Title: Taking Me Over
Rating: A MSR, Angst UST
Spoilers: small reference to Millennium
Archive: Yes, anywhere is fine by me just let me know thanks.
Summary: Scully fears that her actions may have tainted a future with Mulder.
Feedback: Pretty please with sugar on top... I'd love to hear from you- anyone- is there anyone out there? Email will be lovingly received at xenoprobe@hotmail.com or drop by my website at www.angelfire.com/scifi/xenoprobe

Disclaimer: Ah... the mighty Chris Carter, the folks at 1013, and the Fox Network are the proud keepers of these characters, sadly not I- I just play with them for personal entertainment purposes.

For the very first time I had someone beta for me... The wonderful Belle from far away lands I hope to see someday was instrumental in my posting of this story. She has encouraged me to follow this up with a sequel- I'm working on it already- Thanks Belle!

**
Taking Me Over
By xenoprobe

"You look so fine, I want to break your heart
And give you mine, you're taking me over
It's so insane, you've got me tethered and chained-
I hear your name and I'm falling over.

I'm not like all the other girls, I can't take it like the other girls
I won't share it like the other girls-that you used to know."

You look so fine-Garbage

**

There was no way to survive this.

I was speeding, I knew it, but it felt good to just drive. I slipped in my CD and hit play, cranked up the volume and prayed it would drown out the hammering in my head. I can't believe what an utter fool I was showing up at Mulder's like that. After seven years of hiding my feelings, I should have just let myself bury them at long last but, no, I had to find out- had to show him that I was beyond hiding anymore.

I wasn't sure how long I was driving around but it was raining when I left his apartment, and it was raining harder now. It figures that the elements would mock me on a night like tonight. A few hours ago, life was normal. I did things like relax and read a book after work, soaking in bubbles in my tub. But a few hours ago I was living a lie- a complete lie. I was sitting under an afghan on the couch and reached to put down my cup of coffee when I noticed that the cover smelled of Mulder. I sat there inhaling the trace of him, feeling like his ghost was looming around, caressing my senses. I allowed myself the simple pleasure of dreaming when I dozed off and dreamt of him. We were in his apartment, tangled in an exquisite kiss- tormenting each other.

When I awoke I was so sad. I actually wept- I'm such a fool. This was not the first dream. There have been many, more than I can count over the years. But this time there was such simplicity in our kiss, that I was hungry for it. You see, when I used to dream of Mulder's kiss, I was blissfully unaware of the real sensation. But since the passing of this New Year, I know it all too well. He kissed me, when the clock struck twelve, when the ball dropped in New York; he leaned over and kissed me. It was a wonderful sensation and I couldn't mask my smile when we broke away. But it was fleeting. The sadness crept over me quickly, reminding me that this was one, never-to-be-repeated moment between partners. Just partners.

Since that night I've been aching. Knowing just how sweet and completing the kiss felt was too real for my heart. My fight to disguise my feelings from Mulder, and myself for that matter, was lost at that moment when our lips touched- the lie became too much.

**

So I sped along, missing the exit to my place. I drove aimlessly listening to lyrics that hit a little too close to home. "I'm open wide, I want to take you home/we're wasting time, you're the only one for me."

Why. Why was I so dumb as to have collected myself from my couch, grab my car keys and drive to Alexandria to embarrass myself in the middle of the night and put an end to a perfectly wonderful working relationship? I know the reason; I could not go on living the lie.

I pulled up in front of my apartment building, finally, and turned off the ignition. My legs refused to function so I sat there, watching the rain wash over my windshield, distorting my view like a circus mirror. I sat there in the cold and cried.

What had he said when I pulled away from kissing him, kissing those full delicious lips? ("I can't-") He said 'I can't' and my heart plummeted into my chest, knocking the breath out of me. I didn't even wait to see if he'd say anything else, I just turned and walked away. His expression was grave, he stood with his arms held out- palms open to me and I walked out in tears.

I'd heard him call after me- heard the desperation in his voice but I was on autopilot headed for my car.

**
**

"I can't-" I listened to those words slip from mouth and saw my future crumble. I was so glad, and surprised to see Scully through the peephole of my door. It's a rare pleasure when she drops by unannounced. I could see, however, that something was wrong as soon as she crossed the threshold. I asked her to sit, she said she couldn't, I asked her to tell me what was wrong and she said nothing. I took her hand and placed her palm over my heart and begged for her to tell me what was going on and she started to sob.

She closed the gap between us in two tiny Scully-steps and laid her cheek to my chest. After standing there, holding her, feeling the rise and fall in her hiccuped attempts to stop crying, I began to really panic. I couldn't conceive of what could possibly break Scully's iron resolve like this. Taking an opportunity I rarely get, I pressed my lips to her forehead in hopes to help her through whatever this was but she pulled back and looked up at me. Her face was so open; her eyes were rimmed with tears but were a perfect deep blue. She slipped her small hand from underneath mine, reached up and caressed my cheek. I closed my eyes, enjoying this intimacy, enjoying how nice it was to know that Scully could come to me for solace. I thought I was dreaming when I heard her speak."I love you Mulder."

Her voice was barely above a whisper yet hoarse with honesty. I was floored. I was fucking floored. Before I could say or do anything, she was kissing me, kissing me and parting her lips and seeking out my tongue and...and... I was in a blur of desire that snapped as soon as I realized just how dangerous this was. That's when I said it:"

I can't-"It's not what I had wanted to say after hearing those words from my partner, my partner who could kiss and how. I was too late though; she bolted out the door- probably out of my life- and left me standing there agape.

I sat down on my couch and realized I was uncomfortable, everything around me was different and nothing felt like home to me. I sat there licking my lips, tasting her, remembering the feel of her velvety mouth pressing to me. The sweetness of Scully's taste suddenly turned salty and I realized I was crying. I lowered my head and let it out.

**

“...You look so fine/ I'm like the desert tonight..."

**

I'm a fool, an idiot a Goddamned motherfucking idiot! I could have sat there sobbing all night but the memory of her mouth was too real. I rose, grabbed my keys and headed for Scully's. I had to finish this; I had to tell her. I needed her to know that I wanted to tell her that I can't love her... can't allow myself the dream... but I do, desperately.

**
**

I watched a car pull up outside my building, across from where I sat. I knew, before I saw the door open that it was Mulder. He was likely here to finish the job, to try and resolve things, explain to me why he can't. I didn't want to hear it; I couldn't stand the idea of adding more salt to my wound so I sat there. I watched him disappear into the building but when he didn't emerge for over ten minutes I started to worry that he was standing at my door screaming. My neighbours would be calling the police soon. I cut the engine and stepped out into the rain but was immediately immobilized with fear of confronting him.

I could hear him now, hear him pounding the door- calling me. The faint sound of his voice ('Scully!') it was torture, like a toothache you can't leave alone- sweet pain. I leaned against my car feeling the rain soak through to my skin, not caring about catching cold.

"Scully!" His voice jarred me.

"What are you doing standing out here?" I just shook my head.

"I can't do this right now Mulder- go home." I put my hand out, keeping him at arm's length.

"Just let me get you inside- you're soaked through."

"Go home Mulder. I can't."

**
**

I was ready to kick in the door when I remembered that I had her housekey in my coat in the car. I came out and saw her there, soaking in the rain. I wanted to collect her, take her inside, warm her, and tell her the truth- the only truth. Instead, she used my words against me. 'I can't.'

She wouldn't budge. The rain was pelting us both and she was shivering, recoiled from my touch. I stood there feeling helpless.

"Fine Scully, if you won't get indoors, we'll do this in the street." I didn't let her get in a word of protest. "You came to me tonight and showed me something, something I'd always hoped for and I fucked it up. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Scully, I just wasn't expecting that from you- I didn't know what to say and I fucked it up."

For the first time, she looked at me- right into me and I could see, even through the rain, she'd been crying, hard. I'd made Scully cry.

I stepped forward and collected her in my arms, trying to shelter her from the pain I'd caused.

"I'm so sorry Scully." I kept repeating it, rocking her in my arms but she was stiff and unyielding. After a few moments she thrust her hands between us and forced me away.

"I don't want your pity Mulder. Just forget this ever happened and I'll see you in the office. Nothing happened here tonight. Nothing. Just forget about it ok?" Her voice was angry and she sidestepped me, making a beeline for her apartment.

I would not forget; not for a million lifetimes would I forget what her lips felt like. I'd never tire of the taste of her mouth, never be anything but constantly aware that she'd said 'I love you Mulder'.

"No!"

**
**

"I'm not like all the other girls/ I won't take it like the other girls/
I won't fake it like the other girls, that you used to know..."

**
**

He shouted after me, the sound in his cry was so ragged and broken. I stopped and turned to face him, standing in the middle of the night in the middle of my street. He seemed to pause, then a look crossed his face that changed everything. He looked at me like I was the only thing in the world, like he was hungry and I was desert. I actually took three steps back when I registered that he was walking toward me intently.

"Mulder, no." I couldn't take any more wrenching of my heart tonight. He said nothing, just moved stealthily at me like I was prey. I shook my head 'no' trying to convey I was too fragile, too tired, too broken to take anymore of this but as he neared his hands drew up and gripped my face; leather gloved fingers stroking my tears in the rain. His hold on me was firm and without hesitation he leaned in, claiming my lips in a fervent kiss. I swooned. I actually lost my footing.

He kept kissing me; the passion in him seeping into me, rejuvenating the spark I had thought was killed in his apartment earlier. His tongue parted my lips, entered my mouth and swirled fiercely. The momentum built, his one hand still holding my face, the other tracing down my back- the heat from him pressing my cold, wet clothes to my skin was sending sparks of fire through my flesh. I was dizzy and feverish and stumbled forward a bit when he pulled away.

I stared at his mouth, his pouty bottom lip swollen and, glistening. I looked up and saw the raw emotion in his regard and was set a-flame.

**
**

My God. Scully.

She stood there in front of me, soaking wet, lips parted and eyes dreamy, looking like the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my sorry son-of-a-bitch life. I had to tell her, had to finish this and let the cards fall where they may.

"Scully I-" I watched her entire being shift and brace for impact. Her guard was thrown up at lightening speed- did she really think I was going to say I couldn't do this- love her. I smoothed her hair from her gorgeous face and stared her down. (Let down the armour Scully). "When you came to me tonight, when you kissed me- I was so shocked Scully, I didn't know what to do. I didn't mean what I said- I couldn't finish what I started to say."

I watched her glance downward and traced my index finger under her chin to pull her face to mine again. I brushed her lips with mine; the sensation was electric. I whispered, our lips still touching, "I was trying to say I can't love you... shouldn't love you... there are so many dangers, so many odds stacked against us and I want you safe- I can't fathom any more pain for you Scully. I've tried to convince myself for a long time now, that I simply can't love you. But the truth Scully- the truth is that I do, and I can't live without this now, not after touching you like this, not after tasting your mouth and feeling you pressed against me. I can't go on without it, without you."

Her mouth seared mine, halting my words, kissing them back into me. I slid my hands down her back and pressed her body to mine, feeling the subtle sharpness of her hips against me, I moaned into her mouth.

"Scully... Oh Scully, I love you. Love you so much, sweetheart." I couldn't stop breathing out the words between hot, tiny kisses; our lips pressed together as I lead her up the steps to her apartment and finally out of the rain.

**
**

"You're taking me over... over and over/
I'm falling over... over and over..."

**
**

As the door shut behind us and his kisses found me again, I was awake and alive. The lie had been shattered. We pressed 'I love you's' between tangled kisses and fell into the couch, shedding wet clothes for the comfort of touch and warmed flesh. If I dream tonight, I will no longer cry for the idea of Mulder's kiss. I will love and hold him instead.

**

FIN

**