can understand things. Everyone else is being all ... twitchy and secretive.

SPIKE: They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect.

DAWN: I feel safe with you.

SPIKE: Take that back!

DAWN: I, I mean, you have that whole ... superpower thing, and ... you're just as tough as Buffy is, maybe tougher. Buffy thinks so too.

SPIKE: She does?

DAWN: Well, she's always worried about what she's gonna do if you ever get that chip out of your head.

SPIKE: Is that right? So, um... what else does Buffy say about me?

***

BUFFY: Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad.

DAWN: 'Cause it was Spike!

BUFFY: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is, it is dangerous, and ... icky.

DAWN: I don't think Spike's icky.

BUFFY: Yeah, well, think again, sister- You have a crush on him.

DAWN: No I don't! It's just, he's got cool hair, and he wears cool leather coats and stuff. And he doesn't treat me like an alien.

BUFFY: He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on something that is ... dead, and, and evil, and a vampire.

DAWN: Right, that's why you were never with Angel for three years.

BUFFY: Angel's different. He has a soul.

DAWN: Spike has a chip. Same diff.

BUFFY: I, I can't listen to this! Spike is a monster, okay? A-and plus, you are only fourteen years old.

DAWN: I like hanging out with him is all. And even if I did have a crush, he wouldn't notice in a million years. Not with you around.

BUFFY: What does that mean?

DAWN: Spike's totally into you. Oh, come on. You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike is completely in love with you.

BUFFY: Huh?

***

BUFFY: Xander?

XANDER: What?

BUFFY: Never mind. I-it's just that ... Dawn ... said that...

XANDER: Yeah?

BUFFY: Forget it.

XANDER: Buffy!

BUFFY: She thinks that ... she said that ... Spike's in love with me. ...I'm not joking.

XANDER: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true.

BUFFY: I'm serious. Xander, this is serious!

XANDER: All right.

BUFFY: It's creepy.

XANDER: No. Not creepy. 'Cause it's not real! I mean, how upset can you really get over one of Spike's ... fevered daydreams that's not gonna happen?

BUFFY: I guess.

XANDER: So, where did Dawn, how did she come to this *extremely* ... entertaining conclusion?

BUFFY: She was hanging out with Spike. I think she has a crush on him.

XANDER: What?

BUFFY: I mean, I always knew that he had this ... weird fixation with me...

XANDER: I'm the one she has a crush on! Me!

BUFFY: There's nothing here. Let's go.

XANDER: It's always been me! Big funny Xander! Oh, what, she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one any more? Why is that okay?

***

JOYCE: Oh, Buffy. Spike came by to apologize for yesterday. Our missing child drama.

BUFFY: And he just decided to ... hang out for a while?

JOYCE: Oh, well, I got talking about the gallery. See, there was this-

SPIKE: Oh, don't get us all laughing again, Joyce. Anyhow, I really need to talk to your eldest.

BUFFY: What about?

SPIKE: I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowin'.

BUFFY: Sorry, all out of cash. Why don't you hit on Giles - hit *up* Giles.

SPIKE: I got a bead on the guy who killed those people. The ones on the train.

BUFFY: Do tell.

SPIKE: I'll do better than that, I'll show. What's the matter?

BUFFY: Nothing ... just...

SPIKE: Two vamps holed up in a warehouse downtown. Come on, what are you waiting for, grab your coat and your pointy sticks.

***

BUFFY: What is this?

SPIKE: Oh, come- don't get your knickers twisted, I was-

BUFFY: What ... is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?

SPIKE: A d- Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean - Do you want it to be?

BUFFY: Oh my god. Oh ... oh no. Are you out of your mind?

SPIKE: It's not so unusual. Two people ... in the workplace ... feelings develop.

BUFFY: No! No, no, feelings do not develop. No feelings.

SPIKE: You can't deny it. There's something between us.

BUFFY: Loathing. Disgust.

SPIKE: Heat. Desire.

BUFFY: Please! Spike, you're a vampire.

SPIKE: Angel was a vampire.

BUFFY: Angel was good!

SPIKE: And I can be too. I've changed, Buffy.

BUFFY: What, that chip in your head? That's not change. Tha-that's just ... holding you back. You're like a serial killer in prison!

SPIKE: Women marry 'em all the time!

BUFFY: Uhh!

SPIKE: But I'm not ... like that. Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you.

BUFFY: Uhh.

SPIKE: And if that means turning my back on the whole evil thing-

BUFFY: You don't know what you mean! You don't know what feelings are!

SPIKE: I damn well do! I lie awake every night!

BUFFY: You sleep during the day!

SPIKE: Yeah, but - You are missing the point. This is real here. I love-

BUFFY: Don't! Don't say it. I'm going.

SPIKE: Oh, come on, we need to talk-

BUFFY: We don't need to do anything! Okay, there is no we! Understand?

SPIKE: Buffy.

***

SPIKE: Who's there?

DRUSILLA: A happy memory, pretty Spike. Look who's come to make everything right again.

***

DRUSILLA: Come back with me.

SPIKE: To Los Angeles? I've done the whole L.A. scene, Dru. Didn't agree with me. Besides, I've got a sweet little setup here in Sunny-D. Decent digs... not to mention all the tasty townies I can eat.

DRUSILLA: Naughty! Shh. You needn't make up stories. I already know why you're not coming. Poor boy. Tin soldiers put funny little knick-knacks in your brain. Can't hunt! Can't hurt! Can't kill! You've got a chip.

SPIKE: Right, so you've heard. Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? "You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up someday!"

DRUSILLA: I don't believe in science. All those bits and molecules no one's ever seen. I trust eyes and heart alone. And do you know what mine is singing out right now? You're a killer. Born to slash ... and bash ... and... oh, bleed like beautiful poetry. No little tinker-toy could ever stop you from flowing.

SPIKE: Yeah.

DRUSILLA: Ohh.

SPIKE: But the pain ... love, you don't understand, it's ... it's searing. It's, um, blinding.

DRUSILLA: All in your head. I can see it. Little bit of ... plastic, spiderwebbing out nasty blue shocks.And every one is a lie. Electricity lies, Spike. It tells you you're not a bad dog, but you are.

***

WILLOW: Well, he ... he actually told you? He, he said, "I love you"?

BUFFY: Well, I-I didn't let him get that far, but ... I could see the words coming.

JOYCE: Honey, did you ... somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?

BUFFY: Well, I ... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base.

WILLOW: Buffy, um ... I'm really worried.

JOYCE: So am I. He could become dangerous.

BUFFY: Not really. As long as it's still chips ahoy in Spike's head he can't hurt me, or any of us. You know, besides, this'll probably just blow over. You know? It's just some weird Spike thing. He'll have the hots for some gak demon before we know it.

WILLOW: I don't know. Uh, these things can, can become pretty twisted.

JOYCE: Yeah, and Spike, I mean, he's...

BUFFY: Pretty twisted.

JOYCE: Yeah.

WILLOW: Well, well, you made it clear, right? That it could never happen. That there's no possible way. Ever.

BUFFY: Yeah! I, I think so. I don't know, I, I was just so thrown.

WILLOW: Well, Buffy, you have to talk to him again.

BUFFY: What? No. No, no, no, I have to avoid him again.

WILLOW: Not until you shut him down completely. If he thinks there's even a little chance with you, there's no telling what he'll do.

***

SPIKE: You remember my ex, don't you, Slayer? Come back, she did. Couldn't live without me.

DRUSILLA: My boy's been feeding again. But I know what he really wants to eat. (To Spike) Shall we tie her up? Play with her a teensy bit first.

SPIKE: I'm through playing.

DRUSILLA: Oooh. I like it when you're all dour and straight to business-like.

SPIKE: Bloody well through playing.

***

DRUSILLA: Not nice to change the game in mid-play, Spike. You've taken my chair and the music hasn't stopped.

SPIKE: Sorry, pet. My house, my rules.

DRUSILLA: I think I shall be very cross with you when I'm free again.

BUFFY: What's going on?

SPIKE: Simple. I'm gonna prove something. I love you.

BUFFY: Oh my god.

SPIKE: No, look at me! I ... love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut ... my throat ... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you. ...I can do without the laugh track, Dru.

DRUSILLA: But it's so funny. I knew ... before you did. I knew you loved the Slayer. The pixies in my head whispered it to me.

SPIKE: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something.

BUFFY: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love. You can't love without a soul.

DRUSILLA: Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well. If not wisely.

SPIKE: You still don't believe. Still don't think I mean it. You want proof, huh? How's this? I'm gonna kill Drusilla for you.

BUFFY: That doesn't prove anything ... except that you're a sick miserable vampire that I should have dusted a long time ago. And, hey, already there.

SPIKE: Don't mock this.

BUFFY: Go mock yourself.

SPIKE: This is Drusilla, girl! You have the slightest idea what she means to me? This is the face of my salvation! She delivered me from mediocrity. For over a century we ... cut a swath through continents. A hundred years, she never stopped surprising me. Never stopped taking me to new depths. I was a lucky bloke. Just to touch such a black beauty.

DRUSILLA: Aw... Ow.

SPIKE: So you see, it means something.

BUFFY: Not to me. Kill her, why do I care?

SPIKE: Here's why. If you don't admit ... that there's something there ... some tiny feeling for me ... then I'll untie Dru, let her kill you instead.

DRUSILLA: Yes, please. I like that game much more.

SPIKE: Just ... give me something ... a crumb ... a barest smidgen ... tell me ... maybe, someday, there's a chance.

BUFFY: Spike.... The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.

SPIKE: Oh, what... Ohh! Gaaah! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why ... do you bitches torture me?

BUFFY: Which question do you want me to answer first?

SPIKE: Look, I, I'm at the end of my bleeding tether. You know? I don't even know why I even bother, you know. (To Dru) This is your fault. You're the one to blame for all this.

DRUSILLA: Am I?

SPIKE: Bloody right you are! If you hadn't left me for that chaos demon, I never would have come back here! Never would have had this sodding chip in my skull! And you - (to Buffy) wouldn't be able to touch me, because this, with you, is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot. You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell. You say you hate it, but you won't leave. You know, what I should just do, is get rid of both of you. Burn you. Cut you into little pieces so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi- Oh, great.

HARMONY: What about me, Spike? You forget about me again? The *actual* girlfriend? I gave you the best ... bunch of months of my life!

DRUSILLA: That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson.

SPIKE: Oh, so now you're all ganging up.

HARMONY: I thought I could change you, Spike. I thought maybe if I gave and I gave and gave, maybe you'd come around. Maybe be a little nicer. Stop treating me like your dog. But now I see it's you. You're the dog. Who needs to be put d-

***

DRUSILLA: Poor Spike... so lost. Even I can't help you now.

HARMONY: Oh Spikey. And you can say good-bye to this because you're not gonna see it any more ever. Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you. But even then ... I'll probably just ... you know ... back away.

***

SPIKE: Buffy! Come on now, stop. You can't just walk away from this.

BUFFY: What part of punching you in the face do you not understand?

SPIKE: So we had a fight. It's not our first, love, and it doesn't change anything.

BUFFY: It changes everything, Spike! I want you out. I want you out of this town, I want you off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends, or my family again ever! Understand?

SPIKE: No, it's not that easy. We have something, Buffy. It's not pretty, but it's real, and there's nothing either one of us can do about it. Like it or not, I'm in your life, you can't just shut me out.

***

I Was Made To Love You

BUFFY: Spike! Spike wants me, how obscene is that?

GILES: Well, it is very strange. I can't imagine what he's thinking. Uh, not, not that you're not, uh, attractive...

BUFFY: I feel gross, you know, like, like, dirty.

GILES: That's ridiculous, you can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or, feels.

BUFFY: Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "woof, that's the one for me!"

GILES: Buffy, I think you should perhaps calm down.

XANDER: Me too.

BUFFY: Oh! Puffy Xander, uh, I'm sorry, I got ... guess I got carried away. Are you okay?

XANDER: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.

BUFFY: Do you wanna sit down?

XANDER: I'm not that bendy. I could lean.

GILES: I'll get some ice.

BUFFY: Here. Comfy?

XANDER: Oh, yeah. This leaning? This is the stuff.

BUFFY: That's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple really, you slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell-

XANDER: Buff...

BUFFY: ...and sure, the nice guys, they'll run away, but every now and then you'll meet a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it.

XANDER: Buffy ... Stand me up. The problem is not you. Don't do this to yourself, please.

BUFFY: It's just ... I just wanna know that there's gonna be another good one. One that I won't chase away.

XANDER: There will be. Promise. He's out there, he could come along any minute.

BUFFY: Yeah, and the minute after that I can terrify him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement.

XANDER: What? I don't think you're like that.

BUFFY: Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes, I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?

XANDER: Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in love with you.

BUFFY: Xander, that's ... aw!

XANDER: This is the day you choose to hug me? Buffy?

BUFFY: Mm?

XANDER: You ever think maybe the reason you haven't found a great relationship on the Hellmouth is ... because it's a Hellmouth? Seems to me it's a pretty terrible place to try to build anything.

***

JOYCE: So is anyone gonna talk about my dress?

DAWN: I like it.

JOYCE: You sure? I mean, it's not too mom-ish?

DAWN: Oh. That was why I liked it.

BUFFY: You're both crazy. It's not mom-ish at all. It's sexy. It screams, "Randy sex kitten, buy me one drink and I'll..." Oh, wait, that's not really good either.

JOYCE: Oh god. What time is it?

BUFFY: 4:23. You have lots of time until seven. Vast acres of time in which you could plant crops. Now tell me about this Brian and what his intentions are.

DAWN: Maybe he's a gigolo. Was his shirt all shiny?

JOYCE: No! He works for a publishing house. He's a nice normal guy, okay?

BUFFY: I think I've heard of those.

JOYCE: He came to the gallery ... my first day back, when I was, you know, kinda shaky, starting over. And he asked a question about these antique cameos and I was so lost, because ... Carol had been doing the ordering while I was sick. Well, it turned out that he didn't know anything about them either, so we had a lot to talk about.

DAWN: So what's the plan for tonight?

JOYCE: Dinner and then a movie. Or maybe it was ... a movie and then dinner. Which might be better, because ... you know, then we could talk about the movie. Or maybe a movie isn't a good idea at all, because, well, you know, you can't talk during, and, and then, you know, what's the point of any of it? Oh, and about the restaurant. Do you think ... that it should be one with candles, and romantic music, or is that pushing it? Buffy, what do you think? Should I, you know, try to make things romantic, or ... sorta let him set the pace?

BUFFY: Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I am not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends, and they both left. Really left. Left town left.

JOYCE: Honey, you just had some bad luck.

DAWN: Well, you're going to that spring break party tonight. Maybe you'll find someone there.

BUFFY: Mm-hmm. Or maybe Brian has a son, and Mom and I can go on some unspeakably awkward double dates.

JOYCE: Oh god... Brian. What time is it now?

BUFFY: 4:24.

JOYCE: You sure the dress is okay?

DAWN: Hmm. Spin again. Real fast this time.

***

TARA: Willow's good at all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?

ANYA: Oh. Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, "whoa, I'm eleven hundred years old. I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans."

TARA: I go online sometimes, but ... everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's ... depressing.

ANYA: But you have to try online trading, it's great! The secret is avoiding the tech companies everyone was jumping on, and, and going with the smaller firms that supply the basic components.

TARA: Uh-huh.

ANYA: Anyway, I took the money from working for Giles, and I tripled it.

TARA: Tripled? Like, first money, then money money money?

ANYA: Yes. I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.

***

XANDER: How you doing, having o' the fun?

BUFFY: You know, I am. Dancing with you is way better than trying to hook up with some good-looking guy.

XANDER: I think I liked it better when you were kicking me in my puffy groin.

***

ANYA: She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.

XANDER: Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl.

***

WILLOW: I thought you were getting the crunchies.

ANYA: Xander got hypnotized by the strange girl. I am remaining calm, however.

***

TARA: It's that girl again. Is she still looking for Warren? Weird, it's been like all day.

WILLOW: There's something strange about her. She talks funny.

ANYA: Some men find that appealing.

TARA: I just hope she finds him.

XANDER: Somehow I don't think a girl that looks like that's gonna be lonely for too long.

WILLOW: Definitely not. (To Tara) Oh, not me, I, I was just saying, a pretty girl like that, there's always someone lurking around, looking for some action.

***

SPIKE: Small world. Oh dear. If looks could stake. You having fun, pet? You ... trolling for your next ex? I gotta say, you can do better.

BUFFY: I told you, I wa-

SPIKE: Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.

BUFFY: Get away from me.

BEN: Was that guy bothering you? Should I, um, offer to get inappropriately violent or something?

BUFFY: No.

BEN: Good, 'cause, honestly, I don't wanna.

BUFFY: So, are you ready to dance?

BEN: Um, first...

BUFFY: What's that?

BEN: Uh, yeah, my phone number. I was gonna try to subtly work it into the conversation, but it didn't pan out, and I thought I should try to give it to you before you see me dance. You know, in case you wanna get coffee.

BUFFY: Thank you. Um, I, I just, I-I think you should know that I ... I kind of have this bad history in which, you know, we go get coffee, and, well, it all ends with, with you leaving town, and you just got here and everything...

BEN: Apparently we'd be risking a tragic chain reaction, but ... I just really like ... coffee. I think coffee might be worth it. And I would like to get to know ... coffee better.

BUFFY: Then I'll call you.

***

SPIKE: Bloody hell! You threw me through a window! What's that about?

APRIL: You do not make those suggestions to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend.

SPIKE: You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren.

APRIL: No one but Warren can touch me.

BUFFY: Excuse me. Hi. Um, uh, maybe you and I could talk. You know, 'cause, throwing Spike through a window, well, that's really good... um, but, you know, generally speaking-

APRIL: Do you know my boyfriend?

BUFFY: Okay. I think you need to take a second and stop looking for your boyfriend.

APRIL: I have to find him. If I hurt you just now, I'm sorry. And I hope that your boyfriend will take good care of you.

***

BUFFY: Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.

TARA: Well, at least she didn't do too much damage.

XANDER: Are you kidding? Double-glazed windows ain't cheap. And the jamb needs to be completely repaired. Oh dear god, I'm the grownup who sees the world through my job. I'm like my uncle Dave the plumber. I must be shunned.

WILLOW: Okay.

BUFFY: So, what do you guys think she is? I mean, this may sound nuts, but I kinda got the impression that she was a-

TARA: Robot.

XANDER: Oh yeah, robot.

BUFFY: Yeah, I was gonna say robot. What do you think she wants?

TARA: Warren, whoever that is.

XANDER: It's gotta be the guy that built her.

WILLOW: It's an unusual name. There's hardly any except ... Warren Beatty and, you know, President Harding. It-it's probably not either of them.

BUFFY: Will, can you track down this guy with only a first name?

WILLOW: Given enough time. I can get a list of the Sunnydale students named Warren tonight, but ... then we'll have to call them or go to their dorms, so we probably can't start narrowing it down till tomorrow.

ANYA: She could do a lot of damage by then.

XANDER: To who, Spike? See how vigorously I don't care. She was looking for this Warren, but it didn't sound like she wanted to hurt him. She said he's her boyfriend.

WILLOW: I agree. I'm not sure this is a code red. Hey, is there a code pink? We need more codes.

***

GILES: Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We're going to have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat, and it's not fair on her.

BUFFY: What'd she make you do?

GILES: Um, well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance ... then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.

BUFFY: I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my "fun time Buffy party night" involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window, so if you wanna trade... No ... wait ... I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.

GILES: A robot? Sounds interesting.

BUFFY: We're gonna work on it in the morning. I mean, unless you wanna stay for a while, and then you and I could-

JOYCE: Who wants to hear everything?

BUFFY: ...listen to my mom talk about boys.

GILES: Right, must go. See you tomorrow. Bye Joyce.

JOYCE: Bye Rupert. (To Buffy) Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.

BUFFY: I don't know. I was standing right here. I didn't see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a goodnight kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.

JOYCE: Well, I suppose by your standards it could seem pretty ... Oh dear.

BUFFY: What?

JOYCE: I left my bra in his car.

BUFFY: Mother!

JOYCE: I'm joking.

BUFFY: Good god, that's horrible. Don't do that.

JOYCE: I left it in the restaurant.

BUFFY: No more! No more! No more!

JOYCE: On the dessert cart!

BUFFY: I can't hear you!

***

GILES: And you're certain she was a robot?

BUFFY: Absolutely.

TARA: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass... Just ... tryin' a little spicy talk.

ANYA: She was looking for someone named Warren.

BUFFY: Willow's already checked the Sunnydale enrollment.

WILLOW: And got nothin'. I found one Warren, but he moved out of the country a year ago. I'm checking nearby schools.

XANDER: Whoever he is, he knows his stuff. That girl, well... that was a nice-lookin' girl.

ANYA: It's okay for him to say that, 'cause I know that he really loves me only.

GILES: Is there something the rest of us could be doing?

XANDER: What can we do?

TARA: Oh, do you have any books on robots?

GILES: Oh, yes, dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before - no, I'm lying. I haven't got squat, I just like to see Xander squirm.

XANDER: Funny. Charming and funny.

WILLOW: Hey! I think I found him. A Warren Mears. He went to Sunnydale High with us for a semester, and then he went to the tech college over in Dutton. I've got a local address where his folks still live.

TARA: He's probably home for spring break.

BUFFY: Well, I'll go talk to him.

GILES: No no no no no, wait, we don't know what you're walking into. Uh, we have no idea what his motive is for building this thing.

TARA: Um ... don't you think she's just...

WILLOW: Yeah ... she's just sort of a...

XANDER: She's a sexbot. I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with ... no other thought but to please you ... willing to do anything... Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but... he'd get it.

ANYA: Why would anyone do that if they could have a real live person?

WILLOW: Maybe he couldn't. Find a real person.

BUFFY: Oh, come on. The guy's just a big wedge of sleaze, don't make excuses for him.

WILLOW: I'm not, I'm just saying, people get lonely, and maybe having someone around, even someone you made up ... maybe it's easier.

TARA: But it's so weird. I mean, everyone wants a nice normal person to share with, but this guy, if he couldn't find that, I guess it's ... kinda sad.

***

SPIKE: Hello, all. What's going on then?

GILES: Spike, you're not welcome here.

WILLOW: Yeah, and by the way, we're working on a way to de-invite you from here. Even if it is a public place.

XANDER: Nah, forget it. Letting him in is good, 'cause then we get to toss him out.

ANYA: Ooh, can we throw him out the window like the robot did? 'Cause that was neat.

SPIKE: Robot? That's what she was? Knew something wasn't right. Hey. Someone's glad to see me, aren't you, little bit?

DAWN: Stay away from me.

TARA: I think you better go.

SPIKE: Okay, now, I was afraid of this. Misrepresentations, misunderstandings, slurs and allegations. I don't know what Buffy told you, but the thing is, the Slayer and I worked together, side by side, to get rid of Dru. Who was up to no good. And I don't mind telling you-

GILES: Spike ... listen to me.

SPIKE: It's just ... I'm trying to explain. She might have said some things that sounded like I expressed some kind of feeling-

GILES: We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy. Clear out of here. And Spike, this thing ... get over it.

SPIKE: I don't know what you mean.

GILES: Yes, you do. Move the hell on.

***

BUFFY: So you have girl troubles. They're not talking to you, you're not gettin' dates ... you start thinking, "hey, this isn't fair."

WARREN: Yeah, I mean, I felt like I deserved to have someone. You know, I mean, everyone deserves to have someone.

BUFFY: So naturally you turned to manufacturing.

WARREN: Kinda.

BUFFY: And how long did it take to build yourself that little toy?

WARREN: Oh, no, she's not a toy. I mean, I know what you're thinking, but she's more than that.

BUFFY: I'm sure she has many exciting labor-saving attachments.

WARREN: No, I made her to love me. I mean, she cares about what I care about, and she wants to be with me. She listens to me and supports me. I didn't make a toy. I made a girlfriend.

BUFFY: A girlfriend. Are you saying ... are you in love with her?

WARREN: I really thought I would be. I mean, she's perfect. I don't know, I ... I guess it was too easy. And predictable. You know, she got boring. She was exactly what I wanted, and I didn't want her. I thought I was going crazy.

BUFFY: Really? You?

WARREN: Then something happened. Katrina was in my engineering seminar, and she was really funny and cool. You know, she was always givin' me a hard time, real ... unpredictable. She builds these little model monorails that run with magnets, and ... Anyway. I fell in love with Katrina.

BUFFY: Swell. Romance and magnetic trains. But first you decided to take April out of the box... play with her for five minutes, and then what? You got bored, decided to dump her, tell her to go away?

WARREN: Kinda.

BUFFY: And she got mad. She didn't go, huh?

WARREN: Okay, I didn't really dump her, as much as I, uh, went out, and, uh, didn't come back. I left her, I ... left her in my dorm room.

BUFFY: You left her in your dorm room?!

WARREN: Well, I figured I could just kinda get away until her batteries gave out. Which should have been days ago.

BUFFY: Did you even tell her? I mean, did you even give her a chance to fix what was wrong?

WARREN: I didn't need to fix anything. I mean, her batteries were supposed to run down. Really, they should be completely dead by now.

BUFFY: So why aren't they?

WARREN: I don't, I don't know. I mean, maybe ... uh, she must be recharging them somehow.

BUFFY: Warren, this is important. Is she dangerous?

WARREN: She's only programmed to be in love.

BUFFY: Then she's dangerous.

***

BUFFY: Can you cry? Sometimes I feel better when I cry. But ... there might be rust issues.

APRIL: Crying is blackmail. Good girlfriends don't cry.

BUFFY: Oh.

APRIL: I rechecked everything. I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a good girlfriend.

BUFFY: I'm sure you were.

APRIL: I'm only supposed to love him. If I can't do that, what am I for? What do I exist for?

BUFFY: I don't know. It isn't fair. He wasn't fair to you.

APRIL: It's getting dark. It's so early to be dark.

BUFFY: Yeah.

APRIL: What if he comes back and he can't find me in the dark?

BUFFY: I'm here. I'll make sure that he finds you.

APRIL: Maybe this is a girlfriend test. If I wait here patiently this time, he'll come back.

BUFFY: I'm sure he will. And he'll ... he'll tell you how sorry he is. You know, he told me ... how proud he was of you and ... how impressed he was with how much you loved him and how you tried to help him. He didn't mean to hurt you.

APRIL: He's going to take me home, and things will be right again.

BUFFY: It'll be fine.

APRIL: When things are sad ... you just have to be patient. Because ... because every ... cloud has a silver lining. And ... when life ... gives you lemons ... make ... lemonade.

BUFFY: Clouds and lemonade, huh?

APRIL: Yes. And ... and ... things are ... always ... darkest ... before....

***

BUFFY: She devoted everything to making this one person happy. And then it was like, with him gone, there was just ... no reason for her to exist any more.

XANDER: Robots are the strangest people.

BUFFY: No ... people are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's like ... I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.

XANDER: Well, I'll say this, she's a pretty cool person to be alone with.

BUFFY: Thank you.

BUFFY: Hi, it's Buffy. Um, I hope this is your machine, there, there wasn't a message. Anyway, um, about coffee. I, um ... I just ... I don't think this is the best time for me to be ... drinking... coffee. Um, I'm sorry. And, um, bye.

GLORY: What the hell?

JINX: If I may, your inconceivableness, it sounds to these humble ears like our Ben tried to make a date with the Slayer.

GLORY: A date with the Slayer? No. No. No, no, no. He is planning something, he's working against me. She turned us down?

***

WARREN: How, how'd you get in here?

SPIKE: Your mum let me in. I'm placing an order.

WARREN: Oh, no, no, I'm not making any more girls.

SPIKE: Sure you are. Here's your specs. You're gonna make her real good for me.

***

The Body

BUFFY: Hey. Flower-gettin' lady. Want me to pick Dawn up from school? Mom? What are you doing? Mom? Mom? Mommy?

***

JOYCE: I think we're just about ready for pie.

XANDER: Then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.

BUFFY: Xander!

XANDER: No, no, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good, and too much goodness...

JOYCE: I'm taking it as a compliment.

GILES: Yes, uh, everything was delicious.

ANYA: Yes, I'm going to barf too.

JOYCE: Everyone's so sweet.

XANDER: How you doing there, Will, are you in the vomit club too?

WILLOW: I had too much nog.

TARA: Oh, baby, want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I ... stop explaining things.

DAWN: My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.

WILLOW: That's bad.

XANDER: Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty booze hound.

WILLOW: Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.

TARA: Oh, did you write him a letter?

XANDER: What'd you ask for?

DAWN: Um, guys, hello, puberty? Sorta figured out the whole no Santa thing.

ANYA: That's a myth.

DAWN: Yeah.

ANYA: No, I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.

XANDER: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.

TARA: There's a Santa Claus?

ANYA: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. He wasn't always called Santa, but you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true.

DAWN: All true?

ANYA: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disemboweled children, but otherwise...

TARA: The reindeer part was nice.

***

JOYCE: Damn it! I hate this oven. It burnt.

BUFFY: Oh, no, it's just blackened, you know, it's, it's Cajun pie.

GILES: (to Joyce) Shall I open another?

JOYCE: Oh, do you think we dare?

BUFFY: As long as you two stay away from the band candy, I'm cool with anything.

JOYCE: You are a demon child.

BUFFY: I live to torment you, is that so wrong?

JOYCE: A daughter's duty, I suppose.

***

BUFFY: I, are you there? I, I broke something.

911 OPERATOR: Hello?

BUFFY: It cracked.

911 OPERATOR: Is she breathing?

BUFFY: No.

911 OPERATOR: Paramedics should be there in a moment. You might have cracked a rib. It's not important.

BUFFY: She's cold.

911 OPERATOR: The body's cold?

BUFFY: No, my mom! Sh-should I make her warm?

911 OPERATOR: No ... if she's not responding to CPR, the best thing is to wait for the paramedics, okay?

BUFFY: When will they be here?

911 OPERATOR: They're very nearby.

BUFFY: I have to make a call.

GILES: Hello?

BUFFY: Giles. You have to come.

GILES: Buffy?

BUFFY: She's at the house.

***

PARAMEDIC 2: How long's she been like this?

BUFFY: I found her, a-a few, few minutes.

PARAMEDIC 2: Was she conscious?

BUFFY: No.

PARAMEDIC 1: I'm bagging her.

BUFFY: What?

PARAMEDIC 2: We're gonna intubate. Just trying to get her to breathe, all right?

PARAMEDIC 2: This your mother?

BUFFY: Yes.

PARAMEDIC 2: She have any serious physical health problems, any history of heart disease?

BUFFY: No. I mean, there, there was a tumor, a brain tumor, but she had an operation and she's fine now. She, she's been fine.

***

PARAMEDIC 2: She's cold, man. Call it. (To Buffy) I'm sorry.

BUFFY: Wha-what do we do now?

PARAMEDIC 2: I'm sorry, but I have to tell you that... your mother's dead. It looks like she did die a good while before you found her. There's .. nothing you could have done.

BUFFY: W-what...

PARAMEDIC 2: I'm guessing it must have been a aneurysm or some clotting. Some complication from surgery. She probably felt... very little pain. I'm gonna call it in. The coroner's office will come by and take her in, and they'll determine the cause of death conclusively.

***

GILES: Buffy! What is it? Is it Glory?

BUFFY: I'm waiting. The, the coroner's coming.

GILES: What?

BUFFY: I have to tell Dawn. She's at school. I'll go there.

GILES: I'm not sure... Oh god.

BUFFY: No. No. Don't. No, it's too late.

GILES: Joyce?

BUFFY: They're, they're coming for her, no, no, we're-

GILES: Joyce!

BUFFY: We're not supposed to move the body!

***

BUFFY: I have to talk to you.

DAWN: Um...

BUFFY: What?

DAWN: Can it wait? I'm in the middle of a class.

BUFFY: I know. Please come with me.

DAWN: I thought Mom was picking me up. What's going on? Something's going on.

BUFFY: Let's go outside.

DAWN: No. Tell me what's going on.

BUFFY: It's ... bad ... news.

DAWN: Well, what is it? What happened?

BUFFY: It's bad. Please, can we-

DAWN: Where's Mom?

BUFFY: Mom ... had an accident. Or, um... something went ... wrong from the tumor.

DAWN: Is she okay? Is she ... but she's okay? But ... it's, it's serious, but...

BUFFY: Dawn...

DAWN: No. No, it's not true. No, you're a liar, she's fine!

***

WILLOW: What do you think? The, the, the purple, right? 'Cause, 'cause it's somber? No. No, it's too depressing, i-it's like, um, a ... funeral guy, I ... Well, this is, this is cheerier, maybe, I-I wanna be cheery, like, like everything is normal? No, that's rude, that's, that's disrespectful. "La la la! I don't care!" If I had that blue one - Jo-Joyce really liked the blue one. She told me one time. You, you sure it's not in your room?

TARA: I-I-I could look again.

WILLOW: No, no, I-I, I should, I should wear the purple The purple, I, I, I think the purple, it's just that it's so, I don't know, i-it doesn't mean something bad?

TARA: I think it's, um ... royal. Purple means ... royalty.

WILLOW: Well, I can't see Buffy at the morgue and be all royal! "Oh, I'm the king of everything, I'm better than you!" I have to be supportive, I, Buffy needs me to be supportive, I... God, why do all my shirts have such stupid things on them? Why can't I just dress like a grownup? Can't I be a grownup?

TARA: Shh. Shh, darling.

WILLOW: I can't do this.

***

XANDER: Are they sure this was ... natural? I mean, Glory.

TARA: Uh, Giles was pretty sure that it wasn't, wasn't her.

XANDER: But, I mean, she said she was gonna come after Buffy's family.

TARA: I don't-

XANDER: I mean, we should be going after her. I mean, she coulda done it, and, and, covered her tracks.

WILLOW: Why would she? She'd want us to know.

XANDER: I'll tell you what it is. It's the frickin' doctors. I mean, they just let her out, you know? Clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull. Here's a band-aid. Next!

WILLOW: Xander...

XANDER: They should have checked her over, they should have had her in. Well, don't we have enough monsters in this town, the doctors gotta help 'em out?

WILLOW: Xander, I-I don't think it was ... any ... it just happened.

XANDER: Things don't happen! I mean ... they don't *just* happen. Somebody... I mean, somebody's got...

WILLOW: Okay. Let's go. Come on, you and me. Come on.

XANDER: You know I can't take you.

WILLOW: Damn straight.

***

ANYA: Are they gonna cut the body open?

WILLOW: Oh my god! Would you just ... stop talking? Just ... shut your mouth. Please.

ANYA: What am I doing?

WILLOW: How can you act like that?

ANYA: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? Is that the helpful thing to do?

XANDER: Guys...

WILLOW: The way you behave-

ANYA: Nobody will tell me.

WILLOW: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!

ANYA: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

***

WILLOW: Where did your hand go?

XANDER: As I was saying, some frustration, and now, uh ... I appear to be stuck.

ANYA: My god. Is your hand okay?

XANDER: Pretty much. I, I'm really sorry.

ANYA: You could have hit an electrical... thing!

XANDER: And once again with the sorry.

WILLOW: Did it make you feel better?

XANDER: For a second there.

WILLOW: A whole second?

XANDER: In my defense, some crappy wallmanship.

WILLOW: Yeah, you can hear everything next door.

XANDER: Who did the drywall in this place?

WILLOW: I always forget to ask.

TARA: Did I miss something?

ANYA: Xander decided that he blames the wall.

***

XANDER: The avengers gotta get to the assembly. We'll go. We'll deal. We'll help. That's what we do. We help Buffy.

***

DR. KRIEGEL: The on-site report seems more or less accurate. Your mother did have what looks like an aneurysm. A sudden hemorrhaging from a ruptured arterial vessel near the, uh ... where the tumor was removed.

BUFFY: Shouldn't we have known about that, that ... was a danger?

DR. KRIEGEL: Sometimes these things are detectable, and sometimes they're not. Joyce was aware of the possibility of a rupture, and the effects. She didn't even get on the phone, so clearly this was very sudden. She, uh, may have felt a little nausea, and probably passed out as it happened. I doubt there was much pain, and ... even if someone had been by her side...

Flash:

JOYCE: My head...

BUFFY: Mom?

DR. KRIEGEL: ...it's doubtful that this could have been dealt with in time.

***

BUFFY: I don't think we're gonna have to be here very long.

DAWN: What about...

BUFFY: What about what?

DAWN: Nothing. I have to pee.

BUFFY: Do you want someone to go with you?

DAWN: No. I still remember how to pee.

BUFFY: Do you know where it is?

DAWN: Yeah.

BUFFY: I think maybe she's ... mad at me or something.

WILLOW: 'Cause you were the one that told her?

XANDER: How'd she take it?

BUFFY: Meltdown. She just wouldn't believe me. I still don't think she does.

ANYA: I wish that Joyce didn't die... because she was nice. And now we all hurt.

XANDER: Anya, ever the wordsmith.

BUFFY: (to Anya) Thank you.

***

BUFFY: I'm sorry ... you have to go through all of this.

TARA: You don't have to worry about me.

BUFFY: Everybody wants to help. I don't even know if I'm ... here. I don't know what's going on. Never done this. That's just an amazingly dumb thing to say. Obviously ... I've never done this before.

TARA: I have. My mother died when I was seventeen.

BUFFY: I didn't know. I'm sorry.

TARA: No, no, I didn't mean to ... I'm only telling you this because ... I know it's not m-my place, but ... There's things ... thoughts and reactions I had that ... I couldn't ... understand ... or even try to explain to anyone else. Thoughts that ... made me feel like I was losing it ... or, like I was some kind of ho-horrible person. I know it's different for you ... because it's always different, but ... if you ever need....

BUFFY: Was it sudden?

TARA: What?

BUFFY: Your mother.

TARA: No. And yes. It's always sudden.

***

DAWN: Is she cold?

BUFFY: It's not her ... it's not her ... she's gone.

DAWN: Where'd she go?

***

Forever

BUFFY: Uh, what about an announcement? People are gonna be expecting a wake after the burial unless we say something.

GILES: Um, well, we could put a, a line in the program expressing your mother's preference not to have one.

WILLOW: There's no wake?

BUFFY: Mom didn't like them. She said that potlucks are depressing enough as it is.

DAWN: She said that? When?

BUFFY: Uh, right before she went in for the operation. We had a talk about what she wanted ... in case.

DAWN: She never said anything to me.

XANDER: I'm sure she just didn't wanna upset you, Dawnster.

***

XANDER: You have got to be kidding.

SPIKE: I'm not going in.

XANDER: And you're not leaving those. You actually think you're gonna score points with Buffy this way?

SPIKE: This isn't about Buffy.

XANDER: Bull. We're all hip to your doomed obsession.

SPIKE: They're for Joyce.

XANDER: Like you care about her.

WILLOW: Guys, guys, not here.

SPIKE: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand.

XANDER: And she's the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.

SPIKE: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. She always had a nice cuppa for me. And she never treated me like a freak.

XANDER: Her mistake.

SPIKE: Think what you want.

XANDER: Un ... believable. The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey.

WILLOW: Xander... He didn't leave a card.

***

MINISTER: We commend to almighty God... our sister, Joyce Summers... and we commit her body to the ground. Earth to earth...ashes to ashes... and dust to dust. The Lord bless her and keep her. The Lord makes his face to shine upon her and be gracious to her. The Lord lift up his countenance upon her... and give her peace.

***

ANGEL: I'm sorry. I couldn't come sooner.

***

WILLOW: Oh, Dawn. I wish I could ... help more. The only thing is ... it'll get better. I promise.

DAWN: You don't know that.

TARA: Sure she does. We're witches. We know stuff.

DAWN: What? Life goes on, and I forget Mom? Is that what you're saying?

WILLOW: Not forget, no! I, you...

TARA: You make a place for her in your heart. It's sort of like she becomes a part of you. Does that make sense?

WILLOW: Dawn ... hey, we don't have to talk about this now, uh, you could just go to sleep.

DAWN: No. I don't wanna sleep.

TARA: Okay, we can just ... sit, or, or whatever you want.

DAWN: Good. 'Cause I know ... what I wanna do now.

WILLOW: Great. What are you up for?

DAWN: You guys are witches ... and you do ... magic and ... stuff.

WILLOW: You want us to teach you something? Uh, like a-a glamour, or, or, I could ... make a stuffed animal dance.

DAWN: I wanna do a spell. I wanna bring Mom back.

***

ANYA: Mm. That was different.

XANDER: Yeah. It was more ... intense.

ANYA: It's because of Joyce.

XANDER: Right. Huh?

ANYA: Well, she got me thinking ... about ... how people die all the time, and ... how they get born too, and how you kind of need one so you can have the other. When I think about it that way, it ... makes death a little less sad, and ... sex a little more exciting.

XANDER: Again I say, huh?

ANYA: Well, I just think I understand sex more now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about *making* life.

XANDER: Right, when ... two people are much older, and ... way richer, and far less stupid.

ANYA: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you, but I could. *We* could. Life could come out of our love and our smooshing, and that's beautiful. It all makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow. You know?

XANDER: Yeah, I do.

***

TARA: Of course you wanna bring your mother back, and ... I wish we could, but it's not possible.

DAWN: Why? You guys do magic for all kinds of things.

WILLOW: We do, but...

TARA: This is different. Magic can't be used to alter the natural order of things.

DAWN: But all you do is mess with the natural order of things. You, you make things float, a-and disappear, and-

TARA: But we don't mess with life and death. Dawn, I know how bad you hurt.

DAWN: You don't. They put her in the ground.

TARA: They did, and it's awful and unfair, but this isn't the way.

WILLOW: I'm not even sure it's possible, Dawn. I mean, I've ... seen things on resurrection, but ... there's books and stuff ... but I guess ... the spells ... backfire?

TARA: That's not the point.

WILLOW: That's not the point. The, the point is it's bad ... because ...

TARA: Because witches can't be allowed to alter the fabric of life for selfish reasons. Wiccans took an oath a long time ago to honor that.

DAWN: So it's possible ... to bring someone back? They wouldn't have taken an oath if thy didn't know they could do it.

TARA: Maybe they could, but we can't.

***

BUFFY: The funeral was ... it was brutal, but it's tomorrow that I'm worried about.

ANGEL: What's tomorrow?

BUFFY: That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now, I ... I've had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with Mom.

ANGEL: Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes.

BUFFY: And everybody expects me to know how to do it, because ... I'm so strong.

ANGEL: You just need some time. I'm sure everybody understands that.

BUFFY: Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires ... but Mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better ... just what to say.

ANGEL: Yeah ... you'll find your way. I mean, not all at once, but...

BUFFY: I don't know. I keep thinking about it ... when I found her. If I had just gotten there ten minutes earlier...

ANGEL: You said they told you it wouldn't have made a difference.

BUFFY: They said ... "probably" ... wouldn't have made a difference. The exact thing they said ... was "probably." I haven't told that to anyone.

ANGEL: Doesn't make it your fault. You couldn't have done anything different.

BUFFY: I didn't even start CPR until they told me. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grownup.

ANGEL: Buffy...

BUFFY: And it'd be okay if it was just me I had to worry about. But Dawn...

ANGEL: Look, it's okay. I know you don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy. You're gonna figure this out. And you have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone.

BUFFY: It's gonna be light soon.

ANGEL: I can stay in town as long as you want me.

BUFFY: How's forever? Does forever work for you? That's a bad idea. I'm seriously needy right now.

ANGEL: Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it.

BUFFY: I told you. You better go.

ANGEL: I'm sorry.

BUFFY: No. I'm so grateful that you came, Angel. I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it through the night.

ANGEL: Well, we still have a few more minutes until I have to go.

BUFFY: Good... Good.

***

JINX: Time ... is running short, sir. Every moment you fight Glory, you're only fighting yourself, you see?

BEN: Fine. Let the best me win. Let Glory understand this: I won't help her find the key. I would never do that to an innocent-

JINX: An innocent? The key? That's an interesting choice of words.

BEN: No, that, that's not what I-

JINX: I understand, sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you, I'll ... take my leave.

BEN: You understand what? When I said it's innocent, I didn't mean that the key is ... it's not a person.

JINX: Of course not.

BEN: You're gonna run and tell her, aren't you? Do you understand what's going to happen if she finds the key? How many people are going to die?

JINX: Please, I heard nothing.

BEN: I can't let that happen. Don't you see? I can't.

***

GILES: You don't have to do that, Dawn, just, just relax.

ANYA: Yes, sit down. We have some very amusing chicken feet you can play with.

DAWN: That's okay.

ANYA: Don't you watch television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.

DAWN: Um, I like being useful. It keeps my mind off things.

GILES: Then useful you shall be. I can always use a hand.

ANYA: But you have a hand. A paid hand. A hand that isn't the hand of illegal child labor.

GILES: Anya.

ANYA: But of course, it's wonderful that you find doing my job so distracting. I am unthreatened. Proceed.

GILES: Yes, uh, carry on, Dawn.

***

GILES: Oh, um, well, if you like, uh, I could teach you how to ... work the cash register, you can ring up sales.

DAWN: Cool.

ANYA: Ring up sales? With the money? She gets to fondle the money?

***

SPIKE: I hope it's just dirt you're after. If the spell calls for anything more than that, you're into zombie territory, and that's bad news.

DAWN: Spike, I-I wasn't...

SPIKE: I know good and well what you're up to. That book you've got is infamous.

DAWN: Please ... don't tell Buffy. I just ... I have to get her back. I have to.

SPIKE: I'm not gonna tell, little bit. I'm gonna help.

***

SPIKE: Come on now, no worries.

DAWN: You don't have to be all nice to me. I know why you're doing this.

SPIKE: Do you now? Enlighten me.

DAWN: Spike, I'm not stupid. You're, like, stalking my sister. You'd do anything to get in good with her.

SPIKE: Buffy never hears about this, okay? Found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest.

DAWN: Then, if you don't want credit, why are you helping me?

SPIKE: I just don't like to see Summers women take it so hard on the chin, is all. And I'm dead serious. You breathe a word of this to Buffy, I'll see to it that *you* end up in the ground. Got it?

DAWN: Yeah. Got it.

***

GLORY: Oh, no, no! Oh, mind the rug, honeys, blood's a bitch. Was this the Slayer? I'll pull her wings off!

JINX: No. It was Ben.

GLORY: Ben? Ben? Oh god, you pointless, stupid lout! Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate youuuuu!

JINX: The key! He told me.

GLORY: The key? What about the key?

JINX: He indicated that it was a person, most ... highest ... you.

GLORY: The key's in human form?

JINX: I believe so ... good one.

GLORY: Ahh! Jinx, you robed stud, you're my man! I'm even gonna let you slide on the lame toadying on account of your dying and stuff. So, the key's all secreted away in a flesh wrapper! This narrows the search from now on in a serious way, I mean we didn't have a clue. It could have been a log, or, or a bicycle pump, or whatever, am I right? Uch, get him fixed, would ya? I wanna hear the whole story again, without all that annoying moaning.

***

DAWN: I've gathered some ingredients. But the spell I found ... there's things on it I don't understand.

DOC: We've got the ghora demon standing between you and success, that's the translation you were missing.

SPIKE: Ghora, I've heard of those. They local?

DOC: Yeah, they like to stick close to the hellmouth. Egg of the ghora gives life. It's key to the spell.

DAWN: Can you buy it, this ... egg, or-

DOC: If it was as easy as making an omelet, everyone would try it. No. You have to steal the egg from the nest of the demon. And the ghora won't be happy about it.

SPIKE: Where do we find this demon?

DOC: First things first. We'll need an image of your mother. A photo, a painting.

DAWN: No problem.

DOC: Once you get all the ingredients together, put them in the center of a sacred circle. With the photo of your mother. Then... say this incantation... three times. She won't appear, you know, poof. It'll take ... a while, but she will come to you. Got it?

DAWN: Got it.

DOC: Oh. Anything goes wrong, the only way to reverse the spell ... is to destroy the image of your mother, understand?

DAWN: I'll do it right.

DOC: It's a tricky spell, girl. I can't say for sure your mother will come back exactly like she was. Sometimes these ... things ... get a little off.

DAWN: But she'll still be my mother. Won't she?

DOC: More or less.

***

DAWN: It's here. Just like he said.

SPIKE: Well, at least we know the old coot isn't completely daft. Look, you better let me snatch this egg thing on my own.

DAWN: No way. I'm going.

SPIKE: No ... you are not. I've got no idea what's down there.

DAWN: You need me, Spike. Somebody's gotta get the egg while you distract the ghora. Now come on.

SPIKE: Well, what do you know. Bitty Buffy.

***

DAWN: Osiris... giver of darkness... Taker of life ... god of gods... accept my offering. Bone, flesh, breath ... Yours ... eternally. Bone... Flesh, breath... I beg of you... return to me.

***

WILLOW: What did I have for breakfast this morning? Do you remember?

TARA: Hmm?

WILLOW: I-I wanna say bagel, but I think that was yesterday. You had two eggs sunny-side-up. I remember 'cause they were wiggling at me like little boobs.

TARA: Sassy eggs. What are you writing this for?

WILLOW: My journal.

TARA: That's new.

WILLOW: Yeah. I-I figured, life goes by so fast, if you don't write stuff down it just gets ... lost. And I wanna remember.

TARA: Down to every last bagel.

WILLOW: Down to every last everything I do with you.

TARA: Huh.

WILLOW: What?

TARA: What happened to History of Witchcraft?

WILLOW: I, uh, i-it isn't there?

TARA: Dawn must have taken it.

WILLOW: No she didn't! Did she?

TARA: This is bad, this is really bad.

WILLOW: But, i-it's just a history book. I-it might answer some of her questions. I-I don't think she could do any ... harm with that stuff, could she?

TARA: Well, it's not a how-to guide, but it refers to specific resurrection spells and potions.

WILLOW: But I-I didn't ... I mean ... hey! How'd she know that?

TARA: I-I don't know, but ... god, what else did she take?

WILLOW: Nothing! I-I think. I think n... she took nothing else. But maybe she did, and we should probably look. Because who knows? I-I don't.

TARA: No, no, we can't waste time on that now. We don't know what she's up to.

WILLOW: We have to call Buffy. Now.

***

DAWN: Bone ... flesh ... breath ... yours eternally. Bone, flesh, breath, I beg of you, return to me.

BUFFY: Dawn. What have you done? What have you done?

DAWN: She's coming. She's coming home.

BUFFY: Dawn! Dawn! You have no idea what you're messing with. Who knows what you actually raised, what's gonna come through that door!

DAWN: No, I-I know. It'll be her.

BUFFY: No. Now, Tara told me that these spells go bad all the time. People come back ... wrong.

DAWN: Not Mom. He told me her DNA-

BUFFY: Who told you? Who helped you?

DAWN: Nobody, let me go.

BUFFY: You have to stop it. Reverse it.

DAWN: No!

BUFFY: Dawn, you know this is wrong. You know you can't let this happen. Not to Mom.

DAWN: But I need her. I don't care if she... I'm not like you, Buffy. I don't have anybody.

BUFFY: What?! Of course you do. You have me!

DAWN: No, I don't. You won't even look at me. It's so obvious you don't want me around.

BUFFY: That's not true.

DAWN: Yes it is. Mom ... died, and it's like you don't even care.

BUFFY: Of course I care. How can you even think that?

DAWN: How can I not? You haven't even cried. You've just been running around like it's been some big chore or something. Cleaning up after Mom's mess.

BUFFY: Dawn ... I've been ... working. I've been busy, because I have to-

DAWN: No! You've been avoiding me.

BUFFY: I'm not! ... I have to do these things, 'cause ... 'cause when I stop, then she's really gone. And I'm trying. Dawn, I am, I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Mom always knew.

DAWN: Nobody's asking you to be Mom.

BUFFY: Well, who's gonna be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you even thought about that? Who's gonna make things better? Who's gonna take care of us?

DAWN: Buffy...

BUFFY: I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me. Oh god, Dawnie...

***

Intervention

BUFFY: Dawn, if there are any plates in your room, let's have them before they get furry and we have to name them.

DAWN: Hey, I was like five then.

***

BUFFY: Training. Slaying. All of it. It's just ... I mean ... I can beat up the demons until the cows come home. And then I can beat up the cows ... but I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me.

GILES: But you've mastered so much. I mean, your strength and resilience alone-

BUFFY: Yeah. Strength, resilience ... those are all words for hardness. I'm starting to feel like ... being the Slayer is turning me into stone.

GILES: Turning you into stone? Buffy-

BUFFY: Just ... think about it. I was never there for Riley, not like I was for Angel. I was terrible to Dawn.

GILES: At a time like this-

BUFFY: No.

GILES: You're bound to feel emotionally numb.

BUFFY: Before that. Riley left because I was shut down. He's gone. And now my mom is gone ... and I loved her more than anything ... and ... I don't know if she knew.

GILES: Oh, she knew. Always.

BUFFY: I don't know. To slay, to kill ... i-it means being hard on the inside. Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all. I already feel like I can hardly say the words.

GILES: Buffy...

BUFFY: Giles ... I love you. Love ... love, love, love, love, Giles, it feels strange.

GILES: Well, I shouldn't wonder. How serious are you about this?

BUFFY: Ten. I'm serious to the amount of ten.

GILES: There is something ... in the Watchers' diaries ... a quest.

BUFFY: A quest? Like finding a grail or something?

GILES: Not a grail. Maybe answers. It would take a day, perhaps two.

BUFFY: I'm not leaving Dawn. Not with Glory looking for her.

DAWN: Sure you can. What's the deal?

GILES: Some Slayers before Buffy found it helpful in ... regaining their focus, learning more about their role. There's a sacred place in the desert. It's, it's not far.

BUFFY: But I can't go. I'm not leaving you, Dawn.

DAWN: If you have to go learn ... I mean, if it'll help you out ... I think you should do it. I can hang with the gang. I'll be okay.

BUFFY: I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?

DAWN: Yeah. I love you too.

BUFFY: I love you ... *really* love you.

DAWN: Gettin' weird.

BUFFY: Sorry. But it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love.

***

SPIKE: Some say it's better'n the real thing.

WARREN: Better than the real thing.

SPIKE: She looks good, but what about the rest? A little walk, a little talk... perhaps a zippy cartwheel...

WARREN: Hey, she's, uh, great. You'll be real happy, I swear, she's got everything you asked for. All the extra programming, tons of real-world knowledge, the profiles you gave me about her family and friends.

SPIKE: *All* the extra programming, right?

WARREN: Ah, the, the stuff that you wanted, the, uh, scenario responses, you know, the, uh, uh, special ... skills ... All of it. Now, you said that I could leave-

SPIKE: Wait. I'm not sure I'm a satisfied customer. She looks a little shiny to me, you know, uh... touch of plasticine...

BUFFYBOT: Spike? Oh, Spike!

SPIKE: She'll do.

***

BUFFY: So, how's it start?

GILES: I, uh, jump out of the circle and then jump back in it, and then, um ... I shake my gourd.

BUFFY: I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.

GILES: Go quest.

BUFFY: And that's what it's all about.

***

SPIKE: Is that your best, Slayer?

BUFFYBOT: No.

SPIKE: Why not?

BUFFYBOT: I, I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.

SPIKE: Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go.

BUFFYBOT: No! No, Spike. Never let me go.

SPIKE: You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad.

BUFFYBOT: You are. You're very, very bad.

SPIKE: Are you gonna do it that way?

BUFFYBOT: No. This way.

SPIKE: You can't do it.

BUFFYBOT: I could never do it. I'm helpless against you, you fiend.

***

ANYA: I don't see why we have to patrol just 'cause Buffy's away. I'd rather stay home and watch television.

TARA: Oh yeah, Willow wants to watch this thing on the history channel tonight, Salem Witch Trial stuff, which is only gonna get her all upset.

ANYA: Oh, I was there, it really wasn't that bad. See, if you were really a witch, you could do a spell to escape. ...so really it was only bad for the falsely accused, and, well, they never have a good time.

***

BUFFYBOT: You're evil.

SPIKE: And that excites you?

BUFFYBOT: It excites me, it terrifies me ... I try so hard to resist you and I can't.

SPIKE: Yeah?

BUFFYBOT: Darn your sinister attraction.

SPIKE: Are you afraid of me?

BUFFYBOT: Yes.

SPIKE: You know I can't bite you.

BUFFYBOT: I think you can. I think you can if I let you, and I want to let you. I want you to bite me and devour me until there's no more.

SPIKE: Like this?

BUFFYBOT: Oh, Spike, devour me!

SPIKE: All right.

BUFFYBOT: Spike, I can't help myself. I love you. S

PIKE: You're mine, Buffy.

BUFFYBOT: Should I start this program over?

SPIKE: Shh! No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy.

***

BUFFYBOT: Xander... and Anya. How is your money?

ANYA: Fine. Thank you for asking.

BUFFYBOT: Isn't it a beautiful night for killing evil things?

XANDER: I guess.

ANYA: You're back very early.

XANDER: Yeah, how was the whole vision-quest experience?

BUFFYBOT: I don't understand that question. But thank you for asking. You're my friend, and a carpenter.

XANDER: Are you all right? You're all...

SPIKE: Hey! Wait up!

BUFFYBOT: Spike! It's Spike. And he's wearing a coat.

SPIKE: Yes. Uh ... hello all. Uh, Buffy's back early, I see. Lots of patrolling all around tonight, then, is it? Ow! Hey. Give a fella a break there, Slayer. Uh, I'm glad you're all here, uh, 'cause, uh, 'cause ... the place is crawling with vamps tonight. Uh, tons of 'em. I, uh, think we oughta split up.

XANDER: We haven't seen any vamps, are you sure there's...

ANYA: You're right.

SPIKE: Yep, guess so.

***

SPIKE: I think that was probably the big action for the night. You two can toddle on home if you want.

XANDER: Uh ... Buffy?

BUFFYBOT: Yes. Spike and I will do it alone. You guys head home.

BUFFYBOT: Hmm. I don't understand this. I-I did the slaying. I should be...

SPIKE: Satisfied?

BUFFYBOT: But I'm not. I-I'm all ... my skin is all hot. Do I look hot to you?

SPIKE: Always.

BUFFYBOT: You better feel me to make sure.

SPIKE: I can do that.

***

ANYA: I breathed in like a quart of vampire dust. That can't be good.

XANDER: I wish Giles told us they were back from the desert. I wish I knew what went on there.

ANYA: Oh, you know, Slayer-Watcher stuff. Probably some silly ritual with an enchanted prairie dog or something.

XANDER: Whatever it was, I think she's still a little spacy.

ANYA: She fought okay.

XANDER: Yeah. Hey, she never asked about Dawn.

ANYA: That's true.

XANDER: Something's wrong. ...I hear something.

BUFFYBOT: Oh Spike. You're the big bad. You're the BIG bad!

***

XANDER: Buffy's gone insane.

WILLOW: What? What'd she do?

XANDER: Brace yourself. You're not gonna believe it.

TARA: Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I-I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.

ANYA: Buffy's boinking Spike.

WILLOW: Oh ... well, Ta-Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge-

TARA: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!

WILLOW: Well, it's not healthy, we're all agreeing there.

TARA: What can we do?

ANYA: Sometimes in the movies when they go crazy they slap 'em.

XANDER: I'm gonna go find her and talk to her. If she's losing it, we gotta help her before she gets herself hurt.

TARA: You aren't really gonna slap her, are you?

XANDER: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again, I will definitely knock myself unconscious.

***

SPIKE: Oh, it's you.

XANDER: I saw you ... in the cemetery with Buffy.

SPIKE: Yeah? Can't see how it's any business of yours.

XANDER: It is my business because Buffy's my friend .. and she's gone through some stuff lately that ... well, it's affected her, and you're taking advantage of her.

SPIKE: She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well, I'm not gonna deny it to her. I'm not a monster.

XANDER: Yes. You are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them.

SPIKE: Well, yeah, you got me there.

XANDER: Spike, Buffy has lost of friends, and we love her very much, and we'll do whatever it takes to protect her. Now if that means killing you, then, well, that's just a bonus.

JINX: Gentlemen! I'm so sorry to intrude, but I wondered if I might beg a moment of your time.

SPIKE: Friends of yours? ...Guess not.

***

BUFFY: I know you. You're the first Slayer.

FIRST SLAYER: This is a form. I am the guide.

BUFFY: I have a few questions ... about being the Slayer. What about ... love? Not just boyfriend love.

FIRST SLAYER: You think you're losing your ability to love.

BUFFY: I-I didn't say that. Yeah.

FIRST SLAYER: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.

BUFFY: Does it?

FIRST SLAYER: You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire ... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.

BUFFY: I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?

FIRST SLAYER: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love ... give ... forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift.

BUFFY: What?

***

WILLOW: He hasn't come back. Anya sat up waiting.

BUFFYBOT: I don't know where Xander is. I haven't seen him. And when I came out of the tunnel, Spike was gone. I need to find him.

WILLOW: Um ... Buffy, this thing with Spike, i-i-it isn't true, is it? You didn't, you know, sleep with Spike?

BUFFYBOT: No. I had sex with Spike. I'm sorry if it bothers you. You're my best friend.

WILLOW: I-I am. And I, I always will be, no matter what you do. I, I'm just trying to figure out why this happened, and I, I think with ... your mom and everything ... everyone was being all sympathetic, and, and making you feel weak. A-and Spike wasn't like that. So, just this one time, you just ... did something kinda ... crazy.

BUFFYBOT: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches.

WILLOW: No! Buffy, there is something seriously wrong here! I ... Okay, yeah, you've been with a vampire before, but Angel had a soul.

BUFFYBOT: Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid.

WILLOW: Okay ... look, I just wanna help you. Let me help you.

BUFFYBOT: You're my best friend.

WILLOW: Yeah. Again, I ... really am, but...

BUFFYBOT: You're recently gay.

WILLOW: Um...

***

BUFFY: I-I'm sorry, I, I'm just a little confused. I'm full of love, which is nice, and ... love will lead me to my gift?

FIRST SLAYER: Yes.

BUFFY: I'm getting a gift? Or, or do you mean that, that I have a gift to give to someone else?

FIRST SLAYER: Death is your gift.

BUFFY: Death ...

FIRST SLAYER: Is your gift.

BUFFY: Okay, no. Death is not a gift. My mother just died. I know this. If I have to kill demons because it makes the world a better place, then I kill demons, but it's not a gift to anybody.

FIRST SLAYER: Your question has been answered.

***

GLORY: What the hell is that, and why is his hair that color?

MURK: Stunning one, we believe he is...

MURK AND JINX: The key!

GLORY: Really? That's fantabulous! And impossible. He can't be the key, because, see, the key ... has to be pure. This is a vampire. Lesson number one, vampires equal impure.

SPIKE: Yeah, damn right I'm impure. I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow. Let me go.

GLORY: You can't even brain-suck a vampire. He's completely useless.

SPIKE: So, I'm just gonna let myself out.

JINX: But, your holiness, we observed the Slayer. She protected this one above all others. She treated him as precious.

GLORY: Really? Precious-ss-ss? Let's take a peek at you, precious.

SPIKE: Sod off.

GLORY: Oh... He doesn't look very fancy to me.

SPIKE: Hey, watch the lip!

GLORY: But if the Slayer protects him, maybe appearances are deceiving. Maybe there's something on the inside. Shhh. What do you know, precious? What can I dig out of you?

***

BUFFY: Whoa. Group hang time?

WILLOW: Tha-that was quick.

BUFFY: Didn't seem like it to me. Death is my gift.

XANDER: Buffy, we need to talk.

BUFFY: What's wrong? Is Dawn okay?

WILLOW: Dawn's fine.

XANDER: Buffy, we care about you, and we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the things you're doing-

ANYA: It's wrong.

WILLOW: Wait. This shouldn't be about blame.

BUFFY: Blame? There's blame now?

WILLOW: No, there's only love. And ... some fear.

ANYA: We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.

BUFFY: The ... who whating how with huh?

ANYA: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger.

BUFFY: I am not having sex with Spike!

ANYA: Anger.

XANDER: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.

BUFFY: I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be.

XANDER: Buffy, I saw you. Anya too. We saw you and Spike ... with the straddling.

BUFFYBOT: Spike's mine. Who's straddling Spike?

BUFFY: Oh my god.

XANDER: And so say all of us.

BUFFYBOT: Say, look at you. You look just like me! We're very pretty.

WILLOW: Two of them!

XANDER: Hey, I know this! They're both Buffy!

BUFFY: No, *she*'s a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?

BUFFYBOT: Oh, I don't think I'm a robot.

ANYA: She's very well done.

XANDER: Spike must have had her built so he could program her t-

BUFFY: Oh god.

WILLOW: Yikes. Imagine the things-

BUFFY: No! No, no imagining. Any of you.

XANDER: Already got the visual.

BUFFYBOT: People. Friends of mine. You're forgetting the most important thing. Glory has Spike and she's going to harm him.

BUFFY: Glory has Spike?

XANDER: We were gonna bring that up.

ANYA: We were getting weapons.

BUFFY: Grab 'em. We're going now. I have to kill him.

***

GILES: Quite extraordinary really.

BUFFYBOT: Thank you. But I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Giles. She's very smart and she's gonna help us save Spike.

GILES: Guy-les? Spike didn't even bother to program my name properly.

BUFFY: Listen, skirt girl, we are not going to save him. We're going to kill him. He knows who the key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.

BUFFYBOT: You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked. I mean really.

***

GLORY: The vampire ... is lying to me.

SPIKE: Yeah ... but it was fun. And guess what, bitch. I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding key, 'cause you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot.

GLORY: I am a god.

SPIKE: The god of what, bad home perms?

GLORY: Shut up! I command you, shut up!

SPIKE: Yeah, okay, sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words, the Slayer ... is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim ex-god like you.

***

BUFFY: What'd you guys do with Spike? And please let the story have a dusty ending.

XANDER: We dumped him back in his crypt.

GILES: Tried to find out if he'd ... told her anything, but he was too badly beaten to make much sense.

ANYA: Well, even if he told her, he'd just lie to us about it anyway, right?

BUFFY: Yeah, you can count on it. But I have to know. Now. If he did give us up, Dawn and I need to get out of town. I mean, she could be on her way right now.

GILES: (to Dawn) But, uh, not to worry, you know, I'm sure we'll all be perfectly safe.

DAWN: We're safe, right. And, uh, Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.

TARA: I-it sounded convincing when I thought it.

WILLOW: Hey! I-I think I found somethin'.

ANYA: Uch! Looks very complicated in there. Personally, I'd rather look at guts.

WILLOW: I found where she's broken. Some of these wires got fried extra crispy. It's an easy fix. I mean ... not that I would.

XANDER: God, I feel ... kind of bad for the guy. Gets all whupped and his best toy gets taken away.

BUFFY: Xander. Please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.

XANDER: No, no, travesty, completely on board, it's just ... the guy was so thrashed.

***

BUFFYBOT: Spike! You're covered in sexy wounds.

SPIKE: Yeah. I feel real sexy. Where you been?

BUFFYBOT: I fell down and got confused. Willow fixed me. She's gay.

SPIKE: Will fixed you? I thought they'd melt you into scrap.

BUFFYBOT: They were confused too. Do you wanna ravage me now?

SPIKE: Give us a minute. Got some bones need mending.

BUFFYBOT: Why did you let that Glory hurt you?

SPIKE: She wanted to know who the key was.

BUFFYBOT: Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you'll-

SPIKE: No! You can't ever. Glory never finds out.

BUFFYBOT: Why?

SPIKE: 'Cause Buffy ... the other, not so pleasant Buffy ... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

SPIKE: And my robot?

BUFFY: The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.

SPIKE: It wasn't supposed to-

BUFFY: Don't. That ... thing, it ... it wasn't even real. What you did, for me, and Dawn ... that was real. I won't forget it.

***

Tough Love

XANDER: Old saying. "A watched customer never buys."

ANYA: They would if they were patriotic.

XANDER: (to Willow) Okay, I'm goin' in. (to Anya) Patriotic?

ANYA: Yes. I've recently come to realize there's more to me than just being human. I'm also an American.

GILES: Yes, I suppose you are, in a manner of speaking. You were born here -- your mortal self.

ANYA: Well, that's right, foreigner. So I've been reading a lot about the good ol' us of A, embracing the extraordinarily precious ideology that's helped to shape and define it.

WILLOW: Democracy?

ANYA: Capitalism. The free market depends on the profitable exchange of goods for currency. It's a system of symbiotic beauty apparently lost on these old people. Look at 'em. Perusing the shelves. Undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs all ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's unAmerican.

GILES: Appalling. Almost as if they no longer think money can buy happiness.

ANYA: Totally unAmerican. Oh, and you know what else is unAmerican? French people.

WILLOW: You don't say.

ANYA: From what I hear, they don't tip. Now, French old people? That's *really* the bottom of the barrel, you know?

XANDER: Ahn, how's about we try being a bit less prejudiced, and a bit more inclusive? Not us, just you.

ANYA: Fine. I'm gonna make those fogeys buy things.

***

GILES: I trust everything went well at the university?

BUFFY: Yep, I'm, uh, all dropped out.

XANDER: Good on you. Welcome to the real world. Lot of fun to be had on the outside. You'll see.

BUFFY: Well, it's just for now. I mean, I'm thinking that I'm probably gonna go back next semester.

XANDER: And that's cool too. Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as ... as your ... You know, I'm searching for supportive things, and I'm comin' up all bras, so... something slightly more manly, think of me as that.

***

GLORY: So it's her. Under our noses all this time. I like the detail work those monks did. Quirks, foibles, passions ... it's all so cute, so ... human. You know? Pretty convincing really. But not convincing enough. You all know your assignments. I think it's time to collect the key.

***

TARA: Do ... I act like ... the big knowledge woman?

WILLOW: No.

TARA: Is that no spelled Y-E-S?

WILLOW: S-O-R-T of. I mean, I just feel like the-the junior partner. You've been doing everything longer than me. You've been out longer ... you've been practicing witchcraft way longer.

TARA: Oh, but you're way beyond me there! In just a few- I mean ... it frightens me how powerful you're getting.

WILLOW: That's a weird word.

TARA: "Getting"?

WILLOW: It frightens you? *I* frighten you?

TARA: That is *so* not what I meant. I meant i-impresses - impressive.

WILLOW: Well, I took Psych 101. I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final, but I know what a Freudian slip is. D-don't you trust me?

TARA: With my life.

WILLOW: That's not what I mean.

TARA: Can't we just go to the fair?

WILLOW: I don't feel real multicultural right now. Wh ... what is it about me that you don't trust?

TARA: It's not that. I worry, sometimes. You're, you're changing so much, so fast. I don't know where you're heading.

WILLOW: Where I'm heading?

TARA: I'm saying everything wrong.

WILLOW: No, I think you're being pretty clear. This isn't about the witchcraft. It's about the other changes in my life.

TARA: I trust you. I just ... I don't know where I'm gonna fit in ... in your life when...

WILLOW: When ... I change back? Yeah, this is a college thing, just a, a little experimentation before I get over the thrill and head back to boys' town. You think that?

TARA: Should I?

WILLOW: I'm really sorry that I didn't establish my lesbo street cred before I got into this relationship. You're the only woman I've ever fallen in love with, so ... how on earth could you ever take me seriously?

TARA: Willow, please!

WILLOW: Have fun at the fair.

***

BUFFY: This is for real, Dawn.

DAWN: No, it's not. I'm not real, so why would my exciting graph of chores be real? Who cares if a key gets an education anyway?

BUFFY: It's a chart. Not a graph. And you are real.

DAWN: Yeah? Those monks put grades K through eight in my head. Can't we just wait and see if they drop nine in there too?

BUFFY: Damn it, Dawn. This is serious.

DAWN: Why? Why should I care about any of this?

BUFFY: Because they'll take you away!

DAWN: Take me away? What do you mean?

BUFFY: They'll take you away from me. That's what your principal told me when you weren't in the room. If I can't make you go to school, then I won't be found fit to be your legal guardian.

DAWN: Where would I go?

BUFFY: I don't know. Dad maybe ... or foster care ... I, I didn't really want to ask.

DAWN: You could've told me that.

BUFFY: I just did.

***

GILES: Now, what do we have here?

ANYA: Oh, he's one of those things that work for Glory!

GILES: Yes. How helpful.

SLOOK: I do indeed work for the god. Let me go if you do not wish to incur her anger.

GILES: Well, she's not here. What a marvelous opportunity for you and me to talk.

SLOOK: I will not betray Glorificus. I will never talk, no matter what heinous torture-

GILES: Actually, you're talking quite a lot, just not about the right things. Tell us why you're here.

SLOOK: No words shall pass my lips that will bring peril to Glorificus.

GILES: Girls, get the twine that's on the counter, let's tie him up.

SLOOK: No, no! I'll tell you! Anything! Please! Whatever you want! Just, I'll, anything!

ANYA: What happened?

GILES: He changed his mind.

SLOOK: I'm ... I'm supposed to watch. We're watching the Slayer's people ... while Glory fetches the key.

WILLOW: Glory knows who the key is?

GILES: Oh god.

ANYA: We've got to call Buffy.

SLOOK: Too late. Too late. Glorificus will find the witch, and there's nothing you can do to stop her.

ANYA: Witch? What do you mean?

WILLOW: Tara!

***

GLORY: You lying little tramp! You're not the key, you're nothing! Just another worthless human being!

TARA: I didn't-

GLORY: I hate being lied to. It makes me feel so betrayed. Hey! You wanna make it all better? If you tell me who the key really is ... I'll let you go. Think about it. You think your hand hurts? Imagine what you'd feel with my fingers wiggling in your brain. It doesn't kill you. What it does ... is make you feel like you're in a noisy little dark room ... naked and ashamed ... and there are things in the dark that need to hurt you because you're bad ... little pinching things that go in your ears ... and crawl on the inside of your skull. And you know ... that if the noise and the crawling would stop ... that you could remember how to get out. But you never, ever will. Who ... is ... the key? ...Fine. Let's get crazy.

***

WILLOW: Tara, Tara, are you okay?

TARA: It's dirty. It's all dirty. And all over me! Dirty. Dirty. I'm bad. Bad.

WILLOW: Tara. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

***

WILLOW: Can she go home now?

DOCTOR: Unfortunately, no. Hospital policy dictates we keep her for the night.

WILLOW: But does she have to? I-I can take care of her at home.

TARA: It's poisoned. Why don't I tell you that? It, it has to be checked, though.

DOCTOR: She your sister?

TARA: I-i-it has to be verified, of course. Anyone can tell you that. Of course. Of course, of course.

WILLOW: She's my everything.

***

SPIKE: No one's gonna hurt you.

DAWN: Oh yeah? Same no one who did that to you?

SPIKE: What, these? It's just a few bruises. Nothin' to write home about. Hey, chin up, platelet. Don't get scared. Maybe Glory doesn't wanna kill you, maybe it's something-

DAWN: Worse?

SPIKE: Hey.

DAWN: You wanna know what I'm scared of, Spike? ... Me. Right now, Glory thinks Tara's the key. But I'm the key, Spike. I am. And anything that happens to Tara ... is 'cause of me. Your bruises, your limp ... that's all me too. I'm like a lightning rod for pain and hurt. And everyone around me suffers and dies. I ... must be something so horrible ... to cause so much pain ... and evil.

SPIKE: Rot.

DAWN: What do you know?

SPIKE: I'm a vampire. I know somethin' about evil. You're not evil.

DAWN: Maybe ... I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.

SPIKE: Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay.

***

XANDER: Willow. No. It's just for one night.

WILLOW: Yeah, I-I know, but ... it's a whole night. I don't think I can sleep without her.

ANYA: You can sleep with me. Well, now that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.

BUFFY: Will, you just have to rest. Okay? Right now there's nothing you can do.

WILLOW: Yes there is.

BUFFY: No. No way. You cannot even think about taking on Glory.

WILLOW: You saw what she did to Tara. I can't let her get away with it.

BUFFY: No. You *have* to let her get away with it. Even I'm no match for her, you know that.

WILLOW: But maybe I am.

BUFFY: You're not. And I won't let you go.

WILLOW: This is not your choice. It's mine.

BUFFY: This is not the time.

WILLOW: When, Buffy? When is? When *you* feel like it? When it's someone *you* love as much as I love Tara? When it's Dawn, is that it?

BUFFY: When we have a chance. We'll fight her, when we have a chance. You wouldn't last five minutes with her, Willow. She's a god.

WILLOW: Fine. I'll wait.

BUFFY: It's the only way.

WILLOW: Yeah.

BUFFY: Can I do anything?

WILLOW: Just let me be alone.

***

GLORY: Did anybody order an apocalypse?

WILLOW: Kali, Hera, Kronos, Tonic... Air like nectar, thick as onyx... Cassiel by your second star...

GLORY: Uhh. It's the lover. That's so cute.

WILLOW: Hold mine victim as in tar. I ... owe ... you ... pain!

***

DAWN: It's all my fault.

BUFFY: No. Sweetheart, it is *not* your fault.

DAWN: How's Willow?

BUFFY: She was looking to go all payback-y on Glory for a minute. But I cooled her down a little. Actually a lot.

SPIKE: So she's not gonna do anything rash then.

BUFFY: No. I explained that there was no point.

SPIKE: Mm-hmm.

BUFFY: What?

SPIKE: You - so you're saying that a ... powerful and mightily pissed-off witch ... was plannin' on going and spillin' herself a few pints of god blood until you, what, "explained"?

BUFFY: You think she'd ... no. I told Willow it would be like suicide.

SPIKE: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.

DAWN: Think, Buffy. If Glory had done that to me.

***

WILLOW: Shatter.

GLORY: Is that it? Is that the best you can do? You think I care about all this, the apartment, the clothes? Now, sucking on your girlfriend's mind? That was something to treasure. ...What's this? Bag of tricks?

WILLOW: Bag of knives. Spirit of serpents now appear. Hissing, writhing, striking near.

GLORY: Now this is getting weak. And so are you, honey. Aren't ya?

WILLOW: No!

GLORY: Know what they used to do to witches, lover? Crucify 'em.

BUFFY: They used to bow down to gods. Things change.

***

WILLOW: They said I might have to restrain her at night. But ... sometimes she's fine. She looks at me, and ... she's fine.

BUFFY: I'm sorry I couldn't-

WILLOW: It's okay. I can do this. I'm gonna take care of her. Even if she never... She's my girl.

BUFFY: I understand.

WILLOW: I know you do. Hear that, baby? You're my always.

GLORY: I told you this wasn't over.

TARA: No. The place is cracking! It's cracking! Cracking, no, no, no!

DAWN: No, Tara, it's okay.

TARA: Oh, look at that, look at that. The light! Oh, it's so pure! Such pure green energy! Oh, it's so beautiful.

***

Spiral

GLORY: I really hate it when people touch my things. Last words, slay-runt?

BUFFY: Just one. Truck.

***

DAWN: A-and then whoosh! All of a sudden Glory's standing right there in front of us, all skanky and blonde and thinkin' she's all that just 'cause some bumpy heads kiss her stinky feet ... She does have nice feet. A-and she's comin' right at us, and- Buffy's just standing there not even blinking, like "Bring it on," and then, wham! Hell-bitch in orbit.

XANDER: Go, Buff!

GILES: I knew you'd best Glory eventually, I mean all-all our years of training-

BUFFY: A truck hit her.

GILES: Oh.

ANYA: You threw it at her?

DAWN: Well, no. She more kind of waited for it to hit Glory. Uh, but then Buffy ran really fast and we got away.

BUFFY: I don't know how we got away. That truck couldn't have slowed her down for more than a second.

GILES: Well, how isn't important, all that matters is that the two of you are safe.

BUFFY: Safe? We've barely been able to manage not getting seriously dead every time we've crossed paths with Glory. Now that she knows that Dawn is the key?

GILES: There must be something in the Book of Tarnis that we've missed, something we can use against Glory.

ANYA: Piano!

XANDER: Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time! No wait, that-that was a rocket launcher. Ahn, what are you talking about?

ANYA: We should drop a piano on her. Well, it always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment.

GILES: Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain. Let's just keep thinking, everyone. Perhaps we should reassemble at the magic shop, see if there's anything-

BUFFY: We can't fight her.

GILES: W-well not yet, no, but-

BUFFY: No, not ever. She's too strong, Giles. We're not gonna win this with, with stakes, or spells, or pulling out some uranium power core. She's a god and she's coming for us. So let's just not be here when she starts knocking.

ANYA: Run away? Finally, a sensible plan.

XANDER: That's not what she meant. Is it?

BUFFY: Well, we can't stay here! She'll just kill us off one by one until there's no one left standing between her and Dawn.

GILES: Buffy, we all understand the severity of the situation, but there must be another way.

BUFFY: No. We stay, we die. Show of hands for that option.

***

GILES: What's he doing here?

SPIKE: Just out for a jaunt. Thought I'd swing by and say howdy.

GILES: Out.

BUFFY: He's here because we need him.

XANDER: The hell we do.

BUFFY: If Glory finds us, he's the only one besides me that has any chance of protecting Dawn.

XANDER: Buffy, come on-

BUFFY: Look, this isn't a discussion! He stays. Get over it.

SPIKE: Buckle up, kids. Daddy's puttin' the hammer down.

***

ORLANDO: Shiny.

GREGOR: Yes, I suppose it is.

ORLANDO: Pretty little girl, she's shiny too.

GREGOR: (to Dante) Watch him, make sure he's comfortable.

ORLANDO: So shiny. Pretty little shiny key.

GREGOR: The key? You've seen it?

ORLANDO: Pretty ... little shiny girl.

GREGOR: The monks, they've made it human.

DANTE: We know the Slayer's protecting the key. If what Orlando says is true...

GREGOR: Prepare to advance!

KNIGHT: Yes sir.

GREGOR: We end this now.

***

ANYA: Do we know where we're going yet?

SPIKE: We'd already be somewhere if Captain Slowpoke would give up the wheel. Hey! Gramps! Bloody step on it!

GILES: Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power.

XANDER: Is anybody else queasy?

ANYA: He doesn't travel well. He's like fine shrimp.

SPIKE: (to Dawn) I shoulda nicked that Porsche I had my eye on. There's just enough room for me, you, and big sis. ...What?

XANDER: Would you give it a rest, or...

SPIKE: Or what, you're gonna toss your cookies on my shoes?

XANDER: Or you can be undead man walking. See how fast you can hitch a ride with a flaming ...thumb.

SPIKE: Fine. Shrimp.

XANDER: That guy is bloodsuckin' the last nerve right outta me.

GILES: Well, Buffy has a point. In a confrontation, Spike may prove... useful.

XANDER: I don't know if Buffy's thinkin' too clear on that one, or anything else right now. I've never seen her so...

GILES: She's ... been through more than her fair share of late. She just needs a chance to catch her breath, regroup. She'll be all right.

XANDER: Yeah. She'll ... Yeah.

***

WILLOW: She doesn't know what she's doing.

DAWN: We know.

SPIKE: No biggie. Look, the skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play ... peek-a-boo with Mister Sunshine all you like. It keeps the ride from getting boring.

TARA: All the light is gone.

WILLOW: No, shh, baby. The light's still outside, okay?

TARA: All dark. All dark.

***

DAWN: Thanks.

BUFFY: For what?

DAWN: You know. Pretty much everything.

BUFFY: Yeah. I'm doin' a great job.

DAWN: You are.

BUFFY: I'm the Slayer. The chosen one. All mythic and defender-y. Evil nasties are supposed to flee from me. Not the other way around.

DAWN: You're not fleeing. You're ... moving at a brisk pace.

BUFFY: Quaintly referred to in some cultures as the big scaredy runaway.

***

GILES: Weapons?

SPIKE: Hello! You're driving one!

WILLOW: Don't hit the horsies!

BUFFY: Oh, we won't! (To Giles) Aim for the horsies.

***

BUFFY: Are you sure you're okay?

DAWN: Yeah. B-but Spike's hurt.

SPIKE: Ow! Easy with the delicates.

BUFFY: They'll heal.

SPIKE: Florence bloody Nightingale to the rescue.

***

GREGOR: You were warned we would return, Slayer.

BUFFY: Took you long enough. What are you supposed to be, some kind of chief?

GREGOR: General.

BUFFY: General. In charge of what, getting captured?

GREGOR: You do not frighten me, child. The instrument of chaos must be destroyed.

BUFFY: Look at her that way again, and she will be the last thing you ever see.

GREGOR: As I've been told, you protect the key of the beast.

BUFFY: It's not that simple.

GREGOR: Yes. The key has been transformed, given ... breath, life. Yet, this makes no difference. The key is the link. The link must be severed. Such is the will of god.

BUFFY: She doesn't remember anything about being this key you're all looking for. The only thing that she remembers is growing up with a mother, and a sister that love her. What kind of god would demand her life for something that she has no control over? We are not your enemy. Tell your men to stand down.

GREGOR: No.

BUFFY: It is not her fault! She's human now!

GREGOR: The key is too dangerous ... to be allowed to exist. No matter what form it has been pressed into.

***

BUFFY: I'm sorry.

GILES: For what?

BUFFY: We should have stayed. If we had, none of this would have happened.

GILES: Don't. What you did ... w-was necessary ... what I've always admired.

BUFFY: Running away?

GILES: Being able to place ... your heart ... above all else. I'm so proud of you. You've come so far. You're everything a Watcher ... everything I could have hoped for.

***

XANDER: How're your feelers?

SPIKE: Nothing compared to the little bits we're gonna get chopped into when the Renaissance Faire kicks the door in. And here we bloody sit.

XANDER: It's not like we got much of a choice.

SPIKE: Could make a break for it! Use General Armor-All as a shield get to the doc's car, and-

XANDER: Great plan. And while all the hacking and slashing's going on, what are you gonna be doing, huh? Throwing migraines at 'em?

SPIKE: Look, we stay here, we all die! At least this way, some of us might get-

BUFFY: No. We're all gonna make it. I'm not losing anyone.

***

GREGOR: What do you know of the beast?

BUFFY: Strong. Fast. Hellgod.

GREGOR: From a dimension of unspeakable torment.

BUFFY: A demon dimension. I know. She ruled with two other hellgods, right?

GREGOR: Along with the beast they were a triumvirate of suffering and despair. Ruling with equal vengeance. But the beast's power grew beyond even what they could conceive. As did her lust for pain and misery. They looked upon her, what she had become ... and trembled.

BUFFY: A god afraid?

GREGOR: Such was her power. They feared she would attempt to seize their dimension for herself, and decided to strike first. A great battle erupted. In the end, they stood victorious over the beast ... barely. She was cast out. Banished to this lower plane of existence, forced to live and eventually die trapped within the body of a mortal ... a newborn male, created as her prison. That is the beast's ... only weakness.

BUFFY: Kill the man ... and the god dies.

GREGOR: Unfortunately, the identity of the human vessel has never been discovered.

BUFFY: I don't understand. Now, I've seen Glory. Not a whole lot going on in the hairy chest department.

GREGOR: You have seen a glimpse of the true beast. Her power was too great to be completely contained. She's found a way to escape her mortal prison ... for brief periods, before her energies are exhausted and she's forced back ... into her living cell of meat and bone.

DAWN: What about me? What about the key?

BUFFY: Dawn.

DAWN: I want to know.

GREGOR: The key ... is almost as old as the beast itself. Where it came from, how it was created ... the deepest of mysteries. All that is certain is that its power is absolute. Countless generations of my people have sacrificed their lives in search of it, to destroy it before its wrath could be unleashed.

DAWN: But the monks found it first.

GREGOR: Yes, and hid it with their magicks.

BUFFY: Why didn't they just destroy it? If the key is as dangerous as-

GREGOR: Because they were fools. They thought they could harness its power for the forces of light. They failed, and paid with their blood.

DAWN: What do I do? What was I created for?

GREGOR: You were created ... to open the gates that separate dimensions. The beast will use your power ... to return home and seize control of the hell she was banished from.

BUFFY: That's it? That's Glory's master plan ... to go home?

GREGOR: You misunderstand. Once the key is activated, it won't just open the gates to the beast's dimension. It's going to open all the gates. The walls separating realities will crumble. Dimensions will bleed into each other. Order will be overthrown and the universe will tumble into chaos ... all dark ... forever. That ... is what you were created for.

***

GREGOR: You! You are not a part of this, are you?

BEN: Just a friend of the family.

GREGOR: Would you die for them? Because that is what your future holds if you align yourself with the Slayer and her misguided people.

BEN: It's my life, and I'll do what I please with it.

GREGOR: It's not just your life. Unimaginable legions will perish, including everyone here. You can stop this. You can save all their lives by ending one. The little girl. The key. Destroy it, and the will of the beast will be broken, she will fade, a distant memory ... and all of this madness will end.

***

DAWN: Ben?

BEN: You have to let me out.

DAWN: Ben?

BEN: You don't understand, I gotta get out, open a door now!

BUFFY: What happened?

DAWN: I-I don't know, he just freaked out.

BEN: Let me out!

BUFFY: Okay, W-Will, open a door.

***

GLORY: Well, what do you know. Little Ben finally did something right.

GREGOR: The beast.

GLORY: Hey, it's Gregor. Now it's not.

***

WILLOW: Buffy! Buffy, we have to find Dawn. We, we can't let Glory- Buffy? Buffy! Buffy, you have to get up! We need you! Buffy, please! Buffy...

The Weight of The World

SPIKE: She can't just be brain-dead. I mean ... she's still Buffy, somewhere in there, right?

XANDER: Spike, come on, we're not gonna get Dawn back by sittin' around here.

SPIKE: You're not gonna get Dawn back any way you slice it, Harris, it's for Buffy to decide.

XANDER: Good, panic. That oughta help.

WILLOW: We should move her. U-unless we shouldn't. Should we?

ANYA: Couldn't that make it worse? I think I read that somewhere.

XANDER: I am so large with not knowing.

GILES: It's impossible to know for sure. Losing Dawn, after all that Buffy's been through ... I think it's pushed her too far into some sort of catatonia.

SPIKE: You don't need a diploma to see that. Snap her out of it. Buffy! Oi, rise and shine, love!

ANYA: Spike...

SPIKE: Come on, people. Girl's endowed with Slayer strength. It's hardly the time to get dainty. Buffy!

XANDER: We tried that!

SPIKE: Ow!

ANYA: We didn't try that.

XANDER: Are you insane? We could be dealing with neurological damage here. You want to kill her?

SPIKE: We have to do something. I can't just sit here watching. You waste time with kid gloves. I'm willing to wager, when all is said and done, Buffy likes it rough.

WILLOW: Separate. Buffy's out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon, she's gonna use Dawn to tear down the barrier between every dimension there is. So if you two wanna fight, do it after the world ends, okay? All right. First we head back to Sunnydale. Xander'll take Giles to a hospital. Anya's looking after Tara. And Spike, you find Glory. Check her apartment, see if she's still there. Try anything stupid, like payback, and I will get Very Cranky. Everyone clear? Anya.

ANYA: Um ... w-what will you do?

WILLOW: I'll help Buffy.

ANYA: Okay then.

TARA: The world is spinning. Straight to a new day! Big day. Big, big day.

WILLOW: Shh, shh.

SPIKE: Uh ... Will? Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but ... what if we come across Ben?

WILLOW: I-I don't think a doctor's what Buffy needs right now.

SPIKE: Well, yeah, especially not one who also happens to be Glory.

GILES: What do you mean?

SPIKE: You know. Ben is Glory.

WILLOW: You mean ... Ben's with Glory?

XANDER: "With" in what sense?

ANYA: They're working together?

SPIKE: No. No. Ben is Glory. Glory's Ben. They're one and the same.

ANYA: When did all this happen?

SPIKE: Not one hour ago! Right here, before your very eyes! Ben came, he turned into Glory, snatched the kid, and pfft! Vanished, remember? You do remember...? Is everyone here very stoned? Ben! Glory! He's a doctor, she's the beast. Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. Like a bloody sitcom. Surely you remember.

XANDER: So you're saying ... Ben and Glory...

ANYA: Have a connection.

GILES: Yes, obviously, but what kind?

SPIKE: Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune.

WILLOW: So ... Ben and Glory ... are-are the same person?

XANDER: Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory.

ANYA: And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.

SPIKE: Kewpie doll for the lady.

GILES: Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?

***

GLORY: You nervous?

DAWN: Yes.

GLORY: I know how you feel. It is your last night. As, you know ... a human. This body ... it's just a rental, Dawnie. Being human? It's like a costume for girls like you and me. Being something else, *that's* what we are.

DAWN: Don't.

GLORY: What?

DAWN: Don't call me Dawnie.

GLORY: Huh. Wow. You know, that actually hurt my feelings.

DAWN: I'm sorry.

GLORY: Not the point. I'm just thinking, here I am trying to make you feel better, when comforting others ... not part of my life. And I'm doing it, so I can stop ... feeling so ... um ... Help me out.

DAWN: Guilty?

GLORY: Guilty. That's it! But I'm not supposed to feel guilty. I'm not supposed to feel anything. I'm, I'm ... I'm a god. I'm above it. I'm ... You. You did this to me, didn't you? Some sort of spell, you've been hanging with the wicca, you could've- But no. It's not magic. It's something else. Still, it is you doing this.

DAWN: I ... I'm not doing anything. I swear.

GLORY: We'll see. Anoint this thing now! Know what they're all chanting for out there, Dawnie? Blood. 'Cause we found out your blood is the key to the key! All I gotta do is bleed you dry, the portal opens up, and I can go home! So knock yourself out, girlfriend. Make me feel bad as you can. 'Cause tomorrow ... you bleed, little girl.

***

GLORY: I'm hating this, Murk.

GRONX: And this would be what exactly, your holiness?

GLORY: Memories. I'm starting to remember the things Ben did. People he spoke with, stuff he wore... Hmm! Kid! I came ... he came to see you, didn't he?

DAWN: Ben?

GLORY: Yeah, Ben. You called him to the desert when you were hiding from me. And he came. And then he was me, you remember?

DAWN: Yes.

GLORY: See? She's not supposed to remember that! Nobody should! The cloak between Ben and me is fading! I almost helped her! He ... I wanted to. I can't do this! Get him out of me.

PRIEST: What?

GLORY: Ben! The human meat-sack who's infecting me. Do your mojo, make an incision, or removal, or whatever you've gotta do. Help me! I'm ... I'm thinking Ben's thoughts, and ... and I'm feeling his feelings! And ... uh! I...

BEN: ...can't kill the girl.

GLORY: Damn it. Help me!

PRIEST: Th-this I cannot do. You risk terrible magicks in opening the portal. Nothing comes without a price. This ... is yours.

GLORY: Gods don't pay. We do this *now*!

***

WILLOW: Hey ... I know you. You're, you're the first original Slayer who tried killing us all in our dreams. How've you been?

FIRST SLAYER: Death is your gift.

BUFFY: Death is my gift?

WILLOW: Wait, death is her what?

FIRST SLAYER: Death is your gift.

***

GLORY: How do they do it?

DAWN: Do what?

GLORY: People! How do they function here like this in the world with all this bile running through them? Every day it's whoo-oo You have no control. They're not even animals, they're just these meatbaggy slaves to, to hormones and pheromones and their, and their feelings. Hate 'em! I mean really. Is this what the poets go on about, this? Call me crazy, but as hard-core drugs go, human emotion is just useless! People are puppets! Everyone getting jerked around by what they're feelin'. Am I wrong? Really, I want to know. Gonna bleed you either way.

DAWN: Depends on the person.

GLORY: So you're saying some people like this.

DAWN: Some.

GLORY: Funny. 'Cause I look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of ... and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Who's not crazy? Look around. Everyone's drinking, smoking, shooting up ... shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out 'cause they don't want 'em anymore. *I'm* crazy? Honey, I'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind. 'Cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts. Name one person who can take it here. That's all I'm asking. Name one.

DAWN: Buffy.

***

WILLOW: I'm sorry.

BUFFY #2: Don't be. Death is my gift.

WILLOW: Yeah, I keep hearing that, but... I'm not exactly sure what it means.

BUFFY #2: It's really not that complicated.

WILLOW: Not for you maybe.

BUFFY #2: It's what I do. I mean, come on, you've known me ... for how long? It's what I'm here for. It's all I am.

WILLOW: Buffy, stop! No! God, no!

BUFFY #2: What? I keep telling you, Will. I-I figured it out. Death is my gift.

***

YOUNG BUFFY: Hi, Willow. What are you doing here?

WILLOW: Actually, I'm, uh ... looking for you. Here. Again.

YOUNG BUFFY: Do you like dolls?

WILLOW: No ... and I think we already deja'd this vu.

YOUNG BUFFY: You talk funny.

WILLOW: Yes ... as you'll tell me again when we're older and in chem class. Buffy ... what are we doing here?

YOUNG BUFFY: Don't you like it here?

WILLOW: We don't have time.

***

BUFFY #1: This was when I quit, Will.

WILLOW: You did?

BUFFY #2: Just for a second. I remember.

BUFFY #1: I was in the magic shop.

BUFFY #2: I put a book back for Giles.

BUFFY #1: Nothing special about it. And then it hit me.

WILLOW: What hit you?

BUFFY #2: I can't beat Glory.

BUFFY #1: Glory's going to win.

WILLOW: You can't know that.

BUFFY #2: I didn't just know it.

BUFFY #1: I felt it. Glory will beat me.

BUFFY #2: And in that second of knowing it, Will...

BUFFY #1: I wanted it to happen.

WILLOW: Why?

BUFFY #1: I wanted it over. This is ... all of this ... it's too much for me.

BUFFY #2: I just wanted it over.

BUFFY #1: If Glory wins ... then Dawn dies.

BUFFY #2: And I would grieve. People would feel sorry for me. But it would be over. And I imagined what a relief it would be. I killed Dawn.

WILLOW: Is that what you think?

BUFFY #1: My thinking it made it happen. Some part of me wanted it. And in the moment Glory took Dawn...

BUFFY #2: I know I could have done something better. But I didn't. I was off by some fraction of a second.

BUFFY #1: And this is why...

BUFFY #2: ...I killed my sister.

WILLOW: I think Spike was right back at the gas station. Snap out of it!

BUFFY #1: What?

BUFFY #2: What?

WILLOW: All this ... it has a name. It's called guilt. It's a feeling, and it's important. But it's not more than that, Buffy. Buffys. The Buffys You've carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school. And I, I know you didn't ask for this, but ... you do it every day. And so, you wanted out for one second. So what?

BUFFY #2: I got Dawn killed.

WILLOW: Hello! Your sister, not dead yet! But she will be if you stay locked inside here and never come back to us.

BUFFY #2: But what if I can't?

WILLOW: Then I guess you're right. And you did kill your sister.

BUFFY #2: Wait! Where are you going?

WILLOW: Where you're needed. Are you coming?

***

BUFFY: Hear you found the ritual text.

GILES: Uh, something like that, yes.

XANDER: Did you know that ... Ben is Glory?

BUFFY: So I'm told. What do we know?

GILES: Um ... well, uh ... according to these scrolls, uh, it's possible for Glory to be stopped. I-I'm afraid it's, um ... well, Buffy, I've read these things very carefully and there's not much ... margin for error. You understand what I'm saying?

BUFFY: Might help if you actually said it.

GILES: Um ... Glory ... plans to open a ... dimensional portal ... by way of a ritual bloodletting.

BUFFY: Dawn's blood.

GILES: Yes. Once the blood is shed at a certain time and place ... the fabric which separates all realities will ... be ripped apart. Dimensions will ... pour into one another, uh, with no barriers to stop them. Reality as we know it will be destroyed, and ... chaos will reign on earth.

BUFFY: So how do we stop it?

GILES: The portal will only close once the blood is stopped ... and the only way for that to happen is, um ... Buffy, the only way is to kill Dawn.

***

The Gift

KID: Get out of here!

VAMP: No. No, she wants to stay. I don't mind a little appetizer.

BUFFY: Have you ever heard the expression, 'biting off more than you can chew'? Okay. Um ... how about the expression, 'vampire slayer'?

VAMP: What the hell you talkin' about?

BUFFY: Wow. Never heard that one. Okay. How about, 'Oh god, my leg, my leg'?

VAMP: Oh god! My leg! Uhh...

BUFFY: See? Now we're communicating.

***

BUFFY: Wow. Been a long while since I met one who didn't know me. You should get home.

KID: H-how'd you do that?

BUFFY: It's what I do.

KID: But you're ... you're just a girl.

BUFFY: That's what *I* keep saying.

***

GILES: The key was ... living energy. It needed to be channeled, poured into a specific place at a specific time. The energy ... would flow into that spot, the walls between the dimensions break down. It stops, the energy's used up, the walls come back up. Glory uses that time to get back into her own dimension, not caring that all manner of hell will be unleashed on earth in the meantime.

ANYA: Um, but only for a little while, right? The walls come back up, uh, n-no more hell?

WILLOW: That's only if the energy is stopped. And now the key is human ... it's Dawn.

GILES: "The blood flows, the gates will open. The gates will close when it flows no more." When Dawn is dead.

TARA: I have places to be!

XANDER: Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? I mean, why couldn't it be like a, a lymph ritual?

SPIKE: 'Cause it's always got to be blood.

XANDER: We're not actually discussing dinner right now.

SPIKE: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. Course it's her blood.

BUFFY: Pretty simple math here. We stop Glory before she can start the ritual. We still have a couple of hours, right?

GILES: If my calculations are right. But Buffy-

BUFFY: I don't wanna hear it.

GILES: I understand that-

BUFFY: No! No, you don't understand. We are not talking about this.

GILES: Yes, we bloody well are! If Glory begins the ritual ... if we can't stop her...

BUFFY: Come on. Say it. We're bloody well talking about this. Tell me to kill my sister.

GILES: She's not your sister.

BUFFY: No. She's not. She's more than that. She's me. The monks made her out of me. I hold her ... and I feel closer to her than ... It's not just the memories they built. It's physical. Dawn ... is a part of me. The only part that I-

WILLOW: We'll solve this. We will. Don't have another coma, okay?

GILES: If the ritual starts, then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death ... including Dawn.

BUFFY: Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her.

GILES: You'll fail. You'll die. We all will.

BUFFY: I'm sorry. I love you all ... but I'm sorry.

ANYA: Okay. All in favor of stopping Glory *before* the ritual. Suggestions, ideas? Time's a-wastin'.

SPIKE: Uh ... when you say you love us all...

XANDER/GILES: Shut up.

ANYA: Willow. I bet you've got some dark spell a-brewin'. Uh, make her a, a, a toad? Little hoppy toad, we can hit her with a hammer?

TARA: Hoppy toad.

XANDER: What about Ben? He can be killed, right? I mean, I know he's an innocent, but, you know, not like Dawn innocent. We could kill a ... regular guy. God.

GILES: It's doubtful he'll surface again this close to the ritual. We can expect it's Glory we're dealing with.

WILLOW: We don't have to kill her. Uh, we just have to stop her from doing the ritual. I mean, there's only the one time that she can do it, right?

SPIKE: Yeah. We get her on the ropes, we just gotta keep her occupied till it's too late.

ANYA: Okay. But I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a god. Let's think outside the box.

SPIKE: Why don't *you* go think outside the bleeding box.

GILES: Yes, Anya, apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm, have you anything else to contribu-

ANYA: The Dagon sphere!

GILES: Sorry?

ANYA: When Buffy first met Glory, she found that magical ... glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her. Ooh! And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. You wanna fight a god, use the weapon of a god.

SPIKE: Uh, nah, that thing's too heavy to- Yeah. Good.

BUFFY: I like this. Thanks.

ANYA: Here to help. Wanna live.

XANDER: Smart chicks are soooo hot.

WILLOW: You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade?

GILES: Well, we have some ideas, if we could actually get Glory on the run, but, um...

BUFFY: But, we still have no idea how to find her.

TARA: Big day. Oh, it calls me! I have to be there!

***

GLORY: So, what's the hubbub, bub? What do you got against old Benjy?

DAWN: He's a monster. At least you're up-front about it.

GLORY: Don't be so hard on the boy. He just wants to live. Most guys would do the same. Besides, he's probably the reason your sis and her little cartoon pals are still alive. That little nagging pinch of humanity that makes me go for the hurt instead of the kill. Lowering myself to trade blows with the Slayer when I should have just put my fist through her heart. It's gotta be Ben.

DAWN: Or maybe you just can't take her.

GLORY: Hmm, funny thing. You've been here for a few hours now, and I haven't seen big sis galloping in to save you. She probably knows what a terrible mistake that'd be.

DAWN: She's not afraid of you.

GLORY: Oh no, sweetie baby. I'm talking about the ritual. 'Cause you know I bleed you, the portals open, but once you die they close. The faster you die, the better for your sorry species. I'm bettin' Buffy knows that. Since she's not really your sister, I'm guessin' she isn't gonna show. And if she does... it might not be to save you.

***

BUFFY: This is how many apocalypses for us now?

GILES: Oh, uh, well... six, at least. Feels like a hundred.

BUFFY: I've always stopped them. Always won.

GILES: Yes.

BUFFY: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much. But I knew ... what was right. I don't have that any more. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish that... I just wish my mom was here. The spirit guide told me ... that death is my gift. Guess that means a Slayer really is just a killer after all.

GILES: I think you're wrong about that.

BUFFY: It doesn't matter. If Dawn dies, I'm done with it. I'm quitting.

***

ANYA: God, who, who would put something like that there? Is this supposed to be some sort of sick joke? I mean, things aren't bad enough! This is an omen.

XANDER: Hey, hey, shh. ANYA: No, no, it's an omen. It's a higher power, trying to tell me through bunnies that we're all gonna die. Oh god.

XANDER: No it's not. It's okay.

ANYA: No, you see, usually when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god ... and worry terribly that something might happen to you. And also worry that something'll happen to me. And then I have guilt that I'm not more worried about everyone else, but I just don't have enough! I'm just on total overload, and I honestly don't think that I could be more nervous than I am right now.

XANDER: Care to wager on that? Anya ... you wanna marry me? ...Can I take that as a "maybe"?

ANYA: You're proposing to me!

XANDER: Yes...

ANYA: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die! And you think it's romantic and sexy and, and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it 'cause the world's gonna end!

XANDER: I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not.

ANYA: You can't know that.

XANDER: I believe it. I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long ... and silly life, and I'm not interested in doing that without you around.

ANYA: Oh. Okay.

XANDER: Okay?

ANYA: Yes. I mean, yes. No.

XANDER: No?

ANYA: After. Give it to me when the world doesn't end.

***

BUFFY: I need you, Will. You're my big gun.

WILLOW: I'm your - no, I-I was never a gun. Someone else should be the gun. I, I could be a, a cudgel. Or, or a pointy stick.

BUFFY: You're the strongest person here. You know that, right?

WILLOW: Well ... no.

BUFFY: Will, you're the only person that's ever hurt Glory. At all. You're my best shot at getting her on the ropes, so don't get a jelly belly on me now.

WILLOW: Well ... I, I ... do sort of have this one idea. But, last few days, I've mostly been looking into ways to help Tara. I-I know that shouldn't be my priority....

BUFFY: Of course it should.

WILLOW: Well, I've been charting their essences. Mapping out. I think ... if I can get close enough, I may be able to reverse what Glory did. Like, take back what she took from Tara. It might weaken Glory, or ... make her less coherent. Or it might make all our heads explode.

***

XANDER: I'm looking for something in a broadsword.

SPIKE: Don't be swingin' that thing near me.

XANDER: Hey, I happen to be-

SPIKE: A glorified bricklayer?

XANDER: I'm also a swell bowler.

ANYA: Has his own shoes.

SPIKE: The gods themselves do tremble.

BUFFY: Spike, shut your mouth, come with me.

***

BUFFY: The weapons are in the chest by the TV, I'll grab the stuff upstairs.

SPIKE: Uh, Buffy... If you wanna just hand them over the threshold, I'll...

BUFFY: Come in, Spike.

SPIKE: Hmm. Presto. No barrier. Um, won't bother with the small stuff. Couple of good axes should hold off Glory's mates while you take on the lady herself.

BUFFY: We're not all gonna make it. You know that.

SPIKE: Yeah. Hey. Always knew I'd go down fightin'.

BUFFY: I'm counting on you ... to protect her.

SPIKE: Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight.

BUFFY: I'll be a minute.

SPIKE: Yeah. ...I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man. And that's... Get your stuff, I'll be here.

***

BUFFY: Everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts, we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.

SPIKE: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?

GILES: We few... we happy few.

SPIKE: We band of buggered.

***

GLORY: (To Tara) You. What are you doing here?

WILLOW: She's with me.

***

GLORY: What the frickin' hell did that bitch do to me?

MINION: You look fine. Truly.

GLORY: She made a little ... she made a hole. Uh, I need a brain to eat.

MINION: Oh, take mine, oh groove-tastic one!

GLORY: I said a brain, you worthless dirt! Big day. I got places to be, big day. Need a brain. Suppose I could always use yours.

BUFFY: Okay then. Come and get it.

***

MINION 1: Stand fast! Kill anyone who dares approach! This will be our day of glory!

MINION 2: Well punned.

MINION 1: Well, it just called out to me.

***

WILLOW: Tara?

TARA: W ... Willow?

WILLOW: Tara?

TARA: Willow ... I got so lost.

WILLOW: I found you. I will always find you.

***

GLORY: Hey, wow, the Slayer's a robot. Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?

BUFFY: Glory? You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?

***

DAWN: You. You can help me. Untie me. Please. Help me, she's coming.

DOC: Well, it seems she's running a bit late, is the thing. And, uh, if her Splendidness can't be here in time to bleed you... Hey! Kid. Wanna see a trick?

***

DOC: Well. What do you know? It's just about that time.

DAWN: Spike!

SPIKE: Doesn't a fella stay dead when you kill him?

DOC: Look who's talking.

SPIKE: Come on, Doc. Let's you and me have a go.

DOC: I ... do have a prior appointment.

SPIKE: This won't take long.

DOC: No, I-I don't imagine it will.

***

GLORY: You're just a mortal. You couldn't understand my pain.

BUFFY: Then I'll just have to settle for causing it.

GLORY: You can't kill me.

BUFFY: No ... but my arm's not even tired yet.

***

SPIKE: You don't come near the girl, Doc.

DOC: I don't smell a soul anywhere on you. Why do you even care?

SPIKE: I made a promise to a lady.

DOC: Oh? Then I'll send the lady your regrets.

***

GLORY: Stop it.

BUFFY: You're a god. Make it stop.

BEN: I'm sorry.

BUFFY: Tell her it's over. She missed her shot. She goes. She ever, *ever* comes near me and mine again...

BEN: We won't. I swear. ...I guess we're stuck with each other, huh baby?

GILES: Can you move?

BEN: Need a ... a minute. She could've killed me.

GILES: No she couldn't. Never. And sooner or later Glory will re-emerge, and ... make Buffy pay for that mercy. And the world with her. Buffy even knows that... and still she couldn't take a human life. She's a hero, you see. She's not like us.

BEN: Us?

***

BUFFY: What are you doing?

DAWN: I have to jump. The energy.

BUFFY: It'll kill you.

DAWN: I know. Buffy, I know about the ritual. I have to stop it.

BUFFY: No.

DAWN: I have to. Look at what's happening. Buffy, you have to let me go. Blood starts it, and until the blood stops flowing, it'll never stop. You know you have to let me. It has to have the blood.

***

DAWN: Buffy ... no!

BUFFY: Dawnie, I have to.

DAWN: No!

BUFFY: Listen to me. Please, there's not a lot of time, listen. Dawn, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will *always* love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.

***

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS

1981-2001

BELOVED SISTER

DEVOTED FRIEND

SHE SAVED THE WORLD A LOT

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