www.
TheaterFunScripts.com - All Scripts - All Types, All Ages -- All Great!including:
-Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice ~ The sssPOOF!
-The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
-The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat, including a Jr. version
-Slipperzzzz! The Torrid Tale of Cobb and the 12 Dancing Princesses
-Alice in Wonderland
-Who Framed Lucky the Leprechaun?
-Don't Look in the Lake!
and Dozens More plus all of the above and Links!
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The JOKES:
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am."An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Here wipe off this table with one finger stuck in your ear.
The man does this.
The woman says, "You're 74."
The man says, "How can you tell?"
The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
A man calls a lawyer's office.
The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz."
The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"I'm sorry, he's on vacation."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's on a big case, not available for a week."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's playing golf today."
"Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"Speaking."
Have you seen the new Jigsaw Puzzle for Dummies? One piece.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
This would be a good tv advice columnist reading letters skit:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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TATER PEOPLE
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
--They are called "Speck Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
--They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
--They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
--They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
--They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
--They are called "Emma Taters".
Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
--They are called "Sweet Taters".
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Email to the Wrong Wife
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
"Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS - Things are not as we thought.
You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here"
Warm Regards
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Kids Bible Answers
1. In the first book of the bible, Guiness, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
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2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.
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3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
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4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
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5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
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6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
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7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
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8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
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9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
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10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
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11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
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12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
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13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
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14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
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15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
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16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
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17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
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18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
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19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
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20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
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21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
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22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
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23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
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24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
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25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
"WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD... ?"
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side. " Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white-washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
"What chicken?"
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2002, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken"? Could you define "chicken"... please?
GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
"I missed one?"
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Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
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My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shop- lifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
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Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. They each found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I was a bit puzzled at first, but then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," said Pete, "but I wrote down Horticulturist."
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The contributor says, “This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.”
A guy was on road side hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. No car went by, and the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, only then realizing there wasn't anyone behind the wheel. The car started slowly, and the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before he reached the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time a curve was coming up.
The guy gathered his strength, got out of the car, and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a cantina, asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other, "Look Pepe, that's the Gringo who got in the car when we were pushing it."
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Church bulletin bloopers...
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congre gation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Don't let worry kill you, the church can help.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
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A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 10 P.M.," he said.
My ten-year-old son looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" he said.
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(This CHICKEN bit could be made into a skit by photocopying pictures of all these famous people, enlarging them on the photocopier to make paper masks for the actors. To avoid costumes you could make a cardboard box tv mounted on a box table so the actors could just stick their faces in. A Narrator would ask the question and introduce each character.)
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question. (This quote could be added on to. He always speaks in short simple sentences as if talking to 2nd graders)
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by thewheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it had a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."
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I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
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"I once worked with a guy named George who, for Christmas, gave his wife, for her big gift - and I am not making this gift up - a chain saw. (As he later explained: 'Hey, we NEEDED a chain saw.') Fortunately, the saw was not oper- ational when his wife unwrapped it." --Dave Barry
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A student called up his mom from college and asked her for some money.
Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Yeah, sure," he responded.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!" yelled Dad.
"Don't worry," Mom said, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
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A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
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"If Charles Dickens were alive today, what do you suppose would be his favorite cocktail? I think probably a vodka martini.
"Why, you might ask? Well -- Olive or Twist?"
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Just received this notice about this upcoming Christmas:
There will be no nativity scene in Washington, D.C.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.
There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
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S t . M o m ' s W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
______________________________
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
______________________________
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
______________________________
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
______________________________
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
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A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
______________________________
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
______________________________
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
______________________________
Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
______________________________
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
______________________________
A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
______________________________
S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
______________________________
R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "
And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
“Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat
market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge.
She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking "
Signs: The awesome power of the mistaken written word.....
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.
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62 Ways to Irritate Cops:
1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to ...
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) Tell him how ugly he is, but in a nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood..
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15) When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, 'cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say, "Oops! That's the wrong name."
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him, "Sorry, I just ate the last one."
19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing, "La La La, I can't hear you!"
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say, "I thought the name sounded familiar."
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say, "What are you talkin' about, DUDE?"
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say, "Hmm ... only five of you here tonight.
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say, "I have a badge just like yours!"
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if he ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
42) When he frisks you, say, "You missed a spot," and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
44) Try to sell him your car. They’re might be a bonus value hidden in the fenders.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50) Oops ... I meant OVER for dinner.
51) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
52) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
53) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
54) Turn your head and whistle.
55) When he pulls out his night stick, say, "What you gonna do with that?"
56) If you are female, say, "I don't do that on the first date."
57) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
58) Ask if you can see his gun.
59) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him "I just wanted to see if mine was bigger."
60) Stare at his lights and say, "Look at the pretty colors!"
61) Tell him you like men in uniform.
62) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
Actual personal ads which appeared in Israeli newspapers:
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write POB 74
Yshiva bohur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 345
Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krchtzing. Under 30 is OK. POB 64
Attractive Jewish woman, 35+ college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 45
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons, No baggage. No personality. POB 78
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43
80-year-old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male under 35. object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life. You need to get some exercise. Run 10 miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy!"
The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says. "Okay, let's get started."
A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
You have the Midas touch.
Everything you touch turns into a muffler.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mudpack fell off.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
I was just in London -- there is a six-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sleepy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen, saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!"
"I *am* 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked, "When's payday?"
He said, "I don't know, you're the one who's working!"
Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week."
I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?"
The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Larry."
---------------------------
Sex Quotes
"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
-- Tom Clancy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
-- Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
-- Drew Carey
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
-- Woody Allen
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
-- Unknown
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
-- Bill Kelly
"As the French say, there are three sexes -- men, women and clergymen."
-- Rev. Sydney Smith
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-- Woody Allen
"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
-- Sam Austin
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
-- George Burns
"I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous and sex was safe."
-- Unknown
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
-- Matt Barry
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
-- Unknown
"My kid had sex with your honor student."
-- Bumper Sticker
"My sexual preference is not you."
-- T-shirt
"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
-- Michael Sinz
"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
-- Woody Allen
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
-- George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
-- Unknown
------------------------
REVENGE OF THE BLONDES
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
---A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
---No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
---So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
---Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
---"Has the blonde left yet? "
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
---When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
---The invitation
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
---A hostage
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
---Fisher-Price
(some could be made into short skits)
author unknown
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your stomach unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.