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10/30/00

Ask Bob!
By "Bob Senitram"
Ask Bob will return next Monday (11/06/00). Until then, please enjoy the ramblings from a man who lives...

North of The Border
By "Dangerous Dave"

Well, it's time for Bob's next therapy session, so I'm back again as a guest ranter and raver again. I got a few questions, that I'd like to answer. If you've got questions for me don't bother I never answer them.

Brian Ziegmann from West Virgina writes:
So you'all are from Nebraska, Do you celebrate Halloween out there?

I'm sorry, Brian, I've never heard of Halloween, but on the night before November 1st all the children get all dressed up and then wander from door to door begging for candy. Hope that answers your question.

Bubba from Little Rock, AR wrote:
Hey Dangerous, My friend Billy Jeff Bubba, is a famous politician. What are your views on politics?

Well Bubba, Here in Nebraska politics are a low priority topic. We mostly discuss Corn, Corn-fed Beef, and Cornhusker Football around here. But I do have a few ideas on political issues.
For example:

Old folks and drugs: I'm in favor of that, I mean if we can keep those old foggies so doped up on drugs they won't bother the rest of us. And if they can't afford their drugs, I can refer them to my dealer. He buys in bulk so he passes the savings on to his customers.

On taxes: I think it is an evil created by the Bush people, don't believe me? Just change the letters "a" and "e" in the word taxes and what do you get? Coincidence? I don't think so.

And finally, You remember that famous incident of a supposed alien landing in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947? Exactly 9 months later Al Gore was born. Kinda spooky isn't it? Also, how can Al Gore, a tree hugger and environmentalist possibly bear to read the headlines in the paper if he wins the Presidential election just think "Gore beats Bush" unfathonable.

One final question from Al from Chicago.
Dangerous Dave, I know Bob, I went to school with Bob, Bob is a good friend of mine, and may I say, you're no Bob. Bob is funny, and intelligent, and witty, and humorous, and smart, and a drunk. You are just a faker, so what do you have to say for yourself.

Hello Al, Yes I remember you too. It is nice to know that your therapy is going well. I understand that your hair is beginning to grow back after that electrical fire. I was sorry to hear that those shock treatment had to be discontinued, when it was discovered your doctor did not have a license. You seemed to be getting better. So stop trying to live your life through Bob anymore, and go back to your gruel and your job at the shoe store. PS, you were''nt all that great of a high school football player.

So until next time, These are just the ramblings of a man, a common man, a man like the man next door, unless you lived next door to Charles Manson, and I hope to not hear from any of you ever.

Just thoughts from North of the Boarder.

Misstophales from Someplace:Why do stupid people in my class act so stupid?

Dear Misstopheles:

Lucky for us, the Gub-ment, had the same question a few years ago, so I don't have to bother.

In 1998 the President commissioned a non-partisan task force to answer the question, "Why do stupid people act so stupid?" It's not exactly what you asked, but it's close enough. But, here's the problem. They didn't find the answer and they ran out of money. Now it'll have to be taken care of, by our new President.

Gore promises to commission 2.75 million dollars to the task force to finish the research, while Bush claims he will commission more money than (2.5 million dollars).

Actually 2.5 is less than 2.75. When questioned, Bush replied that he never understood fractions and then refused to talk any more about "fuzzy-math" nonsense.

Nader simply stated that it was a stupid question and that commission ain't gettin "dime one" from his administration. Spoil-sport.

Paying a bunch of money to find stuff out isn't a new idea. Nixon paid a task force 10 thousand dollars, to find out "Why people are greedy." He never found out, the task force stole the money and took off. He had more success with his second project question, which was, "How the hell did I get elected." Well they found out. He cheated, and then he got kicked out of office.

Gerald Ford commissioned .75 million dollars to find out what causes crime. Here's what they found:

"...In order to encourage the public of the United States of America with encouragement, the Department of Redundancy Department of the United States of America has come to the sound conclusion, that, based on extensive research and exhaustive studies, that our results are sound and we will conclude further studies, based on the results of our conclusion, which is, despite other factors that can and do effect the rate of crime in the United States of America; primarily, crime, in the United States of America (research was limited to land borders within the United States of America; however, we feel the results are not limited to the populations within those borders), is caused by criminals..."

In summary, "Criminals cause crime."

"Wow!" said Time Magazine.

"Amazing!" expressed the publishers of Newsweek.

"Huh?!" said High Times.

So I saw this guy on the street corner with a sign that said "Elect Jesus." I'm confused...isn't a vote for Jesus, really a vote for Bush. And if Bush wins, do we have to crucify him? I just don't know.

And what if Jesus does win? Will he come back to run the United States?

Will that make Israel Mad?

Of course it will, Israel is always mad.

But Isn't Jesus only supposed to come back at the end of the World? So if we elect Jesus...aren't we just asking for the end of the world? Is that such a good idea? What would the Mormons think? Will Mr. Farrakhan, try to assassinate Jesus, because he hates Jewish people? If he does, will Jesus die or will he just heal himself and laugh? This has all given me a headache...I don't think I'm voting for Jesus this year.