I guess I’ll start out with you Adam. I’m not a little girl. All of you treat me like one. Yeah, I died once but we’re all allowed a miracle. I’m tired of having to be everyone’s pillar of strength and the innocent little girl who has to stay home and take care of the house. You tell me it’s because you feel responsible for us but you don’t treat the others like that. I refuse to read you because I have respect for you and the rest of the team and all I ask if that you have the same respect for me. I’m not defenseless and I want to be treated like I am worth more to the team than a way to get a heads up. Shalimar told me I was harsh to Jesse. I know he was hurting. I felt every bit of it. Do you know what its like to feel everything someone else is feeling? Do you know what its like to feel a person you love come crashing down inside? Do you know what it sounds like to hear a heart crying? You couldn’t imagine Adam. None of you could but I live it everyday. I feel it every time we go on a mission and you haven’t seen me snap, not once. The one time I do, I’m being a bitch. But none of you can feel what I’m feeling. You couldn’t take it but Adam I do it everyday. I feel more pain in one day than most people feel in their life times. I’m stronger than any of you can imagine but you act like I’m the most fragile. What, does it take a couple of people I know to die or betray me to treat me like I’m old enough to know what I’m doing? What makes me so damn different that I have to be the little girl? What makes me so different that you think the minute I’m not in your sight, I’m going to crumble? What the hell is so different between me and the rest of the team? No, we’re not a team, it’s Jesse, Brennan, Shalimar and Emma if we’re in a lot of trouble, otherwise lets just use her as a look out or someone to mess with people’s minds. Lets just use me, what more use could I be? I know you feel something more for me than a friendship and it’s not a paternal thing but that’s all I can feel. Maybe I intrigue you or maybe you can look past my powers and see that I am in here. Underneath everyone else, Emma Delauro is in here, screaming for a moment to herself. This is the first time in years I’ve had my head to myself and it’s so quiet. It’s haunting, almost. As much as I’ve wished for quiet, I don’t know what to do with myself. Adam, why can’t I be like every other mutant? What makes me so fragile that everyone has to look after me, take me under their wing like a fallen bird? I have no wings because I can still hear the voices in my head. Wings would have taken me away from that. I don’t know. I guess I was just hoping, wishing, praying, that you felt something for me. To let me know that you know that I’m in here. Let me know that I haven’t finally lost myself underneath the hundreds of voices I hear and channel everyday. I was hoping that maybe you could love me. The way that Brennan loves Shalimar, and vice versa. I know you see it too. The looks, the gentle touches, the worry and pain etched in their eyes when the other is missing. When those guys took Shal, Adam if only you could have felt the pain, he played so cool, Jesse freaked, still high on grief inspired by Amanda’s death but Brennan, his heart was screaming but he was calm. I wonder if that’s how you feel when I go missing, when I get hurt, when I die. I wonder if I was an angel, and I stood by your side, would I see the same pain, the damp tear trails, would I hear my name on your lips when you sleep and dream of me. I wonder if you even think of me. I wonder if you even know I’m here. I know you feel something but I don’t dare try and explain. Expectations and disappointments go hand and hand. But Adam, what if I need someone too? What if I need you to hold me when I need to cry and the world is too much for me? Adam, what if I can’t be strong anymore?
Shalimar, I know you look after those you love but what happened to me? Jesse first and foremost, even against Brennan but where do you place me? Here I am again, sounding like a hurt child but where do I fit in? You have Adam, Jesse and Brennan. They are all willing to fight and die for you, no questions asked but me, where do I fit in? I know Jesse was hurting but what was I supposed to do? Let him bring me down so that now, neither of us could concentrate? You didn’t see my point. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t make it better. I could see the anger in your eyes. But I couldn’t help him. He needs to do it on his own, with the help of people he loves and those who love him but will I be allowed to help, without using my powers? Is that all I’m good for? Making the pain go away? I’m not a pill and I’m not a cure, I’m a person, lost in a see of confusion. Where do I stand with you?
Brennan, you were there from the beginning, and I thank you for it. You detoured to a place called love but I cant blame you and you never placed me less than anyone else. But you still treat me like I’m your responsibility. Like a little sister that you have to protect but not necessarily talk to. I barely see you anymore. You’ve been in your room so often that I sometimes forget you live here. The only constant reminders are the random fragments of complex poetry that float through my mind. I know you love Shalimar and I don’t resent you for it. You can’t help who you love, you’re not supposed to. Jesse was a little pissed but that passed. I just don’t understand what you view me as. I’m neither a sister nor a love interest, neither a friend nor an enemy. To you, I am just Emma, but who is Emma to you? Is Emma less than Shalimar, or neither to be compared? Is Emma more than Shalimar or still neither to be compared? Or am I just plain Emma, telempath extraordinaire? Mind reader and overall instrument? Where do I fit into your life?
And Jesse… my dear Jesse…I cannot begin to express what I feel towards and for you. I know that to you, I am neither here nor there, neither enemy nor nuisance but nothing exceptional to note. I know you hold nothing against me. You’re not one to carry grudges against friends but Jesse, you have to know that you’re pain is killing me. I don’t mean to be cruel or brash, I want nothing more than to kiss away every tear and heal all your pain but you know that won’t do you much good. You know that to do that I will only cover up something that cannot stay buried. I know you want to scream, throw up, run until your legs collapse, and then crawl until your lungs do too. I know you don’t want to live, not now and I know that knowing Shalimar is only partially yours is killing you even more. She was always yours, the shoulder you leaned on when the tears threatened to fall but now, when you need her the most, you can’t be sure that she’ll be there. I know what that’s like but I’m not sure I am the one you should run to. I am no one more than anyone less to you and I know that I couldn’t make you feel the way she could, the way Adam could, even the way Brennan could. I can’t help but be a bitch because I fit nowhere in this place yet no one wants me to leave. As I finish writing this I begin to wonder if Mutant X is really what I want. Is it really what I can do? Am I really wanted here? I don’t know Jesse. You have Shalimar and Brennan, the sister and brother that you desperately wanted, and Adam, the father always there to catch you when you fall, but how can I be the mother that cannot cure her child of what ails him? Who am I to you Jesse? Do you see me as they do? Or am I Jesse’s Emma, yet another variation of a girl already stretched too thin? I don’t know anymore and frankly, I don’t think I have the strength to find out. Maybe I’m not worth the trouble and it’s not worth the stress. Maybe… maybe I’m leaving. Maybe isn’t a yes and maybe isn’t a no but maybe is a possibility.
~I need you to show me, the way from crazy
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