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Lunatic Ravings - 10/01/01
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday and Thursday
King's X---Manic Moonlight
I recently received this email from Maxine:
"I once was shagging my bf on a roundabout it got too frisky and I wet myself!!"
Wow.
I had to take a few minutes to figure this one out. For starters, I had a problem with "shagging", but
remembered that I saw a movie with part of that word in its title and it referred to having sex, so I presume that
that's what it means in that email.
What about "bf"? Big futon? Nah, you really couldn't have sex with that unless it's with one of the futon's
legs, but that would be sick. Brown foal? Could be, but if this happened on a roundabout, Maxine would probably
be in prison or locked up in some mental ward in the countryside.
Most of the stuff I could come up with was either inanimate object or animals, but Maxine seems way to sweet to
have sex with either of those. So, I am guessing "bf" means something human like big friend or best friend.
So, she was having sex with this person and she wet herself? That's kinda sick, but I guess it might depend on
what kind of sex it was. Maybe you wet yourself because you were dizzy from the roundabout. Regardless, I glad
you shared that with me.
Really.
Which brings me to Jesse Jackson.
Supposedly, the Tally Ho people in Afghanistan contacted him to come talk with them. Or maybe it was the other
way around. Who cares?
What I want to know is how one had a way to get in contact with the other. I can only imagine Jesse at home making
a sandwich, only to be interrupted by a long distance call from Afghanistan begging him to come on down and right
the wrong. Maybe during his morning bowel movement he had a vision when he blacked out momentarily from straining
too hard and decided to give Afghanistan a call when he woke up.
A couple of weeks ago I was wondering when Jesse would pop up. I guess I got my wish when I saw him last week on
MSNBC. It really made my day.
But I don't think Jesse understood what's been happening since he was talking about "tarryism" while
being interviewed. I looked that word up in the dictionary and couldn't find it. Maybe there's something going
on that only Jesse knows about and we better get him a ticket fast so he can get his butt over to Afghanistan to
eradicate that tarryism problem. If he does that, then he'll be my hero and I'll bend over on a busy street and
allow a lucky winner to shove a full grown fir tree up my ass.
I am probably in the minority here because I just don't feel that Jesse Jackson should be the person that we should
send over there. I don't want to cause any friction, gosh golly gee no, but it's my column and I am allowed to
voice my opinion. So there.
Which brings me to Monster Cow who wants to know where O.J.'s been recently.
Is anyone thinking what I'm thinking regarding O.J.? Probably not, but if you are we'll just keep it amongst ourselves,
okay? Remember, ANYONE should be sent other than Jesse Jackson. See what I'm getting at?
Which now brings me to Chuck. (See how everything fits together in a strange way?)
Chuck wants to know if I'll be part of a sandwich. Is this for some sort of Guiness World Record thing? If so,
I'm in!!!
The Wal Mart story is over because Connie won't call them back to complain some more. Too bad, because we might
have been able to own a good portion of the company if things kept getting fucked up.
And that's it.
COMING NEXT: Probably a rebuttal to a nasty
email from a Jesse Jackson supporter/lover. Or something else.
Probably something else.
snide_remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
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