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For Disappointment,
Email Stephen
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 Nazareth---"Greatest Hits"
I took a week off because of the holiday and expected it to chock full of rest and relaxation, but I made the major
mistake of buying a movie poster which completely fucked up my whole week.
The lady that sold me the poster was nice enough to inform me that I would need a frame that measured 27X40. Pretty
simple I thought.
I bought the poster on Sunday and we stopped at K Mart on the way home to pick up a frame. However, they didn't
have any frames that measured 27X40. Maybe they were out, I thought.
My wife suggested we go to Wal Mart. After my convulsion ended we headed there with the agreement that I would
not have to set foot in that store.
I decided to be a man though and we both went into Wal Mart. After I wrestled and beat the old lady that was trying
to force a shopping cart on us we checked out their supply of frames and found that they didn't carry the frame
I needed.
By this time I was tired since it was about 1 pm, so I decided to save my frame hunting for another day. I didn't
realize that the day would be July 4th.
When that day arrived, I was in a poster frame finding mood. We woke up bright and early and headed to Michael's,
which is some sort of chick craft store. No frame there either, but they could build me one for $110.00, which
made me very, very happy in a thoroughly pissed off sort of way.
Next stop was Joanne's, another chick craft store. Same story. It dawned on me that I was basically SOL and that
I needed to get extremely drunk, but my wife thought it would be therapeutic if I did something that would get
my mind off unattainable 27X40 poster frames.
Her bright idea was to bake patriotic cookies and hand them out to patients at a local hospital. The idea didn't
seem so stupid after I had somewhere between 2-25 beers and off to the hospital we went with a huge plate piled
high with fresh baked cookies.
It started off pretty well with the patients. They seemed genuinely thankful that someone took the time to bake
some goodies for them. After seeing the second tearful patient, I was ready to call it quits, so I grabbed some
of the cookies and told my wife I was going to wander around a bit.
I headed to the emergency room hoping for the chance to see paramedics dragging in a headless corpse because that
would be kind of neat. But no such luck that day.
Instead I found the emergency room full of people bleeding from places where a few hours ago a body part had been
attached. These were the type of people who needed the cookies I decided.
I walked up to a man who was holding both his arms up in the air. The ends of his arms were wrapped with bloody
bandages. I sat next to him and offered him a delicious cookie. I guess he didn't have the good old holiday spirit
because he got very angry with me and started shouting at me to leave him alone. I told him everything would be
okay and that a fresh baked cookie would make everything better.
He stood up and started swinging his arms at me, but I moved out of the way for fear of being hit. Both bandages
flew off and I stared in awe at the bloody stumps.
He stopped swinging his arms and stared at where his hands used to be. Blood squirted in merry arcs from both stumps
which caused me to cheer and clap. I guess he lost quite a bit of blood because he fell to the ground and lay motionless.
I bent over him to see if he was ready for a cookie, but his eyes were closed and I assumed he was taking a nap.
I didn't want him to feel unwanted so I stuck a cookie on both stumps so that he could have a tasty snack when
he woke up.
My wife showed up when I was finishing with my good deed, but she didn't seem too happy or impressed. She dragged
me from the emergency room after I threw the remaining cookies up in the air and screamed, "It's a free for
all folks, get 'em while they're hot!"
I told my wife we needed to go back on Christmas, but she seems unsure about that for some reason. No matter, I
have a great idea revolving around ferrets dressed up as reindeer to amuse the patients.
COMING NEXT: I have a plan.
Click Here
if you wanna give Stephen "A Good, Ass Whuppin."
Snide_Remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
A new Lunatic Ravings pops up each Monday and Thursday. |
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