The final scene! (First of all, we see Voyager. B’elanna has managed to get rid of the bug in the system, as has O’Brien on DS9. So, here they are, in yet another of those completely pointless chit-chat scenes. It’s Talent Night [again, at the persuasion of Neelix, naturally], and everyone is watching the Doctor and Seven of Nine’s performance . Just imagine that “Can you bake a pie... neither can I!” line of the song, sung in complete dead pan by Seven... You’ll laugh, I guarantee it! [Not to mention the fact that it links oh-so-nicely with the custard pie incident...] Anyway, they’ve reached the end of the song.)
DOCTOR/SEVEN: No you can’t!/Yes I can! (There is a standing ovation. The two of them take a bow. The Doctor, caught in his moment of fame, goes the whole hog and grabs her hand in a very theatrical way, then they bow again. Finally she mananges to get him offstage by grabbing him by the ear and pulling hard [not that he can actually feel pain, but the effect is there], and Neelix takes their place.)
NEELIX: Well, that was the last act. Thank you everyone who took part this time, all of the acts were of a very high standard, as I’m sure you’ll agree. Now I’d like you all to vote for the winner, but first a reminder of the acts. (We pan across the various crew persons.) First of all there was Naomi Wildman’s portrayal of “The Dying Swan”, as taught to her by Captain Janeway. (Naomi is dressed accordingly, standing with her mother and grinning.) Then there was the Borg Brass Band, tutored by Harry Kim. (The four Borg kids stand in a military style line with their instruments, with Harry standing by nervously, mouthing the words "Please, God, let them win...") Thirdly, we had Tuvok and Vorik reading a piece of Vulcan poetry. Thank you for... that. (The two Vulcans raise an eyebrow simultaneously, sensing the sarcasm.) Our two commanding officers, of course, gave us their act, as I’m sure you’ll remember. (Looks like it’ll remain a mystery. They exchange a glance.) Then there was me and my wonderful cooking demonstration. (Someone in the back row sniggers so he carries on.) And finally we had Seven and the Doctor performing “Anything You Can Do” from... what was it, Mr Paris?
PARIS: “Annie Get Your Gun”.
NEELIX: (None the wiser.) Naturally... So, everyone, my thanks again for your participation and attendance. You will find PADDs underneath your seats and I would like you to use them to cast your votes. While you’re doing that drinks will be coming round, and when you’ve decided, please place your PADD in the box at the front here. (He taps a box.) Off you go. (People begin to vote while Neelix sends a tray of drinks round the room, trying not to look for the people who’ve voted for him. Eventually all of the PADDs are in the box and he goes to it.) I need an impartial crewman to work this out. I still don’t trust the computer. (Scattered laughter. Someone gets up and starts to sort through the PADDS - maybe that Bajoran one from “Good Shepherd” - and put them into neat piles. One pile stands high above the others.) Okay people, here’s the result, in reverse order. In last place, with 2 votes... me. In fifth place, with 10 votes, Mr Tuvok and Mr Vorik. Fourth place is the Borg Brass Band with 25 votes. (They look dismayed.) Don’t worry - fourth is good for a first attempt. (They complain that first attempts are irrelevant and they “are Borg”. Harry edges away from them before they can lay the blame on him.) Moving on... in joint second place is Naomi Wildman’s dance, and Janeway and Chakotay, both with 30 votes, but the clear winner, with a massive 50 votes is the Doctor and Seven of Nine’s performance! Congratulations! (The Doctor is dumbstruck.)
DOCTOR: We won? We won!! Seven! We won!
SEVEN: I know.
DOCTOR: Aren’t you more exicted? We won!
SEVEN: (Dead pan, intentionally.) Hooray, we won?
DOCTOR: What did we won? I mean, win? (Just a little link to Phantom...)
NEELIX: The honour of knowing that you’re incredibly talented. Oh, and this trophy. (It’s a pathetically small affair, but the Doctor is happy with it.)
DOCTOR: I’ve never won anything before...
SEVEN: You’ve never entered anything before... (This is getting decidedly couplish - damn my subconscious!)
NEELIX: And as for our runners up... Naomi wins a new holonovel to complete her collection, and our Captains win a free meal in the Mess Hall. (Chakotay pales at the thought. Neelix hands Naomi her new holoprogramme. She smiles at him.)
NAOMI: I voted for you, Neelix.
TUVOK: As did I. Your demonstration was most... enlightening. I will never again be intrigued as to how you prepare your more complicated dishes.
NEELIX: Does that mean that you’ll be eating more of them, Mr Vulcan?
TUVOK: It is possible, yes. (Neelix smiles. We pan across to Janeway and Chakotay, talking to the Borg children, with Seven.)
JANEWAY: I thought your performance was excellent. (I can’t actually remember the names of all the kids, so...)
ELENI (?): Then why didn’t we win?
SEVEN: It was only your first attempt.
ECHEB: It was only YOUR first performance, and you came in first place.
CHAKOTAY: Look at it this way. Since we came joint second, that actually means that you’re third.
TWINS: It does?
JANEWAY: Certainly. (She calls Neelix over.) Neelix! (He wanders over to them.)
NEELIX: How can I help you?
JANEWAY: Is there a prize for third place?
NEELIX: (Seeing the look on the children’s faces, he decides against telling her that the meal was the third place prize.) Of course! Uh... they win... (he looks at Seven) a whole day where they can do what they like! (They are excited by this... at least, as excited as Borg get. Seven isn’t impressed.)
SEVEN: Really?
CHAKOTAY: (Aside to her:) Come on, Seven, have a heart. (She looks at the children, who look back at her in a very appealing way.)
SEVEN: Very well. You may all have a day to yourselves. (They smile.)
NEELIX: (To Janeway:) Well, it looks as though tonight was a success. Will you both be performing next year? (He grins at them. Janeway looks at Chakotay - it took a lot of persuasion to make him perform this time! - and he gives her a “No-way” look.)
JANEWAY: Of course. (Hehehe, she can be so evil on occasion.)
NEELIX: Excellent. If you’ll excuse me, I almost forgot something... (he wanders back to the middle of the room and taps a glass.) Everybody! There is one more thing, if you’d all care to sit down. The celebrations aren’t over yet. (Everyone returns to their seats.) Tonight’s Talent Night might not have been here if the computer hadn’t been fixed. We’d still be trying to kill each other with the frustration, and I for one am grateful that the replicators are back online. I’m sure the Doctor is pleased that his mobile emitter is functioning again. (The Doctor nods and holds up his trophy triumphantly.) None of this would have been possible had one person not worked very hard, day in and day out trying to fix the problem. That person could not be here today because she is sleeping, taking some well-deserved rest. That person is - (A voice is heard from the doorway.)
TORRES: Here.
NEELIX: (After a pause.) B’elanna Torres, our Chief Engineer. Please join me in showing your gratitude to her for all that she has done these past few days. (Everyone applauds as she makes her way to a seat. Since there isn’t one, Tom gets up and lets her sit in his seat.) I think she should say a speech. (She shakes her head, but everyone starts a chorus of “Speech, speech, speech!”, so she gets up again and stands in front of everyone.)
TORRES: Thank you Neelix. There was no need for all of this. I’m sorry I missed the Talent Night, I’ve sneaked a peek at some of the acts rehearsing and it looked very impressive. I would say, “It was nothing”, but you probably won’t believe me. So... “It was hell”. (They laugh.) I couldn’t have done it without help, though, from my entire Engineering staff and of course, Ensign Vorik, who I’ve been very unfair to. (Vorik shrugs it off with a nod of his head.) I guess that’s all I have to say. (She slowly makes her way back to the chair, and Neelix moves to where she was standing.)
NEELIX: Lieutenant B’elanna Torres, everyone. (Another round of applause. Cut to:
SISKO: Everyone? Your attention please. (The group stop nattering and listen.) In case some of you didn’t know why we’re having this party, I’d like to take the opportunity to explain. It is because of the hard work and dedication of one man here today that allows us all to be here in Vic’s Lounge. As you know the computer has been… how do I put this… playing up, and Vic himself has been transformed into several different holodeck characters over the past few weeks. So it is with great pleasure I hold a toast to the person who made this possible today - our Chief Engineer - Mr Miles Edward O’Brien.
ALL: (Raising their glasses.) Miles O’Brien. (They clink and sip their wine, then look at O’Brien expectantly. He looks sheepish, until Bashir gives him a shove and he gets up.)
O’BRIEN: Uh… thank you, Captain. It was hard work getting the computer back to normal. I’ve gone through hell trying to fix it, no thanks to our Bajoran Liason Officer. (Kira tries to look innocent as everyone giggles.) I think that’s all I can say. (There is a brief round of applause.)
VIC: Well said, pally. I also have an announcement to make. It has been brought to my attention that several of you people at that table have some hidden talents. (They murmur.) I intend to bring them out into the open. According to the Captain there was an old 20th century Earth custom known as karaoke. So my band is going to play some of the songs you know and love, and you’re all going to sing along with me. (And so begins the mad singalong. The band starts to play and Vic starts to sing, pointing at each person in turn to join in. They get egged on by their fellow crew members. Eventually it’s just the crew singing without the help of Vic… and wouldn’t that be hysterical!!! I suppose you want me to come up with the songs too… okay then…
1) Bashir and Garak singing “Goldfinger“ because of his old holodeck programme [I had that image of Niles and Frasier around the piano!]
2) Bashir and O‘Brien with a not-quite-so-drunken rendition of “Jerusalem“
3) Kira… NOT “Fever“ again because it was TOO freaky. Something with Odo maybe…
4) Sisko singing “I Got Rhythm“
5) Bashir [I like his voice, okay!?] and Ezri singing something too, maybe “Heart and Soul“ [definitely OD’ed on “Frasier“ lately…]
6) And then maybe a bizarre version of “Bohemian Rhapsody“?
Okay, that‘s it. Come up with the rest yourself. I don‘t have to do everything here, you know!)
OK, I think we can officially start to worry about my brain now... It's certainly an interesting ending, I'll give it that much...