This is a story in the tradition of "The Trial of Position of 'Monkeybutt'" in that it is about the assigning of a name. Before we begin, however, this tale needs some introduction on the major players. Firstly, there was myself, Tim "Hatboy/Deathlord" Cooper, veteran of many games and Battletecher extraordinare. Then there was Anthony "Redneck/Mullet" Napier, my best friend and #2 Battletecher. Finally, and most importantly, was Andy "Perkis Creampuff" Caple "the Fatness," a three-hundred-plus pound powerlifter over six feet tall, definitely on the rotund side, and a natural tendancy to have an ever-increasing name. For some reason, which was explained to me several times but I have forgotten yet again, we called him "Perkis"--I know it was in reference to some movie, but I don't know what--a nickname that he had long before I came to Kentucky. "Creampuff" came because, after always falling asleep first at sleepover parties, I would put generous amounts of shaving cream in his hair (whether it was because I had the most balls or I was the dumbest was never determined). "The Fatness" is self-explanatory, considering his physiology. Now, to the story.
We had tired of dull military missions, fair fights, ambushes,
strikes, raids, and the like, so we decided to invent a NEW sort of mission--capture the
flag! I had an old green army man US flag which was perfect, and we came up with
basic rules: Destroying a 'Mech was worth the 'Mech's tonnage (i.e. a 45 tonner was
worth 45 points) and keeping the flag for five turns was worth 100 points or some such.
The flag was magnetic, so arm/handless 'Mechs or vehicles could carry it, and it
was easy to pick up, so no standing-around-for-a-turn stuff. We set a tonnage limit
and chose our forces. I picked a balanced force made of a Hellbringer
medium 'Mech for distraction fire and a Pack Hunter light 'Mech for mobility;
Anthony was there to screw around with us so he got four Locusts; and Andy picked
the Linebacker (because he thought it looked like him) and some light tank to
fill up tonnage.
The game started with everyone a relatively equal distance from the
flag and everybody went for it. My Pack Hunter got as close as possible
without breaking cover and my Hellbringer stayed pretty much in the open (to
absorb fire); Anthony just swarmed over the hills; and Andy's tank moved foreward to take
the flag while his Linebacker waddled along. My Hellbringer took
out the tank and got into a firefight with the Linebacker while Anthony and I
maneuvered for the flag. My Pack Hunter got it and jumped around the board,
chased by the Locusts while my Hellbringer fought a holding action
against the Linebacker. The Hellbringer eventually lost the fight,
but not before completely disarming (in every sense of the term) Andy's big 'Mech.
Not to be put off by having only most of his center and left torsos left, Andy
began ramming Locusts whenever he could, always with the battlecry "Fear the
Waddling Torso!" My Pack Hunter also fired defensively against
the Locusts when it could, and usually whenever it hit a Locust died
(have you ever seen what a Clan extended-range particle projection cannon does to a Locust?).
Obviously, the Locusts were screwed, leaving only a nearly pristine Pack
Hunter and a badly damaged but still waddling Linebacker torso on the board.
In the last turn, Andy tried to ram his Linebacker into my Pack Hunter
but forgot I was standing on a hill, so he stopped right in front of my 'Mech.
Wanting to show him who's boss, I kicked him in the upper half--and kicked his
frickin' head right off. How damn cool is that?!
To be fair, we figured a 65-tonner wouldn't just lay down and die,
inertia and our bloodlust would not allow it, so we gave Andy the extra hex and had him
ram my Pack Hunter's lower half. He whacked my 'Mechs legs clean off.
Just imagine it--seeing this dinky little 'Mech on a hill kicking off this big
bruiser's head only to have the leg crumple and snap off as the Linebacker kept
moving, through the other leg, until you have this Pack Hunter torso seemingly
lying in open air just before it falls to earth. How smeggingly damn cool is that?!!
Needless to say, after that, Andy was officially Andy "Perkis Creampuff" Caple "the Fatness and Waddling Torso."