Title: Never Will I Roam
Rating: G
Category: MSR
Spoilers: Within/Without- but only vaguely.
Archive: Why certainly... just let me know
please.
Summary: Mulder reaches out to Scully the
only way he can... for now.
Feedback: I need it desperately these days.
I suffer from low fic-writing esteem. Please
Send your thoughts to xenoprobe@hotmail.com
or http://www.xenoprobe.com
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were- make no
profit, have no money, do not sue :)
*~*~*~*
Never Will I Roam
By xenoprobe
You are the single most beautiful thing I have
ever seen.
I watch you, knowing you cannot see me, for
I am not really there. I am a spirit. I am
thought without weight- flitting in and out
of you when you are busy. I have learned so
much but at such a cost... such a cost Scully.
I can find you wherever you are- see you when
the pain is too much for anything but for you
to save me. You save me everyday.
I know how scared you are. I can even feel
you, like the prickles of static electricity
on my skin, your emotions colour me, warm me.
It took me a while to hone these new talents
and in turn it took me a while longer to realize
that our dream was a reality. You are pregnant.
I am not there. How unfair the universe is and
how sorry I am that you are alone.
But you're not really alone Scully. I'm here.
I'm right with you everyday. I cannot leave
you- I am the ghost that haunts you, will
always haunt you, Scully.
Yesterday you sat in the bathtub and cried.
You held your knees to your chest as closely
as possible, your perfect belly impeding
your efforts. Although I am all too aware
that I was not physically there, I felt an
overwhelming need to comfort you. As you
stretched out in the soapy water I literally
cried out, wanting to touch you. The thought
of dipping my hand into the warm water, tracing
circles up your arms, smoothing my hand over
your tummy to feel the very kick of life
strike my palm beneath... it was all too
much. I sobbed, cursing this life, cursing
my lack of strength to free myself from
these restraints, both physical and invisible.
So beautiful Scully.
I watched you dip your head to wash your hair.
Under water, you looked peaceful for a moment-
unaware of the noise of life going on outside
of this small watery universe. When you sat
up again the pain returned to your face and I
whispered to you.
'Hear me Scully... I am right here... you
can feel me I know you can.'
Your wonderful lips curved into a smile and I
could feel it all over me.
'I'm sorry I can't be there. I'm so sorry
Scully- but I am with you- with you always.'
Your quiet tears disappeared into the bath
water but your smile remained.
'I am coming. I promise you Scully- as soon
as I can I will be there. I will never leave
you again...'
At that your lips trembled and you spoke out
loud.
"Mulder..." Your hands encircled your belly
again. "Come home." Your whisper filled me
and I was taken with the sudden urge to scream.
To rile against the restraints and shatter
this world of suspended nothingness. I
drifted from you and the empty pain returned.
How dare they keep me from you! How dare
they! You are my life! How can they test
me to any satisfaction when I am not whole?
How can they conclude anything without an
understanding of the soul? You are my soul
Scully- you make me human.
I close my eyes again, feeling out a path
to you. You are asleep and dreaming. I
listen closely to the steady thump of your
heart and am distracted by another noise,
a faster beat just beyond your rhythm.
Before I even realize it- I can feel tears
soaking my temples... I am hearing the beat
of our baby's heart. Strong. Alive.
Like the black night sky, the shadows all
around me swallow my broken heart. And yet
the very breath of you imbues me with strength.
Strength to find my way, strength to see our
child born to both parents and strength to
share with you Scully, just how boundless my
love is. The alternating rhythms of Scully
and child- it is a calling, the drum that
calls me home.
'I'm coming Scully...'
In your slumber I hear you say,
"Come back to me Mulder."
'I'm coming Scully... I'm coming home.'
FIN
Author's Notes: While this could be considered
a follow-up to Within You, Without You I had
not originally intended it to be. I keep
imagining Mulder in that chair, strapped
and pinned in place, dreaming up ways to
find his way home. The fic is short- as
most of mine are lately, but I hope it
conveys the Mulder side of loss and longing
our heroes suffer of late. Please let me
know if it sucked eggs or even if you liked
it a little :)
I hope you all share a wonderful holidays
season with your near and dear ones-
Happy X-mas!
xenoprobe