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 Accept---"Metal Heart"
We went to an outlet mall this past weekend because I was hell bent on finding some great bargains.
At the mall, I went to a store called Music 4 Less, expecting, well, music for less. I found the album I was looking
for priced at $15.99, which is cheaper than going to the local overpriced Musicland. But it wasn't cheap enough,
because, whenever Best Buy is around, you can generally find what you're looking for at a cheap, cheap price.
So off to Best Buy we went. The drive to the store was uneventful, but we did have a good laugh when we saw a drunk
fall off a curb into the path of an oncoming bus.
At Best Buy, I went to the section where the album should have been, but it was not there. I was quite pissed.
I grabbed someone standing nearby and demanded to know where the album was.
He tried answering but he was stuttering too much. I became extremely impatient at this point, so I told him to
get someone who could speak the English language without an impediment.
He ran away crying. I thought he was going to get someone else to help me, but he ran through the front door, screaming
and ripping chunks of hair out of his scalp.
This pissed me off even more, so I wandered around the store until I found a woman with huge breasts. I stood there
and stared at them while tugging at the front of my pants.
My wife found me in this state and slapped me a few times then forced me out of the store. I explained to her that
I had completely lost my mind for a moment and she accepted my apology, because she really had no other choice.
Outside the store, I discovered that the gentleman who had left the store screaming was now lying face down in
the parking lot letting kids on scooters use his body as a ramp.
I was still a bit annoyed, so I grabbed a scooter from one of the kids. I waited for another kid to launch himself
off the prone body and I swung the scooter at his airborne body with all my might.
The scooter must have been slick with sweat or something because it flew out of my hands and struck a nun who was
exiting a nearby religious bookstore. She fell to the ground and lay motionless as the scooter bounced off the
sidewalk, twisted in midair, and smashed through the windshield of a brand new PT Cruiser.
A man who had witnessed the whole incident screamed at me that I was fucked and that I was going to burn in hell.
I laughed at this, but my wife slapped me around until I was quiet, then she led me to her car and drove us home.
I am so whipped.
COMING NEXT: My happy place.
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Here if you wanna give Stephen "A Good, Ass Whuppin."
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