Blood Donor

by Monty Python

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(NURSE at desk finishing paperwork for FIRST DONOR. GRIMSHAW waits in nearby chair.)

NURSE: (John Cleese) (to FIRST DONOR) All done. Please take your paperwork into the donation room.
FIRST DONOR: Thank you. (EXITS.)
NURSE: You’re welcome. Next blood donor, please.
(GRIMSHAW approaches NURSE.)
GRIMSHAW: I’m next.
NURSE: Good day.
GRIMSHAW: (Eric Idle) (whispering)
NURSE: What?
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
NURSE: No, no. I'm sorry, but 'no'.
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
NURSE: No, you may not give urine instead of blood.
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
NURSE: No. Well, I don't care if you want to.
GRIMSHAW: (whispering)
NURSE: No. There is no such thing as a urine bank.
NURSE: No. We have no call for it. We've quite enough of it without volunteers coming in here donating it.
GRIMSHAW: Just a specimen?
NURSE: No. We don't want a specimen. We either want your blood or nothing.
GRIMSHAW: I'll give you some blood if you'll give me...
NURSE: What?
GRIMSHAW: ...a thing to do some urine in.
NURSE: No, no. Just go away, please.
GRIMSHAW: Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood.
NURSE: Fine. Well, you don't have to, you see. Just go away.
GRIMSHAW: Can I give you some spit?
GRIMSHAW: Ear wax?
NURSE: No. Look, this is a blood bank. All we want is blood.
GRIMSHAW: All right. I'll give you some blood.
(pulls out transparent container of tomato juice)
NURSE: (taking it) Where did you get that?
GRIMSHAW: Today. It's today's.
NURSE: What group is it?
GRIMSHAW: What groups are there?
NURSE: There's 'A', B...
NURSE: (sniff) Wait a moment. It's mine. This blood is mine! What are you doing with it?
GRIMSHAW: I found it.
NURSE: You found it?! You stole it out of my body, didn't you?
NURSE: No wonder I'm feeling off-colour.
(drinks from bottle. GRIMSHAW tries to grab it) Give that back!
(They struggle over it.)
GRIMSHAW: It's mine.
NURSE: It's not yours. You stole it.
NURSE: Give it back to me.
GRIMSHAW: All right, but only if I can give urine.
NURSE: (handing GRIMSHAW an empty container.)
Get in the line...
(GRIMSHAW finally releases the container of blood, takes new container and EXITS with smug smile.)
--Alterations = Name “Samson” changed to “NURSE”. First 3 lines reworded, “Queu” to “line”.--