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Lunatic Ravings - 07/30/01
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday and Thursday
The Cult---"Beyond Good and Evil"
I saw "Planet of the Apes" this past weekend and I must admit that I enjoyed it. If you haven't seen
it yet, I can guarantee that you'll be as surprised as I was at the end of the movie when the hero, played by that
guy who led the Funky Bunch, lands on earth and finds out that apes are also running that planet!!!! Wow, the sequel
possibilities are endless!!
I also liked the cameo by Charlton Heston. Nice speech he gave before he dies, but I was expecting him to scream
"Soylent Green is made out of people!" I know it's from a different movie but it would have fit in nicely
in the story line.
Janet B., a loyal reader from Omaha, NE wrote to thank me for helping her granddaughter learn how to read. They
watch 'South Park" together and then read my column and other assorted goodies on this site. I was happy about
this and also a bit confused because I didn't think anyone from Nebraska could read. Anything's possible I guess.
For Janet and her granddaughter I have written this:
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
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When the bucket was filled, Jack asked Jill politely if she wouldn't mind carrying the bucket down the hill since
he had strained his groin from a workout the night before.
Jill refused and told Jack to get his lazy ass in gear and to lug the pail down the hill himself.
This set Jack off since he had just smoked some crack. He pulled a pistol out of his pants and started to wave
it around.
Jill wasn't in the mood to put up with any of Jack's shit that day since it was her time of the month so she pushed
Jack and he went a-tumblin' down the hill.
As he tumbled and tumbled some Jack's head smashed into a rock opening it like a ripe cantaloupe.
Jill watched in horror as Jack tumbled the rest of the way down the hill, a trail of blood and brain marking his
descent.
When Jack finally reached the bottom of the hill, he was run over by a Cadillac being driven by Jill's pimp. Scared
because he was wanted by the police for many outstanding warrants, the pimp sped away with Jack stuck to the undercarriage
of the car.
Jill carried the bucket down the hill and after a night of whoring around turned herself into the police because
the guilt was too much for her to deal with.
THE END
COMING NEXT: More where that came from
Email Stephen
snide_remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
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