If you read my last column, you might have noticed the picture on the homepage.
I want everyone to know that is not my family. We don't look like ABBA. I don't even listen to ABBA.
Since Bob was too lazy to do his thing on Sunday, I am going to answer some mail I have received. Some of it is
actually Stephen's, but he's dead, so I am going to answer them anyway.
From Polly D. in Bismarck:
"Fuck you for making fun of Eminem. He is a very talented person and will make lots more money than you. Fucking
dumbass."
Okay, Polly. White men can't jump and white midgets can't rap. And I got me a good side business that gets me LOTS
of money, especially now that school has started. So, SHUT UP BITCH!!!!
From Chuck N in Missouri Valley:
"Metal rules!! Do you like the new Iron Maiden album?"
Iron who? What the fuck are you talkin about?
From Mindy M in Intercourse:
"What do you think about cloning and genetic research as a whole?"
A whole what? What the fuck is cloning? Are you one of them college people? Are you trying to put me down? Wait,
you're from Intercourse!! Does that mean you'll.............oh, never mind.
From Malcolm T in Chicago:
"Yo, brotha--don't you know about chitlins, black eyed peas and collard greens?"
Fuck yo momma.
From Allison B in West Caldwell:
"Stephen: I had a really good time when you came into town. However, there is a slight problem. I know you're
married and I know that we shouldn't have gone out drinking and did what we did at your hotel room. I came back
from the doctor today and found out that I'm pregnant. I am almost 100% sure it's yours, but it could also be (NAME
EDITED). Stephen, I have fallen for you, but I don't want to mess up your life. Tell me what you want me to do.
Love ya!!"
Well, well, well. Stephen had been messing around!!! What a guy. Sorry, Allison, but he won't be able to support
your ass cause he's DEAD!! Wait till I tell his wife about this!!
From Deb M in Jacksonville:
"Bob is the most intelligent person on your site. I really like Bob. Will I ever have the chance to meet him?"
Bob is a dick. He is also very dumb. Bob doesn't want to meet you so you might as well continue to fantasize about
Ricky Martin. Get a fucking life.
Unknown from Unknown (I forget who asked this one. Sorry.): "Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
If you squint your eyes as you watch tv, you might notice that the picture is distorted. So, kamikaze pilots wore
really tight helmets so that their eyes opened really wide (like the Americans in "Speed Racer"), and
they would be able to see their targets clearer.
Well, that's all the time I have cause I gotta watch UPN.
NEXT UP: Edith Bunker is assaulted---Stephen is dead. We explore the remarkable similarities.
By "Jerome White"
Bob was not lying when he said he did not write his column last week because he
was in jail.
I went to visit my uncle Charlie in jail yesterday and he told me that he got a new roommate last week. Charlie
said that his new roommate was really scared and looked like of of them "pretty boys". Any ways, Charlie
told my brother Ahmad, who is in the next cell, that he was going to have a little fun with his new roommate.
When the new guy bent over to pick up his pillow, Charlie told him that he had a cute ass. The guy started screaming
at Charlie, "I don't wanna have no sex in the butt! I don't wanna have no sex in the butt!" Charlie got
a bit fed up and smacked the guy around a bit and told him to shut up.
After a couple of hours, Charlie told the guy that he could talk. Charlie asked him his name and the guy told him
it was Bob. Bob was put in jail for vomiting on parking meters.
Bob then asked Charlie if he could protect him since he didn't want anyone to take advantage of him. Charlie laughed
at him and smacked him around some more. And that's when the story ended because visiting time was over.
I know it was the same Bob as the one who works here because when Bob came back to work, he had some bruises around
the ears. He won't admit if he was Charlie's roommate, though.
I am going to answer some more mail here, but before I do that, I was told by Jon that ershy thinks I suck. I was
told that I couldn't say anything mean back to ershy because they speak the truth. That fucking sucks because I
have some really fucking choice fucking words to say to ershy. I think ershy don't like me because of what happened
back in 1979. Get over it. It wasn't like you had the puppy for a long time.
On to the mail:
From Jack P in PA:
"How come no one ever died in the 'A-Team' television show?"
You ever run a Jeep off a ramp, spin in the air, crash to the ground,
roll 6 times and NOT die? It is impossible to die in a situation like
that. The show was based in reality, so no one ever died.
From Gwendolyn R in Texarkana TX:
"Howdy! Y'all ever gonna post results of calf roping?"
Tell you what. Let me have a couple of your illegitimate babies and I will let them loose in an arena somewhere,
then I'll chase them around and rope them and slam them to the ground so I can tie their arms and legs together.
In other words, go fuck yourself.
From Nathan R in Fargo ND:
"I kind of like your site. Can you please clean up the language a
bit?"
Hmmm.....let me see. No way or No fucking way.
No fucking way wins. So, there's your answer.
My bitch is calling. I gotta go.
COMING NEXT: My food stamps ain't good enough to buy beer??