Extreme. I did Burning Man in Black Rock, ohhh, such a great festival, you should've been there. They had drum rituals, mobile sculptures, raves, naked mud dances, you would've just... hated it with a fiery passion!

- Giles & Ms. Calendar

***

Yo! G-man! What's up?

Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.

- Xander & Giles

***

We have been put down, kinsmen. We have lost our way. We have lost the night. But despair is for the living. Where they are weak, we will be strong. Where they weep, we rejoice. Where they bleed, we drink! Within three days a New Hope will arise. We will put our faith in him. He will show us the way.

- Absalom

***

Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom!

- Xander to Buffy

***

So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu!

The Anointed One. He's been gathering forces somewhere in town. I'm not sure why.

Guess I'll find out soon enough, huh?

You don't sound too concerned.

I can handle myself. Besides, I could use a little action anyway.

Don't underestimate the Anointed One just because he looks like a child. He has power over the rest of them. They'll do anything for him.

Is that it? Is that everything? Y'know, 'cause you woke me up from a really good dream.

Sorry. I'll go.

- Buffy & Angel

***

Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Now, that was a good insult.

A little too good.

- Buffy, Xander & Willow

***

Buffy's never acted like this before. Ever since she got back she's... different.

Buffy's always been different.

She's never been mean.

- Willow & Xander

***

I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.

I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.

What are you afraid of? Me? Us?

Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.

- Angel & Buffy

***

Xander? Did I ever thank you... for saving my life?

No.

Don't you wish I would?

- Buffy & Xander

***

Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of- the-year, aren't you?

As defending champion, you nervous?

I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor.

And this great favor is...

I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it.

Excuse me?

Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

- Cordelia & Buffy

***

Possessed?

That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.

Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? She's possessed.

- Giles, Willow, & Xander

***

Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened. That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?

Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.

A bitca?

- Xander, Willow, & Giles on Buffy

***

They're gonna bring him back. They're gonna bring the Master back to life, and I seem to recall you telling me he was history.

Buffy, I-I-I've never heard of a-a revivification ritual being successful.

But you've heard of them? Thanks for the warning.

- Buffy & Giles

***

This is Cordelia's. 'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.'

They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.

- Buffy & Xander

***

Y'know, being stalked isn't really a big turn-on for girls.

You need help. Someone to watch your back.

Sure you don't mean my neck?

Why are you ridin' me?

Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?

You have to trust someone. You can't do this alone.

I trust me.

You're not as strong as you think.

You think you can take me?

What?

Oh, c'mon! I mean, you must've thought about it. What would happen if it ever came down to a fight, you vampire, me the Slayer, I mean, you must've wondered! Well, why don't we find out?

I'm not gonna fight you.

Come on! Kick my ass!

Don't you have somewhere to be?

I do.

Well, you're wasting time.

Just stay out of my way.

Happy to oblige.

- Buffy & Angel

***

I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you'd worked with us for five seconds, you coulda stopped this.

- Xander to Buffy

***

Your day is done, girl. I'll grind you into a *sticky* paste, and hear you beg before I smash in your face.

So, are you gonna kill me or are we just making small talk?

- Absalom & Buffy

***

What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?

What?

It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains.

Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains.

- Cordelia & Ms. Calendar

***

Some Assembly Required

I just thought you'd have somebody with you. Xander or someone.

Xander.

Or someone.

Nope. Why? Are you jealous?

Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.

Is it 'cause I danced with him?

'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer.

Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.

I am *not* jealous.

You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?

See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

Well, I didn't come here to fight. Oh, right, I did.

What do you mean he's just a kid? Does that mean I'm just a kid, too?

Look, obviously I made a mistake coming here tonight.

Oh, no you don't. You can't just turn and walk away from me like that. It takes more than that to get rid of me.

- Angel & Buffy

***

W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um... and I-I don't mean to appear indecorous, is, is, um, a, a-a-a social engagement, um, a, a, a, a-a date, if you're amenable. You idiot!

Boy... I guess we never realized how much you like that chair.

I-I-I was just working on...

Your pickup lines?

Um, in a manner of speaking, yes.

Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.

Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on.

I fear you.

- Giles, Buffy, & Xander

***

Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.

I *know* you meant to say gross and disturbing.

Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must, must put a stop to it. Damn it.

- Giles & Buffy

***

Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled.

Alright, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?

Xander?

Huh?

Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.

Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?

- Cordelia, Xander, & Giles

***

I couldn't believe Angel. He was acting all jealous, and he wouldn't even admit it.

Jealous of what?

Of Xander.

Because you did that sexy dance with him?

Am I ever gonna live that down?

No.

Anyway, he was being totally irrational.

Love makes you do the wacky.

That's the truth.

- Buffy & Willow

***

Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.

Here, here.

Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

- Xander, Giles, & Buffy

***

Well, what I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think they kept some parts.

Could this get yuckier?

They probably kept the other parts to eat.

Question answered.

- Angel, Buffy, & Willow

***

Is this your normal strategy for a first date? Dissing my country's national pastime?

Did you just say 'date'?

You noticed that, huh?

- Jenny & Giles

***

Sorry about all this.

It's okay. Although a good rule of thumb for a first date is don't do anything so exciting that it'll be hard to top on the second date.

Believe it or not, since I've moved here to live on top of the Hellmouth, the events of this evening actually qualify as a slow night. Did you just say 'second date'?

You noticed that, huh?

- Giles & Jenny

***

Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?

All the time.

- Xander & Willow

***

Love makes you do the wacky.

What?

Crazy stuff.

Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?

Are you fessing up?

I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.

I don't love Xander.

Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.

I don't look that good in direct light.

- Buffy & Angel

***

School Hard

*You* were *there*? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.

I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

- Spike

***

Any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here... step on up.

- Spike

***

What can you really tell about a person from a test score?

Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.

- Buffy & Joyce

***

Nice work, love.

Who are you?

You'll find out on Saturday.

What happens on Saturday?

I kill you.

- Spike & Buffy

***

We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.

You said you weren't sure if you were going.

I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?

Wow, two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still, like, four hundred dates with four hundred different... Why do they call it a mace?

- Buffy, Angel, & Willow

***

Slaaayer! Here, kitty, kittyyy. I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck 'em dry. And use their bones to bash your head in.

Are you getting a word picture here?

- Spike

***

Come up against this Slayer yet?

She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog 'I'm all tortured' act. Keeps her off my back when I feed!

People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!

I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.

- Spike, Angel, & Xander

***

Fe, fi, fo fum. I smell the blood of a nice ripe girl.

Do we really need weapons for this?

I just like them. They make me feel all manly.

- Spike & Buffy

***

You shouldn'ta come here.

No. I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored. I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.

No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.

- Buffy & Spike

***

A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

- Spike

***

Inca Mummy Girl

Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea.

What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?

There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself.

- Xander & Willow

***

Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bity blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.

It's as if you know me.

- Buffy & Giles

***

You are strange.

Girls always tell me that. Right before they run away.

- Ampata & Xander

***

Ampata's only staying two weeks.

Yeah. And then Xander can find someone else who's not me to obsess about. At least with you I knew he didn't have a shot. Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.

Good for you.

Well, I didn't choose yet.

- Buffy & Willow

***

Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance.

Why was that so scary?

Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.

- Xander & Ampata

***

Hello, Xander.

Hho hee ze thee ai uh...

I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful.

Hyav su.

You're welcome.

- Ampata, Xander, & Buffy

***

I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.

Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.

I had you to bring me back.

- Buffy & Xander

***

Reptile Boy

What are you sayin', you wanna have a date?

No.

You don't wanna have a date?

Who said 'date'? I-I-I never said 'date'.

Right. You just wanna have coffee or somethin'.

Coffee?

I knew this was gonna happen.

What? What do you think is happening?

You're sixteen years old. I'm two hundred and forty-one.

I've done the math.

You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you want...

Oh. No, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation.

Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.

One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?

I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control.

Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.

No. When you kiss me I wanna die.

- Angel & Buffy

***

You'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.

Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?

- Willow & Xander to Buffy

***

I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.

Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... That's not askew, that's cockeyed.

Askew means cockeyed.

Oh.

- Willow & Xander

***

Did... she have a date?

Well... Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?! Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy.

- Angel & Willow

***

I told one lie, I had one drink.

Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture.

- Buffy & Giles

***

Halloween

Dates are things normal girls have. Girls who have time to think about nail polish and facials. You know what I think about? Ambush tactics. Beheading. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of.

- Buffy to Angel

***

Those wacky vampires! That's why I love 'em! They just keep you guessing!

- Willow

***

I heard some guys say she was fast.

I hope you mean like the wind.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

That's my friend that you're talkin' about!

Oh, yeah? Well, what're you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna do what any man would do about it: somethin' damn manly.

- Larry & Xander

***

Larry was about to pummel me!

Oh, that? Forget about it!

Oh, I'll forget about it. In maybe fifteen, twenty years when my rep for being a sissy man finally fades!

- Xander & Buffy

***

Do you stuff your own shirts, or do you send them out?

- Buffy to Giles

***

You're missing the whole point of Halloween.

Free candy?

It's come as you aren't night. The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild with no repercussions.

Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

- Buffy & Willow

***

She's tricky. Baby likes to play.

- Spike on Buffy

***

Somewhere out here is the *tenderest* meat you've *ever* tasted, and all *we* have to do is find her first!

- Spike on Buffy

***

Janus. Roman mythical god.

What does this mean?

Primarily the division of self. Male and female, light and dark.

Chunky and creamy. Oh, no, sorry, that's peanut butter.

- Giles, Willow, & Ethan

***

Who you are? The Watcher, sniveling, tweed-clad guardian of the Slayer and her kin? I think not. I know who you are, Rupert, and I know what you're capable of. But they don't, do they? They have no idea where you come from.

- Ethan

***

Look at you. Shaking. Terrified. Alone. Lost little lamb. I love it.

- Spike to Buffy

***

Hi, honey. I'm home.You know what? It's good to be me.

- Buffy to Spike

***

Hello?! It felt like I was talking, my lips were moving and...

Give it up, Cordy. You're never gonna get between those two. Believe me, I know.

Cordelia & Xander on Buffy & Angel

***

*** Format Change***

Lie to Me

Xander: Hey, it's me. If Angel's doing somethin' wrong, I wanna know. 'Cause it gives me a happy!

***

Buffy: Hey, are you busy tonight? We're going to the Bronze, it's the local club, and you have to come.

Ford: I'd love to! But if you guys already had plans... Would I be imposing?

Xander: No, only in the literal sense.

***

Willow: That's Angel.

Xander: He's Buffy's beau. Her special friend.

Ford: He's not in school, right? He looks older than her.

Xander: You're not wrong.

***

Ford: What's goin' on?

Buffy: Um... uh, there was a, a cat. A cat here, and, um, then there was a-another cat... and they fought. The cats. And... then they left.

Ford: Oh. I thought you were just slaying a vampire.

***

Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feelin' guilty... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

***

Willow: Boy, we blend right in.

Xander: In no way do we stick out like sore thumbs.

Angel: Let's look around. You guys check out downstairs.

Xander: Sure thing, Bossy the cow!

Willow: Okay, but do they really stick out?

Xander: What?

Willow: Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!'

Xander: You have too many thoughts.

***

Giles: Uh, honestly, I, I've always, I've always been interested in, in, uh, monster trucks.

Buffy: You took him to monster trucks?

Jenny: I thought it would be a change!

Giles: It was a change.

Jenny: Look, we could've just left.

Giles: Wha-what, and miss the nitro-burning funny cars? No, couldn't have that.

***

Spike: Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?

Ford: I know who you are.

Spike: Yeah, I know who I am, too. So what?

Ford: I came looking for you, Spike. You are Spike, right? William the Bloody?

Spike: You've got a real death wish. It's almost interesting.

***

Spike: I've known you for two minutes, and I can't stand you. I don't really feature you livin' forever. Can I eat him now, love?

Ford: Well, feature this: I'm offering you a trade. You make me a vampire, and I give you the Slayer.

***

Angel: Do you love me?

Buffy: What?

Angel: Do you?

Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.

***

Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was... an obsession of mine. She was pure and sweet and chaste...

Buffy: And you made her a vampire.

Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.

***

Xander: Angel was in your bedroom?

Willow: Ours is a forbidden love.

***

Buffy: Ford, these people don't deserve to die!

Ford: Well, neither do I! But apparently no one took that into consideration, 'cause I'm still dying.

Ford: I look good, don't I? Well, let me tell you something: I've got maybe six months left, and by then what they bury won't even *look* like me. It'll be bald and shriveled and it'll smell bad. No, I'm not going out that way.

Ford: I'm sorry, Summers. Did I screw up your righteous anger riff? Does the nest of tumors liquefying my brain kinda spoil the fun?

Buffy: I'm sorry. I had no idea. But what you're doing is still very wrong.

Ford: Okay, well, you try vomiting for twenty-four hours straight because the pain in your head is so intense, and *then* we'll discuss the concept of right and wrong. These people are sheep. They wanna be vampires 'cause they're lonely, miserable or bored. I don't have a choice.

Buffy: You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice! You're opting for mass murder here, and nothing you say is gonna make that okay!

***

Willow: Are there vampires?

Buffy: They're contained. They'll get out eventually, though. We should probably go. We can come back when they're gone.

Xander: Come back for what?

Buffy: For the body.

***

Buffy: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get.

Giles: I believe that's called growing up.

Buffy: I'd like to stop then, okay?

Giles: I know the feeling.

Buffy: Does it ever get easy?

Giles: You mean life?

Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?

Giles: What do you want me to say?

Buffy: Lie to me.

Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.

Buffy: Liar.

***

The Dark Age

Giles: Must we have this noise during your calisthenics?

Buffy: It's not noise! It's music!

Giles: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise.

Buffy: I'm aerobicising! I must have a beat!

Giles: Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears.

***

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.

Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be mathier.'

Willow: C'mon, you don't think he ever got restless as a kid?

Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.

***

Xander: Ooo, gang, did ya hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever!

***

Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy-duddy?

Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.

Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy?

Giles: Well, no. Actually that, that part usually gets left out. I c-can't imagine why.

***

Giles: Cordelia!

Cordelia: What?! Why does everyone always yell my name? I'm not deaf! And I can take a hint. What's the hint?

Giles: To come back later.

Cordelia: Yeah, when you've visited decaf land.

***

Xander: Y'know, computers are on the way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback.

Willow: And the abacus.

Xander: Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci.

***

Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?

Buffy: He was alone.

Xander: Give it time.

***

Giles: It's not right. I would be taking advantage.

Jenny: God, you just don't change, do you?

Giles: What?

Jenny: It's not right, it wouldn't be proper, people might get hurt. You're like a woman, Ripper. You cry at every funeral. You never had the strength for me. You don't deserve me. But guess what? You've got me. Under your skin.

***

Buffy: Talk to me! Giles, you're scaring me.

Giles: I'm sorry.

Buffy: Don't be sorry, be Giles. C'mon, we fight monsters. This is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat 'em up and they go away. This isn't any different!

Giles: It *is* different.

Buffy: Because you don't know how to stop it?

Giles: Because I created it!

***

Giles: I was twenty-one, studying history at Oxford. And, of course, the occult by night. I hated it. The tedious grind of study, the... overwhelming pressure of my destiny. I dropped out, I went to London... I fell in with the worst crowd that would have me. We practiced magicks. Small stuff for pleasure or gain. And Ethan and I discovered something... bigger.

Buffy: Eyghon.

Giles: Yes. One of us would, um... go into a deep sleep, and the others would, uh, summon him. It was an extraordinary high! God, we were fools.

Buffy: You couldn't control it.

Giles: One of us, Randall, he lost control. Eyghon took him whole. We tried to exorcise the demon from Randall, but it killed him. No. We killed him. We thought we were free of the demon after that. But now he's back. And one by one, he will kill us all.

***

Buffy: Ethan? Ethan? Giles told me everything. Look, it's coming for you.

Ethan: And you came to protect me? I'm touched.

Buffy: Don't worry, it's nothing personal. To protect Giles I have to protect you.

Ethan: How does Ripper inspire such goodness?

Buffy: 'Cause he's Giles.

Ethan: And I'm not. Still, lucky me.

***

Ethan: Well, we can't run. Eyghon will find us. This mark's like a homing beacon.

Buffy: That's okay. I'm not much into running.

Ethan: Aren't we manly?

Buffy: One of us is. You're gonna hide till it's over.

Ethan: Excellent plan.

***

Buffy: You know what? I'm not real interested in joining your club.

Ethan: Too late. I already voted you in. Y'know, I hope you're not taking this personally, Buffy. I actually kinda like you. It's ju, it's just that I like myself a whole lot more. If you think of it karmically, this is, this is really big for your soul.

Ethan: You know, taking my place with the demon, giving so that others may live.

Buffy: I'm gonna kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?

***

Cordelia: I've got the solution right here. 'To kill a demon cut off its head.'

Xander: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! We'll, uh, find Ms. Calendar, then we'll decapitate her. Hey! She'll be the first headless computer teacher in school. You think anybody'll notice?

Cordelia: Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain.

Xander: That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on!

Cordelia: I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you!

Xander: Give it your best shot.

Willow: HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!

Cordelia: We're sorry.

Xander: We'll be good.

***

Angel: I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... just waitin' for a good fight.

Buffy: Winner and still champion.

***

Buffy: Hey! Maybe you should consider a career as a Watcher.

Willow: Oh, no, I don't think I could handle the stress.

Xander: And the dental plan is crap.

Willow: I don't see how Giles does it.

Buffy: I don't think he has a choice.

***

Giles: I never wanted you to see that side of me.

Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.

Giles: Most grownups are.

***

Buffy: And you know what? I have just the perfect music. Go on, say it. You know you want to.

Giles: It's not music, it's just, uh, meaningless sounds.

Buffy: There. Feel better?

Giles: Yes. Thanks.

***

Giles: Bay City Rollers. Now, that's music.

Buffy: I didn't hear that.

***

What's My Line, Part 1

Willow: I'm kinda curious to find out what sort of career I could have.

Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.

Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.

Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. Okay, let's not all rush to disagree.

Buffy: You're not stupid.

***

Cordelia: 'I aspire to help my fellow man.' Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross.

Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.

Cordelia: Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice.

***

Buffy: Uh, we're having this thing at school.

Angel: Career week?

Buffy: How did you know?

Angel: I lurk.

***

Buffy: The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before.

Angel: Before me.

Buffy: No, Angel, it's not you. You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. I just get messed sometimes. I wish we could be regular kids.

Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.

Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of- the-night boyfriend.

***

Buffy: Oh, my God. My Dorothy Hamill phase. My room in L.A. was pretty much a shrine. Dorothy dolls, Dorothy posters, I even got the Dorothy haircut. Thereby securing a place for myself in the geek hall of fame.

Angel: Hmm, you wanted to be like her?

Buffy: I wanted to *be* her. My parents were fighting all the time, and skating was an escape. I felt safe.

Angel: When was the last time you put on your skates?

Buffy: About a couple of hundred demons ago.

Angel: There's a rink out past Route 17, it's... closed on Tuesdays.

Buffy: Tomorrow's Tuesday.

Angel: I know.

***

Xander: They just put up the assignments for the career fair, and according to my test results I can look forward to being gainfully employed in the growing field of corrections.

Buffy: Well, at least you'll be on the right side of the bars.

Xander: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Laugh now, missy, they assigned you to the booth for law enforcement professionals.

Buffy: As in police?

Xander: As in polyester, doughnuts and brutality.

***

Buffy: Y'know, if you don't like the way I'm doing my job, why don't you find somebody else? Oh, that's right, there can only be one. As long as I'm alive, there is no one else. Well, there you go! I don't have to be the Slayer. I could be dead.

Giles: That wasn't terribly funny. You notice I don't laugh.

Buffy: Wouldn't be much of a change. Either way I'm bored, constricted, I never get to shop, and my hair and fingernails still continue to grow. So really, when you think about it, what's the diff?

***

Buffy: The Hellmouth presents: Dead Guys On Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for.

Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means?

Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?

***

Buffy: These assassins, why are they after me?

Willow: 'Cause you're the scourge of the underworld?

Buffy: I haven't been that scourgey lately.

***

Buffy: Try it!

Oz: Try what?

Buffy: Uh... I-I'm sorry.

Oz: Still not clear what I'm supposed to try.

Buffy: Nothing. God, I'm... sorry, I...

Oz: That is a tense person.

***

Willow: I've never seen Buffy like that. She just took off.

Xander: Well, she didn't go home. I let the phone ring a few hundred times before I remembered her mom is out of town.

Giles: Well, maybe Buffy unplugged the phone.

Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.

***

Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?

Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.

Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi *and* your punching bag.

Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

***

Kendra: Who are you?

Buffy: Who am I? You attacked me! Who, the hell, are you?!

Kendra: I am Kendra! De Vampire Slayer!

***

What's My Line, Part 2

Giles: And you are called...?

Kendra: I am de Vampire Slayer.

Buffy: We got that part, hon. He means your name.

Kendra: Oh. Dey call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.

Buffy: Can you say 'stuck in the 80's'?

***

Buffy: Back off, pink ranger! This is my friend.

Kendra: Friend?

Buffy: Yeah. As in person you hang with? Amigo?

Kendra: I don't understand.

Buffy: You try. I'm tapped.

***

Kendra: She died?

Buffy: Just a little.

Giles: She drowned, but she was revived.

Willow: So there really are two of them!

Giles: It would seem so. This is completely unprecedented! I'm quite flummoxed.

***

Buffy: Then why the hell did you attack me?

Kendra: I tought you were a vampire.

Buffy: Oh, a swing and a miss for the rookie.

Kendra: I had good reason to tink you were. Did I not see you kissing a vampire?

Willow: Buffy would never do that! Oh. Except for that sometimes you do that. But only with Angel. Right?

Buffy: Yes! Right. Look, you saw me with Angel, and he is a vampire, but he's good.

Kendra: Angel? You mean Angelus? I've read about him. He is a monster.

***

Spike: Talk and I'll have your guts for garters.

Willy: Wild horses couldn't drag it.

***

Willy: What are you gonna do with him anyway?

Spike: I'm thinkin' maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.

***

Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.

Kendra: No wonder you died.

***

Drusilla: (To Angel) You've been a very bad daddy.

***

Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?

Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?

Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...

Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.

Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?

***

Buffy: Get a load of the she-Giles.

Willow: Creepy.

Buffy: Ew. I'll bet Giles wishes I was more of a book geek.

Willow: Giles is enough of a book geek for the both of you.

Buffy: Yeah, but did you see how they were vibing? Volume six, ha, ha, ha!

Willow: Buffy, no one could replace you. You'll always be Giles' favorite.

Buffy: I wonder.

Willow: Of course, you will. You're *his* Slayer. The *real* Slayer.

Buffy: No. I wonder if it would be so bad, being replaced.

Willow: You mean, like, letting Kendra take over?

Buffy: Maybe. I mean, maybe after this thing with Spike and the assassins is over, I could say, 'Kendra, you slay, I'm going to Disneyland.'

***

Xander: I have a plan. We wait. Buffy saves us.

Cordelia: How will she even know where to find us?

Xander: Cordelia, this is Buffy's house. Odds are she'll find us.

Cordelia: Well, what if she doesn't? What am I supposed to do? Just waste away down here with you? Haw, haw, no thank you!

Xander: What are you doin'?

Cordelia: Going to see if he's gone!

Xander: That's brilliant! What if he isn't?

Cordelia: Oh, right! You think we should just slack here and hope that somebody else *decides* to be a hero? Sorry, forgot I was stranded with a LOSER!

Xander: And yet I never forgot that I'm stuck with the numb-brain that let Mr. Mutant in the house in the FIRST PLACE!

Cordelia: HE LOOKED NORMAL!

Xander: What, is he supposed to have an arrow with the word 'assassin' over his head?! All it took was the prospect of a free makeover, and you licked his hand like a big, dumb dog!

Cordelia: You know what? I'm going.

Cordelia: I'd rather be worm food than look at *your* pathetic face!

Xander: Then go! I'm not stopping ya!

Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't! I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!

Xander: Not just any girl. You're special.

Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here WITH YOU!

Xander: I *hope* these are my last few moments! Three more seconds with you, and I'm gonna...

Cordelia: I'm gonna what? Coward!

Xander: Moron!

Cordelia: I *hate* you!

Xander: I HATE YOU!

***

Buffy: Hey, Will, don't look, okay, but... No, don't look! That guy over there is totally checking you out.

Willow: Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing computer nerd solidarity.

Buffy: Really? Then why is he on his way over here right now?

Buffy: Told you!

Oz: Hey.

Willow: Hey! Your hair! Is brown!

Oz: Oh, yeah, sometimes. So, uh, did you decide? Are you gonna be a Corporate Computer Suit Guy?

Willow: Oh. Uh, well, I-I think I'm gonna finish high school first. What about you?

Oz: I'm not really a computer person, you know. Or a work of any kind person.

Willow: Then why'd they select you?

Oz: Oh, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. E-except that it leads to jobs.

Willow: Well, don't you have some ambition?

Oz: Oh, yeah! Yeah. E-flat, diminished ninth.

Willow: Huh?

Oz: Well, the E-flat, it's, it's doable, but that diminished ninth, y'know, it's a man's chord. Now, you could lose a finger.

***

Buffy: How is he?

Willow: He's shot! Are you okay?

Oz: I, uh, I'm shot! Y'know. Wow! It's odd! And painful.

***

Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter.

Buffy: Just say hello, Xander.

Xander: Welcome. So! You're a Slayer, huh? I like that in a woman.

Kendra: Uh... I hope... I tank you... I mean, sir, um... I will be of service.

Xander: Great! Good. It's good to be a giver.

***

Buffy: They need Drusilla's sire. You mean the vamp that made her?

Giles: Yes.

Willow: Buffy, what is it?

Buffy: Angel. He's Drusilla's sire.

Xander: Man, that guy got major neck in his day!

***

Kendra: I'm wit you.

Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

***

Drusilla: The lamb is caught in the blackberry patch. My mummy ate lemons. Raw.

Drusilla: She said she loved the way they made her mouth... tingle. Little Anne. Her favorite was custard... brandied pears.

Angel: Dru...

Drusilla: Shhh! And pomegranates. They used to make her face and fingers aaall red.

Drusilla: Remember? Hmm? Little fingers. Little hands. Do you?

Angel: If I could...

Drusilla: Bite your tongue! They used to eat cake, and eggs, and honey. Until you came and ripped their throats out.

***

Kendra: Sorry! Dis, uh, trigger mechanism is different. Perhaps when dis is over you can, uh, show me how to work it.

Buffy: When this is over I'm thinking pineapple pizza and teen video movie fest. Possibly something from the Ringwald oeuvre.

***

Xander: Okay. Okay. He can only be killed when he's in his disassembled state. Disassembled. That means when he's broken down into his liiittle buggy parts.

Cordelia: I know what it means, *dorkhead*.

Xander: Dorkhead! You slash me with your words!

***

Drusilla: Say 'Uncle'. Oh, that's right, you killed my uncle.

Spike: That's it, then. Off to church.

Drusilla: It makes pretty colors.

Spike: Pft! I'll see him die soon enough. I've never been much for the pre-show.

Angel: Too bad. That's what Drusilla likes best, as I recall.

Spike: What's that supposed to mean?

Angel: Ask her. She knows what I mean.

Spike: Well?

Drusilla: (to Angel) Shhh! Grrrruff! Bad dog.

Angel: You shoulda let me talk to him, Dru. Sounds like your boy could use some pointers. She likes to be teased.

Spike: Keep your hole shut!

Angel: Take care of her, Spike. The way she touched me just now? I can tell when she's not satisfied.

Spike: I said SHUT UP!

Angel: Or maybe you two just don't have the fire we had.

Spike: That's enough.

Drusilla: Spike, no!

Drusilla: Shhh.

Spike: Oh! Right. Right, you almost got me! Aren't you a 'throw himself to the lions' sort of sap these days. Well, the lions are on to you, baby. See, if I kill you now you go quick, and Dru hasn't got a chance. And if Dru dies your little Rebecca of Sunnyhell Farm and all her mates are spared her coming-out party.

Drusilla: Spike, the moon is rising. It's time.

Spike: Too bad, Angelus. Looks like you go the hard way. Along with the rest of this miserable town.

***

Kendra: It's as I feared. He clouds your judgment. We can't stop dis ritual alone!

Buffy: Are you listening to me? He could die!

Kendra: He's a vampire. He *should* die. Why am I de only person who sees it?

***

Spike: Are you tripping?! You bring her here?! Now?!

Willy: You said you wanted her.

Spike: In the ground, pinhead! I wanted her dead.

Willy: Now, that's not what I heard. Word was there was a bounty on her dead or alive.

Spike: You heard wrong, Willy.

Buffy: Angel.

Spike: Yeah. It bugs me, too, seeing him like that. Another five minutes, though, and Angel will be dead, so... I forebear. Don't feel too bad for Angel, though, he's got something you don't have.

Buffy: What's that?

Spike: Five minutes.

***

Spike: Who the hell is this?!

Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.

Kendra: Two Slayers!

Buffy: No waiting!

***

Buffy: Switch!

Spike: I'd rather be fightin' you anyway.

Buffy: Mutual.

***

Willy: Now, there's a way in which this isn't my fault!

Spike: They tricked you.

Willy: Mm-hm! They were duplicitous!

Spike: Well, then I'll only kill you just this once.

***

Oz: Oh, hey! Animal cracker?

Willow: No, thank you. How's your arm?

Oz: Suddenly painless.

Willow: You can still play the guitar okay?

Oz: Oh, not well, but not worse.

Willow: Y'know, I never really thanked you.

Oz: Ooo, yeah, please don't. I don't do thanks. I get all red. Have to bail. It's not pretty.

Willow: Well, then forget that thing. E-especially with the part where I kind of owe you my life.

Oz: Oh, look! Monkey! And he has a little hat. And little pants.

Willow: Yeah, I-I see!

Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that?

Oz: You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen.

Oz: So, I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, 'Hey, man, where are *my* pants? I have my hippo dignity!'

Oz: And you know the monkey's just, 'I mock you with my monkey pants!'

Oz: And there's a big coup in the zoo.

Willow: The monkey is French?

Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?

Willow: No.

***

Xander: Okay, uh-uh-uh... here's the deal. We don't have to run every time we see each other in the hall.

Cordelia: Right. Okay. Why shouldn't we run?

Xander: What happened, there's a total explanation for it.

Cordelia: You're a pervert?

Xander: Me?

Cordelia: Yeah!

Xander: No-no-no-no! I seem to recall I was the jumpee, my friend!

Cordelia: As if! You've probably been planning this for months!

Xander: Right, I hired a Latvian bug man to kill Buffy so I could kiss you. I hate to burst your bubble, but you don't inspire me to spring for a dinner over at Bucky's Fondue Hut.

Cordelia: Fine! Whatever. You know, the point is: don't try it again!

Xander: I didn't try it! Forget about the bugs, okay? The memory of your lips on mine makes my blood run cold.

Cordelia: If you dare breathe a word of this...

Xander: Like I want anyone to know!

Cordelia: Then it's erased!

Xander: Never happened!

Cordelia: Good!

Xander: Good!

Cordelia: *Good*!

***

Buffy: I, um... I just wanted to thank you... for helping me save Angel.

Kendra: Mm. Am not tellin' me Watcher about dat. It is too strange dat a Slayer loves a vampire.

Buffy: Tell me about it.

Kendra: Still, he is pretty cute.

Buffy: Well, maybe they won't fire me for dating him.

Kendra: You always do dat.

Buffy: Do what?

Kendra: You talk about slaying like it's a job. It's not. It's who you are.

Buffy: Did you get that from your handbook?

Kendra: From you.

Buffy: I guess it's something I really can't fight. I'm a freak.

Kendra: Not de only freak.

Buffy: Not anymore.

***

Ted

Xander: How *is* Angel? Pretend I care.

Buffy: Getting better.

Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?

Buffy: Oh, yeah!

Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy: Xander...

***

Buffy: Any others?

Giles: Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not.

Buffy: What? I kill vampires, that's my job.

Giles: Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand.

***

Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.

Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?

Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?

Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?

Angel: Kiss me.

Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!

***

Buffy: Okay, so fine my score or whatever.

Ted: I think you're missing the point here, little lady. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that?

Buffy: It's just a game?

Ted: Right, it's just a game, do your own thing, well, I'm not wired that way. And I am here to tell you it is *not* a game! It *does* count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house!

Buffy: Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not *in* your house.

Ted: Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?

***

Cordelia: What's wrong with you?

Xander: I gave you a compliment.

Cordelia: In front of your friends! They're gonna know!

Xander: Know what?

Cordelia: Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it!

Xander: That we kissed?

Cordelia: Uhhh!

Xander: Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?

Cordelia: God! Is that all you ever think about? Okay.

***

Buffy: He was in my room. And we got into an argument.

Det. Stein: About what?

Buffy: He, um...

Det. Stein: Was this the first time that you two had had an argument?

Buffy: No. He threatened me. He, he said that he would slap me.

Det. Stein: That was tonight.

Buffy: No. But he had my diary, and I-I tried to take it back, a-and that's when he hit me.

Det. Stein: Where?

Det. Stein: Well, it doesn't look like he hit you very hard.

Buffy: I don't bruise easily.

Det. Stein: So you've been hit before?

Buffy: Yes.

Det. Stein: But Ted never hit you.

Buffy: I told you...

Det. Stein: Before tonight, Ted never hit you before tonight?

Buffy: What do you want? I-I told you what happened, I didn't mean to!

Det. Stein: I believe you. Things get outta hand. He's a big guy.

***

Buffy: We had a fight and I lost my temper. I really let him have it.

Willow: The paper said he fell.

Buffy: He fell. Hard.

Xander: What was he?

Buffy: What?

Xander: What was he? A-a demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature- feature here, right?

Xander: Oh man!

***

Buffy: He was a person, and I killed him.

Willow: Don't say that!

Buffy: Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the truth.

Xander: It was an accident.

Buffy: I'm the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that.

Xander: Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless...

Buffy: Unless they were dating my mother?

***

Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...

Xander: What, a license to kill?

Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?

Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.

Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?

***

Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock!

***

Xander: Let's go.

Cordelia: But we need evidence!

Xander: We got it.

Willow: What's in there?

Xander: His first four wives.

***

Ted: I already have your clothes. They're your size, they're always your size. You left me once, but I keep bringing you back. Husband and wife is forever. Forever.

***

Xander: So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker'o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.

Willow: The sad part is the real Ted must've been a genius. There were design features in that robot that pre-date...

Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.

Willow: Not any big ones.

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!

Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?

***

Bad Eggs

Buffy: Come on, Mom, please?

Joyce: I'm sorry, honey.

Buffy: Don't you understand how important this is?

Joyce: It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.

Buffy: But I looked good in it.

Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.

Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?

Joyce: You're just too young to wear that.

Buffy: Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it.

Joyce: That's the idea.

***

Willow: Buffy! How come you weren't in class?

Buffy: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?

Xander: I think the word you're searching for is 'absent'.

Willow: Tardy people show.

Buffy: Right.

***

Tector: That the Slayer?

Lyle: Yep.

Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her?

Lyle: Yep.

Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?

***

Buffy: No Gorches.

Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?

Buffy: Shut... up.

***

Willow: You boiled your young?

Xander: Yeah! I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind! I mean, you can bet that little Xander here is thick skinned now.

Giles: Technically that would be cheating, yes?

Xander: No! It's like a short cut. You know, when you run a race?

Buffy: That would also be cheating.

Willow: You should be ashamed.

Giles: I suppose there is a sort of... Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.

Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.

***

Buffy: Oh, I told you, that faux parenting gig we're doing at school. Like I'm really planning to have kids anytime soon. Uh, maybe *some*day, in the future, when I'm done having a life, but... right now kids would be just a little too much to deal with.

Angel: I wouldn't know. I don't... Well, you know, I, I can't.

Buffy: Oh. That's okay, um... I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.

Angel: So you don't think about the future?

Buffy: No.

Angel: Never?

Buffy: No.

Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?

Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, a-a... all I see is you! All I want is you.

Angel: I know the feeling.

***

Willow: Did I really hit you?

Xander: You knocked me out.

Cordelia: Did *I* hit you?

Xander: Yes, everyone hit me.

Cordelia: Good. Well, I don't mean 'good' because I hit you, but I didn't wanna be left out.

***

Surprise

Buffy: Um... I-I had this... dream that Drusilla was alive.

Angel: What happened?

Buffy: She killed you. Right in front of me.

Angel: It was just a dream. It wasn't real.

Buffy: But it felt so real.

***

Buffy: This is nice. I like seeing you first thing in the morning.

Angel: It's bedtime for me.

Buffy: Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime. Um... Um, heh... Y-you know what I mean.

Angel: I think so. What do you mean?

Buffy: I like seeing you. The part at the end of the night where we say good-bye... It's getting harder.

Angel: Yeah. It is.

***

Buffy: Hey, speaking of 'wow' potential, there's Oz over there. What are we thinking, any sparkage?

Willow: He's nice. Hey, I like his hands.

Buffy: Mm. A fixation on insignificant detail is a definite crush sign.

Willow: Oh, I don't know, though. I mean, he is a senior.

Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Willow: That's true. Uh... I guess... I just...

Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.

Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

Buffy: Well, you won't know until you try.

***

Willow: Hey.

Oz: Hey.

Willow: Do you guys, uh, have a gig tonight?

Oz: Oh, no. Practice. See, our band's kinda moving towards this new sound where... we suck, so... practice.

Willow: I think you guys sound good.

Oz: Thanks.

Willow: I bet you have a lot of groupies.

Oz: It happens. Now, I'm living groupie-free nowadays. I'm clean.

Willow: Oh.

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.

Willow: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes.

Oz: Yeah, it helps. It-it creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?

Willow: Oh! I can't!

Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.

Willow: Oh, it's just it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.

Oz: It's okay.

Willow: But you could come. If you want to.

Oz: Well, I don't wanna crash.

Willow: No, it's fine! Well, you could be m... my date.

Oz: All right. I'm in.

Willow: (to herself) I said 'date'.

***

Xander: I dunno. This... thing with us, despite our better judgment, it keeps happening. Maybe we should just admit that we're dating.

Cordelia: Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money.

Xander: Fine. I'll spend, then we'll grope. Whatever. I just think it's some kind of whacked that we feel we have to hide it from all our friends.

Cordelia: Well, of course *you* wanna tell everybody. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I, on the other hand, have *everything* to be ashamed of.

Xander: You know what? 'Nuff said. Forget it. It must've been my multiple-personality guy talking. I call him Idiot Jed, glutton for punishment.

***

Giles: Oh, good morning. Is everything in order for the party?

Xander: Absolutely. You ready to get down, you funky party weasel?

Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember: discretion is the better part of valor.

Xander: You coulda just said, 'shh!' God, are all you Brits such drama queens? Buffy, I feel a pre-birthday spanking coming on.

Jenny: I'd curb that impulse if I were you, Xander.

Xander: Check, cancel spanking.

***

Jenny: I promise you. Angel still suffers. And he makes amends for his evil. He even saved my life.

Enyos: So you just forget that he destroyed the most beloved daughter of your tribe?! That he *killed* every man, woman and child that touched her life?! Vengeance demands that his pain be eternal as ours is! If this, this girl gives him one *minute* of happiness, it is one minute too much!

Jenny: I'm sorry. I thought...

Enyos: You thought what?! You thought you are Jenny Calendar now?! You are still Janna, of the Kalderash people! A Gypsy.

***

Xander: Well, that's not a perky birthday puppy.

Willow: So much for our surprise party. I bought little hats and everything.

Xander: Mm-hm.

Willow: Oh, well. I guess I'll tell Cordelia.

Giles: No, you won't. We're having a party tonight.

Xander: Looks like Mr. Caution Man, but the sound he makes is funny.

***

Willow: Are you okay?

Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?

Willow: Uh, well, uh... sort of.

Xander: Yep. Vampires are real. A lot of them live in Sunnydale. Willow will fill you in.

Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.

Oz: Actually, it explains a *lot*.

***

Xander: Well, clearly the Hellmouth's answer to 'what do you get the Slayer who has everything?'

Giles: Good heavens. Buffy, are you all right?

Buffy: Man, that thing had major grip.

Willow: W-what was that?

Oz: It looked like an arm.

***

Angel: It-it's a legend... way before my time... of a demon brought forth to rid the Earth of the plague of humanity... separate the righteous from the wicked... and to burn the righteous down. They call him the Judge.

Giles: The Judge? This is he?

Angel: Not all of him.

Buffy: Um, still needing backstory here.

Giles: Um... He, he, he couldn't be killed, yes? Um, a-an army was sent against him. Most of them died... but, uh, finally they were able to dismember him, but, uh... not kill him.

Angel: The pieces were scattered... buried in every corner of the Earth.

Jenny: So all these parts are being brought here.

Buffy: By Drusilla. The vamps outside were Spike's men.

Angel: She's just crazy enough to do it.

Willow: Do what, reassemble the Judge?

Angel: And bring forth Armageddon.

***

Buffy: It's beautiful.

Angel: My people -- before I was changed -- they exchanged this as a sign of devotion. It's a claddagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... Well, you know... Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this.

***

Xander: Hmm, it's sad, granted. But let's look at the upside for a moment. I mean, what kind of a future would she've really had with him? She's got 2 jobs -- Denny's waitress by day, Slayer by night -- and Angel's always in front of the TV with a big blood belly, and he's dreamin' of the glory days when Buffy still thought this whole creature of the night routine was a big turnon.

Willow: You've thought way too much about this.

Xander: No, no. That's just the beginning. Have I told you the part where I fly into town in my private jet and take Buffy out for prime rib?

Willow: Xander...

Xander: And she cries?

***

Giles: The more I study the Judge, the less I like him. His touch can literally burn the humanity out of you. A true creature of evil can survive the process. No human ever has.

Xander: What's the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy, and we go for pizza.

***

Judge: You two stink of humanity. You share affection and jealousy.

Spike: Yeah. What of it? Do I have to remind you that we're the ones who brought you here?

***

Spike: Well, well. Look what we have here. Crashers.

Buffy: I'm sure our invitations just got lost in the mail.

Drusilla: It's delicious. I only dreamed you'd come. Rrrr.

Angel: Leave her alone.

Spike: Yeah, that'll work. Now say 'pretty please'.

Judge: The girl.

Drusilla: Chilling, isn't it? She's so full of good intention.

Angel: Take me!

Buffy: No!

Angel: Take me instead of her!

Spike: Uh, you're not clear on the concept, pal. There is no instead. Just first and second.

Drusilla: And if you go first, you don't get to watch the Slayer die.

***

Angel: I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop.

Buffy: Me, me, too. I can't either.

Angel: Buffy, maybe we shouldn't...

Buffy: Don't. Just kiss me.

***

Innocence

Judge: I am preparing.

Spike: Yeah. It's interesting to me that 'preparing' looks a great bit like sitting on your ass. When do we destroy the world already?

Judge: My strength grows, and with every life I take it will increase further.

Spike: So let's take some. I'm bored.

***

Xander: Do you think this Judge guy's already been assembled?

Giles: Yes.

Xander: Then Buffy could be... Okay, we gotta find 'em. Um, we gotta go to that place, that, uh, that factory. That's where they're holed up, right? Let's go.

Cordelia: And do what? Besides be afraid and die.

Xander: Well, nobody's asking you to go, Cordelia. If the vampires need grooming tips we'll give you a call.

Giles: Cordelia has a point. Now, i-i-if Buffy and Angel were, were... harmed, then we don't stand to fare much better.

Xander: Yeah? Well, those of us who were born with feelings are gonna do something about this.

Jenny: Xander.

Willow: No, Xander's right! My God, you people are all... Well, I'm upset, and I can't think of a mean word right now, but that's what you are, and we're going to the factory!

Xander: Yeah!

***

Spike: Did you see any further? Do you know what happens to Angel?

Angelus: Well, he moves to New York and tries to fulfill that Broadway dream. It's tough sledding, but one day he's working in the chorus when the big star twists her ankle.

Spike: You don't give up, do you?

Angelus: As long as there's injustice in the world, as long as scum like you is walking... well, rolling the streets... I'll be around. Look over your shoulder. I'll be there.

Spike: Uh, yeah. Angel, um... look over *your* shoulder.

Spike: Hurts, doesn't it?

Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.

Spike: Don't just stand there. Burn him.

Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken.

Spike: What the hell is going on?

Judge: This one... cannot be burnt. He is clean.

Spike: Clean? You mean, he's...

Judge: There's no humanity in him.

Angelus: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Drusilla: Angel.

Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.

***

Drusilla: Everything in my head is singing! We're family again. We'll feed. Grrr. And we'll play.

Spike: I've got to tell you, it made me sick to my stomach seeing you being the Slayer's lap dog.

***

Spike: You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?

Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.

***

Xander: Sorry I snapped at you before.

Cordelia: Well, I'm reeling from that new experience.

Xander: I was crazed. I wasn't thinking.

Cordelia: I know. You were too busy rushing off to die for your beloved Buffy. You'd never die for me.

Xander: No, I might die *from* you. Does that get me any points?

Cordelia: No.

Xander: Come on, can't we just kiss and make up?

Cordelia: I don't wanna make up. But I'm okay with the other part.

***

Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!

Xander: I know it's weird...

Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia' club, of which you are the treasurer.

Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.

Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?

Xander: All right, let's overreact, shall we?

Willow: But I'm...

Xander: Willow, we were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.

Willow: No. It just means that you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me.

***

Angelus: What? I took off.

Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left.

Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.

Buffy: What?

Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.

Buffy: What are you saying?

Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.

Buffy: I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?

Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.

Buffy: How can you say this to me?

Angelus: Lighten up. It was a good time. It doesn't mean like we have to make a big deal.

Buffy: It *is* a big deal!

Angelus: It's what? Bells ringing, fireworks, a dulcet choir of pretty little birdies? Come on, Buffy. It's not like I've never been there before.

Buffy: Don't touch me.

Angelus: I should've known you wouldn't be able to handle it.

Buffy: Angel! I love you.

Angelus: Love you, too. I'll call you.

***

Enyos: To the modern man vengeance is a verb, an idea. Payback. One thing for another. Like commerce. Not with us. Vengeance is a living thing. It passes through generations. It commands. It kills.

Jenny: You told me to watch Angel. You told me to keep him from the Slayer. I tried. But there are other factors. There are terrible things happening here that we cannot control.

Enyos: We control nothing. We are not wizards, Janna. We merely play our part.

Jenny: Angel could be of help to us. I mean, he may be the only chance we have to stop the Judge.

Enyos: It is too late for that.

Jenny: Why?

Enyos: The curse. Angel is meant to suffer, not to live as human. One moment of true happiness, of contentment, one moment where the soul that we restored no longer plagues his thoughts, and that soul is taken from him.

Jenny: Then, if somehow, if... if it's happened... then Angelus is back.

Enyos: I hoped to stop it. But I realize now it was arranged to be so.

Jenny: Buffy loves him.

Enyos: And now she will have to kill him.

Jenny: Unless he kills her first! Uncle, this is insanity! People are going to die.

Enyos: Yes. It is not justice we serve. It is vengeance.

Jenny: You are a fool. We're all fools.

***

Willow: Let's get this straight. I don't understand it, I don't wanna understand it, you have gross emotional problems, and things are not okay between us. But what's happening right now is more important than that.

Xander: Okay.

Willow: What about the Judge? Where do we stand?

Xander: On a pile of really boring books that say exactly the same thing.

Willow: Lemme guess: 'no weapon forged.'

Xander: 'It took an army.'

Willow: Yeah, where's an army when you need one? What?

Xander: Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan. Now I'm having a wiggins.

***

Willow: Angel...

Jenny: He's not Angel anymore. Are you?

Angelus: Wrong. I *am* Angel. At last!

Xander: Oh, my God.

Angelus: I got a message for Buffy.

Buffy: Why don't you give it to me yourself?

Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.

Buffy: This can't be you.

Angelus: Gee, we already covered that subject.

Buffy: Angel, there must be some part of you inside that still remembers who you are.

Angelus: Dream on, schoolgirl. Your boyfriend is dead. You're all gonna join him.

Buffy: Leave Willow alone, and deal with me.

Angelus: But she's so cute and helpless. Really a turn-on.

Angelus: Things are about to get *very* interesting.

***

Giles: Well, something set it off. Some, some, uh, event must've triggered his transformation. Well, if anyone would know, Buffy, it-it should be you.

Buffy: I don't.

Giles: Well, did anything happen last night that, that might...

Buffy: Giles, please, I can't.

Giles: Buffy, I'm sorry, but we can't afford to... Buffy!

Willow: Giles, shut up.

***

Cordelia: This is great. There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer is a basket case... I'd say we've hit bottom.

Xander: I have a plan.

Cordelia: Oh, no, here's a lower place.

***

Angelus: You should've seen her face. It was priceless. I'll never forget it.

Spike: So you didn't kill her then.

Angelus: Of course not.

Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'etre, you know.

Drusilla: You don't want to kill her, do you? You want to hurt her. Just like you hurt me.

Angelus: Nobody knows me like you do, Dru.

Spike: She'd better not get in our way.

Angelus: Don't worry about it.

Spike: I do.

Angelus: Spike, my boy, you *really* don't get it! Do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl... you have to love her.

***

Soldier: You got 20 minutes, nimrod.

Xander: I just need 5. Uh, forget I said that last part.

***

Cordelia: So, does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex? That's scary.

Xander: Yeah, I guess.

Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?

Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

***

Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot?

Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.

Oz: I get you.

Willow: Do you wanna make out with me?

Oz: What?

Willow: Forget it. I'm sorry. Well, do you?

Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... You know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage.

Oz: Oh, I'm not gonna kiss you.

Willow: What? But freeze frame!

Oz: Well, to the casual observer, it would appear that you're trying to make your friend Xander jealous or even the score or something. And that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy when I'm kissing *you*, you're kissing *me*. It's okay. I can wait.

***

Giles: He's doing this deliberately, Buffy. He's trying to make it harder for you.

Buffy: He's only making it easier. I know what I have to do.

Giles: What?

Buffy: Kill him.

***

Angelus: You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I'd known how easily you'd give it up, I wouldn't have even bothered.

Buffy: That doesn't work anymore. You're not Angel.

Angelus: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? It doesn't matter. The important thing is you made me the man I am today!

***

Angelus: You can't do it. You can't kill me.

Buffy: Give me time.

***

Giles: It's not over. I-I-I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile, uh, well, he... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.

Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.

Giles: No. No, no, I'm not.

Buffy: But this is all my fault.

Giles: No. I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. A-and I can. I know that you loved him. And... he... has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months a-are gonna, are gonna be hard... I, I suspect on all of us, but... if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is, is my support. And my respect.

***

Joyce: Well, go on, make a wish.

Buffy: I'll just let it burn.

***

Phases

Willow: So did you like the movie last night?

Oz: I don't know. T-today's movies are kind of like popcorn. You know, you forget about them as soon as they're done. I do remember I liked the popcorn, though.

Willow: Yeah, it was good. And I had a really fun time with the rest. I mean, the part with you.

Oz: Oh, that's great. Uh, my time was also of the good.

Willow: Mine, too. Well, then... Oh, there. I have my friend. So I will go to her.

Oz: I'll see you then. Uh, later.

***

Larry: Man! Oz, I would love to get me some of that Buffy and Willow action, if you know what I mean.

Oz: That's great, Larry. You've really mastered the single entendre.

Larry: So, Oz, man, what's up with that? Dating a junior? Uh, let me guess. That little innocent schoolgirl thing is just, uh, just an act, right?

Oz: Yeah. Yeah, she's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun.

Larry: I mean, she's gotta be putting out, or what's the point? What are you gonna do, talk? Come on, fess up. How far have you gotten?

***

Willow: Nowhere. I mean, he said he was gonna wait until I was ready, but I'm ready. Honest. I'm good to go here.

Buffy: Well, I think it's nice that he's not just being an animal.

Willow: It is nice. He's great. We have a lot of fun. But I want smoochies!

Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?

Willow: I've dropped anvils.

Buffy: Ah, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?

Willow: At last count, all of them. Maybe more.

Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing. They all get an 'F' in Willow.

Willow: But I want Oz to get an 'A', and, oh, one of those gold stars.

***

Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1- 800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.

Buffy: Meow!

Willow: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a 'meow' before.

Buffy: Well-deserved.

Willow: Darn tootin'. I'm just saying Xander and Cordelia? I mean, what does he see in her anyway?

***

Buffy: Looks like Giles has some schooling to do.

Giles: Yes, I must admit I, I am intrigued. Werewolves, it's... it's one of the classics. I, I'm sure my books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon.

Buffy: He needs to get a pet.

***

Willow: Don't forget, you're supposed to be a meek little girlie-girl like the rest of us.

Buffy: Spoil my fun.

***

Cain: You know, sis, if that thing out there harms anyone, it's going to be on your pretty little head. I hope you can live with that.

Buffy: I live with that every day.

Cain: First they tell me I can't hunt an elephant for its ivory... Now I've gotta deal with People for the Ethical Treatment of Werewolves.

***

Xander: But while we hang here doing nothing, there's a human werewolf walking around out there, probably making fun of us.

Willow: The way werewolves always do.

Oz: But there's really no way to tell who it is.

Xander: Oh, sure there is. Giles knows stuff, and I'm practically an expert on the subject.

Willow: On account of once you were a hyena?

Xander: I know what it's like to crave the taste of freshly killed meat, to be taken over by those uncontrollable urges.

Buffy: You said you didn't remember anything about that.

Xander: I said I didn't remember anything about that. Look, the point is, is I have an affinity with this thing. I can get inside of its head. I'm a big, bad wolf. I'm on the prowl. I'm sniffing, I'm snarling, I'm a slobbering predator, I'm... Wait a second! It's right in front of us. It's obvious who I am. I'm Larry! The guy's practically got wolf-boy stamped on his forehead. You got the dog bite, you got the aggression, not to mention the excessive back hair.

***

Larry: You know, Harris, that nosey little nose of yours is going to get you into trouble someday... Like today.

Xander: Hurting me isn't gonna make this go away. People are still gonna find out.

Larry: Alright. What do you want? Hush money? Is that what you're after?

Xander: I don't *want* anything! I just wanna help!

Larry: What, you think you have a cure?

Xander: No, it's just... I know what you're going through because I've been there. That's why I know you should talk about it.

Larry: Yeah, that's easy for *you* to say. I mean, you're nobody. I've got a reputation here.

Xander: Larry, please, before someone else gets hurt.

Larry: Look, if this gets out, it's over for me. I mean, forget about playing football. They'll run me outta this town. I mean, come on! How are people going to look at me after they find out I'm gay.

Larry: Oh, wow. I said it. And it felt... okay. I'm gay. I am gay.

Xander: I heard you the first time.

Larry: I can't believe it. It was almost easy. I never felt I could tell anyone. And then you, you of all people, you bring it outta me.

Xander: It probably would have slipped out even if I wasn't here.

Larry: No, no, because knowing you went through the same thing, made it easier for me to admit it.

Xander: The same thing...

Larry: It's ironic. I mean, all those times I beat the crap out of you, it musta been because I recognized something in you that I didn't want to believe about myself.

Xander: Larry, no, I am not...

Larry: Of course, of course not. Don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you. Your secret's safe with me.

***

Buffy: So what's the scuttlebutt? Anybody besides Larry fit our werewolf profile?

Willow: There is one name that keeps getting spit out. Aggressive behavior, run-ins with authorities, about a screenful of violent incidents.

Buffy: Okay, most of those were not my fault. Somebody else started 'em. I was just standing up for myself.

Willow: They say it's a good idea to count to ten when you're angry.

Buffy: One... Two... Three...

Willow: I'll keep looking.

Buffy: I, um... noticed you were looking solo.

Willow: Yeah. Oz wanted to be someplace that was away... from me.

Buffy: I'm sorry.

Willow: I can't figure him out. I mean, he's so hot and cold. Or luke-warm and cold.

Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.

Willow: It doesn't seem like a fair trade.

Buffy: Well, if you wanna up the speed quotient with Oz, maybe you need to do something daring. Maybe you need to make the first move.

Willow: Well, that won't make me a slut?

Buffy: I think your reputation will remain intact.

***

Buffy: Vampire.

Xander: So that's good, right? I mean in the sense of the werewolf didn't get her, and... No. There is no good here.

Buffy: No good. Instead of not protecting Theresa from the werewolf, I was able to not protect her from something just as bad. She had a lot of friends.

Xander: Buffy, you can't blame yourself for every death that happens in Sunnydale. If it weren't for you people'd be lined up five deep waitin' to get themselves buried. Willow would be Robbie the Robot's love slave, I wouldn't even have a head, and Theresa's a vampire.

***

Theresa: Angel sends his love.

***

Willow: I had this whole thing worked out. And I had it written down, uh, but then it didn't make any sense when I was reading it back.

Oz: Willow, this is not a very good time.

Willow: I mean, what am I supposed to think? First, you buy me popcorn and then you're all glad that I didn't get bit. And you put the tag back in my shirt. But I guess none of that means anything because instead of looking up names with me, here you are all alone in your house doing nothing by yourself.

Oz: Willow, we'll talk about this tomorrow. I promise.

Willow: No, damn it! We'll talk about this now! Buffy told me that sometimes what a girl makes has to be the first move and now that I'm saying this, I'm starting to think that the written version sounded pretty good, but you know what I mean.

Oz: I know, I know, it's me. I'm, I'm goin' through some... changes.

Willow: Well, welcome to the world! Things happen. Don't you think I'm going through a lot?

Oz: Not like me.

Willow: Oh, what, so now you're special? You're special boy... With chains and stuff. Why do you have chains and stuff?

***

Willow: It's Oz! It's Oz!

Buffy: Wh-what's Oz?

Willow: The werewolf.

Giles: Are you certain?

Willow: Can't you just trust me on this? He-he said he was going through all these changes. Then he went through all these... changes.

***

Larry: Hey! Xander. Look, about what you did. I, I owe you.

Buffy: What'd you do?

Xander: It's really nothing we should be talking about. Ever.

Larry: I know, I know. It's just, well, thanks.

Buffy: That was weird.

Xander: What, it's not okay for one guy to like another guy just because he happened to be in the locker room with him when absolutely nothing happened and I thought I told you not to push.

Buffy: All I meant is that he didn't try to look up my skirt.

Xander: Oh, oh, yeah, that's, that's the weirdness.

***

Xander: What relationship? I mean, what life could they possibly have together? We're talking obedience school, paper training, Oz is always in back burying their things, and that kind of breed can turn on its owner.

Buffy: I don't know. I kinda see Oz as the loyal type.

Xander: All I'm saying is she's not safe with him. If it were up to me...

Buffy: Xander... It's not up to you.

***

Oz: I spoke to Giles. He said I'll be okay. I just have to lock myself up around the full moon. Only he used more words than that. And a globe.

Willow: I'm sorry about how all this ended up. With me shooting you and all.

Oz: It's okay. I'm, I'm sorry I almost ate you.

Willow: It's okay. I kind of thought you would have told me.

Oz: I didn't know what to say. I mean, it's not everyday you find out you're a werewolf. That's fairly freaksome. It may take a couple days getting used to.

Willow: Yeah. It's a complication.

Oz: So... Maybe it'd be best if I just... sorta...

Willow: What?

Oz: Well, you know, like, stayed out of your way for awhile.

Willow: I don't know. I'm kind of okay with you being *in* my way.

Oz: You mean, you'd still...

Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either.

Oz: You are quite the human.

Willow: So, I'd still if you'd still.

Oz: I'd still. I'd *very* still.

Willow: Okay. No biting, though.

Oz: Agreed.

***

Oz: A werewolf in love.

***

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Xander: Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?

Buffy: I'm sorry. But never. I just think you could find somebody more... better.

Xander: Uh, parallel universe, maybe. Here the only other person I'm interested in is, um... unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just sat together, not even speakin'. You know, just, uh, enjoying comfortable silence. Man, that was dull.

Buffy: I'm glad that you guys are getting along. Almost really. And don't stress over the gift.

Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.

Buffy: She'll love it.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying: you know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.

Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.

Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

***

Xander: Ha, ha, ha. This time I'm ready for you. No 'F' for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus.

***

Giles: Buffy! Buffy... Might I have a word?

Buffy: Have a sentence, even.

Giles: Oh. Good. Well, uh...

***

Angelus: Done. I know Dru gives you pity access, but you have to admit it's so much easier when I do things for her.

Spike: You would do well to worry less about Dru and more about that Slayer you've been tramping around with.

Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.

Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.

Angelus: Lacks... poetry.

Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?

Drusilla: Don't worry, Spike. Angel always knows... what speaks to a girl's heart.

***

Xander: Hey.

Cordelia: Your clothes... You look so good.

Xander: Oh. I let Buffy dress me. Well, not physically.

Cordelia: Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn't you?

Xander: Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us off on the wrong foot here.

Cordelia: Xander...

Xander: Let me finish. I've been thinking a lot about us lately... the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice, a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. A-and maybe that's all we have here. Tawdry teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special inside me. And vice versa. I mean, I think I do. See something. So...

Cordelia: Xander... Thank you. It's beautiful. I wanna break up.

Xander: Okay, not quite the reaction I was looking for.

Cordelia: I know. I'm sorry. It's just... Who are we kidding? Even if parts of us do see specialness, we don't fit.

Xander: Yeah! Okay... Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?

***

Xander: What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want, for *once*, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me. You and me, Amy... we're gonna cast a little spell.

***

Xander: The point is I want her to want me. Desperately. So I can break up with *her* and subject her to the same hell she's been puttin' *me* through.

Amy: Oh, I don't know, Xander. Intent has to be pure with love spells.

Xander: Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow. Now, are you gonna play, or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework?

***

Giles: Look, here's another. Here. Um, 'Valentine's Day.' Yes, uh... 'Angel nails a puppy to the...'

Buffy: Skip it.

Giles: Uh, but it...

Buffy: I don't wanna know. I don't have a puppy. Skip it.

***

Buffy: You know what I'd like? Why don't you and I do something together tonight? Just the two of us.

Xander: Really?

Buffy: Yeah. We can comfort each other.

Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.

Buffy: Play your cards right...

Xander: Okay, uh... You do know that I'm Xander, right?

Buffy: I don't know, I just... heard that you and Cordy broke up, and I guess I was just surprised how glad I was. It's funny... how you can see someone every day but not really see them. You know?

Xander: Yeah, it's funny. And it's just gettin' funnier.

***

Willow: Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.

Xander: Good job! High marks.

Willow: Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before.

Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Willow: Xand, I've been thinking.

Xander: Will, I, I think I know what you've been thinking. But this is all my fault. I cast a spell, and it sort of backfired.

Willow: How long have we been friends?

Xander: A long, long time. Too long to do anything that might change that now.

Willow: Well, friendships change all the time. People grow apart. They grow closer.

Xander: Uh, this is good! How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, I can even back up a few paces and still be happy. See?

Willow: I want you, Xander... to be my first!

Xander: Baseman. Please tell me we're talking baseball.

Willow: Shhh.

Willow: We both know it's right.

Xander: It's not that I don't find you sexy.

Willow: Is it Oz? Don't worry about him. He's sweet, but... he's not you.

Xander: Yes, he is. And you should go to him. 'Cause he's me.

Xander: I-I don't wanna use force.

Willow: Mm. Force is okay!

Xander: Th-that's it! This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like a man. And hide.

***

Cordelia: Ha. Very funny. What did I do now, wear red and purple together?

Harmony: You know what you did. Xander is wounded because of you.

Cordelia: Are you tripping? I thought you wanted me to break up with him!

Harmony: Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, no matter what her friends said.

***

Giles: Xander. What is it?

Xander: It, it's me... throwing myself at your mercy.

Giles: What? Why?

Xander: I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I... made her put the love whammy on Cordy, but it backfired, and now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey, which may sound swell on paper, but...

***

Giles: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this!

Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

***

Giles: Do you have any idea how serious this is? People under a-a love spell, Xander, are-are deadly. They lose all capacity for reason.

Giles: And if what you say is true and the entire female population is affected, I... Don't leave the library. I'll find Amy and see if we can put a stop to this thing.

***

Buffy: Alone at last.

Xander: Buff, give me a heart attack!

Buffy: Oh, I'm gonna give you more than that.

Xander: Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.

Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?

Xander: It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you. You're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me... But you don't. So I can't.

Buffy: So you're saying this is all a game?

Xander: A game? I... No!

Buffy: You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?

Xander: Buffy, please calm down.

Buffy: I'll calm down when you explain yourself!

Amy: Get away from him. He's mine.

Buffy: Oh, I don't think so. Xander, tell her.

Xander: What? I, uh...

Amy: He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants.

Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants.

Buffy: What is this, you're two-timing me?

***

Harmony: It's just not right. You never loved him. You just used him. You make me sick.

Cordelia: Okay, Harmony, if you need to borrow my Midol, just ask.

***

Oz: That kinda hurt.

Xander: Kinda?! What was that for?

Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about *you*. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you.

Xander: I didn't touch her. I swear.

Giles: Xander! Where's Buffy?

Xander: Amy turned her into a rat.

Oz: Oh.

***

Willow: I should've known I'd find you with her.

Xander: Will... Come on, you don't wanna hurt me.

Willow: Oh, no? You don't know how hard this is for me. I love you so much! I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch.

***

Xander: Good. The mob still hasn't found us. We should be safer up here.

Angelus: Works in theory.

***

Angelus: Perfect. I wanted to do something special for Buffy, actually to Buffy, but this is *so* much better!

***

Drusilla: Don't fret, kitten. Mummy's here.

Angelus: I don't know what you're up to, Dru, but it *doesn't* amuse!

Drusilla: If you harm one hair on this boy's head...

Angelus: You've gotta be kidding. Him?

Drusilla: Just because I finally found a *real* man...

Angelus: I guess I really *did* drive you crazy.

Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.

Xander: Really? It doesn't say 'spare me' by any chance?

Drusilla: Shhh. How do you feel about eternal life?

Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?

***

Xander: None of this would've happened if you hadn't broken up with me. But no, you're so desperate to be popular!

Cordelia: Me? I'm not the one who embraced the black arts just to get the girls to like me. Well, congratulations, it worked!

Xander: Would've worked fine, except your hide's so thick, not even magic can penetrate it!

Cordelia: You mean the spell was for me?

***

Buffy: Hi, Oz!

Oz: Hi.

Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.

Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.

Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?

Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere.

Buffy: Really not an issue.

***

Xander: Well, I'm back to being incredibly unpopular.

Buffy: It's better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right?

Xander: Mostly, but, uh... Willow won't even talk to me.

Buffy: Any particular reason she should?

Xander: How much groveling are we talking here?

Buffy: Oh, a month, at least. Xander, come on, I mean... this is worse for her than anyone. She loved you before you invoked the great Roofie spirit. The rest of us...

Xander: You remember, huh?

Buffy: Oh, yeah. I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me... And then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn't.

Xander: Need cheese?

Buffy: Undress me. It meant a lot to me what you said.

Xander: C'mon, Buffy, I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute, it was touch and go there...

Buffy: You came through. There might just be hope for you yet.

Xander: Well, tell that to Cordelia.

Buffy: You're on your own there.

***

Xander: Sorry.

Harmony: God! Y'know, I'm glad your mom stopped working at the drive-through long enough to dress you. Oh, that reminds me. Did you see Jennifer's backpack? It is *so* a crying...

Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.

Harmony: I'm not a sheep.

Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm *way* cooler than you are 'cause I'm *not* a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is.

Cordelia: Oh, God! Oh, God!

Xander: You're gonna be okay. Just keep walkin'.

Cordelia: Oh, God, what have I done? They're never gonna speak to me again!

Xander: Oh, sure, they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them you and I can fight a lot.

Cordelia: You promise?

Xander: You can pretty much count on it.

***

Passion

Angelus: Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping... waiting... And though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws, and howl.

Angelus: It speaks to us... guides us... Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?

***

Buffy: Angel. He was in my room last night.

Giles: Are you sure?

Buffy: Positive. When I woke up, I found a picture he'd left me on my pillow.

Xander: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.

Cordelia: Wait, I thought vampires couldn't come in unless you invited them in.

Giles: Yes, but, uh, once you've invited them in, thereafter they're, they're always welcome.

Xander: Y'know, I think there may be a valuable lesson for you gals here about inviting strange men into your bedrooms.

Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants.

Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.

***

Giles: So Angel has decided to step up his harassment of you?

Cordelia: By sneaking in her room and leaving stuff at night? Why doesn't he just slit her throat or strangle her while she's sleeping or cut her heart out? What? I'm trying to help.

***

Jenny: Rupert... I was raised by the people that Angel hurt the most. My duty to them was the first thing I was ever taught. I didn't come here to hurt anyone, a-and I lied to you because I thought it was the right thing to do. I... I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know I was gonna fall in love with you.

Jenny: Oh, God. Is it too late to take that back?

Giles: Do you want to?

Jenny: I just wanna be right with you. I don't expect more. I just want so badly to make all this up to you.

Giles: I understand. But I'm not the one you need to make it up to.

***

Buffy: Do you remember that guy Angel?

Joyce: Angel, the, um... the college boy who was tutoring you in history?

Buffy: Right. Uh, he... I-I... Oh, God. Um... We're sort of dating, *were* dating, um, going through a serious off-again phase right now.

Joyce: Don't tell me. He's changed. He's not the same guy you fell for?

Buffy: In a nutshell. A-anyway, um... since he changed, he's been kinda following me around. He's having trouble letting go.

Joyce: Buffy, has he done anything...

Buffy: No! No, it's not like that. He's just been hanging around... a lot. Just sending me notes, that kind of thing. I just don't wanna see him right now. I mean, if he shows up, I'll talk to him. Just... don't invite him in.

***

Willow: Thanks for having me over, Buffy. Especially on a school night and all.

Buffy: No problem. Hey, sorry about your fish.

Willow: Oh, it's okay. We hadn't really had time to bond yet. Although for the first time I'm glad my parents didn't let me have a puppy.

Buffy: It's so weird... Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.

Willow: Well, sort of, except...

Buffy: Except what?

Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.

***

Spike: I won't have you feeding me like a child, Dru. (wheels around the table)

Angelus: Why not? She already bathes you, carries you around and changes you like a child.

Drusilla: Why, Angel. Where have you been? The sun is almost up, and it can be so hurtful. We were worried.

Spike: No, we weren't.

Drusilla: You must forgive Spike. He's just a bit testy tonight. Doesn't get out much anymore.

Angelus: Well, maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike. Might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space.

Spike: Have you forgotten that you're a bloody guest in my bloody home?

Angelus: And as a guest, if there's anything I can do for you... Any... responsibility I can assume while you're spinning your wheels... Anything I'm not already doing, that is.

Spike: That's enough!

***

Shopkeeper: By the way... Not that it's any of my business, really, but, uh, what are you planning on conjuring up? If you can decipher the text?

Jenny: A present for a friend of mine.

Shopkeeper: Really? What are you gonna give him?

Jenny: His soul.

***

Xander: Well, good morning, ladies. And what did you two do last night?

Willow: We had kind of a 'pajama party sleepover with weapons' thing.

Xander: Oh. And I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment.

***

Willow: I'm gonna have a hard time explaining this to my dad.

Buffy: You really think it'll bother him?

Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' every year.

Buffy: I see your point.

***

Angelus: Mrs. Summers, I need to talk to you.

Joyce: You're Angel.

Angelus: Did Buffy tell you about us?

Joyce: She told me she wants you to leave her alone.

Angelus: I-I can't. I can't do that.

Joyce: You're scaring her.

Angelus: You have to help me. Joyce... I need, I need to be with her. Y-you can convince her. You have to convince her.

Joyce: Look, I'm telling you to leave her alone.

Angelus: You have to talk to her for me, Joyce. Tell her I need her.

Joyce: Please, look, I-I just wanna get inside, okay?

Angelus: You don't understand, Joyce. I'll die without Buffy. She'll die without me.

Joyce: Are you threatening her?

Angelus: Please... Why is she doing this to me?

Joyce: I'm calling the police now.

Angelus: I haven't been able to sleep since the night we made love.

Angelus: I need her. I know you understand.

Joyce: Just leave us alone.

Willow: 'Hicce verbis consensus rescissus est.' Translation: By these strong unanimous words [Angelus' permission to enter] is rescinded.

Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks.

***

Jenny: Angel, I-I-I've got good news.

Angelus: I heard. You went shopping at the local boogedy-boogedy store. The Orb of Thesulah. If memory serves, this is supposed to summon a person's soul... from the ether... store it until it can be transferred.

Angelus: You know what I hate most about these things?

Angelus: They're so damn fragile. Must be that shoddy gypsy craftsmanship, huh?

***

Jenny: Wait. That's your...

Angelus: Oh, my cure? No, thanks. Been there, done that, and deja vu just isn't what it used to be. My... Isn't this my lucky day. The computer... and the pages. Looks like I get to kill two birds with one stone.

Angelus: And teacher makes three.

***

Angelus: Sorry, Jenny, this is where you get off.

Angelus: Ah... I never get tired of doing that.

***

Joyce: Was he the first? No, wait. I don't wanna know. I don't think I want to.

Buffy: Yeah. He was the first. I mean, the only.

Joyce: He's older than you.

Buffy: I know.

Joyce: Too old, Buffy. And he's obviously not very stable. I really wish... I just thought you would show more judgment.

Buffy: He wasn't like this before.

Joyce: Are you in love with him?

Buffy: I was.

Joyce: Were you careful?

Buffy: Mom, this is no time...

Joyce: Don't 'Mom' me, Buffy. You don't get to get out of this. You had sex with a boy you *didn't* even see fit to tell me you were dating.

Buffy: I made a mistake.

Joyce: Yeah, well, don't just say that to shut me up, because I think you really did.

Buffy: I know that! I-I can't tell you everything.

Joyce: How about anything? Buffy, you can shut me out of your life, I am pretty much used to that. But don't expect me to ever stop caring about you, because it's never gonna happen. I love you more than anything in the world. That would be your cue to, uh, roll your eyes and tell me I'm grossing you out.

Buffy: You're not.

Joyce: Oh, well... I guess that was the talk.

Buffy: So how'd it go?

Joyce: I don't know. It was my first.

***

Angelus: Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief.

***

Xander: I guess Giles had a big night planned tonight.

Buffy: Giles didn't set this up. Angel did. This is the wrapping for the gift.

Xander: Oh, man. Poor Giles.

Willow: Look, all his weapons are gone.

Cordelia: But I thought he kept his weapons at the library.

Xander: No, those are his, uh, everyday weapons. These were his good weapons. The ones he, uh, breaks out when company comes to visit.

***

Cordelia: So Giles is gonna try to kill Angel then?

Xander: Well, it's about time somebody did.

Willow: Xander!

Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!'

Buffy: You're right. Willow and Cordelia look up at Buffy.

Xander: Thank you.

Buffy: There's only one thing wrong with Giles' little revenge scenario.

Xander: And what's that?

Buffy: It's gonna get him killed.

***

Spike: Are you insane?! We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in the friends' beds.

Drusilla: But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.

Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!

Angelus: Don't worry, roller boy. I've got everything under control.

***

Giles: Why did you come here?! This wasn't your fight!

Buffy: Are you trying to get yourself killed?!

Buffy: You can't leave me. I can't do this alone.

***

Angelus: It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

***

Giles: In my years as... Watcher... I've buried... too many people. But Jenny was the first I've loved.

Buffy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't kill him for you... for her... when I had the chance.

Buffy: I wasn't ready. But I think I finally am.

Buffy: I can't hold on to the past anymore. Angel has gone. Nothing's ever gonna bring him back.

***

Killed by Death

Buffy: Non-vampire. Plus two.

Willow: Hi.

Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!

Buffy: What are you doing here?

Willow: What are *you* doing here?

Buffy: Well, I'm patrolling!

Willow: Buffy, you're sick.

Buffy: No, I feel fine. I mean, I'm... the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it, it's kinda like a ride.

Cordelia: Half the school's out with this flu. It's a serious deal, Buffy. We're all concerned about how gross you look.

***

Angelus: Not feeling well, lover?

***

Angelus: You know, you being off your game's kinda takin' the fun out of all this.

Angelus: Nope, still fun!

Angelus: Uh-oh. This does *not* look good for our heroine.

***

Xander: Take a walk, overbite.

***

Intern: What happened?

Xander: She fell.

Willow: The flu.

Cordelia: She fainted.

Xander: The flu, fainted and fell. She's sick, make it better!

***

Buffy: The vampires! I need to kill the vampires!

Dr. Wilkinson: This'll help you relax.

Buffy: Ow! No!

Xander: It's gotta be the fever.

Willow: Yeah, it made her delusional.

Buffy: They're out there!

Giles: Yes, uh, well, we'll, uh, we'll get those, uh, vampires later. I hear it's best t-to play along.

***

Xander: Do you think she's gonna be okay in here?

Cordelia: I don't know, Lysette got her nose done here, and she came in looking for the Gwyneth Paltrow, and it looked more like the Mr. Potatohead.

Xander: Cordy...

Willow: Buffy's not here for cosmetic surgery.

Cordelia: No, but while she's in here, she might as well get that thing done.

Cordelia: You know, that thing on her face? You know that thing.

Willow: Do you think Angel will attack Buffy in here?

Xander: He can come in, it's a public building.

Willow: That's true.

Cordelia: Am I the only one that's noticed that thing?

***

Ryan: He comes at night. The grownups don't see him. He was with Tina. He'll come back for us.

Buffy: Who?

Ryan: Death.

***

Xander: Visiting hours are over.

Angelus: Well, I'm pretty much family.

Xander: Yeah. Why don't you come back during the day? Oh, gee, no, I guess you can't.

Angelus: If I decide to walk into Buffy's room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?

Xander: Maybe not. Maybe that security guard couldn't either. Or those cops... or the orderlies... But I'm kinda curious to find out. You game?

Angelus: Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first.

Xander: You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there.

***

Xander: Flowers for milady.

Buffy: I think they call those balloons.

Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water, maybe they'll grow.

Willow: Not to be outdone...

Buffy: Homework!

Willow: It's my way of saying, 'get well soon'.

Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.

Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.

Buffy: Chocolate means *nothing* to me.

Cordelia: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out of the loop on gifts.

Giles: It's, it's tradition among, um... people.

***

Buffy: Maybe it wasn't death. Maybe it was something else.

Cordelia: So this isn't about you being afraid of hospitals 'cause your friend died and you wanna conjure up a monster that you can fight so you can save everybody and not feel so helpless?

Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?

Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

***

Cordelia: This is what happens when you're compassionate towards sick people. They take advantage of you.

Xander: Uh-huh. Buffy almost died just to put you out.

Cordelia: I didn't wanna be the first one to say it.

***

Xander: Could you make just a little more with the touchy-gropey?

Cordelia: Jealous?

Xander: Of Rogaine boy? I don't think so. Here, take this to Giles, okay?

Cordelia: What about you?

Xander: I'm gonna stay here.

Cordelia: Oh, right. Your obsession with protecting Buffy. Have I told you how attractive that's not?

Xander: Cordelia, someone's gotta watch her back.

Cordelia: Yeah, well, I've seen you watch her back.

Xander: What is that supposed to mean?

Cordelia: Well, I was using the phrase 'watch her back' as a euphemism for 'looking at her butt.' You know, sort of a pun.

Xander: Oh! Right. Hey!

Cordelia: Well, you do.

Xander: Jealous?

Cordelia: Fine. Watch *my* back.

***

Willow: Oh, yeah, I'm good at medical stuff since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.

Xander: No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, uh, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.

Willow: Wrong? Why? How did *you* play doctor?

Buffy: I never have.

***

Willow: Frogs! Frogs! Get 'em off of me!

Willow: Oh, my God, frogs! Get them off of me! Please, help!

Willow: Get 'em off! FROGS! Frogs! Oh, my God, horrible frogs!

Willow: Get 'em...

Dr. Wilkinson: Not her, the other one!

Willow: No more frogs!

***

Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing.

Buffy: I thought I might try violence.

Xander: Solid call.

***

Xander: He's dead right? I mean, I heard something snap.

Buffy: That would be his neck.

Xander: You're not gonna yak on me, are ya?

***

I Only Have Eyes for You

Willow: Hey! You're bailing?

Buffy: Yeah. I'm gonna stop by the library and see if Giles wants me to patrol, and then sack it.

Willow: You've been doing that a lot. Patrolling and sacking. In fact, you've kind of been All-Work-And-No-Play Buffy.

Buffy: I play. I have *big* fun. I came here tonight, didn't I?

Willow: You came, you saw, you rejected.

Buffy: You mean that guy? Just not in date mode right now.

Willow: Well, maybe you need to date to get in date mode.

Buffy: I don't think I'm ready for that, Will.

Willow: You're thinking too much. Maybe you need to be impulsive.

Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.

Willow: Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!

***

Xander: I'll have you know I was just accosted by some kind of, um, locker monster.

Giles: Loch Ness Monster?

Buffy: 'Locker' monster is what he said. But it wasn't really a monster. It was, like, this big arm that came out of the locker, but then we opened it again, it was gone. Nothing.

Xander: This was right after Buffy's history teacher starts doing some freaky channeling thing in class.

Giles: Ooh! Sounds like paranormal phenomena.

Willow: A ghost? Cool!

Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was 'I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.'

Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.

Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.

***

Spike: Well, our old place was just fine till you went and had it burned down.

Angelus: Things change, Spikey. You gotta roll with the punches. Well, actually, you pretty much got that part down, haven't you?

Spike: Very funny, mate.

Angelus: What can I say? I just love to see you smile, buddy.

Spike: Yeah, you're a giver.

***

Giles: It's Jenny.

Buffy: What?

Xander: You think she's the ghost?

Giles: Well, don't you see? Well, she-she-she died here under tragic circumstances, a-a-and now she's trapped.

Willow: But what about the gun? I mean, Angel didn't shoot Ms. Calendar.

Giles: The gun is insignificant. It's the violence of the thing that matters.

Buffy: I don't know. These fights these couples keep having, it's sort of... specific.

Willow: She's right. It's a pattern that doesn't fit with the way Ms. Calendar died.

Giles: Yes, well, I, uh, I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, I, in fact I... well, I *encourage* you to, to always, uh, challenge me, uh, when you feel it's appropriate. You should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance, when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.

Willow: This is freaky. I don't ever remember ever seeing Giles be this weird.

Xander: I know. He's usually Investigate-Things-From-Every-Boring-Angle Guy. Now he's I-Cling-Onto-My-One-Lame-Idea Guy. What gives?

Buffy: He misses her. He can't think. Just a little more fallout from my love life.

***

Xander: He killed a person and killed himself. Those are pretty much two of the dumbest things you could do.

Willow: I know, but... Well, don't you feel kind of bad for them?

Buffy: Sure I feel lousy. For her. He's a murderer and he should pay for it.

Willow: With his life?

Buffy: No, he should be doing sixty years in a prison, breaking rocks and making special friends with Roscoe the Weightlifter.

Xander: Yikes. The quality of mercy is not Buffy.

***

Giles: Are you all right?

Willow: Giles, Jenny could never be this mean.

Giles: I know. It's, it's not her, is it?

Willow: I'm sorry.

***

Giles: He's, he's trying to... resolve whatever issues are keeping him in limbo. W-w-what exactly those are, I'm not...

Buffy: He wants forgiveness.

Giles: Yes. I imagine he does. But when James possesses people, they act out exactly what happened that night. So he's experiencing a form of purgatory instead. I mean, he's, he's doomed to, to kill his Ms. Newman over and over and over again, and... forgiveness is impossible.

Buffy: Good. He doesn't deserve it.

Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's, it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.

Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.

Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.

Cordelia: Okay. Overidentify much?

***

Angelus: Fun fact about wasps. They have no taste for the undead. Not that a sting would do me any damage, it's just... tonight's special. I wanted to look my best for you.

Buffy: You're the only one. The only person I can talk to.

Angelus: Gosh, Buff. That's really pathetic.

Buffy: You can't make me disappear just because you say it's over.

Angelus: Actually... I can. In fact... I just want you to be able to have some kind of normal life. We can never have that, don't you see?

Buffy: I don't give a *damn* about a normal life! I'm going crazy not seeing you. I think about you every minute.

Ms. Newman: I know. But it's over. It has to be!

Buffy: Come back here! We're not finished! You don't care anymore, is that it?

Angelus: It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what I feel.

Buffy: Then tell me you don't love me!

James: Say it!

Ms. Newman: Is that what you need to hear? Will that help? I don't.

Angelus: I don't. Now let me go.

Buffy: No. A person doesn't just wake up and stop loving somebody!

Buffy: Love is forever. I'm not afraid to use it, I swear! If I can't be with you...

Angelus: Oh, my God!

James: DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME...

Buffy: ...BITCH!

Buffy: Stop it! Stop it! Don't make me!

Angelus: All right. Just...

Ms. Newman: You know you don't want to do this. Let's both... just calm down. Now give me the gun.

James: Don't. Don't do that, damn it!

Buffy: Don't talk to me like I'm some stupid...

Angelus: James.

***

Buffy: Grace!

Angelus: Don't do this.

Buffy: But-but I killed you.

Angelus: It was an accident. It wasn't your fault.

Buffy: Oh, it *is* my fault. How could I...

Angelus: Shhh. I'm the one who should be sorry, James. You thought I stopped loving you. But I never did. I loved you with my last breath.

Angelus: Shhh... No more tears.

Buffy: Angel.

***

Buffy: James picked me. I guess... I guess I was the one he could relate to. He was so sad.

Giles: Well... they can both rest now.

Buffy: I still... A part of me just doesn't understand why she would forgive him.

Giles: Does it matter?

Buffy: No. I guess not

***

Spike: You might want to let up. They say when you've drawn blood, you've exfoliated.

Angelus: What do you know about it? I'm the one who was friggin' violated. You didn't have this thing in you.

Drusilla: What was it? A demon?

Angelus: Love!

Drusilla: Poor Angel.

Angelus: Let's get outta here. I need a real vile kill before sunup to wipe this crap out of my system.

Drusilla: Of course. We'll find you a nice toddler.

Drusilla: (to Spike) Want to come, pet?

Angelus: No can do, Dru. I'm sure he'd be hell on wheels, but we don't have much time. Gotta travel light. Sorry. Try to have fun without me.

Spike: Oh, I will. Sooner than you think.

***

Go Fish

Xander: All I'm saying is, it's a stupid idea to have a victory party at the beach. It's officially nippy. So say my nips.

Willow: I think it's festive. A party with nature.

***

Cordelia: Well, all I know is, my cheerleading squad wasted a lot of pep on losers. It's about time our school excelled at something.

Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.

***

Xander: Just like that? He actually told you to alter his grade?

Willow: Exactly. Except for actually telling me to. But he made it perfectly clear of what he wasn't telling me.

Xander: That is wrong, a big, fat, spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to *earn* our D's.

***

Buffy: So, anything new with you guys?

Giles: Thank you for taking an interest. Apparently, some remains were found on the beach this morning. Some human remains.

Willow: Dodd McAlvy's remains.

Buffy: Vampire?

Giles: No. No, he was eviscerated. Nothing left but skin and cartilage.

Xander: In other words, this was no boating accident.

Buffy: So something ripped him open and ate out his insides?

Willow: Like an Oreo Cookie. Well, except for, you know, without the chocolatey *cookie* goodness.

***

Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole... except for the skin.

Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.

Xander: Yeah. The skin's the best part.

Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?

***

Willow: You hated being pushed around by Dodd and the others.

Jonathon: So?

Willow: So, you wanted revenge. Didn't you? Didn't you?!

Jonathon: Yeah! Okay? I did!

Willow: So... You delved into the black arts and conjured up a hellbeast from the ocean's depths to wreak your vengeance.

Jonathon: Huh?

Willow: Didn't you?

Jonathon: What? No! I snuck in yesterday and... peed in the pool.

Willow: Oh. Eww!

***

Gage: What a psycho bitch, man.

Angelus: Gotta be talking about Buffy.

Gage: How'd you know?

Angelus: Uh, she and I... had this thing once. Biggest mistake of my life.

Gage: Yeah. My condolences, dude.

Angelus: She's a real head-tripper.

Gage: Tell me about it. Girl acts like she's God's gift or something.

Angelus: Who is she? The Chosen One?

Gage: Exactly.

Angelus: You know, what she really needs is for someone to really knock her down off her notches.

Gage: Yeah, that'd be sweet. Anyone in mind?

Angelus: You're in luck, my friend. Just so happens... I'm recruiting.

***

Cordelia: So he spit it out? I thought Angel liked blood.

Buffy: He used to.

Willow: Maybe his eyes were too big for his stomach.

Buffy: Or maybe there was something in Gage's blood that Angel didn't like. Say, for example, steroids.

***

Cordelia: What the hell are you doing here?

Xander: Shh! I'm undercover.

Buffy: Not under much.

Cordelia: Get out of here before someone sees you impersonating a member of the swim team!

Xander: I don't do impersonations. I tried out for the team last night. I made it.

Cordelia: Really?

Xander: Yeah. I figured I can keep an eye on Gage and the others when Buffy can't.

Willow: When you're nude? I-I meant to say 'changing'.

Coach Marin: Harris! You can flirt on your own time!

Xander: Okey-dokey, coachie.

Cordelia: I'm dating a swimmer from the Sunnydale swim team!

Buffy: You can die happy.

***

Giles: They're absorbing the steroid mixture through the steam.

Xander: Not they. We. Me! We have to find an antidote, don't you think? The clock is ticking, people!

Buffy: I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. I mean, it's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice?

Xander: Three times a Fish Guy.

***

Buffy: So, what, you're just gonna feed me to 'em?

Coach Marin: Oh, they've already had their dinner. But boys have other needs.

***

Cordelia: It's me, Cordelia? I know you can't answer me, but... God, this is all my fault. You joined the swim team to impress me. You were so courageous. And you looked really hot in those Speedo's. And I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And... and we can still date. Or, or not. I mean... I understand if you wanna see other fish. I'll do everything I can to make your quality of life better. Whether that means little bath toys or whatever.

Xander: Uh, Cordy?

Xander: That's not me.

***

Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs: that I did it with the entire swim team.

***

Becoming, Part 1

Whistler: There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes... they're not. I'll show you what I mean.

***

Darla: Are you certain you're up to the challenge?

Angel: Milady, you'll find that with the exception of an honest day's work, there's no challenge I'm not prepared to face.

***

Willow: Do you think you're ready to fight Angel?

Buffy: I wish people would stop asking me that. Yes, I'm ready. I'm also willing and able. Just the one test I might actually pass.

Willow: Don't say that! You're gonna pass everything. I will get you through this semester if I have to sweat blood.

Xander: Do you think you're likely to? 'Cause I'd like to be elsewhere.

Willow: It was only metaphor blood.

Oz: I think you'd sweat cute blood.

***

Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.

Buffy: Yeah! Where they teach lunch.

***

Willow: Okay. I see your problem.

Buffy: I'm a moron?

Willow: Will you stop that? You're not stupid! You've just had a lot on your mind. You can learn this real easily, but if you're just gonna give up, then don't waste my time.

Buffy: Wow. You really *are* a good teacher.

***

Willow: It's not mine. It might be something of Ms. Calendar's.

Buffy: This feels kinda morbid.

Willow: I've gone through most of her files already.

Buffy: Does that make it *less* morbid or you *really* morbid?

***

Gypsy Man: It hurts, yes? Good. It will hurt more.

Angel: Where am I?

Gypsy Man: You don't remember... everything you've done for a hundred years. In a moment, you will. The face of everyone you killed... our daughter's face... they will haunt you, and you will know what true suffering is.

***

Willow: Looks like Ms. Calendar was trying to replicate the original curse. To restore Angel's soul again.

Giles: She said it couldn't be done.

Buffy: Well, she tried anyway. And it looks like it might have worked.

Xander: So he killed her... before she could tell anyone about it. What a prince, huh?

***

Buffy: I don't want you putting yourself in any danger, Will.

Willow: And I don't want danger. Big 'no' to danger, but I may be the best person to do this.

Xander: Hi! For those of you who have just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person. So this spell might restore Angel's humanity? Well, here's an interesting angle. Who cares?

Buffy: I care.

Xander: Is that right.

Giles: Let's not lose our perspective here, Xander.

Xander: I'm Perspective Guy. Angel's a killer.

Willow: Xander...

Buffy: It's not that simple.

Xander: What? All is forgiven? I can't believe you people!

Cordelia: Xander has a point.

Xander: You know, just for once, I wish you'd support me, and I realize right now that you were, and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna get back to the point, which is that Angel needs to die.

Giles: Curing Angel seems to have been Jenny's last wish.

Xander: Yeah? Well, Jenny's dead.

Giles: Don't you *ever* speak of her in that tone again!

Xander: Can't you hear what I'm saying?

Buffy: Stop it! Stop it!

Willow: What do you wanna do?

Buffy: I-I don't know. What happened to Angel wasn't his fault.

Xander: Yeah, but what happened to Ms. Calendar is. You can paint this any way you want. But the way I see it is that you wanna forget all about Ms. Calendar's murder so you can get your boyfriend back.

***

Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.

Angelus: Spike, boy, you never did learn your history.

Spike: Let's have a lesson, then.

Angelus: Acathla the demon came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're putting up low-rent housing. Boys...

Drusilla: He fills my head. I can't hear anything else.

Spike: Let me guess. Someone pulls out the sword...

Angelus: Someone worthy...

Spike: Mm. The demon wakes up, and wackiness ensues.

Drusilla: He will swallow the world.

Angelus: And every creature living on this planet will go to Hell. My friends... we're about to make history... end.

***

Kendra: I tend to side with your friend Xander on this one. Angel should be eliminated.

Buffy: Oh, I'll fight him. I'll kill him if I have to. But if I don't get there in time, or if I lose, then Willow might be our only hope.

Willow: I don't *wanna* be our only hope! Uh, I crumble under pressure! Let's have another hope.

***

Watcher: There isn't much time. You must come with me. Your destiny awaits.

Buffy: I don't have a destiny. I'm destiny-free, really.

Watcher: Yes, you have. You are the Chosen One. You alone can stop them.

Buffy: Who?

Watcher: The vampires.

Buffy: Huh?

***

Angelus: Hello, lover. I wasn't sure you'd come.

Buffy: After your immolation-o-gram? Come on, I had to show. Shouldn't you be out destroying the world right now, pulling the sword out of Al Franken or whatever his name is?

Angelus: There's time enough. I wanted to say goodbye first. You are the one thing in this dimension I will miss.

Buffy: This is a beautiful moment we're having. Can we please fight?

Angelus: I didn't come here to fight.

Buffy: No?

Angelus: Gosh, I was hoping we could get back together. What do you think? Do we have a shot? Alright. We'll fight.

***

Angelus: Jeez, is it me, or is your heart not in this? Maybe I'll just go home, destroy the world.

Buffy: Well, I think Mr. Pointy'll have something to say about that. Come on. Let's finish this. You and me.

Angelus: Y-you never learn, do you? This wasn't about you. This was never about you. And you fall for it every single time!

***

Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. You'll see what I mean.

***

Becoming, Part 2

Giles: What do you want?

Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a *long* time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even *have* chainsaws. Oh, yeah. Acathla. He's an even harder guy to wake up than you are. I mean, I performed the rituals, said all the right phrases... blood on my hand. Got nothing. Big doughnut hole for my troubles. I figure you know the ritual. You're pretty up on these things. You could probably... tell me what I'm doing wrong. But honestly, I sorta hope you don't... 'Cause I *really* wanna torture you.

***

Buffy: I have had a *really* bad day, okay? If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're gonna crack jokes, then I'm gonna pull out your ribcage and wear it as a hat.

Whistler: Hello to the imagery! Very nice. It wasn't supposed to go down like this. Nobody saw you coming. I figured this for Angel's big day. But I thought he was here to *stop* Acathla, not to bring him forth. Then you two made with the smoochies... now he's a creep again. Now, what are you gonna do? W-what are you prepared to do?

Buffy: Whatever I have to.

Whistler: Maybe I should ask, what are you prepared to give up?

Buffy: You don't have anything useful to tell me, do you? What are you, just some immortal demon sent down to even the score between good and evil?

Whistler: Wow. Good guess.

Buffy: Well, why don't you try getting off your immortal ass and fighting evil once in a while? 'Cause I'm sick and tired of doing it myself.

Whistler: In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you've got. That's the point.

***

Spike: Hello, cutie.

Spike: Hey! White flag here. I quit.

Buffy: Let me clear this up for you. We're mortal enemies. We don't get time-outs.

Spike: You want to go around, pet, I'll have a gay old time of it. You want to stop Angel... we're gonna have to play this a bit differently.

Buffy: What are you talking about?

Spike: I'm talking about your ex, pet. I'm talking about putting him in the bloody ground.

Buffy: This has gotta be the *lamest* trick you guys have ever thought up.

Spike: He's got your Watcher. Right now, he's probably torturing him.

Buffy: What do you want?

Spike: I told you. I want to stop Angel. I want to save the world.

Buffy: Okay. You do remember that you're a vampire, right?

Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Picadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

Buffy: Okay, fine. You're not down with Angel. Why would you ever come to me?

Spike: I want Dru back. I want it like it was before he came back. The way she acts around him...

Buffy: You're pathetic. I lost a friend tonight!

Spike: I wasn't in on that raiding party.

Buffy: And I may lose more! The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to *not* care.

Spike: I can't fight them both alone, and neither can you!

Buffy: I hate you.

Spike: And I'm all you've got.

***

Xander: Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know? And who am I gonna call every night... and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always... I love you.

Xander: Willow?

Willow: Oz? Oz?

Oz: I'm here.

***

Oz: Hey, baby.

Willow: Hi.

Xander: I'm gonna go get a doctor.

Oz: How you feelin'?

Willow: My head... feels big. Is it big?

Oz: No. It's head size.

***

Joyce: Buffy, terrible things have happened. What were you doing?

Spike: What, your mum doesn't know?

Joyce: Know what?

Buffy: That I'm, uh... in a band. A-a rock band with Spike here.

Spike: Right. She plays the, the triangle.

Buffy: Drums.

Spike: Drums, yeah. She's, uh, hell on the old skins, you know.

Joyce: Hmm. And, uh, what do you do?

Spike: Well, I sing.

***

Joyce: Buffy... what... is going on?

Buffy: Mom... I'm a Vampire Slayer.

***

Joyce: Have we met?

Spike: Um... you hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'get the hell away from my daughter.'

Joyce: Oh.

***

Joyce: I-is Willow all right?

Buffy: Yeah. She's fine. All right, talk. What's the deal?

Spike: Simple. You let me and Dru skip town, I help you kill Angel.

Joyce: Angel? Your boyfriend?

Buffy: Forget about Drusilla. She doesn't walk.

Spike: There's no deal without Dru.

Buffy: She killed Kendra.

Spike: Dru bagged a Slayer? She didn't tell me! Hey, good for her! Though not from your perspective, I suppose.

Buffy: I can't believe I invited you into my house.

***

Buffy: I'm sorry, Mom, but I don't have time for this.

Joyce: No! I am tired of 'I don't have time' or-or 'you wouldn't understand.' I am your mother, and you will *make* time to explain yourself.

Buffy: I told you. I'm a Vampire Slayer.

Joyce: Well, I just don't accept that!

Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?

Joyce: Well, it stops now!

Buffy: No, it doesn't stop! It *never* stops! Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would *love* to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world... again.

Joyce: No. This is insane. Buffy, you need help.

Buffy: I'm *not* crazy! What I need is for you to chill. I *have* to go!

Joyce: No. I am not letting you out of this house.

Buffy: You can't stop me.

Joyce: Oh yes I... You walk out of this house, don't even *think* about coming back!

***

Angelus: Just tell me what I need to know.

Giles: In order... to be worthy...

Angelus: Yeah?

Giles: You must perform the ritual... in a tutu. Pillock!

Angelus: All right. Someone get the chainsaw.

Spike: Now, now, don't let's lose our temper.

Angelus: Keep out of it, sit 'n' spin.

Spike: Look, you cut him up, you'll never get your answers.

Angelus: Since when did *you* become so levelheaded?

Spike: Right about the time you became so pig-headed. You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet. There are other ways.

***

Snyder: You do know this is a crime scene, don't you? But then... you're a criminal, so that pretty much works out.

Buffy: You know I didn't do it. The police will figure it out.

Snyder: In case you haven't noticed, the police of Sunnydale are *deeply* stupid. It doesn't matter anyway. Whatever they find, you've proved too much of a liability for this school. These are the moments you want to savor. You wish time would stop so that you could live them over and over again. You're expelled.

***

Buffy: Tell me how to use it.

Whistler: Angel's the key. His blood will open the door to Hell. Acathla opens his big mouth, creates a vortex. Then only Angel's blood will close it. One blow will send 'em both back to Hell. But I strongly suggest that you get there before that happens, 'cause the faster you kill Angel, the easier it's gonna be on you.

Buffy: Don't worry about me.

Whistler: It's all on the line here, kid.

Buffy: I can deal. I got nothing left to lose.

Whistler: Wrong, kid. You got one more thing.

***

Buffy: Hello, lover.

Angelus: I don't have time for you.

Buffy: You don't have a lot of time *left*.

Angelus: Coming on kind of strong, don't you think? You're playing some deep odds here. Do you really think you can take us all on?

Buffy: No. I don't.

***

Spike: Painful, isn't it?

***

Spike: I don't want to hurt you, baby. Doesn't mean I won't.

***

Xander: Can you walk?

Giles: You're not real.

Xander: Sure, I'm real.

Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.

Xander: Then why would they make you see me?

Giles: You're right. Let's go.

***

Angelus: You almost made it, Buff.

Buffy: It's not over yet.

Angelus: My boy Acathla here is about to wake up. You're going to Hell.

Buffy: Save me a seat.

***

Spike: God, he's gonna kill her.

***

Angelus: Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends... No hope.

Angelus: Take all that away... and what's left?

Buffy: Me.

***

Angel: Where are we? I-I don't remember.

Buffy: Angel?

Angel: You're hurt.

Angel: Oh, Buffy... God. I... I feel like I haven't seen you in months. Oh, my God, everything's so muddled. I... Oh, Buffy... What's happening?

Buffy: Shh. Don't worry about it. I love you.

Angel: I love you.

Buffy: Close your eyes.

***

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