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parody2
From: pietrzak@bert.cs.byu.edu (John P Pietrzak) After months of
preparation, I'm happy to announce that version 2.1 of a B5 parody I wrote
a while back is now ready for public consumption. Many thanks go to
Patricia Swan, whose expertise and unflagging effort have made this
version possible. (She completely reformatted the whole text and added
necessary material to make it comply with actual TV script format.) Again,
so far as I know, parodies are allowed on r.a.s.t.B5; please send
nastygrams to pietrzak@cs.byu.edu, if I'm wrong about this (or if you wish
me to discontinue the practice in any case). At any rate, the following
spoof shouldn't have any real story ideas within it. I hope you enjoy it.
John ---- IT CAME FROM THE BLACK SPACE LAGOON (TNG vs. B5) (Version 2.1)
(By John Pietrzak pietrzak@cs.byu.edu http://escalante.cs.byu.edu/~pietrzak/)
Version 1.1 fixed many spelling and grammar errors, and added a fourth act
to the parody. ( First uploaded to Net: 6/26/95) Version 2.1 has been
revised and formatted as a one-hour dramatic television script by Patricia
A. Swan (zafaran@aol.com, 76571.2671@compuserve.com) DISCLAIMER This
parody involves a crossover between Star Trek, the Next Generation
somewhere around season six or seven, and Babylon 5 near the end of season
2; be warned that many SPOILERS may (and do) reside in it for either show.
This text may violate the story idea rule; read at our own risk, post only
if allowed to do so. If you do actually attempt to read this whole thing,
let me note that it takes a little time to get to the humorous bits; the
first few scenes are relatively serious. Let me also mention from the
start that I have a slight bias towards Babylon 5; however, I've included
most of my favorite pet peeves from that show, so there should be
something for everyone.But in particular, the dialogue for the B5
characters will sound somewhat more authentic. All right, for those few
people who have actually read this far down in the disclaimer, let me say
that you are given the right to do anything you want with this document:
copy it, post it, say that you wrote it, sell it for profit, fold,
spindle, mutilate, etc. Enjoy. John Pietrzak (9/5/95) FORMATTER'S NOTES If
you wish to print this out with the page breaks in the proper positions
you have a couple of choices. Either delete all the page breaks I inserted
in the file and print it with a page length of 54 lines, replace each one
with a ^L or whatever the manual page break is for your text processor, or
just ignore the fact that they're there at the bottom of the page and
print with a page length of 55 lines. This formatting assumes that you are
using a true 10 cpi font on a dot-matrix or daisy wheel printer, or 11
point Courier in either True Type or ATM Type 1 fonts, but please be sure
to double check that this holds true for your system and proof your page
breaks before you commit this to the printer because the printout runs
about 40 pages. Patricia A. Swan (9/4/95) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TEASER FADE IN: EXT. ENTERPRISE (CGI) PICARD (v.
o.) Captain's Log, stardate #####.#. In the course of a routine sector
mapping expedition, we detected what appeared to be a severe subspace
anomaly. As if the very fabric of space itself were ripped apart. We have
entered the region where it occured, in hope of determining what caused
the anomaly. INT. MAIN BRIDGE We are on the main bridge of the Enterprise.
PICARD, RIKER, DATA, and WORF are at their normal stations. PICARD (beat)
Data, any signs of what might have caused the anomaly? DATA None so far,
sir. The SOUND OF ALARMS suddenly ring out on the bridge. All eyes look
towards the MAIN VIEWER, where a curious spinning blue vortex has
appeared. EXT. ENTERPRISE (CGI) The Enterprise stares down the throat of
the vortex, as a huge something-or-other appears out of it. Is it a ship?
Is it a being? Hard to tell. INT. MAIN BRIDGE PICARD Hail them, Mr. Worf.
WORF No answer to our hails, sir. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: DATA
They are on a collision course. RIKER Shields up! WORF Shields are not
responding! PICARD (hitting comm badge) Geordi, what's happening? LA FORGE
(V.O.) I'm not sure sir, we've got some sort of power drain down here.
DATA Confirmed. By my readings, we've lost warp power, and we're down to
40.9325% of impulse power. PICARD Can we maneuver out of the way? DATA Not
quickly enough, sir... EXT. ENTERPRISE (CGI) The being towers over the
ship. At the very last moment, it turns to enter a curious spinning yellow
vortex, barely clearing the ship's hull in the process. The Enterprise
also slides into the vortex, and all three disappear, leaving an empty
region of space. END TEASER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. ENTERPRISE (CGI) WE SEE
the Enterprise sitting in a region of swirling red and black clouds. INT.
MAIN BRIDGE Picard, Worf, Data, and Riker are at their regular stations.
PICARD Status? WORF Warp power is off-line. Shields are down, impulse
power at 10 percent... DATA Approximately 10.5763 percent. WORF (frowning
at Data) And, we are running on emergency life support. PICARD Data, what
just happened? DATA It would appear that we have passed through some sort
of interspacial gateway, into another region of subspace. Sensors indicate
space here holds a non-Euclidean geometry. PICARD What exactly does that
mean? DATA Space is really, really, weird here, sir. PICARD Ah, thank you,
Mr. Data. CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: LA FORGE (V. O.) We've got a problem,
Captain. RIKER (under his breath) Always a master of understatement...
PICARD (hitting comm badge) Go ahead, Mr. La Forge. LA FORGE (V. O.) Sir,
we don't have enough power left to reconstitute our dilithium crystals; in
fact, unless we can find some external power source, we'll lose antimatter
containment in about 6 hours. DATA Approximately 6.298534 hours. PICARD Do
what you can, Geordi. WORF I'm detecting some sort of beacon, sir. DATA
Confirmed. It may serve as a marker for an exit from this region. PICARD
Can we reach it? DATA Given current power levels, we could reach it in
15.64338 minutes. PICARD Set a course for it, maximum speed. Engage. EXT.
BABYLON 5 (CGI) Establishing shot of the station. CUT TO:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INT.COMMAND AND
CONTROL Command & Control on board Babylon 5. IVANOVA is present, as
are a GROUP OF PEOPLE working in the six- foot-deep pit in the center of
the room. (You sort of have to wonder how much Earth Dome shells out for
the neck and back strain problems of these people, with the way they have
to crane their necks to see anything.) The Jumpgate activates. IVANOVA
What the hell? Nothing's scheduled through the gate at this time. ORIGINAL
TECH #1 (Marianne Robertson) Commander Ivanova, it's big! EXT. ENTERPRISE
(CGI) Enterprise passes through the jumpgate with the usual SOUND OF
THUNDEROUS BOOMING and SPECIAL EFFECTS. INT. COMMAND AND CONTROL Ivanova
taps her link. IVANOVA Ivanova to Captain Sheridan. After a slight pause
SHERIDAN (V. O.) Sheridan here. IVANOVA Captain, you'd better come up
here. We've got an unscheduled ship through the gate, and it has a
configuration I've never seen before. (beat) It also looks a lot more
solid than anything I've ever seen before. It's as if it weren't computer
generated... CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INT. MAIN BRIDGE PICARD Have we returned to our
own universe? DATA Unlikely, sir. I am unable to detect any Starfleet
subspace relays. However, I do detect a large artificial construction
nearby. PICARD On screen. A view of the Babylon 5 station appears on the
main view screen. DATA I detect 251,948.3952 life forms on board. The
station is 8.43829 kilometers in length. It performs one rotation every
53.2958 seconds. At present speed, we will reach the station in 4.93285
minutes. PICARD Data, you aren't just making up these numbers off the top
of your head, are you? DATA No sir, I employ a highly intricate heuristic
pseudo- random number generator to make them up. PICARD Oh, well, all
right then. What kind of technology do they have? DATA They appear to have
a level of technology which is significantly inferior to our own. However,
they are generating a sufficient amount of energy to solve our immediate
problem. CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: PICARD All right, then; we shall ask
these beings to provide us with the energy we need. Remember the Prime
Directive: If at all possible, do not allow any of the natives to learn of
our superior technology. But of course discover and record as much of
their technology as you can. Sly grins appear on the faces of the bridge
crew. INT. COMMAND AND CONTROL SHERIDAN has arrived, and Ivanova is
describing the situation to him. SHERIDAN What the hell? IVANOVA Yes, it
seems to be true; they are from a different universe. They appear to be
mostly human, but you can tell from one look at that ship that they have
technology well beyond our own. SHERIDAN And they need _our_ help? IVANOVA
They say their ship is crippled. But there's no way to tell from out here;
it doesn't bear a scratch. They probably can't afford the special effects
costs to give it dents and pock marks. SHERIDAN All right, this -is-
neutral territory. So long as they come in peace, we have to accept them.
Have Garibaldi take a transport over to ferry their "away team"
into the station. In the meantime, I'll prepare (more) CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED:
SHERIDAN (cont.) one of my welcoming speeches lifted directly from ones
other people spoke hundreds of years ago. INT. ENTERPRISE SHUTTLE BAY
(CGI) A B5 transport sits wedged inside of it. The shuttle bay doors slide
open. INT. COCKPIT, B5 TRANSPORT GARIBALDI, Picard, and Data are seated in
the cockpit. GARIBALDI What the hell? DATA (to Garibaldi) I am intrigued,
sir; that phrase has appeared many times now in the transmissions sent
between your staff and ours. It would appear that you use a great deal of
"colorful metaphors" in your speech. GARIBALDI It's just that,
you've opened the shuttle bay doors, but I'm still reading an atmosphere
outside of this transport. PICARD It's simply being held in place by a
force fi- (more) Data shakes his head. PICARD (cont.) Oh. Well, that is,
there's a barrier of transparent alu- (more) Data shakes his head.
CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTINUED: PICARD (cont.) None of that either, eh? Let's see, a hologram?
(more) Data nods his head. PICARD (cont.) That's it, it's a hologram of
what is outside the shuttle bay doors. They are actually still closed.
GARIBALDI Yeah. -Right-. PICARD (quietly, to comm badge) Shut off the
force field! EXT. ENTERPRISE(CGI) Shot of the transport leaving shuttle
bay. The exhaust from the reaction drive of the transport leaves dirty
streaks and marks over each part of the Enterprise it touches. (Apparently
the special effects don't cost as much in this universe.) INT. CUSTOMS
AREA, B5 Sheridan, Ivanova, and the CUSTOMS OFFICER are on hand to greet
Picard, Worf, Data, CRUSHER, Riker, TROI, and an ANONYMOUS STARFLEET
ENSIGN. SHERIDAN Welcome to Ba- CUSTOMS OFFICER I'm detecting a large
power source! PICARD Worf, I told you, no phasers. WORF PICARD Lieutenant
Worf, you will hand me that phaser, now. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTINUED: Worf retrieves a dustbust- that is, a phaser from under his
sash. PICARD Anonymous Starfleet Ensign, please put this back on the
transport. ANONYMOUS STARFLEET ENSIGN Yes, sir. Picard hands phaser to
Anonymous Starfleet Ensign. The cameo over, Anonymous Starfleet Ensign is
never seen in either universe again. SHERIDAN As I was saying, wel-
CUSTOMS OFFICER Reading a smaller power source! CRUSHER What, you mean
this? It's just my medical tri... Uhm, that is, it's my Pocket Simon. You
know, that game with the flashing lights? CUSTOMS OFFICER I assume you
can't use it as a weapon. CRUSHER No, of course not. DATA Actually, if you
connected the leads of its ODN relays to the EPS conduit in order to
create a cascade effect ... (more) Crusher surreptitiously kicks him in
the shins. DATA (cont.) the buildup of omicron particles (more) Crusher
surreptitiously kicks him higher in the leg, CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED:
finally reaching the desired point. Data switches off. CRUSHER No, it
can't be used as a weapon. SHERIDAN Well then, good. I always try to
practice Sheridan's Rule Number 36: If you fight, fight with unarmed
opponents. If you can't, lure them into a minefield. Anyway, welcome to
Babylon 5. The entire Enterprise group finally makes it through customs,
dragging Data along with them. IVANOVA Is there anything wrong with the
pasty-skinned fellow there? PICARD Nothing that a thousand-ton press
couldn't fix. He's our android. We'll switch him back on momentarily.
IVANOVA Android? As in, robot? I never thought I'd live to see a robot on
Babylon 5, with the way Straczynski talks about them. SHERIDAN Well, it's
like my great-great- great-great grandfather always said, "Life is
like a box of chocolates..." INT. LONG STATION CORRIDOR Picard,
Riker, Worf, Data, Troi, and Crusher are walking along one of those
amazingly long B5 hallways. PICARD It appears that there are (more)
CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTINUED: PICARD (cont.) several alien races on board this station, some
at a level of technology which rivals our own. RIKER Captain, we were
there when Sheridan explained that, you don't have to repeat it. PICARD
Yes, but the audience wasn't there, Commander. RIKER (sheepishly) Oh.
Right. PICARD As I was saying, many of these races have ambassadors. We
will visit each of these ambassadors first, in hopes of acquiring the
power we need without breaking the Prime Directive. (more) A sly grin
appears on the faces of the crew for a moment. PICARD (cont.) There also
appears to be a seedier side to this station. Will, because of your
special aptitude for seedy situations, you will explore that area. RIKER
Great! PICARD Troi will go with you as chaperon. RIKER Awww. The group
continues walking in silence for a moment. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED:
CRUSHER (looking around) This is an amazingly long hallway. TROI Are you
feeling claustrophobic, Beverly? Another moment passes. DATA I estimate we
have traveled 118.3452 feet so far. PICARD Thank you, Data. Another moment
passes. The group looks awkwardly at each other. WORF None of our sets are
this big. If I had known how long this scene was going to last, I'd have
pushed to get some dialogue. How far does this go? The group starts moving
more quickly through the twisting corridor, but it goes on and on. Several
of them start looking for doorways they can open or some way to climb over
the walls; Picard makes a motion facing the camera, passing his hand
across his neck in a slicing manner. INT. AMBASSADOR G'KAR'S QUARTERS
G'KAR, NA'TOTH, Pi'card, W'orf, Da'ta, and Cru'sher are present. G'KAR Let
me see. You're saying that you want me to help you locate a source of
power for your ship. (more) Enterprise people all nod. G'KAR (cont.) And
yet, you don't want to give (more) CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: G'KAR
(cont.) me anything in return? (more) Enterprise people all nod. G'KAR
(cont.) But how can this be? You see, alliances are based upon mutual
benefit; if you can do nothing to aid my people, then I can do nothing for
yours. PI'CARD But it would be against the Prime Directive for us to give
your race anything useful... (more) Sly grins appear on the faces of all
the Enterprise people. PI'CARD (cont.) Is there perhaps something we can
do for you personally? We don't have a great deal of time. DA'TA I
estimate 3.23498 hours, Cap'tain. PI'CARD Thank you, Da'ta. G'KAR Perhaps,
if you allowed me to negotiate privately with Doc'tor Cru'sher for, say,
(beat) an hour or so... PI'CARD Certainly not! (more) Pi'card looks at
Cru'sher. Cru'sher remains silent. PI'CARD (cont.) Be'verly? (more)
CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTINUED: Cru'sher has a contemplative look on her face. Pi'card motions
to W'orf and Da'ta, who grab Cru'sher by the arms and pull her out of the
room. PI'CARD (cont.) It would appear that we can do nothing to persuade
you. Wait, doesn't she have anything to say about this? Pi'card points to
far corner of room. G'KAR Oh, you mean Na'Toth? No, ever since the
beginning of this season, she seems to have become a completely different
Narn. Weak and frail. She no longer gets many lines. NA'TOTH (annoyed)
Hey! G'KAR See what I mean? That's all she gets to say in this entire
episode. PI'CARD Well, thank you for your time, Ambassador. Pi'card exits
room, disappearing from the view of the camera, but remains within
earshot. PI'CARD (V. O.) Be'verly, I can't believe you'd even consider it.
CRU'SHER (V. O.) It's not like we're married, Je'an-L'uc. PI'CARD (V. O.)
Oh, that's right, we aren't yet, are we. All this time travel and
dimension hopping gets confusing at times. CUT TO:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INT. ZOCALO
Riker is standing next to the stall with all the cheap-o jewelry behind
which they always put the camera. The area is thick with HUMANOIDS and
noise. Troi is nowhere to be seen. RIKER (muttering under his breath)
Finally! I have to get rid of this bright red uniform. It stands out in
all this drab, dark, and dirty scenery... MORDEN is standing in the
shadows near Riker. MORDEN What do you want? RIKER What? Who are you?
MORDEN A friend. I was informed that you might be in need of help. (beat)
What do you want? RIKER Well, we're attempting to return to our own
universe... Morden appears to meditate for a moment. Curious subtle SOUNDS
occur around him. MORDEN I believe that my associates and I may be able to
help you. On the condition that you do not reveal our existence to the
others here. RIKER Of course; it would be against the Prime Directive
(more) A sly grin passes over Riker's face. RIKER (cont) to disrupt the
local political (more) CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: RIKER (cont.) situation, but we would
also require you to keep anything you learn about us secret as well.
MORDEN Done and done. As Riker confers with with his comm badge in a NEAR
INAUDIBLE MUTTER, Troi appears out of the crowd and moves in his
direction. Then she suddenly notices Morden (or, perhaps, something in the
general direction of Morden), and a look of horror passes over her face;
she collapses in front of Morden. RIKER (to Morden, after noticing Troi,
and with a surprised and worried look on his face) What happened? MORDEN
(thinking quickly) I'm not sure; I've noticed that women tend to throw
themselves at my feet. RIKER Oh; well, I guess I can understand that. END
ACT ONE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. AMBASSADOR MOLLARI'S QUARTERS MOLLARI, COTTO, Picard, Data,
Worf, and Crusher are present. MOLLARI Well, come in, come in! Vir, get
these nice people a drink. PICARD We can't stay long, Ambassador. As I
stated in my message, we are searching for a source of power for our ship,
but we cannot give you any of our technology in return. MOLLARI Yes, yes,
look; I have no need for your trinkets. But an empire such as our own
requires capital to function, eh? Perhaps there is some small way for you
to defray the cost of generating the power you require? PICARD (thinking a
moment) Perhaps we could repli... uhm, supply you with an amount of gold
or diamonds? MOLLARI Ah, good! This is acceptable. Come, let us drink
together to celebrate our new friendship. RIKER (V. O.) (via Crusher's
comm badge) Doctor Crusher, please come down to Medlab 1. CRUSHER What's
the problem, Commander? CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: RIKER (V. O.) Deanna appears to have
fainted upon sight of a man called Morden. MOLLARI She is a telepath, yes?
Ah, that Morden. The telepaths drop like flies around him. It's really
quite amazing he's kept so well hidden, what with the number of them
running around on this station. CRUSHER (into comm badge) I'll be there
right away. Crusher leaves the room. PICARD (nosing his drink) Wait, does
this drink contain alcohol? Perhaps there is something more I could offer
you, known as Synthale. It has all the taste of alcohol, but none of the
side effects. MOLLARI Wha-at? You wish for me to drink non-alcoholic
beverages? Thief of happiness! Assassin of joy! PICARD But... MOLLARI
Leave me! You will get no source of power from me. Out! Out! Picard, Worf,
and Data are hustled out the door. INT. MEDLAB 1 Troi is lying on the bed
with FRANKLIN passing his medical device of the week over her. Riker is
looking on. CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: FRANKLIN What the hell? RIKER We've
already done that joke. FRANKLIN (petulant) But I haven't had a chance to
say it yet! RIKER (sighs) All right. Anyway, what's wrong, doctor?
FRANKLIN From these readings, the patient is only partly human... RIKER
That's because she's half- Betazoid. FRANKLIN (worried) Well, I have had
some limited experience with this sort of genetic hybridization, but it
would be helpful if you could have your own doctor on hand. RIKER
(nodding) I notified her almost fifteen minutes ago, but without the use
of the trans... um, with the transportation system you have on this
station, it could take a while for her to arrive. Medlab door opens and a
slightly queasy Crusher steps in. CRUSHER I'm sorry it took so long to get
here, I had to take that "core shuttle". Without our artificial
gr... uh, it's been a (more) CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: CRUSHER (cont.) long time since I've
been in such low gravity, and with the way this station constantly
spins... RIKER Beverly, Deanna is in some sort of coma. FRANKLIN With her
partially alien physiology, I didn't want to perform any invasive actions
without consulting you first. Crusher surreptitiously passes her tricorder
over Troi's prone body. CRUSHER She appears to be in shock, from some
powerful telepathic stimulus. It would be a good idea to have someone else
with Troi's special abilities take a look at her. (beat) Doctor, you
wouldn't happen to have a voluptuous female telepath on board running
around in clothing that requires a shoehorn to get out of? FRANKLIN Well,
now that you mention it... CRUSHER Good, have her take a look, and call me
if you have any problems. I'm going back to the ship, to lie down in some
perfect one G gravity without this horrible coriolis effect... Crusher
sways a bit as she makes her way out of the room. INT. AMBASSADOR DELENN'S
QUARTERS DELENN, LENNIER, Picard, Data, and Worf are present. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED:
PICARD As a member of a highly advanced race, surely you will be able to
give us the help we need. DELENN (with a beatific expression) The concept
of self-sacrifice is very important to my people. It is our duty to do all
that we can in service to those in need. PICARD Then you will give us
access to a Minbari power supply? DELENN (with a pained expression) I
cannot. If I were to reveal the power of our side too early, the great
darkness would discover our weakness, and sweep us away before our
preparations were complete. PICARD Could you at least explain to us this
great darkness? Of course, we can't give you anything you might be able to
use against it, that would be against the Prime Directive, (more) Picard,
Data, and Worf grin in a sly manner. PICARD (cont.) but it would help
explain your race's particular problem. You see, all aliens in Trek
characterize some specific facet of humanity's flaws. You know, Ferengis
are the evils of capitalism, Klingons are the stupidity of warfare,
Cardassians are heartless spies, that sort of thing. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED:
DELENN (looking into the distance) Well, billions of years ago, there
were... DATA Captain, I estimate we have 2.52345 hours left. PICARD Thank
you, Data. I'm sorry, Ambassador, could you give us a quick synopsis?
DELENN (look of concentration) Lets see; the shadows are our ancient
enemy; humans have a great destiny; and I have genetically modified myself
to become part Human, and part Minbari. DATA Interesting; so you share my
own desire to learn more of humans and human emotions. DELENN (humorous
look) No, I have far too much emotion already. In truth, my desires lie
closer to those of your Lieutenant Worf; I wish to serve as a bridge
between two different cultures. WORF (to Data) Hah. So there. DATA But,
but, that can't be. I'm much more important than Worf! PICARD (annoyed)
Mr. Data, perhaps you should go (more) CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED:
PICARD (cont.) help Mr. La Forge on the Enterprise. Data stalks out of the
room, sulking. PICARD (cont.) (under his breath) Strange, I could have
sworn he doesn't implant that emotion chip until later in this time line.
INT. MEDLAB 1 Troi is lying on a bed. Franklin, WINTERS, and Riker are
present. WINTERS Given her condition, this will have to be a deep scan.
RIKER Is there any danger? WINTERS There is no physical danger from the
procedure, but it may cause her some discomfort. I'll be touching memories
buried deep within her. Winters removes her gloves, grasps Troi's hand,
and stares intently into her face. After the obligatory period of ODD
SPECIAL EFFECTS, Troi wakes up. TROI Oh, it was horrible! WINTERS Don't
worry, it's all over now. Troi hugs Winters, sniffling quietly on her
shoulder. Winters puts her arms around Troi, hugging her in return. This
goes on for a few moments. TROI Thank you, Talia. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: WINTERS It's
all right, Deanna. Look, why don't we go to my quarters for a drink. Troi
and Winters leave Medlab, hand in hand. RIKER I'm not sure I like the way
they were looking at each other. There was something, well, (beat)
-unnatural- about it. Franklin has a sly smile on his face as he sizes up
Riker with his eyes. FRANKLIN Unnatural in what way? Riker beats a hasty
retreat from Medlab. INT. AMBASSADOR KOSH'S QUARTERS KOSH, Picard, and
Worf are present. Picard and Worf are wearing those silly plastic B5 face
masks. PICARD So, Ambassador, can you help us? KOSH
Yes. WORF Then you will give us the energy we need? KOSH
No. PICARD But you just said... Sheridan walks in, wearing another of
those silly plastic face masks. SHERIDAN You sent for me, Ambassador?
(more) CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: SHERIDAN (cont.) Will this be another
lesson in how to fight Shadows? KOSH (indicates Picard and Worf)
Great power is achieved through small actions of kindness. SHERIDAN Oh, it
was no problem to come see you, I'm off duty right now anyway. KOSH
(somewhat annoyed)
Quenching the thirst of others can help slake your own desire. SHERIDAN
(finally noticing Picard and Worf) Oh, hello there! Are you two thirsty,
then? Come with me, I know just the place... The three start leaving the
room. KOSH (very annoyed)
The Enterprise could help you fight the Shadows, you twit! SHERIDAN (as he
goes through door) Yes, Ambassador, I'll try and make an enterprise out of
fighting Shadows. Anyway, as I was saying, we've got this great
restaurant. I'm scheduled to meet Ivanova there in a few minutes... CUT
TO: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INT.
CORRIDOR WE SEE Ambassador Kosh frustratedly banging his upper sensory
device against the wall of his quarters as the door closes. INT.
ENTERPRISE CORRIDOR Riker and Morden are present. Morden is handing Riker
a SMALL PLOT DEVICE as they walk. MORDEN As I was saying, activate this
device once you enter Hyperspace. We'll find you, Commander. We'll find
you. RIKER And then what will you do? MORDEN Why, lead you to your final
destination, of course. RIKER Well, I'd better get you back to the station
now. MORDEN Fine, now that my associates and I have managed to get on
board your ship, there's no need for me personally to remain. (more) Riker
and Morden pass out of the view of the camera. MORDEN (cont.) (V. O.)
Wait, where is the rest of the hallway? RIKER (V. O.) What do you mean?
That's all the stretch of corridor we've ever needed. Besides, this way we
save money for our special effects. END ACT TWO
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ACT THREE FADE
IN: INT. FRESH AIR RESTAURANT Sheridan and Ivanova are seated at a table
in the "Fresh Air" restaurant with Picard and Worf. A bottle of
Zima is situated prominently in the center of the table, but those seated
are studiously ignoring it, as if in hope that it will disappear. Worf is
guzzling down purple liquid from an extremely large tumbler. WORF
(finishing beverage) Ah, a Warrior's Drink! SHERIDAN (wearing his famous
grin) But, to continue our discussion: with all due respect, Captain,
orange juice tastes a lot better than tea, and it's better for you, too.
PICARD (wearing his own particular grin) But it's the caffeine in my Tea,
Earl Gray, Hot which gives me that extra kick I need to get going.
SHERIDAN With all due respect, it's the addiction to the caffeine which
makes you drink it. PICARD Yes, well, I can imagine what drinking down
mass quantities of pulp fiber must do to your own digestive system. Worf
begins looking somewhat queasy. CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: IVANOVA With all due respect, sirs,
aren't we getting a little off the subject? You were saying that you need
some help with your ship, and you're running out of time? DATA (V. O.)
(via Picard's comm badge) We have 1.26589 hours left, sir. PICARD (hitting
comm badge) Thank you, Data. Yes, we need an external source of power to
recrysta... ahem, to fix our engines. But more importantly, Commander
Ivanova, is that an alcoholic beverage you're drinking? IVANOVA (annoyed)
What about it? With all due respect, I'm off duty. Besides, I prefer to
think of it as potato juice. Worf is looking very distracted. PICARD
Perhaps we have something that might be useful to you, known as Synthale.
It's a substance that we replic... uh, that is, we make which tastes like
alcohol but without the side effects. IVANOVA You mean (beat) you actually
-drink- Near Beer?! That is, with all due respect, sir. Even Garibaldi
prefers water! Worf quietly mentions something to Sheridan. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: SHERIDAN
(spoken respectfully) With all due respect, there's one back there. He
gestures towards the back of the restaurant. The klingon lurches off in
that direction. PICARD Oh, is there a restroom back there? How convenient.
You know, we only have one on the Enterprise, and it's quite a long trek
to reach it from 10- forward. And once you arrive, the queue can take
forever... EXT. OUTSIDE THE ZERO-GEE SECTION OF B5 (CGI) A short while
later [Data: approximately 1.143452 hours later.] [Thank you, Data.]
outside of the zero- g section of Babylon 5, with the Enterprise floating
nearby, and a long, thin cable running between the two. WE ZOOM IN to the
point where the cable nearly meets the Enterprise. Three small figures are
floating along side the hull. WE CAN JUST BARELY SEE an electrical socket
on the hull of the ship. There is also a socket at the end of the
extension cor-- uhm, that is, cable. EXT. SECTION OF ENTERPRISE HULL (CGI)
DATA (wearing only his normal uniform) 0.93952 minutes until containment
breach occurs, sir. PICARD (wearing a bulky space suit) Thank you, Data.
So, where can we find a gender changer in under a minute? SHERIDAN
(wearing a bulky space suit) It's not our fault that we use a (more)
CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTINUED: SHERIDAN (cont.) different cabling standard than you do. DATA
Sir, I believe I may be able to use my body as a conductor, if I stick my
fingers into both sockets. PICARD Be careful, Data. BRIGHT, COLORFUL,
NOISY SPECIAL EFFECTS cover Data's upper body, eventually causing HIS HEAD
TO POP OFF and go shooting into space. SHERIDAN Is he going to be all
right? PICARD Oh, yes. We'll just have to go retrieve his head and tack it
back on. You'd be amazed how many times we've pulled stunts like this
before. SHERIDAN So anyway, in return for helping you in your hour of
need, you're saying you'll promise complete non-interference, leaving us
to whatever fate the Great Maker has in store for us? PICARD (with a sly
grin) That's the beauty of the Prime Directive. SHERIDAN I guess that's
fair. The SOUND of a Vorlon in agony is HEARD FAINTLY in the distance. END
ACT THREE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ACT
FOUR FADE IN: INT. READY ROOM, ENTERPRISE Picard, Riker, LA FORGE, Data,
Crusher, Troi, and Worf are present. The ship has been repaired, and is
preparing to leave. PICARD Can we trust this "Morden?" RIKER I'm
not sure we have a choice. LA FORGE It could take years for us to find the
right exit from "Hyperspace," if it's even possible. Our sensor
logs indicate it's a polydimensional Baruchian sub-space interface with a
non-Euclidean structure... PICARD (cutting him off) So what you're saying
is that there's no way to navigate through it? LA FORGE It might be
possible, Captain; by phase-inverting the lateral sensor array in
coordination with a modulated stream of anomalon particles emitted by the
main deflector dish, we could polarize the sub-space interface boundary in
order to quantum stabilize it. DATA Interesting theory, Geordi; after
doing this, one could sequentially rank the stabilized interface nodes
through the use of Tinellian identification. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: LA
FORGE Right, Data! And then, all we need to do is apply an inverted warp
field along the polarized boundary to reverse the intrinsic spin of the
local anti-neutrinos... As La Forge continues, Picard leans over to speak
quietly to Riker, whose eyes seem to have glazed over. PICARD Well, Number
One, it looks like we won't be needing Mr. Morden. RIKER (snapping out of
it) I suppose not; although I don't know whether yet another deus ex
machina solution will draw in as many viewers as Mr. Morden could have.
PICARD (to all) Dismissed. Everyone else runs out of the room, as La Forge
and Data continue to level mesmerizing blasts of TECHNOBABBLE at each
other. INT. MAIN BRIDGE Picard, Riker, Data, Worf, and La Forge are
present. Picard, Riker, and Worf have glazed looks in their eyes. DATA but
we will have to run a level 3 diagnostic on the starboard power coupling
before routing the EPS conduit through it. LA FORGE I'll have to take the
lateral sensor array off line then; but we could compensate using the
manual overrides... CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: PICARD (groggily) Would you two mind
(yawns groggily) taking this (bigger yawn) discussion down to engineering?
Picard slumps forward in his chair, asleep. INT. ENGINEERING La Forge and
Data continue their "technical discussion." LA FORGE so, if I
reroute manual sensor control through this panel, I can induce a feedback
loop into the tyrolian matrix. DATA You will need to interrupt the matrix'
ODN pathways... In the background, AN ENGINEERING ENSIGN slumps forward on
his console, activating a button. An ALARM GOES OFF, and sprinklers begin
showering water throughout engineering. PICARD (V. O.) (via intercom)
Would you two mind taking this discussion off the ship? INT. MAIN BRIDGE
Picard, Riker, and Worf are present. RIKER We'll never make it back to our
own universe this way. Those two will talk us right into oblivion. PICARD
Perhaps we should call in the help of your Mr. Morden after all.
CONTINUED: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTINUED: RIKER Right! Now, where did I put that little device... PICARD
Don't tell me you've lost it already. RIKER Well, if anyone had thought to
include some pockets in these uniforms, I wouldn't have this problem. WORF
We are being hailed, sir. PICARD On screen. SHERIDAN (on screen) Captain,
you'll have to take those two crewmen of yours back on board your ship.
I'm getting reports from the Zocalo that people are actually collapsing
just from listening to them talk. PICARD (worried) But if you could only
give them a few more minutes, they might finally finish their
discussion... SHERIDAN (aggravated, on screen) Well, that's too bad,
you're getting them back anyway. And if you don't want to listen to them,
you know what you can do! Picard and Riker look at each other. INT. MAIN
BRIDGE Picard, Riker, Data, and Worf are present. ON THE VIEWSCREEN is a
region of swirling red and black clouds. CONTINUED:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTINUED: Data
is continuing his discussion with La Forge over his comm badge. Curiously,
all of the bridge staff other than Data have their fingers stuck in their
ears and are humming -REALLY- loud. LA FORGE (over comm badge) Now, Data!
Data moves his hands over his console. EXT. ENTERPRISE (CGI) The
Enterprise is sitting in a region of swirling red and black clouds. LOTS
OF SPECIAL EFFECTS occur around the ship. Finally, A JAGGED HOLE APPEARS
IN SPACE, and the Enterprise moves through it, ending up in a conventional
star-filled region of space. INT. MAIN BRIDGE DATA (checking console)
Captain, we have returned to the point in space where we first encountered
the anomaly. (beat) Captain? Captain Picard sits in his chair, blissfully
humming away. END ACT FOUR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE
BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TAG FADE IN: INT. ENGINEERING La Forge is
finally beginning to relax. In one corner of the room, he notices a BLACK,
VAGUELY SPIDER-SHAPED BEING manipulating a small plot device with it's
forelegs. LA FORGE Hey, you! What are you doing? (more) The being looks at
La Forge and freezes for a moment. Everyone else in the room looks at La
Forge in confusion. The being suddenly sprints for the exit with a
surprising burst of speed. LA FORGE (cont.) Stop! (hits comm badge)
Intruder Alert! Other crewpeople are looking all over the room, seeing
nothing. INT -- MAIN BRIDGE -- DAY WORF I can detect no foreign life forms
aboard, sir. DATA Captain, there is a ship appearing directly ahead of us.
PICARD Full stop! EXT. ENTERPRISE (CGI) A LARGE, BLACK SPIKY SHIP with
coruscating, doggy-nose patterns moving across its surface, gradually
WAVERS into being before the Enterprise. CUT TO:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PAGE BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INT. MAIN BRIDGE
PICARD Hail them! WORF They are ignoring our hails. DATA Transporter room
3 in use sir. PICARD Override transporter controls! DATA Too late, sir.
EXT. ENTERPRISE The black ship passes close to the Enterprise before it
fades out of existence. INT. MAIN BRIDGE PICARD Can we maintain a lock on
it? DATA No, sir; sensors no longer detect any sign of the ship. WORF
Captain, I'm reading several unauthorized attempts over the last thirty
minutes to access restricted data within the central computer core. If the
intruder did manage to access that information... PICARD Then he may know
everything there is to know about Starfleet by now. And we've shown him
and his race exactly how to move from their dimension to our own...
Suitably creepy Chris Franke MUSIC SWELLS AS WE FADE OUT:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END SCRIPT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Back
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