Interview

 By Seven

 Feedback: Hecky yes!
 Summary: Coruscant's lead talk show interviews none other than Qui-Gon Jinn.
 Rating: PG
 Time Period: About ten years before TPM, Obi-Wan is fourteen.
 Spoilers: None.
 Disclaimer: Lucas owns all characters, I don't make any money off them, I am simply having
 loads of fun with them.
 

 [A studio stage, with a couple of chairs on a platform. A four-armed alien woman with an
 ear-to-ear grin, Masee Dinn, is sitting in one of them]

 DINN: Welcome to "Galactic Interview," the show that brings you the truth. Today, we have a
 special and highly-anticipated guest. Ever since a disastrous interview with a one Master
 Yoda-

 YODA (offscreen): Not my fault, that was!

 [Several voices shush him. Dinn is somewhat disturbed, but quickly starts speaking again]

 DINN: Er, anyhow, ever since a disastrous interview with Master Yoda, there have been no
 interviews with Jedi for an entire century. However... today we will be talking with the
 revered Jedi Master, Qui-Gon Jinn!

 [The audience applauds as Qui-Gon walks out and sits down, looking very ill-at-ease.]

 QUI-GON: Hello, Ms. Dinn.

 DINN: Oh, please, call me Masee!

 QUI-GON (wriggling): Very well.

 DINN: Now, Master Jinn-

 OBI-WAN (offscreen): Please, call him Qui-Gon!

 [Titters from the audience. Dinn looks very nervous; Qui-Gon is making throat-cutting gestures
 at the offscreen Obi-Wan]

 DINN: Well, erm... Master Qui-Gon. What can you tell us about being a Jedi? Now be honest!

 QUI-GON: Well, what do you want to know?

 DINN: Well, this practice of taking apprentices. It sounds fascinating.

 QUI-GON: Oh, it is. However, padawan apprentices need to be chosen very carefully.
Otherwise, they could be unworthy, turn to the dark side, or possibly even go into politics.

 DINN: Lovely! And what can you tell us about yours?

 QUI-GON: Well, he's a bit of a handful. For instance, he's fourteen years old , bounces on
 furniture in his underwear, and still cries when he watches "Forever Stars."

 [We hear a strangled sound from offstage, and the sound of a stick hitting someone]

 DINN: Really? What's his name?

 QUI-GON: It's-

 OBI-WAN: MASTEEEERRRR...

 QUI-GON: Oh, all right.

 DINN: And please, what can you tell us about the impressive Jedi Temple?

 QUI-GON: Well, it's very big. So big that I sometimes get a bit lost on my way to be harpooned
 by the Council. We had a visitor once. He went looking for the bathroom and never came
 back--we found him six months later, living in the janitor's closet.

 [Audience laughs]

 QUI-GON: Anyhow, the plumbing is simply terrible, and we're currently dealing with an
 infestation of-

 DINN (flustered): Ah, yes, I understand. Ahem... well, Master Qui-Gon. What can you tell us
 about being a Jedi?

 QUI-GON: Well, um, what specifically?

 DINN: Well, it's been said that the Jedi are practically monks, with no ties to anyone...

 QUI-GON: Ah, an exploded myth. No, we Jedi do meet a good number of people. The women
 in particular seem to like us.

 DINN: I thought Jedi didn't marry.

 QUI-GON: We do sometimes, but others choose to devote themselves to study of the Force.
 Oh, and if Chanka is watching this, PLEASE STOP CALLING ME.

 DINN: And how do you summarize "The Force"?

 QUI-GON: It's an energy field that surrounds us, and penetrates us, and binds the galaxy
 together. It helps the Jedi in everything from fighting to healing.

 OBI-WAN (offscreen): Not bad when playing jokes, either!

 [More laughter from the audience. Qui-Gon sighs and covers his eyes]

  DINN (desperately trying to keep the show afloat): Er... very interesting. Is it also an
 overblown myth that Jedi can read minds?

 QUI-GON: Oh no, not at all.

 DINN (jovial): Well, perhaps someone from the audience would be willing to step up and
 demonstrate?

QUI-GON: No, no--you'll do.

 DINN: What? No, I-

 [Qui-Gon frowns in concentration]

 QUI-GON: I sense that you are very eager to end this interview, as your boyfriend the
 holo-cameraman is currently waiting for you in the secluded back room, and your husband is
 currently in the audience.

 [Dinn goes pale and stares around at the audience, who is giggling audibly. Then she
 manages to smile]

 DINN: How very amusing, Master Jinn. Well, that's all the time we have-

 QUI-GON: Really? It's only been ten minutes.

 DINN: All the time we have. Good night, Coruscant!

 [She races off the set and vanishes backstage. Qui-Gon offers the audience a wry smile]

 QUI-GON: Good night, Coruscant.

 YODA (offscreen): Qui-Gon, come here you will...

 [Qui-Gon gets up and walks offstage. We hear a thud and a loud "ouch!" Then Obi-Wan races
 onto the set, grinning from ear-to-ear]

 OBI-WAN: I love live broadcasts! Good night, Coruscant!

 [He races back off. Credits roll...]

                      The End
 
 

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