For seven long years I waited for the events of this evening. True, it didn't go exactly as I'd planned. But for one brief moment I really thought it had - the moment you kissed me, Daphne, will be with me forever, no matter how bad the outcome. I could say the same of the Snow Ball, but even though I can kid myself and maintain that you weren't acting, I know you really were. But tonight I know you definitely were not acting. And for three of the longest seconds, I was truly happy - you said that you loved me. What more could I ask for in that moment? (At this point we see the letter and these few lines. Here something is scribbled out, completely illegibly.)

I'm not going to pretend any more that I'm over you because clearly I'm not. You know that, and Frasier and Dad know that. I know that. I will never be over you and all I can hope is that you'll be happy, as happy as I could have made you had you only let me prove it. This is not a guilt-trip. We psychiatrists don't do that. You have made your decision clear to me and even though it's tearing me to shreds, I have to keep telling myself that it IS your decision and that I had no part in it. That way I'll feel less guilty. I don't blame you for anything, Daphne, I blame myself completely, mainly for not telling you when I had the chance.

Do you realise that the only reason I didn't hurl myself off the balcony tonight was because you said you loved me? And I was so afraid that if I were to kill myself, you'd do the same, and not only would we both be dead, but Frasier, Dad, Donny and all of your family would never know exactly why. So, I didn't. I stayed alive so that I could save you. I will not be attending the wedding because that in itself would be suicidal. I wouldn't survive the first five minutes. Now I'm rambling.

There are not enough words in the entire universe to describe my love for you. And even if there were, I'd still manage to run out of them. And so I leave you now to begin your new life with Donny, and I want you to forget about me. This is not to say that I will forget about you. I will probably think of you every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life, which knowing my luck, will be very, very long. You will still consume my thoughts when I am a hundred, and I will probably die remembering that single moment tonight when I finally knew for certain that you loved me.

It is now six o'clock the next day. I can already hear movement in the hotel so I have to be going. Promise me that you'll forget I ever existed and caused you so much confusion, pain and heartache, and forget that this ever happened.

Farewell, my beloved,

With adoration I leave you,

Doctor Niles Crane."
(And here the author takes a breather from her brief possession by the man himself. That was freaky. Talk about being on a roll... I, personally, am sobbing alongside our heroine. In fact, sod Daphne, I want Niles! But then, don't we all? At this moment, we cut briefly back to Donny and Niles in the other room, who have no idea what s going on in Donny s room. The timing's gone a bit off. Sorry.)
NILES: Where is she?
DONNY: She thinks she looks a mess. She's still tidying herself up.
NILES: I don't care about that.
DONNY: That's what I said! I'll go and send her out. Don't leave this room. Don't move from that spot! (He vanishes into the room and Niles collapses against the wall, sitting on the floor, having lost the support from Donny's hand. Aww. Don't you just wanna hug him?)

(In Donny s room, Daphne has finally stopped crying and has folded the letter up again and replaced it in her pocket as Donny enters. She finally knows that she s made the right decision. She gets up.)
DAPHNE: I'm scared.
DONNY: Why?
DAPHNE: (She doesn t mention the note.) Because this time it's for real. Before, it was spontaneous. I've got no idea what I'm going to say.
DONNY: There's no need to say anything. I've told him all he needs to know. You've just got to go in there, smile at him and let it happen.
DAPHNE: And Mel?
DONNY: They're getting a divorce. (This relieves her somewhat and some of the weight lifts from her shoulders. She hugs Donny one more time.)
DAPHNE: Thank you again.
DONNY: Would you quit talking to me and get out there! (He drags her to the door and propels her unceremoniously through it. He closes it after giving her a thumbs-up, then sits on the bed. He looks vaguely disappointed, but knows he's done the right thing. Outside, Daphne is confused because she can't see Niles, and is beginning to think that maybe he ran off, but then she falls over his prostrate body on the floor - he's fallen asleep again! Her action wakes him up again with a start, but his look of horror soon merges effortlessly into a smile. [And just imagining that smile makes ME smile!!] She takes him by the hands and pulls him up to his feet and as he stands and looks at her, for once unable to find the words, he remembers something. He runs over to the other side of the room to collect the two Orangina bottles he placed on the bedside table. She takes her bottle and laughs.)
NILES: Is it true? (Daphne nods.) So, is this it? Are we…?
DAPHNE: Yes. We are… (After a brief contemplative pause, in sheer relief they fall into each other's arms, and laugh and cry together with utter joy. Aww. HOW cute is that?)

(In Donny's room, he's on the phone.)
DONNY: Dr. Crane? Would you call your Dad and Roz and get over here right away? (A confused acknowledgement.) I think you already know…

(In his room Frasier grins and puts down the phone. Then he picks up the phone again and dials.) FRASIER: Hello Roz? Guess what?
ROZ: (Clearly knackered and hung over:) What time is it?
FRASIER: Eight o'clock in the morning.
ROZ: Is Daphne back? And Niles?
FRASIER: Better than that!
ROZ: No riddles, Frase. I've only just woken up. (Frasier tells the story in muffled voice over - there are various shots as the long story unfolds and Roz slowly wakes up in the process.) Wow. So why are you calling me?
FRASIER: Because Donny just called me and asked me to call you and Dad to tell you to get over there.
ROZ: Well shouldn't we be going, then?
FRASIER: What time is it now?
ROZ: Ten minutes since I asked!
FRASIER: I'll meet you there. (He slams down the phone and legs it to the door. Roz collapses in a tired heap and then drags herself out of bed. Frasier runs down the corridor, banging on her door - she complains from the inside and says she's coming - and also on Martin's door. He opens it and is grabbed by his son, who explains what's going on.. The three of them get to Donny's room simultaneously and he lets them in.)
DONNY: Where the hell have you been?
ROZ: Frasier got sidetracked in his explanation.
DONNY: I should say so. When I told you to get over here, I meant right away!
MARTIN: Why? What's so important? (Instead of answering, Donny begins to rummage in a drawer for something and produces two boxes - the wedding rings that were supposed to be for himself and Daphne. After looking briefly thoughtful, with a final "Hey-what-the-Hell" look, he opens the door and bursts in on Daphne and Niles, still hugging forever [and wouldn't that make an interesting episode...?]. Frasier, Roz and Martin follow Donny and position themselves unmovably on the chairs at the end of the two beds. Since there's only two chairs, and three of them, two of them end up sharing and inevitably it's Roz and Frasier [another of my little obsessions which I will try to avoid here!] While all of this is going on, Daphne and Niles look utterly bewildered.)
DAPHNE: What's going on?
DONNY: Sorry to intrude like this but I thought you could use these.
DAPHNE: What are you talking about?
DONNY: I think you know. (He hands them a box each. They open them simultaneously and then look at him.)
NILES: No. These are yours. Besides, I can't… (He never finishes the sentence, because Donny grabs Daphne's hand, takes her engagement ring and forces it into Niles's hand.)
DONNY: Go ahead, Doc, you know you want to.
NILES: But… with an audience?
DONNY: You had to watch when I did this - it's only fair that I should be here too.
NILES: At least give me a few minutes to think of something to say.
DONNY: You're not getting out of it that easily. (Niles turns to his brother for support.)
NILES: Frasier?
FRASIER: (Completely unhelpfully:) Good luck.
MARTIN: Yes, good luck, son. Again.
ROZ: What about Daphne, you guys? (To Daphne:) Make me proud.
NILES: Okay, here goes. (He pulls her around in a semi-circle [just had this image in my head, that's all!] and looks deep into her eyes, holding her hands with the ring safely in his pocket.) Time to improvise. Daphne… (This is as far as he gets because Mel suddenly crashes through with her luggage. She sees the collection of people, notices Daphne and Niles in their rather compromising position [the latter of whom glares at Mel in payback], instantly guesses what's going on, grunts in annoyance and storms out. Niles shrugs and tries again.) Okay. (A pause while he thinks.) Okay… uh, seven years ago, when I first met you, I was entranced and persuaded Frasier to hire you on the spot. (He glances at his brother, who waves a hand nonchalantly.) To be perfectly honest, it wasn't love at first sight, although when I thought about it afterwards I always liked to think of it that way, so that if I ever got to tell you, it would make the story so much better. I readily admit now that it was a purely physical attraction, but after knowing you only days I knew it was more than that. I wanted to tell you so many times, but Frasier was always deterring me, and so was Dad. At the time it annoyed me and I lost so many chances because of them, but I don't hold it against them. I know they were only doing what they thought was best for me. And if it hadn't been for them keeping me back, this moment wouldn't have been so special, seven years on. Seven years. Can you believe it? I can't believe I've waited this long, but I've certainly enjoyed that waiting, and every moment we've had together. Every discussion, every joke, every crazy adventure in the kitchen… every stolen kiss even if they were only for fun. All these things kept me sane and made it worthwhile. Some people might think that seven years is a long time, but I would wait seven lifetimes for you. I'm probably crazy. And if I'm crazy then it's because you've driven me to it, and you must be just as crazy as me to have seen this through. (He pauses for thought, or effect, it's not clear which.) I'm sure everyone will be in agreement when I say that these past few days have been the strangest of our lives. I hope you agree that the one we spent together was one of the best. (Another pause. He's doing this better than any of them expected. Yes, I know, it's really long-winded, but who cares?!) I never thought this moment would come and it nearly didn't. You missed your wedding because of me (he fishes Donny's ring out of his pocket) but there's a wedding dress out there you never got to wear properly, and a hundred people who you weren't so keen on seeing, who are all waiting for you to walk down the aisle to marry the man you love. That was supposed to be Donny. (The accused coughs lightly and points to Niles and then to his knee. Niles nods, looks at Daphne and gets on one knee.) I was hoping that you would do me the honour of letting me take his place, by your side and in your heart. And if you do, I will love you with all my soul for eternity and beyond, and you will always be happy. (Well. He's done it. [Are you sobbing yet? Even though IT ISN'T REAL!!!?] Although he already knows the answer, he looks expectant out of instinct. Roz is trying not to cry, but Frasier nonchalantly hands her his handkerchief anyway. He looks proudly at his brother and Daphne, and Martin didn't think he had it in him. Donny beams, not regretting a thing [yup, definitely made him too nice!] Daphne finally speaks… )
DAPHNE: There was seven years of waiting behind that and I know you didn't improvise. You've been planning the whole speech for all that time. I'm glad you got the chance to say it at last. (She leaves him hanging, looking at Donny, then Roz, then Frasier, then Martin, then back at Niles. If possible he looks even more expectant.) As if you needed to ask! Of course I'll marry you! (She laughs.) Now get up off the floor and give me a hug! (He does, and their small audience [and possibly the studio one as well!] offer a small round of applause and leap to their feet.)
MARTIN: Congratulations son! Very well said!
FRASIER: Well done. I'm proud of you, even if you are an idiot! (Daphne and Niles separate.)
ROZ: Come here, Daphne. (She hugs her.) I never thought I'd end up being a bridesmaid at HIS wedding!
NILES: I'll take that in the sentiment in which I'm sure it was intended!
DONNY: Group hug? (Several noises of acknowledgement later and they have a group hug and then break off to individual hugs and pecks on the cheek [but not the blokes obviously!] - Martin and Niles, Frasier and Donny, Martin and Frasier, Daphne and Frasier, Daphne and Donny, Martin and Donny, Daphne and Martin, Roz and Niles[!], Roz and Martin, Roz and Donny, Niles and Donny, the two brothers, and finally Roz and Frasier [I tried!] The only pair left, if you've bothered to work it out, is Daphne and Niles, who meet up again and finally kiss properly, and after everyone spots this they cheer and start off again. It might be coincidence that Frasier somehow manages to stop with his arm around Roz, but I highly doubt it! [I did try, I really truly did!] When they've all finally finished, and Niles has regained all of his faculties, he realises something… )
NILES: You know, this is really Donny's ring…
DAPHNE: And we should give it back to him. (Donny starts to protest.)
NILES: Take it. No hard feelings. (He concedes defeat and takes it. To Daphne:) And I promise to buy you another one when we get home! If you like I'll even say the whole speech again! Now come on, everyone get ready! We've got a wedding to hold! (With this, the whole cast of people disappear to their respective rooms, leaving Daphne and Niles last to go.) What about your mother?
DAPHNE: We'll explain everything… and back off quickly! (This is in tribute to Mrs Perry, who gave me the same advice about Mrs Evers when I had to skive an English lecture! Anyway, the plot… that'd be good… They both laugh. Then all of the technical problems hit them.)
NILES: Who's going to give you away now?
DAPHNE: I was thinking… Donny.
NILES: Damn - I was considering him for best man!
DAPHNE: That's actually a better idea. How about your brother then?
NILES: Sounds good to me. (They think.) DAPHNE: All of the invitations have got Donny's name on them. What do we do about that?
NILES: Well, we could keep them for curiosity's sake, to look back on in years to come and think - "Oh yes, THAT wedding.", but, otherwise… (He goes to rummage in a drawer and finds a pen, holding it up and grinning triumphantly! [Melt!] They laugh again.)
DAPHNE: Look at us. We've told them to hurry up and we're still standing around! I'll go and get our stuff out of the Winnebago. (At which point, Martin appears carrying her dress and Niles's tuxedo.)
MARTIN: No need. I was checking my baby was okay and I found these. Thought you might need them.
NILES: Thanks Dad.
MARTIN: No problem. That's all I came up here to do, and to wish you luck. Frasier's sorting everything out so don't you worry about a thing. I'll see you downstairs. (He's just about to leave but after a few meaningful gestures to Niles, Daphne calls him back.)
DAPHNE: Mr. Crane? Would you give me away? We were going to ask Frasier but he's done so much already.
MARTIN: Sure! I'm honoured! See you there! (He hobbles off to get changed, visibly beaming, and leaving the clothes hanging carefully on the door.)
NILES: Well, this is it. The big moment. How are you feeling?
DAPHNE: Scared… but indescribably happy.
NILES: You don't need to describe it, Daphne, it's exactly how I'm feeling.
DAPHNE: You're not scared?
NILES: I'm terrified! (A pause.) See, I m trembling. (He holds out a hand in demonstration, neglecting to inform her that there's an entirely different reason for it. [Use your imagination, this is NILES!] Of course, she knows that anyway.)
DAPHNE: Oh, by the way, while you were rabbiting with Donny earlier, I… read the note.
NILES: Note? (It dawns on him and he goes a deep shade of grape and backs away from her.) Oh. That note. I told you not to read that!
DAPHNE: No, you told me to read it when we were far away from each other. And a wall apart was much too far.
NILES: And…?
DAPHNE: (She moves back towards him and hugs him tight.) It's the most beautiful thing I've ever read. (Niles grins. [Dear God I'm going to die very soon!]) In fact I want to get it framed!
NILES: I… uh… I'd rather you…
DAPHNE: I'm joking… (He sighs with relief.)
NILES: Let's go. (She nods and moves towards the door. She doesn't get very far, though, because he suddenly pulls her back by the hand and kisses her in an act of un-Niles-esque spontanaiety.) Sorry. I was getting you back for the other night. (I.e. on the balcony.)
DAPHNE: We're going to be late! (She runs to the door and takes her dress, drapes it over one arm and then hands him the tuxedo. Then she disappears into her room to get ready. The door closes and Niles suddenly looks utterly bewildered, delirious and generally ecstatic. Then he snaps out of it, sees the boxes Donny gave him earlier [deposited next to the bottles of Orangina, appropriately, on a nearby table] and it finally dawns on him. He looks at his tuxedo and eventually enters his room [minus Mel] to get ready.)

(Run credits… The end title sequence is as follows: Niles suddenly wakes up alone in the Winnebago and realises the whole thing has been a long, wonderful dream, then just as he's despairing, head in hands, he wakes up again on a plane. He looks across, fearing the worst... and sees Daphne reading a book... on the way to their honeymoon! He says [silently] "I dreamt it wasn't real!", and then leans back in his seat in relief. Daphne places a hand over his and then carries on reading. Blackout… )