Unicron vs. Frenzy:

Rattrap:  And so I sez to her, “If you can’t cook, den da weddin’s off!”

Jetstorm:  Ha ha ha ha!

Rattrap:  Yeah!  And den she… um… why is the red light on the camera on?

Jetstorm:  Oh this is sweet!  You were heard on national television about your girlfriend’s poor cooking skills.  She’s gonna murder ya!

Rattrap:  (blushing) Er… um… Welcome to another good fight in the Titanic TF Tussle.  Today we have a one of the most unequal match ups ever.  The gigantic planet eater Unicron against one of the tiniest bots, Frenzy!  Isn’t that right, Jetstorm?

Jetstorm:  You’re dead when you get home, you know that, don’t you?  And yes, it is without a doubt, the most unfair fight of all.  It’ll be over a click!  That’s why I bet five grand on the monster planet!

Rattrap:  He’s so big, we had to build a bigger ring.  And we have to do it outdoors, too.  Let’s go to ringside.  Take it away, Jazz!

Jazz:  Ladies and gentlebots!  Maximals and Predacons!  Autobots and Decepticons!  Aerialbots and Constructicons!  Headmasters and Pretenders!  Junkticons and Quinte-

Frenzy:  C’mon punk!  Who asked for a TF roll call?  I came here to kick tushy!

Jazz:  And a BIG tushy it is!  From the depths of space, here he is!  The monster Transformer!  The planet eater! The mortal enemy of Primus himself, Unicron!

A huge sphere floated towards the ring.  He doesn’t transform.  “I… am Unicron!”

Jazz:  We know who you are, your hugeness, sir.  And the challenger!  Once serving under Soundwave, he’s the earth-shaking tiny cassette, Rumble!

Frenzy:  I’m Frenzy, you stupid race car!

Jazz:  Oh, I’m sorry, cats!  This is Frenzy! (Although the comics suggest otherwise).  Now if you’ll pardon the expression, let’s get ready (giggle, giggle) to RUMBLE!!!

Frenzy:  I don’t pardon it, but I’ll deal with you later.  Right now, I wanna squish this oversized grape!

Frenzy jumps on top on Unicron’s round body.  He proceeds to pound it.

Frenzy:  First I’ll crack the shell, then I’ll crack his nuts inside!

Unicron:  You exaggerate.

Frenzy:  You’re all talk, pal!  Come on and fight like a man!

Unicron:  I have summoned you here for a purpose.

Frenzy:  Wha?  Who summoned who?  I’M the challenger!

Unicron:  Destroy the Matrix!

Frenzy:  News flash – no one’s seen the Matrix for 300 years!  And quit talking like that.  The only thing worse than your slow words and deep voice are your lines!  Can’t you say anything else?

Unicron:  Don’t know.  Never tried.

Frenzy:  You’re nuthin!  You’re just a big joke.  Uni-CORN!  Ha ha ha!

Unicron:  You… have insulted my name.  You shall pay!

Unicron starts shaking.  He starts transforming.  His hands poke out.  And so begins the extremely complicated process.

Frenzy:  Come on, ya slow poke!  Can’t ya transform any faster?  No wonder they never made a toy of you!  Hasbro got a headache just thinking of it!

Unicron finishes transforming.

Unicron:  Now… proceed on your way to oblivion.

Unicron bends over to pick Frenzy up.  Frenzy runs around in circles around him.  The monster TF twists left and right in a frustrating attempt to grab the tiny Decepticon.  Finally, Unicron gives up and straightens his back.  Frenzy pounds on the big toe.

Frenzy:  You’re just an old fat guy!  You don’t have any weapons.  You can’t even talk trash like me!  You’re un-crossa-matic!

Unicron:  You… want to hear my wrath?  Fine.  Rumble was a better robot than you.  Even Laserbeak talked better than you do.

Frenzy:  Laserbeak never talked!

Unicron:  Well, if he did, he’d be better than you.  And when Ravage gained the ability of speech, he at least had a nice accent.

Frenzy:  That clown?  He sounded like he came from Iraq!

Unicron:  And no one knows what kind of music you have recorded on a cassette like you!  What is it, huh?  Maybe it’s old church music, or a sermon, or a Tom Jones album!

Frenzy:  Why you plump watermelon!  You’re dead!

Frenzy smashes Unicron’s big toe.  It breaks apart and Frenzy continues pounding the others.

Unicron:  Ouch!  That does it!  I should have done this a long time ago.

Unicron raises his enormous foot and brings it down on Frenzy.  BAM!!!  Unicron smiles and lifts his foot to examine the remains of the corpse.  He picks him up and holds Frenzy close to his face.  To eveyone’s surprise, Frenzy is still alive!

Frenzy:  That hurt!

Unicron:  How?

Frenzy:  Die cast metal.  It’s a lost art.  YOU, on the other hand, are made of plastic!

Unicron:  I’m made of no such material!

Unicron holds Frenzy closer to his face.

Frenzy:  What?  Are you gonna swallow me?  Not today, chump!

Frenzy squirms out of Unicron’s hand and jumps down on the big body.  Unicron looks around, but can’t find the tiny robot.  With a body as big as that, there’s a lot of space to search through.

Frenzy:  Hey!  Where am I?  I think I’m lost!  Must’ve taken a wrong turn.  And what’s this small hole… ooooohhh!  I think I found Unicron’s bellybutton!

Unicron:  No!  You cannot… destroy…my…

Frenzy:  No, I’m kidding!  Actually, I’m on your butt!

Unicron:  No.

Frenzy:  Prepare for the biggest wedgie in TF history!

Unicron:  How?  You are too weak…

Frenzy:  Never underestimate the power of simple machines.

Unicron looks up and sees a large pulley being lowered behind him.  He shakes his head, not believing.

Unicron:  It cannot be done.  Go ahead.  Do your best to – YEEKS!

A sickening crunch of metal is heard.  The crowd winces.

Unicron bends over, his face contorted in agony and humiliation.  Then a wicked grin spreads on his face.

Unicron:  If you’re on my butt, then prepare to be the flattest pancake transformer… IN THE WORLD!!!

Unicron jumps up 300 feet in the air and comes down at the speed of mach 1.  He slams the ground so hard the crowd is blown back by the shock waves.  When the dust clears, Unicron is sitting in a giant crater.  He stands up and reveals the paper-thin Frenzy.  A look of sheer terror is forever locked on his face.

Unicron:  I… am… Unicron!!!

Jazz:  It’s over!  Unicron wins!  Frenzy is a pancake!

Rattrap:  Well, I think this turned out to be a better match than expected.  Don’t you think, Jetstorm?

Jetstorm:  I’m rich!  The bookie better pay me soon!  I knew Uny would win!

Rattrap:  Yes, I’m sure we all saw this coming.  But who’d have thought that Frenzy would be able to give Unicron a wedgie?

Jetstorm:  Until next time folks!  Good fight, good night!