07/03/00
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I'm Pissed!

By "John Stevenson"

Before I get into the true meaning of Independence Day, I would like to issue an apology to John Rocker.

Before Thursday's Mets vs. Braves game, Mr. Rocker read a statement that he had prepared earlier that morning. In that statement, he apologized and wished that it could be put behind him so that he could now concentrate on baseball.

As he read this statement, I felt a tear well up in my eye and realized that I, among others, have severely misjudged John boy. He is obviously a good natured human being and we took what he said in the wrong context.

John Rocker is now my modern day hero. I want my children to grow up to be just like him. I'm telling you, those words he spoke really got to me.

What I don't understand is if he wrote the statement himself, how come he stumbled over quite a few words? If he had wrote it himself, shouldn't it have come out a little more "smoother"? Or, is he just a complete idiot??

Like I really believe in his apology. Fuck throwing D batteries at him; maybe a car battery would do the trick and knock some sense into his pea brain.

Anyway, on to Independence Day. The true meaning is beer, fireworks, beer, food, beer, more fireworks and then the all important trip to the emergency room after you held the M80 in your hand a bit too long.

And children, please remember to make sure an adult is present when you light off any fireworks. Since you should not be playing with matches or lighters, I recommend you light the fuse with a lit cigarette. That way, you have yourself a good smoke and you won't burn your fingers.

Since someone enjoyed our top ten list last week, we're going to do another!!!!!!

Top 10 episodes of "Three's Company":

(Since we do not know the titles of these shows, we will give a brief
description instead)

10: The one where Larry tries to pick up Chrissie.

9: The one where Jack has to cook.

8: The one where Mr. Furley gets upset with Jack, Janet and Chrissie.

7: The one where Mr. Roper gets upset with Jack, Janet and Chrissie.

6: The one where Chrissie jumps up and down.

5: The one where they all go to the Regal Beagle.

4: The one where Jack gets a new girlfriend.

3: The one where Janet and/or Chrissie wear pajamas.

2: The one where Mr. Roper thinks Jack is gay.

1: The one where the girls wear short-shorts.

Make sure you catch at least one of these episodes, so you can see why 1970's television was the best ever!!! Gotta go now. I have to run to an adjacent state to pick up fireworks that are illegal here.

Everyone have a safe and happy July 4th!!!!

Coming next: It might be that special thing I promised last week!

.Email "John" if you find this offensive and you want to give him a "Good Ass-Whuppin."

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07/06/00
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I'm Pissed!

By "John Stevenson"

I was bored on Sunday, and happened to switch on ESPN 2, and watched about 2 minutes of these kids skateboarding. I was thoroughly disgusted.

I can remember when I was growing up, we had skateboards, but we were less pussies than the kids of today.

Today, they wear helmets, knee pads, and probably protective cups, too. We wore none of those. When we fell off the skateboard on the hot asphalt, we welcomed the pain. This was something we could show our friends, kind of like a status symbol. The bigger the scab, the cooler you were. There was nothing better than going home to have Mom pick put pieces of rock and glass from our elbows and knees.

As for helmets, we didn't need those either. Hell, my brother had 2 concussions from falling off his skateboard, and he was the toast of the town!!! I think our heads were a little bit harder back then, too. Or heads weren't turned soft by Nintendo or Sega. We had the Odyssey game system featuring Pong.

And how about these bicycles?? We had bikes that weighed about 50 pounds apiece, and we did not wear any protection riding those either. As a matter of fact, we used to go down hills really fast and then stick a baseball bat in the front spokes just to see how far we could fly off the bikes.

The new bikes have a foam rubber protection gizmo on the bar to protect men's testicles. We didn't have those. If we happened to slip off the seat, we would just whack our nuts on that bar and fall gracefully headfirst to the ground.

But, we got up! No whining, no pity seeking. We were men in little bodies back then. Our clothes, especially our pants, fit us too. We didn't have to worry about our pants falling to our knees. Kids nowadays need to learn how to dress themselves a bit better, I suppose.

I will believe this is a true sport when they skateboard or bike on asphalt without any benefit from padding or helmets. Nowadays, this "sport" is just too damned wussy-like.

Back to the Odyssey system. If you wanted to play something other than Pong, like Haunted House, you had to get your ass up from a couch and put a piece of plastic with a drawing of a haunted house on your television. Man, we had it tough. Yet, we wore no protection.

In case you are wondering, no I did not have to walk 15 miles to school every day. It was only 5, and there was only 1 hill. And we got rides to school when it snowed and rained. So, I guess we were pussies to the preceding generation.

But, they wore no protection either!!!

Walter Matthau passed away this past Sunday, and I have compiled a list of my 5 favorite Walter Matthau movies:

5. "The Sunshine Boys"
4. "The Odd Couple"
3. "Charade"
2. "Hopscotch"
1. "The Bad News Bears"

RIP Walter, we'll miss you!!!!!!!

Coming Next: That special thing????

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