Lawyer Q & A


Q:  What's the difference between a tic and a lawyer?
A:  After you're dead, a tic will drop off.

Q:  You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
    You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do?
A:  Shoot the lawyer.  Twice.

Q:  How does a pregnant woman know when she's carrying a future lawyer?
A:  She has a craving for bologna.

Q:  How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A:  Cut the rope.

Q:  How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A:  His lips are moving.

Q:  Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters to lawyers?
A:  It's called Sosumi.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A:  Take your foot off his head.

Q:  What's the stuff you squeeze out of zits?
A:  Baby lawyers.
                                             
Q:  Why don't lawyers ever get eaten by sharks?
A:  Professional courtesy.

Q:  Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
A:  From chasing parked ambulances.

Q:  Why is a dumb lawyer like an alcoholic?
A:  Because he can't pass the bar.

Q:  Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey has the
     most toxic-waste dumps?
A:  Because New Jersey had first choice...

Q:  Where can you find a good lawyer?
A:  In the cemetery.

Q:  What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A:  Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.

Q:  What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A:  God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q:  What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
A:  You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Q:  What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A:  A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q:  What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake roadkill?
A:  There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q:  What's the difference between a lawyer and a mugger?
A:  A mugger uses a gun.

Q:  What's the best way to save a marriage?
A:  Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!

Q:  What is the first thing you should do after running over a lawyer?
A:  Back up.

Q:  What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A:  A doberman pincher.

Q:  What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
A:  His partners.

Q:  What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A:  An offer you can't understand

Q:  What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A:  All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Q:  What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A:  A good start!

Q:  What did the lawyer say when he stepped into a pile of cow manure?
A:  "Oh my God, I'm melting!"

Q:  What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A:  Stick his bill up his rear end.

Q:  If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men
      called?
A:  A law firm.