Weirdcrap Stories

Three Little did we know that while we were out earning our ticket to hell, a bandito slipped through the door behind us. "All right you flesh mongers this is a robbery," he said, "As we speak, my boys are out rounding up the rest of the sheep. Don't make me skin my smoke wagon!" he lifted his over shirt exposing a large gun of the .357 variety. "If any of you move, I'm going to blow the pickle off your blue plate special." Bam b'de blam blam!!! There were shots fired out in the dining room. People were going ape shit. Boom! Then most of the roof fell around us. Guys in black commando suits slid down their black ropes blowing away our captor. With his head blown off the robber with the skin wagon fell to his knees. Blood was squirting out of the open air space that used to be his head. To this day, I thought I heard him say "damn." It sounded muffled because it came out of the voice box but there was no mouth. One commando kicked the headless robber on its back and riddled it with bullets.the commando turned toward us...and pulled off his mask. It was Attorney General Janet Reno! "I've come for Elian!" She said in her too deep voice. Another member of her group grabbed Elian by the hair and lifted him two feet off the ground. "Ah shit," he said, "If we were in Cuba you'd be...the commando stuffed him in a sack marked "U.S. Mail." Steve popped up from no where and said, "Don't bother picking up your last check either!" Janet lifted her weapon side arm style and said, "Dodge this!" and shot him between the eyebrows. "All right lets move!" Bam! A lone shot rung out. Janet Reno fell to her knees and keeled over. This is Holy Fuckin' War someone yelled from the hall. We all looked over and saw the pope and his homies standing there. The decrepit old man took off his little Pope hat and chucked it at one of Janet's boys taking his head clean off. Then he pulled open his robe and pulled out his twin nines, and killed the remainder of Janet's possey. "God damn Evangelicals!" he said spitting on the corpses. "Pee in my fuckin' ride!" he mumbled on the way out. Kelvin, Jennifer, and myself retreated to the dry storage room to smoke a lot of pot. Kelvin packed his bowl and looked at Jennifer. "So," he said, "...when are you going to let me touch your tits." "Dam." She said flabbergasted. "You know, in a crisis situation people get turned on and shit like that." He took his hit and held it in. Then he reached out and grabbed her breast. She squirmed but didn't break free, we past the pipe around, then passed her around.

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