Season Four
***
Buffy: Maybe I shouldn't take Psych.
Willow: You gotta. I-It's fun, a-and you can use it as your science requirement. Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's like, world-renowned.
Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be 'nowned' first?
Willow: Yes, first there's the painful 'nowning' process.
***
Buffy: Are we heading anywhere near Wiesman Hall? I still need to get my I.D. card.
Willow: Oh, I got mine this morning. The lines are really long now, you should have gone early.
Buffy: Well, I hope that I learn from this experience, and that I grow.
Willow: I'm being annoying, aren't I?
Buffy: No, it's nice that you're excited.
Willow: It's just in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up--you know?--and letting this place thrust into and spurt knowledge into... That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
***
Buffy: It's too bad Giles can't be librarian here. Be convenient.
Willow: Well, he says that he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure.
Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just british for unemployed?
Willow: Uh-huh, he's a slacker now.
Buffy: Speaking of slack, have you heard anything from Xander?
Willow: Not for awhile, he's still on his cross-country-see-America thing. He said he wasn't coming back until he had driven to all fifty states.
Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii?
Willow: Oh, he seemed so determined.
***
Professor Reegert: The point of this course is not to critique popular American culture. It is not to pick at it, or look down upon it. And it is not to watch videos for credit. The point is to examine...
Buffy: Do you know if this class is full yet?
Professor Reegert: And there are two people talking at once, and I know that one of them is me. And the other is... a blonde girl. You, blonde girl. Stand up. I'm very excited to hear what you have to say that's worth interrupting my lecture for.
Buffy: I was just asking if the class was still open, if I could still sign up.
Professor Reegert: If your name isn't on this sheet then you are wasting everyone's time. Are you on the sheet?
Buffy: They told me that if I just...
Professor Reegert: Do you understand? You are sucking energy from everyone in this room. They came here to learn. Get out!
Buffy: I didn't mean to... suck.
Professor Reegert: Leave! Thank you.
***
Buffy: This is a bad time.
Giles: You keep saying that.
Buffy: Well it looks pretty bad! I think someone had just a little too much free time on their hands.
Giles: I'm not supposed to have a private life?
Buffy: No! 'Cause you're very, very old, and it's gross.
Giles: Well, before I succumb to the ravages of age, why don't you tell me what brings you here.
***
Sunday: Slayer! Wow, uhm, I heard you might be coming here. This is, I mean, what a challenge! The slayer!
Buffy: And you are?
Sunday: I'm... I'm Sunday, I'll be killing you here in a minute or so.
Buffy: You know that threat gets more frightening every time I hear it.
***
Joyce: Oh, well yeah. You know, I-I didn't think you'd be back for a couple of weeks. Uh, but I didn't move anything, it's still your room.
Buffy: You filled it with packing crates.
Joyce: Yeah, but I didn't move anything.
Buffy: If it's still my room, shoudn't I still be able to fit in it?
***
Xander: The whole world in front of her, and she comes back to this dive.
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: Hey, Buff.
Buffy: Oh, when did you get back?
Xander: Couple days ago.
Buffy: You freak of nature. Why didn't you call me?
Xander: Well I knew you guys were starting the whole college adventure and I didn't want to, um, you know... help you move.
Buffy: I missed you. How was your trip? Is America nice? I hear it's nice.
Xander: There's some purple mountains majesty, I'm gonna have to say.
Buffy: What'd you do? What'd you see?
Xander: Well...
Buffy: Tell me!
Xander: 'Grand Canyon!'
Buffy: You saw the Grand Canyon!
Xander: Well, I saw the movie 'Grand Canyon,' on cable. Really lame.
Buffy: Hunh?
Xander: Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So, I ended up washing dishes at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club' for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?
Buffy: Male strippers?
Xander: No power on this earth!
***
Xander: Buffy, I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life, faced some scary things, among them the kitchen at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club.' Let me tell you something, when it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?' You're my hero. Ok, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I think, 'What is Buffy wearing?'
Buffy: Can that be one of those things you never, ever, tell me about?
***
Xander: You up for a little reconnaissance?
Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
Xander: No, that was the renaissance.
Buffy: Oh. I've had a really long week. Let's go look at the house.
***
Kathy: It seems kind of weird.
Oz: Yeah, weird's a pretty good word for it.
Willow: Buffy wouldn't just take off, th-that's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed he name, but there were circumstances then. There's no circumstances.
Kathy: Does Buffy have a history of emotional problems? 'Cause on my request form I was pretty specific about a stable non-smoker.
Oz: I don't think this is her handwriting.
Willow: I bet there were circumstances! We've probably been so wrapped up in our own petty lives that... that we totally missed the circumstances. We're bad friends!
Oz: Let's think this through.
Willow: How can you be so calm?
Oz: Long, arduous hours of practice.
***
Xander: Do we hug?
Oz: I think we're too manly.
***
Kathy: I noticed that some of my milk was missing. Did you...
Buffy: Oh! Yeah, actually, I did. I meant to...
Kathy: No! It's totally ok, I was just wondering.
Buffy: Yeah, I-I-I was making my coffee and I just...
Kathy: Buffy, it's fine. I just wanted to make sure... that we didn't have a thief or something.
Buffy: Like who? Sid the Wiley Dairy Gnome?
Kathy: I don't know, it's no big deal. Please, feel free.
***
Giles: Hello.
Buffy: You run?
Giles: And jump. And bend. And, occasionally, frolic.
Buffy: Ok, and, uh, what's with the motorbike and scooter magazine?
Giles: Congratulations, you've found me out. I'm a mod jogger.
Buffy: Ok, you're not having one of those mid-life things, are you? 'Cause I'm still going 'ick' from the last time you tried to recapture your youth.
***
Buffy: What are you doing today?
Giles: Uh, it's a good day for me, actually. A friend of mine recently acquired a-uh an original Gutenberg demonography... and it suddenly occurred to me that you've never once asked me what my day's plans were, which leads me to inquire whether you're feeling entirely yourself.
Buffy: That's not true. I ask about you all the time. Ok, well, maybe the words don't actually make it out of my mouth, but I think about it.
Giles: And it's appreciated. Which doesn't explain why you're hanging around here instead of rushing off as usual.
Buffy: It's no big. I just figured I'd hang here--you know—until my roommate goes to class.
Giles: Ah, I see.
Buffy: I know, it's probably just me having a bitch attack. But it's not... me.
Giles: Buffy, living with somebody is never easy. Especially for an only child...
Buffy: Giles, listen to me, ok? When she sharpens her pencils she measures them with a ruler to make sure they're all the same size.
Giles: Which is fussy, I agree, but everybody has their idiosyncrasies. You'd do well to learn to tolerate them.
Buffy: Or I'll end up an old lady who can only live with cats?
Giles: Something like that.
Buffy: Ok. You know what? You're right. Take a mental pic, this is the new Buffy. Kinder, gentler... roommate extraordinaire.
***
Willow: So, spill! What was that all about, with the cutie patootie?
Buffy: I don't know... nothing big, I think. Just random adorableness.
Xander: Oh, a technique I know well. Hit the girl with your best shot, then hasta.
Oz: Gotta respect the drive-by.
Xander: Low rejection, fond memories.
Willow: It looked like more than that to me. He got all googly-eyed.
Xander: That's because he got hit by the Buffinator. Now he's powerless.
Buffy: You think?
Oz: No question, he'll be back.
***
Kathy: Ewww! Who left their gum here?
Buffy: Gum gnome?
***
Willow: Ok, so that was the evil twin, right? 'Cause she was bordering on Cordelia-esque.
Oz: Well, she's definitely pushing the stress meter on this Kathy thing.
Giles: I concur she's not, uh, herself, but, you know, uh, learning to live with someone can be a challenge.
Willow: A-and she hasn't been sleeping.
Giles: Right, then. Nothing to get to concerned about. Still, let me know if she, um...
Oz: Hits the red zone?
***
Oz: You're worried about her.
Willow: Yeah, both of them. I mean, what kind of demon runs around putting ookie blood dreams into people's heads. Like some kind of nightmare fairy. It's not right.
Oz: Well, I'm against it.
Willow: And Buffy's completely being not herself. If it wasn't for this English paper I'd be there right now. Um, listening. Doing the girly best friend thing.
Oz: Well, I can do that.
Willow: You can?
Oz: Well, I'm not saying we'll braid each others hair--probably—but I can hang with her, watch for signs she's going over the edge.
***
Buffy: ...so then Kathy's like, 'It's share time.' And I'm like, 'Oh yeah? Share this!'
Oz: So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?
Oz: Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.
Buffy: Hmm, Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind and... and...
Oz: Forced to wear a binding unitard?
Buffy: Yeah, the itchy kind, it's perfect.
Oz: Just here to help.
Buffy: Which I appreciate. But you've never come on routine patrol with me before, Oz. So, what's the deal?
Oz: Seemed more interesting than homework.
***
Willow: You have to kill her? Don't you think you could just switch rooms, or something?
Buffy: Well I would, but it's not just me in danger from Kathy. Look.
Willow: Toenails?
Buffy: Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.
Willow: Good thinking, 'cause in the middle of the night those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.
Buffy: Don't be ridiculous. The point is I measured them before I fell asleep and again this morning, and they grew. After they were cut! That's a demon thing, she has to be eliminated.
Willow: Of course. I-it makes sense, now. But you better show those bad puppies to Giles before you do anything just to be sure.
Buffy: Absolutely. I don't want to do anything crazy.
***
Buffy: I can't believe this, after all that we've been through together and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is bad.
Xander: We want to, Buff, it's just...
Oz: Shh, don't engage.
Xander: I don't know if I tightened those ropes enough.
Oz: Then we'd better go over there and check 'em.
Xander: Oh, dear god! Avoid the legs. Avoid the legs.
Buffy: Nope, not tight enough.
***
Oz : Hey. You guys ready to load up and go?
Willow : Almost. Buffy's looking at Parker. Who it turns out has a reflection, so big plus there. Buffy's having lusty wrong feelings.
Buffy : No I'm not.
Willow : No, you're not.
Buffy : Oh, I so am.
Willow : No, uh, they're not wrong feelings cause you're free, you're both grown-ups. You are free, right?
***
Parker : You have a scar.
Buffy : Yeah ... right ... angry puppy. So, I get to see any of your scars?
Parker : Oh, mine are all psychological.
Buffy : Please, those are the best kind.
Parker : Well my father died last year.
Buffy : Oh, God. Parker, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up, that stuff. Oh, bad, bad Buffy.
Parker : No, I'm okay to talk about it now. And I'm not doing to deep, get sympathy routine. I mean don't you just hate guys that are all 'I'm dark and brooding so give me love?'
Buffy : I don't think I've ever met that type.
***
Xander : I am not enjoying this.
Giles : Well shelve them correctly and we can finish.
Xander : I don't get your crazy system.
Giles : System? It's called the alphabet.
***
Anya : Where is our relationship going?
Xander : Our what? Our who?
Anya : Relationship. What kind do we have. And what is it progressing toward?
Xander : I ... Uh ... We have a relationship?
Anya : Yeah. We went to the prom.
Xander : Yeah, On our one and only date. Second date called on account of snake, remember? And the whole, you used to be a man killing demon thing. Which to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours.
Anya : I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes in my dreams, you're all naked.
Xander : Really. You know if I'm in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart I've had the same one.
Anya : So I can assume a standing Friday night date and a mutual recognition as Prom night as our dating anniversary.
Xander : Anya. Slow down there. In fact, come to a screeching halt. See these things kind of have to develop on their own.
Anya : Okay. How?
Xander : I don't know. It just - happens.
***
Oz : Hey. Hi, hi. Remember Harmony.
Willow : She's back from her summer vacation. And she's a little bit different.
Buffy : Different?
Willow : Paler.
Parker : Is your neck okay?
Buffy : Neck. Paler. The puppy. The angry puppy.
Oz : Yeah, we came to warn you about the - angry puppy.
***
Buffy : Harmony. A vampire? She must be dying without a reflection.
Willow : She just made me so mad. 'My boyfriends gonna beat you up.'
Buffy : 'My boyfriend.'
Willow : Well, if you believe her. She always lied about stuff like that. 'Oh, he goes to another school. You wouldn't know him.'
Oz : Well, Devon dated her for a while, but she was too flaky for him. Which, stop and marvel at the concept.
Buffy : Guy dating Harmony dead. Must be like, the most tolerant guy in the world.
***
Harmony : How's my little Blondie bear?
Spike : Harm, does this look like a good time?
Harmony : Are you gonna kill Willow tonight? Cause I want you to say, 'This is for messing with my sweet girl.' And then, you know.
Spike : Nobody knows I'm here. And I'm not killing the slayer's best friend because that would tend to announce my presence. And we're too bloody close.
Harmony : But you almost killed her last year. Suddenly it's a big deal.?
Spike : SOD OFF! Now go eat something, I've got work to do.
***
Buffy : Spike. And Harmony.
Harmony : Buffy. Hi. What a cute outfit. Last year.
Spike : Well this is interesting. Sort of a double date.
Parker : Looks like your friend started the party a little early, huh?
Spike : So, let's have a look at the new boy.
Parker : Hi, I'm Parker.
Spike : He's got. What's the word? Vulnerability.
Buffy : And you with Harmony. What'd you do? Lose a bet?
***
Buffy : What's the matter Spike? Dru dump you again.
Spike : Maybe I left her.
Harmony : She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days.
***
Harmony : Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike : No.
Harmony : Can I make him a vampire?
Spike : No. On second thought, yes. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
***
Anya : At point the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think it's a workable plan.
Xander : So, the crux of this plan is -
Anya : Sexual intercourse. I've said it like a dozen times.
Xander : Uh, huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here.
Anya : I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face to face for the actual event itself.
Xander : Ah, right. It's just we hardly know each other. I mean I like you. And you have a certain directness that I admire. But sexual interc-- What you're talking about, well--and I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this--but it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences.
Anya : Oh, I have condoms. Some are black.
Xander : That's... that's very considerate.
Anya : I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander : And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith.
***
Anya : So, I'm over you now.
Xander : Um, Ok.
Anya : Okay?!
Xander : Yeah...
***
Harmony : You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike : I love syphilis more than you.
***
Willow : It happened right? Did it happen? With Parker?
Buffy : Yeah, it happened.
Willow : Well, and details. I mean not details. I don't need a diagram. But, you know. Like maybe a blurry watercolor.
Buffy : It was nice. It was really nice. He's going to call.
Willow : I love this part. Don't you love this part. Like when it's all new and everything's a discovery.
Buffy : I don't know. I guess I do.
***
Spike : We're close now. No one leaves the layer till we're in. I don't want the slayer tracking anyone to the tunnel. And that means you too Harmony. You're an indoor kitty now.
Harmony : But Spike, you said you'd take me places. You said we'd go to France and now I can't even leave the lair.
Spike : Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything I came back to Sunnydale for, which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass. Now, when I have the gem, they'll all die, don't worry. But until then, stay inside. And by the way, I would be insanely happy if I heard bugger all, about sodding France.
Harmony : I don't know why I let you be so mean to me.
Spike : Love hurts baby.
***
Xander : Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us.
Oz : I got to admit, I'm a little disappointed.
Giles : I, ah, uh, uh.
Willow : Well maybe it doesn't work. Like a piece of art.
***
Buffy : Parker did I do something wrong?
Parker : Something wrong? No, of course not. It was fun didn't you have fun? Watch out how you answer that. My ego is fragile.
Buffy : You had fun? Was that all it was?
Parker : What else was it supposed to be?
Buffy : It seemed like you liked me.
Parker : I do. But I'm starting to feel like you felt what? Some kind of commitment? Are you sure that's what you want right now?
Buffy : I just thought...
Parker : I'm sorry if you missed something. I thought things were pretty clear.
Buffy : I'm sorry if I miss. I'm sorry.
Parker : Look, I really have to go now.
Buffy : Parker wait. I did this all wrong.
Parker : No, it's cool. We'll hook up later.
Spike : Wow. That was pathetic.
***
Spike : Birds singing, squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels. Sun beaming down in a nice, non-fatal way. It's very exciting, I can't wait to see if I freckle.
***
Anya : Xander. I was looking for you. You weren't in your musty basement.
Xander : Have you seen Buffy?
Anya : No. About what happened. I said I was over you -
Xander : Anya, I don't have time.
***
Giles : Harmony, where's Spike? Has he had the gem?
Harmony : He staked me, then he took it. He tried to take it right off my finger. Like I wouldn't have just given it to him. I would have given him anything he wanted. He was my platinum baby and I loved him.
***
Spike : So, you let Parker take a poke, eh? Didn't seem like you know each other that well. What did it take to pry apart the Slayer's dimpled knees?
Buffy : You're a pig Spike.
Spike : Did he play the sensitive lad and get you to seduce him? That's a good trick if the girls thick enough to buy it. I wonder what you did wrong. Were you too strong? Did you bruise the boy? Whatever, guess you're not worth a second go. Come to think of it seems like someone told me as much. Who was that? Oh, yeah. Angel.
***
Buffy : We don't destroy it.
Giles : Well, Buffy, any vampire that gets his hand on this is going to be essentially unlikable. Oh.
Oz : I have that gig in LA. I could swing by.
Buffy : Thanks Oz.
Xander : What's going on. What's in LA?
Willow : She's giving the ring to Angel. Don't make a fuss.
Giles : Buffy are you sure.
Buffy : He should have it.
***
Buffy : So what I'm wondering is, does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil. God, I'm such a fool.
Willow : Well maybe you made a mistake. But that's okay. Next time - what?
Buffy : Parker said it's okay to make mistakes. It was sweet.
Willow : No it wasn't. He was saying that so you would take a chance and sleep with him. He's a poop head.
Buffy : You're right. He's manipulative and shallow. And why doesn't he want me. Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me you would tell me, right?
Willow : I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.
Buffy : Maybe Parker and I could still work it out. Do you think we could still work it out?
Willow : I think you're missing something about this whole poop head principal.
***
Willow: I’ve got the basics down – levitation, charms, glamours. I just feel like I’ve plateaued wicca-wise.
Buffy: What’s the next level?
Willow: Transmutation, conjuring, bringing forth something from nothing. Gets pretty close to the primal forces. A little scary.
Buffy: Well, no one’s pushing. You know, if it’s too much don’t do it.
Willow: Don’t do it? What kind of encouragement is *that*?
Buffy: This is an ‘encouragement’ talk? I thought it was ‘share my pain’.
Willow: I don’t know. Then again, what is college for if not experimenting? You know, maybe I can handle it. I’ll know when I’ve reached my limit.
Oz : Wine coolers?
Buffy: Magic.
Oz: Ooh, you didn’t encourage her, did you?
Willow: Where is supportive boyfriend guy?
Oz: He’s picking up your dry cleaning, but he told me to tell you that he’s afraid you’re gonna get hurt.
Willow: Okay, Brutus. Brutus – Caesar? Betrayal – trusted friend? Back stabby?
Oz: Oh, I’m with you on the reference, but – I won’t lie about the fact that I worry. I know what it’s like to have power you can’t control. I mean, every time I start to wolf out, I touch something –deep – dark. It’s not fun. But just know that what ever you decide, I back your play.
Buffy: See? Concerned boy, sweet boy.
Willow: I kinda like him - worrying anyway.
***
Giles: Happy Hallow - Hello, Buffy?
Buffy: Oh – my – God.
Giles: It’s a sombrero.
Buffy: And it’s on your head.
Giles: It seemed festive. Uhm, come in. Candy?
Buffy: What’s going on here? You hate Halloween.
Giles: I never said any such a thing. As my Watcher’s duties took precedence, I simply haven’t taken time to – well, to embrace its inherent charms – until now. Look, look! It’s alive! See – how he shakes? - Is – is there something you wanted?
***
Anya: You haven’t called. Not once.
Xander: You said you were over me.
Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that’s what you wanted to hear.
Xander: That’s the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
Anya: That’s stupid.
Xander: I accept that. - I can’t say seeing you falls into the realm of a bad thing.
Anya: Really? - I thought - maybe we could go out tonight, for our anniversary.
Xander: Anniversary?
Anya: It’s been exactly one week since we copulated. - Did you forget?
***
Xander: Oh, yeah, I, ah, invited Anya to join us, but she’s having some trouble finding a scary costume, so she’s just going to meet us there.
Buffy: Perfect, everybody’s got a date but third-wheel Buffy.
Willow: You’re not a third wheel.
Xander: Technically speaking you’re a fifth wheel.
***
Oz: What are we talking about?
Willow: It’s a simple incantation, a guiding spell for travelers when they become lost or disoriented.
Buffy: And how does it work?
Willow: It conjures an emissary from the beyond that – lights the way.
Buffy: Conjuring. Will, let’s be realistic here. Okay, your basic spells are usually only fifty-fifty.
Willow: Oh yeah? Well, - so is your face!
Buffy: What?! What does that mean?
Willow: I’m not your sidekick!
***
Buffy: Will, give me something.
Willow: Okay, uhm, uhm, the icon’s called the-the Mark of Gachnar. I-I think this is a summoning spell for something called...
Xander: Gachnar?
Willow: Well, yes. Somehow the beginning of the spell must have been triggered. Uhm, Gachnar is trying to manifest itself, to-to come into being.
Buffy: How?
Willow: I-it feeds on fear.
Buffy: Our fears are manifesting it. We’re feeding it. We need to stop.
Xander: If we’re close our eyes and say it’s a dream it’ll stab us to death! These things are real.
Rumbling voice: Release me!
Buffy: Okay, so our fears are feeding it, if we get everyone out of here...
Xander: Good plan. Lets go! Giles? Everyone, it’s Giles! With a *chainsaw*. Glad you could make it.
***
Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: Big overture. Little show.
Gachnar: I am the dark lord of nightmares! The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
Willow: He – he’s no cute!
Gachnar: Tremble!
Xander: Who’s a little fear demon? Come on! Who’s a little fear demon!
Giles: Don’t taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why, can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it’s just – tacky. Be that as it may, Buffy, when it comes to slaying...
Buffy: Size doesn’t matter?
***
Anya: What?
Xander: That’s your scary costume?
Anya: Bunnies frighten me.
Giles: Oh, bloody hell. The inscription!
Buffy: What’s the matter?
Giles: I should have translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Buffy: What’s it say?
Giles: Actual size.
***
Buffy: You know maybe, maybe he's just having trouble dealing. I mean, don't guys sometimes put the girl they really, really like inside these deep little brain fantasy bubbles where everything's perfect? They do that right?
Xander: How's that fugue state coming along?
Willow: Parker.
Buffy: Maybe I'm in his bubble and then pretty soon he's going to realize that he wants more than just bubble Buffy and he'll pop me out and we'll go to dinner and it could happen right?
Willow: Buffy. And as my best friend you need to stop thinking about Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud, very unseemly.
Willow: I mean, I'm sorry do be so course but I feel strongly about stinky Parker man.
Buffy: He can be really sweet. I'm telling you I think he had intimacy problems because of the death of his father.
Willow: Not interested. You got troubles, tell em to the bartender.
Xander: That's right. Cause the bartender's always ready to listen.
***
Buffy: Oooh. Riley, I'm so sorry.
Riley: That's okay you know, but most people go around. I'm not saying you can't go through me, It's just that the other is much quicker.
Buffy: In my defense you do take up a lot of space.
Riley: I do. I'm ungainly. You looking for someone?
Buffy: Um, I just saw Parker over there.
Riley: right. Parker and his latest conquest. You know that boy should have his attention span checked.
Buffy: he's kinda a girl chaser huh?
Riley: sets em up and knock's em down. I guess maybe I'm old fashioned but my father says that if you wanna be a gentleman you... don't even care what my father says.
***
Xander: Buffy? Rough day? Wanna tell me about it?
Buffy: It's just . Parker's problem with intimacy turns out to be that he can't get enough of it. And I knew it. I knew what he was. If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent it wouldn't really be like I killed him really.
Xander: Buffy
Buffy: I'm a slut.
Xander: No.
Buffy: Idiot.
Xander: No. You gotta stop being so hard on...
Bartender: Hey
Xander: Sorry, so sorry.
Buffy: I'm better. This has helped.
***
Willow: My name's Veruca. I'm in a band. I'm Oz, I'm in a band too. Oh, and this is Willow. Oh, how fun a groupie. - Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross.
Buffy: TV is a good thing. Bright colours. Music. Tiny little people.
Willow: What did you do with Buffy?
Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of badness.
Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again.
Buffy: No, with four really smart guys.
Willow: Four? Oh. Ow. Oh Buffy, are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?
Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came beer.
Willow: And then group sex?
Buffy: Gutter face. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's nice. Foamy. Comforting. It's just beer.
Willow: Drowning your troubles over Parker. Mind frying man! He deserves a slow and torturous death by spiderbites. Well, for today we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.
***
Xander: It's time to go home Buffy.
Buffy: Want more singing. Want more beer.
Xander: No, I've cut you off.
Buffy: did it hurt?
Xander: Out you go.
***
Parker: Some relationships center on a deep emotional tie. Or a loyal friendship. Or something. But most are just two people passing through life enriching or aggravating each other's lives briefly.
Willow: Go on.
Parker: Just for one night can't two people who feel an attraction come together and create something wonderful? And then go back to their lives the next day better for it but never over analyzing it or wanting it to be more than it was? I have. She should too.
Willow: People like Buffy a-and me assume that intimacy means friendship and respect. People shouldn't have to ask first if you're going to be eyeing other prospects tomorrow.
Parker: People shouldn't have to preface casual sex with “just so you know I'll never grow any older with you.” It takes the fire out of it.
***
Jack: You know I've been taking abuse from snot nosed kids for twenty years. They're always coming in here with their snotty attitude, drinking their fruity little micro brews and spouting out some philosophy like it means a damn thing. Thinking they're different than us.
Xander: They are now.
Jack: They ain't. That's the great thing about beer. It makes all men the same.
Xander: Why are we talking about beer the guys are... the beer?
Jack: Neat huh? My brother-in-law's a warlock. He showed me how to do it.
Xander: No. No neat. I served them that beer. I served Buffy that beer! Uh, how much beer would you say a person would need to consume before they start seriously questing for fire?
Jack: Relax. It will wear off in a day or so.
Xander: In a day or so someone is going to get killed. You're a bad, bad man.
***
Parker: I don't mean this in a bragging way but I do get to know a lot of women.
Willow: Well, getting to know people is good.
Parker: But I haven't found the one yet. I've yet to find the girl that I can just sit with. Feel totally at ease. Spewing whatever's on my mind. Or even sit with comfortably in silence. Willow, can I tell you something kinda private?
Willow: okay, I mean I feel you've shown me a perspective I haven't really thought much about before. What was it you wanted to tell me?
Parker: Just that I've enjoyed talking to you. Here. Tonight.
Willow: Me too. I mean, with you. You know, I'm wondering something. About you.
Parker: What?
Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean with you gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly even to me! You're unbelievable!
***
Parker: What?
Willow: This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting. It's the pleasure principle. That's right I got your number ID boy. The only thing you're thinking about is how long before you can jump on my bones.
Parker: Look, if you think that I'm...
Willow: I mean, you men. It's all about the sex! You find a woman, drag her to your den, do whatever's necessary just as long as you get the sex. I tell you men haven't changed since the dawn of time.
***
Xander: Aha can't find the beer. Good. Freshman girl unable to hold the beer shouldn't have it. Get into trouble. Hey, we're good. Remember the boy? Boy smells good yeah? Is there any part of Buffy still in there?
Xander: Oh no.
Buffy: Fire bad!
***
Buffy: Buffy tired.
Xander: And was there a lesson in all this huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy.
Xander: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think that the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of BEING MEAN TO ME!
Giles: whose van is that?
Xander: I dunno. Wasn't locked.
***
Buffy : Thanks for the relocate. I perform better without an audience. You were thinking, what, a little helpless coed before bed? You know very well, you eat this late... You're gonna get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn? That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns. I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying. I mean, you could make a little effort here, you know? Give me something to work with.
Spike : Watch your mouth, little girl. You should know better than to tempt the fates that way. 'Cause the big bad is back, And this time, it's...
***
Willow : The bronze is more fun this year, isn't it?
Buffy : 'Cause of the gloating factor alone, you know? We're all about college now. We've got heady discourse.
Oz : Yeah. Curfew-free nights of mom and popless hootenanny.
Xander : Coed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous. What? I can dream.
Buffy : Right. So if college is so great, what are we doing here and why is it more fun?
Willow : Because the bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blanky.
Oz : I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blanky.
Willow : Aw, you're my my person blanky. This is my place blanky. You know, with all the shock of the new, it's nice to have one place that you can come back to where everything's predictable.
Giles : Hello.
Buffy : Giles, trouble?
Giles : Oh, no, Buffy. Don't get up. No. Nothing like that. No, I just, you know, I thought I'd drop by. Uh, latte anyone? On me?
Buffy : So much for your predictable blanky theory, Will. Sorry.
Giles: Splendid. Well, it's ages since I've been to a gig. Well, don't look that way. I'm...I'm...I'm down with the new music. And I have the albums to prove it.
Buffy : Yes, but it's your cutting edge 8-tracks that keep you ahead of the scene.
Oz : Don't scoff, gang. I've seen Giles' collection. He was an animal in his day.
Giles : Thank you.
Buffy : Hey, why not? If the stones can still keep rolling, why can't Giles?
Giles : Exactly.
Willow : I think it's brave that you're here.
Giles : Well, thank you, all. You've made me feel right at home.
Xander : Isn't home that empty place you're trying to escape?
Giles : Oh, yeah.
***
Willow : Mm... It's in the sandblaster. Uh...
Oz : What's in the sandblaster, Will? It's a dream. Come back to me.
Willow : Mmm...Hmm... All geminis to the raspberry hats.
Oz : Now you're faking.
Willow : Am not. Just a little.
Oz : Morning.
Willow : Morning.
Oz : Bad dream?
Willow : I guess. But the waking up part makes up for it.
Oz : It's always so busy in there.
Willow : Not always. A few things shut my brain up completely.
Oz : Anything I can help you with?
Willow : I gotta get to class right now, but tonight for sure.
Oz : I don't know about tonight, unless the extreme jerry garcia look turns you on.
Willow : Huh?
Oz : Night before the full moon.
Willow : Oh, that's right. And I have a thing. There's this wicca group on campus I wanted to check out. They have orientation on the 3 nights you're wolfy. And it's probably totally silly, but--
Oz : No. Go. Show 'em how it's done.
Willow : Are you sure? You can lock yourself up? It's only this one month. After orientation, they meet on different nights.
Oz : I'll be fine.
Willow : Ok. As long as you don't mind.
Oz : The only thing I mind is being away from you for 3 nights.
***
Willow : Are you ok? How'd you do? This is good. I mean, this is excellent. You did better than me. This is so unfair! You made me jealous of you academically. Buffy!
Buffy : I know. Can you believe it?
Willow : Wow. I guess professor Walsh isn't so ogrey after all.
Buffy : And she wants me to lead a discussion group next class. That means more work, right? Shouldn't she have a better reward system? You know, like a cookie or a toy surprise like at the dentist?
Willow : She wants you to lead a discussion group? Ok. Jealous again. Jealous, jealous-- ok. I'm back.
***
Buffy : Check out the rapid exits. Was it me?
Willow : Me. I don't speak musicianese. How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
Buffy : I thought that was the point.
Willow: He thinks she's sexy. He gets this blushy thing going on behind his ears. That's for me only.
Buffy : It doesn't mean anything. So Oz checks out another girl. He loves you.
Willow : I know. I--I know. And I don't wanna be the kind of girl who freaks every time my boyfriend notices somebody else. I mean, I have wrong feelings about other guys sometimes, but I feel guilty, and I flog and punish.
Buffy : Exactly. I'm sure Oz is flogging and punishing himself. This is sounding wrong before I even finish. Look, I promise you, in a couple of days, it's gonna be like "veruca who?"
Willow : You think?
Buffy : Absolutely. Oz just isn't the type to stray. Not tonight anyways. He'll be locked in a cage.
***
Oz : That was, um...
Veruca : Some night.
Oz : So it appears.
Veruca : Right. You don't remember. It's like that at first, but then little bits and pieces will start coming back to you.
Oz : So you're a...
Veruca : Werewolf groupie. Nobody else gets it done for me.
Oz : What?
Veruca : Kidding. You know what I am. You've known since the first time you saw me. Now, you... Need...To relax.
Oz : Not a possibility.
***
Oz : I'm going. I gotta check the paper, see if we did any damage last night.
Veruca : Oh, we did. But only to each other. I know some part of you remembers that. It doesn't take a full moon. We could...Do it again right here.
Oz : We aren't going to. This ends... Right now.
Veruca : I can help you, Oz. You're scared. I was, too. But then I accepted it. The animal, it's powerful, inside me all the time. Soon, you just start to feel sorry for everybody else because they don't know what it's like to be as alive as we are. As free.
Oz : Free to kill people? I won't do that. You shouldn't.
Veruca : You don't understand. But you will. You'll see that we belong together.
Oz : No. I know where I belong.
Veruca : See ya tonight.
***
Willow : Hey... I'm sorry if I was weird yesterday with you and Veruca.
Oz : I didn't notice anything.
Willow : Really? 'Cause I felt all spazzy.
Oz : No.
Willow : Oh. Good. So it was just me worrying for nothing again. Me and my busy head always thinking, thinking, thinking.
Oz : Well, now you can stop everything's fine.
Willow : Maybe you could help me...Stop. I'd really, really appreciate anything you could do.
Oz : What?
Willow : What's wrong?
Oz : Uh...Sorry. I...
Willow : You don't want to?
Oz :It's not that. I do. I just... I didn't get any sleep, I guess. I'm really beat.
Willow : Right. Busy wolf night. I get it. It's totally ok.
Oz : Willow, you don't have to--
Willow : No. I--I should. I don't have much time. See you later.
***
Xander : So, I know why I'm sitting in a dank, sunless little room. But why are you?
Willow : Well, things with Oz are weird. And I talked to Buffy about it, but I think we're in guyville here. I need a translator from the "y" side of things.
Xander : Well, last time I checked, I had the creds. Hit me.
Willow : What does it mean when a girl wants to... You know.
Xander : If you're doin' it, I think you should be able to say it.
Willow : Make love.
Xander : Wild monkey love or tender Sarah Mclachlan love?
Willow : Any kind. But what if the girl wants to and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?
Xander : Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the 7 annual minutes he's legitimately too preoccupied to do it.
Willow : Well, say the girl's been noticing--
Xander : Will, I've deciphered your ingenious code.
Willow : Ok. Say I've been noticing Oz notice someone else. A woman.
Xander : And is this chick noticing back?
Willow : Most definitely.
Xander : Well... Have you asked Oz about it?
Willow : Well, I thought about it, but then he'll think I'm all jealous and worry.
Xander : But you are. And odds are, he feels it. I'll bet that's all there is to the weird you're feeling. You guys should talk things out, Wll. You'll both feel better.
***
Veruca : So you're saying I should spend the whole night with you... Alone... Locked in a cage.
Oz : You'll be safe.
Veruca : Not from you. Isn't that the point of this cozy little arrangement? It's coming. Do you feel it? It's like blood boiling.
Oz : I feel it.
Veruca : I've wanted you even before I ever saw you. I sensed you. Did you sense me?
Oz : Come in here.
Veruca : Did you?
***
Oz : Willow...
Willow : Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oz : I know what you saw. It wasn't-- I had to. I had to lock her in there with me.
Willow : I bet.
Oz : She's like me. A wolf.
Willow : Well, I knew you two had a lot in common, but... Don't touch me!
Oz : She was gonna hurt somebody. I didn't have a choice.
Willow : But you did. You could've told somebody. Your solution... Just put you two together in a room all night?
Veruca : Girl's got a point.
Oz : Leave.
Veruca : I'm just saying--
Oz : Now! (To Willow) I'm sorry. I know.
Willow : I knew, you jerk. And you sat there, and you told me everything was fine? And that's as bad as... As...
Oz : I know how it feels. I remember.
Willow : Oh. So what, this is payback? I had this coming?
Oz : No. It's not--
Willow : Because I thought that was behind us. And you know, what happened with Xander, it doesn't compare. Not with what you and I had. Not with whatever you've been doing with her.
Oz : I don't know what Veruca and I have done. When I change, it's like, it's like I'm gone and the wolf takes over.
Willow : But before this, when you were regular Oz, you had feelings for her, didn't you?
Oz : No. I could sense something, but...
Willow : But you wanted her... Like in an animal way? Like...More than you wanted me?
Oz : Willow!
***
Veruca : Can't say I'm surprised you didn't go through with your little hex. You don't have the teeth.
Willow : You don't know what I have. You don't know anything about me.
Veruca : I know what you love. I have his scent on me right now.
Oz : Don't touch her again.
Veruca : Come stop me. I like it rough, remember?
Oz : You wanna hurt me, hurt me. You leave her out of this.
Veruca : How can I? She's the reason you're living in cages. She's blinding you. When she's gone, you'll be able to admit what you are.
Oz : You don't wanna find out what I am.
Veruca : You're an animal. Animals kill.
Oz : You're right. We kill.
***
Giles : You saved Willow.
Buffy : Right now she wishes I hadn't. Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words.
Giles : You've... You've felt that way yourself, And you got through it.
Buffy : Yeah. I ran away and went to hell and then got through it. I'm kind of hoping she doesn't use me as a model.
Giles : Fair enough.
Buffy : I just don't know how they're gonna deal with this.
***
Willow : What are you doing?
Oz : I'm going.
Willow : Now?
Oz : Mm-hmm.
Willow : That's your solution?
Oz : That's my decision.
Willow : Don't I get any say in this?
Oz : No. Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you... Or anybody.
Willow : Well, that could be a problem 'cause people... Kind of a planetary epidemic.
Oz : I'll find someplace.
Willow : Well, how long?
Oz : I don't know.
Willow : Oz... Don't you love me?
Oz : My whole life... I've never loved anything else.
Willow : Oz... Oh, god. Oz...
***
Forrest : How are you gonna learn anything if you keep doing schoolwork? Oh...Check her out. Is she hot, or is she hot?
Riley : She's buffy.
Forrest : Buffy? I like that. That girl's so hot, she's buffy.
Riley : It's her name, Forrest.
Forrest : You've established first contact? Excellent. What do you think of her?
Riely : I haven't really thought about what I think of her.
Forrest : A girl that cute in the face, and you form no opinion?
Riley : No, I mean, She's all right, I guess. She's just kind of... I don't know. Peculiar.
Forrest : Peculiar? Hi. Hey, graham, what do you think of the blonde chick? Mattressable, n'est pas? Riley's not down. Doesn't like her.
Riley : I don't dislike her. She just-- she never feels like she's really there when you talk to her. I like girls I can get a grip on.
Forrest : I bet you do.
Riley : Not that way. Just a little less ready for takeoff all the time. There's definitely something off about her.
Graham : Maybe she's canadian.
***
Willow : Riley. I notice you left off a name today in roll call. Osbourne, Daniel Osbourne, Oz?
Riley : He's not in this class anymore. I hear he dropped out.
Willow : Oh, well you heard way wrong then. I mean, he's not gone. He--he left temporarily to work out a few things. I know that sounds lame in its vagueness, but I assure you, Oz will be back.
Walsh: Not to my class, he won't. An educated guess. You know the rules, you know I hate exceptions, and yet somehow you feel your exception is exceptional.
Willow : Oh, but--
Walsh : It is. To you. But since I'm neither a freshman nor a narcissist, I have to consider the whole class. If your friend can't respect my schedule, I think it's best he not come back.
Buffy : You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Walsh : It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy : You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job.
***
Riley : I can't believe that I did that.
Forrest : Welcome to the club. Do you have any idea how much trouble you could have gotten into? If parker reported you--
Graham : He won't, he's too embarrassed.
Riley : I hit him.
Forrest : What the hell for?
Riley : He--he was just being so crude.
Forrest : Please. You've heard me say much grosser things than that.
Riley : And most of those are about your own mother.
Forrest : What is it?
Riley : I just didn't like hearing him talk about buffy that way. I think I... Well, I guess I like her.
Forrest : You're kind of like a moron.
Riley : So, you... You knew that I had feelings for her.
Forrest : Everybody knows, man. Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy.
Riley : I'm always the last to know.
Forrest : So, whatcha gonna do?
Riley : Well, I guess I'm gonna go see a girl.
***
Willow : What's up?
Riley : Right to the point, ok. I was thinking of asking out Buffy.
Willow : She's not here.
Riley : I know. See, I don't know that much about Buffy. But I'm interested in what she likes, and so far, well, the only thing that I know she likes is you.
Willow : What--what do you want me to do?
Riley : Just tell me something. Anything. Just give me a clue to-- Here, let me help you with that. Just something that will start us talking, you know? I'm thinking that "how 'bout them broncos" won't really cut it.
Willow : Ok, say that I help, and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops, And it feels like the whole world's made for you two, and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow, mockery of the human condition.
Riley : Yep, that's the plan.
Willow : I figured it was.
Riley : Oh. Look, if you want to tell me to go to hell, that's ok. Maybe this is the last thing you want to talk about. I just feel that, well, I've never courted anyone like Buffy before. I don't think I've ever met anyone like Buffy before.
Willow : Why should I trust you?
Riley : Just sort of hoping you'd think I have an honest face.
Willow : I've seen host faces before. They usually come attached to liars.
Riley : All right. I guess I'm not gonna win, here. And I appreciate you wanting to protect your friend. I guess, uh, she kind of brings that out in people.
Willow : She likes cheese.
Riley : What?
Willow: Well, I'm not saying it's the key to her heart, but Buffy... She likes cheese.
Riley : That's a start.
Willow : She has a stuffed piggy named Mr. Gordo, loves ice capades without the irony, and she's dragging me to this party tonight at lowell house.
Riley : Oh, you're going? That's my house. I live there.
Willow : Well, it'll give you a chance to interact, but don't get fresh.
Riley : Fresh? I don't even know if we like each other yet. Hey, does she ever talk about me? Like, has she ever said...
Willow : Sorry.
Riley : That's discouraging. Still, I feel like I have a fighting chance with my new accomplice.
Willow : I'm not your accomplice.
Riley : No, no. Of course not.
Willow : I'm not.
Riley : You're not.
Willow : We're clear.
Riley : We're clear.
***
Willow : Ok, she's wearing the halter top with sensible shoes. That means mostly dancing, light contact, But don't push your luck. Heavy conversation's out of the question.
Riley : So what do I do?
Willow : Ask her to dance.
Riley : Right. Dance. Wait. No.
Willow : What's the matter?
Riley : I can't dance.
Willow : Then talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.
***
Riley : The problem is, what kind of girl is gonna go out with a guy who's acting all joe regular by day and then turns all demon-hunter by night?
Graham: Maybe a peculiar one.
***
Willow : Come in. Spike! Wh-what do you want? Uh, a spell? I can do that.
Spike : I'll give you a choice. Now I'm gonna kill you. No choice in that. But... I can let you stay dead... Or... Bring you back, to be like me.
Willow : I--I'll scream.
Spike : Bonus.
***
Spike : I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Willow : Maybe you were nervous.
Spike : I felt all right when I started. Let's try again. Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!
Willow : Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike : Not to me, it doesn't!
Willow : It's me, isn't it?
Spike : What are you talking about?
Willow : Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I--I... You didn't want to bite me. I just happened to be around.
Spike : Piffle!
Willow : I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "ooh, you're like a sister to me," or, "oh, you're such a good friend."
Spike : Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow : Really?
Spike : Thought about it.
Willow : When?
Spike : Remember last year, you had on that... Fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
Willow : I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
Spike : Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fang-y and "rrrr!" Takes the mystery out.
Willow : But if you could...
Spike : If I could, yeah.
Willow : You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike : Don't patronize me.
***
Riley : The implant works. Hostile 17 can't harm any living creature, In any way, without intense neurological pain.
***
Buffy : Uh, last night... At the party, You wanted to tell me something?
Riley : Oh, yeah. Very important stuff. I don't remember any of it now. But you would have been fascinated, possibly even moved. Did Willow tell you I like cheese?
Buffy : You're a little peculiar.
Riley : I can live with that.
***
Willow : What a load of horse hooey.
Buffy : We have a counterpoint?
Willow : Yeah. Thanksgiving isn't about blending of two cultures. It's about one culture wiping out another. And then they make animated specials about the part where, with the maize and the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene, where all the bison die and Squanto takes a musket ball in the stomach.
Buffy : Ok. Now, for some of that, you were channeling your mother?
Willow : Well, yeah, sort of. That's why she doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving or Columbus Day-- You know, the destruction of the indigenous peoples. I know it sounds a little overwrought, but really, she's...She's right.
Buffy : Yeah. I guess I never really thought about it that way. With mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's just as well.
Anya : Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy : It's not really a one of those.
Anya : To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice, with pie.
***
Anya : What's she doing? Xander said he was going to dig. I want to see Xander dig.
Buffy : That part's just ceremonial.
Anya : Well, it bites. She's not rippling at all. Oh. Look, there he goes. Look at him.
Willow : Very...Diggy.
Anya : Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again.
Buffy : Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.
***
Xander : I'm going now. Just...Kinda tough getting going today.
Anya : Your head is moist. Oh! You're sick. Well, you can't go to work.
Xander : Uh. Oh. Anya?
Anya : You're pasty and wet and disgusting. They can dig without you.
Xander : Look-- I don't really feel that bad.
Anya : I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, and you look like you're getting all of them.
Xander : Ok. I'll stay. But you should go. You could catch it.
Anya : We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off.
Xander : You're a strange girlfriend.
Anya : I'm a girlfriend?
Xander : Uh...There's a chance I'm delirious.
Anya : Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far, I like it.
***
Giles : I'm glad that you're watching out for her, but I feel I should remind you that she's not helpless and it's not your job to keep her safe.
Angel : It's not yours anymore, either. Are you going to walk away?
Giles : All right. But I feel we should tell her. I don't like keeping this secret.
Angel : No. If she knew I was here, it was distract her. It could get her hurt. I don't want to get in the way.
***
Giles : It's not fair. You know that's what she'd say. You can see her, but she can't see you?
Angel : Believe me, I'm not getting the good half of this deal. To be on the outside looking in at what I can't... Well, I'd forgotten how bad it feels.
***
Angel : I'm not evil. I'm here to help Buffy.
Willow : What's going on?
Angel : My friend had a vision. Buffy's in danger.
Willow : So tell her. Help her.
Angel : If she sees me, it'll be worse.
Willow : See, I don't get that, all this "leaving for her own good" garbage. Because that's what it is. You can't just give up because there's obstacles. What kind--
Angel : Willow.
Willow : Sorry. My stuff.
Angel : You know how I feel about her. If there was any way...
Willow : Yeah. I know.
Angel : It's just...Everything's different now.
Willow : Hey, is Cordelia really working for you? 'Cause that's gotta be a special experience. Of all the people you could've hired.
Angel : Willow, I'm here to protect Buffy. I don't have a whole lot of time for personal stuff.
Willow : Right. Well, how can I help?
Angel : Well, if you can just tell me... Who's that guy?
***
Willow : Are you sure we shouldn't be helping him?
Giles : No, I think perhaps we won't help the angry spirit with his rape and pillage and murder.
Willow : Well, okay, no, but we should be helping him redress his wrongs. Bring the atrocities to light.
Giles : If the history books are full of them, I'd say they already are.
Willow : Giving his land back.
Giles : It's not exactly ours to give.
Willow : I don't think you wanna help. I think you just wanna slay the demon, then go-- La la la
***
Buffy : Didn't you say the Chumash got all diseased when they were all holed up in the mission?
Willow : Yeah. This has a better account of everything. It lists the various--
Xander : Various? As in...
Willow : Well, the important thing is not to panic.
Xander : You just recited the mystical panic-causing incantation, so little hope there. Let's talk about the various.
Willow : Well, they did suffer from malaria, some smallpox--
Anya : I was gonna say smallpox.
Willow : You know, syphilis, but basically--
Xander : Syphilis?
Willow : Well, but this is probably mystical, and it'll all go away as soon as--
Xander : As soon as what?
Willow : We still don't know what we're gonna do. Well, maybe I can find something.
Giles : Let's give him some land. I'm sure that'll clear everything right up.
Willow : Sarcasm accomplishes nothing, giles.
Giles : It's sort of an end in itself.
Xander : Can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?
Anya : It'll make you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will.
Willow : Maybe there's a wiccan spell that can cure it. Something regular medicine doesn't know. Ooh, there was a potion. Sage, salt...Onion?
Buffy : That's the stuffing.
Xander : Oh, god.
Anya : Uh, you're gonna get vesicles and pustules. They have pictures.
Xander : I hate this guy.
Willow : He's just doing what was done to him.
Xander : I didn't give him syphilis.
Giles : No, but you freed his spirit, and after a century of unrest, he saw you as one of his oppressors.
Xander : What, so he rises up and infects the first guy he sees? That's no fair.
Willow : Like you've never woken up cranky?
Giles : But why the others? Why them particularly?
Xander : So we take this guy out. Buffy, it is for to be slaying sometime soon, yeah?
Buffy : That's sort of the question before the court.
Xander : Question?
Willow : There are two sides to it.
Xander : Slaying him? The representative from syphilis votes yea.
***
Spike : Help me. Ohh! What part of help me do you not understand?
Buffy : The part where I help you.
Spike : Come on, I'm parboiling out here.
Buffy : Want me to help make it quicker?
Spike : Invite me in.
Buffy : No.
Giles : It's fairly unlikely.
Spike : Oh, damn it! Look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, tell' em what I did.
Willow : You said you were gonna kill me, then Buffy.
Spike : Yes, bad, but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you.
Willow : It's true. He had trouble performing.
Spike : Yeah, well, it looks like they've done me for good. Um...
Buffy : What are you saying?
Spike : I'm saying that spike had a little trip to the vet and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore. I can't bite anything. I can't even hit people.
Buffy : So you haven't murdered anybody lately? Let's be best pals.
Spike : I've got information. About the soldier boys you were fighting. Got the inside scoop. Come on, what have you got to be afraid of?
***
Spike : Bloody hell, woman. You're cuttin' off my circulation.
Buffy : You don't have any circulation.
Spike : Well, it pinches.
Buffy : Get used to it. I have more important things to worry about.
Spike : I came to you in friendship. Well, all right, seething hatred, but I've got useful information, and I feel I'm being mistreated.
Buffy : So tell me everything you know.
Spike : I'm too hungry to remember everything.
Buffy : Then sit.
***
Willow : Buffy, this isn't a western. We're not at fort...Giles with the cavalry coming to save us. It's one lonely guy. Oppressed warrior guy who's just trying to...
Buffy : Kill a lot of people?
Willow : I didn't say he was right.
Buffy : Will, you know how bad I feel about this. It's eating me up-- (To Anya) 1/4 Cup of brandy and let it simmer-- (To Willow) But even though it's hard, we have to end this. Yes, he's been wronged, And I personally would be ready to apologize--
Spike : Oh, someone put a stake in me.
Xander : You got a lot of volunteers in here.
Spike : I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Buffy : Uh, the preferred term--
Spike : You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world isn't people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Buffy : Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of-- Not that I don't like spaniards.
Spike : Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
Willow : We don't wanna fight anyone.
Buffy : I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
Spike : Yeah...Good luck.
Willow : If we could talk to him--
Spike : You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander : Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... Some of that made sense.
Giles : I made these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me.
***
Anya : I'll go.
Xander : Me, too.
Buffy : Sure you're up to it?
Spike : Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
***
Xander : Well, that was a waste of time.
Willow : I think he thought we were crazy.
Xander : Maybe if Anya hadn't opened the conversation with, "Everybody got both ears?"
Anya : I liked his wife. She gave me pie.
***
Buffy : A bear!
Spike : You made a bear!
Buffy : I didn't mean to.
Spike : Undo it! Undo it!
***
Buffy : Wasn't exactly a perfect Thanksgiving.
Xander : I don't know. Seemed kinda right to me. A bunch of anticipation, a big fight, and now we're all sleepy.
Giles : And we did all survive.
Buffy : I guess that much is true.
Buffy : First Thanksgiving on my own, and we all got through it.
Xander : And you know what? I think my syphilis is clearing right up.
Buffy : And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wish it.
Willow : Well, maybe we started a new tradition this year. Maybe not. But at least we all worked together. It was like old times.
Xander : Yeah, especially with Angel being here and everything.
***
Riley: Oh, hey, you know how we were talking about having a picnic? I was thinkin' — do you ever hang out at Rhode's field? It's beautiful there. Usually not that crowded, either. I thought maybe we could have a little spread — sandwiches, maybe some ants? It'll be fun.
Buffy: We were talking about having a picnic?
Riley: So, was that a conversation I actually had, or one I was just practicing?
Buffy: Practicing?
Riley: Okay, yes — I have been known to do a little prep work before our conversations. It's not easy, you know, talking to you sometimes. It's like an oral exam.
Buffy: Boy.. that's just what every girl longs to hear.
Riley: Well, you're tricky!
Buffy: Like an exam?
Riley: I never know how you're going to react to something. That's why I like you so much. You're a mystery. Probably every beautiful girl in the world has some jerk telling her she's a mystery, but... I swear. You really are. There's a lot about you that needs puzzling out.
Riley: I lose you somewhere?
Buffy: Right around... beautiful.
***
Willow: So he's nice?
Buffy: Very, very.
Willow: And there's sparkage?
Buffy: Yeah. He's— have you seen his arms? Those are good arms to have. I really like him. I do.
Willow: But..?
Buffy: I don't know. I really like being around him, you know? And I think he cares about me.. but.. I just.. feel like something's missing.
Willow: He's not making you miserable?
Buffy: Exactly. Riley seems so solid. Like he wouldn't cause me heartache.
Willow: Get out. Get out while there's still time.
Buffy: I know.. I have to get away from that bad boy thing. There's no good there. Seeing Angel in LA.. even for five minutes.. hello to the pain.
Willow: The pain is not a friend.
Buffy: But I can't help thinking — isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but.. part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting. I wonder where I get that from.
***
Buffy: Okay, that's it. The invalid amnesiac routine is over. The kitchen is closed until you can tell me something useful about the commandos.
Spike: I'm tryin' to remember. It was very traumatic.
Buffy: How long are you going to pull this crap?
Spike: How long am I going to live once I tell you?
Giles: Look, look, Spike — we have no intention of killing a harmless.. uh, creature.. but we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're .. impotent —
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy.
Buffy: Giles, help! He's going to scold me. You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for ya.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinkin' pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagut's Guide.
Buffy: You want something nicer? Look at my.. poor neck. All bare and tender and exposed.. all that blood just .. pumping away..
Giles: Oh, please.
Spike: Giles, make her stop.
Giles: If those two don't kill eachother, I might lend a hand.
***
Spike: "Passions" is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll—
Giles: You'll do what? Lick me to death?
***
Spike: Hey! Watch it!
Buffy: One more word out of you, and I swear...
Spike: Swear, what? You're not gonna do anything to me. You don't got the stones.
Buffy: Oh, I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of .. stones.
Spike: Yeah? You're all talk.
Buffy: GILES! I accidentally killed Spike. That's okay, right?
***
Willow: Spike's more important than me. I get it.
Xander: Buffy's gotta find out what's up with those commandos. Right now she needs Spike.
Willow: Well, fine. Why doesn't so just go marry him?
***
Buffy: It's just so sudden. I don't know what to say.
Spike: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
Buffy: Oh, Spike! Of course it's yes! Giles! You'll never believe what's happened!
***
Xander: Willow, I know it's hard to see it right now, but everything you're feeling is because of you and Oz. Not because of Buffy and me or anybody. But eventually you'll meet somebody else, and it'll be better.
Willow: Yeah, ‘cause most relationships are great and trouble-free. I don't think so. I think we're all doomed to badness.
Xander: We're not doomed.
Willow: Oh, yeah? Let's-let's look at your bio. Insect Lady, Mummy Girl, Anya.. You're a demon magnet.
***
Buffy: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception..
Spike: Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding.
Buffy: How 'bout a daytime ceremony. In the park.
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight, only.
Spike: Warm breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again — you're registering as Mr and Mrs Big-Pile-of-Dust.
Buffy: Stop it! This is our wedding and you're treating it like a big joke!
Spike: Oh, pouty! Look at that lip.. gonna get it.. gonna get it..
Buffy: Oh.. stop..
Giles: Yes, please stop.
Buffy: Giles, did you see my ring?
Giles: Thankfully, not very well.
Buffy: I'm not crazy, and I know that you probably don't approve, and my father's not that far away, I mean, he could— but this day is about family — my real family — and I would like you to be the one to give me away.
Giles: Oh, Buffy! That's.. that's so.. Oh! For God's sake! This is nonsense. Something is making you act this way. Don't you realize what you're doing?
Buffy: Living a dream.
Spike: He's gonna have to take a bit of time to get used to it, pet.
Buffy: They all will. But you guys wern't crazy about Angel at first, either.
Spike: You wern't gonna say that name.
Buffy: Sorry. Why don't we talk about where we're going to register.
Spike: Well, where would Angel like to register? And can we have the photographer Angel would've wanted? And, flowers Angel would have liked?
Buffy: Hey! You think I don't live with the shadow of Drusilla over my head? That I'm not wondering if you're going to be thinking of her on our honeymoon when you're making.. sweet love to me..?
***
Buffy: Riley..
Riley: Buffy?
Buffy: I really like you. I hope you know that you mean a lot to me, and if things were different—
Riley: Different than what?
Buffy: I want you to promise me that we can always be friends, and I'd really like you to be there on "The Day".
Riley: The day when..
Buffy: The wedding!
Riley: The wedding. What wedding?
Buffy: My wedding! I'm getting married — can you believe it?
Riley: I don't think "no" is a strong enough word.
Buffy: I know! It's crazy! I mean, we fought for all these years, and then.. Sometimes you just look at someone, and you know.. You know?
Riley: No..
Buffy: I think maybe we fought because we couldn't admit how we really felt about eachother.
Riley: Can we start again?
Buffy: You'll really like him. Well, nobody really likes him..
Riley: I just need to clear a few things up..
Buffy: I don't even really like him..
Riley: Buffy..
Buffy: But.. I love him. I do.
Riley: Who?
Buffy: What?
Riley: What's his name?
Buffy: Who?
Riley: The groom.
Buffy: Spike!
Riley: That's a name?
Buffy: Don't be mad.
Riley: I'm not mad!
Buffy: No, you are mad!
Riley: No, I am! Er.. I really.. Wow. Who is this guy? Does he go here?
Buffy: Spike? Oh, no.. He's totally old.
Riley: Old.
Buffy: Well, not as old as my last boyfriend was.
Riley: Okay.. It's late.. and I'm, I'm very tired now. So, I'm just gonna go far away and be.. away.
Buffy: But—
Riley: No, stay.
Buffy: You're ruining my happy day.
***
Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be William the Bloody, or just Spike? ‘Cause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Where as the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with Buffy?
Giles: Huh.. Such a good question.
Spike: Well, it's a terrible name.
Buffy: My mother gave me that name.
Spike: Your mother, yeah, she's a genius.
Buffy: Don't you start in on my mother.
***
Buffy: Xander, calm down, okay? If you lost them, that'll give us some time to figure this out. Maybe the demons have something to do with Giles being blind.
Anya: Giles is blind?
Giles: Please stop whatever you're doing. You smell like fruit roll-ups.
Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
Buffy: Spike's right. We really should get organized.
Anya: Why are you holding hands?
Spike: They have to hear it sooner or later..
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Spike: What are you lookin' at?
Buffy: The man I love.
Xander: Can I be blind, too? Wait.. married.. I know something.. what is it..? Everything's so familiar.. Work, brain — work! Oh! Oh oh! Willow!
Buffy: Mm..what about Will.. Mmm, honey, get off.
Xander: Something about Willow and her griefy-poor-me mood swings — so, so tired of it.
Anya: You mean I don't have to be nice about her anymore?
Buffy: Well, we're all tired of it, but what does it have to do with what's going on?
Xander: She told me I was a demon magnet, a-and you two should get married.
Giles: And.. that I didn't see anything.
Buffy: She did a spell.
Giles: Yes.. to have her will done. Whatever she says is coming true.
Buffy: And you both were effected. I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah. Right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for eachother.
Buffy: Xander.
Spike: That's it — you're off the usher list.
***
Spike: They're strong, and I can't fight. If they get in, I don't know if I can protect you.
Buffy: You think you have to protect me?
Spike: Oh, not with the Girl-Power bit!
***
Willow: Eat a cookie; ease my pain?
Buffy: Mm. Better?
Willow: Well, baking lifts about 30% of my guilt, but only 7% of my inner turmoil. Guess that'll just take awhile.
Buffy: It'll happen.
Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Spike: Yeah.. well I'm not the one who wanted, "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
Buffy: That was the spell.
Willow: Did I mention about the sorry part?
Buffy: We may be into a forgetting spell later. I loved him. He were betrothed.
Willow: Well, at-at least you were getting along.
Buffy: But we weren't. I mean, I wasn't even nice. And the bad-boy thing — over it. Okay, I totally get it. I'd be really happy to be in a nice relationship with a decent, reliable.. Oh my God! Riley thinks I'm engaged.
Willow: What?
Buffy: Riley. He-he-he saw me. What the hell am I going to say?!
***
Buffy: You thought I was serious?
Riley: Well, no.. um.. you wern't serious?
Buffy: Oh, God.. please. I'm marrying a guy named Spike?
Riley: Maybe. We haven't known eachother that long.
Buffy: No, it's just.. I saw that fear in your eyes when you caught me looking at wedding dresses, and I had to give you a hard time.
Riley: I did not have fear in my eyes.
Buffy: Yes you did. You were looking at me like I was a cartoon ball and chain.
Riley: So you decided to tell me you're getting married.
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Riley: So, you're insane.
Buffy: Uh-huh!
Riley: But you're still single.
Buffy: Yes.
Riley: Okay, then. Just another little piece of the Buffy puzzle.
Buffy: You really have a lot to learn about women, Riley.
Riley: You're gonna teach me.
***
Little Girl : (Singing) "Can't even shout; Can't even cry; The gentlemen are coming by; Looking in windows; Knocking on doors; They need to take seven and they might take yours; Can't call to mom; can't say a word; You're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard."
***
Willow: Man that was an exciting class, huh?
Buffy: Oh yeah well
Willow: And the last twenty minutes was a revelation - just laid out everything we need to know for the final - I'd hate to have missed that.
Buffy: Just tell me I didn't snore.
Willow: Very discreet, minimal drool.
***
Riley: So what have you got going on for tonight?
Buffy: Oh, patrolling.
Riley: Patrolling?
Buffy: Ah, petroleum.
Riley: Petroleum?
Buffy: Uh huh.
Riley: Tonight you have crude oil.
Buffy: And homework. What about you?
Riley: Oh you know grading papers.
Buffy: Ah, that'll be fun.
Riley: Not petroleum fun but it passes the time.
***
Giles: Have you heard of a group called the gentlemen?
Spike: Group of what?
Giles: The gentlemen.
Spike: Dunno.
Giles: You certain?
Spike: No. We're out of Weetabix.
Giles: We are out of Weetabix because you ate it all - again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yep. Well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood - give it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means I will never touch food of any kind again you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.
***
Xander: I don't get what this is coming from.
Anya: Well, what am I supposed to think?
Xander: Well, How could you say I'm using you?
Anya: You don't care about what I think, you don't ask about my day.
Xander: You really did turn into a real girl didn't you?
Anya: See! You make jokes during my pain. You don't care about me at all.
. Xander: I care about you.
Anya: How much? What do I mean to you?
Xander: I... we, you know we spend... we'll talk about it later.
Anya: Well I think we should talk about it now.
Giles: Thank you for knocking.
Xander: If you don't know how I feel about...
Anya: I don't. This isn't a relationship you don't need me, all you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay... remember how we talked about private conversations and how they're less private when they're in front of my friends.
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.
Anya: This is important.
Giles: But why is it here?
Xander: Mom said you wanted me to swing by.
Giles: Oh, oh yes, well I meant uh after sunset, um, I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not staying with him!
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Xander: He's not roaming around - he stays with me he's gonna get tied up again.
Anya: What about us, our romantic evening?
Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away.
***
Spike: I don't see why I have to be tied up.
Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
Spike: Like I'd bite you anyway.
Xander: Oh you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: Alright, yeah fine you're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.
Spike: (Imitating Anya's voice) Xander, don't you care about me?
Xander: Shut up!
Spike: We never talk.
Xander: Shut up!
Spike: Xaaannnder.
Xander: Shut up!
***
Riley: I guess we have to talk.
Buffy: I guess we do. Somebody should speak before one of us graduates.
Riley: What are you?
Buffy: Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?
Riley: Sorry. That came out a little blunter than I intended. - It’s just... you are amazing! Your speed, your strength.
Buffy: Also passionate, artistic and inquisitive. - Who are you?
Riley: You know who I am. The rest... what I do... I can’t tell you.
Buffy: Well, then let me. You’re part of some military monster squad that captures - demons, vampires, probably have some official sounding euphemisms for them, - like unfriendlies or – non sapiens.
Riley: Hostile Sub Terrestrials.
Buffy: So you deliver these – HST’s to a bunch of lab coats, who perform experiments on them, which among other things turn some into harmless little bunnies. How am I doing so far?
Riley: A little too well.
Buffy: Meanwhile by day you pretend to be Riley Finn, corn-fed Iowa boy. Ever been to Iowa, Riley? God, if that’s even your name.
Riley: It is, born and raised. And hey! Bulletin: I’m not the only one who’s been a little less than honest here.
Buffy: I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would have figured it out by now. - I’m the Slayer. Slay-er? - Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries? - You’re kidding. Ask around. Look it up: Slayer comma the.
Riley: And you fight demons? I mean, you waled on those guys.
Buffy: You did pretty well yourself.
Riley: But I’m a walking bruise today. You see me with my clothes off I look like... I mean... I have – bruises... I don’t see a scratch on you.
Buffy: You’re not looking hard enough.
Riley: I’m looking pretty hard.
***
Spike: Sodden sleeping chair is bloody – sodden.
Xander: The quake just knocked a couple of pipes lose. There is a wrench hanging up over there by the workbench. Try tightening the coupling.
Spike: Do I look like a plumber to you?
Xander: No, you look like a big mooch that doesn’t lift a finger around here. But I have to get to work.
Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated.
Xander: Mock not. Remember who pays for the plasma around here, pal. You earn your keep or you don’t get kept. When you’re done fixing that leak try cleaning up *this* mess. And doing a *little* laundry for once wouldn’t kill you... unfortunately.
***
Buffy: Something horrible is going to happen, Giles.
Giles: It was an earthquake, Buffy. A not uncommon occurrence in southern California. No reason to think it was anything more.
Buffy: Oh, I so have a reason. A darn good reason. The last time we had an earthquake, I died.
Giles: Yes, I know that - and - therefore I completely understand your anxiety.
Buffy: Oh, good. Because I’d hate for my little untimely horrible death concern to be ambiguous.
Giles: But unless evidence suggests otherwise, I think that we can assume that it’s shifting landmasses and not a portent of some imminent doom.
***
Riley: What’s a Slayer?
Forrest: Slayer? Thrash Band. Anvil handed guitar band with delusions of Black Sabbath.
Riley: No. A girl, with powers.
Forrest: Oh. *The* Slayer. Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of the Slayer.
Riley: Fill me in.
Forrest: Well, the way I got it figured the Slayer is like some kind of boogey man for the Subterrestrials, something they tell their little spawn to make them eat their vegetables and clean up their slime pits.
Riley: You’re telling me she doesn’t exist.
Forrest: Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebody’s bubble here? Maybe this is a bad time to tell you about – the Easter-bunny? Sorry, sorry, it’s a myth, Rye. All part of that medieval folklore garbage kooks dream up to explain things we deal with every day.
Riley: How do *you* explain the things we deal with, Forrest?
Forrest: They’re just animals, man, plain and simple. Granted they’re a little rarer than the one’s you grew up with on that little farm in Smallville...
***
Xander: Oh, no! Spike the place is worse then when I left! You didn’t even fix the drip!
Spike: Don’t turn around.
Xander: Spike, what is it, what happened?
Spike: Don’t look at me.
Spike: I shrunk them. Bleeding shirt, trousers. I hate this place.
Xander: You know I’m not any happier about you wearing my stuff than you are.
Spike: Go out, get me some decent stuff, and I want more blood.
Xander: No! You’re not a guest.
Spike: You want me to tear this place apart, you bloody poof?
Xander: That’s it! I am way past due with you. I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you’re not the big bad anymore, you’re not even the kind of naughty. You’re nothing but a waste of space – my space! And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I’m here to tell you something You’re not even worth it. - I’m out of here.
***
Buffy: I’m telling you I’ve seen this somewhere before, I just can’t remember where! I mean, it’s like...
Giles: It’s the end of the world.
Buffy/Willow/Xander: Again?
Giles: It’s ah, the earthquake, - that symbol, -yes.
Buffy: I told you. I-I said end of the world and you’re like ‘poo-poo southern California, poo-poo!
Giles: I’m so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Willow: No, I-it can’t be. We’ve done this already.
Giles: It’s the end of the world, everyone dies. It’s rather important really.
Willow: So what do we do?
Buffy: I stop it.
***
Buffy: Riley, I just... can’t.
Riley: Can’t talk?
Buffy: Can’t any of it. - I can’t be with you. - It’s just a huge, black pit of a mistake and I can’t go there again.
Riley: Again? You’ve dated me before?
Buffy: No! Look I was involved... You don’t know what my life is like.
Riley: But I’m dying to find out.
Buffy: Dying being the operative word here. Okay, there is too much risk. There is too much... It’s just doomed! And I can’t do doomed *again* right now. Sorry.
Riley: I-I don’t understand where this is coming from. I know you like me. And it’s not like we don’t have anything in common.
Buffy: But that’s not enough.
Riley: Buffy, I’m thrown by this, I’m confused... - But I can feel my skin humming, my hands, my every inch of me. I’ve never been this excited about anybody before. I’m not trying to scare you, and I’m not going to force myself on you. But I’m, by God, not going to walk away because I think it *might* not work. I don’t know what’s happened in your past...
Buffy: Pain, - death, - apocalypse. - None of it fun. – Do you know what a Hellmouth is? Do you have a fancy term for it? Because I went to high school on it, for three years. We do not have that much in common. This is a job to you.
Riley: It’s not just a job.
Buffy: It’s an adventure, great. But for me, it’s destiny. It is something that I can’t change, something that I can’t escape. I’m stuck!
Riley: You don’t *have* to be. You’re not in high school anymore. You *can* change things.
Buffy: Riley, no.
Riley: I know it may seem...
Buffy: Riley! - My answer is no.
***
Giles: A Vahrall demon.
Willow: Eew!
Xander: I second that revulsion.
Giles: Yes. ‘Slick like gold and gird in moonlight, father of portents and brother to blight’.
Buffy: Limbs with talons, eyes like knives, bane to the blameless, thief of lives.
***
Spike: Good bye, Dru. See you in hell.
Willow: What are you doing?
Spike: Bloody rot. Can’t a person knock?
Willow: What were you doing?
Xander: You were trying to stake yourself!
Spike: Fag off! - It’s no concern of yours.
Xander: Is, too. For one thing that’s my shirt you’re about to dust. For another, we’ve shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Willow: Xander!
Xander: What? He wants to die, I want to help.
Willow: It’s ooky. We know him, we can’t just let him poof himself!
Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I’d drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance. And besides, I’m beyond pathetic. Stuck in this basement washing skivvies for a blighter I wouldn’t have bothered to bite a few months ago.
Xander: Hey!
Spike: I mean, am I even remotely scary anymore? Tell me the truth.
Willow: Well, the shirt is kinda – not very threatening – and the short pants, but you know it could also be because I know you can’t bite, which I guess isn’t really what you need to hear right now, is it?
Spike: Stop, please, just clear out.
Xander: Fine. But you break anything else while we’re gone and you’ll be sleeping in the garage, buster.
Willow: We can’t leave him here like this! We’ll have to take him with us to the museum.
Spike: Oh, you go on. I won’t do anything. I feel better now. Promise.
Xander: Think of the happy. If we don’t find what we’re looking for, we face an apocalypse.
Spike: Really? You’re not just saying that?
***
Buffy: Actually I need to go. Big bad, needs to be squished.
Riley: Right. I’m on it, too. It’s just - this thing, this you and me thing, it’s Stupid!
Buffy: I know. Which is why we can’t do it, the you and me thing.
Riley: No, I mean you’re stupid. I mean... – I don’t mean that. – No, I think maybe I do.
Buffy: Wow, with sweet talk like that, you’ll definitely mount my reservations.
Riley: I’m serious. You have this twisted way of looking at things, this doom and gloom mentality. You keep thinking like that and things will probably turn out just the way you expect.
Buffy: You know there is nothing more dangerous than a psych-grad-student.
Riley: Buffy, where is the bad here? It just turns out – we are even more well matched than we thought we were. I mean, you’re a – fry cook – and so am I!
Buffy: Yeah, but you’re an amateur – fry cook and I come form a long line of fry cooks that don’t live past 25.
Riley: Which is exactly the attitude I’m talking about. Look, I know the risks of what we do. I also know it’s more rewarding than any other job on the planet – and fun.
Buffy: Fun? The last person I know that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job.
Riley: I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take your work seriously.
Buffy: That I should just turn my frown upside down? Is that it? I wish I could. But this isn’t the kind of gig where you can just hang it up at the end of the night and snuggle with your honey.
Riley: But why? Why can’t it be?
Buffy: Because I’ve tried it, okay? And every time it just fell apart. And then I get sucked right back in to the Uber-evil.
Riley: Welcome to the story of the world. Things fall apart Buffy. And evil – it comes and goes. But the way people manage is, they don’t do it alone. They pull each other through. If you weren’t so self involved you’d see that.
Buffy: You have no idea what you’re talking about. You barely know me.
Riley: I know that it’s not just a job thing. I’m sure that there is some good looking guy that done you wrong in there, too. But mostly I think you want to stay down in that dark place because maybe it’s safer down there.
Buffy: You are so out of line.
Riley: No. See I don’t think so. Look, we have an opportunity here, you and me, and the fact that you’re to scared to even give it a try...
Buffy: Is my business. So why don’t you just leave me alone?
Riley: Fair enough.
***
Willow: Great. No word of Valios.
Xander: Not even a syllable of Valios.
Spike: Which means I’m one step closer to melting in a sea of molten hellfire, yeah?
Willow: You shouldn’t talk like that. Yeah, okay, so you can’t kill anymore, but there are other fun things you can do. You’ll adjust.
Spike: Adjust? And what? End up like the two of you? No thank you.
Xander: Here it goes. ‘We can’t just leave him here to stake himself! It’s not right.’
Spike: I should think you would be glad to greet the end of days. I mean, neither one of you is making much of a go at it. You. Kids your age are going off to University, you’ve made it as far as the basement. And Red here, - you couldn’t even keep dog-boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but...
Willow: I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to get us to dust you.
Spike: Am not! I just don’t want pity from geeks more useless than I am.
Willow: We’re not useless! We – we help people. We fight the forces of evil!
Spike: *Buffy* fights the forces of evil. You’re her groupies. She’d do just as well without you – better I’d wager, since she wouldn’t have to go about saving your hides all the time.
Xander: That is so not true! We’re part of the team. She needs us.
Spike: Or you’re just the same tenth grade losers you’ve always been, and she’s too much of a softy to cut you loose.
***
Giles: They’re on their way to perform the sacrifice now.
Buffy: On their way where? You found out what the ritual is for?
Giles: The Hellmouth. They are going to open the Hellmouth. - The one in the library.
Buffy: Looks like we’re going back to high school.
***
Buffy: Be careful you guys, the place doesn’t look to stable.
Spike: Fine by me. Hope we all go under.
Buffy: Why is he even here. It’s not like he can fight!
Willow: If we leave him alone, he’ll stake himself.
Buffy: And that’s bad because...? - Fine. Whatever. Just keep him out of the way. I do *not* have time for this. Okay, when we get to the library keep a look out for victims they’re keeping alive for the sacrifice. Getting them out is the first priority.
Willow: Will do.
Buffy: Okay – you guys ready?
Xander: Lets rock and roll.
Spike (mocking Xander): Lets rock and roll?
***
Xander: Sunnydale High. These walls – if they were still walls, what stories they could tell. Eew! Mayor meat. Extra crispy.
***
Spike: No pain! I can hurt a demon! That’s right. I’m back. And I’m a BLOODY ANIMAL! Yeah!
***
Spike: What’s this? Sitting around watching the telly while there’s evil still a foot. That’s not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can’t go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let’s find her! She is the Chosen One after all. – Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let’s annihilate them. For justice - and for - the safety of puppies – and Christmas, right? Let’s *fight* that evil! - Let’s *kill* something! Oh, come *on*!”
***
Buffy: Giles was the librarian at my high school.
Riley: Ah, I've seen the library. It's gone down hill since you left.
Giles: Yes. I-I-I'm embarrassed to say that I actually miss it at times.
Riley: So, you're retired?
Giles: I'm sorry?
Riley: Or . . . you're working somewhere else now?
Giles: Well, not, uh . . . sort of between projects, uh, right now, uh, it's a personal--
Buffy: Oh! Oh, look. Giles has no cake.
Riley: Oh, here. Here, I'll get you a piece.
Buffy: Oh, he's just nervous. But this is so nice. Having everyone together for my birthday. Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it will still be the bestest Buffy Birthday Bash in a big long while.
Giles: Right. A-a-actually, Willow a-a-and Xander did all the planning. I'm not sure I would have gone with the surprise party. You know, you have enough things jumping out at you in the dark.
Buffy: Professor Walsh says that adrenaline is like exercise but without the exorbitant gym fees.
Giles: Very whitty.
Buffy: You should meet her. She's absolutely the smartest person I've ever met.
Giles: Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party?
Buffy: Oh, no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.
***
Xander: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized.
Xander: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!
Anya: So, what kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Some place, you know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this.
Anya: Heh. It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.
Xander: That's it! Let's go.
Anya: Wait. I want to give you something for your new place.
Xander: That's my lamp.
Anya: A gift is traditional. I've read about it.
Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies we don't give them my lamp.
Spike: It's not gonna have electricity anyway. It's a crypt, remember?
Anya: What about running water? A fridge to keep your blood fresh?
Spike: No.
Anya: Well, that's gotta suck. You should just get a hotel room or something.
Spike: Demon girl's got a point. I need fresh blood. If I had a few bob for a room with an honor bar--
Xander: Out! Before I get the Slayer over here to kick your ass out!
Spike: Don't know why she didn't come. Say good-bye, shed a few tears.
Xander: Well, she has an appointment with somebody who's actually still *scary*!
***
Giles: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her Nancy-ninja boys come in and six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.
Ethan: Who's Maggie Walsh?
Giles: Oh, she's awful. She said I was an absent male role model. Absent my ass. I'm twice the man she is.
***
Buffy: I like pancakes 'cause they're stackable. Ooo, and waffles 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to.
***
Buffy: Someone else doing majiks?
Willow: Maybe. If so, it's someone pretty powerful.
Buffy: Hmm. I'll tell Giles about it. Or maybe I'll tell Maggie. She seemed kind of interested in learning the mystical side of the whole demon hunting biz.
Willow: Tell Giles. He's feeling a little hurt right now. How come you never told him about Riley being a commando?
Buffy: I did. I didn't?
Willow: He says no. He's feeling neglected and out-of-the-loopy.
Buffy: Well, I didn't at first because Riley said not to. And . . and then "meow" cat out of the bag and I-I guess I just forgot that he didn't know. I'll make it up to him when I see him. Tomorrow. I'm spending today with Riley.
Willow: Oh, yeah. I forgot that's what you always do on the days when the earth rotates.
Buffy: It's just going so well, right now. I think. I hope. I sort of kicked him across the room last night.
Willow: Uh, that's not good.
Buffy: Well, we were sparring and he said not to hold back. And he's a little dented. But he said he was okay with it and I think he's okay with it --do-do you think he's okay with it?
Willow: I'm sure he is. I mean, if he's not . . . you know, you had to do it. He's right. You can't walk around pretending you're less than you are. It wouldn't be right for you to hold back.
Buffy: Right.
Willow: What?
Buffy: I held back a little.
***
Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be . . . oh, right . . . the things I can kill.
Giles: Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day.
Spike: Giles?
Giles: Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting-- You understand me?
Spike: Of course I understand you.
Giles: I'm speaking English?
Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And . . . by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?
Giles: As a matter of fact, I did. Thanks to Ethan Rayne. You have to help me find him. He must undo this and then he needs a . . . good being killed.
Spike: And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?
Giles: Y-you help me and I-I don't kill you.
Spike: Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter.
Giles: Money. I could pay you money.
Spike: Oh, I like money. How much?
Giles: A h-hundred dollars.
Spike: A hundred dollars? You'll have to do a lot better than that. Two-hundred.
Giles: Fine.
Spike: Right, then.
Giles: Right, then.
Spike: So what's first? I run and tell the Slayer what you've gotten yourself into?
Giles: No. When I find Ethan I can clear all this up without Buffy ever having to find out that anything happened to me at all.
***
Riley: I'll help. The whole Initiative. We'll do whatever you need.
Buffy: Thanks. I just wish I knew what I needed. I keep thinking, "let's ask Giles" and then I remember.
Xander: He'd be great right now. He'd find himself in a second. Nobody is cooler in a crisis.
***
Giles: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear!
Spike: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.
Giles: It's perfectly serviceable.
Spike: Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say "serviceable." Had a couple of them working for me once. They're more like "Like to crush. Crush now?" Strong though. You won't meet a jar you can't open for the rest of your life. What was that? Did you growl?
Giles: No. Listen, about this Fyarl demon. Do-do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?
Spike: Well, you got the mucous thing.
Giles: What? Mucous?
Spike: Paralyzing mucous. Shoots out through the nose. Sets on fast. Hard as a rock. Pretty good in a fight.
Giles: Are you making this up?
Spike: Maybe. But hey, you feel a sneeze coming on, you warn me.
***
Giles: I really like this feeling. Sort of mindless need to destroy. This anger and rage.
Spike: Good times. Go with it.
Giles: No.
Spike: Oh, it's fun. I can't do it, do it for me. Now let yourself go.
***
Spike: How ya feeling, mate?
Giles: Like snapping necks until everyone is dead.
Spike: Now that sounds like a Fyarl demon. Good for you.
***
Buffy: You okay?
Giles: Oh, um, uh, embarrassed, mostly. Ethan's wardrobe's not helping any. Uh, how did you know it was me?
Buffy: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can looked *that* annoyed with me.
***
Walsh: So she walks in and the rules just suddenly break?
Riley: Umm . . . pretty much.
Walsh: Be careful with her. She reacts on instinct. There's no discipline there. Her loyalties are uncertain.
Riley: You won't be disappointed in her. She's good at what she does. She is the truest soul I've ever known.
Walsh: Oh, no... oh, no! Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord, spare me college boys in love.
Riley: I'm just saying she'll work out. You'll be proud of her.
Walsh: You want to know what I think? I think you're probably right.
***
Xander: Wish the Buff could've made it. This three-hand poker is not quite the game.
Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
Anya: Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
***
Buffy: Riley just walked in.
Willow: Do ya want to let him know you're here?
Buffy: No. Just enjoying a good stare. Tell me about your night.
Willow: Well, spent most of it at Xander's teaching Anya to play poker.
Buffy: That sounds like fun.
Willow: Yeah. Except the Anya part and the poker part.
Buffy: Will, I think you better get used to-- a Twinkie!? That's his lunch? Oh, he is *so* gonna be punished.
Willow: Everyone's getting spanked but me.
Buffy: What?
Willow: Uh, nothing.
***
Spike: Hey! Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home.
Giles: Oh, yes. Careless of me. Tracking mud all over your, uh . . . mud.
Spike: I admit, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to have a crack at it?
***
Anya: Xander. You haven't been paying any attention to me, tonight. Just peddling those process food breaks. I don't know why.
Xander: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars. Make money. Take Anya nice places. Buy pretty things.
Anya: That does make sense. All right, I support you. Go sell more.
***
Spike: Close the door!
Xander: Spike? You may want to give up these morning jogs.
Spike: Soldier boys are out in force. I've been trying to keep them off my scent. Run them in circles. But they keep coming.
Giles: And . . . how is this our concern? Seeing as how you've expressed the desire to have nothing more to do with us.
Xander: Spike said that?
Giles: Mm-hmm.
Xander: That hurts.
Spike: All right. What do you want me to say? I need help. And no cheek from you. Look! The buggers shot me. In the back.
Giles: Remind me. Why should I help you?
Spike: Because you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody freaking cavalry.
Giles: No, you can come up with a better answer than that. Why should *I* help *you*?
Spike: Ooh! Because I helped you! When you turned into that Fyarl demon, I helped you, didn't I?
Giles: And that was out of the, um, evilness of your heart?
Spike: Oh, hell no. I made you pay me-- You right bastard. That's all that's left. I spent the rest on blood and smokes, which I'll never see again. Ah, come on! Circle the wagons. Tend to the wounded here. No time for layabouts.
***
Spike: Oww! Watch it. That hurts.
Giles: It doesn't appear to be a bullet. It's too deeply embedded to be a tranquilizer dart.
Spike: Also not tranquil.
Giles: Some sort of . . . illumination emanating from it. It's blinking.
Spike: I don't care if it's playing 'Rockin' the Casbah' on the bloody Jew's harp, just get it out of me!
Giles: Anya, there's a bottle of Cognac in the cabinet next to the sink. Can you get it for me?
Spike: What? You're gonna get snockered now?
Giles: It's not for me, you prat. If I'm gonna operate on you then I need you in anesthetized. It's going to take some time.
***
Buffy: Professor Walsh. That simple little recon you sent me on . . . wasn't a raccoon. Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.
***
Giles: It will be dark soon. I think it will be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.
Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.
Xander: Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: Do you think that would work?
Giles: Spike-- lord knows why I'm telling you this-- it's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation it's not safe for you here.
Buffy: No. It's not safe for any of us.
***
Walsh: So. All right. Fine. If she wants a fight, we'll give her one. Won't we, Adam? I've worked too long. Too long . . . to let some little bitch threaten this project. Threaten me. She has no idea who she's dealing with. Once she's gone, Riley will come around. He'll understand. It's for the greater good. He'll see that. And if he doesn't . . . Well, first things first. Remove the complication and when she least expects it--AHH! ... Adam?
Adam: Mommy.
***
Giles: You're saying that Maggie Walsh set you up?
Buffy: That's exactly what I'm saying. She sent me on a one way recon.
Spike: Got to hand it to you goldilocks - you do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I've got a cousin married to a regurgitating frovilops demon that's got better instincts than you.
Buffy: What does my taste in men have to do with this?
Spike: You think Riley was out knitting booties for your future offspring while Maggie was stringing you up?
***
Buffy: Everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move.
Xander: Storm the Initiative. Yeah let's take on those suckers.
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander: Oh thank God.
***
Riley: That's hostile 17.
Spike: No, I'm just a friend of Xaannderr's... Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's um.. It's a really long story b-but he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad it's just I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers.
Riley: We've been looking all over the place for him - but you've known where's he's been all along.
Buffy: It's not like that.
Riley: Then what is it like?.. What's he doing here?
Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that.
***
Buffy: What are you doing here? Following me?
Riley: You told me you were tracking the Polgara demon, I thought I'd help. But now I see you're not hunting demons you're socializing with them. Again! I thought you were supposed to be killing these things not buying them drinks.
Buffy: Oh that's smooth, officer Riley. They teach you those undercover moves in special forces?
Riley: No I'm serious Buffy. What are you doing here?
Willy: Just cooling her dogs like the rest of us. Why don't you sit down, relax?
Riley: I want you to tell me. Who are you?
Willy: No kidding. How about I get you some chicken fingers on the house?
Riley: Hey think you could shut up!
Willy: Look I'm just saying.
Riley: I said shut up! Or maybe you'd like to go back to the lab with me. I'm sure the coats would love to classify a - whatever you are.
Buffy: Leave him alone Riley, he's human.
Riley: So he's human.
Buffy: You're shaking.
Riley: He just harbors demons. Which makes him a good guy like you? The truth, Buffy, now!
Buffy: You have the truth. You are just screwed up because of what happened to Professor Walsh to see it. Now let go of me.
Riley: Hold it you! No leaving til I say so!
Willy: Hey! We got new rules here, no killing.
Riley: Right. Except rules don't seem to apply much these days do they? Like if I shot you right now I don't know if I'd have a corpse on my hands or one pissed off vampire.
Buffy: Riley.
Riley: I mean who do you believe? First it sounds like lies, then it sounds like truth.
Buffy: Riley.
Riley: Oh what's happening to me?
***
Buffy: Giles, Anya keep researching. Xander, you and I are going undercover.
Anya: Hey! Remember before. No Xander! Not in a boyfriend way or a lead him to a certain death way.
Buffy: He's the only one with military experience.
Anya: It's not like he was in the 'Nam. He was GI Joe for one night.
Xander: It's ok Anya. I've backed up Buffy before.
Anya: Can't you do something else to help them? Like... Xerox handouts or something?
***
Buffy: Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
Xander: The. Ewww. I don't wanna see that.
Buffy: Retinal. Scan. Xander.
***
Xander: Quick pretend to make out with me.
Buffy: Wait, what are you talking about?
Xander: Well I uh, you know. In the movies the guy and the girl have to hide.
Buffy: Please, could you possibly draw more attention to us?
***
Engleman: Finn take this girl to the stockade immediately.
Buffy: Riley, he can tell us what we need to know. Maggie wanted me dead, didn't she?
Engleman: She did. But understand the Initiative has no interest in eliminating the slayer. It was her own vendetta.
Buffy: Why? Spell it out for me! I feel an attack of dumb blonde coming on.
Engleman: I don't know.
Buffy: Well think harder!
Engleman: It was the project.
Buffy: Project? 314.
Engleman: It... It escaped.
Riley: That's enough! You're making her sound like some psychopath. She wasn't like that! she was a brillant woman!
Engleman: She was. It's not..
Riley: All she was doing was trying to help people and this is the way you want them to remember her!
Buffy: Engleman said Walsh was feeding you drugs.
Riley (pointing to Buffy): You're doing this to me, aren't you? This all started because of you.
Buffy: If you will just listen to me, I am trying to help you get to the truth.
Riley: You want truth then tell me, what did you do to her Buffy?
Buffy: Stop it! I didn't do anything. Riley stop! This isn't about us, everything that we need to know is here, we just need to find out what was in 314.
Adam: Me.
***
Adam: I'm a kinematically redundant, biomechanical demonoid designed by Maggie Walsh. She called me Adam and I called her mother.
Engleman: Adam. Maggie would want you to stand down.
Adam: Yes. But I seem to have a design flaw. In addition to organic material I'm equipped with GP-2, D-11 Infrared Detectors, A Harmonic Decelerator, plus D.C. Servo.
Buffy: She pieced you together from parts of other demons.
Adam: And man. And machine. Which tells me what I am, but not who I am. Mother wrote things down. Hard data, but also her feelings. That's how I learned that I have a job here. And that she loved me.
Riley: She wasn't your mother and she didn't love you!
Xander: Is that really the issue?
Riley: She made you because she was a scientist!
Xander: Riley!
Adam: Riley Finn.
Riley: Stop! Those files...
Adam: Oh! Mother created you too.
Riley: Maggie's not my mother! I have a mother! A real _
Adam: A birth mother. Yes. But after you met Maggie, she was the one who shaped your basic operating system. She taught you how to think, how to feel. She fed you chemicals to make you stronger - your mind and body. She said that you and I were her favorite children. Her art. That makes us brothers. Family.
Riley: No!!! I'm not like you.
Adam: That's pain isn't it? Why? Because your feeding schedule - the chemicals have been interupted? Or do you miss her? Tell me.
Riley: I'll kill you!!!
Adam: You won't. You haven't been programmed to.
Riley: I cannot be programmed! I'm a man!
Adam: It's here. The plan she had for us. What happens. How it ends.
Riley: No.
Adam Do you want to hear?
Riley: No!!!
***
Willow: He's really that big of a threat?
Buffy: I could barely fight him. It's like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast. He gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.
Willow: There's gotta be a flaw.
Buffy: I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight.
***
Buffy: They smell good don't they?
Faith: What?
Buffy: Clean sheets. Like summer.
Faith: I wouldn't know.
Buffy: Right. I forgot.
Faith: I noticed.
Buffy: I wish I could stay, but...
Faith: Oh, you have to go.
Buffy: It's just what...
Faith: Little sis coming. I know.
Buffy: So much to do before she gets here. They walk around to end of bed.
Buffy: Now I really have to...
Faith: So go. Don't let me keep.
***
Xander: So, here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated.
Buffy: So can you repair it?
Xander: Sure. As soon as I get my master's degree in advanced starship technology.
Willow: Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens.
Giles: I'd like to veto that.
Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Will, a word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgazmater, I'd be the first to try your basic button press approach.
***
Faith: Graduation.
Woman: What?
Faith: Graduation. I gotta get to Sunnydale High School graduation NOW.
Woman: Well, you can't. I mean, Sunnydale High School isn't even there anymore.
Faith: What day is it?
Woman: Friday.
Faith: What date? The date.
Woman: February 25th.
Faith: What year?
Woman: Maybe I should get you a nurse...
Faith: What happened to the school?
Woman: Don't you just wanna....
Faith: Just tell me.
Woman: Well, it was a tragedy really. Lots of students died. The Principal, the Mayor. I really think maybe I should get you some help.
***
Giles: What is it?
Buffy: It's Faith. She's awake. She beat someone up, took her clothing and disappeared out of the hospital. No-one knows where she is.
Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a "Worst Timing Ever" award.
Willow: What do we do?
Giles: Well, we have to find her.
Willow: What about Adam?
Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of persuing a homicidal lunatic.
Buffy: Well, Faith's not exactly low-profile girl. I'll patrol and wait for her to make a move.
Giles: But then what?
Willow: Oooh! I have an idea! Beat the crap out of her!
Xander: Good plan.
***
Faith: So, check you out B. Nice. The big girl on campus thing's really working for you.
Buffy: I've been looking for you.
Faith: I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard did you look?
Buffy: Are you alright?
Faith: Five-by-five. That's the thing about a coma. Wake up all rested and rejuvinated. And ready for payback.
Buffy: So much for pleasantries, huh?
Faith: What did you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, blondie.
Buffy; You'd have done the same to me if you'd had the chance.
Faith: Lets have another go at it. See who ends on top.
Buffy: It doesn't have to be like this, y'know.
Faith: Actually, I think it has to be exactly like this.
Buffy: Faith, these are innocent people.
Faith: No such animal.
Buffy: I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and grow.
Faith: I could say the same about you. I mean, you're still the same better-than-thou Buffy. I mean, I knew it somehow. I kept having this dream, I'm not sure what it means, but in the dream this self-righteous blond chick stabs me, and you wanna know why?
Buffy: You had it coming?
Faith: That's one interpretation, but in my dream, she does it for a guy. (To Willow) Try it red, and you'll lose an arm. (To Buffy) I wake up to find the blond chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. Not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, but she's forgotten about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel. But tell me, college girl, what does it mean?
Buffy: To me? Mostly, that you still mouth off about things you don't understand.
***
Xander: The point being I could be the target here. Faith finds Mr. Xander Harris still in town, she goes tighter than cat gut. Got a lotta pent up feelings there. I'm only saying.
Giles: Yes, I'm sure.
Xander: See, I can't be held responsible for the effect I have on women.
Giles: No...
Xander: See, Faith and I have this little thing between us called history... Spike?
Giles: What are you doing here?
Spike: Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.
Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho-killer too.
Spike: Sounds serious.
Giles: It is. What do you know?
Spike: What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair. Yay tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way, yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where you are and then watch as she kills you. Can't any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening be dull.
Xander: Go ahead. You wouldn't even recognise her.
Spike: Dark hair, this tall , name of Faith, criminally insane. Like this girl already.
Xander: We're dumb.
***
Mayor: Hello Faith. If you're watching this tape, it can only mean one thing. I'm dead. And our noble campaign to bring order to the town of Sunnydale has failed. Utterly and completely. But on the other hand, heck, maybe we won. And right now, I'm on some jumbo monitor in the Richard Wilkins Museum surrounded by a bunch of kids sitting Indian style and looking up at my face filled with fear and wonder. "Hi kids!" But the realist in me tends to doubt it. Now, Faith, as I record this message you're sleeping. And the doctors tell me you might never wake up. I don't believe that. Sooner or later you will wake up, and when you do, you'll find the world has gone and changed on you. I wish I could make the world a better place for you to wake up in. But, tough as it is to accept, we both have to understand that even my power to protect and watch over you has it's limits. See, the hard pill to swallow is that once I'm gone, your days are just plain numbered. Now, I know, you're a smart and capable young woman in charge of her own life, but the problem, Faith, is that there won't be a place in the world for you anymore. By now I bet you're feeling very much alone. But you're never alone. You'll always have me. And you'll always have this. Go ahead. Open the box. Don't worry. It's not gonna bite. That's my job. Go ahead. Open it. Surprise! You won't find these in any gumball machine! See, when you've been around as long as I have, you make friends. And some of them forge neat little gizmos. Just like the one you're holding right now. And here's the good news. Just because it's over for my Faith, doesn't mean she can't go out with a bang.
***
Faith: You're thinking "You'll never get away with this!"
Joyce: Actually I was thinking "My daughter is going to kill you soon."
Faith: That a fact?
Joyce: More like a bet.
Faith: Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce, I like seeing that in a woman your age. Guess you can afford to talk that way. I mean, in the world according to Joyce, Buffy is gonna come crashing through that door any minute. But, look what I found. Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Lotta letters. She hasn't been by in a while, huh? And you'd think, with a crazy chick like me on the loose, crazy chick with a wicked grudge against her no less, she'd call, give you a heads up. But Buffy's too into her own deal to remember dear old mom.
Joyce: You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
Faith: Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter, you think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving and you're stuck. It's like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and no-one even sees.
Joyce: Were you planning to slit my throat any time soon?
Faith: Don't tell me you don't see it Joyce. You've served you purpose, squirted out the kids, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead. Nobody cares, nobody remembers, especially not Buffy fabulous superhero. Sooner or later you're going to have to face it. She was over us a long time ago Joyce. Too busy climbing onto her new boytoy to give a single thought to the people that matter. I mean, you're her mother, and she just leaves you hear to die.
Buffy: Hi mom.
Joyce: Hi honey.
***
Faith: Thought I'd go after the clean marine didn't ya? He's a cutie. Looks like he could use a good roll in the sack.
Buffy: You're not his type. He's not big on sleaze.
Faith: He's probably just never tried it.
Buffy: Going for the boyfriend again? That's tired.
Faith: Just something to remember me by once I've moved on.
Buffy: Ever occur to you, Faith, that the reason we forgot you is because we wanted to?
***
Joyce: You sure you're ok.
Buffy: Five by five.
Giles: Unless I'm mistaken, Faith is no longer in police custody.
Buffy : What are you talking about?
Giles: Watcher's Council. They uh sent a retrieval team to capture Faith.
Buffy: Well, yeah, I mean, 'cause it worked so well when Wesley tried it.
Giles: This is a special operations unit. They, uh, handle the council's trickier jobs - smuggling, interrogation, wetworks.
Willow: What's wetworks?
Xander: Scuba-type stuff.
Anya: I thought it was murder.
Xander: Well, yeah, but there could be underwater murder, with snorkels.
Buffy: So they're taking her to England?
Giles: It'll be a long, long time before she returns.
Buffy: (After laughing) I'm sorry. It's just...I'm happy. Faith is evil.
Willow: Yeah. I hope they throw the book at her.
Giles: I'm not sure there is a, a book for this.
Willow: They could throw other things.
Buffy: I forgot how much you don't like Faith.
Willow: After what she's done to you? Oh, I wish those council guys would let me have an hour alone in the room with her, if I was larger and had grenades.
***
Xander: We kind of have a romantic evening planned.
Anya: We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.
Buffy: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.
Anya: Hey.
Xander: I believe that's my hey. Hey!
***
Spike: Oh, you.
Buffy: And you.
Spike: What, are you keeping tabs on me? You're gonna give me a hard time now?
Buffy: Um, do I usually give you a hard time?
Spike: Very funny. Well, you don't have to worry about me drinking. Unless you're here to protect innocent beers.
Buffy: You're a vampire.
Spike: Was. And as soon as I get this chip out of my head, I'll be a vampire again. But until then, I'm just as helpless as a kitten up a tree. So why don't you sod off?
Buffy: Ok.
Spike: Oh, fine! Throw it in my face! Spike's not a threat anymore. I'll turn my back. He can't hurt me.
Buffy: Spike? Spike. William the Bloody with a chip in his head. I kind of love this town.
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Buffy: Cause I could do anything I want, and instead, I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of slayerness? I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous, I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.
Spike: I get this chip out, you and me are gonna have a confrontation.
Buffy: Count on it.
***
Adam: I've been thinking. About vampires.
Vampire: This is my place.
Adam: You're place. Yes. The sewers. You hide from them, Crawl about in their filth. Scavenging like rats. What do you fear?
Vampire: Kill this guy already.
Adam: You fear the cross. The sun. Fire. And, oh, yes... I believe decapitation is a problem as well.
Vampire: You can have the place. I mean, we don't have to stay here anymore.
Adam: You fear death. Being immortal, you fear it more than those to whom it comes naturally. Vampires are a paradox.
Vampire: Ok, we're a paradox. That's cool.
Adam: Demon in a human body. You walk in both worlds and belong to neither. I can relate. Come. We have a lot to talk about.
***
Weatherby: Well, it's awake.
Faith: Who are you?
Weatherby: Council. We're taking you back to the mother country. Seems you've been a naughty girl.
Faith: Listen to me. Y-You've made a mistake. I am not Faith. I'm Buffy Summers. Faith performed some kind of spell, she switched our bodies.
Collins: Congratulations. No one's ever actually tried that one on me before.
Faith: You have to find Faith. C-call Giles. J-just get him here.
Collins: Giles doesn't work for the council anymore. For that matter, neither does Buffy Summers. And what you are, miss, is a package. I deliver the package. I don't much care what's inside. Come on.
Weatherby: He may not care, but I do. The Watcher's Council used to mean something. You perverted it. You trash. We should have killed you while you were asleep.
***
Buffy: So you guys been hanging out a lot lately, hunh?
Tara: Yeah. she's, um, she's really cool.
Buffy: So Willow's not driving stick anymore. Who would have thought? I guess you never really know someone until you've been inside their skin. And Oz is out of the picture? Oh, never seen two people so much in love. She just couldn't get enough of old Oz.
Tara: She, um, said he, uh, uh, w-w-w-w-w-went
Buffy: He w-w-w-w-what? You gonna get that sentence out sometime tonight?
***
Willow: I'm sorry you're feeling all blechy. But we'll get together with Buffy another time. Sometime soon. I think you'll really like her.
Tara: She's not your friend.
Willow: I may have overestimated the "you liking her" factor.
Tara: No, no. I mean, I don't... I don't think she's...her.
Willow: You lost me.
Tara: Well, um, a person's energy has a flow, a unity. Buffy's was... was fragmented. It-it grated, like something forced in where it doesn't belong. Plus, she was, um, she was kind of mean.
Willow: So you think Buffy's not herself? Like she's been possessed or something?
Tara: I'm not sure.
Willow: You didn't sense a hyena energy at all, did you? Because hyena possession is just...unpleasant.
***
Buffy: You're hurt.
Riley: Ahh, um, not that bad, actually. I guess the, uh, drugs the professor gave me really did make me stronger. I'm healing pretty quick.
Buffy: Maybe we should take you for a test drive.
Riley: I wouldn't say no.
Buffy: So...how do you want me?
Riley: How do I?
Buffy: Yeah. what do you wanna do with this body? What nasty little desire have you been itching to try out? Am I a bad girl? Do you wanna hurt me?
Riley: What are we playing at here?
Buffy: I'm Buffy.
Riley: Ok. then I'll be Riley.
Buffy: Well, if you don't wanna play--
Riley: Right. I don't wanna play.
***
Forrest: Hope you left him alive.
Buffy: What?
Forrest: Boy's supposed to be on the mend. I don't see you letting him get much rest.
Buffy: I think maybe you should stay out of other people's lives.
Forrest: We've got a mission here. Back when Riley could still think for himself...
Buffy: You've got a mission? I've been fighting demons since before you could shave.
Forrest: Yeah, you're a killer.
Buffy: I am not a killer!!! I am the slayer!. And you don't know the first thing about me.
Forrest: You really care what I think?
Buffy: No. I don't care. God, I don't care.
***
Faith: Giles!
Giles: God!
Faith: Don't move. Ok, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith.
Giles: Really?
Faith: Really.
Giles: Cause the resemblance is striking.
Faith: I know. Giles, you just have to... Stop inching. you were inching.
Giles: Look, I-I know what you're going to say, and-and uh
Faith: I'm Buffy.
Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.
Faith: Faith switched. I mean, she had some device. She switched our bodies. Giles, I swear it's me.
Giles: U-um, if-if you are Buffy, then, uh, then you'll let me tie you up w-without killing me - until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
Faith: Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know, she's taken it to Mexico by now. I-I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
Giles: Who's president?
Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
Giles: Oh, yes, Alright. um...
Faith: Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean can't you just look in my eyes and be all intuitive?
Giles: How did I turn into a demon?
Faith: Oh, cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid lifestyle wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... Oh, oh! when I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. What? Do you want me to continue?
Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
Faith: What's a stevedore?
Giles: Alright, let's-- um, I need you to explain everything.
Faith: And I will, after we get Faith.
Willow: Giles!
Faith: Will.
Willow: Oh, my god.
Faith: Willow, wait. you don't understand.
Willow: You're Buffy. You and Faith switched bodies, probably through a Draconian Katra spell.
Giles: She understands it better than I do.
Faith: How did you?
Willow: Tara. Tara, this is Buffy, only really this time.
Tara: Hi.
Willow: Tara's a really powerful witch.
Tara: Not really.
Willow: No, really. She knew right away that you weren't you. So we connected with the nether realms to find out what happened. And we conjured this.
Faith: What is-- Willow: It's a Katra. Or the home-conjured version. It-it should switch you back, if you can get a hold of Faith.
***
Vampire: I told the cops, they send any one in, I start the whole massacre thing.
Buffy: Well, I'm not the cops. I just come to pray.
Vampire: Now's a good time to start.
Buffy: You're *not* gonna kill these people.
Vampire: Why not?
Buffy: Because it's wrong.
Vampire: You're the slayer.
Buffy: The one and only.
***
Real Buffy: She's gone. not a trace. Giles said the council guys have cleared out, too.
Riley: I don't understand. how could she have... I mean, how's it possible?
Real Buffy: Magic.
Riley: There was something. I should've picked up on it. I should've just...
Real Buffy: You slept with her.
Riley: I slept with you. Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a sex way.
Real Buffy: I don't think she's coming back.
Riley: Guess she's had her fun.
Real Buffy: Yeah. Fun.
***
Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.
Buffy: A nest. No biggie. I bet I could do it. I know could take at least two.
Anya: Yes and we could run for help while the other three suck your heart out through your neck.
***
Xander: Quick draws about more than speed. It's also about pointing a stake the right way. And there can be splinter issues. It is a true test of dexterity.
Anya: Can you open this?
Xander: No, I tear it and it gets all sloshy.
***
Xander: I think we did great. We knocked em dead. Which they already were.
Willow: We knocked 'em deader!
Anya: They weren't very well organized. If they had all rushed at Buffy they could have killed her right away.
Buffy: Thanks Anya. That won't keep me awake all night.
***
Anya: Did not.
Xander: Last night with me you said Jonathan.
Anya: It was a moan!
Xander: Fine! You moaned Jonathan!
Anya: Not unh! It was like unnh-unnh-atha.
Xander: Maybe it was ahh-onathan. Still not fluffing up the old ego.
Riley: Quite the couple, aren't they?
Buffy: They get into a fistfight, I've got a fifty on Anya.
***
Vampire: I wish you'd get rid of that body. The smell's making me hungry.
Adam: You wouldn't want it. It had a blood disease. It didn't know it but it would have been dead within the year. Humans sense so little of what they carry inside.
Vampire: Oh alright. Well, you're the evil messiah guy, so henh. Oh hey there's something new in town, yeah, attacked a girl, caused a little fuss. Oh, he was there. Jonathan.
Adam: Jonathan. Tell me, who is he?
Vampire: Henh, you're joking right? Jonathan is Jonathan. Look.
Adam: These are lies. None of this is real. The world has been changed. It's intriguing but it's wrong.
Vampire: Feels ok to me.
Adam: You're under his spell just like the others. I seem to be the only one who is not.
Vampire: Really? And what makes you so special?
Adam: I'm aware. I know every molecule of myself and everything around me. No one - no human, no demon - has ever been as awake and alive as I am. You are all just shadows.
***
Anya: Xander's not here.
Buffy: Oh.
Anya: You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?
Buffy: Oh I was kind of hoping to look at some of Xander's stuff.
Anya: Oh. Sure. Come on in. Make yourself at home. And so on.
Anya: Oh you're still here. That's nice.
Buffy: May I ask you something? Does it every seem just a little strange that Jonathan is so good at everything?
Anya: He's Jonathan. Hey! I was just at the part where he invented the internet.
Buffy: Anya he fights better than I do. And I'm the slayer. The Slayer! That's supposed to mean something right?
Anya: Oh! buck up you. You kill the best. Go you. Kill, kill.
Buffy: Actually not needing validation right now, but thank you. He just seems too perfect. I don't know.
Anya: So I can have my book back?
Buffy: Anya when you were a demon, you granted wishes right?
Anya: Vengeance wishes on ex boyfriends. I'd wish he was a dog or ugly or in love with president McKinley or something.
Buffy: But someone could wish the whole world to be different right? That's possible?
Anya: Sure, alternate realities. You could uh, could have like a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make like a freaky world where Jonathan's some kind of not perfect mouth breather if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there! Now if I, uh, could just have book back you could be on your way someplace else?
***
Spike: Oh look Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a walk, are we?
Buffy: Shut up Spike.
Spike: Ooh ooh ooh! Semi harsh language from Betty! You're feisty when the big guy standing beside you. Someday sweet slayer. I would love to take you on. See you face the evil alone for once.
***
Riley: These spells... these really work? I mean, can you really 'turn your enemies inside out'? Or... learn to 'excrete gold coins'?
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Willow: They work Riley but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander: Right you can't just go 'librum incendere' and expect...
Giles: Xander don't speak Latin in front of the books.
***
Xander: So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
Giles: Yes.
Xander: That is so cool!
***
Buffy: Why did you do it anyway? No. I get why. How?
Jonathan: After the thing with the bell tower and the gun, I went to counseling. You know other kids with problems a-and one of them had this spell. He glossed right over the monster. Well, anyway I just - I-I just wanted to apologize. Nobody was supposed to get hurt.
Buffy: Jonathan you get why everyone is angry though, right? It's not just the monster. People didn't like being the little actors in your sock puppet theater.
Jonathan: You weren't! You weren't socks! We were friends.
Buffy: Jonathan you can't keep trying to make everything work out with some big gesture all at once. Things are complicated. They take time and work.
***
XANDER: Aw, come on. Big party at Riley's house. It's gonna be fun. Why don't you wanna go?
ANYA: You know why not. Those initiative men make me... not comfortable. And you don't care.
XANDER: They don't even know that you're an ex-demon. And we don't know that they'd care even if they did know. Which, by the way, they're not gonna find out. Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the party to even notice you.
ANYA: So ... you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? Is that it?
XANDER: I'm just not gonna win here, am I?
ANYA: You don't find me attractive any more.
XANDER: What are you talking about? I think you're gorgeous.
ANYA: Oh, really? Well then, why didn't we have sex last night?
XANDER: Is that what this is about? We've gone other nights without sex.
ANYA: I know. Twice! I can't believe we're breaking up.
XANDER: Breaking- We're not! Are we?
ANYA: Of course we are. You, you've obviously grown tired of me. I mean, I've seen it happen to thousands of women over the centuries, I just never thought it would happen to me.
XANDER: Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the sex. Well, there should be! I mean, a relationship is something that you work at. Work through. Together.
ANYA: I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young... I mean... Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is something wrong with your body?
XANDER: There's nothing wrong with my body.
ANYA: Well, there must be. I saw that wrinkled man on TV talking about erectile dysfunction-
XANDER: Whoa! Hey. All systems go here. No function problem, okay? You want sex? Let's have sex. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big sex.
***
SPIKE: Grr! Oh, it's you.
ANYA: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high.
SPIKE: Hey! Yeah, I did. I scared you. Gimme money.
ANYA: I'm not paying you for scaring me.
SPIKE: You're not paying me. I'm robbing you.
ANYA: Oh, well now that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine. Oh, now come on. You're not even bumpy any more.
SPIKE: Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on. Get me mad again.
ANYA: Does this really work? Scaring people into giving you their money?
SPIKE: Yeah, it works. Keeps me in blood and beers. Plus, you know, funny. Watching those little humans quail.
ANYA: I'm beginning to understand why you're so friendless.
SPIKE: Look who's talking! I don't see droopy boy on your arm. Did he have better things to do?
***
WILLOW: How many kids?
XANDER: I dunno, a whole herd of them. And some parents to boot. It was kind of embarrassing, which, welcome to life with Anya.
TARA: So you don't even know if she's coming tonight.
XANDER: I'm thinking no. She was... pretty upset. Which, makes me wonder, is it me? Am I the crazy one?
BUFFY: (Not listening) Uh-huh. Absolutely.
WILLOW: Hey, Buffy, this might be a good time to mention that someone, so not me, spilled something purply on your new peasant top which I would never borrow without asking. Still love me?
BUFFY: Uh-huh. Huh? What about my peasant top?
***
ANYA: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
SPIKE: You know ... you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like, "I wish I'd appreciated it more." Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?
ANYA: Yeah. Now everything's complicated.
SPIKE: It's a terrible thing, love is. I been there myself. It ended badly.
ANYA: Of course it did. It always does. Seen a thousand relationships. First there's the love, and sex, and then there's nothing left but the vengeance. That's how it works.
SPIKE: You and I ... should just go do the vengeance. Both of us! You eviscerate Xander, and I'll stake Dru. Like a project.
ANYA: I don't know. I just can't. You can go do Dru though.
SPIKE: Yeah. I will. Maybe later.
***
SPIKE: Hey ... I know these guys from somewhere.
ANYA: Initiative soldiers, they live here. Experiments happen in the lab under the house. It's where they kept you, put in your chip. Let's have fun!
SPIKE: What are you doing? You brought me *here*?
XANDER: Anya? What are you doing? You brought *him* here?
SPIKE: That's what *I* said! Only I hit the "here" part.
XANDER: Anya, this is crazy. We had a little fight. It just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead. And what have we been doing with him anyway?
SPIKE: Oh, who's the puffed-up manly man? All splotchy and possessive.
ANYA: It's not very convincing, is it?
SPIKE: Yeah. I see now what you said about him earlier. No follow-through.
XANDER: Hey! What a surprise! Hostile 17! Can I get you a drink, Hostile 17?
ANYA: Xander, stop.
SPIKE: Pfft! Well, may be some fun to be had in the lion's den after all. You two keep scraping. I'll find the liquor.
XANDER: Anya. What are you doing with him?
ANYA: We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have sex.
XANDER: You're overreacting. We had a fight. But see, it's okay. It's normal.
ANYA: Yes. The normal part of the ending a relationship right before the vengeance begins.
XANDER: Right. No! Vengeance?
ANYA: Relax, I'm not gonna do it. I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis. And now I don't even have that! So I get to say when it's done. And it's done.
XANDER: Okay, you know what? You don't deserve to be the one to walk away from this. I've put up with a hell of a lot from you ... much of that in the last minute ... and if anyone gets to be the one to leave, it's me.
ANYA: You're leaving *me*?
XANDER: Yes. I am.
ANYA: Where are you going?
XANDER: To enjoy the party.
ANYA: Well then, then I'm staying too, to, to show you how much I'm not bothered by you having fun! Because I'll be having more fun!
XANDER: I'm having fun already!
ANYA: Me too! Woo hoo!
***
WILLOW: We have to go back in there.
ANYA: Why?
XANDER: Because Buffy and Riley are trapped.
ANYA: So? She's the Slayer, he's a big soldier boy, what do they need you for?
XANDER: Anya, look around! There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair... We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?
SPIKE: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics ... and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Danger Mouse is on.
***
GILES: When you called to Buffy and Riley, they didn't cry out or, or respond in any way?
ANYA: No. They're probably dead.
XANDER: Unless they're too busy doin' it to answer.
GILES: Doing what?
XANDER: You know, for a god of acoustic rock, you're ... kind of naive.
GILES: I didn't think you meant ... In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up?... Oh, for a different phrasing.
***
MRS. HOLT: I treated them as I would my own flesh and blood. Gave them hugs and praise when they were good, and ... punished them when they were dirty.
GILES: Well, ah, children will be children. They, you know, they do like to play in the, uh, the muck.
ANYA: You didn't mean mud dirty.
MRS. HOLT: My kids didn't think I knew, but I did.
GILES: Very, uh, perceptive of you.
MRS. HOLT: Without me they would have been shut out of the kingdom. Lost to lust.
GILES: But you ... helped them.
MRS. HOLT: The girls felt the vanity more than the boys. I'd see them preening like Jezebel. Doting over their pretty hair.
XANDER: So you'd hack it off.
MRS. HOLT: I'd remove the temptation to admire themselves. They were better for it.
ANYA: What about the bathtub? Something happened there.
MRS. HOLT: I performed baptisms on the most unclean. Those who were tainted with impure thought and deed.
GILES: You held them under?
MRS. HOLT: They needed to be reborn. You choose to pass judgment on me?
GILES: Well, someone ought to! You traumatized and, and abused these children, children who, who have no doubt become extremely disturbed adults! You have ruined lives, Mrs. Holt. Furthermore, what you did has now manifested itself as a, a malevolent presence which threatens still more lives! You have a great deal to answer for.
MRS. HOLT: I refuse to listen to this when I can smell the sin on each and every one of you.
XANDER: Yeah? You smell sin? Well let me tell you something, lady, she who smelt it dealt it! (To Giles) It's like what you said, but faster.
***
ANYA: I don't get it. I mean, those kids were tortured, but they weren't killed, so where are those ghosts coming from?
GILES: I don't believe there are any ghosts.
ANYA: One ran right through me.
GILES: Not a ghost. An apparition. I believe we're dealing with a kind of poltergeist. A whole cluster of them, in fact, born out of intense adolescent emotion and sexual energy.
ANYA: Both of which were totally pent up during Mrs. Holt's reign of repression.
XANDER: So with Buffy and Riley having ... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock lately, maybe they set something free. Like a ... big burstin' poltergasm.
***
BUFFY: I just had no idea. It's so creepy! He was really singing?
XANDER: I'd say it was more like crooning. (To Anya) If we grow old together, remind me to skip the midlife crisis.
ANYA: Okay.
WILLOW: Come on, you have to admit, it was kinda sexy.
XANDER: Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives.
RILEY: We're just lucky no one got injured. No thanks to us.
WILLOW: Don't be too hard on yourself.
BUFFY: He's right, Will. If Riley and I hadn't ... gotten so wrapped up in each other, none of this would've happened.
ANYA: True. Feel shame.
XANDER: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau.
***
WILLOW: Oz.
TARA: Oz.
WILLOW: When, when did you get back?
OZ: Pretty much now.
XANDER: Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write.
***
BUFFY: So, I was just about to say something fascinating.
RILEY: Oz and Willow.
BUFFY: Right. They had a rough breakup. Some stuff came up, and Oz pretty much bailed overnight. It left Will really devastated.
RILEY: I remember.
BUFFY: The thing is before that, they were doing great. I mean, she was totally dealing with Oz being a werewolf, it wasn't even-
RILEY: Whoa, wait.
RILEY: Oz is a werewolf, and Willow was dating him?!
BUFFY: Yes. Hence the high emotions.
RILEY: You're kidding me. Gotta say I'm surprised. I didn't think Willow was that kind of girl.
BUFFY: What kind of girl?
RILEY: Into dangerous guys. She seems smarter than that.
BUFFY: Oz is not dangerous. Something happened to him that wasn't his fault. God, I never knew you were such a bigot.
RILEY: Whoa, hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month.
BUFFY: Yeah, well love isn't logical, Riley. It's not like you can be Mister Joe Sensible about it all the time. God knows I haven't been.
RILEY: I'm not talking about you.
BUFFY: How about we don't talk about this at all? Okay? Let's just patrol.
***
WILLOW: So... you wanna come inside?
OZ: Actually, I want you to come outside. I wanna show you something.
WILLOW: Oz... This is all so weird. I-I-I feel like... this isn't really happening. Like it's a dream or, or something.
OZ: It's real. Look up.
WILLOW: What?
OZ: Look at the sky. I guess you stopped keeping track of 'em after I left.
WILLOW: Full moon.
OZ: Full moon.
WILLOW: Full moon, but-but how? I mean you did it! How, how did you do it? Where did you go?
OZ: It's a long story.
WILLOW: Oh my god, Oz! This is... I mean, it's wonderful for you.
OZ: I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy.
WILLOW: No. No new... guy.
OZ: I know what I put you through, and I'm not gonna push. But I am... a different person than when I left. And I can be what you need now. That's what I want. That's why I'm here.
***
WILLOW: So Tibet was your favorite?
OZ: Well, it's where I stayed the longest. This warlock in Romania sent me to the monks there to learn some meditation techniques. Very intense. All about keeping your inner cool.
WILLOW: Good, 'cause you were such a spaz before. So that's it? You keep your cool, and no more wolfie?
OZ: No, there's more. I take some herbs and stuff. Some chanting. A couple of charms.
WILLOW: It's incredible. You've been all around the world. You've had this ... complete mind/body transformation. I've just been here. Same old Sunnydale.
OZ: Doesn't mean you haven't gone through a lot.
WILLOW: It's true. Some of it, you know, was me telling myself I hated you and cursing your name. Not literally.
OZ: Well, thanks for that.
WILLOW: And, I don't know, I - I think I'm getting better at my spells and stuff. It's so light out.
OZ: Yeah, we talked all night.
WILLOW: Well, I believe a manly sized breakfast is in order, don't you?
OZ: Or we could just... sleep a little while. Whatever you want.
WILLOW: I'll have the less confusing waffles right now.
OZ: Breakfast it is.
***
BUFFY: Those like, regulation? Do you have to do those every morning?
RILEY: No, just a good way to start the day.
BUFFY: Great, then you can have your perfectly balanced breakfast, and then you can call your mother.
RILEY: Okay, I'm up less than a minute, and somehow I've managed to piss you off.
BUFFY: I should go home.
RILEY: No, come on. Is it that whole thing about Willow last night? Look, I only said what I said because I'm concerned. I don't wanna see her get hurt.
BUFFY: You sounded like Mr. Initiative. Demons bad, people good.
RILEY: Something wrong with that theorem?
BUFFY: There's different degrees of-
RILEY: Evil?
BUFFY: It's just... different with different demons. There are creatures - vampires, for example -- that aren't evil at all.
RILEY: Name one.
***
WILLOW: I was with him all night.
BUFFY: All night? Oh my god. Wait. Last night was a wolf moon, right?
WILLOW: Yup.
BUFFY: Either you're about to tell me something incredibly kinky, or-
WILLOW: No kink. He didn't change, Buffy. He said he was gonna find a cure, and he did. In Tibet.
BUFFY: Oh my god. I can't believe it. Okay, I'm all with the woo-hoo here, and you're not.
WILLOW: No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and... "why now?" And... it's complicated.
BUFFY: Why complicated?
WILLOW: It's complicated... because of Tara.
BUFFY: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No. Oh! Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.
WILLOW: She is. And... there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.
BUFFY: Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.
WILLOW: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
BUFFY: Like what, Will?
WILLOW: Are you freaked?
BUFFY: What? No, Will, d- No. No, absolutely no to that question. I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?
WILLOW: I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back. He's Oz, you know?
BUFFY: Yeah. I know.
WILLOW: I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.
BUFFY: No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.
***
WILLOW: I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-
TARA: No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-
WILLOW: We were just talking. Nothing happened.
TARA: Oh. Really?
WILLOW: But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about. I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.
TARA:Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.
WILLOW: Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.
TARA: But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.
WILLOW: How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and... everything changed. I changed, and... then we--
TARA: What?
WILLOW: I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -- You're a big part of that. And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and... I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.
TARA: Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.
***
OZ: Hey. I thought I sm...ah, heard Willow.
TARA: Hey. You're um, you're coming back to school here, huh?
OZ: Pretty much. Feeling ... oddly motivated.
TARA: That's um, that's great. I mean, that's, that's great for you and Willow, right?
OZ: I hope so.
TARA: Good, that's, because-
OZ: Is that her sweater?
TARA: I just, I just hope that you guys'll be very ... happy.
OZ: You smell like her. She's all over you, do you know that?
TARA: I can't. I-I can't talk about this.
OZ: But there's something to talk about? Are you two involved?!
TARA: I have, I, I, I have to go.
OZ: Cause she never said anything to me like that. We talked all night and she never- No, stop! Is she in love with you? Tell me, is she?!
OZ: Run.
***
ADAM: You see my problem, though. Total annihilation of the humans doesn't help me. I'll be needing heavy casualties on both sides.
SPIKE: I get that. I'm still not sure how the Slayer fits in.
ADAM: The humans need a leader... a champion. The Slayer can do that.
SPIKE: Yeah... the thing about the Slayer is... she is a whiny little thing, but when it comes to the fighting, she does have a slight tendency to win.
ADAM: Then I guess you should be on her side.
SPIKE: This all goes down, the chip comes out, yeah? No tricks.
ADAM: Scout's honor.
SPIKE: *You* were a Boy Scout?
ADAM: Parts of me.
***
WILLOW: What's up? You okay?
TARA: Oz. We were talking and, he changed. Right in front of me.
WILLOW: What? It's daylight.
TARA: I know, but it happened.
WILLOW: Oh my god, are you all right?
TARA: I'm fine. Riley and the commando guys, they stopped him. But they don't know it's Oz. I tried to tell them, but ... they took him away.
WILLOW: When? Just now?
TARA: I think they might hurt him.
***
WILLOW: I-I can't just sit here.
BUFFY: Okay. Okay, you can back us up. Now, the only way I know into the Initiative is through the elevator in the Lowell House. But my clearance is long gone.
XANDER: So we grab a guy, make him take us.
SPIKE: Or you could just use the back way. Hell of a lot less bother.
GILES: How did you get in?
SPIKE: Door was unlocked. You might wanna watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
BUFFY: Or someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
SPIKE: Now, now. None of that. Or I won't help you get Red's mongrel back. Bad news travels fast with us demons. We all like a good laugh.
GILES: Short of cash, Spike?
SPIKE: I happen to be seeking monetary gratification, yeah. But I also get a kick out of jackin' up those army ginks myself. I know how to find the big guy who can take you to Oz.
BUFFY: Uh-huh. So what's the going rate on a wild goose chase, Spike?
SPIKE: Fine, if you're not interested. But I was stuck in that hole, remember? And I've heard things from other guys who've gotten out. I can get you in. No alarms, no cameras ... no waiting.
***
BUFFY: I've mentioned how much I'm gonna kill you if this is a scam, right?
SPIKE: Look, would I wear this if I wasn't on the up-and-up?
WILLOW: You do sorta look like an evil olive.
XANDER: Guys... check it out.
SPIKE: For a nasty town like Sunnydale, nobody seems to mind their locks.
***
BUFFY: Hey! You know who I am?
COLONEL: Yeah.
BUFFY: Then you know I'm pretty good with this thing. Take us to him.
COLONEL: Finn stays in the brig. Helping an HST escape is a court-martial offense. You're only gonna make matters worse.
BUFFY: Riley tried to help Oz escape?
COLONEL: That's who you came for. The wolf.
XANDER: Guess we're two for one.
***
RILEY: I was wrong about Oz. I *was* being a bigot.
BUFFY: No you weren't. You were thrown. You found out that Willow was in... kind of an unconventional relationship, and it gave you a momentary wiggins. It happens.
RILEY: Still... I was in a totally black and white space, people versus monsters, and it ain't like that... especially when it comes to love.
BUFFY: I have to tell you some stuff... about my past. And it's not all stuff that you're gonna like.
RILEY: You can tell me anything.
BUFFY: I think so. I think I can.
***
WILLOW: This thing looks pretty good, considering you drove it overseas.
OZ: Well, it broke down outside of Mexico, and I traded my bass to have it fixed and garaged. I shouldn't have come back now.... I just thought I'd changed.
WILLOW: You have changed. You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it.
OZ: But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out... the one thing that brings it out in me is you... which falls under the heading of ironic in my book.
WILLOW: It was my fault. I upset you.
OZ: Well, so we're safe then, cause you'll never do that again. But... you're happy?
WILLOW: I am. I can't explain it-
OZ: It may be safer for both os us if you don't.
WILLOW: I missed you, Oz. I wrote you so many letters... but I didn't have any place to send them, you know? I couldn't live like that.
OZ: It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting.
WILLOW: I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?
OZ: I know. But now is not that time, I guess.
WILLOW: No. What are you gonna do?
OZ: I think I better take off.
WILLOW: When?
OZ: Pretty much now.
***
Spike: The Slayer's dangerous is all I'm saying.
Adam: Yes. She makes things interesting.
Spike: No. See, you're not getting it, Mr. Bits. You're gonna be interestingly dead. Little Miss Tiny's got a habit of bollixing up the plans of every would-be, unstoppable bad-ass who sets foot in this town. Just want you to know, when the big ugly goes down, the Slayer's gonna be right in the thick of it. You ready for that?
Adam: I'm counting on it.
***
Adam: Two Slayers.
Spike: That's right.
Adam: And you killed them both?
Spike: Yeah. I killed the hell out of them.
Adam: Yet you fear this one?
Spike: Hey, watch it, mate. I don't fear anything. Just know my enemies.
Adam: Do you? Then why haven't you killed this Slayer yet?
Spike: Because . . . Stinking, rotten luck is why. On top of that, now I got this buggering chip up my head.
Adam: Yes. Your behavior modification circuitry. I know what you feel.
Spike: Not likely.
Adam: You feel smothered. Trapped like an animal. Pure in its ferocity, unable to actualize the urges within. Clinging to one truth. Like a flame struggling to burn within an enclosed glass. That a beast this powerful cannot be contained. Inevitably it will break free and savage the land again. I will make you whole again. Make you savage.
Spike: Wow. I mean, *yeah*. I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins. If he was a big scary . . Frankenstein looking-- You're exactly like Tony Robbins.
Adam: I will restore you to what you once were. When I have the Slayer . . . how and where I want her.
Spike: Easier said. She's crafty. Her and her little friends.
Adam: Friends?
Spike: There's your --what do you call it-- variable. The Slayer's got pals. You want her evening the odds in a fight you don't want the Slayerettes mucking about.
Adam: Take them away from her.
Spike: Now there's a plan. She's working solo, she won't have a chance to come after us when the wild rumpus begins. Plus, it will make her miserable. And I never get tired of that. Yeah. Leave `em to me.
Adam: You can't hurt them. What can you do to make sure they're out of the picture?
Spike: Not a blessed thing. They're gonna do it for me.
***
Riley: I take it you're not an Angel fan either?
Xander: Well, it's not like I hate the guy. Just, you know . . the guts part of him.
Riley: Can't blame you. But to be fair, it's not him you hate. It's the curse. Right?
Xander: What did Buffy tell you?
Riley: On Angel? Everything. More than I wanted to know sometimes. She loved him. He turned evil. He, uh, killed people. She cured him. He left. Interesting little curse.
Xander: One moment's happiness.
Riley: What do you mean?
Xander: You know, it's his trigger. Angel's an okay guy if he's mopey and sad and brooding, but if you give him even one second of pure, real pleasure . . .
Riley: And that sets him off.
Xander: Only in the big ol "kill your friends" kind of way. And you know what makes Angel happiest? I'll give you a hint. It not creme brulee.
Riley: Buffy. Sex with Buffy.
Xander: She . . . kind of left that part out, huh?
Riley: Yeah, she did. That explains a lot of things that . . I wish weren't explained.
Xander: Hey, man. That's all ancient history.
Riley: She went running to L.A. to bone up on her history.
Xander: No! I'm sure it's boneless. She just needs to make sure everything's okay. She's probably back already.
Riley: Maybe.
Xander: You'll feel a lot better when you see her.
***
Giles: A-at . . this point a cynical person might think that you're offering just what we need when we need it most.
Spike: That person'd be right, Rupert. Supply and demand. And it won't be cheap this time.
Giles: What do you want?
Spike: Hmm, year supply of blood, guaranteed protection, merry bushels of cash, and, most important . . . a guarantee that I'm not to be in anyway slain.
Giles: Done.
Spike: With a smile and a nod from you? Sorry. Not close to good enough. This deal's with the Slayer.
Giles: I'll tell her.
Spike: Oh, you'll tell her! Great comfort that. What makes you think she'll listen to you?
Giles: Because . . .
Spike: Very convincing.
Giles: I'm her Watcher.
Spike: I think you're neglecting the past-tense there, Rupert. Besides, she barely listened to you when you were in charge. I've seen the way she treats you.
Giles: Oh, yes? And how's that?
Spike: Very much like a retired librarian. Look, I've got what she wants as long as she has what I want.
***
Spike: Oh, come on! You got to be kidding?
Anya: Wow. That chip in your head means you can't even point a gun. How humiliating.
Xander: Doesn't work anyway. It's a fake.
Anya: Can't even point a decorative gun?
Xander: Give it up for a American chipmanship.
Spike: It doesn't work? What about self-defense? I'm taking a risk here, you know?
Xander: Can I tell you how much I really . . don't care?
Spike: Attitude. See how far that'll take you in boot camp. Say, I hope you get one of those tough-as-nails drill sergeants who's only hard on the men because he's trying to keep them alive when the bullets start flying. I love that stuff.
Xander: Boot camp? Yeah. Like I'd go there.
Spike: What, you changed your mind? Not gonna join?
Anya: You're joining the Army!?
Xander: Okay, one-- Ow. Two-- Where'd you get that idea? Three-- OW! I'm not joining the army!
Anya: Oh, good. Stopped that nonsense just in time.
Xander: I was never-- Who'd you hear this from?
Spike: Oh, your girlie-mates were talking. Something about, uh, being all you can be. Or all *you* can be. And having laugh. Figured you were signing up. Say, have you got anything larger in the . . toy gun line?
Xander: "All I can--" Can you believe this!? Like I'm some sort of useless lunk. It happens I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of . . . stuff. I have skills . . . and . . . stratagems. I'm very . . . Help me out.
Anya: He's Viking in the sack.
Spike: Terrific. You didn't have these cleaned after the last time, did you?
Xander: This is so like them, lately. It's all about them and the college life. Well, you know what college is? It's high school only without the actual going to class. Well . . high school was kinda like that too. But the point is, I'm out there working hard to make a living. It's nothing but a huge joke to them. Xander got fired from Starbucks. Xander got fired from that phone-sex line.
Anya: They look down on you.
Xander: And they hate you.
Anya: But they don't look down on me.
Spike: Hey, it was just a laugh. There's no need to go insane over it.
***
Spike: Gibberish?
Willow: They're encrypted.
Giles: Oh, wonderful.
Spike: Can you fix `em?
Willow: Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie. Why?
Spike:You're not exactly the whiz these days either. God, I'm never gonna get paid.
Willow: I am a whiz.
Tara: She is a whiz.
Willow: If every a whiz there was. I-I just need some time.
Spike: No. I just heard you weren't . . . Your mates said you weren't playing with computers so much. Into the new thing.
Willow: What new thing?
Spike: You know, you two. The whole wicca thing.
Willow: They-they were talking about that?
Spike: Can we get back to business here? I've got a deal at stake.
Willow: What did they say?
Spike: Talking about, you know, it's a phase. You'll get over it.
Willow: What? Who said that? Was it Buffy? 'Cause . . . you know what she means by that.
Spike: No, she was defending you. 'Cause Xander said you were just being trendy.
Willow: Trendy?
Spike: I don't know what they were going on about. A person wants be a witch, that's their business.
Willow: I knew Buffy was freaked.
Tara: You should talk to her, 'cause I'm sure she--
Spike: Pressing business, ladies. Don't want to get sidetracked. Still got your monsters to fight.
***
Angel: Riley Finn.
Riley: I know you?
Angel: We have a friend in common.
Riley: Angel.
Angel: Welcoming committee your idea?
Riley: Way I heard it. You were all peaceable now. You didn't by any chance go and lose that pesky soul again, did you?
Angel: Don't push me, boy.
Riley: Now what possibly could've happened with Buffy that would make you lose your soul?
Angel: That'd be between me and her.
Riley: Where do you think you're going?
Angel: Going to see an old girlfriend.
Riley: Oh, you really think I'm gonna let that happen?
Angel: You think you're gonna stop me?
Riley: I surely do.
***
Buffy: You're hurt.
Angel: You too.
Buffy: I'll live.You want to tell me who ran your face into that doorknob?
Angel: Not really. It's not world-in-peril stuff.
Buffy: Let me guess. You thought of something else really hurtful to say and, well, you couldn't tell me on the phone because the funniest part is that look on my face--
Angel: Buffy, please. I really don't have a lot of time.
Buffy: What's going on?
Riley: I told you you weren't coming near her.
Buffy: You've got to be kidding me. This is why you came?
Angel: No. This was accident.
Buffy: Running a car into a tree is an accident! Running your fist into somebody's face is a plan! Please, explain this to me!
Angel: (To Riley) Put that gun down.
Riley: It's pretty much all I got left, so I'm thinking not. He attacked four of my men, Buffy. I think he's up to his old tricks.
Buffy: He won't hurt anybody. (to Angel) Tell him.
Angel: (To Riley) Might hurt you.
Riley: Please try.
Angel: Heh. Some threat. You can barely stand.
Riley: Trigger finger feels okay.
Angel: (To Buffy) You actually sleep with this guy?
Buffy: Okay, stop it! Okay, that's enough! I see one more display of testosterone poisoning and I will personally put you both in the hospital! Anybody think I'm exaggerating?
Angel: He started--
Buffy: Riley.
Riley: I'm sorry. Just wanted to know that you were safe.
Buffy: I need to talk to Angel for a minute.
Riley: What?
Buffy: Riley, please.
Riley: I'm not leaving this room. I mean it. Not moving a muscle.
***
Buffy: Okay. I come to see you, to help you, and you treat me like I'm just . . . your ex.
Angel: Well, technically--
Buffy: Shut up! And then you order me out of *your* city and then you come here and start pounding on my boyfriend?! I would really like to know what the HELL are you trying to do?!
Angel: I was trying to make things better. Heh. Well. It's a . . . going pretty good, don't you think?
Buffy: Swell.
Angel: You know-- I couldn't leave it like that. The way I spoke to you-- I came to apologize. I . . I had no right.
Buffy: And Riley?
Angel: I got jumped by some soldiers. He came in in the middle. And wasn't real forthcoming with the benefit of the doubt.
Buffy: Put yourself in his place.
Angel: I get it.
Buffy: Look . . . You weren't entirely wrong, what you said in L.A. We don't live in each other's worlds anymore. I had no right to barge in on yours and make judgments.
Angel: I'm still sorry.
Buffy: Thank you.
Angel: And, next time . . I'll apologize by phone. Uh, things are pretty tense around here.
Buffy: They really are.
Angel: Can I do anything?
Buffy: Honestly . . . I think the best thing you can do right now is--
Angel: Okay.
Buffy: It means a lot that you came.
Angel: Oh, and . . . Riley.
Buffy: Yeah?
Angel: I don't like him.
Buffy: Thank you.
***
Spike: Now that . . . was fun!
Adam: You were successful?
Spike: Easier than I'd thought it'd be, too.
Adam: You're sure?
Spike: Feel it in my bones. It's, uh . . called the Yoko Factor. Don't tell me you've never heard of the Beatles?
Adam: I have. I like "Helter Skelter."
Spike: What a surprise. The point is, they were once a real powerful group. It's not a stretch to say they ruled the world. And when they broke up everyone blamed Yoko, but the fact is the group split itself apart, she just happened to be there. And you know how it is with kids. They go off to college, they grow apart. Way of the world.
Adam: So you separated the Slayer from her friends. I'm pleased.
Spike: Well . . since we've got all our ducks in a row and not talking to each other . . guess it's time for the grand plan, huh? You know the one where I get the chipectomy. You got everything you need, right?
Adam: No. There's one more thing.
***
Riley: Buffy . . . I feel like we've gotten really close. At least I thought we had. I don't know much about Angel or your relationship with him . . but . . . all I ask is . . if you're gonna break my heart, do it fast.
Buffy: What? You think that Angel and I . . .
Riley: Didn't you?
Buffy: No. Of course not. How can you even ask me that?
Riley: I don't know. Xander said--
Buffy: Xander?! Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia.
Riley: No. It's not his fault. I prodded and he explained how Angel went bad. The, uh, trigger.
Buffy: Oh.
Riley: And, uh after that, I went a little nuts! You know? I mean . . . On the one hand . . I should believe in us. But on the other . . Sometimes things happen between exes and when I saw that he was bad. . .
Buffy: He's . . not bad.
Riley: Seriously? That's . . a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he's good he's all Mister . . Billowy Coat King of Pain and girls really--
Buffy: Riley, stop.
Riley: See? Nuts.
Buffy: Have I ever given you any reason to feel that you can't trust me?
Riley: No.
Buffy: Then why with the crazy?
Riley: Because I'm so in love with you I can't think straight.
Buffy: Tell me about it.
***
Buffy: Sorry, you guys, but we're on a clock here. Okay, Adam was at that cave so maybe he was there for a reason? I-I can--I can go back, scope it out, track him if I have to.
Willow: Right. And then maybe you'll get lucky and he'll still be there and he can rip your arms off for you? Buffy, you can't go back alone.
Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's gonna kick your ass.
Buffy: Giles.
Giles: Sorry. Was it a bit honest? Terribly sorry.
Xander: So she doesn't go alone. Giles, weapons all around.
Buffy: You're not going, Xander.
Buffy: Y-you'd get hurt.
Xander: Oh. Okay. You and Willow go do the superpower thing, I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here.
Giles: Ah-ah, no. I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.
Buffy: Willow is not going either. I'm doing it alone.
Willow: Oh, great. And then when you have your new "no arms" we can all say "Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that!"
Xander: Right! Maybe we can help in other ways? Want some fighting pants, Buff? I can get ya some new fighting pants!
Buffy: You guys, this isn't helping.
Willow: Oh, wow! We're already getting in the way. We're pretty good at this, Xander, huh?
Xander: Right. I'm so good at it you might have to ship me off to the Army to get me out of the way!
Buffy: The Army?
Xander: You didn't think I knew about that, did you? You two talking about me behind my back.
Buffy: Us talking about *you*? How about you telling Riley every last detail of my life with Angel?
Willow: And besides, when is there any "us two?" You two are the two who are the two. I'm the other one.
Xander: Uh-huh. But maybe that all changes when I'm doing sit-ups over at Fort Dix?
Giles: Fort Dix?
Buffy: Are you drunk?
Giles: Yes. Quite a bit, actually.
Buffy: Well, stop it! This is stupid.
Xander: Stupid? So you finally have the guts to say it to my face?
Buffy: I didn't say you were stupid! So . . stop being an idiot and let me fix this!
Buffy: Okay, I need you. I need both of you. All the time! Just . . not now. Adam is very dangerous.
Willow: Wait. How do you need me, really?
Buffy: You're . . good with the computer stuff. Usually. And-and there's the witch stuff.
Willow: Witch stuff? What exactly do you mean by "witch stuff?"
Buffy: You guys, what is happening? This is crazy!
Giles: Oh, no, it's not. It's all finally making perfect sense and I'm not going to miss a moment of it.
***
Xander: And if I did join the Army, I'd be great! You know why? 'Cause they might give me a job that couldn't be done by any well-trained border collie.
Giles: That's it. I'm going to bed.
Willow: No, you'd do wonderful in the Army. Hey, do you think the umbilical cord between you and Anya can stretch that far?
Xander: I knew it! I knew you hated her!
Willow: Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here. I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy.
Buffy: Judgmental? If I was anymore open-minded about the choices you two make my whole brain would fall out!
Xander: Oh! And superior. Don't forget that. Just because you're better than us doesn't mean that you can be all superior!
Buffy: You guys, stop this! What happened to you today?
Willow: It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while! Don't you see that?
Buffy: What do you mean wrong?
Willow: Well, they certainly haven't been right, since Tara. We have to face it. You can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.
Xander: No! It was bad before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me! Just left me in the basement to-- Tara's your girlfriend?
Giles: (from upstairs) Bloody hellll!
Buffy: Enough! All I know is you want to help, right? Be part of the team?
Willow: I don't know anymore.
Xander: Really not wanted.
Buffy: No! No, you said you wanted to go. So let's go! All of us. We'll walk into that cave with you two attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe! Hey! Hey, maybe that's the secret way of killing Adam?!
Xander: Buffy . . .
Buffy: Is that it? Is that how you can help? You're not answering me! How can you possibly help? So . . . I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One . . and her friends.
***
Adam: Your thoughts are troubled. In turmoil. I understand, brother. We have a lot to discuss. Speak.
Riley: What have you done to me?
Adam: Nothing. It was mother, Your...Professor Walsh. She implanted the behavior modifier.
Riley: A chip in my head. She really did it.
Adam: Actually, the chip is here. Tied directly into your central nervous system through your thoracic nerve. This is Phase One of your preparation. It lay dormant until the time came. I simply activated it, brother.
Riley: Stop calling me that. I'm not your brother. You're a botched science experiment. I'm a human being, who's gonna do everything in his power to--
Adam: Sit.
Adam: You have no power. Not yet. Once you forget your old life and embrace your destiny as I have, you will know power you've never dreamed of. I think you're going to like it.
***
Adam: Demons claim to old ways and ancient feuds. And they're hopeless with technology. Unworthy.
Riley: Not really wanting a lecture right now.
Adam: Disappointed by demon-kind, we turned to humans. Smart, adaptive, but emotional and weak. Blind. There's imperfection everywhere. Something must be done. Who will deliver us? Mother. She saw our future. Yours and mine. She saw that you were necessary. She saw the role you will play by my side. Stand up. You see, we are brothers after all.
Spike: It warms the cockles of my non-beating heart seeing you lads together. Adam: I didn't send for you, Spike.
Spike: Yeah, well...I'm not much the being-sent-for type. I'm much more the "I did my part, now get this chip out of my head" kind of guy. (About Riley) Slightly stiffer than usual. Subtle, but I like it. What's with him?
Adam: I activated his chip.
Spike: Oh, so, it's chips all around, is it? Someone must've bought the party-pack.
***
Anya: Are you still upset about that fight you had with your friends? It was hours ago! Get over it.
Xander: Anya, you--Forget it.
Anya: So, they all think you're lost, directionless loser with no plans for his future? Pfft.
Xander: Anya, you can't "pfft" that stuff away.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I don't know. 'Cause I think maybe they're right.
Anya: So what if they are? You're a good person, and a good boyfriend, and...and I'm in love with you. Whatever they think of you, it shouldn't matter.
Xander: Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter.
***
Spike: Look at little Nancy Drew. What about those disks I nabbed? They ought to tell you something.
Buffy: Willow has the disks.
Spike: Well, then I'd get on that. Can't ignore valuable information just 'cause you two birds fell out, now can you?
Buffy: Right.
Spike: Well, you do what you want. No worry of mine, now is it?
***
Willow: Must be programmed to self-decrypt to a certain point. That is so annoying. It's like someone blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've--I mean Yippee! We have the information.
Tara: I'm not sure if "Yippee"'s the right response, either. Read that.
***
Riley: Professor Walsh. Professor Walsh, it's Riley Finn. Can you hear me?
Forrest: She's dead. Artificially reanimated with basic to moderate brain activity. Mommy can hear you, but she's still a walking corpse.
Riley: So are you.
Forrest: Mm-mmm. Got that wrong. I'm surging with life... and strength. Adam made me to be nearly as bad as he is. Really looking forward to trying out your girl again.
Riley: I'm sorry, Forrest.
Forrest: Don't be. This is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm free of all my weaknesses...my doubts. He's gonna fix you up too, soon as we got some choice parts. Then you and me will be back on the same side again. Moving toward a new future.
Riley: I'll never let that happen.
Forrest: You don't get it brother, you don't have a choice. Your will belongs to us now.
Riley: No. That's not true.
Forrest: Then why don't you get out of that chair and walk out of here?
***
Buffy: Will, who told you we were talking behind your back, specifically?
Willow: Well, um...Spike, specifically, but--
Buffy: And who told you that we thought you'd be better off joining the Army?
Xander: That's not...exactly what he said.
Giles: Well, uh...S--S--Spike can be very convincing when--when--when, uh...I'm very stupid.
Buffy: He played us. He wanted us to fight to split us up. That's where it came from. The stuff we said the other night.
Giles: Of course. Well, piffle, let's move on.
Xander: I'm movin'.
Willow: Me, too.
Buffy: Good.
Willow: So...why do you think Spike made with the head games?
Xander: He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's gotta get his ya-yas somehow.
Buffy: I think it was more than that. I think it was Adam.
Xander: Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done--nah, I can't even act surprised.
Buffy: I just went to Adam's lair and he was gone. But, Spike just happened to be there. He made this big noise about getting information off those encrypted disks.
Willow: Oh, I decrypted them. Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.
Giles: What did they say?
Willow: A bunch of stuff we already know about 314. But it also said there's some final phase where Adam manufactures a bunch of creepy cyber-demonoids like him. There's a special lab in The Initiative, but it didn't say where.
Buffy: Adam fed Spike those disks. It has to be. He wanted me to know about his evil-guy assembly line. This lab, it's in the Initiative?
Willow: Hidden somewhere.
Buffy: Well give the demon his due. He thought this one out.
Willow: What do you mean?
Buffy: You know how overcrowded the containment cells have been at the Initiative? Those demons were just too easy to catch. It's like they wanted in that place.
Giles: The Trojan horse.
Buffy: Adam's gonna make sure the demons attack the Initiative from the inside.
Xander: Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre.
Willow: And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical, yet... Gross.
Xander: Does anybody else miss the Mayor, I just wanna be a big snake?
***
Xander: Okay, I'm confused again. Adam has this evil plan. Why is he so anxious for you to know about it?
Buffy: He wants me there. Probably figures I'll even the kill ratio.
Xander: He's not worried you might kill, oh say, him? Buffy: No, he's really not.
***
Buffy: According to Riley, his power source is uranium core embedded somewhere inside his chest. Probably near the spine.
Xander: Great, so we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery.
Willow: What about magic? Some kind of, I don't know...uranium extracting spell? I know. I'm reaching.
Giles: Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the incantation for this.
Willow: Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?
Giles: I do speak Sumerian. It's not that. Only a...an experienced witch can incant it, and you'd have to be within striking distance of this object.
Xander: See what you get for takin' French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy: What was I thinking?
Xander: So no problem, all we need is combo Buffy--her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know how, and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me. I'm just full of helpful suggestions.
Giles: As a matter of fact, you are.
***
Willow: It's not your fault. Spike stirred up trouble.
Buffy: Yeah, but I think trouble was stir-uppable. I think we've all sort of drifted apart this year, don't you?
Willow: Maybe a little. But, you know, first year of college, it's hard to keep the old high school gang together.
Buffy: But I want it together. Will, I miss you. And Giles, and Xander. And it is my fault. I've been wrapped up in my own stuff, I've been a bad friend.
Willow: You're the Slayer, Buffy. Your stuff is pretty crucial.
Buffy: I mean Riley. And...Riley, mostly.
Willow: Well, I haven't been Miss Available either. I--I kept secrets. I hid things from everyone.
Buffy: That's not your fault. Will, you were going through something huge.
Willow: I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared.
Buffy: You can tell me anything. I love you. You're my best friend.
Willow: Me, too. I love you too. Oh, falling now!
Buffy: Let's promise to never not talk again.
Willow: I promise, I promise.
Buffy: Xander.
Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!
Buffy: You know we love you, right?
Willow: We totally do.
Xander: Oh God, we're gonna die, aren't we?
Willow: No, we just missed you.
Xander: Giles, hurry up! You definitely wanna get down here for this!
***
Buffy: Colonel--
Colonel: Shut up. You've got some nerve, lady. You think you and your friends can just keep waltzing into a government installation brandishing weapons like-- Like--
Willow: It's a gourd.
Giles: Magic gourd.
Colonel: What kind of freaks are you people?
***
Colonel: I know everything that goes on around here. A tick on a mouse couldn't get in without my knowing it. And if Adam wants to try we're ready for him.
Giles: Jolly good. How--How exactly do you plan to get close enough to Adam to remove his power source?
Colonel: Hit him simultaneously with multiple taser blasters. Incapacitate him with as much voltage as we can muster.
Xander: Great plan. That's right up there with "duck and cover".
Buffy: I've seen Adam hit with taser blasts. He feeds on it. And now you're gonna provide him with an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Colonel: You telling me my business?
Buffy: This...is not your business. It's mine. You, the Initiative, the boys at the Pentagon--you're all in way over your heads. Messing with primeval forces you have absolutely no comprehension of.
Colonel: And you do?
Buffy: I'm the Slayer. You're playing on my turf.
***
Buffy: Once I'm in, barricade the door behind me. Is this place okay to be Magic Central?
Giles: It, uh, should do.
Willow: As long as we don't get blowed up or nothin'.
Xander: What're the odds of that?
Buffy: How long before the ritual kicks in?
Giles: Five minutes, give or take.
Buffy: I'll move fast then.
Xander: Buffy, I still don't like you going in alone.
Buffy: I won't be.
***
Willow: (chanting) "The power of the Slayer and all who yield it. Last to ancient first, we invoke thee. Grant us thy domain and primal strength. Accept us in the power we possess. Make us mind and heart and spirit joined. Let the hand encompass us. Do thy will."
Willow: Spiritus...Spirit.
Xander: Animus...Heart.
Giles: Sophus...Mind.
Willow: And Manus... The hand.
Willow: We enjoin that we may inhabit the vessel--the hand...daughter of Sineya...first of the ones...
Willow: We implore thee, admit us, bring us to the vessel, take us now.
***
Adam: How...can you--
Combo Buffy: You could never hope to grasp the source of our power. But yours is right here.
***
Spike: Nasty sort of fellow. Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?
Giles: Yes, thank you. Although your heroism has been slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all.
Xander: You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here.
Spike: Did it work? Well, then everything's all right. And we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work, team.
***
Man: It was an experiment. The Initiative represented the Government's interests in not only controlling the otherworldly menace, but harnessing its power for our own military purposes. The considered opinion of this counsel is that this experiment has failed. Once the prototype took control of the complex, our soldiers suffered a 40 percent casualty rate. Only through the actions of the deserter and a group of civilian insurrectionists that our losses were not total. I trust the irony of that is not lost on any of us. Maggie Walsh's vision was brilliant, but ultimately unsupportable. The demons cannot be harnessed. Cannot be controlled. It is therefore our recommendation that this project be terminated and all records concerning it expunged. Our soldiers'll be debriefed. Standard confidentiality clause. We will monitor the civillians and usual measures prepared should they try to go public. I don't think they will. The Initiative itself will be filled in with concrete. Burn it down, gentlemen. Burn it down, and salt the Earth.
***
XANDER: So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells? (To Oz) She does spells with Tara.
OZ: Yeah, I heard about that.
WILLOW: I'm gonna be late.
XANDER: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell ... and then I do a spell by myself.
***
BUFFY: Your costume is perfect. Nobody's gonna know the truth. You know, about you.
WILLOW: Costume?
BUFFY: You're already in character! Oh, I shoulda done that!
WILLOW: But how come there's - I mean, I was given to understand that a drama class would have, you know ... drama class. I mean, we haven't even rehearsed!
HARMONY: Well, maybe some people haven't.
RILEY: I showed up on time, so I got to be Cowboy Guy.
WILLOW: I just think it's really early to be putting on a play. I, I don't even know what... This isn't Madame Butterfly, is it, because I have a whole problem with opera.
***
TARA: Everyone's starting to wonder about you. The real you. If they find out, they'll punish you, I ... I can't help you with that.
WILLOW: Well, what should I ... what's after me? Is it something I-I was supposed to do? W-was I supposed to-
TARA: Shh.
WILLOW: What was that?
***
BUFFY: Stay low. What did it look like?
WILLOW: I don't know. I-I don't know what's after me.
BUFFY: Well, you must have *done* something.
WILLOW: No. I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty. I, I just came to class, and, and the play was starting.
BUFFY: Play is long over. Why are you still in costume?
WILLOW: Okay, still having to explain wherein this is just my outfit.
BUFFY: Willow, everybody already knows. Take it off.
WILLOW: No. No. I need it.
BUFFY: Oh, for god's sake, just take it off. That's better. It's much more realistic.
***
XANDER: Hey Joyce. Mrs. Summers. We're not making too much noise down there, are we?
JOYCE: Oh, no. Anyway, they all left a while ago.
XANDER: Oh, I should probably go catch up.
JOYCE: I've heard that before.
XANDER: I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after-
JOYCE: Conquest?
XANDER: I'm a conquistador.
JOYCE: You sure it isn't comfort?
XANDER: I'm a comfortador also.
JOYCE: I do know the difference. I've learned about boys.
XANDER: That's cool about you.
JOYCE: It's very late. Would you like to rest for a while?
XANDER: Um, yeah. I'd like you. I'm just ... gonna go to the bathroom first.
JOYCE: Don't get lost.
***
XANDER: Hey, there you are.
BUFFY: Are you sure it's us you were looking for?
SPIKE: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
GILES: Spike's like a son to me.
XANDER: That's good. I was into that for a while, but... I got other stuff goin' on. You gotta have something. Gotta be with movin' forward.
BUFFY: Like a shark.
XANDER: Like a shark with feet and ... much less fins.
SPIKE: And on land!
GILES: Very good!
XANDER: Buffy, are you sure you wanna play there? It's a pretty big sandbox.
BUFFY: I'm okay. It's not coming for me yet.
XANDER: I just mean ... you can't protect yourself from ... some stuff.
BUFFY: I'm way ahead of you, big brother.
XANDER: Brother?
***
ANYA: I've been thinking about getting back into vengeance.
XANDER: Is that right?
ANYA: Well, you know how I miss it. I'm so at loose ends since I quit. I think this is going to be a very big year for vengeance.
XANDER: But ... isn't vengeance kind of ... vengeful?
ANYA: You don't want me to have a hobby.
XANDER: Not a vengeance hobby, no! It's dangerous. People can't do anything they want. Society has rules, and borders, and an end zone. It doesn't matter if- Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon.
***
MALE VOICE: Where are you from, Harris?
XANDER: Well, the basement, mostly.
MALE VOICE: Were you born there?
XANDER: Possibly.
SNYDER: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there ... waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
XANDER: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
SNYDER: Where are you heading?
XANDER: Well, I'm supposed to meet Tara and Willow. And possibly Buffy's mom.
SNYDER: Your time is running out.
XANDER: No, I'm just trying to get away. There's ... something I can't fight.
SNYDER: Are you a soldier?
XANDER: I'm a comfortador.
SNYDER: You're neither. You're a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.
XANDER: I'm getting a cramp.
***
XANDER'S DAD: What the hell is wrong with you? You won't come upstairs? What are you ... ashamed of us? Your mother's crying her guts out!
XANDER: You don't understand.
DAD: No. You don't understand. The line ends here with us, and you're not gonna change that. You haven't got the heart.
***
SPIKE: I've hired myself out as an attraction.
GILES: Sideshow freak?
SPIKE: Well, at least it's showbiz.
GILES: What am I supposed to do with all of this?
SPIKE: You gotta make up your mind, Rupes. What are you wasting time for? Haven't you figured it all out yet, with your enormous squishy frontal lobes?
GILES: I still think Buffy should have killed you.
BALD MAN: I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.
GILES: Honestly, you meet the most appalling sorts of people.
***
GILES: I'm so sorry I'm late. There's a great deal going on. And all at once!
WILLOW: Don't we know it. Only at death's door over here, look at Xander!
XANDER: Got the sucking chest wound swingin'. I promised Anya I'd be there for her big night. Now I'll probably be pushing up daisies, in the sense of being in the ground underneath them and fertilizing the soil with decomposition.
ANYA: Okay. A man ... walks into the office of a doctor. He's wearing on his head, um... Wait, there's, there's a, there's a duck. Is that right?
MAN IN CROWD: You suck!
ANYA: Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion.
GILES: She's doing quite well.
WILLOW: Do you know this is your fault?
GILES: We have to think of the facts, Willow. I'm very busy. I have a gig myself, you know.
WILLOW: Something's after us. It's, uh, like some primal ... some animal force.
GILES: That used to be us.
XANDER: Don't get linear on me now, man.
ANYA: And ... then the duck tells the doctor that there's a man, that's attached to my ass. See, it was the duck, and not the man that spoke.
WILLOW: Rupert. You've gotta focus. You must have some kind of explanation. If we don't know what we're fighting, I don't think we stand a chance.
GILES: (sings) It's strange, it's not like anything we've faced before. It seems familiar somehow. Of course! The spell we cast with Buffy Must have released Some primal evil that's come back seeking I'm not sure what. Willow, look through the chronicles For some reference To a warrior beast. I've got to warn Buffy There's every chance she might be next. Xander, help Willow And try not to bleed on my couch I've just had it steam-cleaned.
***
GILES: I know who you are. And I can defeat you ... with my intellect. I ... can cripple you with my thoughts. Of course, you underestimate me. You couldn't know. You never had a Watcher.
***
TARA (To Buffy): You think you know ... what's to come ... what you are. You haven't even begun.
BUFFY: I think I need to go find the others.
TARA: Be back before dawn.
***
RILEY: Hey there, killer.
BUFFY: Riley? You're back.
RILEY: I never left.
BUFFY: But how did the debriefing go?
RILEY: I told you not to worry about that. It went great. They made me surgeon general.
BUFFY: Why didn't you come and tell me? We could have celebrated.
RILEY: Oh. We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think.
BUFFY: World domination? I-is that a good?
RILEY: Baby, we're the government. It's what we do.
ADAM: She's uncomfortable with certain concepts. It's understandable. Aggression is a natural human tendency. Though you and me come by it another way.
BUFFY: We're not demons.
ADAM: Is that a fact?
RILEY: Buffy, we've got important work here. A lot of filing, giving things names.
BUFFY: (To Adam) What was yours?
ADAM: Before Adam? Not a man among us can remember.
COMPUTER VOICE: The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives.
ADAM: This could be trouble.
RILEY: We better make a fort.
ADAM: I'll get some pillows.
***
BUFFY: I'm never gonna find them here.
TARA: Of course not. That's the reason you came.
BUFFY: You're not in my dream.
TARA: I was borrowed. Someone has to speak for her.
BUFFY: Let her speak for herself. That's what's done in polite circles. Why do you follow me?
TARA: I don't.
BUFFY: Where are my friends?
TARA: You're asking the wrong questions.
BUFFY: Make her speak.
TARA: I have no speech. No name. I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute ... alone.
BUFFY: The Slayer.
TARA: The first.
BUFFY: I am not alone.
TARA: The Slayer does not walk in this world.
BUFFY: I walk. I talk. I shop, I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out. And I don't sleep on a bed of bones. Now give me back my friends.
FIRST SLAYER: No ... friends! Just the kill. We ... are ... alone!
***
BUFFY: Are you quite finished? It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really gonna have to get over the whole ... primal power thing. You're *not* the source of me. Also, in terms of hair care, you really wanna say, what kind of impression am I making in the workplace? 'Cause-
***
WILLOW: The First Slayer. Wow.
XANDER: Not big with the socialization.
WILLOW: Or the floss.
GILES: Somehow our joining with ... Buffy and ... invoking the essence of the, the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
BUFFY: You know, you could have brought that up to us *before* we did it.
GILES: I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
BUFFY: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
***
GILES: You all right?
BUFFY: Yeah. I think I might jump in the shower.
GILES: You seem a bit, uh...
BUFFY: A little. The First Slayer. I never really thought about it. It was intense. I-I guess you guys got a taste of that, huh.
XANDER: Yeah, from now on, you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams. Is that clear?
WILLOW: It's not good for the sleepin'.
BUFFY: Ah... Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know *where* the hell that came from.
***
TARA VOICEOVER: You think you know ... what's to come ... what you are. You haven't even begun.
***
